Leela awoke to some commotion in the Planet Express lounge. She'd been taking a quick nap on the couch when Fry came running in.
"What's going on? What's all that racket about?"
"We're being invaded by a fleet of enemy ships...Zapp Brannigan couldn't stop them."
"I don't know."
Leela now spotted the huge black ships out the window. "Here...let me grab the Jane's guide..." She pulled a book off of the shelf and thumbed through it. She then looked back out the window. "They're definitely Omicronian - Annihilator missile frigates."
"But why are they attacking us?"
"Well, turn on the TV - invaders of Earth always seem to monologue on the television."
Fry turned on the TV. The image of a frightening, bald-headed baby appeared, wearing a black military uniform. A scar ran down one side of his face, and he had a Fu Manchu mustache. His eyes drilled into the camera as he prepared his notes.
"People of Earth," the baby said with a slight British accent, "I am making my triumphal return to your planet as a conqueror. I have spent many years in the dark mines of Omicron Persei 8, and now I've returned to wreak my revenge. While I may closely resemble one of your Earth inhabitants from the past, except for the fact that I have messed-up looking teeth and a scar, I assure you that this is only a coincidence. Don't bother looking me up in wiki! Anyway, you only have a few minutes left to enjoy your lives on this miserable planet, so spend them well. Know that it is I, Denomicos, that has interpreted your doom. You may also call me "The Beast" Denomicos if you like. Victory is mine! I shall ravish your women and take your babies home as slaves. I shall sell your children for bottles of liquor...cheap stuff at that, not the good hooch. This message ends...now."
By this time Professor Farnsworth had wandered into the lounge. After punching a few buttons on his handheld computer, he pointed to the TV. "That's not a Denomicos, that's a...Griffin."
"Shmeesher," Amy said, "what's a Griffin?"
"Oh, they were a wonderful family from the 21st century in Rhode Island. They had a TV show of sorts...I think they used to promote healthy family values or something. Sort of like Doris Day in the 1950's."
Leela looked over at him. "How can you tell if he's a Griffin?"
"Look at this photo - notice the football-shaped head." He held up the computer. "Ever since the early 21st century, there has never failed to be a Griffin conqueror. It started with little Stewie Griffin, who briefly took over the city of Quahog, Rhode Island in the 'Beer Hall Putsch of 2021'. Then it was Morris Griffin, who took over a UN company picnic in 2057. Sir Edgar Griffin attacked the peace conference at Greenland, and Aleksandr Griffin took over the New Plymouth Shipyards on Mars...and it just keeps going on until today. Until now his family tree have all been miserable failures...and here his descendent has come back to take over Earth. We have to travel to the early 21st century to end this reign of terror once and for all."
"But how are we supposed to do that?" asked Fry.
"Oh, I was hoping you'd ask that...follow me to the lab."
"There's my little man," the red-headed Lois said with a smile as she patted her son on the head. "You be a good boy until Mommy gets back home. Brian will take good care of you."
The baby sarcastically mimicked the words. He looked over at his dog and grumbled. "She's despicable; I loathe her, you know that. Still, she does serve a function when I soil my undies."
"Oh, lighten up," the white dog answered back. "Where would you be without her?"
"Actually, the chubby father is the one I'm going to enjoy killing when I rule the world. Disgusting - he's like a beached whale with no fins...and no oil. At least whale blubber can be used for something..."
The dog grimaced as he lit up a cigarette. "There you go again, spouting that nonsense. Why don't you talk like other kids, excited about driving a cement truck, or growing up to be a cowboy?"
"This coming from a talking dog. Anyway, I'm off to work on my latest experiment: sending a sample of my DNA into space for aliens to clone."
The dog mixed a martini in the kitchen. "All this - and you can't even change your diapers."
Little Stewie popped his head back into the kitchen and pointed to the dog. "Mark my words - I'll be Lord and Master of Earth someday. And you will be on my leash."
Brain the dog ignored him and shook his martini. "Got to get this thing right - way too dry last time."
"There she is," the Professor chortled, "big beautiful blue Earth."
"You just left it," Leela added. "It's like driving out of a parking lot, and coming back in." She hit a few buttons. "Rhode Island...just like making an approach to New New York, but a slide to the left. I can see Amy has already put the coordinates into the computer - 31 Spooner Street, Quahog."
"I always get the heeby-jeebies when you use that machine of yours," Fry said.
"Get ready for re-entry," Leela said. "All shields full front. Go back and get Amy - she can operate the cloaking device."
"We've got a cloaking device? Just like Star..."
"Don't say it," Leela cut in. "Yeah, the old codger put one in."
"I'm just full of surprises," Farnsworth said with a smile.
"Yeah, like bad sex." Leela smirked. "It's still like hiding an elephant behind a bonsai tree. But without it we'd light up their radar screens like X-mas lights on a clear evening."
Fry went back and Bender strolled forward as the crew watched the orange streaks of flame go up across the windscreen. "So, old man, what's the job?" the robot asked.
"I'd appreciate you not calling me that. I'll let you know that when the time is right."
He puffed on his cigar. "It's a hit, isn't it? You want someone whacked."
"Just go back in the galley and wait until we need you."
As he walked back, he turned his head. "Yep - just like I thought...someone's gonna get whacked." He had a horrible singing voice, but went into song anyway. "Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap..."
Peter mushed his face with the palm of his hand like an impatient child. "Lois, how can you stand this stuff?"
"Shhh...you promised to be supportive of my interests."
"Yeah...but a community playhouse? That reminds me of the time..."
Lois grabbed his arm. "Oh no...you're not going into a cutaway gag on me. Just be quiet and enjoy the play."
"But it was a really good one," Peter simpered, "it involved the movie Avatar."
The radar operator at Tazewell Air Force Base was tired, but his eyes suddenly popped open wide. "Sir, we've got an object dropping out of orbit...tracking one object inbound toward the East Coast." His throat went dry as he pushed the call button. "We need a bird inbound to intercept...this is no drill."
His supervisor came by to investigate; the young man quickly turned to him. "Oh my God, sir...you don't think is a missile launch...do you?"
"The Eisenhower is sure to have birds up in the area - we'll call them over. Whatever it is, it's a slow-mover...we'll take it down with little trouble before it reaches the coast."
Amy pounded her little fist on the Professor's machine. "Yo mao bing! Are you sure this thing is working? I don't think it's working..."
Leela got a worried look on her face. "If it's not, then they tracked us coming in - they'll think someone launched a nuclear missile."
Fry got a child-like look of enthusiasm as he peered out the windows at the night sky. "Hey...we're getting an escort in."
Leela's eye got huge as she spotted the running lights of the two F-18 Hornet fighters flanking the ship. "Oh, God - those aren't escorts...they're here to kill us..."
Leela then thumbed the dial of the radio. "Unidentified aircraft...please identify yourselves...you are entering the territory of the United States...this is your last warning...you will be shot down..."
Leela looked over to her left, and could actually see the pilot pointing his thumb down. She returned a feeble smile. Through her teeth she told Amy, "Get that damned thing working - fast!"
"Try pounding it on that side," offered the Professor. "Not this side, that side."
"Oh, that's a big help," Leela said sarcastically. She cringed as she saw one of the fighters slide back and the other move away from their ship. "Get that thing working - he's going launch a missile at us!"
Amy gave the device one more pound, and the machine's lights came on.
It took a whole second for it to register. The pilot contacted the air base. The voice of an angry colonel responded. "What do you mean, gone?"
"Sir, I was looking right at it...and it disappeared. A big green thing. A female pilot was flying it - and it just vanished..."
"Well, find it!"
Young Meg Griffin sat alone in Starbugs coffee shop texting away. She thanked the server for bringing over her coffee. Why am I here? she texted. Where else would I be? My father and brother are constantly trying to screw up my life, and it's not like I have a date or anything...
Little Stewie stopped making his plans for world domination, and he looked around. "What in the deuce was that?"
"That? That big thump sound...don't tell me you didn't hear it? It sounded like it came from the back yard." The child went over and opened the back door.
"Stewie, I'm responsible for you." The dog walked to the back door, sipping his martini. He stuck out his tongue. "Ick - still too much vermouth. What are you looking at?"
Stewie's jaw was slack. "There's a rocketship in our backyard."
"Yeah, right...a what?"
"I was going to search for intelligent aliens tomorrow...it looks like they've come to us..."
"Don't go out there," the dog cautioned. "For the love of Mike..."
The baby walked cautiously through the yard toward the ship.
As Stewie watched, a lone woman came down the gangway of the ship. Her head still buried in a map, she glanced up at the vehicle and let out a sigh.
"The ship is visible," she yelled up at her friends.
"Hit the cloaking device - I can see the ship."
"Dao mei! Wo bu mingbai! Yo mao bing!"
The ship suddenly disappeared. Oh my, Stewart thought, our first encounter with interstellar life, and I get to be the one! They'll erect a statue to me in the town square!
While the woman proceeded to look at her map, Brian the dog ran up to the baby.
"Stewie, what are you doing out here? Go back in the house. This woman is a stranger - strangers are bad, you know that. What's wrong with you?"
Stewie pondered the situation. Not knowing what else to do, he decided to make contact. He held his hand up in an awkward manner.
"What do I do here Brian? I forget the movie. Let's see...there were five musical tones...bum, bum, bum, bum, bum..."
Leela lowered her map and looked over at the two with her singular eye. The dog and the baby let out a gasp of shock.
"That eye won't turn me to stone, will it?" asked Stewie. "I've read Bulfinch's Mythology, but it's been a while."
"Who are you two supposed to be?"
Stewie grabbed Brian’s arm. "Oh my God - it's the apocalypse, and we're the very gatekeepers. Uh, I say...do you come in peace, like the Federation, or should we arm ourselves with pitchforks and flaming torches?"
Leela bit her knuckle and let out a dry sarcastic giggle. "A talking baby...and the dog talks too. How cute."
Stewie got annoyed. "You should talk, you hold-over from a Ray Harryhausen movie. Have you lobbed any giant boulders at Greek sailors lately? Do you live in a cozy cave?"
"Stewie, shut up..."
Leela's eye suddenly got wide. "Stewie, your name is Stewie?"
"She's very observant for a beast with a cantaloupe for an eye," Stewie chirped. "I guess the ears work as well."
Brian sipped his martini. "It's probably best not to piss her off an any rate."
By this time Bender clomped down the invisible gangway to see what was going on. He puffed on his cigar. "Hey, toots...who's the midget?"
"That midget is...uh...named Stewie."
"He kind of looks like that baby on tv back home. Aren't we supposed to kill..." Before he could finish his sentence, Leela quickly grabbed the robot's mouth.
"Some time...yes - we're here to kill some time before the invasion." She spoke to Bender through gritted teeth and her eye got mean looking. "Will you shut your pie hole?"
Stewie got an excited look on his face. "I say, is that an automaton? You really are from outer space, aren't you?"
Leela thought quickly. "Uh, yeah...sure we are. From outer space. Live long and uh..."
"Yeah. Prosper. I'm Commander Leela and this is my faithful, uh, droid, C Triple Zero."
"Say what?" asked Bender.
Leela again gritted her teeth and scolded the robot. "Will you get your butt back on the ship and just stay there?"
"Fine...I'll just grab a beer...I know when I'm not wanted." Bender went back up the invisible staircase.
"So," Stewie continued, "when will the invasion happen...crack of dawn, that sort of thing? A surprise attack? Coming in out of the rising sun, that old chestnut?"
"Uh, yeah. Let us work some more on our invasion plan, and we'll be seeing you tomorrow. I promise to spare you and your friend. We may even make you, uh, an Imperial Senator. We'll be keeping a close eye on you, young Padowan." Leela then jogged up the stairs and disappeared.
Stewie pumped his arm. "Do you know what this means? I've discovered alien intelligence, Brain - I will rule the world someday!"
Brian threw out the last of his martini. "I'm just worried about Lois - she's going to be pissed when she sees her begonias smashed like that."
Meanwhile, at Tazewell Air Force Base, a man in an expensive suit named Peterson was brought in for a meeting with the colonel. As soon as he arrived, he was shown two videotapes. In the first tape, the green rocket ship suddenly vanishes before the pilots' eyes in the night skies. In the second one, shot by the pilot's rear seat operator, a one-eyed woman could clearly be seen piloting the rocketship. Peterson showed a visible reaction.
"You saw the one-eyed woman," the colonel said, "I wasn't just imagining that. I had to watch it again just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating."
Peterson pulled out a small tablet device, and thumbed up two old photos; they were grainy, but the same ship and the same one-eyed woman were there. "Colonel, these two pictures were shot 66 years ago in Roswell, New Mexico. This woman attacked then president Harry S. Truman, and the group of aliens escaped Earth. There was also a robot involved that disappeared. The base personnel even performed an autopsy on a red alien with face tentacles - and the thing survived."
"Colonel, we have to find these people. And, none of what we've said here is to leave this room. I don't want to see this one-eyed woman kick anyone else's ass on this planet before I get a hold of her."
The next morning found the Planet Express crew having an impromptu conference out near the cloaked ship. Leela was visibly angry.
"This metal brain-wipe here nearly blew the whole thing last night; he needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. I'm sure that was the kid we're looking for."
"Well," the Professor said, "the important thing was that he didn't."
"Do you still want to go through with this?" asked Leela. "I don't know how well killing a young child sits with me, even if he does end up destroying our world..."
"Guys," Amy cautioned, "we've got company."
A red-headed woman and her chubby husband came over to speak with them; the woman brought a large plate full of cookies. Leela quickly pulled out a pair of dark sunglasses and put them on.
"Hi," said the red-head in a thick East Coast accent, "my name is Lois, and this is my husband Peter. We're the Griffins...we live in back of you guys. We're going to be neighbors."
"Neighbors?" asked Leela as she accepted the cookies. "You're the Griffins?"
"Oh, I just assumed that you moved into that rental house in back of us."
"Oh, uh...yeah. That's what we did...when we did what we did."
"Well," Fry said as he wrapped his arm around Leela's shoulder, "don't keep them waiting, honey...introduce everybody."
"Silly me...where are my manners. I'm Leela and this is my husband Philip..." Leela glanced over at a bottle of vodka Bender was holding. "Ivanov. Leela and Phil Ivanov. We're from New New...uh, New York. And this is Phil's father Saul, from the old country, and his pet robot Yevgeny. And this is our adopted daughter, Amy."
"My," Peter observed, "you guys sure didn't rob the cradle when you adopted."
"Peter," Lois poked his rib with her elbow.
Leela put her hand on Amy's shoulder. "We adopted late...it's becoming the rage. Just bypass high school and childhood and all that. She's a treasure."
Amy cheesed a phony grin. "Gee, thanks Mom...you guys are the greatest."
"Stewie was so excited to meet you last night...he hasn't stopped talking about you," Lois said. "You guys probably have moving to do. Just let us know if you need anything."
As the Griffins' walked back to their house, Bender got an annoyed look in his eyes. "Saul? Yevgeny? Have you lost your mutant mind?"
"What was I supposed to tell her, you lunkhead - that we're from the future here to kill her son?" She then looked at Fry's arm. "You can unhand me now."
"But Leela - we're supposed to be married. We must keep up appearances..."
Leela pried his arm off and Fry frowned.
"Hey Mom, can I go run around?" asked Amy. "I know I've been bad lately..."
"No," responded Leela. "Go to your room."
The Professor took an electronic tool out of his coat pocket.
"What's that?" asked Fry.
"You know...I never really thought about it. I guess you could call it a 'sonic screwdriver.' Anyway, I'm going to use it to break into that rental house; we can use it as a command base until we carry out our operation."
Leela turned to him. "And what exactly is our operation?"
He looked at her as if she were daft. "Why, kill the kid...of course."
Bender took a swig of vodka. "Well, what's the hold-up? I can go over and frag him right now."
"I've got to fix the cloaking device...we won't even get out of here alive without it. You guys might as well circulate around town until we get a bead on what's going on. It's Saturday morning...and the weather is nice. Oh, to be young again."
"And then we just come back after a day of shopping, and you kill a kid?" asked Leela with that mean look in her eye. "What if one of his descendants cures cancer or brings world peace?"
The Professor pulled out his computer to check it. "Nope - according to wiki every one of his descendants is nothing but a no-good despot. Every cotton-picking last one of them...rotten to the core. Complete wastes of human flesh."
Bender let out a harsh chuckle. "Don't think of him as a kid," he told her, "think of him as...a casualty. Just leave the dirty work to me."
It was Saturday, and the Planet Express crew did enjoy getting out and about in Quahog. Bender easily looted an ATM machine, and distributed cash to everyone. "Now, don't you meatbags spend your allowance in one place," he jokingly advised. "These funds were generously donated by some rich geezer named Carter Pewterschmidt...without his knowledge or consent. And I wouldn't worry about him - he had plenty enough left over."
Amy found one of her favorite hang-out spots from her century, the local Starbugs coffeehouse. She walked in with a smile on her face.
"This is just like back home," she told the barista, "except for the laser percolator. Look at this antique - I saw one of these in a museum once! They had these museum employees dressed in quaint old-timey outfits, kind of like...uh...you."
"This brew machine is brand new. Anyway, what'll ya have?"
"I'll take a Martian Latte...half caf, with green cream on top."
The teen blinked his eyes. "Did you just say a 'Martian Latte?' And what's green cream?"
"Oh, you don't have these in this century. I'll take one of those caramel lattes."
Again the teen blinked. "This century? I won't ask."
When he was done, she paid him and sat down. "No Martian Lattes," she mumbled as she stirred her latte. "What a primitive time."
"Where's home for you?" asked a teenage girl with glasses and a dark pink cap sitting in the next booth. "I don't think I've heard of a Martian Latte either."
"New New York," she said proudly.
"Oh, I forgot. You folks still call it New York. I live up near Little Neptune now."
The girl chuckled. "You're funny...that's the first time I've laughed in a while."
"You did seem a little down." She extended a hand. "My name is Amy."
"Meg Griffin here."
"Hey - you must be one of the new neighbors..." Amy sat in the booth with her. "Now, kid - tell me what's got you down."
As Leela walked down the busy street, she heard someone toot a car horn behind her. She turned to find Lois Griffin rolling down her window. "Hi...I'm headed over to House Depot - do you need anything for the new home?"
Leela went over to talk with her, being careful not to get too close with her eye. "I could use some lunch more than anything else."
"Well, hop in and we can grab something to eat."
As she pulled into traffic, Lois got angry at another driver. "Schmuck," she said, "I wish people would use their directionals."
"Oh, I forgot - you're from out of town. That's what we call turn signals here down in Rhode Island. Hey, I know this great place we can grab a fish sandwich."
Leela adjusted her sunglasses with her thumb. "Sounds great."
Fry and Bender decided to walk into the Drunken Clam bar. Peter Griffin spotted them as soon as they walked in.
"Hey, neighbor, come on over and join us." He instructed the waitress to bring two beers over. "Guys, these are our new Russian neighbors - the Ivanovs."
"So what brings you guys to town?" asked Cleveland innocently.
Bender lit up a cigar. "Family business...we're here to whack somebody."
"Bender," Fry said angrily. "He's pulling your leg, guys."
"Oh, so you're Russian gangsters?" asked officer Joe Swanson jokingly.
"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Bender puffed on his stogie.
Peter and his friends broke out into laughter. "You guys are alright," Peter announced. He flagged the waitress over. "We're gonna need more beer over here."
"Really," Bender reiterated, "I will kill you."
All this did was to make the guys laugh even harder.
Professor Farnsworth tinkered all morning with a circuit for his cloaking device until he finally waved his hand in disgust. "Piece of junk," he said, "it's not going to get fixed anytime soon." He decided to pull out his handheld computer and start digging through any history records he could find; he'd brought most of what he had with him.
"That little twerp must have done something in this time period," he told himself. "What did he do? And how did he do it?"
Peterson walked into a room filled with computer screens. He was tired, and walked up to a young nerd with thick glasses. "Johnnie, this had better be good; I'm only operating on three hours sleep."
Johnnie the nerd could hardly contain his enthusiasm as he tapped on a keyboard. "This is where face recognition really pays off, sir. Look up at this image."
Peterson looked at the screen. "Who's this? What am I looking for? The woman getting into the car?"
"I think this is your mystery woman...you even told me that she has purple hair."
"Who...the gal in the sunglasses? She could be anyone...lots of people have purple dyed hair."
"Ah, but I told the program I was looking for a human with one large eye." He tapped some keys, and a computer graphic appeared over the photograph of the woman. "Her facial structure matches that of someone with a singular cycloptic eye. I couldn't get it to work until I reconfigured the software to look for someone badly deformed in an auto accident. That helped, but not much."
"Get to the point kid - I'm starting to fall asleep here."
"I then fed it a picture from the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual; see, it pays to be a geek. Once I did, the computer nailed this image within minutes."
The man's jaw dropped. "Jesus, Joseph and Mary. Where is this?"
Right in the heart of Quahog, Rhode Island...consistent with your unidentified aircraft headed toward the east coast. She's even wearing the same white t-shirt, pants and boots as your Jane Doe. Is she part of a terror cell? Why would they do a radical surgery to her like that?"
"Here - just upload that to my tablet while I make a phone call - I'm going to need all of her movements followed." He dialed his cell phone. "Hey...I just found Terror Subject Number One...we need to make a swift pick-up before she comes to the D. C. area."
"She's going after the president?" asked Johnnie.
He picked up his tablet. "Son, what you see here, say here and hear here, stays here."
Leela and Lois settled into a nice little restaurant called The Line House where they each got a bowl of New England clam chowder and a Red Hook beer. All around them were conversations thick with east coast accents.
"This is really good clam chowder," Leela noted.
"We make it good down here. You probably have some great seafood up in New York."
"Depends on which sea on which planet."
Lois chucked. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but you've worn those sunglasses the whole time I've been with you."
"Oh, uh...I've got an eye infection - they're very sensitive to light."
"That must be terrible..."
"Oh, it doesn't keep me down - I'm still able to do my job."
"What do you do, if you don't mind me prying..."
"I work for a delivery company."
Lois was fascinated. "Where do you deliver to?"
Leela paused..."Very far away...really far away. Some places you've probably never heard of..."
"You look like a gal that could drive a truck," Lois said with a smile.
"So, Bender...you mentioned something about porn," Quagmire asked, "what are you into? I know this place down the street called Dante's Inferno Books and Films."
Fry just sighed and buried his head in his hands.
"I've got another kind of porn that you've never heard of swabee," said the robot.
"Now Bender, I've seen Asian porn, Native-American porn, African-American porn, Pakistani Porn, Russian slave-chick porn, Jewish-American Princess porn...what could you possibly show me that I haven't seen already?"
Bender flicked the ashes of his cigar and opened his chest door. An image began to flicker on the inside of the door from a projector in his chest. "How about robot porn?"
"Oh my," Quagmire said as he watched the images of writhing robots in passion. “Giggity, giggity…”
Fry shook his head. "Crap...I can't take him anywhere...can't leave him anywhere either."
"Quagmire's just that way," Cleveland advised Fry. "I guess your friend's off into that sort of stuff too."
"What are you trying to do now?" asked Brian the dog. "What is that?"
"It's a model rocket. And these fingernail clippings should provide enough DNA material for a malevolent alien race to make a copy of me."
"Stewie, what makes you think anyone would want a copy of you, much less the original. Why can't you just be like other kids your age?"
By now it was afternoon. Leela had been dropped back off at the rental house, and was still tired. There was no furniture in the house save for a dilapidated couch, so she decided to take a nap. A knock at the door soon woke her up. She quickly covered her eye up, as she'd forgotten to put her sunglasses back on. "Lois?" she asked. "What's wrong?"
"Wrong? Nothing is wrong. I just stopped by to thank you."
"I don't know what your daughter said to Meg, but she's like a different person. She's been down in the dumps for quite some time. I just talked with her on the phone, and she's having a blast running around with Amy."
"Amy? Well, she's been all over the ga...I mean, all over the world. Hopefully she won't pick up some of Amy's bad habits. By the way, have you seen Fry or the guys?"
"Not lately...I think they're still in town with my husband and his friends."
"That's not just an axe," officer Joe Swanson told Bender, "that's a fire axe. You can take down an old sturdy oak with that one. You got a tree in your yard you need to cut down? Why not use my old chainsaw?"
Bender looked up from the axe. "Chainsaw you say...naw, I'll stick with the Paul Bunyan special here. It's tough...sturdy...sharp." He looked over at the hardware store owner as he gave it a mock swing. "It's even in my color - wood, silver and red. I'll take it."
"You're ready to start chopping wood now," said Joe as he brought his wheelchair over.
"He he...the little sapling won't know what hit him."
"I would like to do some shopping," Meg told Amy as they walked down the street. "I've got nothing else to do today. We could kill some time at Wong's Department Store."
"Did you say Wong's?"
"Yeah...do you know them?"
"You could say that we're might be related."
Philip Fry got a disappointed look on his face, and handed the cell phone back to Peter.
"Your family wasn't there, were they?"
"Nope. I'll just catch them at another time. I appreciate being able to use your phone."
"Not a problem kid. You know, it reminds me of the time that Sean Connery borrowed my phone..."
The two looked around in silence.
"...Was something supposed to happen?" asked Fry.
"Wait a minute kid; let me try it again. It reminds me of the time that Sean Connery borrowed my phone."
Within seconds, an elderly Sean Connery in a suit jacket walked up to Peter. "Give me the phone, you manky bastard," he barked in his familiar Scottish brogue. Peter surrendered the phone, and the actor walked off.
A stunned Fry looked on. "Oh my God - that was Sean Connery! How did you do that?"
Peter Griffin twiddled his fingers and smiled with pride. "That, my boy, was a cutaway."
"How are we going to pay for all this stuff?" asked a concerned Meg.
Amy cheesed her infectious grin. "I'm a spoiled rich girl, remember? You're money is no good here."
"What?" Amy looked over at two wealthy teenagers who were laughing at Meg.
"It's the Applegate sisters; they make my life a hell in school."
"You've got problems with them? I'll handle this." Amy began speaking with the chief saleswoman in Chinese. At first the woman was all smiles with Amy, and then started giving the two sisters mean glances. The sisters quickly became aware that they were the subject of the conversation, as Amy kept pointing at them. The Chinese matron glanced at the girls with a mean look.
After paying for the purchase, Amy glared at the sisters with an evil grin. "She's got friends, you know...she may not have your money, but she's got friends...in high places. Ta ta."
Meg covered her face with her hand. "I can't believe you just did that."
"That's the way we do it Little Neptune style."
"You are not going to launch that model rocket," the dog cautioned, "you'll burn your hands off, and I'll be held responsible. Mad scientist or not, you're still a child."
Stewie gave Brian an angry look. "I resent that...I will continue my experiments, with or without you." Stewie put the last panel on the large rocket with a smile. "Werner von Braun would have been proud. We launch tonight."
"Eureka! I've found it!" The Professor held up his computer with pride. "This is the event that starts the whole thing."
"What did you find, Professor?" Leela asked.
"An Omicronian battle frigate will make a pass by Earth at 2030 hours tonight. Our little Stewie will launch a rocket filled with his own genetic material, which the Omicronians will capture and use to clone a human copy with. It will take them quite a while, as they're clumsy oafs, but when they do it will become the conqueror that we're dealing with back home. The project was actually forgotten about for many years."
Leela looked at him incredulously. "Where did you dredge all this stuff up?"
He smiled and held up the computer. "Why, Wiki-leaks...of course!"
"This is good news, Professor...we don't have to kill Stewie after all - just prevent the launch tonight."
"Oh, you young kids and your sympathetic nonsense....always going on about 'save the whales' and 'save the Martian flying scorpions'...hogwash. I don't miss those flying scorpions anyway - they used to poop on my car. What if the cavemen had lobbied to save the T-rex? We wouldn't be here! I say just let Bender do his work and let it be done with."
Leela gave him a look of fury.
"I can tell by that evil look in your eye that you're going to stop it anyway..."
Amy came back in. "Hey, guys...the Griffins are inviting us over for dinner."
Leela pointed an angry finger at the Professor. "Don't you dare carry out your little 'mission,' you monster."
Lois opened the door to let her guests come in. "Hi...good to see you all here...where's your robot friend?"
"Oh, around I'm sure," said Leela as she gave Farnsworth a mean stare. He shrugged his shoulders, and then glanced at his watch.
"I made chicken cacciatore for you guys..."
"Smells delicious," Amy remarked.
As the dinner progressed, a happy Meg went on and on about her adventures with Amy that day.
"It looks like you've made a new friend," Lois commented to her daughter.
"I'm glad she'll have at least one," remarked Chris. Meg playfully punched him in the arm, and both of them chuckled.
Everyone suddenly became aware of a commotion upstairs. Lois got up in a panic. "Oh, my baby..." She ran upstairs, and everyone followed.
Lois and the others found a crazed-looking Bender chasing after Stewie with an axe.
"Here's Johnnie," the robot said, "come back here, you little rat!"
Brian tried in vain to grab the robot's arm, but couldn't restrain him.
Lois grabbed a baseball bat from Chris' room and bravely began swinging it at Bender. "Get away from my baby!"
"I'm not gonna hurt you," Bender told her. "Quit swinging the bat, Lois...darling, light of my life..."
In the midst of this struggle, Leela was able to trip Bender's deactivation switch; his metal body went limp, and Leela took the axe from him. Everyone took a minute to catch their breath.
Lois finally lowered the bat. "Will somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Why was this thing trying to kill my son?"
"We have a confession to make," Leela told her as she laid the axe against the wall. "We're not who we say we are."
"Leela," the Professor interjected.
"You, shut up - you've done enough damage already."
"And just who are you people?" Lois pleaded. "And why are you trying to hurt Stewie?"
"We're not your new neighbors...we came back from the future to prevent your son from doing a really bad thing."
Lois looked mentally exhausted. "From the future? My son doing something bad? What are you talking about? Make some sense!"
She continued. "It's true...I don't drive a truck for a delivery company; I pilot a starship for one."
Lois suddenly became very agitated. "Bullshit! That's nonsense. All I know is that you're in my house trying to kill my child. Peter, call the police. And get Joe Swanson over here as well. You folks are going to jail for a long time. My father can make sure you stay there."
Fry thought quickly, and pointed to his eyes. "Leela, you'd better show her."
"Show me what?" Lois lashed out in anger.
"I know you don't believe me, but I'm a mutant from the future."
Again, a pained look of exhaustion. "Mutant? Peter, call the police - these people are crazy. Leela, I trusted you! I trusted you with my children!"
Leela sighed, and took off her sunglasses. "This is the truth, Lois." She moved her eyeball around on that large eye of hers.
Lois suddenly looked faint. "Oh, God...oh, my..."
Peter came in for a closer look. "Boy, you look freaky...that purple hair is just weird looking...even if the teenagers do go for that stuff."
Leela continued. "Your son was going to make contact with a passing starship with that toy rocket of his - that one event will bring an end to our world. Hopefully we've already prevented that tonight. We'll just go now...I'm sorry for the pain we've brought you."
Chris Griffin began shouting outside, and everyone ran out on the front lawn to see what was going on. "It's a space ship!" he yelled. "It's pretty - it's got lots of lights. It looks just like a floating Christmas tree!"
Lois' jaw dropped, and she looked over at Leela. "Passing starship?" she asked.
"Passing starship...everything I've just told you was true."
As the brightly-lit ship disappeared into the night, Stewie began throwing a fit. "Damn you...damn you all! There goes my plan for world domination - are you happy?" The baby held up a tightly-clenched fist at everyone. "I will be avenged! I will pour out my wrath on each and every one of you!"
Lois walked over and grabbed Stewie's hand. "Come here, little man...you're going for a time out. You've caused enough trouble for one night."
Stewie waved his finger at Leela. "Cyclops woman, this is all your fault. Sleep with one eye open, my friend - I will have my revenge on you."
"She's only got one eye, you idiot," said Brian.
Peter looked at a loss for words. "Does this mean we aren't having dessert?"
Brian lit a cigarette. "No, but I'm making martinis...the drinks are on me."
The next morning the Planet Express Crew watched Professor Farnsworth being interviewed on an old TV set they'd found in the basement.
"So, you're trying to tell us that this was a natural phenomenon, Professor?"
"Exactly, Miss Takanawa...merely a large phosphorous gas explosion from the swamps here...nothing to get alarmed about."
"I thought that was some good damage control," Farnsworth said with a smile. He looked over at Leela. "Why are you still such a Gloomy Gus?"
"We hurt some really nice people in the process. Well, I'm going to the ship - it won't pre-flight itself, you know." The Professor collected his things and headed for the ship.
As Leela walked around the ship, she called up to Amy inside on her small microphone. "Move the ailerons," she told her. "Flight controls free and clear - check. Battery switches on, electrical systems on." She looked up to see Lois Griffin walking over as the gyros began to make a loud whirring noise.
Lois looked up at the ship in wonder. "It's a big green thing, isn't it?"
"Yeah...I'm sorry we smashed your garden on the way down..."
"Oh, don't worry about that."
"Listen...I am so sorry about..."
Lois stopped her. "It's okay. Stewie is still quite upset, but he'll get over it. He can launch his rocket on another night." She offered a plastic container to Leela. "I didn't want you to go back into space without some more clam chowder - you might get hungry. Besides, I didn't want you to forget about us in New England."
Leela smiled. "Thanks."
"You did a very nice thing for my daughter, and I haven't forgotten that. You guys have a good trip into space - and wear a jacket out there so you don't take a cold."
The two shook hands, and Lois went back inside.
Upstairs, a baby was adjusting the aim on a small laser rifle as he pointed it out of his window. "I know this is a million-to-one shot from this range, but I warned you Cyclops woman; this will be the last time you interfere with Stewart Griffin."
Leela walked out ahead of the ship where Amy could see her; she moved her finger around once in a circular motion, and Amy started up the engine. Leela then stooped down to look at some liquid on the grass that was dripping from the ship. She curled up her face. "Darn it, we're still leaking coolant...thought I'd fixed that."
"You had that problem the last time you were here; you've had 66 years to fix it..."
Leela turned to see a man in a suit holding a semi-auto pistol at her. "Who the hell are you?"
"My name is Peterson; who I am is of no importance to you. I don't know who you are, or how you got to be so deformed, but your little operation is over - you're coming with me."
"Operation? What are you talking about?"
She tried to use her wrist-thingee, but he spotted her. "Nuh-uh, Miss Thing - get your hand away from that. I happen to know that you were here in July of 1947, and that you attacked the President of the United States. I don't know how, but you were. And now you've come back to the Eastern Seaboard to finish what you've started. I'm not going to let that happen."
An annoyed Stewie grumbled as he pointed his laser rifle out of his bedroom window. "Get out of the way, you bald-headed idiot - the cyclops is mine...mine I tell you!"
He suddenly looked up at an angry Lois. "Stewart Griffin...you are in time out. I told you no toys. I'll be taking this gun, and you can have it back at the end of the day."
Stewie looked like he could cry. "Woman, you can't do this to me!"
"Stewie, what are you looking at out there anyway?"
"I was there...in New Mexico. But I didn't mean to hurt your president. I just had to kick a few people out of the way - and he was in the way. We just wanted to go home."
Peterson admired the ship. "This is quite a vehicle; you can come in nice and quiet, kill the president, throw our nation into chaos...I know some tech boys that'll enjoy taking this apart."
Bender clumsily came down the steps of the gangway. "Hey Big Boots...Fry's got his head stuck in the food locker again - he was trying to get the strawberries. He had a duplicate key - I always knew he had one. Oh, I can see you have company."
"Bender - get back on the ship...this man and I have something to discuss."
He looked up. "The robot; the one who disappeared in '47." Peterson pointed the pistol back toward Leela. "I'm losing my patience - who are you people and what is your mission?"
"Who we are is none of your business - we just want to get back home. Please...just put the gun down..."
"Where in the damn hell is home?!"
There was a bright flash of light, and Peterson dropped to the ground on his back like a felled tree.
"Is he dead?" asked Bender.
Leela walked over and touched his neck. "No...just stunned. He's gonna wake up with a whale of a headache." She took the pistol out of his hand, removed the clip and emptied the chamber. She then placed the gun back in its holster. "That was nice shooting, Bender."
"I didn't do anything...you can thank Annie Oakley over there."
Leela turned. "Lois?"
Lois walked across the yard. "I couldn't let him hurt you...now get out of here and have a nice trip. And enjoy your chowder."
Leela nodded her head, and jogged back up the ramp with Bender. "Amy, let's do a quick start and get out of here double-fast."
Lois watched the ship rise up into the air as it retracted its gangway, and then vanish. She could still hear the engine, but the ship was nowhere to be seen. Then, silence. She looked at the little toy rifle. "That stun setting really worked," she said with an amused smirk on her face. "What a clever little boy I have. Now I'm a space ranger." She then blew on the end of the rifle. "Yippie ki-yay..."
Upstairs stood a boy shaking his fists in rage as he watched out the window. "You haven't heard the last of me - I will have my revenge! Cyclops, I will get you!!"