Futurama

Fan Fiction

Hop In and Drive
By Gulliver63

"Junior's gone wild, he's trashed his room
Double takes, things that break, revealing who is who
The truth is life, the lie is doomed
To crumble from the thunder that has come into the room."
(lyrics by King's X)


"Are you sure this is the place? It doesn't look like there's much to this system."

"Of course, Zarnek...I've been here before. Just a little blue planet in the Sol Terra system. Even though they're fairly advanced in technology, they have no idea that we exist."

Zarnek couldn't help but be amused. "Imagine it...a whole world of fleshy beings that don't even know we're here. Hey, are you sure about this? Are you certain they won't rebel or something when they find out what is going on? Boy, that last planet we went to...

"Relax," said Mather, "you should see how low on the evolutionary scale these creatures actually are; there is no way that they can do us any harm. The only choice they'll have is to just sit back and let us do the driving. It'll be fun."

"Oh, to have a body again...if just for a while. Will there be romance?" asked Zarnek's wife Yas'ala. "You know how much I like romance."

"There is going to be anything you want...and more," mused Mather. "I'm hoping your son Logu here will even get a chance to play."

The four ethereal beings entered the atmosphere of Earth; they had long ago left behind any need for a starship. "The place I like to go is to this huge city on that long, pointed island down there," said Mather.


It was a typical Saturday at the Planet Express headquarters. Fry and Leela watched some mindless show on television while Amy busily painted her toenails across the room. The Professor was trying to perfect God-knows-what in one of the nearby labs...as long as nothing was exploding or catching fire, nobody really cared as long as he was occupied.

The four visitors floated into the building without a sound, drifting above everyone's heads.

"I'm so glad that this is a male/female species," said Yas'ala, "I hate it when they reproduce asexually..I find it grotesque. Well, wish me luck - here I go."

Amy Wong suddenly looked up from her toenails with a blank stare on her face. Her mouth slowly opened in surprise as she studied her wiggling fingers and toes. "This species is bi-pedal," she said. "They have two limbs with these nifty digits for grabbing things." Amy giggled. "I like that word...nifty. Digits...I like that word too."

Leela's singular eye squinted from across the room. "Amy, what the hell are you talking about? Digits?"

Amy slowly rose to her feet. She looked blankly across the room and smiled. "Let me hook in with my host...I can feel her in here with me." Her smiled faded a bit. "The poor thing is actually a little scared - she's not quite sure what is going on. Amy, I'm not going to hurt you, honey...I just want to ride you for a while."

"What are you talking about? Amy, you're starting to scare me," said Leela.

With cotton balls still wedged between her toes, Amy awkwardly walked across the room to Leela and Fry. First she pointed to Leela. "This one is another female...but this one is a male of the species." She ran her fingers through Fry's hair, who looked up in a panic. "It feels nice to have a body again...it's been a long time. You're exciting to me - it's nice to feel arousal again."

"Now just a darn minute, you two...what are you trying to pull?" said Leela.

Amy again looked across the empty room, this time with an annoyed look on her face. "What are you guys laughing at? You need to try this. Come on!"

"I couldn't help it, sweetie," said Zarnek. "You just look so funny in that thing's body."

"Spoil sport," said Amy. "Get in this one's body over here," she said, pointing to Fry.

Fry's eyes got wide, and then he burst into laughter. "You're right, honey...this is fun. These things are filled with all kinds of complex emotions and feelings." Fry, like Amy, studied his hands and fingers. "Boy, it's nice to have a body again."

"Daddy, Daddy...I want to play. Can I play with a toy? Can I? I promise I won't break it."

Fry looked across the room. "Sure, kiddo...you can play with that one that we saw in the other room."

Leela just sat there in confusion, looking at the two. "Whatever this is," she whispered to herself, "it can't be good."

The Professor suddenly scrambled like a child into the room.

Leela got up to meet him. "Professor, am I glad you're here...something's going..."

"Daddy, Daddy," the Professor said. "Look at me! This creature was working with the neatest stuff in the other room. Ya gotta see all the things he's doing in there." The Professor bolted back out of the room yelling, "Woo-hoo!"

Leela looked over in horror to see Amy and Fry holding hands with each other. Amy looked up at the ceiling, this time with an evil smile on her face. "Mather," she said, "it's your turn." She pointed a finger at Leela. "Join the fun...get into that one over there."

It suddenly hit Leela what was going on. "Oh, crap," she said as she tried to run out of the building.

"Oh, no you don't," said Mather as he followed her, "come back here."

As soon as she got out of the front door, she let out a yell and then grew silent.

Leela walked back in with the others. "You're never going to believe this," she said with an angry look on her face, "but this one tried to run out on us. I had to chase after her! She's unlike the others...sort of mutant strain. Her brain must be structured differently from the rest. She's very strong willed. I can still feel her fighting me...I've never had this happen from a human."

"Get out of my damn body," said Leela.

"This one is still fighting me." The other two chuckled. "No, really...I can hear her voice - honest. This shouldn't be happening. Hello in here...we won't hurt you."

"I said, get the hell out of my body," Leela said again, "and get out of my friends' bodies."

"Hey," Mather said to her human host, "I'm the one in charge...I'm the one driving."

"Did you just say driving? Like you hopped into a sports car? You pompous ass - that's my body you're in. Mine - it's been mine all my life. And I'm not done with you yet."

Leela let out with a long, shrill scream that only Mather could hear.

"Shut up, Leela! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Leela's hands were on her ears and her teeth were clenched.

Amy got a concerned look on her face. "You're serious, aren't you? They can't really fight us, can they?"

"No...of course they can't. They're just humans."

"Oh, yeah? Just watch how human I am. I'm a mutant, buddy - I'm something you've never met."

Amy and Fry looked on in horror as Leela put her index finger in her mouth and bit down hard.

"Ouch!!" she yelped.

"That hurt, didn't it? You actually feel my pain, don't you?"

"Did she...?" asked Amy. "We can go to another planet...Mather, she could hurt you."

"You tell them what I did," Leela fumed. "How would you like it if I threw myself down a flight of stairs? I still have some control of my body."

"Leela...I'm not trying to be mean - please." Mather's friends looked concerned. "No, no...we're having fun. Hey, I know - let's go out on the town. Logu, let's get ready to go out."

The Professor came running back into the room. "Are we going out to see the city?"

"Yes we are, young man."

"Whoopie!" The Professor ran out the front door so quickly that he slipped and fell. The others could hear him crying.

Amy jogged over to Farnsworth. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

The Professor looked up with tears in his eyes. "I got a boo-boo on my knee."

Amy held the Professor in her arms like a child. "Shhhh," she said. "it's gonna be alright."

"You stupid, clumsy oaf," Leela scolded, "he's an old man. You could have really hurt him! You promised not to damage us!"

"Will you just be quiet and let my friends and I have a good time?" asked Mather. “I did promise not to damage you guys.” The two looked at Leela, knowing what was going on.

"Look," Leela told him, "I can't fight you. Can you at least make a deal with me?"

"A deal?" asked Mather.

"Can the child at least trade bodies with you? I'd feel safer with him in my body."

"Logu? If you promise not to hurt him."

"I promise; you have my word."

Leela looked down at the Professor. "Logu, you can play with this one now."

"Goodie!"

Leela got that blank stare on her face, and then broke out into a smile. "Hey...this one has only got one eye! I can still see all kinds of things and stuff, but just with one big eye."

Professor Farnsworth slowly got up to his feet, and then examined his scuffed up knee. "By the seven stars of the Ring Nebula," he said, "now I know what she was talking about. This one is a banged up old mess."

Leela went running off ahead of the rest. "Woo-hoo!" she said.

"Good grief, kid...slow down! I haven't run this fast in ages!"

"Logu," Amy yelled, "wait up for us."


As they walked down the busy street, Leela began jumping up and down with excitement. "Mommy, Daddy," she yelled, "it's a toy store! Can I go in? Can I?"

"I don't see why not," said Amy.

"Goodie!" Leela bolted into the toy store.

Amy shot the Professor a concerned look. "Mather, I don't know how good I feel about our son being in that wild woman's body...she did bite her finger..."

"He'll be fine," Farnsworth said. "This Leela wasn't a bad person...she was just very unhappy that we took her and her friends over for a while. I know that they're primitive creatures, but I can sort of understand her feelings."

"You sound like one of them," laughed Fry.

"Well, I mean we are in them...it's handy to use their bodies, but we might as well respect their feelings as well," the Professor went on. "I mean, look at you two...you've held digits...I mean, hands ever since you hopped in for the ride. You certainly enjoy the creature's emotions as well - I think Amy and Fry have enjoyed each other's company before."

Amy and Fry smiled and then kissed each other.

"Hey, you bums...I've been looking all over for you," barked Bender. "Where ya been?"

Farnsworth examined Bender up and down, and even tapped a knuckle on his metal skin. "This thing seems to know us," he explained. "These are the automated devices I told you about. The humans use them to help them with tasks."

"Uh, run that by me again?" said Bender. "Have you been nipping at my corn liquor?"

"Run along, my good metal man, and do a good task for some deserving human," chortled the Professor.

"Uh, I'll just go do that...I'll just go do that..." Bender walked away scratching his head.

Amy suddenly grabbed Fry by the sleeve. "Oh, honey - we forgot about our son."


When the three entered the toy store, they weren't quite ready for the chaos they were to witness. Leela was driving all over the store in a motorized fire engine, and a shop woman was chasing her with a broom. "Look at me, Mommy! Look at me! Woo-hoo!"

Leela turned a corner and smacked a large pile of building blocks, sending them into the air in all directions.

"Stop," shouted the shop lady, "get back here!"

Amy got a scowl on her face. "Honey, that angry woman is chasing after our son with that thing called a broom. I'll handle this." Amy suddenly got a blank look on her face as the alien left her body. The shop lady stopped dead in her tracks as the alien entered her. The tall black woman then got an angry look on her face.

"Logu," the shop lady sternly said, "you come over here right this instant."

"But Mom..."

"Right this minute, young man."

"Oh...okay."

A frightened, confused looking Amy looked at the others. "What happened? And why am I in a toy store?" The shop lady walked up to her and looked down at her face. Amy got an upset look as if she were going to cry. "It's you...it's you...it's that thing..."

The shop lady then walked away with a confused look on her face, shaking her head. Amy put up her hands in a pleading gesture, as if trying to stop some unseen person. "I don't want to go with you...I don't want to go anywhere...you have no right to..." Amy then got that stern look back, and looked over at Leela. "Logu...we're going. Right this instant," she snapped. Her voice had even changed its timbre.

"Aw, Mom..."

"No arguments, young man." Amy grabbed Leela by the hand and they all walked out into the street. Fry and the Professor chuckled as they left the toy store.

"I don't wanna leave the store," Leela cried as a tear ran down her cheek. "I don't wanna."


The next stop for the Planet Express crew was an outdoor Chinese restaurant. The three adults had fun clowning around with their food, which was a new experience for them.

"This thing that I want to say is a pepper," said Amy, "really burns. I don't think my host here likes them at all."

"Let me try one," said Fry. "Ouch!" Fry began drinking big gulps of water to put out the fire in his mouth. "Mather," he asked, "I've been meaning to ask you...is it a common thing for these creatures to want to disperse fluid from their bodies?"

Farnsworth burst out into laughter. "Yes it is...and you take care of that over in that room over there."

"Excuse me then...I'm off to disperse." More laughter erupted.

"I do think that my host here likes this stuff called sake," Amy blurted out. "It seems to have an interesting effect on her body; it makes things funner. Wait a minute - is that a word?" She waved to the waitress. "Human female...I require more of this." The waitress scowled at her.

Leela just sat there with her head in her hands. "I didn't mean to be bad," Logu said.

"Of course you didn't," responded Leela. "You were just a kid having fun. Heck, I had fun too."

"You did?" the child asked.

"Of course I did. You're a good kid. I can't remember the last time I was in a toy store, much less got to tear one apart."

Both of them chuckled.

"Hey Logu, I've got an idea...see if your mom will trade places with you."

Logu asked his mother if he could switch with her, and she relented. Amy again got that blank stare in her eyes, and then looked very cheerful. "I'm bored," Amy complained, "can I run around a little?"

"I don't see why not," said Leela. Leela got up and sat down next to Fry. He welcomed her touch as she put her hand in his.

"Leela, are you in there?" Yas'ala asked.

"Of course I am," Leela responded.

"At first I wasn't sure about you, but you were kind to my son."

"I think our kids are about the same throughout the galaxy. I didn't say I didn't like you guys...our only problem was to be taken over without our permission. I think I'm getting the big picture here...you really like being with Fry, don't you?"

"We don't have this kind of togetherness. It's rather nice to have a body, even if we can only borrow it for a while. You know, for a primitive life form, your questions are very intelligent."

"Primitive life form? I think you and I have more in common than you think."

To everyone's amusement, Amy went running past. "Hey look Mommy...I found a balloon! I found a balloon!"

"Hey, Yas'ala," Leela said, "Fry likes to have his neck scratched." Smiling, she complied. Fry didn’t seem to mind either. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to live without a body,” Leela said. “Oh, hell’s bells…”

“What?”

Idiot alert at three o’ clock high,” Leela groaned.

“What…this guy in the white?” asked Yas’ala though Leela.

“Turanga Leela, you curvaceous creature,” blurted Zapp Brannigan. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” Zapp kissed Leela’s hand.

“Who is this buffoon?”

Meet Zapp Brannigan,” said Leela.

“Is he normally this rude to you?”

All this and more.”

“Leela,” Zapp said with a confused look. “Who are you talking to? I’m right here…I’m all you’ll ever really need.”

“Stay here, Leela…I’ll be right back,” said Yas'ala.

I’m not going anywhere.”

Zapp suddenly got a blank look on his face as Yas’ala entered him. He looked down at Leela. “This guy is an absolute mess…what did I just jump into?”

Leela couldn’t help but chuckle.

Zapp stretched his arms out. “I could really take this guy some places that he wouldn’t believe. What to do, what to do. Should I run around naked for a while? Maybe smeared up with green jelly?”

“As funny as that would be, you should be nice,” Leela told her.

“You’re right…I should take the high road.”

Kif came walking up with Amy. “Sir,” he asked, “are you okay? You’ve got a strange look on your face.”

“You…you are Kif. I haven’t been very nice to you, have I?”

“Sir? Do you want an honest answer?” asked Kif.

Zapp pulled out a credit card and handed it to Kif. “Young man, take this card and have a wild time out on the town. Go run along now – you’re commander here won’t remember giving it to you, so you’d best hurry.”

Leela smiled and encouraged him to scoot with a hand gesture.

“I really wish I could hang around to see him treat people decently,” said Kif. “I don’t know what you guys did…”

Amy began to pull on Kif’s arm, which extended out like a piece of rubber. “You’ve got to see this toy store! You just gotta see it! You gotta! You gotta!”

Zapp put his finger to his lips. “Logu,” he said, “you need to use your quiet voice, young man.

“Oh, Mom…okay.”

As Kif and Amy left, Zapp looked back at Leela. “I prefer being in you…you don’t mind, do you?”

“Not at all…it doesn’t hurt or anything. Come on in.”

A confused looking Zapp then turned to Leela. “Uh…what in the hell just happened?”

“Let me explain it to you,” responded Leela.


On the way down to the Toy Emporium, Amy explained to Kif what was going on. When they stepped into the store, an irate Morgan Proctor was complaining with the shop woman.

“I am very irritated,” Morgan ranted, “because this was a gift for my niece. This was broken when we opened it.”

“So,” Kif asked Amy, “how do you do this thing...when you go into somebody?”

Amy got an excited look on her face. “I will show you…it’s really easy.”

Morgan stopped complaining and got a blank look in her eyes. She turned her attention from the shop lady to Amy. “Thank you, pretty lady…I didn’t mean to play with you so long. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Amy chuckled. “No you didn’t hurt me, Logu. I'm starting to get used to all of this. You can play with me again sometime.”

“I can?” Morgan then spun around to see a large pile of toys in boxes. “Ooh! Those are destructoid robots! Oh boy!!” Morgan went running over to the robots, her high heels clacking on the floor as she ran.

“Oh, no you don’t,” said the shop lady. “Get away from those! Don’t open those boxes! Hey, you!!”

“I think we’d better sneak out while we have the chance,” said Amy with a smile.


By the time Kif and Amy made it back to the Chinese restaurant, a situation was developing. Morgan Proctor insisted on tagging along with them, and was contentedly licking an enormous lollipop; Amy had to twice pull her out of the way of vehicle traffic on the road. "Logu," Amy chided, "you have to learn to stop, look and listen."As they approached the restaurant, they could see that Zapp Brannigan had a large crowd of people around him.

“I was invaded by an alien entity,” Zapp said to the crowd, “and Turanga Leela here let it attack me! She still has the invading alien inside of her!”

Yas’ala,” Leela asked, “could you move on to someone else? I feel the need to do some soap-boxing here.”

“Oh, sorry,” she said, “I understand.”

Petunia, who had just walked in, suddenly got a funny look on her face as Yas'ala entered her. “Damn,” she said as she dragged on her cigarette, “this gal is a real mess.” She then looked down at her cigarette. “Yuck…she smokes these things?”

“Will you admit that you now have that alien living inside of you?” asked Zapp.

“I do not have an alien inside of me,” said Leela.

“Oh, they’re clever, folks,” asserted Zapp. “They blend into their surroundings. That might look like my Leela, but it’s not. Hell, they even controlled me!”

“What exactly did they make you do that was so evil?” asked Petunia as she puffed on her cigarette. "Give us some details on how the 'evil alien' controlled you."

“They made me be nice to my first officer.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” asked Leela. “You’ve treated him like a dog for years.”

“Listen, you…I intend to go to D. O. O. P. and file a 39/384 Declaration of War form. This means war! We’re being attacked! Who’s with me?”

“Um, genius,” asked Leela, “have you tried to find out what the aliens might have that we could use? Maybe something in exchange for them visiting with us?”

Fry then stepped up to speak. “We have nothing.” He looked around. “I’m sorry…my name is Zarnek, and I’ve been in Fry here for a while. We have nothing that you would want…save for what you people call diamonds; our planet is littered with them.” He looked down. “We didn’t mean any harm…we just wanted to use your bodies for a while, to see what it felt like to have them again. My wife and I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. We should just head on. I’m sorry if we’ve offended you.”

Leela looked back at Zapp. “Did you hear that? All they wanted to do was to party in our bodies for a while, and in exchange we could have all the wealth we could dream of. Do you still want to declare a war against these guys, provided you could fight them? I mean they don’t have any bodies that you could have as trophies…how could you even kill them?”

“Well,” Zapp stammered, “I guess they didn’t do that much harm.”

“Yay!!” said Morgan, holding her lollipop high in hand. Amy smiled and gave her a high-five. “Does this mean we can come back sometime?” asked Morgan.

"I guess it does," answered Amy.

“Ladies and gentleman,” said Leela, “let me introduce to you my new friends from the planet Bázmettor.”


Two weeks had gone by, and Leela went over to the Planet Express building one Saturday to see how things were going with the tourist business that Zapp Brannigan had set up for her alien friends. Lured by the prospect of wealth, the place was quite crowded. As soon as she walked into the building, she spotted Hermes stuffing his face with candy from a bag. She chuckled, and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Logu," she told him, "you need to go easy on that candy...you'll get a tummy ache."

Hermes gave her a mean look. "Woman, who are you to tell me about gettin' a tummy ache? And who in da hell is Logu?"

"Ooops," she said, "I guess you really are you."

"Of course I'm me," he grumbled, "who else would I be?"

At a small table sat Zapp, joyfully rummaging through a box of diamonds that had been left as payment for the aliens' visitation. He even had a gaudy jeweler's eyepiece, although he had no clue as to how to use it. Bender sat behind him with a green dealer's visor on.

"You're charging them?" asked Leela with a chuckle.

"Just a cover charge," said Zapp. "The hosts will get most of the wealth, but I might get a good kick-back." He cast a mean eye at Leela. "I've got to get something back from all the money that Kif spent with my card."

"And you trust Bender there to do part of the counting? Won't he steal?"

Bender turned and proudly displayed a grill full of diamonds in his teeth. "Who, me?"

Among the crowd of people walked Mom, who placed a diamond the size of a baseball into the box.

"Mom?" asked Leela. "Or, let me guess..."

"No, it's me - Zarnek." She took a drag off of her cigarette.

"What's it like being inside of Mom?" Leela asked. "Creepy, I'd bet..."

"Oh, you know...you sag in all the wrong places." She looked at Leela. "Tell me something - does this human beat her sons? They cringe every time I walk by them."

"Oh, she's been known to slap them a time or two."

By this time Zapp had picked up the diamond. "Holy cow," he said, "this is the biggest diamond I've ever seen!"

"Oh, that thing? That has been sitting in my front yard forever...I haven't known what to do with it."

Leela laughed. "You guys have front yards?"

Dr. Cahill then walked up to Leela and put her hand on her shoulder. "I want to thank you again for everything you've done." She noticed Leela's look of confusion. "Oh, forgive me...I'm Mather."

"Not a problem...only too glad to help."

Leela then felt a stream of cold water on her neck. She turned around to see Dr. Zoidberg standing there holding a water pistol laughing. "Logu..."

"Thank you, Miss Leela, for letting us come back."

"Not a problem. How are you liking Zoidberg?"

"He's got an...ek...ex..."

"Exoskeleton?"

"Yeah...he can fall down and not get hurt." Zoidberg soon found himself sprayed by the Professor, who was running around with another water gun. "Hey!" The two ran off to chase each other around the building.

Leela suddenly stopped and got a blank look on her face as Yas'ala entered her body. "Hey," Leela said, "I'd wondered where you'd gotten to."

"I couldn't stop by without saying hello," Yas'ala answered. "Would you like to hang out with us this afternoon?"

"Sure...I'm free all evening."

"Ladies and gentlemen, along with various other things," Zapp announced, "the bus for Coney Island leaves here at 2 PM sharp. Try not to get separated from your assigned partners...the amusement park is a big place. After the park...I make no promises." A few in the crowd chuckled. "Anyway, we'll see you all at 2:00."

"Leela, I hope you like...what are those things, roller coasters..."

"Bring 'em on," answered Leela, "I love them. And don't forget to hit the hotdog stand - get one with shredded cheese and mustard...you'll thank me."

Buddies