4ACV19: School of Hard Bolts
Caption: This program no longer causes eye cancer.
Cartoon: Quick Draw McGraw
ZOOM IN: Seaside view on the PE building. CUT TO: Fry and Bender sitting in
front of the TV. (what else is new)
Announcer: (on TV) Now, its time for midseason, so get your VCRs ready
for the shows that were too good for the start of the season!
Bender: Ah, this sucks.
Fry: Yeah, back in the 20th century, midseason was worse than this. Like in
1999 on FOX, there was this animated show about- [Leela comes in, cutting Fry
Leela: Do you ever do anything besides sitting on your lazy asses all day?
Bender: Hey its not easy!
Fry: Yeah, every five hours, we gotta get up to eat. And every other couple
hours, I have to go to the bathroom.
Leela: *sigh* You- [Prof. comes in, cutting Leela off]
Prof.: Good news everyone!
Bender: Oh great, here we go.
Prof.: Today, youll be making yet another delivery to the Galaxy of Terror!
Fry: But, something bad always happens when we go there.
Prof.: Yes, but nothing can go wrong this time.
Fry: [whispering to Bender] How many times has he said that?
Bender: [makes computing noises] About five hundred-and-eighteen.
Prof.: I heard that! And its five hundred-and-twenty- seven. Anyway,
youre be visiting the planet Frimbola, the dullest planet on the edge of
the Galaxy of Terror.
Leela: Well that doesnt sound too bad.
Prof.: You dont know half of it.
Fry: Aw, do we have to go, its midseason!
Bender: But didnt you just say-
Fry: Hey, it beats working.
Leela: Look, you wont get paid by just sitting on the couch all day.
all right, cmon Bender.
Bender: Oh fine.
Prof.: Dont worry, Ill keep the couch warm for you. [chuckles]
Bender: [curses under breath]
CUT TO: PE Ship flying through the Galaxy of Terror, then landing on a blue-white
planet. Leela, Fry and Bender walk to a building, which reads Bowling Ally.
Walking inside, they see a bunch of bland people bowling, and the ball takes
like five minutes and only hits one pin.
Fry: Man, this place is depressing.
Bender: Yeah, lets just deliver this package and get out of this dump.
[Fry, Leela and Bender walk to the front desk]
Leela: Hello, heres your package you ordered.
Man: [slowly] Thanks, Ive been waiting for this time- speed device for
a while. [opens package, and puts a device on wall and flips a switch, turning
everything to normal speed.]
Fry: Woah, cool.
[sparks come from the device and the bowlers bowling balls start to fly
across the room. Fry, Bender and Leela run. Bender gets hit by a couple of balls
and the dents knock out one of his eyes, Leela dives behind the bar, Fry hides
behind a plant. He looks from behind it, only to get hit in the face by a ball.
He looks from the other side and gets hit by another. After a while, Fry looks
around and get up. Then, hes hit by more bowling balls. The three all run
out and begin to start the ship]
Fry: Hey wait, Bender, wheres your eye?
Bender: Oh yeah, I forgot it! [Bender walks out; not realizing his leg is tangled
on the table leg]
Leela: Blast off in t-minus 10, 9, ah
forget it. [takes off]
Fry: Wait Leela, Bender isnt back yet!
[cut to Bender, picking up his eye and shoving it back in]
Bender: There, good as- [notices a Playbot vending machine] Oh yeah! [walks
toward vending machine and shoves his arm in the slot, grabbing bunches of coins]
huh? [notices his leg is being pulled back] AAAAAAH!
[Wide exterior shot of the ship and Bender trying to hold on to the vending
Leela: What is Bender doing?
Fry: I dont know, wait, hes got his hand in another vending machine.
Leela: Alcohol, or porno?
Bender: AAAAAGH!! [gets pulled backward toward a magnet vendor] No, not the
magnets! [gets seven magnets on him, Bender flips out and starts singing, By
the Old Wooden Mill]
[Meanwhile, the ship takes off and Bender and the vending machine is pulled
toward it, the ship flies and lands on Earth]
Leela: Well, we made it!
Fry: Wait, what about Bender? [Bender comes crashing down through the ships
roof with the vending machine.]
Bender: [weakly] Uh
CUT TO: Hermes office, where Bender is talking to Hermes, Prof. and Leela.
Hermes: [reading papers] Well, to repair the damages, itll take $150,000.
[to Bender] This is all your fault with your obsessive personality
comprised with alcohol, drugs and pornography!
Bender: Yeah, but it was a whole vending machines worth! Dont try
to lie and say that you couldnt resist it either!
Leela: That ship is more important to me than almost everything, and you cut
a hole right through it and think its no big deal?
Bender: Evidently so!
Hermes: Well, weve dealed with all of your incompetence, but this is
the final straw!
Prof.: Bender, youre fired!
Hermes: Let me handle this, Professor. Bender, youre fired!
END OF ACT ONE
ZOOM IN: Robot Arms Apartments, night.
CUT TO: Fry gargling over a sink, he spits out the water and turns around,
seeing Bender open the door.
Fry: Hey, Bender, what up?
Bender: I just got fired.
Fry: Thats great, wait, what?
Bender: Those stubborn organ sacks threw me out of the business. Im going
to miss it.
Fry: What, your job?
Bender: No! My couch! And I left half a beer under it.
Fry: So, now what are you going to do.
Bender: I dunno, probably kill myself. [looks out window] Hmm, long line for
the suicide booth. I can probably bribe them for a few bucks.
Fry: No Bender, Im not going to let you die. Ill help you find
Bender: Aw, thanks buddy! [they hugs, Bender reaches in Frys pocket,
and grabs some cash]
CUT TO: Frontal view of Planet Express building
CUT TO: Zoidberg on the couch watching TV, Leela and Amy on the table behind
it playing cards.
Fry: Good news everyone, Im going to help Bender find a job!
Prof.: Hey thats my line, and Bender, get out! I fired you yesterday.
Bender: Its not like theres a law.
Prof.: Yes there is, it was passed in 2562 that no one can come to their old
job to grovel or will be shot.
Fry: But Benders not groveling for his job back, hes groveling
to help him find a new job.
Prof.: Oh, then off we go! I have the classified section right here!
[picks up big wad of papers. Fry opens it and sees only one page of Classified]
Fry: Hey, whats this big wad for if theres only on page of Classified?
Prof.: The rest is Robot Classified.
[Fry skims through a whole bunch of pages.]
CUT TO: Clips accompanied by a music montage. First, Bender tries to be a postbot,
but keeps sneaking peeks at peoples mail, and dogs biting his shiny
metal ass. Then, he was a supporter for a car wash. He held the water cannons
for the car to be blow-dried. Unfortunately, Bender fell and cracked the cars
windshield. Before his boss could notice, he ran off. Next, a bartender. Bender
kept drinking beer until he was so drunk, he hit an innocent guy at the bar.
CUT TO: Planet Express, night
Bender: Its hopeless, Im doomed of becoming an unemployed hunk
Leela: Dont give up Bender, theres one job left: Uh, schoolbot!
Bender: Are you crazy? Schools for chumps! This isnt working. I
gotta get outta here. [walks out]
Fry: Man, Bender seems really mad at himself, we should go help him, no, wait,
All My Circuits is on!
CUT TO: Sidewalk across from Planet Express building
if I dont get a job, Ill have to live off of
stealing booze and cigars and porno, and some people arent easily bribable
chumps! I guess I can be a model schoolbot! OK, Ill do it!
CUT TO: New New York, daytime, a street.
[Bender is drilling in a poster onto an outlet (which he bought) with his hand
that says, School. Bender finishes and steps down. What it really
says is Benders Crime School.]
Bender: Perfect. [laughs]
CUT TO: Outside Planet Express
CUT TO: Inside Planet Express, Leela is pouring herself coffee, Frys
reading the newspaper while eating Bachelor Chow.
Fry: Hey, get a load of this?
[Leela walks over to see]
Fry: [reading] Crime for Dummies school opens, students wanted, part-time professor
wanted also. Theres a job Bender can enroll into.
Leela: Hey, wait, isnt that phone number there you and Benders
Fry: Do we even have a phone?
Leela: This is the kind of job thats kinda illegal. We should go check
Fry: First, I gotta get Bender, he may want to enroll.
Leela: Didnt you listen to what I just said?
Fry: No, what?
CUT TO: Inside the classroom. Bender is tutoring robots. The classroom is decorated
with containers of broken bottles, knifes, guns and what have you, a human skeleton
with hit parts labeled, and an ABC table: (A: Atomic Bomb, B: Burglar, C: Cyanide
Bender: Now, when you have a getaway car, make sure its full of gas as
Shifty Robot: So thats what Ive been doing wrong! Im so stupid!
[Fry and Leela enter]
Bender: Hey, youre disrupting my lesson!
Fry: Bender? You work here?
Bender: Thats right, coffin-stuffer. This is my new job! And what do
you care, youre the ones who fired me.
Fry: But Im your friend!
Bender: Ah, friendship is over-rated!
Leela: But you cant open this kind of business, one that teaches people
how to felon, its against the law!
Bender: Ah, if it were against the law, they wouldnt let me print it
in that newspaper, and was it in there? Yes! Now go away, unless you want to enroll!
Panicky Robot: I have a question!
Panicky Robot #2: Me too!
Bender: Cram it! Im talking to friends here!
[the two robots remove their heads and its really those two cop guys
Human Cop: Youre busted!
Robot Cop: Put your hands up!
hey, look! A shoe sale!
[the two cops look and Bender runs off]
Robot Cop: Thats a nice shoe sale.
Human Cop: Yeah, hey, he got away! Robot Cop: Cmon, lets beat his
[the two cops run after Bender]
Robot: Does that mean class is dismissed?
END OF ACT TWO
[Bender is running down an ally and then a railroad track (a la The Fugitive)
and is being chased by a hover train. Its about to hit him
goes right through him. No, its not a ghost train, it was a hologram. Bender
continues to run and hides in a dumpster. The two cops run right past it]
I need a smoke.
CUT TO: Outside, the dumpster is smoking.
Human Cop: Hey, should we check out that smoking dumpster?
Robot Cop: Nah, its probably that guy who throws burning raccoon skins
[The two cops walk off. Bender jumps out with burning raccoon skins all over
him and rolls around the floor. He takes a hose out of his chest cavity and cools
CUT TO: Planet Express building, than inside it, where
[Fry, Leela, Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg and Prof. are sitting at the table]
Prof.: So, Benders opened a crime college?
Leela: For the 14th time Professor, YES!
Prof.: A crime college you say?
Amy: We better get him to shut it down before he gets in trouble with the law
Fry: No way, when Bender puts his mind to something, he always finishes it.
Leela: What about the toilet he promised you for the apartment?
Fry: Im sure he probably just forgot.
[Bender comes running in, a little melted]
Bender: Aaah, you gotta help me! My crime school has attracted cops! You gotta
get em off my ass!
Leela: Why should we help you, after the way you treated us.
Bender: OK, all right, maybe I was a bit too harsh, so, can you help me?
Fry: Ah, OK, Bender.
Bender: Yes! Youre my best friend, Fry!
Leela: You can hide out in the hull of the ship.
Bender: I rather dislike you!
CUT TO: Ship blasting off, orbiting Earth. The hull bursts open and Bender
falls down onto the concrete.
Fry: What was that?
Leela: I think Bender just plummeted from the hull.
Fry, I told you to tighten those hinges.
Fry: I couldnt find the screwdriver.
Leela: Its in the basement.
Fry: [smacks forehead] Woah! Heh, Im so stupid.
CUT TO: In front of Planet Express, Bender is like a foot into the concrete.
The two cops look down at him.
Bender: Any chance of an easy pardon?
Robot Cop: Not a chance, scuzzbot.
Bender: Oh yeah, well, Im just going to bribe you for all youre
CUT TO: Gavel banging.
Judge: Bender, youre off the hook, but you must shut down your crime
college immediately! [hands him closure deed]
Bender: Sure will! Ill just put it in my Important Stuff
bin. [opens chest cavity, puts deed in folder, walks out of courthouse] Heh heh
[it turns out the folder was a shredder]
CUT TO: Bender walking down the street.
Bender: Now to get back to mooching cash off of promising delinquents.
[His robot classmates are ransacking Benders crime college]
Robot: Hey, I got a bunch of knives!
Bender: Hey, what are you doing?
Robot: What you taught us.
Bender: Awww, they grow up so fast. [the robots run off] Hey, wait
CUT TO: Bender boarding up his crime college with a sign, Closed Forever.
Fry and Leela walk by.
Fry: What happened here?
Bender: My punk classmates broke into my crime college and took everything.
At least I got a hefty 100 thousand! [opens chest cavity, revealing money. Leela
takes a bill]
Leela: Hey, this isnt real money! Its counterfeit!
Bender: What? How do you know?
Leela: Since when has Bill Clinton been on the $500?
[Bender notices a car filled of his former classmates]
Robot: Thats right chump, were professional con- artists taking
advantage of amateurs like you! [car drives away]
Bender: WHY THOSE-
Fry: Let em go, Bender. Let em go.
CUT TO: Inside Planet Express.
Hermes: So, you want your job back?
Bender: Yes, Ill pay for the ships damage in full. [hands him the
Hermes: Done and done!
Bender: Heh heh heh
And I promise that I will work harder than ever before!
CUT TO: Bender slouching on the couch.
Fry: I thought you were going to work harder than ever before.
Bender: Ill do it tomorrow.
Fry: Amen. [sits down with him]
END OF ACT THREE