I Wish I Were In Arlen
I don't own Futurama or King of the Hill or any of their characters.
"I Wish I Were In Arlen"
Futurama Main Title Theme: "I'll Tell You What"
(This story takes place between "The Wong Move" and "St. Valentine's Day Disaster." We begin at PE and the
Professor has gathered everyone in his lab.)
Professor: Good news everyone, I have invented a time machine.
(Shows them the time machine which looks like a port-a-potty but with computerized things on it, and everybody
Leela: But time travel is impossible.
Bender: Yeah, Zoidberg has a better chance at being loved than the existence of a time machine.
Bender: Yeah, but not by much.
Zoidberg: (sadly) Aw.
Professor: Well as I was saying, I've managed to invent a time machine, when I realized that all things are made of
matter and this machine is able to gather matter from another time and send matter from this time back to the past.
Leela: What do you plan on sending back?
Professor: Who wants to volunteer?
Fry: I do.
Leela: No, Fry! It is too risky.
Bender: Lady, anything he does is too risky.
Fry: It will be fine Leela, I just want to visit the past and maybe see my family.
Leela: Well you have to promise you'll come back.
Fry: I will, I mean I wouldn't leave you. (kisses Leela)
Professor: Now, Fry, get in the time machine. (Fry does so and the Professor, pushes a few buttons and it begins to
make noises.) Now, Fry should be going back to the past and somebody else should be in the time machine.
(Knocks on the door) Hello and welcome to the Future.
Fry: [In the TM] Could you hold on, I'll be out in a sec. (Sounds of flushing and fry walks out)
Bender: Another waste of my time.
Amy: Professor, that time machine doesn't work.
Zoidberg: Can I use it next? (The three step closer to the TM as Fry is about to exit when Fry slips and hits his head
on the control, causing the machine to go crazy, then it pulls Fry, Amy, Bender and Zoidberg in and they disappear
while the rest of the crew duck and cover. When the machine stops, the PE crew look to see Luanne, Peggy, Cotton
Boomhauer: Dang, old this look dang ole Twilight Zone.
Peggy: Oh my God, where are we?
Cotton: We must be under attack.
Luanne: Aunt Peggy, you might want to see this.
(Points to show them the Professor, Leela, Scruffy, and Hermes. Next scene. Fry and company arrive in Arlen
Texas. They are in the Hill's yard and Hank was throwing a barbeque for the neighbors and he is shocked.)
Amy: Gluck, where are we?
Fry: We must be in the past.
Zoidberg: (Sniffs) Do I smell food? (Heads to the table and Bill has his mouth wide open, seeing Zoidberg eating the
Bender: These people have booze. (Heads towards Dale standing next to a pile of Alamo beer. Dale ducks for cover
as Bender helps himself to a six pack of beer. Hank walks up to Fry and grabs him.)
Hank: Sir, I demand that you tell me what have you done with my wife?
Fry: Hey, sir calm down, I don't know where your wife is.
Amy: Fry, what if she is in the future? The professor said that matter has to go to the future in order for us to come to
the past. (Next Scene. In the Future.)
Peggy: So you are saying we are in the future?
Peggy: My God, it is a big honor, in your face Nancy and Minh, who are probably dead by now.
(Just then Kif and Zapp enter.)
Leela: Kif and...Zapp.
Kif: Where's Amy? We have a date.
Zapp: Yes, Leela, we have a double date with Kif and his girlfriend.
Leela: Drop dead, Zapp.
Boomhauer: Dang ole' one eye dang looking ...(whistles)
Cotton: He has a point. You may have one eye, but I got no shins, so I'd say we are perfect. (Slaps her on the butt)
Leela: If you ever do that again, I'll kill you.
Cotton: Whoa, this one has spunk, much like Hank's wife. (Next scene. back to the past.)
Hank: Well after hearing your story, I guess I can say welcome to Arlen and the 21st century. (Offers Amy and Fry
beers.) So when can this professor bring back my wife?
Amy: We are not sure?
Hank: Well while you are here, make yourselves at home.
(Cut to Bill's house. Bill is hiding from the monsters, when Zoidberg busts his door down and he looks around.)
Zoidberg: Live rats, junk food on the floor and this place smells like garbage, I like what you have done with the
Bill: Umm...you are not going to hurt me?
Zoidberg: I won't if I like you. (Cut to Dale in his basement talking to his tape-recorder)
Dale: The worst thing has happened, the evil leaders of the future have kidnaped some of my friends and have sent a
killer robot to kill me, thus eliminating the future savior of the human race. Therefore I must take out the robot,
before he can complete his mission. (Next scene. The future and the professor and Leela are busy testing the TM.)
Professor: This is awful. The time machine is busted and it could take a long time to repair it.
Leela: You mean you can't bring Fry back?
Professor: No, not yet at least. (Cut to Hermes and Peggy talking.)
Hermes: So you are saying that if we switch to Propane we can reduce our gas bills?
Peggy: Absolutely, it is clean burning fuel, listen to me I sound like my husband, Hank. (Cut to Kif and Cotton)
Cotton: And that is how I killed fiddy men and lost my shins.
Kif: Wow you are so brave, a much better hero, than someone I know.
Cotton: good now get me a beer, greeny.
Kif: [happily] Yes, sir. (Cut to Luanne meeting Zapp.)
Zapp: Well hello there, you know I find that the best part of a woman is the boobies. (Luanne slaps him.)
Luanne: Back away from me you pervert.
(Walks away and Zapp is met by Boomhauer with a disappointing expression on his face.)
Boomhauer: Dang that's not how you dang ole get the female.
Zapp: Hmm you seem like an expert in sleeping with women, an even bigger expert than I. I therefore ask to you
teach me everything you know.
(Next scene. The past. Hank's house. Bobby and Hank are welcoming Fry.)
Bobby: I've never met anyone from the future, am I a famous comedian?
Fry: Who are you?
Bobby: The name's Bobby Hill.
Fry: Never heard of you. (Bobby looks disappointed.)
Hank: Now, Fry I need to know if Peggy, my dad, Luanne, and Boomhauer are okay.
Fry: They must be, my friends must be taking good care of them.
(Cut to the Souphanousinphone house. Amy is at the table talking with Kahn and Minh.)
Minh: Glad to see someone who not hillbilly for a change.
Kahn: Yeah, what is your name?
Amy: Amy Wong.
Kahn: Are you related to Tom Wong?
Amy: I have an ancestor who was named Tom Wong.
Kahn: Tom was our neighbor in Orange County, and he thinks he'll be some big successful big shot.
Amy: I know, he'll be a billionaire.
Minh: See Kahn I told you, you should have accepted his offer of having 50% partnership.
Kahn: How was I to know his crazy idea make him rich?
(Minh and Kahn walk out. Connie then enters and talks to Amy.)
Connie: So, what do you do?
Amy: I'm an engineer at the company I work for.
Connie: Neat, where did you study?
Amy: Mars University.
Connie: Mars has a college in your time? Man, your life must be cool.
Amy: Well, kind of, I just wish my parents would get off my case.
Connie: you have problems with your parents?
Amy: Yeah, they are always making me dress all lady like and bug me about making grandchildren for them, gleesh.
Connie: That's how I feel, my parents are always making me study, trying to turn me into a genius, to go to Harvard.
Amy: Harvard? In my time, that place is just a lousy daycare for nerdy students.
Connie: There is so much we can learn from each other. It is like we are the same in some weird way, like we are
Amy: You have that feeling, too? (Cut to Bill's house. Zoidberg and Bill are on the floor, eating junk food.)
Zoidberg: So your wife left you and you haven't found true love?
Bill: Nope, so you are a doctor?
Zoidberg: That's me baby.
Bill: I bet you have a wife to go to. (Zoidberg starts to cry)
Zoidberg: No, I'm a poor failure, no one wants to date me. I'm a big, smelly, fat, bald, ugly loser.
Bill: I know how that feels.
Zoidberg: You know Bill you seem like the only person who understands, Zoidberg.
Bill: Well, I'm just glad I have someone to talk to. (They both start crying and hug each other.)
Zoidberg: That's even better. (Hug even harder. Cut to Hank's house.)
Bobby: So where is this robot you are talking about? Maybe he can teach me a few things.
Fry: Hey yeah, where is Bender?
Hank: Hmm I'll go check the garage. (Cuts to him opening the door to his garage and is shocked at what he sees.)
What?! What in the Hell you doing to my mower? (Camera pans to see Bender doing something behind the mower.)
Bender: It is not what it looks, she came on to me.
Hank: Mister, I'm kicking you shiny metal ass.
(Cut to Bender and Fry running out of Hank's house while Hank is seen at his front door with a golf club.)
Hank: I want my wife back by tonight, do you understand that!
Bobby: [appearing] Dad, why are you kicking them out?
Hank: I should've known they were no good, they said they were from New York.
(Next Scene. The Future. Zapp is getting a lecture from Boomhauer.)
Boomhauer: Now dang ole say, yeah you got that dang ole pretty hair.
Zapp: ahm ahm, I understand whatever you just said. (Cut to the Professor and Leela working on the TM.)
Professor: I think I've fixed the time machine.
Leela: You have?
Professor: Yes, but I'm not sure I can pinpoint on the exact time Fry and the others are.
Peggy: Maybe I can help. (Cut to reveal that Peggy was in the room.)
Leela: Do you think you can help fix the time machine?
Peggy: Well I am a substitute teacher and I know a few things about computers.
Professor: well go right ahead, let's see if a substitute teacher can do what a Professor couldn't.
Peggy: Stand Back and watch me.
(Cut to another part of the room and Cotton is telling his war stories to Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim.)
Cotton: And that's how I lost my shins.
Tinny: Quite smashing good story, sir.
Cubert: That story was preposterous.
Dwight: don't mind him sir, he's just a snot-nosed brat.
Cubert: I do not have snot. (Snorts. Kif then enters with a beer.)
Kif: (proud) Here's another beer for you sir.
Cotton: Thanks greeny and can you give me something to eat?
Kif: Sure. (Leaves. Next Scene the Past. Bill, and Hank are in the alley and they have beer.)
Bill: Yup. (Camera pans to left to show Bender, Fry, and Zoidberg are in the scene.)
Hank: Not you guys, when are you guys leaving?
Bender: I ain't leaving until I've drunk a whole bunch of this Alamo beer.
Bill: Why are you so mad at the robot, Hank? I think any robot who likes beer can't be all bad.
Bender: Mister, you don't know me.
Hank: Bill, I don't like that robot for what he did to my mower.
Bender: Hey, don't blame me you don't let your mower have some fun now and then, she is very desperate.
Zoidberg: Bill, let's go to your house and play some cards or discuss on our favorite movies.
Bill: (excited) that sounds fun. (They both run to Bill's house like happy little boys.)
Hank: [sighs] Hey, where is Dale, I haven't seen him since you guys showed up.
(Just then a bullet barely missed Bender, but nobody seems to have noticed, another hits him, but it just goes through
his head and Bender, just reacts as if it were a mosquito bite. Camera cuts to Dale's roof and Dale has a rifle with a
telescope and silencer. Dale, mad that he's failed, takes out his tape recorder.)
Dale: My first attempt to destroy the evil robot has failed, I must use a better method of destroying him.
(Next scene. The future, we see Boomhauer and Zapp walking down the hall and there is Luanne talking to Hermes
in the distance.)
Luanne: So this is the future? Wow, it is futuriffic.
Hermes: (Annoyed) Yes, futuriffic. (Starts to leave) Just what I need another Amy and Zoidberg rolled up into one.
(Pan to Boomhauer talking to Zapp.)
Boomhauer: Okay dang ole moment of truth.
Zapp: Right. (Heads right to Luanne.)
Luanne: Not you again.
Zapp: Look about what I said earlier, it was...(reads a card) Dang ole misunderstanding and dang ole you've got
dang big boobies. (Luanne slaps him and walks away.)
Boomhauer: Dang ole lost cause. (Next Scene. The Past. Connie talks to Amy in Kahn and Minh's kitchen.)
Connie: (looking at a picture of Amy and Kif.) This is your boyfriend? He's green.
Amy: Yeah ain't he handsome?
Connie: You know I used to go out with Bobby.
Amy: The little fat kid?
Amy: Why did you break up?
Connie: It was decided we were better off as friends. (Joseph walks by the glass door.)
Amy: Hello, who is this handsome young man?
Joseph: (nervous) Um, hello I'm Joseph, so you are from the future?
Amy: Spluh. (Connie and Joseph look a bit confused.)
Joseph: you are really cute.
Amy: (giggles) Thank you, I'm flattered. I like your goatee.
Joseph: Thanks. I love your outfit and hairdo.
Amy: Thanks a lot of people say that.
(Cut to Hank, Fry and Bender. Hank is looking at a picture of Fry and Leela.)
Fry: I wish the professor would zap us back, I sure miss Leela.
Hank: Hmm she sure is nice, if you don't notice the purple hair, but why does she have only one eye?
Fry: Well she is a mutant.
Bender: (Looking in the cooler) What?! Out of booze!
(just then Dale comes out of nowhere and throws water balloons at Bender.)
Dale: Take that you metal freak. Rust Rust!
Bender: (wet) Please, meatbag, I was built with a coating that prevents me from ever rusting.
Hank: (wet) Dale, what in the hell are you doing?
Dale: This robot is sent from the future to kill me and he and his friends have taken Peggy, and rest prisoner.
Bender: First of all I don't know you and second, boo. (Dale runs.)
Bender: Heh heh heh, I love this time. (Next Scene. The future. Everybody is gathered in the Professor's lab.)
Professor: Good news everyone, with help from the substitute teacher, I've managed to fix the time machine and
thereby bringing you all back to your own time.
Cotton: Well it is about time, baldy.
Professor: Don't call me baldy you young smart-mouth punk. Now then everyone from the past get close to the
Peggy: I'll miss you Leela, this Fry sounds like a really good person.
Leela: Thank you and I think your husband and son sound like the perfect family.
Kif: [to cotton] I'll miss you sir.
Cotton: Just remember all I've said greeny.
Zapp: Kif, let's go I need some ointment for my face. (Rubs his face)
Kif:(Sighs and goes back to his regular self) Yes, sir.
Luanne: Goodbye Mr. Conrad and Scruffy.
Scruffy: Goodbye miss. (Tips his hat and kisses her palm. Luanne giggles)
Boomhauer: Dang ole goodbye dang ole Scruffy, you dang ole good man.
Scruffy: Scruffy, understood that, goodbye. (Next scene the past. Amy and Fry are in the alley.)
Amy: This trip is wonderful, I got to meet some really nice people. That Joseph was the most nice to me. So Fry,
how do you like the past?
Fry: pretty boring, this place is so simple and seemly nothing really big and funny happens
(Zoidberg and Bill appear.)
Zoidberg: What a day. We got to eat together and had an interesting conversation about pudding.
Bill: Yes, I love pudding.
Amy: So Fry, where is Bender?
Fry: He said he wanted to find more beer.
(Cut to Hank's garage. Hank enters his garage and is shocked to see what has happened.)
Hank: Oh my God! What are you doing to my truck?! (Pan to see Bender doing something to Hank's truck.)
Bender: Okay, this time I really had to romance her.
(Cut to Bender running out of the garage and Hank with golf club beats Bender over the head a few times as Bender
runs. Cut to Future and the Professor pulls a lever on the Time machine and the TM starts to turn on and sucks
Peggy, Cotton, Luanne and Boonhauer in it. Cut to the past. Bender runs up to Amy and Fry and tries hiding behind
them and soon as Hank arrives a gateway opens, sucking Fry, Amy, Bender and Zoidberg in it.)
Zoidberg: I'll miss you friend. (With a tear in his eye.)
Bill: Goodbye soul mate. (Starts to cry. Hank is mad that Bender got away, but then is shocked to see Peggy,
Boomhauer, Cotton and Luanne back.)
Hank: Peggy (hugs her) it is great to see you.
Peggy: Hank, you will not believe what I've seen. (Dale and Joseph enter)
Dale: (scared) Are they gone?
Hank: Yes and good riddance.
Joseph: (disappointed) Man, I wanted to say goodbye to Amy, oh hello Luanne.
Bill: Hank, do you think if I froze myself for a 1,000 years, I can meet my new friend again?
(Hank just gives an annoyed look. Next Scene. The Future.)
Leela: Fry it is great to see you, (kisses fry)
Fry: I'm just glad to be back.
Bender: And I'm glad I got all this. (Opens his chest to show, he stole two six packs of Alamo beer, one of Hank's
football trophies and a pair of Hank's spare glasses.)
Zoidberg: Man, for once I knew what it was like to have a true friend.
Amy: Kif, I'm glad to see you. (Kisses him)
Kif: As do I.
Professor: Well, I'm glad you all had a pleasant trip,
Leela: Professor you should destroy that machine, we got lucky this time, but you shouldn't be screwing around with
Professor: That is absurd, this time machine is perfectly safe now. (Give a pat to the machine, but it turns on and
sucks Leela into it causing a time switch to happen. Smoke appears and everybody is waiting to see who it is and it
is Lois Griffin.)
Lois: Oh, my where am I? This is just like that awful remake of the Twilight Zone.
Zapp: Why, hello there, you know I find the best part of a woman is the boobies.
Lois: Why, thank you.
Fry: Professor, can you bring Leela back?
Professor: Of course, it shouldn't take long this time.
(Next Scene. The Past Quahog. We see the Griffin family, minus Lois, watching TV and hardly notice Leela who is
Chris (still looking at the TV): Hey dad, mom has one eye and purple hair.
Peter (looking at the TV): Chris, if you mother wants to try a new look, let her.
Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy or any of its characters.
(This is the end, I won't be doing a Family Guy/Futurama crossover, but don't worry, Leela will be back to the future
just in time for "St. Valentine's Day Disaster".)