Haircuts, Teleporting, and Homicidal Snails part 1
Now with a 13,000% increase in mutations!
Scene: Planet Express. Fry and Bender sit on the couch. Bender has a beer
and Fry has a Slurm. Bender flips through the channels and Fry
occasionally sips his drink.
is the life, Bender," Fry starts, "A couch, TV, and this
new, limited edition, Cherry Red Slurm with 200% more caffeine..."
sit in silence for a few seconds.
is boring." Fry states.
'bout a haircut..." Bender suggests, "You DO need a new
And maybe Leela will like it...and she will finally go out with me!"
dreaming..." Bender mumbles.
Barber shop. The sign has a picture of a small light saber labeled
Hairtrimmer 3000 and is labeled: Luke's Saber Cuts--No decapitations
since last Tuesday! Bender and Fry come up to the shop.
Bender, when I come back out, I'll be a changed man..."
just a haircut, dammit!"
you on the other side..." Fry says. He walks in.
don't go overboard!" Bender yells.
lapse. Bender is outside tapping his footcup on the sidewalk. Camera
shows Fry's face, not much hair is in the picture. Bender looks
Bender," Fry says, "how do I look?"
just gapes. He looks a little worried. "Um..." He starts,
"Just phenomenal! Yeah, that..." Bender tries to stop
himself from completely falling over from laughter.
go back and show everyone!" Fry says.
to Planet Express lounge, where the crew is. Amy files her nails at
the table while the Professor tinkers with the TV. Hermes, Leela, and
Zoidberg impatiently wait for him to fix the TV.
walks in, then leans back in the door to talk to Fry. "Do I have
to do this?"
Fry answers. "Or no 50 dollars!"
mumbles, then says quickly in a very unenthusiastic voice, "Now
presenting, Fry's 'wonderful,' 'amazing' new look. Tremble at his
'handsomely' good looks..." Bender puts Wonderful, amazing, and
handsomely in air quotes.
walks in and the camera pans the room, showing Amy drop her nail file
with a gape, and the Professor fix the TV by hitting it in response
to his hair, and Zoidberg falls off the couch.
llamas of the Bahamas!" Hermes exclaims.
Fry!" Amy says.
Fry!" Leela yells.
The Professor asks.
Zoidberg exclaims, "Oooh! TV!" He sits and watches.
it great?" Fry asks. The camera zooms out to reveal his
hairstyle. It is a huge afro with an authentic pick in it. He also
had small sideburns. "The sideburns are too much, huh? They come
off." He peels the phony side burns off and yelps.
that is the most ridiculous-" Leela says, being interrupted by
ridiculously awesome hairstyle ever!"
it is horrible," she whispers.
Let him love it. Have people laugh! It is FUNNY."
She agrees. "Well, with that, uh, good news, Fry...anything else
new everyone!" the Professor blurts out, interrupting Fry.
you have waited 'til I fin-"
The Professor answers, interrupting again, "Anyway, I have made
a new invention. Everyone follow me to my lab..."
shrugs and follows him out the door, although he walks so slow they
Farnsworth's lab. The crew is standing next to a rectangular table
with a metal box in the center. The professor just makes it into the
door and everyone groans.
take an hour for him to get here!" Amy complains.
on!" Bender says he runs over, takes the old professor and puts
him at the table. Everyone cheers.
are you all doing here, dammit!" the senile old man states.
good news?" Hermes asks.
The box..." He says as he reaches for the metallic box. He
punches a few numbers into the lock number pad and it opens. Everyone
waits patiently to see the invention. "Here they are!" He
holds up about 6 watches that had a large screen on them.
are dey?" Hermes asks with his thick Jamaican accent.
on a watch?! Gimme, gimme!!" Fry exclaims.
dimwit!" The Professor yells, "they made that technology in
2438! These are teleportation devices!"
do we need these for, Professor?" Leela asks.
as you know, you almost get killed everyday by your many
The Professor snaps, "These are for your very dangerous
missions. Only use them in emergencies!"
a trip to the liquor store count as an emergency?" Bender asks.
If you over use them, the results could prove fatal...oh my
yes...fatal. It would be a shame if one of you...died!" The
Professor pulls out a ray gun and everyone screams. He randomly
points it at Leela and she attempts to hit him.
Fry says as he jumps in front of Leela, just in time for her to throw
a punch, which landed in his gut. The Professor fires and it shoots
in Fry's direction. Hermes calmly walks over to the crazy man and
says, "Professor! You didn't take your homicidal pills today,
course I did! Now move so I can shoot that annoying, waste of space
wit me, Farnsworth."
crew is shaken up. Amy is under the table and Zoidberg is in the
trash. Fry is in fetal position holding his stomach on the ground
with Leela standing over him.
so sorry!" Leela apologizes, "I know you had good
intentions for saving me, but maybe you should let me defend
points to her head. Fry touches his hair to find out his new
hairstyle was destroyed by the Professor's wild shot, and it was back
to normal, but with some smoke coming out of it.
got it to impress you! Now you'll never like me..."
no offense, but you wouldn't impress a gay mouse." Bender butts
right," Leela adds.
just mopes as he hears Zoidberg let out a whoop. "Friends! Come!
Look at these! We shall use them, maybe?"
puts one on.
don't know..." Leela says. "Let's wait for a deliv-"
new everyone!" The Professor blurts out. "I am not
on that note, you will get to go to the planet Z-X130, otherwise
known as the planet of homicidal snails!"
whole crew has their mouths open.
that is in the Doom Universe!" Leela exclaims, "We may not
make it off, let alone there passing giant space monkeys and
spaceship to spaceship salesmen!"
well!" The Professor says. He takes out a remote control that
scoops up Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, and Zoidberg in a giant butterfly
Zoidberg exclaims, "I get to go!" Just then, a trapdoor
somehow appears and he falls out. "Aww...."
The deck of the Planet Express ship. Leela steers while Fry and
Bender throws cards into Fry's shoe. Amy sits at the controls trying
to fix a minor problem with the ac for the seat.
you done yet?" Fry asks, "I wanna hog the AC."
Fry! That's the 19th time you've asked! Lay OFF!"
you don't have to go mood swing on me..."
and Bender giggle. They continue to throw the cards. Fry misses,
while Bender has a perfect stack in the shoe.
how do you do that?"
is called, luck, me being great, and the PrecisioTarget software in
get all the good cheats..."
why they don't let us compete in archery or shooting at the
wouldn't let me in either after that archery experiment."
Bender says rubbing his behind, "My ass still hurts!"
They laugh and the scene cuts to Amy and Leela chatting.
at them...such..." Leela starts.
how is it between you and Fry, I mean after he pretty much blew you
off for that bimbo."
was never jealous of you and Fry!"
mind..." Leela says. "But we haven't really talked a lot.
He has been trying to make it up to me. A little "hero" act
there, a little compliment here...even that ridiculous hairstyle."
was Stupid Age fashion gone stupider."
but he thought it was cool. And he did it to impress me. Or attempt
to, at least."
on." She tightens a screw on the ac vent and the air flows. "Fry
the ac is-AGGH!!"
runs over to the chair putting his face in front of it,and in the
process pushing Amy down. She mutters something in Chinese and walks
over to the other side of the deck, whispering to Leela,"He sure
has low awareness of others sometimes..."
for sure..." Leela thinks.
Scene: Cargo hold of the ship. Fry and Bender try out their teleporters...
sure we should be doing this, Bender? I mean the Professor said these
things could kill us, and the next time we use it it could kill us?
What if we run out?"
who cares. We always almost die and we always almost get out in time.
Now to our cabin for some magazines and booze for Bender..." He
pushes a button on his watch and he disappears. Fry gasps at the
display. Bender soon returns with a stack of magazines and a 6-pack
of beer in his chest cabinet. "Ahh.." he says, "What a
relief not to walk..." He pulls out a small box and pushes a
button, having it expand to a folding chair with the words "Bite
my shiney metal ass!" on the back. He turns to Fry, "Can
you go get me a TV?" Fry answers."Yeah!" He, like
Bender, punches buttons into the watch and leaves. He comes back with
the small television from their cabin.
to deck. Leela and Amy are talking. An "incoming transmission"
message appears on the screen. Leela presses some buttons and the
Professor's head appears on screen. "Leela!"
forgot to tell you that you can only use those teleportation devices
20 times before it poses a threat to you!"
Professor!" Leela answers.
The Professor walks off screen. "Zoidberg, get out of my mutant
screen goes blank.
we're here. We'd better tell the guys."
will..." Amy moans
Amy." Leela says.
leaves the deck and Leela sighs. "More time to talk to
myself..." Leela says.
am I going to do with Fry..." Leela starts. Just then, Fry
teleports inside the deck, but is silent to hear Leela. "He is
so immature sometimes. Ok, all the time. I know he means well,
though. After that incident with Lars, I have some feelings for
him...but obviously he didn't share the same for me seeing how he
blew me off for...Colleen..."
listens. And listens. He finally has enough and teleports to the
outside of the door. He leans up against the sliding door and lets a
tear roll down his cheek. "How could I have done that to her?"
He whispers. "I finally get her to have feelings for me and I
blew it by ignoring her and going out with another woman. I am a jerk
sometimes...I-" Suddenly the door behind him slides open and
Bender and Amy come out. Fry quickly wipes his face on his jacket
Bender told me that you were fooling around with the telewatches!"
you know you could've killed yourself?"
up!" Amy snaps, "How many times have you used it?"
bites his lip. "Uh...6."
Amy walks in the flight deck again with Bender behind her. Fry slowly
3 times that number." He thinks.
no small talk," Leela says, "We need to deliver these
banapples to the capitol and get the hell out of here!"
He says, disappointed.
by the way, Fry," Leela starts, "The Professor said we can
only teleport 20 times."
has his mouth open.
didn't waste them, did you?"
I only teleported once." Fry lies.
can't tell her the truth," Fry thinks, "She will kill me
and call me irresponsible again. But I feel like I'm more immature
and irresponsible by lying."
foursome walk off the ship each carrying a backpack stuffed with
banapples. They trudge onto the dirt ground heaving them.
new apples crossbred with bananas could be so heavy!" Amy
don't know why you meatbags are whining. These are so easy to carry."
can you carry them?"
looks at them and thinks. "Ok," he agrees, "but it'll
cost 20 bucks. Each."
all mumble and press 20 dollar bills into his hand and give Bender
the fruit. Then they enjoy the view. It looks like a mix of Amazonia
and Kif's planet with a bit of Mars. The sky is green and the trees
are 100s of feet high. Fry looks back at Leela while she looks up,
but quickly looks away.
Fry answers, "Just like the giant redwood trees..."
those trees were cut down to make Super Mega-WalMart. The last living
one is ten times the size of these."
get moving." Amy says.
foursome slowly tread across the terrain to a montage with the song
"Colonel Bogey." They cross a log and Fry falls off but
lands only 3 feet down. Bender drinks some alcohol and burps, making
half the forest visible catch on fire. Them walking up a mountain and
Fry trips rolling down. Fry running from mosquitoes. Leela kicking
down a tree. Amy stops and says she broke a nail. They finally stop
at some giant mushrooms.
know, we have been walking for hours and we still have not seen any
snails willing to kill us...but a lot of logs, mountains, and
mosquitoes do..." Fry says.
Leela starts,"That is a good thing."
but I want to see them with little rocket packs and deadly ray guns
coming at us at the 100s..."
Amy says,"That isn't what happens!"
do you know, no one has ever come back alive or mentally healthy
enough to tell what they look like." Bender says.
I could be right for once!" Fry exclaims. Leela stares at Fry.
"What?" He looks behind him and sees hundreds of snails on
jetpacks with ray guns coming at him. "Oh, crap."