"Astral trav'ller, leaving without her,
wandering where lights go, leave out the bodyload."
lyrics by Jon Anderson
"As the economic crisis deepens," Morbo said, "many puny Earthlings find themselves in a terrible financial struggle." Morbo got closer to the camera. "When my people come, they will find a weak, demoralized population...all the more easy for us to conquer you!"
"Shut him off," Leela said, "I don't even know why we watch that idiot."
Bender said, "I can always tell how bad the crisis is by how huge his head vein is...looks like he might have a stroke at any minute."
"He's got a point," replied Fry. "We're in a big mess...a little like the time I came from, but worse. We haven't had a delivery in ages."
"I'm sure the Professor will find some way to get our business going again," Leela said.
"Good news, everybody...I will need all of you to follow me to the crisis-torium."
The Planet Express crew followed the Professor into the room. There were boxes scattered all over the place, each with a different universe name written on them.
Fry said, "Good grief...are we moving?"
"Only in a new direction, boy...only in a new direction."
Leela got an angry look in her eye. "Oh, hell no...I know what these are..."
"That's right! They are the source for my newest customers. The business opportunities are endless if we expand into the other universes."
"Didn't these things get us into a lot of trouble last time?" asked Amy.
"Only because of Zoidberg," Hermes shot in. "That idiot sandcrab." Zoidberg moaned.
Farnsworth continued. "The business strategy is simple; each one of you gets to make a delivery to a different universe. I've got a lot riding on this - if we can't pull this off, we might find ourselves in the poorhouse. Now, each of you pick up your delivery, and we'll get started."
"Maybe I'll run across my friend Amy in Universe 1," said Amy.
"This isn't a social event...times a wasting people - no time to shilly and shally."
"Well, what am I delivering?" asked Amy.
The professor put a large green object into her hands; electronic, it was nearly the size of a welcome mat. "You'll be delivering a microchip."
"A microchip? This thing is a microchip? Shmeesh...more like a macrochip."
"Things are a little bigger in that universe. Now put it back in its package."
Amy read the side of the box. "Universe #1703 - the Brobdingnag Universe. "Wasn't that those big giants we ran across in the Junction Box area of space? Their Planet Express ship was the size of a battleship. You're sending me into a world of giants?"
"The very same. Why do you think they call them Gulliver Universes?" Farnsworth lifted the cover off of the box. "Come on, Amy...that chip isn't going to deliver itself."
Reluctantly, she climbed into the box and was on her way.
"Okay, Brainiac," Leela said, "What do I get to deliver?"
"A supercomputer? How am I supposed to carry one around with me, much less get it into the box?"
The Professor placed a small box in the palm of Leela's hand. Her eye opened wide, and then she glanced at the parabox. "Oh brother...the Lilliput Universe. Another Gulliver deal?"
"The address is written on the box. Now get going - they're waiting for it. And for heaven's sake, watch where you step...those size 13 romper-stompers could cause a catastrophe where you're going." With a sigh Leela opened up the box and climbed in.
Fry then stepped up. "I'm almost afraid to find out where I'm going."
"This is a neutron scrambler," he said as he put the small package in Fry's hands. "It's a deadly weapon in its own right, so be careful with it."
"Weapon...where am I going? I don't believe in weapons."
"I didn't ask you to believe in it - I just want you to deliver it.
"Well, where am I going?"
"The Universe of Evil."
Fry's eyes looked like he could cry. "Universe of what?"
"Oh, nonsense boy...it's just a name. There are actually many nice people there. Now get going - time is money. They're going to be a lot more evil if their shipment is late."
Bender took a puff off of his cigar and stepped forward as Fry went into his box. "I'll take a shipment going to either the Pirate Universe or the Leprechaun Universe."
The Professor gave him a stern look. "I'm not sending you anywhere...I can't trust you not to steal everything in sight."
"And finally, Zoidberg."
"Professor, I know my actions last time didn't exactly invite trust..."
"Oh, piffle-paffle...I need your special talents as a crustacean. This water-proof package goes to the Aquaverse. And you'll need this - it's a respirator that will supply you with all the oxygen you'll need - I got the idea from watching 'Thunderball' again the other night."
Suddenly Zoidberg cheered up. "My special talents? I'm actually appreciated for something."
"Yes, yes...that's wonderful. Could you get going today? It's that box on the left."
"Alright! Zoidberg is on a mission. Watch out, universes...a chance to redeem myself."
"Do you really trust that lobster on an important business mission?" asked Hermes.
"Professor?" asked Zoidberg. "I'm sort of stuck in the box...a little help would be appreciated..."
"Come on, Hermes...let's give him a push."
Amy emerged from her box, and looked at her surroundings. It didn't take long to figure out that she was standing on the lounge table; her box was a miniature one - just her size. She walked up to a can of Slurm that was taller than she was. No one was there...at least not yet. She realized that her only way off of the table was to leap down to a chair, and then drop to the floor. It was no easy feat, but she pulled it off. The hard part was hanging off the side of the seat, and then dropping to the floor. She walked around in search of someone.
"Hello? Is anyone around? Hello?" Amy walked up to a huge box sitting on the floor; she quickly figured out that it was a mousetrap. "Jimeesh...I'd hate to see the mice here."
A cold chill went down her back as she heard approaching footsteps.
Leela's head popped out of the box, and bumped into something. She suddenly realized that what she hit was the ceiling of a warehouse. If everything was basically the same as in Universe A, this was the warehouse that the Professor rented at the edge of Little Neptune. Leela slid out of the box and opened the sliding doors. She crawled out of the doors like a cat that had gotten itself into a paper box. She brushed herself off and stood up to look around. She again looked at the address on the box she was delivering. Leela gazed out across the cityscape.
"Let's see...Little Neptune...that's the George Lucas Bridge....the Heinlein Expressway - clogged with traffic this time of day just like back home. It's usually three miles down the road, but I'll bet it's a lot shorter trip over here."
As she took her first step, she heard a horrible crunching sound beneath her boot. She gasped, but was relieved to see that it was only a construction robot. She picked up the robot with her fingers like it was a dead insect and cast it aside. "Lord...I've got to be more careful here." Leela had to tip-toe around several cars in a parking lot to start her delivery.
Fry cautiously crawled up out of his box. He ended up in what looked like crisis-torium, but he started noticing the differences. On the wall sat a propaganda poster with Emperor Zapp Brannigan on it - "Emperor?" he asked himself. Another poster, which featured a hideous looking Omicronian, warned that 'the enemy had ears everywhere.' He noticed a flash of lightning outside the window, and saw that a storm was raging outside. Rain pounded on the window. He then spotted what looked like their company logo mounted on the wall, with a skull and the words "Death on Delivery" written around it. Another flash of lightning lit up the room.
Zoidberg plunged into cold ocean water as soon as he went down into the box. His head came up in the familiar surroundings of the Planet Express lounge. Everything was the same, except underwater. He looked back at his parabox, and noted that it was made of some sort of waterproof material. Even though he was fat back in Universe A, he was fairly buoyant in water. With his waterproofed package in hand, he swam down toward the front door to make his delivery. The first person he ran into when he made it to the lobby was Leela. She was basically the same as back home, except for her blue skin, gills, and webbed feet and hands. She was feeding a pet fish. "Hey," she said, "you must be the delivery we were expecting."
"Yes indeed I am," he responded, "and I'm having a wonderful time being an asset to the company...back home, that is. By the way, do you know where this address is?"
She glanced at the package. "Oh, yes. You'll have to swim over two blocks for that one. Just swim up Exchange Street, and then flow with the current up the road. You can't miss it."
"Thank you. That's a nice pet you have there."
"Oh, this is Nibbler." He tried to pet it with his claw, but it backed off and bared its razor sharp teeth. "Don't try to pet him...it's better if you don't. He's not used to strangers...yes, Poopsie-doodle...it's alright...the big lobster won't hurt you." Leela then grabbed his sleeve. "Hey, be careful in that area, big fella...that is a rough neighborhood."
"Oy...I'm a crustacean...I'm in water...what could worry me?"
Amy cringed in a corner as Leela's huge boots came into the room. "Nuts," said the loud booming voice, "we've got mice again. I thought the Professor put traps out." As Amy tried to sneak past her boot, Leela caught sight of her movement and let out a gasp. She grabbed a nearby broom, and the chase was on.
Amy narrowly avoided being smashed by the broom. "Come back here, you little rat! Amy - I've got a mouse cornered up here."
"What?" came Amy's voice from the other room. "It isn't pink, is it?"
Leela stopped her rampage. "You know, as a matter of fact it is. Mice aren't pink, are they?" She peered down at the floor. "This thing is a person, Amy..."
"Don't hurt it," said Amy's counterpart in a voice that echoed high above her head.
Amy looked up to see a gigantic version of herself walk into the room. She was the same in every aspect, but she wore a light blue outfit and had fire red hair. Her boots were a dark blue. She stooped down to pick up her counterpart; Amy gasped as she was encompassed in the soft skin of the giant hand...she was frightened, but the hand held her gently. She was then placed into the palm of the other hand. "Aha - I knew it! Don't you know who this is? This is me, from Universe A. I saw her on the ship as we passed each other in the Junction Box several months ago," she said with pride. Amy panicked and grabbed onto the monstrous thumb - she was well over 50 feet in the air with no railing to hold on to. "The Professor told us that there were whole universes full of little people like this. She's kind of pretty...except for that weird looking pink sweat suit...and that strange color of nail polish."
"Hey!" Amy blurted out as she pointed to the giant's thumbnail. "You should talk."
Leela came in for a closer look. "They're so tiny," she said. She looked the same as her counterpart, except for her royal blue hair. Amy got the creeps as she watched the enormous eyeball move around on that gigantic, round eye. "Is this the delivery the Professor told us about in the meeting this morning?"
"Guys...could you put me on the counter - I'm getting airsick up here."
The giant hand delivered her next to a huge coffee cup on the counter, much like a magic carpet. Amy jumped off. The monstrous fingers then handed her back her package.
"She's cute," Big Amy commented, "just like a toy."
"I'm not a toy," Amy told her, "I'm a person just like you. Just a little smaller is all..."
Lilliput Amy woke up to the sound of Morbo blathering on the tv. She ran her hand through her blue hair. "Philip," she wearily said to her husband, "why do you have the tv on?"
"Amy," Fry said, "you're never going to believe this, honey - there is a monster rampaging through the streets of New New York."
"Fry, I was sleeping. Monsters don't roam through the city...only in your 20th century movies." She yawned. "Are the kids still asleep?"
"Yeah, they're still out like a light."
Morbo went on. "We're happy to tell you that there have been no deaths or injuries yet - again you puny humans can thank your lucky stars."
"Amy, you need to see this...we know this monster."
Amy opened her eyes and saw the images of the giant woman stepping over buildings; they replayed the video over again of her stepping on a parked car, which collapsed with a horrible crunching sound. "Holy shmeesh - is that Leela? With purple hair?"
"When asked what her mission here was," Morbo continued, "she told us that she was only making a delivery. In this reporter's opinion, she's only here to deliver destruction and mayhem...doom will befall you all!"
Fry snuck timidly through the Planet Express building until he got to the lounge. Flanking a medieval fireplace were many ancient weapons of war. He admired a sword.
"You miss those days, don't you...it must feel odd being stuck in the age of the laser."
Fry spun around. "Amy?" It was Amy alright, but not the Amy he knew...she had her hair tied back in a bun, and she wore a grey military-style uniform. Baggy balloon pants were neatly tucked into black riding boots. A knife in a sheath dangled from her belt.
"The heady days of the 20th century...piston-powered aircraft, the kill-drones, machine guns, the atomic ramjet bombers - all the glory that was the Eurasian War. That would have been something to see those times." She admired a machine gun hanging on the wall. "I still don't know why you didn't just cut the Professor's throat and take the company over...Leela would have supported you in it. You always had that soft spot in you. Philip Fry, you need to join the rest of us wolves as we circle around that old, sick lion; one day soon, we're going to call him out. Are you with us? Do you have what it takes?"
Amy suddenly got a confused look on her face. "What's with the goofy 'delivery boy' clothes? Where is your uniform? Are you on a mission? If you are...you don't have to tell me."
"Uh, Amy...I'm here to deliver a package..."
She smiled as she playfully punched him on the shoulder. "I knew it! You sly dog, you...working for the Secret Police, I'll bet. Maybe you do have some of that wolf in you yet, Fry. This could be the start of a whole new day for us - carry on with your mission."
Fry gave her an odd look.
"Oh, and long live the Emperor."
"Uh, sure Amy...long live the Emperor."
"Philip, where have you been?" Fry shivered as he heard the familiar voice of Leela. "And where is your uniform?"
Zoidberg sang to himself as he casually swam over the side walk. Young children played water polo in the street, and a small girl swam along with a pet eel. A worker busily scraped barnacles off of a nearby office building. If only my uncle could see me now, he thought to himself. He stopped briefly to watch a magnificent blue whale slowly swim over the city. "This is truly amazing," he said to himself. The creature gave off some whale song, and continued swimming up to Mid-town New New York. The city was like heaven, bathed in blue light.
Zoidy swam by a food vendor on the street, and just had to stop.
"Did you see that?" Zoidy asked the vendor.
"The whale? A whole pod just went by this morning. What can I help you with?"
"Oh my," he commented, "fresh fish! Mackerel, cod, halibut...a veritable gourmet."
"One Nixon Funbuck gets you a big sample of anything on the cart," the vendor told him.
"Oy...what to get...what to get...the red snapper looks so good..." As he swam in place holding the funbuck in his claw, an urchin of a kid snatched it out of his hand and swam away down an alley. "Wait - thief!" Zoidberg quickly swam after him.
Big Amy gazed through the magnifying glass at the address on the package. "Boy, that's just down the street, but it's a long distance away for short little legs like yours." She brought the glass over Amy until all that could be seen was an enormous eye staring down at her. She chuckled at her tiny counterpart.
"I don't care if you are bigger," Amy told her, "the short jokes are getting old. Can I just have my package and be on my way?"
"Leela, could you help Miss Thing to the tube entrance? She'll never get there on her own."
"The tube?" asked Leela. "Would she survive it?"
Amy put her hands on her hips. "Survive it? I take the darned thing every day."
Leela shrugged her shoulders and put her hand out. Amy climbed into the hand.
"When you get back," Big Amy told her, "I'll have a thimble full of hot tea waiting."
"Thank you...that sounds nice." She gave a wave, and Leela carried her out the door.
Leela casually held her up to the tube entrance; she could feel the strong winds on her face. "Hold on to your britches," she told her. Amy let out a high-pitched yell as she was sucked into the tube...it just seemed so much bigger, and the ride so much faster than back home. After a while, the yelling became less about terror, and more about having fun.
Leela made her way across town to deliver her package in the Lilliput Universe, and the journey was getting more difficult. She crushed a parked newspaper van. "Sorry...sorry," she told the people as they scrambled to get out of the way of her boots.
"Is this Division Street?" she asked some of the crowd. They pointed her in the right direction, and she continued on.
"Turanga Leela," said a voice from a bullhorn. Leela turned and looked down. Near her left boot was none other than Zapp Brannigan. The uniform looked different, his hair was jet black, but he was still the same irritating pest that she knew back home. "In the name of the Democratic Order of Planets, I demand you turn yourself in right this instant for arrest."
"You," she spat, "even in another dimension you can't just leave me alone. Go blow, you twerp!"
"I'm going to ask you this just once before I cut your heart out," said Evil Leela, "what are you doing near Fry?"
"Where have you been all morning?" Amy asked her.
"I've been at the Ministry of Propaganda."
"None of your damn business, Amy. Now, the question still stands - what are you doing around my boyfriend?"
"Look at the way he's dressed," Amy said casually as she walked on by, "he's on a secret mission." She smiled at Leela and ran a finger across her throat. She then left the room.
Leela then turned her attention to Fry. "Is it true, Philip? You're going to join us in our little adventure?" Without wasting any time, she grabbed Fry by his jacket and joined her lips to his. Fry wanted to run out of the room, but he didn't know what to do; this is all he had wanted for years, but this version of her with her uniform and bright red hair terrified him. Leela pulled away, and gazed into his eyes. "I've waited so long for this moment...he really trusts you. How are you going to pull it off? Poison-tipped dagger? A little something in his drink? Maybe an explosion...it could look like a lab accident. You could take out that creepy doctor of death at the same time...make it a two-for-one deal."
"You mean you want me to..."
"Oh, good grief, Fry...don't tell me you're getting cold feet - we've been over this! He's building his own super-weapon; once that's done, he'll eliminate all of us. If you show weakness, you'll become a liability." She pulled a dagger out of its sheath and pressed it into Fry's hands. "If you're not on our side, you're on his...you'd better make a choice - and fast."
"Where did you go, you little punk?" Zoidberg looked both directions, and the boy was nowhere to be found. "The young people today...I tell you."
"''Ell of a world, isn't it Governor?" Zoidy turned to see a teenage punk with a small thresher shark on a leash. "Now, if you was to give me the rest of what's in your wallet, I might forget that we 'ad this little rendezvous, yes?"
"You, sir, don't know who you are dealing with...and you're not getting any more of my lunch money! You've gotten a funbuck too much already!"
"I'm sorry to hear that, mate. This here is me pet Nigel - he hasn't eaten in a good long time. Lobster is a favorite of his. Get 'im, Nigel!!"
The mugger let go of the leash, and the shark came barreling in after Zoidberg. Enraged, Zoidberg's head fins popped up and he brought his claws into a fighting stance. When the shark got close enough, he struck it hard on the head. The shark came back in for another attack, and Zoidy pinched him hard with his other claw. Not wanting any more confrontation, the shark swam off baying like a whipped dog. Zoidberg brought his claws back up and gazed at the teenager. "You want a piece of this lobster?"
The teenager pulled a funbuck out of his shirt pocket and handed it to Zoidberg. "I believe this is yours, my good lad...pleasure doing business with you." With that, the teenager quickly left the alley, calling for his pet shark.
"Oy dem goyim," Zoidy said to himself, "this is a rough neighborhood."
All too soon the ride was over, and Amy saw her exit coming up. Holy cow, she thought, will I even be able to make the exit at this size? She turned her body, just like back home, and slid down the tube to her street. She landed on her feet, and looked around. She quickly jogged over to the brick wall siding to avoid being trampled by the giants walking by.
"Hey, wait a minute," she said to herself, "this address is familiar. This is one of my favorite clothing stores!" As she walked over and looked up at the huge door, she realized that she'd never get it open. She only had to wait a minute, and she walked in unnoticed with another customer.
Once inside, Amy gazed up in wonder at the items the store boasted. No one seemed to notice her as she wandered around the sales floor. She stepped backwards and clumsily ran into the back of a woman's shoe. "Oh, no," she muttered, "those grey shoes could only belong to..."
"Amy Wong," came the booming voice of Morgan Proctor, "what in heaven's name are you doing down there? Did the Professor do this to you? I warned him about his lab accidents." She stooped down to look at her. "What in the world are you doing wearing pink? You told me you hated pink. And what's that in your hand? You're making a delivery, aren't you?"
"Morgan...it's uh, nice seeing you again. Gotta run - bye." Amy tried to run off, but was blocked by the palm of a hand that landed in front of her. She tried to run the other way, but the other hand blocked her exit like a wall. The hands moved toward each other, bringing Amy into the middle. Morgan's huge face hovered in the air above her; unlike her Universe A version, she had blonde hair and a olive drab uniform here.
"You weren't shrunk by the Professor," she told her, "you are from another dimension - and you're making a delivery. Well, do you have an orange card?"
"Don't be a simpleton, Miss Wong. Everyone knows that you have to have an orange card to work in another dimension, mainly for tax purposes. And it has to be stamped in our office. The Professor knows this...all of the Professors in the parallel universes should know this...well, maybe not the Neanderthal Universe. You'll have to come with me until we get this whole thing sorted out."
Amy picked up her boot and brought it down on the end of Morgan's pinky finger. When she pulled her hand away, Amy made a run for it. As she neared the door, she could hear Morgan's footfalls behind her. Before she could make it to freedom, Morgan brought down a wire-mesh pencil holder on top of her; Amy gazed out of her newly-formed prison cell.
As Morgan dumped Amy into her purse, she told her, "This should only be a few hours, Miss Wong. Once you have the proper paperwork you'll be on your way in no time. I'm taking you to my office." Morgan dropped the tiny package in her purse and walked out of the store.
Kif sheepishly joined his commander in the middle of the intersection. "Are you totally sure that it's Leela we're dealing with, sir? This creature has got purple hair. The clothing is all wrong."
"Kif, if there is one thing I'm an expert at, it's the fairer sex. That is definitely the woman I made love at...I'd stake my reputation on it. Notice the curvature of the hips...the suave style she exudes..."
"If you two are going to have a conference, could you please step out of the way so I can get going? I've got a package to deliver."
"Oh no, Leela," Zapp told her, "you've been placed under arrest - you can't go anywhere. You have certain rights, and I'll make sure those rights aren't abridged."
"You've got to be kidding me..."
"I'm not kidding, young lady. You've done a great deal of damage to our city, and on top of that, you don't have an orange card."
"An orange card. Miss Proctor tells me that it's for tax purposes, and that it has to be stamped in her office. Oh, and one more thing, Leela..."
"When this thing is all over, would you join me for a dinner and a romantic evening? I've been told that 'once you go big, you'll never go back'"
Leela's eye glazed over with anger. "Kif," she said, "I've always liked you...you might want to step back a few paces..." Leela grabbed a water tower off of the roof of a building, and peeled the top off like a can of soup. As Kif quickly sprinted back Zapp found himself covered in a deluge of water. "You know something,'" she told him, "I think you'd be pretty much an idiot in any dimension that I'd meet you in." Leela stepped over the soaking Brannigan and went about her way. Kif couldn't help but chuckle.
As Evil Leela put the knife back in its sheath, she looked Fry back in the eye. "Remember what we talked about," she told him.
"Am I interrupting anything?" asked the Professor.
"I was just leaving," Leela told him. She quickly left the room.
Fry could feel his flesh crawl as the Professor's counterpart walked up to him. Unlike the Professor he knew, this man had a huge scar running down his face, and a goatee. His lab coat was different, more menacing that the one on the old man that he knew. On top of that, he had a hideous mechanical eye attached to his eye socket. "What are you doing here, boy? "I thought you were going to be at the Secret Police station all day. Come walk with me through the Hall of Heroes - I have something I want to share with you, now that those calculating girls are gone."
As they walked through the creepy hall filled with dusty old busts of evil leaders, Professor Farnsworth took on an almost fatherly tone. "Boy, I'll cut right to the chase here...I'm going straight to the top, and I'm going to take you with me. I know what the girls are planning - they circle around like vultures waiting for the body to drop." He pointed to his temple. "I'm smarter than they are, boy...I've out-smarted them all. All I need is that last part to complete my weapon - a delivery boy from another universe is supposed to be bringing me a neutron scrambler; I can't get my hands on one over here because of the war effort. By the way, why are you wearing that old set of clothes?"
"Uh, secret police?"
"Oh, that's right...my memory isn't what it used to be."
In the corner of the room, Fry spotted his parabox. If I can only keep this old geezer talking long enough to get to it, he thought. "Uh, tell me more of these plans of yours, Professor."
As Fry talked with the Professor, he didn't notice his counterpart walking over to the lounge behind him. The evil Fry went through his usual routine of swearing and digging through the refrigerator for a bottle of gin. Leela and Amy, who had been drinking a cup of wine, were usually his targets for verbal abuse - they expected it. This time they just gave him a weird look.
He turned to the girls. "Where's my gin? Where the hell is my new bottle of Victory Gin? That was my last ration for the week!" He held up his fist and shook it menacingly in the air. "I'll smash you guys to pieces if you don't stop taking my liquor!" He lowered his fist. "Why are you guys looking at me like that?"
"Why did you put your uniform on?" asked Amy. "I thought you were on a mission."
Zoidberg continued swimming up the alley, still shaken from his encounter with the mugger and his shark. As he swam past another alley, he spotted something that made him even more nervous. Sitting waiting for a meal was a very large squid. "Oh, nuts," he murmured.
He swam quickly, hoping that the creature didn't see him, but it soon gave chase. It wasn't long before the squid's arm pads wrapped around Zoidberg; the tiny teeth in the suckers quickly latched on to his clothing. He desperately tried to strike at the arms with his claws, but the creature was determined to make a meal of him. As they fought, they started to drift up past the buildings. Furiously he battled, but the animal's huge parrot-like beak was getting closer. He knew he'd be torn to shreds if the squid got him near that mouth.
As Morgan Proctor in the Brobdingnag Universe made her way down to the subway station, Amy bounced around in her purse. She pulled herself up on a huge make-up case, only to lose her balance and fall back down into the clutter. A large coin dropped onto her head. "Ouch!" It was dark inside of the purse, so she activated her wrist thingee to create some light. She was sitting next to a tube of lipstick the size of a cannon shell. "Ick," she mumbled to herself, "she uses this cheap brand?" It was then that she thought of sending a message to her giant counterpart. It was no easy task, as she bumped around like someone in the back of a turnip truck, but she got a crude message typed out. Another object hit her. "Hey," she said, "my package." She looked at the address. "This is a rush delivery - I've got to get out of here."
It was only then that she remembered another nifty device on the thingee - a tiny laser torch with a three-inch range; she never knew why the Professor insisted on installing the gadget. Crawling down past the clutter of huge ball point pens, gigantic keys, pads of paper and rubber stamps, Amy found what she was looking for - the leather bottom of the purse. After just a few seconds of using the torch, she was able to put her hand through to the outside. She peered around the debris field again. "Improvise, adapt and overcome...motto of the Marine Corps. Aha - dental floss." She opened the top and started pulling it out like rope. "Good thing we have healthy dental habits, Miss Proctor...no cavities for you!" She tied the end around her waist and activated her laser torch again. Slipping out of the hole, she made a quick descent nearly 40 feet down to the floor. After cutting the floss, she snuck away from those car-sized sensible shoes...
As Leela made her way to her destination in the Lilliput Universe with her package, she noticed a squad of Zapp Brannigan's men jogging behind her. She turned around. "Why don't you leave me alone, you pests!" The men readied what looked like large hand cannons. "What are you going to do, shoot me? I haven't hurt anyone!"
The men in front fired their devices, and Leela could see long black ropes coming up at her; the first of these snagged her in the arm. Struggling, she tore it off and cast it to the ground. Several more of the ropes came up, wrapping her around the arms and legs - they were sticky, and she had more difficulty tearing them off.
A soaking wet Zapp Brannigan stood behind the men with what looked like a huge rocket launcher. He loaded it with a large black syringe.
"What in the world is that, sir?" asked Kif.
"This won't hurt her," he bragged, "but she'll wake up in a few hours with a giant-sized headache. She'll be my conquest, Kif - mine and mine alone. I'll get a medal for this." He brought the device up and started to aim it. "Leela, quit moving that monstrous butt...a direct center-of-mass hit is all it'll take," he mused. He turned his head to the side and shouted, "Back-blast area clear!"
"I'm telling you," Fry shouted, "I've been at the Secret Police headquarters all morning."
"Doing what?" Leela demanded.
Fry looked up at the video camera in the corner of the room. "Stuff...and things. It's on a need-to-know basis, and you don't need to know!"
Leela looked at Amy. "If what he's telling me is true, we may have an intruder lurking around the building. Come on you two..."
"No one could ever say that John Zoidberg died without a fight!" Zoidy again released his black ink and made one last effort to free himself from the angry squid. Losing this battle was not an option. The creature suddenly stopped its attack, and its arms and tentacles quickly lost their grip of death. The water, which was filled with ink, now turned blood red. "What the...this isn't my blood..." He was able to pull the tentacles away, which now hung limp around him.
Leela's face appeared, as she helped to free him from the creature's grasp. She pulled out her long harpoon from the animal's abdomen. "Zoidberg," she told him, "I warned you about this neighborhood. Couldn't you take care of yourself for just one delivery?" She gave the squid one last kick, and it's lifeless body drifted away below them. "You are almost there, kiddo...now go deliver that package."
"Leela, I always knew those harpoon lessons you took would lead somewhere..."
Morgan Proctor's giant counterpart waited on the platform for a subway train. "It always seems like a long wait for the train. Isn't that right, Amy? You're awfully quiet in there..."
Morgan opened up her purse, and didn't see her captive. She began to search through her handbag, but couldn't find her.
"Lose something?" asked a woman next to her.
"Uh, my contact lenses...they've got to be here somewhere..." Her eyes got wide as she poked two of her fingers through the hole in her purse. She then pulled up the long section of dental floss out of the hole. "Nuts," she whispered, "why did I promise Dr. Bowman I'd floss?" Morgan began to search around where she'd been standing. "You can't have gone far, you little squirt," she mumbled under her breath. Her eyes squinted in anger as she spotted something pink move nearby. Amy wasn't able to get that far; she crouched behind an empty Slurm cup as the giantess approached her.
"I see you," she told Amy, "it's hard not to spot that pink outfit, Little One." Morgan's hand swooped in like a large bird of prey, scooping her up.
"Stay with me," she wagged her finger and scolded like a schoolteacher, "I don't want you getting crushed out here. That would mean even more paperwork for me." She let Amy stand in the palm of her hand. "You're a tiny thing...I could give you to my niece as a toy for her dollhouse. You know, it's hard for me to imagine a whole universe of miniature people...not paying their bills...getting slack with their taxes and paperwork." Morgan got an evil grin. "I could have a field day over there...I'd be like a marauding giant..."
Before Morgan could finish her thought, Amy was snatched out of her hand. She looked up to see Amy's bigger counterpart swooping around on her party board. "We'll take it from here, Miss Morgan," she shouted. "Woo hoo!" Before Morgan could say anything, Amy piloted the board out of the subway station and was gone.
"Damn you, Zapp," Leela shouted at him, "you always were a little man, even in my universe! When will you just leave me alone?"
"Leela, no one is above the law...not even you. I promise to make this as painless as possible..."
Before Zapp could properly aim his syringe rocket, one of the soldiers fired his rope weapon at him. Zapp found himself tied up like a calf at a rodeo. The soldier lifted up his visor. In spite of his blonde hair, Leela recognized him as Fry. The men began to run over to him, but Leela's tiny counterpart swooped down on an air bike and picked him up. "Get going Leels," Fry shouted, "you're almost there!" The bike circled the giant three times and then sped on its way.
"Huh," Leela chuckled, "I'm a bleach blonde in this universe." Smiling, she stepped over a hot dog stand and went on her way.
As the good Fry talked with the Professor, his angry counterpart and the girls marched down the hall to confront him. Fry got a lump in his throat as he came face to face with his evil twin.
"Who the hell is this supposed to be?" yelled the evil Fry, "and why is he wearing that old set of clothes I used to wear?"
"He's got it all wrong...I'm Fry!"
"Like hell - I'm Fry! I used to deliver parts for bio-warfare weapons in the 20th century...I have no idea who this dead man here is!"
Fry thought quick. "Why do you think I was at the Secret Police headquarters all morning? This man is a clone, who was sent in to infiltrate Planet Express!"
"Liar! I was at the Secret Police headquarters! He's lying!"
"Knock it off, you two!" Leela pulled out a laser pistol and pointed it at the two Frys. "A DNA test won't work. I've got one sure way of finding out who's telling the truth....how about a little history quiz?" She pointed the pistol at the good Fry. "You - which three countries did President Douglas MacArthur drop atomic bombs on during the Thirty Days War?"
Fry began to panic. "Uh....uh..."
"I knew it! He only a-bombed two countries, you idiot! Now, I'm assuming you have a package for the Professor - pull it out." Shaking, Fry pulled out the package he'd been concealing in his jacket, and held it up in his outstretched hand.
"Holy crap monkeys!" the Professor croaked. "He's the delivery boy! Give me that package!"
Leela held the pistol up to fire. She calmly told him, "Fry, or whatever you call yourself over there, I have no further need of you."
Fry closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, hoping that death would come quickly and as painlessly as possible. As he heard the weapon discharge, he felt the package getting very hot. He yelped as he dropped it to the floor, now a glowing, melting rectangular blob.
"Oh, nuts!" the Professor added.
Leela held up the gun again, and shot just above Fry's head. He flinched as the beam burned off his two trademark hair hooks. "Get out of here, idiot - I won't miss again."
Fry ran over to his box and jumped in...in an instant, he was gone.
"You evil witch," the Professor ranted, "I searched everywhere for one of those! I've already paid for the delivery!"
"Quit plotting to kill us, you old goat! I'm sick and tired of having to save this bunch."
"It's just another day at the office," Amy snorted.
"Well," asked Fry, "what are we going to do now?"
"I do have a delivery," interjected the Professor.
"Can we trust you not to try and kill us?" asked Leela.
"When have you ever been able to trust me?"
Leela shrugged her shoulders. "Got a point there...Let's get our gear and get going."
"Leela's got two boyfriends," Amy sang.
Leela pointed the laser at her head. "Shut up, or I'll kill you."
As Zoidberg and Leela swam along, he spotted the Orphanarium that she was raised in. "I should have recognized the address," he told her. They went in through the lobby, Leela still carrying her harpoon. There they met Zoidberg's counterpart in the Aquaverse. He was identical in every way, except for a dark brown skin tone like a lobster usually has. "What...you bring a harpoon in with you?" he asked.
"Rough neighborhood," Leela said with a smile.
"That it is, Miss Leela - that it is. I was attacked by a barracuda the other day in the parking lot." He held out his claw to shake Zoidy's. "John Zoidberg, I presume..."
"You presume correctly, sir. Here is your package."
"You brought the serum for the vaccinations! This is wonderful...we looked everywhere for it in the Aquaverse, but couldn't find it. You are a saint of a lobster!"
"You're vaccinating orphans...you're a successful doctor over here?"
"Why of course...aren't you in your universe?"
Zoidy shifted a bit in the water. "Well, I've had ups and downs. Listen, I'd really like to sit and chew the rag, but I've got to get lunch and head back to my universe."
"It's good seeing you, John...or should I say, it's good seeing me..."
Zoidberg and Leela swam back out into the street. "He's a successful medical doctor here," he said with a smile. "Leela, I'd buy you lunch, but I only have one funbuck on me."
"Don't worry - what you did today is well worth the price of lunch. Say, I know this great sushi place near our building..."
Zoidy watched on in amazement as a large vehicle with windows lumbered on by them; its propellers churned the water behind it, and it sported a large rudder. "Heavens, is that a submarine?"
"Naw, just a city bus...another will be along shortly."
Zapp Brannigan's men carried him along like a mummy from a tomb; he struggled against the ropes, but couldn't budge them. They had to double-time it just to keep up with the giant Leela. "Where is she going?" he complained. "I can't see from this angle!"
"It's worse than we thought sir - she's headed to Good Samaritan Hospital," a soldier told him.
"Than we should expect mass casualties...turn me around, for crying out loud - I can't see anything!"
Miniature Fry and Leela stood on the roof with several executives from the hospital. They watched the giant coming closer. "It's that box in her hand?" one of them asked. "That's amazing that you guys got it to us so quickly! The surgeons are counting on that computer - we'll get it hooked up as quick as we can."
"Well, we had a little help from some friends in another universe," said Leela's tiny blonde counterpart. "We weren't able to get one so quickly in our universe."
Leela smiled as she gently put the box on the roof of the hospital. "Package delivered," she said as she saluted the Administrator.
The soldiers came running up around her boots. "Will you men hold me up so I can speak?" They propped Brannigan up, still hog-tied from the sticky rope substance that ensnared him. "Hang on, sir," Zapp yelled, "we're getting ready to rescue you from that giant!"
"Rescue me?" yelled the Administrator. "This woman is a hero who deserves a medal. She's probably saved several lives this afternoon with her bravery. If you ask me, she deserves a proper military escort back to where she came from."
"How about it, Shorty?" said Leela.
"Uh, certainly...and then maybe a dinner?"
"Don't push your luck, Tiny...just start escorting."
"Shouldn't we free him from that sticky rope stuff?" asked little Fry.
"I feel much safer with him bound up like that...he can't cause as much trouble," said Leela. "Just drop him off in front of DOOP headquarters." Leela lowered her hand and little Fry and Leela climbed into it. "I just can't get over how you two look with blonde hair," she told them. "And Leela...those turquoise boots are wild looking..."
Kif proudly got in front of the men. "Detail," he called out, "atten-tion!"
Zapp Brannigan finally got an arm free and managed to get to his cell phone. "I've got one weapon left in my arsenal...Hello - is this the Bureaucracy? Patch me in to Morgan Proctor."
Morbo's tiny counterpart in the Lilliput Universe began to wrap up his live tv coverage. "You puny Earthlings escaped destruction again," he commented, "but the next time you won't be so lucky. Doom awaits each and every one of you...someday!!"
The Professor back home turned around as Fry's head popped up from his parabox. "Fry, my boy...good to see you back." His expression turned to a frown. "Why is your hair burnt?"
Fry got a rare mean look on his face. "You old bag of bones - don't speak to me...don't even look at me!" He climbed out of the box and down from the table. "I've had enough evil for one day...I'm going off to have a Slurm! Package delivered."
In the Brobdingnag Universe, a technician looked over the panel with a worried look on his face. "Calvin," he said, "I don't know what we're going to do if we don't get that chip soon...the whole power grid is going to go down for hours...if not days."
"Ahem," said Big Amy as she cleared her throat.
"Are you the Amy Wong that we talked to? Do you have our chip?"
"I don't...but she does." Amy pulled her Universe A counterpart out of her pocket. The miniature Amy handed the man his computer chip.
"Thanks, little lady...you're a lifesaver."
"You're kind of cute," she said to the man. "Are you married?"
After Big Amy left the building, she looked down at her duplicate standing in her hand. "You know something," she told her, "we make a hell of a team."
"That was such a cool ride! I'm curious...do you like a light board, or do you prefer a heavier board?" she asked. "I like the newer, lighter ones we have in Universe A."
"Well, Daddy keeps buying me these heavier Kawanishi boards...I like 'em just fine." She put the doll-sized Amy down on the front of the board and climbed on. "Here...you can pilot us home, Little Bit." Little Amy turned and gave a crisp salute to the giant.
As they slowly rose above the streets of New New York, a tiny, high-pitched shout of "Woo-hoo" could be heard.
"Good news again everyone," the Professor happily chortled, "we've made enough in these parabox deliveries to safely put us back in the black during these tough times. By the way, how did everyone do? I know that Fry was less than happy with his journey to the Universe of Evil - he won't talk about it."
"It was evil," Fry added from across the room.
"I know, you told me. Go on, Amy..."
"I had the most rad rides of my life!" said Amy. "And I met a cute guy over there."
"I got my own tickertape parade," said Leela.
"I got to do something truly important that made a difference," said Zoidberg. "That, and I got to see myself as a success. And I had sushi that was to die for! Nothing like really fresh sushi..."
"Not only did we do this good with our first parabox deliveries," commented Hermes, "but the Gangster Universe, the Centaur Universe, and the Zombie Universe have all expressed interest in our latest business venture."
Bender stepped forward and raised his hand. "Dibs on the Gangster Universe!"
Hermes chuckled to himself. "We just need to make sure that Morgan Proctor doesn't catch on to what we're doing, or there will be hell to pay..."
"I already know what you're doing!"
He fearfully looked around. "Great manna from Louisiana! I can hear that woman's voice when she's not even here! I'm cursed!"
"All of you are in a great deal of trouble!"
The Planet Express crew all looked around in confusion. "Is this place bugged?" asked Leela. "There's got to be a wire around here somewhere..."
"Professor," Fry asked, "there isn't a ghost universe, is there?"
"To begin with," Morgan continued, "you might as well face me!" Again the crew looked around the room as if she were hiding. "I'm down here...on the desk, you idiots!"
Amy looked down and smiled. "Oh, I get it...it's a hologram. The color must be off, 'cause she's got red hair." She reached her hand down and poked Morgan in the belly, surprised to feel something solid. "Oh, my...she's real!"
"You bet your bottom dollar I'm real...and I'm here." An angry Morgan Proctor from the Lilliput Universe paced around the desk blotter. "Professor Hubert Farnsworth: you are guilty of no less than 8 violations of bureaucratic code, not the least of which includes doing business in other universes without an orange card."
"A what?" asked Zoidberg.
"Silence! Professor, I am hearby serving you with a subpoena to appear before the Bureaucracy. You are now under arrest, as you are considered a flight risk."
"I am?" asked the Professor as he gazed through a magnifying glass at her. "If I flee, how will you catch me?"
"We've got a paramilitary police force that can deal with you..."
Morgan suddenly realized that she'd bitten off more than she could chew as the giants gathered in to inspect this new curiosity; Leela stood in front of the rest to confront her. "I've seen your military," she told her, "and they were nothing to write home about."
She reached down and picked up Morgan with her fingers, hoisting her up off of the desk. Morgan's legs dangled as she rose up into the air.
"Put me down this instant!" Morgan yelled. "This is an illegal seizure! Put me down!"
"I have had enough annoying little people for one day, Morgan."
"I have a 925 form for his arrest. You can be arrested too, you know." Morgan's legs kicked around in the air. "You are interfering with a legal procedure. You are in violation of..."
Leela opened up the Lilliput parabox, and dropped Morgan in. She then slammed the lid back on the box. "Let's just file this away until later." She then got a sly smile on her face. "Professor, have you ever thought about putting locks on those paraboxes?"