Futurama

Fan Fiction

Man's Worst Nightmare
By Dwayne Anderson

(Title Caption: More fun than seeing your mother get her finger caught in the faucet...again!)

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning at Planet Express. The crew were seated around the table.

Farnsworth: Good news everyone! Since you've all worked so hard all summer, you may take a few days off for vacation!

The crew cheer.

Farnsworth: Now, let's all decide upon where we will go! However, due to cutbacks, you'll have to relax here on Earth instead of going to another planet.

The crew moan in disappointment, except for Fry.

Fry: Oh come on everyone! There's lots of places to go on vacation here on Earth! Like Niagra Falls, Hawaii, Paris, or even Bender's favorite liquor store!

Hermes: Don't forget Jamaica! Let's all go do the Limbo there!

Amy: I say we go to China or Japan! My ancestors came from those countries.

Leela: How about we hang out with my parents in the sewer?

The crew don't seem to like that idea.

Amy: Leela are you crazy! I can't go to the sewer or else I'll have to bathe for days!

Bender: Your parents can bite my shiny metal ass! Although Zoidberg may like to visit the sewer! After all, he is a hideous monster!

Zoidberg: I resent that Bender.

Fry: Why don't we all go somewhere that we'll all like? Let's all debate.

(As the crew begin to debate, words begin to scroll upwards on the screen. A male voice reads them aloud.)

Voice: Warning, this story contains material that may offend feminists.

If you are a feminist and are offended, I apologize.

If you do not take this apology seriously and threaten to sue, I apologize, both for the fact that I offended you and the fact that I have no money.

If this apology is getting too long, I apologize.

If I am wasting time apologizing, I apologize for making the apology in the first place.

(As that last line is spoken, the crew turn their heads to face the camera.)

Fry: Will you knock it off?! We're trying to decide on where to go for vacation!

Farnsworth: However, before we all go on vacation, we need to make a delivery to Ottawa, Canada.

Fry: I remember going to Ottawa when I was a kid. Although, I don't remember much about my childhood.

Leela: Relax Fry, life in Ottawa has changed much since then. In fact, so has life in Canada.

Fry: What are you talking about?

Amy: Didn't we ever tell you?

Fry: No.

Leela: Well Fry, life in Canada has changed in the best interests of women, but for men, life in Canada has become a living hell.

Fry: What happened? Did a woman become Prime Minister and stay in position when her head was preserved in one of those jars like in the head museum?

Leela: Yes.

Fry: Tell me more.

Leela: Seventeen years after you were cyrogenetically frozen, Canadian feminist author Margaret Atwood led a revolution of women against men. She urged women to revolt against a male dominated society. The Prime Minister was overthrown and Margaret Atwood seized power. She changed the laws of society so that only women could become elected to government positions, lowered the pay of men to below minimum wage, heck, she even passed a law which states that women can only have daughters! Any woman who gives birth to a son is locked in prison. However, many mothers evaded prison by having home-births, and dressing their sons as girls.

Fry: And I was once told society would be much more gentle if women ruled it.

Leela: Margaret reigned as Prime Minister even after her death. Her loyal female followers preserved her head in one of those jars like in the head museum. She's been ruling Canada ever since.

Amy: If you ask me, another woman should have been elected. One who wouldn't make life miserable for men. Someone like Sheila Copps.

Fry: Yeah right! Who wants a leader from...?!

The screen goes black. A stamper stamps the following words onto the screen.

"Hamilton Joke Deleted"

 

Later that day, the crew were flying in the Planet Express ship towards Ottawa.

Amy: Why don't we all have our vacation here in Canada afterwards. Isn't the Niagra Falls that Fry mentioned earlier, here in Canada.

Leela: It sure is. To really experience the thrill, you go over the falls in a barrel!

Fry: My parents did that on their honeymoon.

The ship lands just outside Parliament Hill.

 

Later, the crew enter the Prime Minister's office. Fry is carrying a small crate.

Fry: Delivery for the Prime Minister.

Situated on top of the desk was a jar containing a middle aged woman's head. Written on the bottom of the jar is "Margaret Atwood".

Margaret: How in the hell did you men get past security?!

Fry: But we're with Planet Express. We have a delivery for you!

Margaret: I will not accept it from a man! A woman must give it to me!

Leela takes the crate from Fry and puts it on the desk. She opens it.

Leela: What the heck is this?

Leela takes out what looks like a metallic headband.

Margaret: Put it around my head and turn it on!

Leela does as she is told.

Leela: What's it for?

Suddenly, Fry, Bender, Farnsworth, Hermes, and Zoidberg grab their heads and shriek in agony.

Fry: Oh my head! Make it stop!

Margaret only smiles evilly.

Margaret: Security!

Four female security guards enter.

Margaret: Take the men away and throw them into the street for the filthy beasts that they are!

Fry, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Farnsworth release their heads.

Hermes: We're free! The nightmare is over!

They are dragged out of the office by the guards. Only Amy and Leela remain near the desk.

Amy: What the heck did you just do?

Margaret: I used this headband to transmit my many works into their brains.

Amy: Poetry?!

Margaret: Men can't stand poetry. Typical males!

Leela: But not all men hate poetry! In fact, there are some famous male poets such as Edgar Allen Poe!

Margaret: Phooey! Just talking about men is enough to offend me! I am insulted by the presence of all men no matter who they are!

Leela: It's no wonder men in Canada are so miserable! You persecute them for no reason!

Margaret: I am simply helping to guide women's future. It's for the best. Men were always ignoring our needs, instead focusing on their own selfish demands. But now, with this headband, I can make men suffer, not just in my presence, but around the world!

Amy: Leela, I think we'd better go now.

Leela: I agree!

Outside, they meet Fry, Farnsworth, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Bender.

Fry: Sheesh! Who put alcohol in her coffee this morning?!

Hermes: Somebody should go give her a piece of their mind!

Amy: But you can't! According to the law, anyone who opposes Margaret is thrown into prison with no chance of parole!

Bender: Then this could be the end of all mankind as we know it! Although women will still be around.

Fry: This is going to be the worst vacation I've ever had!

 

To Be Continued

Buddies