Futurama

Fan Fiction

Genesis According to Futurama
By Lilith

Total blackness. After a moment, words in fancy, golden letters beginscrolling up the screen, and the sonorous voice of the Narrator is heard.

NARRATOR
In the beginning there was darkness. And God said, "Let there be light!"


Two sharp claps. Then a pause. Then two more claps. Then some muttering.

GOD'S VOICE
Come on, come on... *work*, confound it!

Two more claps. Finally, a lamp comes on to reveal God, who looks remarkably like Professor Farnsworth, standing in his heavenly laboratory, which seems to be made primarily of clouds and gold.

NARRATOR'S VOICE
And there was light. Then on the first day, God created stuff and junk, and he pronounced it good. And on the second day, God created more stuff and junk, and he pronounced it good too.

We see God hard at work in his lab, sculpting a duck-billed platypus, under a sign on the wall that reads: "You don't have to be omnipotent to work here but... oh wait, yes you do."

NARRATOR'S VOICE
This went on for a few days, and it was all generally spiffy, and so on and so forth. Then God took the weekend off.

Cut to God snoring in a "La-Z-Deity" chair, in front of a golden TV. The TV is playing cheezy music, and a message on the screen reads "We apologize that TV doesn't exist yet. Please stand by."

NARRATOR'S VOICE
And on the eighth day, God created Leela. (beat) What, you didn't expect him to work on a Saturday, did you?

We see God in his laboratory again, sculpting Leela, who is, of course, completely naked, and almost finished except for her face. He goes over to his golden refrigerator and opens it up, revealing several containers with such labels as "hearts," "brains," "giblets," and "naughty bits," and takes
out what looks to be an egg carton, except with "1 doz. large grade A eyeballs - Fresh!" written on the side. He opens it up. There is only one
left.

GOD
Oh for My sake! I'm out of eyeballs again. Now I'll have to go out and get some more. (he looks down at himself) But I *am* already in my pyjamas...

He looks at the eyeball carton again. Then he shuffles over and fixes the last remaining eye on Leela.

GOD
Oh well, she looks good enough with just one.

He completes her lips and nose, and waves his hand over her face. Leela sneezes abruptly, and blinks a few times. God grins broadly, and takes a
handkerchief out of his pocket to wipe the sneeze-spatters off his glasses.

GOD
Greetings, life-form. Welcome to existence!

LEELA
Who... who am I?

GOD
You are my finest creation. I shall call you... Toronga.

LEELA
(making a face) *Toronga*?

GOD
Well what would you rather be called?

LEELA
How about... Leela?

GOD
(hopefully) Toronga Leela?

LEELA
(still making a face) Oh all right.

NARRATOR
So God took Leela down to the Garden of Eden, to name all the other animals. And he told her she may eat of the fruit of any tree, except the sweet, sweet apple tree, for that was the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And Leela said, "O-kay." And things continued to be generally spiffy.

We see Leela lying happily under the apple tree, with its single, shiny red apple, petting a lamb with one hand and a lion with the other.

NARRATOR
But then... things started to be slightly less spiffy, as Leela saw all other creatures in the Garden of Eden had mates, while she herself was
alone.

Leela watches two doves cuddling up to each other on a branch, two butterflies fluttering together, two mink frolicking past, two deer drinking
at the same stream, two giraffes necking, two pigs rolling around in the mud together, two foxes sitting down for their date at a teensy little table
while a penguin pours them champagne, who is quickly joined by another penguin, and she sighs heavily, and looks depressed. Just then, God comes strolling by.

GOD
Ahhh... another beautiful day in paradise.

Leela sighs again.

GOD
Everything in splendid harmony. Nothing whatsoever amiss.

Leela sighs really loudly. God finally hears it.

GOD
Leela! I didn't see you moping there. Is something the matter?

LEELA
Oh... it's nothing...

GOD
Oh good, well in that case, as I was saying...

LEELA
(quickly) It's just I was really wondering if you could make me a companion just like you did for all the other animals.

GOD
But Leela, you're my finest creation yet. I couldn't possibly duplicate your perfection.

LEELA
(whining) But I'm *lonely*! All the other animals have mates!

GOD
If all the other animals jumped off a bridge, would you jump off one too?

LEELA
(blinking) What's a bridge? And if it meant getting a mate, yes, yes I would.

GOD
Oh fine. If you want one that badly, I'll make you a companion.

LEELA
Yay! *Finally*, someone I can relate to!

She throws her arms up in the air. The lion and the lamb give her hurt looks.

LEELA
I mean, not that I don't love *you* guys.

She resumes petting them guiltily, and they relax their heads into her lap again.

Cut to God's laboratory. Leela is standing by watching while God takes a can labelled "Campbell's Primordial Soup - Just add water!" out of the cupboard and opens it with his golden electric can-opener. Then he dumps the gelatinous contents, still in a cylinder shape, out onto the floor, gets an eyedropper, and adds a single drop of water. The soup bubbles and fizzes and sprouts up into a pillar of pink flesh about human height, which God proceeds to sculpt, sticking in various organs as he does so.

GOD
So... how do you want him to look?

LEELA
Um... well... about the same size as me, but a different shape... not so bumpy in front, or so narrow on the sides, but soft in the middle... with
*two* eyes... yeah, two big, bright eyes, and a nice smile, and shorter hair, but long on top...

GOD
What color?

LEELA
Um... how about... the color of an orange.

GOD
Did you ever get around to naming that color yet?

LEELA
(impatient) I'll think of something later.

She watches as God continues to sculpt, adding orange hair, and reaching for a canister marked "brains."

LEELA
Oh, but make him so I'm a little stronger and smarter, okay?

GOD
Yes, yes... (muttering) Backseat Creator.

He squirts some brains up Fry's nose with a turkey baster, then wipes off the remnants with a kleenex.

GOD
There! All done! Now we just have to think of a name. I was thinking something with a "fff" sound, perhaps...

LEELA
(excited) Fry!

GOD
*Philip* Fry?

LEELA
(making that face again) Oh all right.

GOD
Well, let's wake him up, shall we?

He stretches his hand out to Fry's face... then he slaps him a few times.

GOD
(yelling) Wake up!

God steps back and lets Leela come forward. Fry blinks slowly to life, then yawns, stretches, and smiles at her.

FRY
Whatup?

LEELA
Hi Fry. Welcome to Paradise. I'm Leela.

Fry gazes at Leela adoringly.

FRY
Wow... you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

LEELA
I'm the *only* thing you've ever seen.

FRY
Hey, that's right. (he laughs) You're *smart*, too.

LEELA
(grinning) I think we're going to get along just fine.

She takes his hand. Fry instantly leans forward and kisses her. In a moment, they're both wrapped in each other's arms.

GOD
I'll leave you two kids alone...

He starts to shuffle out of the room. Suddenly, he stops and turns back.

GOD
Wait a moment... this is *my* laboratory... go down to Eden if you're going to do that!

FRY
(holding the turkey baster) Awwww...

Cut to Fry and Leela walking hand in hand through the Garden of Eden.

LEELA
Hey Fry, wanna see the giraffe?

FRY
Oh boy! A real live giraffe! You bet I do! (pause) What's a giraffe?

LEELA
*This* is a giraffe.

She gestures to a nearby giraffe nonchalantly munching the leaves of a tree. Fry goes up to it excitedly and pats its rump.

FRY
Wow. You're spotty.

The giraffe leans down to sniff him. He laughs, and scratches it behind the ears. Then a bird lands on his shoulder.

FRY
Ooh, what's this?

LEELA
That's a bird. Isn't it pretty?

FRY
(hugging a lamb) And what's this?

LEELA
That's a lamb.

FRY
And what's... whoa!

Fry starts to point towards something offscreen, and then it pounces on him, pinning him to the ground.

LEELA
That's a lion.

Fry is surprised, but not the least bit afraid. The lion slurps his face with its tongue, and he laughs.

FRY
A lion huh? Hey fella, hey boy, whooza good boy huh? Whooza good boy? Rr-rr-rr.

He ruffles the lion's mane and starts wrestling with it like a big dog. Leela sits under the apple tree and watches Fry and the lion chase each other back and forth.

GOD
So, how do you like your companion?

Leela turns to see God standing right there, hands behind his back.

LEELA
I love him! He doesn't know *anything* - it's so much fun to show him around and tell him the names of things.

FRY
Hey Leela... look what I found! It's for you.

He comes up with a flower in his hand, and gives it to Leela.

LEELA
Aww... that's so sweet.

FRY
I know how you like birds and all.

LEELA
Well it's not actually a... that's so sweet.

Fry beams, kisses her on the cheek, and runs off to play with the lion again.

GOD
So you don't think I should have made him a little smarter?

LEELA
Oh no, he's perfect just the way he is.

They both watch as, in the distance, Fry trips headlong over a rock.

FRY
Whoops!

He laughs and scrambled back up again. Leela laughs too.

GOD
Well, if you say so.

He shuffles away. Leela watches Fry trip over the same rock again, and looks a tiny bit smug.

LEELA
(to herself) Besides, I wouldn't want him to be smarter than *me*.

Cut to a while later. Fry is stretched out asleep using the lion as a pillow, snoring loudly. A butterfly comes fluttering up near his face, gets
sucked towards his mouth as he breathes in, gets blown away from it again as  he breathes out, then sucked towards him, then blown away, and then he finally inhales it, and sits up coughing and choking. Eventually, he hacks out the butterfly intact, and it flops around wetly on the grass.

FRY
Ooh, pretty.

He reaches out for it. The butterfly recovers and goes fluttering off again. He scrambles up and chases after it.

FRY
Hold still! I just wanna look at you! Aw, c'mon, please?

All of a sudden, a long scaly tail lashes out, catches him around the neck, and hauls him backwards against a tree trunk.

FRY
Erk! What the...?

He looks up. The tree he's been dragged up against is the apple tree, and the owner of the tail appears to be a snake draped over one of its branches. She bats her eyelashes at him and speaks in Mom's gravelly voice.

SNAKE
Hello there Fry.

FRY
(brightly) Hi. Who're you?

SNAKE
Oh... just a friend...

FRY
(watching the butterfly go fluttering off) Aw nuts, you made me lose it.

SNAKE
Forget the butterfly.

She uncoils her tail from his neck, reaches up, and brings it back down with an apple in it, dangling temptingly in front of his face.

SNAKE
How about a nice shiny apple?

FRY
God said we're not supposed to eat the apples.

SNAKE
Well of *course* he'd say *that*. That's because these are the apples of ultimate knowledge. Anyone who eats one would be as smart as God.

FRY
Eh.

SNAKE
Don't tell me you're not interested in knowing everything God knows.

FRY
(smoothing his hair back) Hey, when you look this good, you don't have to know anything.

SNAKE
But knowledge is power!

Fry stares at her blankly.

SNAKE
All the secrets of the universe could be yours!

Fry continues to stare at her blankly.

SNAKE
You'll win friends and influence people!

FRY
Um... yeah.
Speaking of people, I'm gonna go find Leela now. Not that this wasn't thrilling and everything. Bye.

He starts to walk away.

SNAKE
(desperately) It would impress Leela!

FRY
(turning back) Really?

SNAKE
Oh sure. There's nothing more impressive than a guy who knows the secrets of the universe. In fact... (she lowers her voice and drapes a coil confidentially over Fry's shoulder)  ... you didn't hear it from me, but word around the Tree is that Leela's disappointed God didn't make you smarter.

FRY
(blinking) What?

SNAKE
Oh yes. Rumor has it, she's even thinking of asking God to make her a *new* companion.

FRY
(crushed) But... but *I'm* her companion. She had me specially made. I thought she *liked* me.

SNAKE
Oh, she just *pretended* to like you. Didn't want to hurt your feelings.

She lifts the apple up and dangles it in front of him again.

SNAKE
Of course, if you were smarter, she wouldn't have to pretend.

Cut to Leela wandering through the bushes, calling for Fry.

LEELA
Fry? Fry? Are you done playing with that lion yet? Fry? Here boy! Fry!

She pushes some ferns aside and gasps. Fry is just about to take a bite of the apple.

LEELA
Fry, NO!!!

He freezes, the apple an inch from his mouth. Leela runs forward and knocks it out of his hand.

LEELA
What were you doing?! You know we're forbidden to eat that! Thank goodness I got here in time!

FRY
(gulping) Uh, Leela, um... hi, um...

Suddenly, he blinks several times. His jaw drops, and he jolts as if startled.

FRY
Holy crap, you're naked! (he looks down at himself, and startles again) Holy crap, so am I!

LEELA
(frowning in confusion) Naked? What do you mean?

FRY
N... n-n-nothing...

He rips some leaves off the tree, holds them in front of his naughty bits, and grins nervously. Leela peers at him.

LEELA
What's that in your teeth?

Fry instantly purses his mouth, but Leela grabs him, and pulls his upper lip back. She gasps at what she sees protruding from his teeth.

LEELA
Apple skin!

She lets Fry go and runs over to the apple, where it lies, seemingly intact, on the ground. She turns it over. There's a bite taken out of it.

LEELA
Oh Fry!
How could you!

FRY
(cringing) B... But I did it for you! The branch animal said you didn't think I was smart enough!

LEELA
Well you sure proved *that*, didn't you?

Fry chokes, and wraps his arms around himself, rocking back and forth.

FRY
Oh man... oh man oh man oh man... you don't think God'll be mad, do you?

LEELA
Well, maybe not. You *are* new here. He can be very understanding some...

At that moment, there is a tremendous crack of thunder. Fry yelps and falls over, and when the smoke clears, God is standing there, looking mighty pissed off, along with an angel who bears a surprising resemblance to Hermes, carrying a flaming sword. Leela quickly hides the apple behind her back. Fry quickly hides behind Leela.

ANGEL
(in a rumbling voice)
Philip J. Fry-mon. I am de archbureaucrat Gabriel. What's dis Jah be hearin' about you eatin' of the forbidden fruit?

GOD
This is an outrage! *I* was going to eat that apple! Fry has got to go!

FRY
No, it wasn't me!

He burps loudly.

GOD
Aha! Apple breath! You *did* eat my apple!

FRY
(shaking)

I didn't mean to! It just looked so juicy and refreshing...

GOD
I'm sure it was. But now your fate is sealed. I'm kicking you out of the Garden of Eden!

LEELA
No! (she steps forward) It wasn't him, it was me! Look!

She holds out the bitten apple.

GOD
Nice try, Leela, but I *am* omniscient after all. I know it was him. You're too perfect to ever disobey me like that, and the fact you'd try to take the blame for his mistake only proves how much more perfect you are.

LEELA
But...

GOD
(turning to Fry) But as for you, you second-rate, defective model, out you go!

He points in the direction of the gates to the Garden, which swing open, revealing a significantly grimmer and scarier looking world outside.

FRY
Oh no... no *please*! Don't send me away! I'm *sorry*! I'm so, so sorry! I only wanted to be a better person!

GOD
Out!

LEELA
But it's not his fault! He was tricked!

GOD
Out!

FRY
Couldn't we talk about this?

GOD
Out! Before I recycle you into something more useful, like chum!

Gabriel floats ominously forward, pointing the sword at Fry.

GABRIEL
Don't make me get Second Day on your ass now, mon.

Fry whimpers, and starts to back away, towards the gates.

FRY
Goodbye Leela. I'm sorry.

LEELA
Fry, no!

She tries to run forward, but Gabriel restrains her. So all she can do is watch helplessly as Fry makes his lonesome way out the gates, and they slam shut with finality behind him.

GOD
Good riddance! I knew that one was a troublemaker the moment I gave him a troublemaking gene!

Leela starts to sob. God pats her on the back.

GOD
Don't worry Leela. I'll make you a *new* companion.

LEELA
(wailing) But I don't *want* a new companion. I want *Fry*!

GOD
Nonsense. This one will be much better. And this time, I'll make it so he won't possibly cause any problems.

Cut to God's laboratory. He's putting the finishing touches on Bender.

GOD
There. A mechano-man, guaranteed not to have any desire for apples.

Leela sniffs, and wipes her eye.

GOD
What should we call him?

LEELA
I don't care.

GOD
*Bender* I-don't-care?

LEELA
Just Bender's fine.

GOD
Very well. Bender, awake!

He clongs Bender on the side of the head with his golden screwdriver. Bender's eye-shield slowly raises. God pushes Leela forward, and Bender
stares at her.

BENDER
Bite my shiny metal ass!

LEELA
(shocked)
What?

BENDER
Heh heh.
Nothin' personal. I just thought it'd be cool if those were my first words.

GOD
So... what do you think?

Leela reaches out to feel Bender's shoulder.

BENDER
Hey, watch the finish.

LEELA
I don't like him. He's not warm and cuddly like Fry. He's all hard and cold.

BENDER
Oh yeah?
Well up yours too, skintube.

LEELA
What's that supposed to mean?

GOD
Bender! Now behave yourself. You're here to be a companion to Leela.

BENDER
What? Companion to *this* meatsack?

LEELA
Why can't I just have Fry back?

GOD
Because Fry's a disobedient apple-stealer! Not like good old Bender here.

He thumps Bender on the back.

BENDER
Yeah, not like good old Bender here. What's this about stealing?

GOD
Stealing apples. You'd never do that, would you?

BENDER
Apples? Course not! Why would I wanna steal apples?

As he says this, he calmly steals the screwdriver out of God's lab-coat
pocket.

GOD
Good. You see Leela? *Much* better.

Bender grins winningly. Leela folds her arms and looks somehow unimpressed.
 

Cut to Leela climbing a tree near the gates of the Garden and peering over the wall. Fry is sitting against the wall, curled up in a ball, looking
miserable. He's already covered with dirt, bruises and scratches.

LEELA
Hey Fry.

He looks up, and smiles brokenly.

FRY
Hi Leela.

LEELA
How's it going out there?

FRY
Not so great.

(he folds his arms over his abdomen)
My stomach keeps making funny noises.

LEELA
Here. Put some fruit in it. Maybe that'll help.

She picks an orange off the tree and drops it over the wall. Fry tries to catch it but it hits him in the eye.

FRY
Owch!

LEELA
What did you say?

FRY
(holding his eye) I said "owch." I dunno why, but for some reason now whenever a part of my body gets bumped or bumps into something, or I trip and fall down, it doesn't feel good.

LEELA
A new feeling?

FRY
Yeah.

LEELA
It needs a name.

FRY
I was thinking of calling it "owch."

LEELA
How about "pain?"

FRY
Yeah, that's probably better.

There is a pause.

LEELA
Aren't you going to eat the orange?

FRY
No thanks... after the mistake I made with that apple, I've decided I'm never eating again.

LEELA
Are you sure that's a good idea?

FRY
Positive!

He looks longingly at the orange, and his stomach growls.

FRY
...oh, I don't know... Maybe it's *not* such a good idea. You know, that snake *lied* to me. That stupid apple didn't make me any smarter at all!
(he looks up at Leela again) I wish you were here... you always know exactly what to do.

LEELA
I'd rather have you back in here with me.

FRY
See? That's a *way* better idea.

LEELA
Oh Fry...
I'm so sorry...

FRY
Don't be. You're not the one who didn't listen to God.

LEELA
But I should've asked him to make you smarter... I had the chance... and then none of this would have ever happened.

FRY
Oh. You know, actually, I dunno. I've been thinking about that. And maybe I'm not the smartest guy in the world...

LEELA
Fry, there aren't any other guys in the world. That automatically makes you the smartest.

FRY
Really? Oh cool.

LEELA
You were saying?

FRY
Okay, well maybe I'm not the smartest *person* in the world... but the way I see it... that tree was just a disaster waiting to happen... I mean, you
leave fruit lying around, eventually *somebody's* going to eat it. If he really didn't want it eaten, God should've put up a fence or something. But
no... he just planted that tree smack in the middle of the garden. I mean, he's God. He's supposed to be the smartest one of all. And he didn't see
this coming?

LEELA
What are you saying? That he planned it this way?

FRY
Either that or he's getting a little senile in his old age... what is he, a hundred-forty-eight, a hundred-forty-nine trillion now?

LEELA
He's the Academy of Creators' oldest living member.

BENDER'S VOICE
Hey, whatcha doin' in the tree?

Leela looks down quickly. Bender is standing at the bottom of the tree.

LEELA
Enjoying the view. Go away.

BENDER
You're talking to that other fleshwad, aren't you? The fruit-filcher. The banishee.

LEELA
Well so what if I am?

BENDER
Nothin'. I was just wondering if there's anything more interesting to steal out there. This place is as dull as an insufficient metaphor.

LEELA
A what?

BENDER
Yeah, I don't really know what I mean either. Basically, it's just ass boring.

FRY
Who are you talking to?

LEELA
The mechano-man. God made him to be my new companion.

FRY
(upset)
So it's true! You *did* want to replace me!

LEELA
No! I'd much rather have you back. Don't worry, I don't like him at all.

BENDER
Yeah? Well the feeling's mutual, mammal.

(he starts to walk away)
Oh, by the way, God's coming.

LEELA
He is not. You're just saying that because...

She gasps. God is coming up the path.

LEELA
Fry, I've got to go. I'll be back as soon as I can.

She scrambles down the tree, leaving Fry staring up forlornly at the empty space where she just was.

Cut to Fry wandering the wasteland, clutching his stomach, which is still growling ravenously.

FRY
Darn. It's making that noise again. I better put something else in it.

Just then, he spots a cactus with some ripe cactus-fruit. He reaches for the fruit, and, of course, pricks himself on one of the cactus spines.

FRY
Owch! What the...?
(he stares at his bleeding finger)
Weird. I'm leaking juice.

At that moment, he is distracted by an abrupt loud, bleating sound from the direction of some nearby bushes. Curious, he wanders over to investigate, pushing the bushes aside to reveal a lion a little distance away, with its back turned to him, eating something on the ground.

FRY
Hey, a lion! Hi fella, whatcha eating?

The lion turns its head and growls. Its muzzle is covered with blood, and there's a bit of fluffy white wool sticking to one corner of its mouth. Fry
stares at the lion, then looks in horror at where he pricked his finger on the cactus, then back at the lion, and he gasps.

FRY
Wh... What are you doing? You're eating an *animal*?!

The lion advances towards him.

FRY
Uh oh...

He tries to back away, but with an angry roar, the lion springs at him. Just then, out of nowhere, a heavy branch connects with the lion's head,
blindsiding it before it can pounce on Fry. Leela is standing there in a battle-stance, holding the branch, still with a few oranges on it.

FRY
Leela! You're outside!

LEELA
Of course I'm outside.

Shaking its head groggily, the lion gets up, roars, and leaps at Leela this time.

LEELA
Heeeeeeeee-Yah!

She does a fancy spin and whacks it with the branch again. Yelping, it decides to turn tail and flee. Fry runs up and hugs Leela.

FRY
Oh Leela. I'm so sorry you got kicked out, but I'm glad to see you!

LEELA
Kicked out? What do you mean kicked out?

FRY
What? Isn't that why you're out here? You got caught talking to me and God kicked you out too?

LEELA
No! Now quick, let's get back in the Garden before he *does* catch us.

She hustles Fry back to the wall, pushes him up the vine hanging over it, and climbs after him herself. He gets about halfway up before he slips and falls on her, and they both land in a heap on the ground.

LEELA
Darn it. I should've asked him to make you stronger too.

FRY
Sorry.

Cut to Fry and Leela back in the garden again, next to the pigs' mud hole. Leela is covering Fry with mud while Bender stands by watching nonchalantly, smoking a golden cigar with the letter "G" on the wrapper.

BENDER
That's never gonna work.

LEELA
(angrily)
Oh what do you know? God's half blind anyways.
(pause)
Thanks for telling me when he was coming, by the way.

BENDER
(he shrugs)
Eh. What're totally incompatible acquaintances for?

Leela reaches over to a nearby yak and starts pulling hair off it, which she hands to Fry.

LEELA
Here. Put this hair on yourself.

FRY
What am I gonna be?

LEELA
A snuffleophagus.

Cut to later. Fry is completely covered with yak hair and walking down the Garden path with Leela and Bender, on his hands and feet. It would be a convincing impression if he didn't keep crossing his legs.

LEELA
Fry! Walk like a snuffleophagus.

FRY
I can't. I have to go to the bathroom.

LEELA
Just go behind those bushes. I'll stand guard.

Fry stands up and goes to pee behind the bushes Leela indicated. He realizes he's standing close to the apple tree.

FRY
Stupid tree.

He considers for a moment, then switches his aim to pee on the tree instead of in the bushes.

LEELA
Fry!

FRY
What? It deserves to be peed on.

LEELA
No, not that, it's...

Fry turns. God is strolling down the path. He spots Fry.

BENDER
Well, you're boned.

GOD
Sweet Zombie Jesus! What are you doing?

God hurries up and makes shooing motions. Fry stumbles backwards towards Leela.

GOD
Get away from there, you filthy... you filthy...
(he peers at Fry)
What sort of animal *are* you anyways?

FRY
A snuffleophagus, sir.

(Leela elbows him)
Oof! I mean meh-eh-eh-eh...

He makes a vaguely animalistic sound and holds his hands up like paws, grinning sheepishly. God adjusts his glasses.

GOD
A snuffleophagus? I don't recall this Garden having a snuffleophagus.

BENDER
It does now.

Leela and Fry regard God anxiously. God peers at Fry again, then appears to dismiss the matter.

GOD
Yes, I suppose it does. Well, as long as you're all here, I'd like you to see my newest creation... ragweed!

He holds out a bunch of ragweed proudly. Leela and Fry's noses twitch a few times, and then they both sneeze violently, causing all the yak hair to fall off Fry. God drops the ragweed in surprise.

GOD
What the... what in the name of Me is going on here?

LEELA
Um... would you believe shedding?

GOD
(infuriated)
Fry! You snuck back into the Garden! Well that's it, I'm just going to have to smite you!

(he rolls up his sleeves)
Gabriel!

Gabriel instantly appears, hovering ominously behind God. Fry stumbles backwards again, frightened.

GOD
Smite this sinner!

GABRIEL
Wit' pleasure, mon.

He starts bashing Bender over the head with his flaming sword.

BENDER
Ow! Ow! Ow! Not the ass!

GOD
Not that sinner! *That* sinner!

He points towards Fry, who utters a squeak and stands there petrified. Gabriel turns and advances on Fry menacingly.

GOD
That's right! Smite him good!

Gabriel raises the sword, and Fry cringes and covers his head. But then Leela lunges in front of him, shielding him with her body.

LEELA
Wait! You can't do this!

GOD
Leela!

GABRIEL
Out of de way, woman! You're obstructin' the smiting.

LEELA
But you can't smite Fry! I'm the one who smuggled him back into the Garden! Smite me!

She bares her chest, or would if it weren't already bare. God gasps, and Gabriel lowers the sword.

BENDER
(picking himself up off the ground)
Yeah, smite her!

GOD
You, Leela? My most perfect creation? You'd disobey me like that?

LEELA
You never actually said I *couldn't* smuggle him back into the Garden.

GOD
Yes, well, I suppose that *is* true...
(he comes back to his senses)
But still! It was very naughty of you! I've half a mind to take away your mechano-man.

BENDER
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go making any hasty decisions here.

LEELA
That's it? That's all you're going to do to me?

GOD
(shuffling up to put a hand on her shoulder)
Oh I could never punish you Leela. I know you only did what you did because I made you so well. So brave and selfless...

Leela looks guilty.

GOD
(turning to Fry)
Unlike *this* lousy excuse for a creation. You're going back outside, where you belong!

He catches Fry by the ear, pulls him out from behind Leela, and starts to steer him towards the gates. Leela grabs Fry's arm.

LEELA
No! You can't send Fry away again!

GOD
Oh pish posh. I'm omnipotent. Technically I can do anything except eat caramel corn with my teeth in.

LEELA
But he's not an outdoor person! He won't survive!

Fry whimpers pitifully.

GOD
(pulling Fry towards him)
I'm sorry Leela, I just can't let you keep him. He's not Garden-broken.

LEELA
(yanking Fry back)
This isn't right. This isn't right, you don't create a helpless creature and then just dump them as soon as they make one mistake!

GOD
(pulling Fry forward again)
Fiddlesticks. Everything I do is right. It's one of the main perks of being God.

Leela stomps her foot.

LEELA
That does it!

She lets go of Fry's arm, and snatches an apple off the tree.

LEELA
If you don't let Fry stay, I'll... I'll eat this apple!

GOD
(furiously)
If you eat that apple, you go too!

LEELA
Maybe I will!

BENDER
Hey, c'mon, wait a sec. You wouldn't just leave me here with God and his bureaucrats, would you? We got a good thing going here. You'd hafta *toil* and stuff out there.

FRY
Leela, don't do it! I'm not worth it!

GOD
Listen to the blasphemer Leela! You wouldn't choose him over me, would you? Over eternal life and happiness?

LEELA
How could I be happy knowing he was suffering? He was created because of me. I can't let him go alone.

She bites into the apple. Everyone falls silent. Leela chews and swallows quietly, and takes Fry's hand.

BENDER
Aw crap.

LEELA
If you want to kick one of us out, you're going to have to kick both of us out.

GOD
Fine! Get out!!!

LEELA
(blinking)
Wh... you really mean that?

GOD
You bet your sacrilegious backside I do! Gabriel!

Gabriel floats forward, brandishing the fiery sword.

GABRIEL
Go on, get outta here, de both a' you. And don't you be showin' your blasphemin' faces around here again.

LEELA
Well... well *fine*! If you're going to be *that* way about it! Come on Fry!

She drags him off, towards the gates.

FRY
I can't believe you did that for me.

LEELA
(looking like she's already regretting it)
Neither can I. And as if it wasn't already embarrassing enough, did we have to be *naked* through the whole thing?

They reach the gates, and stand at the threshold of the mortal world, hand in hand.

FRY
I love you Leela.

LEELA
(bracing herself grimly)
I love you too. I just hope it stays that way.

And they step through.

BENDER
(yelling after them)
Aw, go on then! Leave me! I'll have my own Garden! With blackjack! And hookers!

GOD
Oh no you won't.

BENDER
What, no hookers?

GOD
I'm afraid not.

BENDER
Not even blackjack?

GOD
Oh my, no.

BENDER
(running after Fry and Leela) Hey guys, wait for me!

NARRATOR
And so... they lived, if not quite happily, then at least *pretty* happily, in a semi-tolerable sort of way... and together ever after.

The End :)

So what did you think? Send your comments to Lilith21@hotmail.com   I thrive on feedback! Well, that and chocolate. Either one would be most appreciated!

The Futurama Universe (c) FOX, this story (c) Lilith, 2001. Please do not repost without permission. (Riposting, however, is acceptable.)

Buddies