In which the Professor wins a "free" vacation to a tropical paradise, Zoidberg becomes Bender's slave, and Amy tries to satisfy her aching food lust, all with disastrous consequences
“I’ll kill you,” Zoidberg yelled, and then, clapping his claws together, broke the controller he was holding into thirds. “Awww…”
Bender just laughed and said, “You can’t even hold the controller, chumpy. Now, watch and learn, loser,” he said, executing a perfect combo, killing Zoidberg’s on-screen fighter. “Ha, ha, ha, ha! That’s sixteen games of Killer Fighter 34 I’ve won in a row, Zoidberg. You owe me three years of servitude. You want to go double or nothing again?”
“No, what,” Bender asked menacingly.
Sighing, Zoidberg said, “No, Master.”
“That’s better. You know, Zoidberg, you’re as good at this as you are at doctoring. Which means you stink. Time to start your service, crab cake. Go get me a beer.”
Putting the pieces of the controller down, Zoidberg started to scuttle toward the kitchen. “Yes, Master,” he said as he scuttled away. Raising his claws, he said, sadly, “Woop, woop, woop… Aww….”
Bender laughed and put his feet up on the table, crushing the game console. “Hey Fry, your GameBox is broken.” Laughing more, he pulled a cigar out of his casing and lit it. “Ah, it’s good to be me.” Turning the channel on the TV, he said, “Oh, Calculon. When are you ever going to learn and just kill that human? All he does is waste space and take up valuable screen time that could be used by a better actor. Namely me, Bender.”
“To death, you say,” the Professor said into the phone as he shuffled into the lounge. “Oh, my, that is terrible,” he added, shaking his head. “And what about her husband?” After a pause, he said again, “To death you say. And their children?” Again, a pause, and again, “To death, you say. Well, that is a tragedy. But since I hated them, I don’t see what that has to do with me.” He paused again, listening to the voice on the other end of the line. “Yes. Uh huh. I see. Thank you.” Hanging up the phone he yelled, “To the conference room, everyone. I have news!” When no one reacted, he looked around. “Bender, where the Hell are all those other people that are always here doing nothing while I pay them to do something?”
“Zoidberg’s getting me a beer, and that’s all I’m willing to say at this juncture.”
“Hello,” Zoidberg said, walking in from the kitchen. “Your beer, Master,” he said, handing the bottle to Bender.
Bender quickly chugged the bottle down and belched fire. Reaching out, he broke the bottle over Zoidberg’s head and said, “That beer was warm, Zoidberg. Get me another one and make sure it’s cold this time or I’m gonna make ceviche out of you.”
“No time for that,” the Professor yelled. “I have news! To the conference room!”
The Professor shuffled into the conference room, with Bender following him, muttering about killing humans, and Zoidberg scuttling behind them.
Looking around, the Professor saw the rest of the crew, minus Fry, already sitting at the table. “Where the hell have you ingrates been,” he yelled. “I have news!”
“We’ve been right here, mon,” Hermes said, “waitin’ for you so we could have da morning meeting.”
“Enough of your pitiful excuses,” the Professor stormed. “You should have been here, waiting for me, so we could have the morning meeting. Where’s Fry?”
“Bathroom,” Fry said as he walked back into the kitchen. “What I miss?”
“Nothing! Everything! News,” the Professor yelled, waving his arms.
“What’s the news, Professor,” Leela asked, changing the subject.
When the Professor didn’t respond, she started to speak again but was cut off by his yelling, “Good news, everyone! We’ve been selected to enjoy a free vacation on the resort planet of Dorumaa. I had entered a lottery during the Pancreas Days festival, and they’ve finally chosen my name at random. Oh, my yes. I had been hoping to win a new pancreas, but I suppose a free trip to paradise will have to do.”
“What was all of that stuff about people you hated getting killed to death,” Bender asked.
“What? I have no idea who they were talking about. I merely said those things because I hate so many people who have things that I don’t. Like a free trip to paradise!”
“What’s da catch of dis ‘free vacation’, Professor,” Hermes asked.
“What? Oh, there’s no catch. We just have to sit through a six hour time-share presentation first.” When the crew groaned, he said, “Yes, six hours of psychological torture and high pressure sales tactics, just to get you to buy into their little club. Wait a minute. That sounds like a catch! Curse them and their early high pressure sales tactics! Imagine, offering me something that I might want in exchange for a free trip that we have to pay for.”
“What do ya mean ‘we have to pay for,’” Hermes asked.
“They’re paying room and board and, by accepting to receive the information, I agreed to pay for our transportation,” the Professor said. “They convinced me that it was the fair thing to do.”
“So what exactly are we getting for this ‘free’ vacation, Professor,” Leela asked.
“We’re getting three days and two nights in a luxury apartment, passes to the exclusive resort beach and a $25 gift card for Fishy Joe’s Crab Shack. But it’s good only for food and not liquor.”
“What,” Bender yelled. “That’s an outrage! What’s a robot like me, Bender, going to do with a $25 gift card that’s no good for my bar bill? That’s discrimination of the worst kind: the kind against me, Bender.”
“Bender, what makes you think has anything to do with you,” Leela asked. “It’s the Professor’s trip. If anyone, the card is for him.”
“It’s always about me,” Bender yelled. “If nobody’s going to do anything about this outrage, then I’m out of here.”
“All of you get out of here,” the Professor yelled. “We’re leaving tonight, so go pack all of your crap and meet here this afternoon.” Everyone but Hermes quickly left the room to go pack.
Sitting alone in the now dark room, Hermes said, “Wait. Aren’t we supposed to be a delivery company? Didn’t we have a delivery scheduled for today?” Flipping quickly through his paperwork, he didn’t find anything scheduled for today. “Meh, guess not. Good day of work, people,” he said to himself, as he wrote a note reminding himself to dock everyone’s pay for today.
“Well this just Panics at the Disco,” Leela said as they shuffled through customs at the spaceport. “Why couldn’t we get a free vacation to some other resort planet that doesn’t require a detailed scan of our small intestines as proof of identity.”
“Hey, at least you didn’t need to leave your prostate there,” Fry said as he limped behind her.
“Don’t be such a baby, Fry,” Amy said. “They did say you’d get it back as soon as they were done scanning it.” Muttering under her breath, she added, “It’s not like you’re going to need it.” Louder, and changing the subject, she said, “I’m glad we’re here, Leela. So many hot guys come to Dorumaa. And don’t get me started on the food…..aghhhhhhh…,” she drooled a little thinking about it, but quickly recovered before the rest of the crew noticed.
She fell down as Bender pushed her out of his way while opening his casing. Pulling out a tropical shirt and a pair of sunglasses, Bender said, “I don’t have any luggage for the Federales to inspect. I don’t even know why I have to be in this line.
“Bender,” Leela said, “don’t you remember that little ‘incident’ on Space Earth when you were caught smuggling illegal vegetables?”
“Killer tomatoes aren’t vegetables, Leela. They’re either fruit or animals. I forget which, though. It doesn’t matter, ‘cause Bender ain’t waiting in this line with you chumps. So long, losers,” he said, jumping over the rope that separated the customs line from the rest of the hallway. But, as soon as his footcup hit the floor, electricity started to dance all over him. His arms and legs stiffened, and his eye visor slid shut, shutting him down. When he fell over, the electricity stopped. A robot with rubber coverings on his footcups and hands walked by and grabbed Bender’s feet, dragging him down the hall.
“Where are you taking him,” Fry yelled. He tried to jump the rope, but was held back by Leela and Amy.
“Central processing,” the robot replied. “He’ll be picked over and sent back to you when we’re done.”
“How long will that be,” he yelled, but the other robot was already around the corner and out of sight.
“Forget about him, Fry,” Leela said. “He’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Fry said, pulling his bag behind him.
“Oh, dip,” Fry said as they finally got into their suite. “Everything is in marble and the chairs are covered in thick jackalope fur.”
“They’ve got hot and cold running massage oil in here,” Amy yelled from one of the bedrooms.
“I wonder what other catches we’ll find on this free vacation,” Leela said walking in behind him.
“There’s no catch,” a woman said behind them. She was impeccably dressed, with perfect hair, perfect make up, and a perfectly creepy smile on her cosmetically frozen face.
When he turned to face her, Fry jumped back in surprise, tripping over a chair.
“Stop it Fry. You’re making a…AH,” Leela said as she turned to face the newcomer. Her eye wide, Leela, too, backed up and fell over the chair, landing on Fry.
“Yes,” the woman said, with her lips being the only part of her face that moved. “That’s not an uncommon reaction. I do not take offence. Welcome to the Idiota del Grassa Resort, Spa, and Casino. My name is Isabella. I’m your liaison here on Dorumaa. Anything you need, anything at all, I’ll handle for you.”
“So what exactly is the catch,” Amy said, walking out of the bedroom. When Isabella turned to face her, Amy didn’t bat an eyelash. She’d read all about micro dermal facial construction before. It was mostly used by desperate trophy spouses or people who earned a living on commission, like judges and car salesmen.
“Like I said, there’s no catch.” Amy knew she was breathing and speaking, but if the woman’s lips and tongue hadn’t moved, she would have thought she was one of those human replica robots that only the super rich had. “There is, however, the meeting that you must attend before gaining full access to the resort.”
“Awww…,” Fry said from under Leela. He liked how she felt on top of him, even if something sharp in her elbow was digging hard into his sternum. “I knew there was a catch.”
“Which one of you is,” she began before looking down to her data pad, “Hubert Farnsworth, and which one is Hermes Conrad?”
“None of us,” Leela said, standing back up. “They’re already at the meeting.”
“Oh,” Isabella said. “I see. Well, that complicates things for you.”
“How,” Leela asked. Man, this freak was starting to unnerve her. She was a mutant and had gotten her own share of looks, but she didn’t have much choice in how she looked. This woman did this to herself intentionally.
“Well, until Misters Farnsworth and Conrad arrive, you can’t stay here.”
“Well this just blinds the melon,” Leela said. The other three just looked at her, confused. “What?”
“Anyway,” Isabella said, “you can’t stay here until the meeting is over.”
“That meeting just started,” Fry said. “Is there anywhere else we can go until the Professor and Hermes get here?”
“Yes,” she said. “Yes there is.”
“Well this just gleams the cube,” Leela said as they rode back to the spaceport in the back of a cargo hover-van. Bender, his examination completed, lay deactivated on the floor next to Fry. The customs robot had tossed him onto the truck as they drove past, knocking Fry down. Having to take him off Fry irritated her even more. Leela paced the back of the truck, muttering obscenities under her breath, wishing various, and anatomically impossible, things to happen to the concierge.
“Leela, I,” Fry began, but she just started up again.
“There’s been a great injustice done here. And, the worst of it is that it has been done to me, Leela. Someone will pay for this outrage.”
“Leela,” Amy said, “you’re starting to sound an awful lot like Bender.”
“Bite my tight muscular ass,” she shot back.
“Big fat ass,” Amy muttered under her breath. Fry snickered quietly.
“What was that,” Leela snapped, turning to face the two of them.
“Nothing,” they both said meekly. They rode for a while longer in uneasy silence until the truck stopped.
“All rights yous guys. We’re heres,” Sal said, opening the back of the truck.
“Where’s here,” Leela asked as she got down off the truck.
“Da spaceports,” he replied. “Since yous bums ain’ts da bums wit da reservations, yous don’t gets to stay in da hotel until theys dones wit the meetin’.”
“Well, we still get to use the facilities, right,” Leela asked.
“Sures. Why nots,” Sal replied as he got back into the truck and flew away.
“Now what do we do,” Amy asked as she knelt down to turn Bender back on.
“Are we boned,” Bender asked as he sat up.
“Kind of,” Fry replied.
“Well, then,” Bender said, reaching up to turn himself back off. “Wake me when something interesting is going to happen.”
“We’re not boned, Bender,” Leela said, grabbing his arm before he could turn himself off. “We’re back at the ship, that’s all.”
“If we’re spending the first day of our three day vacation at the space port instead of in the casino or at a bar, then we’re boned.”
“We still have access to the beach and the resort,” Leela said as she picked up her bag and headed up the ramp. “We just won’t have a room. If we get changed here, we can take the hovercar out of the cargo bay.”
“What hovercar,” Fry asked as he followed.
“Spluh,” Amy replied from behind him. “I had my car loaded onto the ship. You don’t think I’d actually walk anywhere, do you?”
“Everyone go get changed, and we’ll head to the beach,” Leela said, walking down the hall to her room.
“I’m not going to hang out with you coffin-stuffing losers,” Bender said, pulling out his bow tie from inside his casing. “I’ve fine-tuned my cheating device to peak efficiency. I’m headed to the casino to take the house for all it’s worth. Fry, lend me $20.”
“This is a preposterous waste of money,” the Professor said. “Who in their right mind would buy something this stupid or expensive?
“Professor,” Hermes said, putting down the catalog, “spending $22.50 on dis railing would cut down on our potential workman’s compensation payments by nearly 50%.”
“Bah, we don’t need a rail. Fry and Scruffy just need to drink less at work. And Bender needs to drink more. Yes, the proper amounts of alcohol will solve all of our problems. Now Hermes, we just have to make them think we’re interested in buying a place here, and then, we crush them with our dismissal of the whole process. It’s fool proof.”
“Professor, dese people are professionals. Dey know what buttons to push to get what dey want. Dey’re ruthless and don’t take no for an answer. Dey’re like ants or sheep.”
“Nonsense, Hermes. Ah,” he said, looking over and seeing the presenter, an alien that looked like a cross between an ant and a sheep, waving to them with his two forelegs, “they’re calling us back from break. Remember, Hermes: we just need to stand firm.”
They dropped Bender off at the casino and flew to the beach. After an hour looking for parking, Leela just pulled out onto the beach. “Everybody take everything you don’t want stolen,” she said, grabbing her bag.
“Leela, you can’t park here,” Fry said, grabbing his towel. “This is handicapped parking.”
“Not my car,” she said, walking toward the beach.
“Yeah, Fry,” Amy said, grabbing her bag and following Leela. “The jerk who owns this car will get the ticket.” She got ten steps before she stopped. “Wait, that’s me. I’m that jerk. Leela, you can’t park here! We have to move the car.”
“Be my guest,” Leela said, tossing the keys over her shoulder.
“Meh,” Fry said, catching the keys and handing them to Amy. “It’s your car. Hey, Leela, wait up,” he added, running after her.
Growling, Amy got into the car and started it back up. Irritated, she circled around until she finally found a parking space near a restaurant. As soon as she parked, an alien that looked like an onyx statue of an eight foot tall man started to yell at her.
“You can’t park here. These spaces are reserved for our customers only,” the statue said.
“That your place,” Amy said, gesturing to the building across the street. It looked a little sketchy, but driving around for so long made her hungry. And, remembering everything she had heard about Dorumaan food, she wasn’t feeling too picky.
“Yeah, that’s us: The Onyx Pelican. Best local cuisine in this hemisphere.”
Her stomach growling, she asked, “What’s on special today?”
Bender walked through the casino like he owned the place. Grabbing drinks two at a time off of serving trays or the gaming tables as he passed, he felt, as much as a robot could feel, very confident in the abilities of his newly updated cheating unit, Bender began plotting his path to glory. Fry had only given him $20, but he grabbed himself $300 of back-up out of Amy’s purse during the ride here. Now, swaggering around, he began to look for a loose slot machine. It took him a whole three seconds, a near eternity to a robot, to find a machine that looked on the brink of paying out big. Sliding in Fry’s $20, and pulling a wire out of his casing and attaching it to the machine, Bender pulled the handle. After three pulls, he was rewarded with a cascade of nickels.
Waddling over to the cashier, he opened his casing and dumped his treasure on the counter. “Gimme some chips, Chippy,” he said, taking a puff on his cigar.
“Sure thing, pal,” the robot said, sweeping up all the change. There was a whirling as Chippy processed the coins, spitting out a few bottle caps and subway tokens that had come out of Bender’s casing with his winnings. “Here you go,” he said, “$15.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Bender said. “That seems a little light to me. I give you $30 and and I get back less than that? What gives?”
“It’s the House take, buddy. You wanna to cash out, you gotta pay the price.”
“This is an outrage that somebody else will pay for! And by somebody, I mean you, Chippy,” Bender yelled and reached out to bend the other robot. As he did, several laser cannons swiveled around and pointed at him from various positions around the booth.
“You was sayin’,” the other robot said, amused.
“Uh, this is an outrage someone else will pay for?”
“Yeah. That’s right. Some buddy else. Now beat it. I got customers other than you to rip off.”
“Why aren’t we in the water, Leela? It’s hot out here. According to that billboard out there,” Fry said, waving his hand out toward the floating billboard over the ocean, “the water is a relaxing 850 degrees Kelton.”
“Two things, Fry,” Leela asked, laying her book down and looking over her sunglass. “First I don’t have to go to the bathroom, so I’m not going out into the ocean. And second, do you even know what that temperature means?”
“No,” he replied, “but I’m sure it’s better in there than just sitting here. It’s way too hot out here, Leela. You know what the sun does to my tender Irish skin.”
Sighing, she said, “Why don’t you just go get us some drinks, ok? I’m a little thirsty.”
“I would, but I gave Bender all my money,” he said, sheepishly.
“Just charge it to the Professor, idiot. This whole trip is on him, more or less.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot that this was a somewhat free vacation.”
Zoidberg climbed out of the trunk of Amy’s car and found himself in a parking lot. He didn’t know where he was or how he got there. Looking across the street, he saw a big black bird statue sitting on top of a restaurant sign that read ‘Onyx Pelican’. “I don’t think I’m in New New York anymore,” he muttered. Looking around again, he saw a couple of gigantic hotels not too far away, and heard the sounds of the ocean. “No, definitely not in New New York.” Scuttling out of the parking lot, he headed down toward the beach, hoping to get a free meal. He didn’t know where was, but as long as Bender wasn’t here looking for him, then he was free.
He wasn’t entirely sure how he had gotten into this situation with Bender. He knew that Bender was cheating at that game, though. He had to figure out how to out con Bender and get himself free again. Three years of servitude to the robut would be too much. Of all of them, only Fry treated him halfway decent. He was certain that the robut would work him to death, and, being a robut, not care about it.
Zoidberg scuttled through the shallow water for a while, but didn’t find any snacks, so he went deeper. Finding a few tasty morsels, he scuttled back to the surface to enjoy his lunch. He always enjoyed fresh fish, and the fish here was much fresher than he was used to in New New York. “I must not be on Earth anymore,” he said to himself. “This fish is much too good, and I don’t taste any mercury. Plus, I can actually see at the bottom of this ocean.”
“Hey, Zoidberg,” he heard a familiar voice say. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Fry walking toward him.
“Fry, my good friend, what are you doing here? Where ever here is, I mean.”
“Zoidberg, we’re on vacation. Didn’t the Professor tell you?”
“No,” he said, dejectedly. “I was sleeping in the trunk of Amy’s car because it was better than sleeping in a dumpster.
Fry was torn between being nice to his annoying coworker and leaving him to wallow. Taking a deep breath, Fry said, “Come on, Zoidberg, let’s go get a drink.”
“What’s this,” Zoidberg said, startled. “You want me to hang out with you?”
“Sure,” Fry said. “Why not?” Putting his arm around Zoidberg’s shoulder, he led the way to the cabana bar to get Leela’s drink.
“16 Red,” the croupier robot said.
“Damn it,” Bender said, watching the roulette wheel spin, with the little white ball not sitting on the 0 Green, which was where his cheating software told him that it had the best statistical chance of ending up. This run at the casino was going badly. After cashing out his initial winnings, he’d gone ice cold, losing the $15 that he had made, plus most of the $300 he had taken from Amy. If he didn’t turn his luck around, he’d have to do something drastic, and before now, unthinkable.
He’d have to use his own money.
With his CPU scarcely able to process that thought, Bender walked away from the roulette table. Using his own money was the ultimate last resort. He needed it for emergency, life-style supporting things, like hooker-bots, cigars, and booze. After walking around the casino, bordering on a meltdown, he came up with a plan.
He’d find an easy mark and steal their money.
It was perfect, and it let him do two things that he loved: stealing and spending other people’s money. It was a win-win for him. Now, all he had to do was find somebody stupid looking enough to rob.
“Why did you bring him here,” Leela hissed at Fry as Zoidberg built a sand castle nearby.
“Because it was the right thing to do, Leela,” he hissed back. “We’re on vacation, light years from home. It’s not like we’re going to see any of these people again. Who cares if they see us with Zoidberg?”
“It’s not that, Fry. You can smell him for miles around.”
“So? He’s a lobster, Leela. Of course he smells bad.”
“That’s not what I meant, idiot. He uses butter for sun block.”
“Fry,” she said patiently, “he’s a lobster, basting himself in butter.”
“Fry,” she said, her patience wearing very thin, “Zoidberg has basted himself in butter and is sitting around under a hot sun on a white sand beach.”
“He’s cooking himself out here, you idiot,” she shouted.
“Oh. OH! Hey, Zoidberg, put a shirt on or something,” he said walking toward where Zoidberg was building his sand castle.
“Idiots,” Leela murmured and pulled her hat back down to shade her face. “The both of them.”
She had to be in heaven. That was the only explanation for how she felt right now.
Amy had always been able to repress her food lust by feeding her various other appetites: sex, shopping, sex, drinking, sex, partyboarding, sex, quantum physics, sex, things like that. But, right here, right now, sitting in the Onyx Pelican, all alone, light years from Kif, she was debasing herself and loving every single bite of it. After her first sample of the appetizers, she told the chef to keep it coming until she passed out. That was two hours ago, and the empty dishes were piled high on her table. And the food just kept coming. Pushing her chair back from the table, she said, “Oh that was so good. Almost as good as an orgy.” Wiping her mouth on her third napkin, she let out a belch that would have made Fry jealous. “Excuse me,” she said, embarrassed.
The chef, a giant black skinned alien like the one that brought her in two hours ago, came to stand by the table. “Do not be embarrassed, miss,” he said. “I take it as a compliment. It means that the customer is enjoying my food. To not do so would be a dire insult.”
“You take your food so seriously around here,” she said.
“Food is one of the few things we do take seriously,” the man said, kneeling down next to the table. “Have you had your fill, miss?”
“Oh, yes. I haven’t felt this stuffed since that orgy in that Third World Buffet restaurant.”
“Good, good. Now, there’s the matter of the bill,” the chef said, putting a small pamphlet down on her table.
Reaching for her purse, Amy found the $300 was missing. Bender, she thought. Pulling out her credit cards, she asked, “You take any of these?”
The chef looked down at her and said, “No.”