“Fry Wants an Abortion.”
Fry dribbled the basketball while Bender stood on the cement court in front of him trying to guard the basket. It was a cool fall afternoon but Fry was considering taking off his sweatshirt so he could have more movement. He was down by eight points and if Bender got one more basket he’d win. Fry called a time out and unzipped his hoodie and Bender let out an aggravated sigh.
“Oh come on. You really think that losing that thing is gonna let you win?”
“Hey just focus on your game, alright? I’ve come back many times before.”
“That’s total bull. I’ve beaten you every time we’ve played.”
“Because you cheat!” Fry said holding the ball in his hand.
“Not my fault you have no talent…or a cheating app.”
“Then how about you stop using it so it will be an even match?”
“It still wouldn’t because you suck.” Bender said extending his arms, stealing the ball and dunking it. “I win.”
“Bender, what the hell? You can’t do that!”
“I think I just did!”
They continued arguing and were being so loud that Fry didn’t even notice his ex-girlfriend Michelle stepping her way onto the court calling his name.
Still no response.
He finally stopped arguing with his metallic friend and turned towards her. “Michelle, what are you doing here?”
“It’s about our son.”
Fry stared at her with a blank expression.
“That is something no man ever wants to hear.” Bender said.
“So she’s saying that it’s your son?” Leela asked.
Fry sat on the couch at Planet Express with his friends telling them about his encounter with Michelle. Afterwards he and Bender went back to work where the rest of their friends were waiting-after all the work day wasn’t over with yet. He and Bender routinely snuck out, usually to go to the bar and drink. It helped the rest of the day go by faster.
“Sounds like bull to me Fry.” Bender said.
“I know! This is impossible.”
“Well, you slept with her, right?” Leela asked.
“Did you use birth control?”
Fry snickered. “You kidding? My parents were Catholic.”
“You didn’t—so you can have premarital sex but you can’t use birth control?”
“Okay, see you’re twisting my words around. That’s what you’re doing.”
“When did she have this kid?” Amy asked.
“I haven’t seen her in like eight years.”
“What does she want from you?” Leela asked.
“That’s the weird part. She doesn’t want money or anything she just wants me to meet him.”
“Are you going to?”
“No, of course not.”
“Fry, you’ve got to meet him and find out for sure.”
“Yeah,” Bender said. “Get a blood test or something. Oh wait…what’s Gods stand on blood tests?”
“Uh…I don’t know. I’ll have to find that out.”
“So you’ll go meet him?” Leela asked.
“Yeah I guess. I mean, I wish I could have been there years ago and—you know.”
“Been there for him?” Leela asked with a small smile.
“No. Made her get an abortion.”
Leela and Amy just stared at him. “So,” Leela said. “You can’t use birth control, but you can get an abortion?”
“No, it’s—“He paused and sighed. “See now you’re like a words expert and you’re twisting my words around again and making me sound stupid.”
“Apartment 4C, right?”
Bender stood with an anxious looking Fry outside Michelle’s 31st Century apartment. Fry was jittery, shaking his hands and bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“Are you having a seizure?” Bender asked. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”
“I can’t do this.”
“Yes you can. It’s gonna be fine.”
“I swear to God I’m gonna throw up.”
“Not in front of me you’re not.”
“Maybe I should just run. You know? Just bail.”
Bender grabbed his jacket and knocked on the door. “Too late.”
“Hey Fry.” Michele said.
“Hey. Uh, you remember Bender, right?”
“Oh yeah, I remember. So…are you two…together, or something? I know that’s legal now.”
“What?” They both said. “No! No.”
“I’m just here for moral support.”
“Oh. Alright. Well come on in guys.”
She led them inside the cluttered apartment. Fry never remembered Michelle being so disorganized but he guessed having a kid changed her. She sat on a chair and pulled on a pair of shoes talking to the two of them.
“Sorry I have to take off so soon but I’ve got work.”
She stood up and looked over her shoulder. “Tommy, Fry and his friend are here!”
“So Goddamn what?”
Michelle turned and gave a nervous chuckle. “He’s a bit of a handful. Tommy, get out here!”
A kid about eight years old came out of one of the bedrooms and kicked a soccer ball that was lying on the floor. It sailed across the room hitting Fry right in the crotch.
“This is bulls**t.” the kid muttered.
“Hey,” Michelle said. “Language.”
“Which one of you f*gs is supposed to be my dad?”
“Whoa” Fry said after regaining himself from the nut shot. “Hello. Right out of the gate with the language.”
“Little bastard.” Bender muttered.
“So,” Michelle said. “What do you guys have planned?”
“We’re gonna go hang out at the park. You know? Maybe play some basketball or whatever.”
“Cool. I’ll see you guys when I get off my shift. Tommy, behave.”
Michelle walked out and left Fry with Bender and Tommy, who looked at the two of them and crossed his arms. “I’m not going to the park.”
“No crap.” Bender said smirking.
After a 20 minute walk Fry, Bender and Tommy arrived at a free clinic. Bender sat down and Fry forced Tommy in the seat next to him while he got paper work from the receptionist.
“What the hell is this place?” Tommy asked Bender.
“Well you see kid; because of his crappy job Fry doesn’t have health insurance. So really, this is a life lesson for you. See, look over there-“he pointed at Petunia-an elderly chain smoking woman whom Bender had once set Fry up on a blind date with. “That’s what you get when you don’t have health insurance.”
“What are we doing?” the kid asked Fry once he sat down.
“Well, we’re going to see a friend of mine,” Fry said filling out papers.
“Why?” Tommy asked.
“Because he is going to answer a very important question for us.”
“Because I said so. No more questions buddy.”
“Really? This is your game?”
“Why?” he continued.
Bender pulled a baseball bat out of his chest cabinet and Tommy shut up pretty quickly. As Fry filled out the papers he felt someone run a finger along the back of his neck. Turning around he saw Petunia sitting on the seat that was behind him.
“Hey there darlin’” she said. “What are you doing here?”
“Uh, I’m getting a blood test.”
“Blood test? You got AIDS?”
“Nope. No I do not.”
“Pretty sure,” Fry said looking over his shoulder with an annoyed look on his face.
“I’ll sleep with you for $10.”
“Oh really?” Fry said, he looked over at the table next to him and picked up a pamphlet. “Let me just consult some of this literature they have here-Oh would you look at that: according to this that is not a good idea. So, no thank you.”
“I wanna go to the mall.” Tommy said.
“Well that’s too bad.” Fry said as he continued to fill out the sheet.
“I wanna go to the mall!” he said louder.
“Keep your voice down.”
“I wanna go to the mall!!” Tommy yelled forcing Fry to cover his mouth with his hand.
“Okay you know what buddy? We’re-Oh my God, he’s biting my hand! He’s biting my hand, Bender!”
Bender picked the two of them up by their collars and dragged them out of the clinic.
Fry and Bender each sat on a bar stool in O'Zorgnax's Pub watching Tommy slam the handles of the foosball table back and forth saying “Die, die, die” as the little wooden men slammed against the side of the table. The two of them stared at him and then looked at each other.
“What do you think is wrong with that kid?” Bender asked.
The door to the pub opened and Leela walked in taking a seat next to Fry. “Hey guys.”
“Hey,” they both said.
“Rough day?” she asked seeing two empty beer mugs in front of Fry.
“The worst. This kid is a nightmare.”
Fry saw Tommy get a pool cue and start beating the foosball table with it. “Tommy, no!”
He jumped off the stool and went and grabbed the cue from Tommy.
“This place sucks! I wanna go to the mall!”
“We can’t go the mall, alright?”
“Shut up, I’m the boss of you!”
“You’re not the boss of me!” Fry said in a mocking voice.
“I wanna go to the mall!”
“Oh you wanna go to the mall?” he said pulling the pool cue and dragging Tommy with him. “You know you could ask nicely. Guys, come on lets go.”
“Fine,” Leela said, “Come on Bender, let’s help Fry out.”
“Thank you.” Fry said before Tommy swung the pool cue hitting him in the back of the knees. He yelped and fell to the ground whimpering.
Fry, Leela and Bender stood on the escalator with Tommy as the rode up towards the second floor of the mall.
“You’re ugly.” Tommy said to Fry.
“You’re ugly.” Fry said back.
“You are the one who’s ugly!”
They continued arguing and Leela smacked Fry’s arm. “Fry! Jeeze. How old are you? Are you thirty something? Thirty something years old?”
Fry grunted and slammed his foot down in frustration.
“You have to buy me a toy.” Tommy said.
“I don’t have to buy you s**t.” Fry said.
“Either buy me a toy or I’m gonna tell my mom you took me to a black peoples hospital.”
“Oh my God. Wow.” Fry said. “That is incredibly racist. Like, what do you say to that?”
“I’m not saying anything.” Bender said in an annoyed voice.
They got to the floor and Tommy ran for the first toy store he saw. Fry reluctantly followed with his friends.
“Fry, what are you gonna do if this kid is yours?” Leela asked.
“Oh I don’t know. I’ll probably kill myself.” He looked to the side and motioned to a fembot standing there with a child robot. “Hey Bender, isn’t that the waitress from the coffee shop you tried to pick up?”
“Go talk to her.”
“You think I should?”
“Come with me. So I don’t seem creepy.”
The two of them walked over to the Fembot and Bender said hello. She looked at him with an annoyed look and said “Oh, hello Bender.”
“Hey. This is my friend Fry. Who this?” he asked motioning to the female child robot at her side.
“This is my little sister.”
“Really? Huh.” He looked at the human like Fembot and the square child. “She looks like a vending machine.”
The Fembot stared. “She is a vending machine. She’s not my real little sister. It’s the Big Brother Big Sister program.”
“Oh what a coincidence. That’s what we’re doing here!” Bender said. “Fry and I are big brothers to that sweet little guy over there…yeah. They ran out of robot ones for me so we teamed up to be role models for that little meat bag.”
“Really?” she said. “You’re involved in the program?”
“Oh he loves the program.” Fry said. “It’s his favorite.”
“Then I’ll guess you’ll be at the picnic this Saturday?”
“We’ll be there.” Bender said. “Oh, hey. What if we car pool?”
“Sure.” She said. “Why not?”
“Great. Wanna meet us outside O'Zorgnax's Pub?”
“Sure. See you then.”
She walked away and Fry turned to Bender. “What the hell man? I don’t want to spend another day with this kid!”
“Fry, just do this one thing for me. I mean I’ve never asked you to do anything for me.”
“You ask me to do everything for you!”
“Come on buddy. Do this and…I’ll blackmail Leela into going out with you.”
“I don’t want-wait, really?”
Fry thought about for a second and finally smirked.
Fry stood outside Michelle’s apartment with Tommy at his side. As soon as she opened the door Tommy jetted inside and into his room.
“So, did you guys have fun?” Michelle asked.
“Oh yeah. We had a blast.” He paused and finally asked: “I was actually wondering if I could take him out Saturday? You know, a little father-son thing.”
“Really?” Michelle asked surprised.
She thought about it and finally shook her head. “Damn it. I can’t do this… Tommy’s not your son!”
“Remember how after we broke up I started dating Pauly Shore? That guy is Tommy’s real father.”
“I don’t care!” Fry repeated as she continued.
“He left me after Tommy was born. Do you know how hard it’s been to raise him?”
“I don’t care!! So you thought you could just pawn off your son on me?”
“Well I thought I could find him a better role model than that idiot.”
Fry sighed and put his hands up to his face. “Oh my God, okay uh…So can I borrow him Saturday?”
Michelle stared and finally shrugged. “Sure.”
“Okay. Great.” He said before leaving.
“Alright it’s all set.” Fry said as he entered the robot arms apartment and sat down next to Bender. “So, did you set me up with Leela?”
“No, I was lying about that.”
“Yeah, I just said that so you’d be able to get Tommy Saturday.”
“Really? Thanks buddy, thanks a lot. But uh, I’m just gonna call Michelle that something came out and I cant hang out with Tommy.”
“No! That Fembot is picking us up at the pub, you can’t cancel!”
“Then go talk to Leela.” he said crossing his arms. Bender sighed and stood up mumbling something about a pillow, Fry’s face and sleeping.
“Come on Leela; just go on one date with him.”
Bender stood outside apartment 1I trying to convince Leela to go out with Fry in return for helping him with the Fembot.
“N-O.” she said. “I’m not going out with Fry.”
“Please? I mean, he’s helping me out with a Fembot and I guess you humans return favors when someone does something nice for you. I don’t understand it but whatever.”
“Too bad. You got yourself into this.”
“Okay, how about this-“ he said after a moment. “You just go with us to the picnic as your date. Huh?”
Leela was about to reject the idea but the more she thought about it she realized it wasn’t that bad of an idea. She’d probably have fun and maybe she’d finally get Fry off her back. “Fine. Alright. I’ll see you guys Saturday.”
Fry stood with Tommy outside of O'Zorgnax's Pub dressed in jeans and a polo shirt instead of his traditional red jacket and white tee-shirt. After Bender said that his and Leela’s date was going to be at the picnic he was a bit disappointed but realized that he could plan something different for a second date-which he was sure he would get.
“Okay listen Tommy, today is a very important day for me.”
“Well this is probably the best chance I have at getting together with this girl so,” he knelt down so he was eye level with him. “Look at me, look at me pal. If you’re good today, I’m gonna buy you anything you want, okay?”
Tommy looked at him for a second and then spit right in Fry’s face. Fry closed his eyes and let out a frustrated groan.
“Oh my God!” he shouted. “I will smash your face into-into a jelly!”
He opened the door to the bar and gave Tommy a nudge inside. “Come on, I got to get cleaned up.”
After washing his face a few times Fry took a seat at the bar while Tommy played with the hand held game he brought with him. Fry ordered a Slurm to sip on while they waited even though he desperately wanted a drink. They sat there for a few minutes when the bars phone rang and the bartended named Mac began to take off his apron. Mac had gotten to know Bender and Fry over the past few months since they spent a lot of time after work at the pub.
“Hey Fry? Do you think you can watch the bar for about a half an hour?”
“Uh sure. I guess.”
“Thanks, I promise I won’t be long.” He said walking out the door.
Almost an hour later Mac still wasn’t back and the pub was swamped. Fry struggled to keep up with all the patrons but luckily for him no one ordered any complicated drinks-just beer and a few ordered old fashions which Fry knew how to make. He looked at the clock and realized that Bender and Leela were late and that the Fembot would be there soon.
Fry was about to pull out his cell phone and call his friend when Bender walked in.
“Where the hell have you been man?” Fry said. “The girls are gonna be here any minute.”
“Sorry. I had some business I had to take care of but I got…held up. Hey, did you know that Mac lives down the street?” he finally realized Fry was working the bar. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Mac had to leave so he asked me to work the bar.” He thought for a second and frowned. “Oh my God, you robbed Mac’s apartment and got caught.”
Bender waved him off. “Whatever. Let these booze hounds handle their own drinks. Grab the kid and-whoa!” he said as he got close to Tommy. “This kid reeks of booze!”
Fry’s eyes went wide. “Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no! Are you drunk? Tell me you’re not drunk.”
“Yeah,” Tommy said.
“Great job Fry.”
“Oh my God, what are we gonna do? Brew some coffee, Bender.”
“You can’t give him coffee.”
“He’s been drinking, I’m sure coffee isn’t that big a deal.”
“Let’s just get him outside; I’m sure he’s fine.”
The two of them took Tommy by the arms and led him out onto the street.
“Alright, this is great, fresh air.” Fry said. “Sit down.”
Tommy sat down on the bench outside the bar and looked at Fry. “You suck!” he slurred.
“You suck, okay?” Fry said shaking his shoulders a bit to sober him up.
“You‘re stupid and you have an ugly face.” He said.
“You’re stupid, you have an ugly face.”
“You’re both stupid and have ugly faces.” Bender said lighting a cigar.
“Shut up Bender.” Fry said and then looked at Tommy and just lost it. “And you are driving me crazy kid! I mean all you do is push peoples buttons. You push and push and push and you drive people crazy! Maybe that’s why you don’t have a dad anymore-“
“Oh my God! Fry what the hell are you doing?”
Fry turned and saw not only Leela but the Fembot with her little sister.
“Oh…hey ladies.” Fry said nervously. “This isn’t what it looks like.”
“I’m drunk.” Tommy said.
“He’s drunk?!” the Fembot asked mortified.
“He’s not drunk.” Bender said.
“I am drunk!”
“You’re not drunk,” Fry said.
“I AM drunk!” he shouted.
“You’re not drunk!” Fry yelled back. “Stop saying that!”
He looked over his shoulder and said to the two of them, “He’s fine.”
Without warning Tommy threw up all over Fry’s shoes and he closed his eyes. “Crap.”
The next day Fry exited the Planet Express ship after it touched down in LA. He walked to a café nearby and saw Pauley Shore sitting outside with some friends.
“Hey, Pauley Shore.”
“Phil Fry.” Fry said pointing to himself.
Shore just looked at him. “Yeah?”
“I’m the guy who unfroze you and then you stole my girlfriend.”
“Oh yeah, I remember.”
“Listen, I need to talk to you about your son. Tommy.”
“Uh, because your kid has serious emotional issues.”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re not there for him as a father.”
“Really?” he asked realizing what he was doing.
“Is this what you’re doing to me?”
“This is your little game?”
Fry sighed and walked away muttering under his breath.