Fan Fiction

A Day At The Zoo II: Leela Unleashed
By Gulliver63

Where can you run to
What more can you do
No more tomorrow
Life is killing you
Dreams turn to nightmares
Heaven turns to hell
Burned out confusion
Nothing more to tell l
yrics of Black Sabbath/Sabbath Bloody Sabbath

It’s been 3 months, 16 days and about 7 hours since Amy, Fry and I were taken into captivity on Vargos VIII. We came here to drop off some animals for a zoo that an eccentric tycoon was building; before it was over, the three of us ended up being the zoo animals. What was worse was that the aliens could “make use” of us in their mind illusions anytime they wanted. I write this on my wrist thingee because there’s not much to do when the aliens aren’t using us for their own enjoyment. The Vargosians haven’t seen my journal writing as any kind of threat, so I just continue to do it. At first we tried fighting the Vargosians, but they quickly gained control of our minds. How can you possibly fight something that controls everything you see, feel, hear, taste and smell? Before long we were forced to accept our fate like so many of the other species in the zoo. At first the illusions weren’t that bad, mainly corny adventure stories, but lately a sleazier alien clientele has been brought in to make use of us. The Vargosians didn’t care what really happened to us, just as long as the money kept rolling in. And roll in it did.

I sit here writing on our “down time,” as the aliens call it; we quickly learned to adjust to their planetary cycle, thus preventing them from interrupting our sleep to start a fantasy session. Believe me, it was scary waking up in the middle of the night to find ourselves in a lion’s den or something worse. During our down time, we were allowed to live out any fantasy we liked…we usually stayed away from anything having to do with New New York, as we would get too homesick from it. We typically settled for a café in Paris, filled with smoke, red wine and conversation. We were always saddled with a minder, who would often show up as a German army officer in the illusion. He would usually pester the head waiter, complaining about how the wine had turned bad or something. So even in our time amongst ourselves, we were still being monitored. It still gave us a little hope, though, planning and plotting our escape, although we knew that such an escape was impossible. And it went on and on this way, until we ran across a little Vargosian girl named Dath.

It was a morning like any other, as the chime went off inside the cage. Leela stood up and walked over to the plastiglass wall and found a little alien girl looking up at her. She looked down with a sigh. “Aren’t you a little young for this?” she asked. “I know you aren’t into the creepy stuff; what would you like…Leela the genie, who can make all your wishes come true?”

The little girl looked up with that strange eye of theirs. “Miss Leela,” she said, “my name is Dath.”

“Hello, Dath, what can I do for you?”

“Miss Leela, can you sing me a song?”

Leela had to stifle a chuckle. “A song? I have somewhat of a singing voice, but I don’t know if you’d like my music.”

“Could you please? It was an opera song my mother used to sing for me.”

“Oh, opera…I don’t know if I can help you there…”

With a wave of the girl’s hand, Leela found herself in a beautiful dress standing in a luxurious opera house in the Altair system. A happy audience clapped for her, and then got quiet. Oh, God…what have I gotten myself into? “Sweetie,” Leela said, “I might be able to croak out a tune from the Rolling Stones, but I don’t know any of your music…”

Dath waved her hand again and smiled. “You do now…”

With this, the orchestra began to play and Leela launched into song; she knew all the words to the aria as if she had studied them for years. Her voice was beautiful and powerful, showing off the talent of the composer in all of his glory. Amy and Fry, dressed in expensive clothing, sat off of the back of the stage and listened on in amazement. As it was a short piece of music, all too soon it was over. After a standing ovation, the three Earth people again found themselves back in the glass cage in their normal clothes. Leela looked down at the girl, who’s eye was now wet with tear. “Thank you, Miss Leela,” she said.

“You said thank you,” she knelt down to speak with the girl. “You actually said please and thank you. Dath, I will sing for you anytime you want, if it means that much to you. I think that you and I can be friends.”

“I would like that, Miss Leela.”

What seemed like a little ray of sunshine in their lives was now interrupted by the appearance of Calanfraxis. “I see you’ve met Dath here…run along, sweetie, run along.” The girl obediently left them behind with a wave. “Sad little thing…lost her mother not long ago. She wasn’t bothering you, was she?”

“Not at all,” said Leela. “All she wanted was a song, and she was very polite about it. That’s a change of pace from your usual sex-addict clients. I get a little sick of ‘Leela the Dragon Lady’, ‘Leela the Centaur…’”

“Well, yes, but those kind of clients pay money for your services. I don’t run a charity here. I have a businessman from Akedo arriving soon, so look sharp on your game.”

“Is he going to make me do the giantess thing? I get a little tired of tearing down buildings, roaring, and getting shot with lasers that have no effect on me.”

“Leela,” he said with a stern look, “I don’t want to hear back talk; the client will be here soon.” With that he shuffled off toward the landing tarmac.

I could get a little cheeky with Cal, but I knew where my limits were…I knew not to mess with him on his bad days, as he could be very vengeful. The Vargosians learned early on from scanning our minds what frightened us…Amy, like Winston Smith of George Orwell’s 1984, was terrified of rats. Every time she would get out line, that mean Cal would unleash hundreds of rats. Even though they were part of an illusion, Amy would be left shaking and crying when it was done. She learned very quickly to be obedient. Fry was always scared to death of drowning, which went back to an experience he had swimming as a child; every time he would screw up, here would come the water up to his neck. Me? I hate nanopedes. God, I hate them! Ever since the Professor made us deliver a package to the caves of Bogomoth III, I’ve hated them. Thousands and thousands of legs…and a very painful scorpion-like stinger. Yeah, Calanfraxis got my number early on, and I found out that it was best not to cross him.

Another day, another client. Instead of the usual medieval castle with the torches, Leela recognized this setting as the blasted out remains of the Museum of Art in New New York. Earth was the only race that the Akedans could never conquer…Leela peeked out a window to see the ruins of what was once the city where she lived – even as an illusion, it made her heart sink. She could even make out the shattered remains of what was once the Statue of Liberty, blasted with holes from a maser weapon. The Akedans were one of the races that Zapp Brannigan’s forces had defeated, so it was a special prize to have human slaves waiting on them. Along with this went rude comments, none of which were understandable to a human. And these guys were really ugly…green with long tentacles. Each one had several mouths and nasty long tongues. The group had just come in from a successful battle in the wilds of Earth, and sat at the wooden tables like mighty conquerors. As Leela and her friends went about their typical chore of serving wine and ale, one of the creatures took a liking to Amy. Before she could protest, a green tentacle grabbed her arm and reeled her in. She struggled, and cursed the creature in Cantonese. She then was licked by one of those tongues as the alien spoke to her in a guttural croaking noise. Leela had seen enough. She marched over to the two. “I don’t speak that crap that you’re talking, but she doesn’t want this. What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?” Leela then threw a goblet of wine into the alien’s face, and he released Amy. After an afternoon of pursuing humans in a fantasy battlefield, the creature was in no mood to be trifled with by an Earth woman. He responded to her offense by driving a pike straight into her abdomen. Groaning in pain, Leela slumped to the ground. She shook as she watched her blood flow from her body. She grew weak as the pain shot through her torso. Amy screamed. The aliens stomped out of the museum.

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re running my business off!”

The museum and its paintings melted away, and the three suddenly found themselves in that cave at Bogomoth III that they had learned to dread. “Leela,” Cal said in a stern voice, “I warned you when you first arrived that there would be consequences for bad behavior. Today I’ve lost a ton of money from these customers because of you – that Akedan will probably demand a refund.”

Leela at first was afraid to look down, convinced that her chest had been split in two. When she did, she saw her familiar white t-shirt with no blood on it. Unconvinced, she pulled up her shirt to see a healthy belly without even a scratch. “It still hurts,” she said.

“Oh, the illusion works on the pain centers of the brain. It’ll still hurt like that for a while. It’s only a severe fright that interferes with your heart rhythm that can kill you.”

“What could be worse than this,” Leela mumbled. “You people can just kill us over and over, and we’ll never die…”

Amy knelt down to talk with Leela, a tear rolling down her cheek. “I’m sorry about this.”

Leela grabbed her arm. “I’d do it again, kiddo. And again.”

“Leela,” Cal said like a tough father-figure, “you know punishment is on the way.”

“Go to hell, creep!” growled Leela. “I’ve already been killed today…that’s not enough?” Leela weakly stood up. “One of these days I’m going to stab you in the heart, and it won’t be an illusion!”

“Be that as it may…” said Cal.

Calanfraxis stood back as the nanopedes and rats came. Hundreds of them. Legions of them. They ran up the walls and fell from the ceiling. The two women screamed. Fry cringed in a ball and covered his ears as they kept coming and coming…

In spite of the horrible afternoon, Cal let the three Planet Express employees sleep. Perhaps he figured that the punishment would work, and that any form of rebellion had been taken care of. On top of that, he needed them in peak shape for their next performance. As they slept in the cage, he didn’t even bother to assign them a minder – they were in a glass cage, and not going anywhere. As Cal busied himself back at the main house with his business cronies, Dath snuck up to the cages. She peered in and tapped on the glass. “Miss Leela?”

Leela opened her eye. “Dath?” she whispered. “What are you doing here at this hour?”

“I’m sorry to wake you, but I just had to come. I heard Calanfraxis talking with the big people…I think he wants to hurt you. I don’t want that to happen.”

Leela lowered her head. “Honey, I don’t know what we can do about that. I pretty much cooked my own goose today.”

Dath raised her hand and put it on the glass. “Can I look deeply into your mind?”

“Why…I guess…”

Dath smiled. “Your mind isn’t like your two human friends, is it?”

“Well, I am a mutant…a little different from them. Why”

Dath’s smile widened. “Miss Leela, I’ve got a little gift for you. You must not tell the grown-ups, or they’ll be very mad at me.”

“You don’t need to…”

“Put your forehead against the glass.”

Leela obeyed. As she did, a bright flash of light and a static discharge sent her flying backwards. Amy and Fry now woke up and looked around. “Dath,” she asked, “what did you just do to me?”

Dath smiled with pride. “Not many of us can do this…I adjusted the frequency of your brain to ours like a…like a…radio? I think that’s the word. Radio…”

“But honey, what if he tries to hurt me?”

“Leela, things are going to be very different for you and your friends from now on. My mother always told me to be kind to animals. I’ve seen what they do to you, and I don’t like it. But this is our secret, Miss Leela.”

Leela pressed the palm of her hand on the glass. “Dath…you’ve got to get us out of here…there’s got to be a key…”

Dath grinned and pointed a finger up to the side of her head. “The key, Miss Leela, is up here…you have everything you need up here.” With that, she quietly slipped out into the night. Leela then spotted that ubiquitous ball of light following her.

“It’s still so hot in here,” remarked Fry, “I wish I had a Slurm.” Fry looked down in amazement to see a can sitting there. He looked at Leela in surprise and said, “Did you just do that?” All she did was to flash a toothy grin.

“How about two more…we can have a toast,” Amy said with a smile.

“We’re going to have some fun with Elephant Man tomorrow,” Leela added. The three toasted their Slurm cans.

Another day dawned as the Vargosian suns lit up the ugly cloudy green skies of that God-forsaken planet. More alien clients. Another ancient palace with torches burning. Cal the slave master looked Leela in the eye. “Are we ready for today’s session?”

“Oh, yes sir, we are,” said Leela in a chipper tone.

“You’ve pretty much got that rebellious streak out of your system, I take it?”

“Oh yeah…I’ve learned my lesson. I just hope I never see another nanopede as long as I live…or get disemboweled, for that matter.”

“That’s good to hear, Leela…if things go the way they’re going now, this could be a very lucrative business venture indeed.”

“Cal,” said Leela, “I must say that you’ve been more than fair with us, giving us the opportunity to see the error of our ways. We appreciate it…” This drew strange looks from Amy and Fry.

Cal then shot her a funny look. Maybe Leela knew that she was skating on thin ice. She had no way of knowing that he had discussed “putting her down” with some of his business partners…now, maybe he wouldn’t have to. “Glad to hear it, Leela…now, let’s get this session started. Places everyone, places!

Fry and Amy stood there in the typical slave outfits that they had come to know over the past three months. They looked in shock over at Leela, who got a little more than just an outfit. She was now a naga, a human female with an abdomen of a huge snake. She looked in horror over at Cal, who had a smile on his face. “Cal, you’ve got to be kidding me…”

“Why? You look good! Besides, this is what the client asked for. All you’ll probably have to do is dance around a bit anyway. Move around…try it out…”

Leela started moving her body from left to right, and found it quite easy to “slither” around. Then, just out of curiosity, she tried sidewinding across the banquet floor, and found that to be easy as well. In spite of her body being nearly 15 feet long and a good 3 feet wide, she had no problem getting around. “Leela,” Cal cried out with pride, “you’re a natural!”

“Hot damn, look at me…I’ve got some moves!” Leela tried out some dance maneuvers in her new body, and found them easy to do. Humans genuinely disgusted Calanfraxis, but he almost found her attractive in a way. The clients arrived, the music started, and Fry and Amy served goblets of wine while Leela danced away. In a move that surprised Cal, Leela began to beckon an alien customer to dance with her. He found her very attractive, and quickly joined her side. Fry and Amy were confused by what she was doing, but continued their duties as house slaves. While the alien was distracted in the swaying motion of the dance, Leela’s tail made its way up his back and began gently wrapping around the alien’s neck; before he realized what was going on, Leela began to constrict. Helplessly, the alien began flailing his arms about, unable to speak or breath. By the time the illusion was stopped, the alien had nearly been suffocated. Leela and the other two waited in the cage until Calanfraxis returned. When he did, he was in a rage.

“I’m not going to punish these other two,” Cal said angrily, “you did this on your own. You played me!”

“Oh,” replied a defiant Leela, “then I actually injured the alien…”

This caught Cal off guard. “No….no, but I was mighty embarrassed. I lost a chunk of money today…”

“Bull! I hurt him, didn’t I?”

“It’s time for your punishment, Leela…”

Leela made a beckoning motion with her fingers. “Bring it,” she said.

The castle walls again melted away to that terrible moldy cave on Bogomoth III. Amy and Fry cringed along the cave walls, waiting for a hoard of creepy crawlies to come at them. Cal waved his hand, and nothing came. He waved his hand again, and eventually a sand fly came buzzing by. Cal looked on in amazement as the creature looped several times and then flew back into the cave. He then cast a look of horror at Leela, who gave him back a wicked grin. “Is that the best you can do? A sand fly?” she said sarcastically. “I have your number pal, and I’m going to cash you in! How do you like me now?” Leela looked around at her surroundings. “And I hate this stinking cave; I hated it when I had to make that delivery here years ago. Let’s change the scene a bit.” As Leela waved her hand, the cave walls disappeared and the four found themselves on a sunny beachfront. “Ah, this is more like it…I always loved Ft. Myers Beach because of the warm Gulf Coast waters.” She looked back at a stunned Cal, standing there on the sand. “And you, how about a new look for you?” Again, she waved her hand and his fancy native clothing was replaced by a three-legged pair of underwear with huge red polka dots. “Ah, there…much better. Now, get lost before I have you run naked up and down the beach.” Angry and embarrassed, Cal trotted away down the beach and out of sight. He jogged quickly, as Leela made the sand hot under his feet. Leela looked at her two friends and smiled.

“What do we do now, Leela?” asked Amy.

“I don’t know about you two, but I’m going to enjoy the beach for a while.” After all that they had been through, it was nice to build a sand castle and then bury Fry in heaps of wet sand.

“You know that he’s going to come after you now,” said a concerned Fry.

“I know…” Leela piled more sand onto Fry’s body as he just smiled.

A nervous Cal stood at the conference table with his work associates as a major shareholder mercilessly chewed him out. “It has come to my attention that your operation isn’t running as smoothly as we had hoped,” growled the shareholder.

“We’ve had some problems recently,” replied Calanfraxis, “but we’re working them out.”

“Some problems? It’s come to my attention that one of your zoo animals nearly choked a client to death…”

“Sir… ‘choked’ is such an ugly word. I don’t know if I’d say he was choked…”

“I’ve also been told that he is thinking of legal action. Are you getting the big picture here? What’s being done about this…and what the hell happened?”

Cal cleared his throat. “Well, we have this exhibit named Leela…she’s some sort of a mutant strain of human, and she has somehow learned to manipulate illusions the same way that we do…”

“What?!” The shareholder’s voice began to get irate. “You’d better take care of this situation before we pull our sponsorship from your little menagerie!” The conversation ended with a loud click.

A Vargosian named Lorfax shot Cal a worried look. “For crying out loud, Cal, why not just let those three go…we’ve got others…”

“But the two are the only humans in the collection,” he responded.

Cal pulled out a dark gray case and opened it up; inside was a large silver syringe. “Gentlemen, I was told a long time ago that ‘you gotta do what you gotta do.’”

“Are you telling me that you are going to inject her with that?” asked Lorfax.

“This needle is so precise that it will feel just like a bug bite…and death will come swiftly. She’ll never wake up.” He handed the box to an underling next to him. “Besides, it won’t be me – Kordak here will do it.” Kordak shot back a look of horror.

It was nighttime when the two went sneaking down to the cages. Cal stayed outside of the cage area, and sent his little henchman in to do the evil deed. He kept looking back, only to have Cal motion him onward. Kordak peeked that ugly eye into the cage, and saw that Leela and her friends were sound asleep. As quietly as he could, he opened the door to the cage with his key and snuck over to where Leela lay sleeping. Just the idea that the two humans would wake up the next morning to find their friend dead gave poor Kordak the shakes. He crouched down by Leela, and quietly pulled back her blanket with his head tentacle. There was that arm with the familiar computer attached to it. He readied his syringe and put it to the skin. He was puzzled because the surface of the skin was hard. He tapped the needle to her arm several times, and was unable to penetrate it. As he pulled up the arm, he was shocked that it came off of her body…it took a second to realize that he had tried to inject poison into a plastic mannequin. As he looked at it in shock, it melted away and disappeared. All three of the mannequins had vanished. He felt the empty blanket with his hand in utter disbelief. Kordak dropped the syringe in the cage as he went running back up to Cal.

“They’re gone! They’re gone!!” Kordak yelled.

“What are you babbling about, you idiot? What do you mean ‘they’re gone’?”

“Cal, I swear…they’re not in the cage! They’re not in there…”

A finger tapped Cal on the shoulder. “Looking for somebody?” said Leela in a quiet voice. Cal spun around to find the three zoo animals safely outside of the cage.

“Get back in that cage!” he said angrily.

“Why?” said Leela in defiance. “So we can play slaves to a bunch of creepy aliens? Are you nuts or something? Playtime is over…we’re going home.”

Amy then pushed Leela aside and stepped up to confront the ugly alien. She gave him an icy stare and slapped him hard across the face. “Si chou gou!!” she spat at him.

“Your right about that,” Fry added, “he is nothing but a dirty, smelly dog.” He then punched him hard in the gut. “What are you going to do now? Try to drown me? Throw some bugs at me?” Finally it was Leela’s turn to confront him. She held up her wrist thingee to his face, its screen filled with bright lettering.

“Do you see this?” she said. “It has an emergency location transmitter and a built-in com unit. And this is no illusion. We already put the call in. Look up into the sky, snout boy…”

No sooner had the words left Leela’s mouth before ships could be seen in the night sky. Calanfraxis looked around in panic as he could hear armed men coming up from the landing tarmac. A squad of heavily armed troopers made their way up to the cages; they were led by none other than Zapp Brannigan. “Leela,” he shouted, “you curvaceous creature …it’s good to see you! We came as soon as we got your signal.”

“Who in the hell is this?” bellowed Cal.

Zapp confronted Calanfraxis. “This, my little friend, happens to be my sometime lover Turanga Leela…if I find that you have hurt one purple hair on that pretty little head of hers, I will have your head mounted on the wall of my hunting lodge.” He squinted his eyes at Cal. “And a brutishly ugly one it is at that…”

Kordak looked at Cal and said, “Nothing is worth this…I quit!!” With that, he ran away.

As the soldiers kept pouring into the cage area, Cal raised his hand once more to use his illusionary powers. That glowing ball of light appeared yet again…it took station above Cal, who looked up at it. It began to speak in that childlike voice, but it was filled with wrath. “I know my mother wouldn’t want you to hurt those animals,” it said. “They may only be humans, but they are my friends!

A large bolt of electricity came out of it and struck him in the side of the head. Cal wobbled a bit on his three legs, and then regained his footing. His vision was blurry. He gave Zapp a mean look, and raised his arm back up. “I will attack you with my army of death troops!!” Nothing happened. Cal looked around, and repeated his threat louder. “I will attack you with my army of death troops!!” Again nothing happened.

“And?” said Zapp sarcastically. He turned to Leela. “Is this character dangerous?”

“I think he used to be…apparently not now.”

“Right…you aliens will cease and desist any alien activities forthwith and with all, upon orders of the Democratic Order of Planets. Ipso, facto, quid pro quo.”

“Zapp, just have your men open all the cages,” groaned Leela. He grinned and saluted her.

Calanfraxis watched helplessly as the soldiers freed all of the creatures held in the cages; he was essentially shoved aside by the troops as they carried out their orders. Dozens of the dazed “zoo animals” now wandered free for the first time in months. While Fry chatted with some of them, Amy and Kif were already snuggling each other.

“So, Leela,” asked Zapp, “does this mean that we have a dinner date tonight?”

“No, not really,” she said as she prepared to walk down to the PE ship. Zapp continued to bark orders to his men.

Calanfraxis walked away from the cage area, and back to a storage building. After unlocking the door with a key, he came out with a sinister-looking laser pistol. He was determined to make Leela pay for destroying his business empire. On the way back to the cage area, he ran across Dath. He was suddenly filled with rage. “You…you little monster,” he blustered, “you did this! I ought to blast you right here and…”

Before he could finish his sentence, he suddenly found himself in the lair of a gigantic droolac spider. “Dath?” he said as he spun around. “Dath? Where are you?” His race was terrified of these creatures to begin with, but the enormous strands of webbing covering the cave walls indicated a beast of gigantic size. His heart pounded with fright.

“Dath, this is quite an elaborate illusion you’ve created here,” he said with a fearful voice. He looked around, and could see no way out of the cave.

When the beast finally came down from a vertical shaft in the cave, he tried to run. He didn’t make it very far before he was caught in the strong strands of its sticky web. The spider, the size of a small car on Earth, pounced on its helpless victim. Cal was quickly and easily wrapped up for a later meal by the monstrous beast. The huge creature then retreated back into the depths of the cave. Cal was completely immobile. His eye darted around, looking for the child. “Dath? Okay, dear…we’ve had our little fun…Dath?” All he could hear was the echoing laughter of a vengeful child.

“They’re my friends,” said the echoing voice. Then, more laughter.


Leela noticed that Lorfax and some of Cal’s other business associates were coming up to speak with her.

“Leela! Can we have a word with you?” asked Lorfax.

“About what? Can’t I just go home?”

“Please…we still need your help.”

“I’ve been a prisoner here for over three months…why should I even think of helping you?”

“But it’s all true about the food processors…if we don’t get a lot of income quickly, our people will starve to death…”

Leela noticed that Dath had joined them. She looked down at the alien girl. “The rest of you, I don’t care about helping. This little one, however, I would help.” She thought at minute. “Why don’t you guys just turn this into some sort of an amusement park where people pay to live out their fantasies for a time?”

“Hey…that just might work.” said Lorfax.

She knelt down and put her hand on Dath’s shoulder. “I think this little person here should be the overseer of the new park.” Dath smiled.

“That’s great…but how do we get started on this project?”

Leela stood back up. “I think I already have your first customer lined up.” She turned her attention back to Dath. “Honey, I just have to ask you this, what is that little ball of light that I keep seeing around here?”

Dath smiled up at Leela. “That is my…oh, what’s the Earth term…it’s what your people might call an ‘imaginary friend.’”

“That’s a friend indeed, Dath…” Leela looked back at Lorfax. “Let me grab your first new customer…I’m sure he’ll agree to a session. Charge him big.”

“Leela,” Dath asked, “Could you do me a big favor? Could you sing my song one more time before you leave?”

Leela spread out her arms and smiled. “I’m ready,” she said. The orchestra hall suddenly appeared again, and Leela cut loose with that beautiful aria. The Vargosians that were standing there suddenly got choked up as she sang away…

“In an ancient palace reclined King Brannigan, ruler of the empire, in complete luxury at the end of his busy day; and, much like Conan before him, he was a man of great mirth and great melancholy. Kif, is the scribe getting all of this?”

“The scribe, sir?” asked Kif.

“You…you’re the scribe. You need to be writing all of this down.”

Kif sighed.

“Skippy…yeah, you…Elephant Boy…I need more champagin,” barked Zapp. Calanfraxis rolled his eye in disgust, and walked over to fill Zapp’s cup. He hated his new duties, but the small allowance he got for being a “house slave” at least kept him fed. He bitterly detested the slave outfit he was forced to wear, though. His old friends tormented him about it looking like a “Vargosian jock strap.” He would usually just give them an obscene hand gesture back in return.

Zapp ran his hand across the bed sheets as he took a gulp from a golden goblet. “You aliens are very clever. You’ve provided chilled champagin, horsey-dervies, a gaggle of slave women, and velour sheets. But yet…I still feel that something is missing.” Zapp called up to the two Vargosians standing in a balcony above him. “I can have anything I desire?”

“Oh, yes sir…anything you want…”

“Just by thinking of it?”

“Oh, yes sir, Mr. Brannigan…”

“That’s King Brannigan to you, knave…”

The alien rolled his eyeballs up in his eye. “Yes, forgive me, King Brannigan, I mean.”

Zapp looked over at one of the scantily-clad slave women. The image of her began to get fuzzy, and her appearance started to change. She grew taller by a few inches. The curly red hair that tumbled down across her shoulders and back became purple, and her two eyes merged into one large eye. She smiled and batted her new cycloptic eye at him. He beckoned her over, and her chains clinked as she trotted over.

The one alien looked on in horror at what happened next, his head tentacle whipping back and forth anxiously. “Those humans are so horrible looking when they breed…I can’t stand to watch!”

The other alien was busy counting a wad of Earth money. “Lorfax, for 8,000 Nixon Funbucks, they can kill and eat each other for all I care.”

That first evening home was a busy one, but very enjoyable nonetheless. After their terrible ordeal, Professor Farnsworth gave his three employees some vacation time off, and even paid for a nice dinner at the Venusian Bistro. After the dinner, everyone parted ways and Amy went back home with Kif. Leela and Fry decided to take a long overdue walk by New Central Park. As they held hands, a beautiful fireworks display lit up the evening sky. Fry squinted his eyes at Leela. “Did you do that?” he asked.

“I’m just as surprised as you are,” she responded. “Fry, I don’t have that power of illusion anymore…it’s already gone.” As the two melted together in a romantic embrace, Leela spotted a bright ball of light slowly zipping past; she waved to it, and it blinked brighter twice before moving on.

The moral of this tale is simple; if you have a pet, treat it nicely…take it for a walk…buy it a treat every once in a while. For you never know when you may end up on sale in that big pet shop that’s located…behind the Scary Door…