Futurama

Fan Fiction

My So-Called Best Friend's Wedding
By BumbleBeeTheta

(Based on several Friends episodes)

Part One: "Mistake"

"This is the place where I sit.
This is the part where I love you too much.
Is this as hard as it gets
'Cos I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough.
I'm here if you want me.
I'm yours, you can hold me.
I'm empty and taken
And tumbling and breaking.

'Cos you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would,
The way I wish you would."

"You Don't See Me" by Josie and the Pussycats

Scene: PE Docking Bay.

(Everyone gets off the ship and is stopped by a "being of inconceivable horror".)

Being of Inconceivable Horror: (angry) You are the worst delivery service I have ever used!

Leela: (twitching nervously) Uh... is something wrong?

Being: (sarcastic) Is something wrong? Of course something's wrong! My outgoing package has yet to be delivered! Your company guarantees that every package will arrive at its destination within forty-eight hours, and it's been over two days!

Bender: Hey! You're the guy whose crap Leela lost.

(Leela slaps her forehead in disgust.)

Being: What?!

Leela: (rushed) It wasn't my fault! Amy loaded it!

Amy: Yeah, but Fry was supposed to lock the cargo bay!

(Everyone turns around and stares straight at him.)

Fry: (nervous) Uh... it wasn't me?

(Leela shakes her head and sighs.)

Being: Since there's no way it'll get delivered now, I want a refund!

Leela: A refund, of course! Amy, get the professor.

Amy: He's at the NNYC Mad Scientists Convention.

Leela: Um, what about Hermes?

Amy: He just left.

(Leela bites her lip.)

Being: Are you going to give me a refund or do I need to sue?

Leela: Look, we can't pay you back right now, but maybe we can give you the money later.

Being: I'm leaving Earth tonight.

Leela: Well, is there anything I can personally do to make up for it?

Bender: (whispering to Leela) Don't negotiate. Remember what happened the last time you tried it.

(Flash-back to Love's Labors Lost in Space with Leela screaming.)

Leela: (to herself) Shoot.

(The Being looks thoughtful for a moment.)

Being: I suppose there is something you can do. Are you fond of Broadway musicals?

Leela: Some

(The being shifts back to his real form: a humanoid with green skin.)

Man: Perfect! You can take my daughter to Evita!

Fry: They're still performing that?

Amy: It's the Thirty-first century edition.

Leela: But I thought you were leaving tonight.

Man: I am. But my daughter's decided to stay another two weeks. Anyway, she'll meet you here in two hours or so. Who should she ask for?

Leela: Toronga Leela.

Man: Alright then, Toronga. Thank you very much, and consider yourself forgiven.

(He leaves.)

Scene: Later that night.

(Amy, Bender and Fry are sweeping up a bunch of M&M's off the floor.)

Amy: (annoyed) Tell me again why there are M&M's all over the floor.

Fry: I wanted to know if it was true that they didn't melt in your hands, so I squeezed them really hard and they shot out and got on the floor.

(Amy rolls her eyes. Leela runs in frantically.)

Amy: Shouldn't you be ready to go?

Leela: Never mind that. What's everybody doing tonight?

Amy: Date.

Bender: "Bewitched" marathon.

Fry: Nothing.

Leela: (fake) Omigod! I love you!

Fry: (believing her) Really? (shouting) If anybody needs something from the broom closet, get it now! It will not be open the rest of the evening!

Leela: (ignoring him) You have to take that guy's daughter to the theater!

Fry: No way! I'm not taking some immature fifteen-year-old to a dumb old musical.

Leela: (pleading) Please?

Fry: No.

Leela: But I have to go pick up Nibbler from the vet!

Fry: So, pick him up afterward.

Leela: It closes half an hour from now. Please go?

Fry: (arms crossed) The answer is no.

(Leela pulls him into deep-kiss mode.)

Fry: (dazed) Forget everything I just said.

Girl: (OS) Hullo?

(She walks on-screen and we can see that she's a green-skinned brunette with a British accent. She's also very much soaked.)

Girl: Hullo, I'm Elisabeth Saxon. I'm here to meet Toronga Leela.

Leela: That'd be me. But I'm afraid I can't go.

Elisabeth: (changing into her Being of Inconceivable Horror form) Boy, this is just great! I walk all the way here in the pouring rain, only to find out that me (finger quotes) "chaperone" can't go. Well, thank you for your time.

(She heads for the door.)

Leela: Wait!

Elisabeth: What? Is there more bad news? Has my flight been re-scheduled two weeks in advance?

Leela: You can still go. Fry'll take you.

(She shoves Fry forward.)

Fry: Um... hey. What up?

Elisabeth: (humanoid form) That's so sweet of you! But the show starts soon. We shound go.

(She loops her arm around Fry's, smiling brightly. He's not so thrilled.)

Fry: Uh... okay. See ya, Leela.

Leela: Bye. And thank you.

(Elisabeth and Fry walk out. When Leela turns around, Amy and Bender are giving her "Looks".)

Leela: What?

Bender: Oh, like you don't know.

Leela: You're not saying...

Amy: We won't say it, at least not out loud.

Leela: Well, before you get any crazy ideas, I was just trying to convince him to go.

Bender: Sure.

Amy: But do you think that was such a good idea?

Leela: (shrugging) I've kissed him before, you know.

Amy: I meant sending him off with Elisabeth.

Leela: Why wouldn't it be?

Amy: Never mind. I have to meet Kif.

(Amy leaves. Bender follows, but stops in front of Leela.)

Bender: Remember, if anything happens between them, it's your fault, skintube.

Leela: (alone in the room) That's stupid. There's no way they have any kind of chemistry... (unsure) Or is there?

Scene: Next morning.

(Everyone is seated at the conference table, with one notable exception. Leela is pacing back and forth, obviously waiting earnestly for Fry to show up. She thinks outloud, if only to reassure that he'll be there.)

Leela: (worried tone) He's definitely going to be here. He's just running late. Yes, that's it. His alarm clock probably just broke.

Bender: Yeah, well, think what you want. All's I know is that he didn't come back to the apartment last night.

Leela: Shut up! You're going to make me worried!

Bender: As if you weren't already.

Leela: (trying to act cool) You think I was?

Amy: G'uh! Earth to Leela - we all know you have feelings for him.

Leela: No, I don't! I, um... am just worried that it'll lead him to continue to show up late for work and get fired.

Bender: Right.

(Leela rolls her eye and sighs. A few silent seconds pass.)

Leela: I bet there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this and he'll call soon.

(As if on cue, Amy's cell rings. She answers it.)

Amy: (into the phone) Hello?

Spooky voice on the other end: Do you like scary movies?

Amy: (angry) Are you that stupid salesman again? I already told you I'm not interested in buying the "Scream" boxed set.

(She hangs up. Instantly, it rings again.)

Amy: (into the phone) Hello?

Voice on the other end: Aw, c'mon. Just buy one old set for your pal Gil here!

Amy: (annoyed) No! I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you a thousand times! No way! *She begins cussing him out in Cantonese*

(She hangs up. It rings once more.)

Amy: (into the phone) No, I don't like scary movies! Quit calling me!...Fry? You're on Venus?

Leela: I knew he'd call! (confused) But Venus? (stern) When he gets back, he's gonna get some lip.

Scene: Leela's Mind.

(She's standing in front of Fry, lecturing him.)

Leela: (strict) Philip J. Fry, how on earth could you be so irresponsible?! Here I was, all worried that something terrible had happened to you, and then I find out you were on Venus, probably blind-stinking drunk!

(Cut back to Amy on the phone.)

Fry: (on the phone) But don't-

Amy: (off the phone) Omigod, you guys! He's on Venus with Elisabeth!

Fry: (on the phone) Tell Leela.

(Everyone's shocked, but Leela's face hardens into an upset expression.)

Leela: (angry) Let me talk to him!

Fry: (hurridly on the phone) Gotta go. See ya in a couple of days.

Amy: He hung up.

Leela: (angry) That irresponsible, stupid, inconsiderate-

Hermes: Look, Leela. We all know that you and Fry *PAUSE* have some kind of chemistry. And that's perfectly okay. A little flirting never hurt anybody. But, don't you think it's a bit selfish to get upset now that he's found someone? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is just a fling. But whatever it is, you had your chance and you let it pass you by. There was a time when he loved you and after seeing how you rejected him, he moved on. You should too.

(Leela opens her mouth to say something, but she bites her lip and gets all misty-eyed. She leaves the room without saying anything.)

Amy: (disapproving) How could you say that to her? You know he's still in love with her and now she finally feels the same way. All they needed was time.

Hermes: I think Fry's absence is getting to all of us. Why don't we take the rest of the day off?

Bender: I thought this day would never come! The slavedriver's giving us a day off! See ya, losers!

(He walks out whistling. Amy approaches Hermes, obviously upset for her friend.)

Amy: (threatening) Don't you dare say anything more to her. You've done enough.

Hermes: Are you threatening me?

Amy: (casually) No, I'm advising you.

(She leaves.)

Scene: Thursday morning in Leela's apt.

(Leela's laying in bed, holding a framed picture from Fear of A Bot Planet.)

SFX: Doorbell.

Leela: Come in.

(She sets the picture back on her nightstand. Amy comes in.)

Amy: Hey.

Leela: Hey yourself.

Amy: So, you gonna muster up the courage to come to work today?

Leela: I don't know.

Amy: Oh, come on.

Leela: Why? It's not like I can face him.

(Amy smiles.)

Amy: (smug) Did you finally decide how you feel about him?

Leela: Would you please just leave me alone? It's not enough that I have to face the facts that this is all my fault, is it? You have to rub it in my face that I wish I'd just gone to the stupid theater, don't you?

Amy: What do you mean: this is all your fault?

Leela: The same way every kind of entanglement is my fault.

Amy: Don't tell me you blame yourself for every time he's... (looking into her face) You do?

(Leela nods.)

Amy: Wow. You must feel terrible then.

Leela: Yeah. I get so angry sometimes.

Amy: (smirking) Even when it was me and him?

Leela: (upset) Especially then. If I had just gone with you in your-

Amy: Okay. Okay. Let's not get too worked up.

Leela: Sorry.

Amy: It's okay. But just think about it, Leela. Just like every other relationship he's ever been in, this one's going to fail.

Leela: But if you say "every", that includes... (softly) well, us.

Amy: Yes, but those did fail. I didn't say that your next was going to... although there's a good possibility.

Leela: Hey!

Amy: Sorry, just a tang of jealousy there.

Leela: What?!

Amy: Only kidding. But eventually, everything will work out for you two. And I promise you, this relationship will end. Soon. So, whaddya say we get going and help speed along the break-up process?

Leela: Thanks. I'll see you in about an hour.

Amy: K. See ya!

Scene: Later on the street.

(Leela is walking to PE. She accidently bumps into someone.)

Leela: Oh, excuse me.

Scene: PE Lounge.

(Everyone is seated. Including Fry, who's arm is wrapped around Elisabeth's shoulder.)

Fry: So, you're saying Leela hasn't been here the past two days?

Amy: (lying) I think she caught a cold.

Bender: Yeah, a green cold.

Elisabeth: What?

Amy: Never mind him. He's malfunctioning.

Bender: I could say the same about Leela, skintube.

(Leela walks in.)

Leela: (smiling) Hi, Fry.

Fry: Hey.

Leela: (coldly) Elisabeth.

Elisabeth: (Equally as cold) Leela.

Leela: (coldly) Won't you excuse me for a moment? I think I'm going to go projectile vomit.

(She walks out of the room.)

Fry: I'm gonna go see what's up.

(He kisses Elisabeth as he gets up. Everyone looks on, disgusted. He leaves the room.)

Bender: (to Amy) That was disturbing.

Elisabeth: I'm gonna go freshen up.

(She smiles arrogantly and throws her hair back, before walking out of the room.)

Amy: (under her breath) Fur-reek.

Scene: Leela's quarters on the ship.

(Leela is standing at her sink, washing her face. Her eye is puffy; she's obviously been crying. She hears a knock at the door.)

Leela: (wiping her face with a towel) Come in.

(Fry comes in.)

Leela: Oh, hi.

Fry: Hi.

(They remain aloof for a moment, not knowing what to say.)

Fry: Um... I came in here to talk to you about something.

Leela: Okay. Shoot.

Fry: Well, I wanted to talk about Elisabeth.

Leela: (coldly) What about her?

Fry: You sounded kinda mad a couple days ago.

Leela: Well, it was unbelievably and completely irresponsible of you to go running off with some... some weird... thing while every one else is worried sick.

Fry: Guess I should of thought more about it before I went.

Leela: Yes, you should have.

Fry: But anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings between us. I know we weren't on the best terms before it happened.

Leela: No, I'm fine with it. Perfectly fine. The way you say it, it sounds like you expect me to have feelings for you or something.

Fry: Well, kinda.

Leela: (cooly) Well, I don't, okay? There's no way I could seriously be "over you", since we never really were together, right?

Fry: Okay. Just making sure. 'Cos if you had done the same thing I did, I know I'd be really mad.

(Leela picks up some lipstick and fakes applying it in the mirror.)

Fry: You don't... hate Elisabeth, do you?

(Upon hearing Elisabeth's name, Leela's eye narrows and she grips the lipstick. It promptly melts.)

Leela: (fake) No! Of course not.... Now, um, if you don't mind?

Fry: Oh yeah. Sorry. Guess I'll see you later.

(He exits the room. Leela waits a few seconds after he leaves, before she sighs and breaks down at the mirror.)

Scene: Later that day.

(Leela is walking out the door, when Fry runs up.)

Fry: Hey! Where're you going?

Leela: Nowhere. Why?

Fry: 'Cos I figured we could go get something to eat.

Leela: Sorry. I have to go meet someone. Maybe some other time.

Fry: Oh, um... okay. See ya, then.

Leela: Bye.

(She leaves. Fry sighs. Elisabeth walks up and grabs Fry's arm.)

Elisabeth: C'mon. You can come eat with me.

Fry: Um... okay.

(He sighs and gazes longingly after Leela.)

Scene: PE Lounge, the next day.

(Amazingly, the only two people in the room are Amy and Bender.)

Bender: (Like Archie Bunker) If you ask me, it's moider foi the boith of them. At least, for me it is. Fry and Elisabeth were watchin' some sappy chick flick last noight, and by the toime I got the TV, all that wois on wois "All in the Family". You know, how Edith annoys me.

Amy: This is so weird. I mean, Fry's going out with Elisabeth and Leela's with some guy. But weirdest of all, I don't have a date.

Part Two: "Always There"

"I recognize the way
You make me feel.
It's hard to think that
You might not be real.
I sense it now
The water's going deep
I try to wash the pain
away from me,
Away from me.

'Cos you're everywhere to me
When I close my eyes,
it's you I see
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone.
"

Everywhere - Michelle Branch

 

Setting: Elzar's

(Fry and Elisabeth are seated at one table while Leela and a man in his late twenties are at another. The man is talking, but Leela's hardly listening: she's watching Fry and Elisabeth.)

Man: And so then Jim tells me 'you're sitting on it'! (he starts laughing) And it turns out they got me a boot-leg tape of Enterprise for my birthday. Only it's illegal to have any copies of a Star Trek series so I- Uh, Leela?

(Leela turns around.)

Leela: Oh, yeah. Sorry, just kinda distracted.

Man: I know how that can be. I've been distracted too, lately. I recently went through a bad divorce.

Leela: (turned around again) Oh, uh huh.

Man: Of course, I'm sure you have a better reason for being distracted.

Leela: Well...

Man: My divorce isn't that big of a deal.

Leela: Well, the reason I'm distracted is....I, uh, divorced a couple months ago.

Man: Really? Me too. Did I mention that I was recently divorced?

Leela: (turned around) No, I don't think so.

Man: Oh. Well, I was. Divorced six months ago. But I try not to let it rule my life.

Leela: (turned around, fake) Really?

Man: Yes. I was married for five years when my wife left me. She said I obsessed over her.

Leela: (turned around, fake) Oh.

Man: Her name was Sakura Evangelion. It means "Angelic Cherry Blossom". That's what she was. A perfect angel. Her birthday was January 10th. That means her sign was Capricorn. Her favorite TV show was Fluffy the Monster Slaughterer. And her favorite actress was Farrah Noel Kellar. I remember what her favorite song was, too. It was Lady Marmalade.

Leela: Hmm.

Man: She really liked the movie The Mexican. And her favorite outfit was a lavendar evening gown. She wore it the night we met. The night we fell in love. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. We danced twelve times and then she pulled me into her apartment when I walked her home. That was the best night of my life.

Leela: Erm. How...nice.

Man: You know, Leela. You're the only woman who hasn't said I'm obsessed with old wife. You don't think I am, do you?

Leela: No. Of course not.

Man: I feel like we've really connected.

Leela: (turned around) Uh huh, yeah.

Man: So whadda you say we go out again next week?

Leela: (glancing over at Elisabeth, jealousy imprinted on her face.) Of course.

(Cut-to Fry's POV. He sighs while watching Leela. Aww.....)

 

Scene: Next day at PE.

(Everyone is sitting in the lounge, including Elisabeth and the guy Leela went out with the previous night.)

Leela: Amy, Bender, Fry...Elisabeth-

Elisabeth: (fake cordiality) Leela.

Leela: (ignoring her) This is my new boyfriend, Steven. (Yah, I know. What an insult to my BF. But it's all good! ;) )

Steven: Hi. Nice to meet you all.

Amy: (brushing her bangs aside) Hi, I'm Amy. (batting her eyes) Leela's told me soooooo much about you. (whispering to Leela) Smeesh, Leela. Where'd you get him? If he's any indication of all the other guys, I wanna move there!

Leela: (whispering to Amy) Am-Y! You're going out with Kif!

Amy: Oh, right. Right.

Bender: (to Steven, putting out his palm) Put 'er there, chump!

(Steven shakes his hand.)

Bender: (whipping out a pad and pencil) So...what's your yearly income? Got any credit cards?

Steven: Well, as a matter of fact-

Leela: Bender!

Elisabeth: Hullo, I'm Elisabeth.

Steven: Oh right. The bi-um, witch-er, girl who's going out with Fry. Leela told me all about you. So, your father's the entrepeneur of Saxon Saturnese Oil Co.?

Elisabeth: I don't know about being the enterpeneur of it, but I know he started it and owns it. It's only the largest oil firm in the galaxy. We've got more oil in our house than all of Pluto.

Leela: (fakes laugh) How...quaint.

Steven: (to Fry) And you must be Leela's best friend.

Fry: (shamelessly) Yeah, that'd be me.

Steven: Leela never stops talking about you-

Leela: Stev-en

Steven: You'd think she was in lo-

Leela: Okay, you know what? I think it's time for you to go, Steven?

Steven: But I-

Leela: (pushing him out) You can't be late for work. Love ya. See ya. Bye!

(She pushes him out the door.)

Elisabeth: (Looking at her watch) I should go, too. I have to meet some friends of mine at the mall.

(Leela rolls her eye. Elisabeth kisses Fry as Bender makes gagging noises in the background.)

Elisabeth: Bye! See you later!

Leela: See ya. Come back when I feel like vomitting again.

Elisabeth: Pfft.

(She leaves.)

Fry: What is wrong with you guys?

Bender: I think you're the one with something wrong. That Elisabeth's young enough to be your little sister.

Fry: Can't you at least be happy for me?

Leela: Hey, when's her birthday? I haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese in years.

Amy: Ooh! Touche!...Ooh! I've got one! No wait, I just lost it.

Fry: She's twenty-two, okay?

Leela: So? There's a thousand-and-five reasons why you shouldn't be going out with her!

Amy: I got it! What is she? Six?

Bender: Hey! You just got that from last night's Friends!

Amy: How would you know?

Bender: Uh, no reason...Now, you didn't hear nothing...

Fry: (angrily to Leela) You know what? I think you're just jealous!

Leela: (angrily) Why would I be jealous of a spoiled brat like Elisabeth?

Fry: 'Cos she has more than you'll ever have!

Leela: (sarcastic) Oh, boo-hoo. I have to walk to the bathroom by myself!

Fry: At least she has a family!

Leela: (dead serious) Don't you ever mention that.

Fry: Why? 'Cos I might hurt your feelings? Fat chance.

Leela: At least I have feelings! I'm not an insensitive, poor, schmoe!

Fry: Are you implying that I don't have feelings?

Leela: I think that was an obvious affirmitive.

Fry: Well, you're wrong! Why don't you try being rejected by the only person you've ever really loved, twice!

Leela: Yeah, well, I'm half-way there!

Fry: What's that supposed to mean? Is the self-righteous captain starting to wish she ended up with the stupid delivery boy!

Leela: What do you care? You've got some other object now!

Fry: Can't you at least be sympathetic? You know that in a couple of weeks she'll be gone!

Leela: Great. I can't wait. Maybe then you'll come back to the one who really cares!

Fry: I'd rather live the rest of my life alone. The spoiled brat's nicer than you ever were!

Leela: You know, I hope you marry Elisabeth. And when you have kids, I hope they get her arrogant disposition and your fat mouth!

Fry: That is it! I am never speaking to you again!

Leela: Strike Two. We're even.

Fry: From now on, we're just co-workers!

Leela: Typical selfish pig.

Fry: Remind me just what I saw in you anyway!

Leela: Same here. I'll never understand why I married you in the first place!

Fry: I wish I'd never written that stupid love note in the sky!

Leela: You can say that again! Once for each time...

Fry: I wish I'd never-Wait! (disbelieving) You saw?

Leela: You better believe I saw! Do you know how hard it was for me to see you write that twice and then just push it behind? I bet you never felt that way at all!

Fry: That's not true. I-

Leela: Oh, it's not? Then explain the Liubot, Elisabeth, and even your own grandmother! What kind of idiot are you?

Fry: Obviously a big one. I fell for you! I wish I'd never fallen into that stupid tube! Maybe then you would've found some loser, rather than deal with me!

Leela:(softly) I-

Fry: At least then I wouldn't have any regrets!

(Leela looks downcast.)

Fry: Huh?

Leela: (hurt) Three strikes, you're out.

(She runs out of the room.)

Amy: Geez, out of all of us, Leela was the last person I'd expect to go all Jennifer Love Hewitt on you.

(Fry falls down onto the couch.)

Fry: (disdainfully) What've I done?

Bender: More than needed, meatbag.

Fry: I can't believe I did that to her...

Bender: Eh, she deserved it.

Amy: Bender!

Bender: What?

Fry: Amy's right. I had no right to treat Leela like that. True, she may have rejected and humiliated me to the point of mass murder and suicide, but she really was the only girl I ever-

Bender: Aincha bein' a little hard on yourself, skintube? I mean, even if you had been nicer, what makes ya think she wouldn't of rejected you?

Fry: I guess.

Amy: You're both wrong! She doesn't want things this way!

Bender: (ignoring her) Now, I think you should take Leela's advice. Marry Elisabeth and have your spoiled, Julia-mouthed kids. Really, it's the least you can do after rejecting her three times.

Fry: Well...Elisabeth is the only girl who hasn't shoved me out on the sidewalk.

Amy: I have to go meet Kif. But, you're making a big mistake if you ask me, Fry. Just remember who you had feelings for first.

Fry: You mean Suzy McAllister in first grade?

(Amy pulls an electronic device out of her purse.)

Amy: If you ever feel unsure again, just listen to this and I think you'll see who was the right choice.

(Fry sticks it in his pocket. Amy walks toward the door.)

Fry: But how did you know about Suzy? Martians aren't psychic, are they?

(Amy shakes her head ruefully and walks out.)

Amy: Fry, Leela loves you, but you can be a real jerk sometimes.

Part Three: "How Leela Loves/Hates Fry"

"I hate you
I love you
Leave
Don't Go Away.
I can't decide if I like your face
Or if I wish it would stray.

You're a child but you're malicious.
You're sweet but don't remember my name.
Heads you win and tails I'm lost.
Love equals pain.

I am drifting without an anchor
Through your ambiguous reign,
A strange continent immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by your grey matter.
"

- Grey Matter by Jewel

Scene: the local NNYC "7 to the 11th exponent" (Sorry, I don't know how to type it out!).

(Leela is walking down one of the aisles. She passes a shelf stocked with "Soylent Cola", "Diet Slurm with Lemon" and "Crossroads Coke", which features a particular blonde pop star on the front. She stops to grab a six-pack of "Chai Tea: now with more caffeine!" and reaches for a magazine titled "Singular and Opinionated Monthly".)

Leela: (looking at the magazine) Ooh! "How to Effectively Send Yourself Flowers on V-Day While Displaying Your Lack of Dependence on the Opposite Sex"!

(She looks down from the magazine to gaze at the multitude of typical female-faire publications. She sighs as she reads the names of different articles.)

Leela: "Making it a Day to Remember", "Will He Pop the Question?", "How to Effectively Receive Flowers and Stress Your Dependence on the Opposite Sex"…Ugh. Don't these magazines realize not all women are senseless bimbos who'll do anything for a man? I mean, I'm spending Valentine's Day pining over someone and you don't see me rushing for the nearest article about getting his atten- Hey!

(She snatches up a pink magazine and reads the cover.)

Leela: "Make Sure He Knows You're Interested", "The Art of Dating a Co-Worker", "How to Break Them Up"! It's perfect!

(She sticks it in her basket and runs up to the counter where the clerk is on the phone.)

Clerk: I told you, sweetie: we can't go to Mars for Valentine's Day! There's a line of people winding around all the aisles-

(Cut to behind Leela, the only one in line. A lone tumbleweed rolls by.)

Clerk: I'm telling you, business is really swelling…I don't care if it's the red planet!

(Off-screen, someone comes in the door. Leela, impatient, begins thumbing through her magazine.)

Fry: (walking on-screen) Uh…hey, Leela.

Leela: (looking up, surprised) Oh! Um…hi, Fry! (Looking back down at the mag, reading) When speaking to your prospect, greet him cheerily and pay a compliment. (Looking at Fry) How are you? You look…nice…today.

Fry: (Confused) Uh, thanks. You too.

Leela: (happy) Really? I mean, thank you. (Pause) So, what are you here for?

Fry: Nothing much. Just picking up some Saturn-2-0 for Lizzie. You?

Leela: (At a loss for words, giggling nervously) Oh, you know, just…buying energy booster tea.

Fry: (rummaging through the back-wall fridge) Yeah? That sounds like you. You know, Lizzie says it's just Slurm mixed with milk.

Leela: (anxious) You don't say?

Fry: Yup. And she also said Slim Fast is a flavored-laxative. She sure is bright, huh?

Leela: Oh, most definitely.

(Awkward silence.)

Fry: Um, Leela?

Leela: Yes?

Fry: I had something I wanted to ask you, but I'm afraid I'll blow it.

Leela: (Anticipating his response) I'm listening.

Fry: Okay, here goes…how can you tell when you're in love?

Leela: (dreamy) Mm…when you can't bear to be apart from them and you'd do anything for them and even if you know you don't deserve them, you still feel the same way…

Fry: Thanks.

Leela: (Still dreamy) Don't mention it.

Fry: I've really been trying to figure out how I feel about…Lizzie, if you know what I mean.

Leela: (disappointed) Oh.

Fry: Also, I wanted to apologize for those awful things I said last week. It was totally uncalled for. (holding out hand) Friends?

Leela: (Sad) Friends.

(She shakes his hand.)

Leela: (letting go) I really have to go. See you at work!

(She dashes out.)

Clerk: (on phone) Fine. Go with Brian, like I care. Bye.

(He hangs up the phone.)

Clerk: Hey! That freak just ran outta here without paying!

Fry: Here, I'll pay for whatever she "bought". And she's not a freak.

Clerk: Then what is she, huh?

Fry: She's the only girl I've ever- (defensive) She's my best friend, okay?

(He hands over the cash for both purchases and smiles as he gazes the way she left.)

Clerk: Whatever you say, Lover Boy.

 

Scene: Leela's apartment.

(Uh, note about this scene: I wrote Part Two before I saw Leela's Homeworld, which is why I mentioned her not having a family. Disregard that. Just forget I ever wrote it and this next scene'll work like clockwork, K?)

(Leela is sprawled out on her bed, writing in her journal.)

Leela: (narrating) Dear Journal, sometimes I can't believe the stupid things I do. I know that sounds like it should be coming out of Homer Simpson's mouth rather than mine, but I'm being honest. I totally acted out of turn with Fry this afternoon. I can't believe I let myself blubber like that. Who would ever have thought that love could make you do such idiotic things?

Voice: (OS) Did I just hear my daughter use the word 'love'?

Leela: (freaked out) N-no. Of course not. 'Love' isn't even part of my vocabulary…

(She climbs off the bed and down onto the floor to peer into the air shaft where she sees her mother.)

Munda: Because I could swear I heard you say 'Fry' and 'love' in the same paragraph…

Leela: (whining) Mo-om! Do you have to show up unannounced?

Munda: So it must be wrong for me to want to look out for my little girl?

Leela: No, it's just that…well…

Munda: You think I'm totally clueless about your love life? ::chuckles::

Leela: Well, I did. Right up until you laughed.

Munda: Sweetie, I know you're in love wi- well, "have feelings" for Fry…

Leela: (surprised) You do? How? I didn't write about him in my diary, did I?

Munda: No, I just know these things. It's in the way you speak to him when you talk on the phone, the way you tried desperately to get rid of any memory that he loved you, the way you looked at him when he reunited us, the serene way you breathed when he placed his hand on your shoulder to comfort you. It's everywhere. And you've become a slave to your denial.

Leela: There's no way in hel-heck that you could tell I loved him - if I loved him - from all those things.

Munda: Believe me, I can. I acted the exact same way when I first fell in love.

 

Fade to: Xavier High School circa 2965.

(Munda is walking down the hall, talking to another girl resembling Celia from "Monsters Inc.", only the girl has three eyes instead of one…)

Girl: So, then Robert says he can't go with me to the dance 'cos he's already going with Francesca.

Munda: No way! That's terrible.

Girl: I know! Guys are such jerks.

Munda: Totally, Kate.

(The two walk by Maurice, who has long hair, a la Homer Simpson in The Way We Was, at the drinking fountain. He catches jumps up as they pass by and runs in front of them.)

Maurice: Uh, hi…you.

Kate: She has a name, dork.

Maurice: Um…would you go to the dance with me, please?

Munda: Uh….well, you're really nice and all, but I just….am allergic to dancing.

Maurice: Really? Me too! I figured we could just hang out by the punch bowl and talk and stuff…

Munda: Can't. I'm allergic to punch too. Sorry.

Maurice: Oh. Okay. I guess I'll see you around then.

(He walks off looking dejected.)

Kate: You didn't have to be so nice to the weirdo. It's not your fault he needs a face-lift.

Fade back to: Leela's apartment.

 

Leela: Wow. Dad was really the reject, wasn't he?

Munda: Well, kind of.

Leela: So how did you end up together?

Munda: We both went to the prom alone and he caught me by the punch bowl.

Leela: Ouch.

Munda: You can say that again.

Leela: I bet he felt terrible.

Munda: We both did at first, but we started talking and by the end of the night we were…well, never mind.

Leela: (smiling) Were you…I mean, was it….

Munda: Well, I can definitely say it wasn't as far as you and the world's biggest windbag.

Leela: Does everyone in the entire universe know about that?

Munda: In the lower one at least.

Leela: If I could travel back in time, I'd stay locked up in my cell that night…and go to the musical with Elisabeth…

Munda: We've all made mistakes, sweetie. But I think you might be able to change things this time.

Leela: How? I mean, even though I do - erm, if I did love him, I can hardly stand him anymore. He's swooning over me one minute and down on the floor with some shape-shifter the next.

Munda: Turanga, if there's one thing I learned from dating the quarterback during my junior year, it's that guys are always going to be attracted to other women, but as long as you put out quickly, they'll stick around.

Leela: Mom!

Munda: Uh, did I just say that out-loud? I meant, don't put out! Not till you're good and married!

Leela: You mean you waited that long with Dad?

Munda: Hey! I'm not on trial here!

Leela: I know. But what can I do to change what's up with Lizzie and Fry?

Munda: Turanga, I can't promise it'll work or that the two of you will end up as soul mates, but I will say this: just be honest. Tell him exactly how you feel. If he's the same sweet guy who wrote you that letter expressing his feelings, he'll still be just as in love with you as before.

Leela: I hope it works.

Munda: Me too.

(Leela and her mother embrace, a couple tears tricking down both their cheeks.)

 

Scene: Fry and Bender's apartment.

(Fry and Elisabeth are sitting on the couch watching a sappy Julia Roberts movie, Love is Nice.)

Lizzie: I love this movie. I first saw it when I was fourteen and I've been in love with it ever since.

Fry: Yeah, it's, um…nice.

Lizzie: What're you so nervous about?

Fry: Nothing! I'm not nervous! Who said I'm nervous?

Lizzie: (smiling) You're so sweet.

(She kisses him on the cheek and gazes into his eyes.)

Lizzie: I love you.

Fry: You do? I've never heard that from anyone before in my life! I mean, I love you too!

Lizzie: Really?

Fry: Why wouldn't I?

Lizzie: (hugging him) I'm so glad you took me to the musical instead of Leela…

Fry: (saddened, quietly) Leela…

Lizzie: I don't think she'd be much of a lover…

Fry: Look, Lizzie, there's something I've been wanting to ask you…

Lizzie: Yes?

Fry: Elisabeth, the past two weeks have been some of the happiest of my life.

Lizzie: Mine too.

Fry: So…will you marry me?

Kid in the movie: Radical!

Lizzie: Yes! Yes I will!

Usher in movie: Is that your final answer?

Lizzie: Yes! Yes it is! I love you!

(The two hug and kiss and, well…let's skip to the next scene.)

 

Scene: Planet Express, the next day.

(Bender, Amy, Cubert, Hermes and the professor are in the lounge watching All My Circuits.)

Monique: Calculon, I must tell you…

Calculon: What is it, my love?

Monique: I…I can't marry you. For, I'm in love with-

Calculon: With who???

Monique: With, with…Tara-bot!

(She sobs.)

Calculon: Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Out in the hall, Leela is pacing back and forth.)

Leela: Fry, I love you! No, too strong….Fry, I really like you. Too childish. God, I can't do this…

(Just then, Fry and Elisabeth come running in.)

Fry: We have an announcement to make!

Lizzie: We're getting married!

(Everyone gasps.)

Leela: (entering the lounge) You're, you're what?

(Fry looks back at her and sees her hurt face.)

Lizzie: (smirking) Getting married.

(Tears begin to form in her eye, but she bites her lip to hold them back.)

Fry: Leela, I-

Leela: (holding back tears) Why are we just standing around talking? You're getting married, for God's sake!

Amy: Leela, you know-

Leela: (interrupting) Isn't that just spit-on-your-neck, kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic?

(Silence.)

Lizzie: Of course! I'm so happy! (smirking) I hope there are no hard feelings between us…

Leela: None whatsoever. In fact, to show I'm completely and totally over Fry, I'm throwing you guys a party!

 

Scene: Later that evening.

(The lounge is decorated with pink and purple streamers everywhere. A long banner is hung on the wall saying, "Congratulations Fry and Elisabeth". We can clearly see that 'Elisabeth' is written over a crossed-out 'Evil Bitch'. Everyone is dressed up. Leela is talking to Elisabeth, who is holding a martini.)

Leela: So, you've been going out how long?

Lizzie: Two weeks for the umpteenth time.

Leela: Hm…only fifty-six weeks less than the time Fry spent infatuated with me. What a coincidence.

Lizzie: Look, freak. He picked me over you. That's not my fault. So I'd advise you to back off, okay? Unless you want to go blind.

(Fry walks up to them.)

Fry: Ah. My two favorite ladies talking civilly to each other.

Lizzie: (fake) Nice outfit, Leela.

Fry: (oblivious to the hate in the room) Carry on.

(He wanders off.)

Leela: Thanks, Lizzie.

Lizzie: Early Halloween is such a good look on you.

Leela: You too. Except, when I dress up like a British bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

Lizzie: Bite me. This ain't a Harvard party, sweetheart. And my fiancée isn't calling you Pooh Bear.

Leela: He will when I'm through with him.

Lizzie: Look, if you do anything to wreck my wedding, I swear to God, my father will run this company into the ground. You'll be out of a job, little Miss Captain. And Fry will come crawling back to…Oh, not you. Me.

Leela: You know, if I learn anything from this experience, I hope it's that being a slutty, back-stabbing shape shifter is the one thing I don't want to be, married or not.

Lizzie: At least I'm not a fur-reek like you.

Leela: Ever looked in a mirror?

Lizzie: Yes. And it's perfect. But you already knew that…(whispering) Mutant.

(Leela looks at her, stunned.)

Leela: Is it perfect before or after it breaks?

(She walks out onto the balcony.)

Leela: Ugh! I can't believe her!

Fry: What'd she do?

Leela: (startled) Oh, Fry! I didn't know you were there.

Fry: (chuckling) You don't know how many times it felt that way to me last year.

Leela: I know you like her, but Elisabeth isn't so sweet to me.

Fry: She made an eye comment, didn't she?

Leela: Oh, much worse.

Fry: Like what?

Leela: Like insulting my family, calling me a mutant…I don't understand what you see in her.

Fry: Neither do I…

Leela: I'm sorry. Here I am complaining about the woman you're going to marry. (softly) You must really love her…

Fry: Well, it must be something…

Leela: Can I axe you something kind of personal?

Fry: Axe away.

Leela: Well…when did you stop feeling the same way about me?

Fry: (turning to her) Leela…

(He caresses her face with his hand.)

Fry: Even if I have feelings for someone else, I can never fully stop feeling the same way about you…

(The two are close enough to kiss now.)

Leela: Because today I was going to tell you that I-

Amy: There you are!

(Fry pulls away from Leela.)

Amy: We're putting on some music. You and Elisabeth have to share your first dance now that you're engaged.

Fry: Uh, okay. See you inside, Leela.

Leela: Um…bye, I guess.

(She looks downcast as he walks out.)

Amy: Buck up, Leela.

Leela: I almost…We almost…

(She begins to cry.)

Amy: Hey, I'm here for you, okay?

(Leela nods.)

Amy: I'm gonna go inside now, you wanna come with?

Leela: No, I'm okay.

Amy: You sure?

Leela: Yeah, I just need some time alone.

Amy: K.

(She walks into the building and squeals with delight.)

Amy: Kif!

(The door shuts and Leela is left alone with her thoughts.)

Leela: (Flopping down onto the floor) Why do I ever listen to my heart? It's never done a thing for me…

(Savage Garden's "Gunning Down Romance" plays as she sighs and hugs herself, shivering out in the cold.)

Part Four: "And That's the End of that Chapter"

"If I hold my breath
If I shut my eyes
If I disappear
Just for the afternoon
If I can't help shouting
If I lock you out
If it's not important
Completely unimportant
To anyone else but me
We could still belong together.
And together is much better.
We're okay
So hey
Don't worry now
Oh wow.
"

We Could Still Belong Together - by Lisa Loeb

 

Scene: Back at Leela's apartment after the party.

(Leela is in her pink nightgown, sobbing into her pillow.)

Leela: It's not fair!

Morris: (OS) What's not fair?

(Leela looks down at the airshaft.)

Leela: Noth- *SOB*- ing.

Morris: Trust me, something's wrong. What is it?

Leela: You and mom sure have a way of showing up at the most awkward times…

Morris: (smiling) It's just part of being a parent. And we have to make up for twenty-seven years of not bugging you.

(Leela's sobs begin to soften.)

Morris: Sweetie, tell me. What were you crying about?

Leela: Um…did Mom tell you about how I…have feelings for Fry?

Morris: She didn't have to. I already knew.

Leela: Oh.

Morris: So what's up?

Leela: Well, I talked about it with Mom and she said I should tell him how I felt, so he wouldn't think I hated him or anything, and right as I was about to tell him, he and Elisabeth came running in and said they were getting married.

Morris: (sympathetic) Oh, sweetheart…

Leela: It just isn't fair! I thought he loved me!

Morris: How do you know he doesn't?

Leela: Why else would he be marrying Elisabeth?

Morris: Sometimes people do strange things when they're heart-broken, pumpkin.

Leela: Heart-broken? Him? I'm the one he yelled at after telling him I had feelings for him.

Morris: Oh, c'mon. You must've said something else. He wouldn't yell at you for nothing.

Leela: Well…I did say some pretty mean things to him…Oh, God. It's all my fault!

(She sobs even louder.)

Morris: Hey, it's gonna be okay. I was rejected by your mother and look at us now. Who says you and Fry won't end up together?

Leela: Well, Elisabeth for one.

Morris: Screw her! Do you think he really loves her as much as he loves you?

Leela: I don't know. She's not completely misfortunate looking.

Morris: And you are? Turanga, remember when the Omicronians showed up and you were almost sacrificed to their leader?

Leela: Yeah. What about it?

Morris: There was a newspaper article about it. And in it, Fry said something very poignant about you.

Leela: What was it?

Morris: He said, "I know I don't deserve be on the same pedestal as her, but if I could have one wish, I would be sacrificed instead of her. There will never be anyone as perfect as Turanga Leela, and a world without her wouldn't be a world worth living in."

Leela: He really said that?

Morris: He did. Turanga, he loves you. He may not realize it, but marrying Elisabeth is about the biggest mistake he could ever make.

Leela: There's no way I can persuade him not to.

Morris: It might not be obvious now, but eventually it will be. You'll find a way, sweetie. You always do.

Leela: Thanks Dad.

Morris: Anytime.

(Leela pulls up the covers and snuggles into bed.)

Leela: G'night, Dad.

Morris: 'Night, sweetheart.

Leela: (yawning) I love you.

Morris: I love you too.

(He pulls the covers closer to her and strokes her hair.)

Morris: I love you too…

 

Scene: The next day at Planet Express.

(Zoidberg is sitting at the table. Amy and Fry standing up. She's obviously chewing him out.)

Amy: You dork! Why are you marrying her? You've only been going out two weeks!

Fry: So? Loves knows not Time.

Amy: Don't go all poetic on me! How could you do this to Leela?

Fry: Leela? What's she got to do with this?

Amy: Fl'uh! She's in love with you!

Fry: Yeah right. And Zoidberg ate last night.

Zoidberg: I did so! I finished off the molding guacamole in the fridge! Don't calculate my consumption for me!

Amy: Zoidberg, tell him Leela's in love with him!

Zoidberg: Hey there Missy! Don't tell me to explain Leela's feelings for her!

Amy: This is hopeless. Fry, I'm not talking to you 'til you come to your senses.

Fry: Zoidberg, tell Amy, I have come to my senses.

Zoidberg: Amy, he's come to his senses.

Amy: Tell Fry, he's out of order.

Zoidberg: Fry, you're out of order.

Fry: Tell Amy, she's out of order.

Zoidberg: Amy-

Amy: I heard him! Tell him, he's out of order. But say it like you mean it. And ad-lib something.

Zoidberg: Fry, you're out of order! The whole freakin' system's out of order!

Fry: Then forget the system!

(Elisabeth comes in.)

Lizzie: Hi, Honey.

(She kisses Fry. Amy and Zoidberg gag in the background.)

Lizzie: I found the perfect dress for my maid of honor!

Fry: That's great.

Lizzie: The only problem is…my best friend can't make it. So…um, Amy, can you do me a huge favor?

Amy: Like what?

Lizzie: Like being my maid of honor?

Amy: But, but, but…Leela!

Lizzie: Leela can sit on one of the pews, just like all the other guests.

Fry: Oh, c'mon. She deserves way more than that. SHE should be your maid of honor.

Lizzie: Sweetie, I asked Amy.

Amy: Look, Elisabeth, I'd really like to, but my friendship with Leela comes- Omigod!

(Elisabeth holds out a picture of the dress. It's absolutely beautiful, the kind of dress Cinderella would wear.)

Lizzie: Are you sure you can't?

Amy: (tempted) Well…(regaining senses) no. There's no way I could do that. Leela's like the big sister I never had. I can't let her down.

Lizzie: I understand. I think I'll have my cousin do it then.

(Leela walks in.)

Leela: Hey Fry, Zoidberg, Amy….Oh, hello, Lizzie.

Lizzie: (snotty) Leela. Anyway, back to the outfits. I was thinking of this dress for me. What do you think?

(She holds up a picture of an ivory colored strapless dress, which shows quite a bit in the chest area…)

Amy: Wow…it's so, so…

Leela: White. Are you sure green wouldn't be a better choice? (muttering) It demonstrates your snake qualities.

Lizzie: No, but I think it suits you. White is the color of purity.

Amy: (muttering) Yeah, you're really pure, Miss Sex-on-the-First-Date. Even I'm not that slutty…most of the time.

Lizzie: Now, Fry, how many people will you be inviting? Remember, it's on Saturn, so everyone will need to get a ride there.

Fry: I dunno. Let's see. Amy, Kif, Bender, the Professor, Hermes, Cubert, Zoidberg, Leela-

Leela: Actually, um…I can't make it.

Fry: Are you kidding?

Leela: Sorry, but I have…stuff to do here. I want to catch up with my parents.

Fry: Then we'll reschedule.

Lizzie: We can't reschedule! Do you know how many strings Daddy'd have to pull? No. It must go on, Leela or no Leela.

Fry: Leela, please, just invite your parents. I don't want to do this without you there. Please?

Leela: I'm sorry, Fry. I just can't.

(Fry looks downcast. No one says anything for a few seconds.)

Lizzie: The Professor agreed to let people get a ride on the ship, but he's charging $500.

Zoidberg: In that case, I won't be there either.

(Silence.)

Zoidberg: I'm really sorry.

(Silence)

Zoidberg: (grabbing Fry) Don't be upset with me! I have no money! Please…Oh, what's the use…

(He walks off disdainfully.)

Amy: Kif and I'll be there…I think. If he can get a day off from that windbag…

Lizzie: Well, if he can't convince him, I'm sure Leela could work something out.

Leela: (sarcastic) That's such a great idea, Lizzie! I mean, I have such a way with men. Maybe if I sleep with the priest, he'd marry you and Fry for free.

Lizzie: (mean) It's worth a try.

Fry: Hey! Quit it, you two! What is up? It's like you can't stand each other or something.

Leela: No, it's more I want to cut her head off. There's a world of difference.

Lizzie: A world of difference, eh? You mean like the one between the value of each of us?

Leela: That's it! I'm sick of you! Why can't you just leave me be? It's not like I wasn't miserable enough before you showed up.

(Lizzie opens up her mouth for a comeback, but shuts it.)

Lizzie: I'm sorry.

Fry: Good. Now that that's patched up, I can get back to the only thing I care about.

(He plops down on the couch and turns on the TV.)

Monique: Tara-bot, why did you want me to come over?

Tara-bot: To give you this…

(Pan to Fry watching the TV. From it, we hear something rip.)

Monique: (OS) Tara-bot, I can see your whole-

Tara-bot: (OS) I know. Don't you love it?

Monique: (OS) Well, I…

(Several "Mhmm"s are heard.)

Fry: Now, this is the life…

 

Scene: A few days later at the docking bay.

(Everyone has suitcases. Zoidberg is tearfully standing by as everyone, minus him and Leela, prepares to board the PE ship.)

Zoidberg: I'll miss you, Fry! Don't get married and come back a changed man! Really, don't. I've heard terrible horror stories. Like the guy I roomed with in college. He turned into a giant spider.

Fry: (scared) Really?

Zoidberg: Yes, really. Now, don't spend too much time saying goodbye. You have to go get married and come back a completely new you.

(Fry walks over to Leela.)

Fry: Leela, are you sure you can't come with us?

Leela: Yes. I just…can't.

Fry: I understand. But if you reconsider, you're welcome to come.

(Leela smiles a little, but Fry still looks sad. He hugs her.)

Leela: Seeing as I won't be there to say it, I'll say it now. Congratulations.

Fry: Thanks. But I just wish you could be there.

(He kisses her on the cheek. Tears begin to form in her eye. She kisses him on the forehead, ala Galadriel and Frodo.)

Fry: Bye, Leela.

Leela: (sad) Goodbye, Fry.

(She and Zoidberg watch the ship take off, both of them crying, Zoidberg a lot louder than her.)

Zoidberg: So Leela, seeing as we're here by ourselves, I was thinking…

(Leela gags.)

Zoidberg: Maybe we could…

(Leela covers her mouth to prevent herself from puking.)

Zoidberg: Go out for ice cream!

Leela: Ohh…sure.

Zoidberg: You're paying.

 

Scene: "Al's Frozen Yogurt and Ice Cream Shoppe" ("Now with more artificial flavors!")

(Leela and Zoidy are sitting at one of the tables. Zoidberg's got a triple scoop cone. Leela has a small dish of vanilla.)

Zoidberg: So how are things?

Leela: Oh, you know.

Zoidberg: No, I don't. Please explain.

Leela: Well, it all started a while ago, back when Elisabeth first showed up…

 

Cut to: several hours later.

(Leela's crying as she finishes off her fourth pint of raspberry sorbet.)

Leela: And then *SOB* she said they were getting married!

(She pushes the pint away, knocking all the others off the table. She blows her nose loudly on a napkin.)

Zoidberg: Oy.

Leela: I'm sorry, Dr. Zoidberg. I didn't mean to bore you. I am over Fry. I really am.

Zoidberg: Sure. Whatever you say.

 

Scene: Landing port at the Saxon mansion.

(The crew gets off the ship and onto the lawn where Elisabeth's parents are waiting.)

Cale: Hello and welcome to our home. Good to see you again, Mr. Fray.

Fry: Fry.

Cale: Yes. Whatever.

Madison: It's positively wonderful to meet you, Philip, the rest of you. Though I must say, I expected more of a…a…

Fry: Aristocrat?

Madison: No, more of a man than yourself. After all, Elisabeth is my daughter and she's quite the water blossom.

Lizzie: Yes, well…Fry has some redeeming qualities…I think.

Cale: Anyway, Mr. Fry, you'll be staying in the room across the hall from Elisabeth's. As for the rest of you, we set up some cots in the attic.

Bender: Hot diggity daffodil! A cot of my own!

Madison: Oh, but the robot's sharing a cot with the maid.

Bender: Aw…

(We focus on Bender's downcast face.)

Madison: (OS) Now Serena, come here, won't you?

Serena: (OS) Yes, milady?

Madison: (OS) This is the robot who you'll be sharing your cot with. Though I warn you, he's a bender. He might mess up your inhibition unit while you sleep.

Serena: (OS) Oh, that's alright, Mrs. Saxon. I'll just get him to bend it back. (She giggles.)

(Bender looks up at Serena…and just about dies.)

Bender: Whoa mama!

(Serena's a tall, slender fembot with gold hair and quite large…um…well, you know. She's wearing a low-cut, short-skirt maid's outfit.)

Serena: Hullo, Mr. Bender. Maid Serena at your service.

Bender: (suave) Any kind of service?

Serena: Anything I'm capable of. And that's a lot.

Bender: Mrroww….

 

Scene: A couple days later at Leela's apartment.

(Leela and Zoidy are playing cards at the kitchen table.)

Leela: Got any queens?

Zoidberg: How can you read this cards? They're all symmetrical!

(He shows her his hand and points to a card.)

Zoidberg: There. I know that's a human female, but is she a queen? She doesn't look very regal. You can't even see her spewers!

Leela: Ugh. Let's just forget the game.

Zoidberg: Good idea. Now, I vant more about your so-called love life.

Leela: Um…okay.

Zoidberg: You say you're over Fry, right?

Leela: Of course.

Zoidberg: Yet you refused to go to his wedding when you had no plans. Explain that?

Leela: Well…it's because I…can't bear to think that he might be "wanting" someone else besides me…Yeah, that's it.

Zoidberg: Ah. So you only have mating feelings for him, am I right?

Leela: Uh…right. I mean, I've watched the stuff on the What If machine and he's not completely flabby. But just because I have sexual feelings for him, doesn't mean I don't love him…

Zoidberg: Aha! So you do love him!

Leela: Alright! So I do? It doesn't matter! Leave me alone!

(She runs into her bedroom.)

Leela: Ogod, Ogod, Ogod! I can't believe this! I can't believe I just told Zoidberg I'm in love with Fry!

Munda: You did?

Leela: Ugh! And now my mom's eavesdropping on me! Could this day get any worse?

Munda: You know what you have to do now, don't you?

Leela: No. If I did, why would I be ranting in here?

Munda: Good point.

Leela: What must I do now, according to your logic?

Munda: Turanga, you have to get on the next bus to Saturn and run into the church, right as Fry and Elisabeth are about to get married, and tell him how you feel!

Leela: Are you out of your mind? I can't do that!

Munda: You've been saying the word 'can't' a lot lately. Isn't it about time you told yourself you 'can'?

Leela: Well…

 

Cut to the kitchen.

(Zoidberg's cleaning out Leela's fridge as she comes running out of the bedroom with a suitcase. She grabs him by the arm and runs out the door.)

Zoidberg: Leela, my good friend, why the rush?

Leela: No time for questions. We have a wedding to ruin!

Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm interrupting a wedding with my friend! Zoidberg and Leela are goin' to Saturn! Right?

 

Scene: The Saxon's mansion.

(Fry is in the hallway, tying his bowtie. Amy and Kif, both dressed up approach the stairs.)

Amy: Hey Fry, we'll meet you downstairs, K?

Fry: Sure, Amy. I hope Serena's a good cook.

Bender: (entering the hallway) Well, if she's as good at cooking up dinner as she is at cooking up romance, be ready for something hot.

Fry: Bender, you're not entangled with Mrs. Saxon's maid, are you?

Bender: Of course not. It's just a little thing here and there, wherever we happen to be when the thought crosses our minds. Which it turns out, can be anywhere.

Fry: Well, don't get too comfy. We're leaving in two days.

Bender: I know, I know. This isn't like when I was with the ship. Now, I believe I'll go downstairs and meet Serena for a pre-dinner treat, if you get my drift.

(He heads down the stairs. Elisabeth comes out of her room.)

Lizzie: Hey sweetie.

Fry: Hi Leel- I mean, Elisabeth.

Lizzie: Ugh. What is going on with you and Leela? I thought you forgot about her.

Fry: She's my best friend, I can't forget about her. That's like you forgetting about your reflection.

Lizzie: Bite your tongue! I'd never do that!

Fry: Exactly. Just let me at least stay friends with Leela. She means a lot to me.

Lizzie: Fine. (seductively) Just as long as I mean a lot more.

Fry: Believe me. You do and you'll mean even more than that tomorrow night.

Lizzie: You won't be disappointed.

(She links arms with him and they walk down the stairs.)

 

Scene: A crowded Space Hound bus.

(Leela and Zoidberg are sandwiched between a variety of different aliens, humans and mutants.)

Zoidberg: (to an Omicronian) And then, we got on this bus. So now me and my good friend Leela are off to ruin my other good friend's wedding, because she's really in love with him, only he doesn't know 'cos he thinks she hates him. Plus she's going out with this other guy…

Leela: (realizing) Omigod! Steven!

 

Cut to outside Leela's apartment.

(Steven's standing outside, ringing the doorbell continuously.)

Steven: Where is she?

(His cell phone rings. He grabs it.)

Steven: Hello?

Leela: (on the phone) Steven? Hi.

Steven: Hey, I was wondering where you were. I'm guessing you're not ready for our date.

Leela: Well…the thing is, I can't go out with you anymore.

Steven: No! That's three women in one month! Why am I so unlucky?

Leela: You're a really great guy and all, but the thing is…I'm in love with Fry.

Steven: I knew it! God, why am I such an idiot.

Leela: But I'm gonna give you someone's number who I think you'll like.

Steven: Really?

Leela: Except, you can't call her for a month, okay?

Steven: Um…sure.

 

Scene: The Church of the Latter Day Saturnine.

(Fry, in his tux, is standing in the middle of the aisle, looking around at the decorations.)

Fry: Wowza.

(Bender walks in, covered in blotchy, red, robot kisses.)

Bender: Hey there, skintube. Never thought I'd see you here again.

Fry: Yeah, I'm not really convinced myself.

Bender: I always thought if you came anywhere close to this again, it'd be with Leela. Ah well, life makes fools of us all.

Serena: (OS) Bende-er! I put on the red case you wanted!

Bender: 'Scuse me, meatbag. Duty calls. Coming, Serena!

(He walks off and passes Amy and Kif in the hall.)

Kif: Uh…Amy?

Amy: Yeah?

Kif: I have something I want to ask you.

(Elisabeth comes out of the dressing room wearing her dress.)

Amy: Just a sec, Kif. Elisabeth, that dress looks beautiful on you!

Lizzie: Oh, this old thing?

Amy: Old? That's in the new issue of Vogue Humanoid. It's not old.

Lizzie: Yes, well, I suppose it'll have to do. See you around, Annie.

(She heads toward Fry.)

Amy: It's Amy! I never liked her…

(She and Kif wander off, leaving Elisabeth and Fry alone.)

Lizzie: Hey, stranger.

Fry: Oh, hi, Lizzie.

Lizzie: Say, you wanna get married today?

Fry: (joking) Why not?

(He pulls her into an embrace.)

Fry: I love you.

Lizzie: Mm…do I mean more than Leela now?

(Fry hesitates.)

Fry: Yes.

(Lizzie shuts her eyes and leans against him. Leela silently walks in and sees them. She stays a respectful distance away and smiles sadly. After a moment, Lizzie breaks away from Fry.)

Lizzie: I'm gonna go check in on the priest. I wanna make sure everything's on schedule.

(She walks off in the opposite direction she came in.)

Fry: (noticing his best friend in the doorway) Leela!

Leela: Hey.

(She walks up to where he is standing at the altar.)

Fry: I'm so glad you're here! What made you change your mind?

Leela: Well, I came to tell you I…(rethinking her reason) am really happy for you.

Fry: (disappointed) Oh.

Leela: Yeah. So, is there an extra seat in the back row?

Fry: No, but there's one right next to Lizzie's parents.

(Leela shudders.)

Leela: How…lucky…of me to get here right on time to get a seat with them. Um, Zoidberg's here too.

Fry: He can sit with the Professor. I need someone to shut him up when we exchange vows.

(He and Leela smile at each other.)

 

Scene: Amy and Kif in the hall.

Kif: I need to find somewhere quiet.

Amy: Why can't you just ask me here?

Kif: Sh! I think this room's empty.

(He opens the door. Low voices are heard.)

Man: Miss, this is highly un-Orthodox.

Woman: (seductively) But this isn't an Orthodox church is it?

(Amy's eyes widen when she hears them kiss.)

Amy: That's…that's…

 

Scene: The big moment!

(Fry is standing at the altar with Bender by his side as "Here Comes the Bride" begins to play. Amy runs up to him.)

Amy: Fry! You can't marry Elisabeth!

Fry: It's okay. Leela's here. I'll be fine. Just go sit down.

Amy: But-

Bender: You heard the man! Sit down!

(Amy goes back to her seat, cussing in Cantonese. Leela gets teary-eyed as she watches Elisabeth come down the aisle. She joins Fry, yadda yadda yadda. The priest says stuff, blah blah blah.)

Lizzie: I take thee, Philip, as my lawful wedded husband to have and to hold until death do us part.

(Fry hesitates nervously. He looks out at the audience and sees Leela's sad, reassuring smile. Finally, he begins.)

Fry: I take thee, Turanga-

(Gasps erupt from the crowd. Elisabeth stares angrily open-mouthed at him.)

Bender: Nice going, skintube.

 

Scene: The Saxon's mansion.

(Fry is standing outside the bathroom, knocking on the door.)

Fry: C'mon, Lizzie. It was a mistake.

Lizzie: (muffled) How do I know that?

Fry: You just have to trust me.

Lizzie: I can't! There's no way on earth I'm ever trusting you again.

Fry: Are we still getting married?

Lizzie: What do you think?

Fry: Yeah?

Lizzie: Think again, jerk! I don't want anything to do with you.

Fry: Aw…

(Amy and Kif walk up to him.)

Amy: It's okay, Fry.

Kif: Yeah, I'm sure she'll come to her senses later.

Amy: Kif!

Kif: What?

Fry: I guess you're right. If we're meant to be, she'll let me know.

(They head down the stairs to hear several people yelling.)

Madison: You little skank! How dare you ruin my daughter's wedding?

Leela: I…

Cale: You couldn't stand the fact that Elisabeth found someone, could you?

Leela: You don't understand!

Cale: I think I do. You're in love with that idiot delivery boy she brought home, aren't you?

Madison: Dear Saturnine, tell me you're not!

(Fry runs in.)

Fry: Hey! Leave her alone! She didn't do anything!

Madison: I believe she did! Her eye must have weird mutant powers. She must've hypnotized you, the dirty, rotten-

Fry: Quit it! It was my fault, not hers. I begged her to come and I was so happy to see her, I said her name instead of Lizzie's. She's my best friend and I needed her here to give me the confidence to do this. Now who are you gonna believe, me or some weird notion you came up with on the spot?

Madison: The noti-

Cale: Maddie. We need to trust the boy. Perhaps he's speaking the truth.

Madison: Well…

Cale: Miss Leela, we're extremely sorry.

Madison: (reluctant) I suppose you're welcome to stay until the wedding's back on track.

Leela: Thank you.

Amy: Hey Leela, I hafta tell you something.

Leela: Um…okay.

 

Scene: Upstairs.

(Serena and Bender are passionately kissing in the hall.)

Serena: We can't do this out in the open!

Bender: Sure we can, baby. Just let ol' Bender handle it.

Serena: No, I mean, I have Windows Embarrassment installed. If we get caught, I freeze up.

Bender: Oh, I see. Here, lemme see if anyone's in the bathroom.

Serena: Wait! Isn't Mistress Elisabeth in there?

(He opens the door easily.)

Bender: I don't see her.

(Serena walks in and notices the open window. She gasps.)

 

Cut to everyone in the parlor drinking tea and eating crumpets (The Saxons are quite proper.)

Serena: (OS) Mistress Elisabeth! Mistress Elisabeth!

Everyone: Huh?

Fry: Lizzie?

(He runs up the stairs with everyone at his heels.)

Fry: Lizzie?

(He sees the open window and gasps. Serena is crying.)

Madison: What happened to my baby?

Serena: Milady, I'm so sorry.

Cale: Where is she?

Serena: She ran away!

Amy: Out the window?

Kif: Oh my!

Leela: Why would she do something like that?

Madison: (hysterical) This is all your fault!

Cale: Now, Maddie, it's not Turanga's fault.

Fry: Omigod, I just ruined both our lives.

(He starts crying and runs into his room.)

Bender: Well, I'm not cheering him up.

(Everyone stares expectantly at Leela.)

Leela: Okay, I'll go.

(She enters his room.)

Leela: Hi Fry.

(Fry doesn't move. He's just laying out on the bed.)

Leela: Are you okay?

Fry: Fine.

Leela: I'm really sorry.

Fry: It's not your fault.

Leela: Everyone seems to think so.

Fry: I don't. It was my mistake. Not yours.

Leela: Thanks. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

Fry: No, I'm just gonna sit.

Leela: Okay.

(Pause.)

Leela: I can only guess what you and Elisabeth would be doing now if I hadn't shown up.

Fry: It's not that hard.

Leela: I was being-

Fry: We'd be doing the hippity dippity.

Leela: Thanks for the…uh, mental picture.

Fry: No problem.

Leela: Did you have anything else planned, besides that?

Fry: Well, I made this CD for her to listen to before we, um…yeah.

Leela: Oh…can I hear it? I mean, if its not too personal.

Fry: No, that's fine.

(He walks over to a stereo and presses a button. Marvin Gaye's "Get it On" comes on.)

Leela: How…nice.

Fry: But it's no use now. Lizzie's not coming back.

(Silence.)

Leela: Does that mean you're fair game?

Fry: Why do you care?

Leela: Well…Fry, I had a reason for coming here…

Fry: Which was?

Leela: I know I was really rude, but see I think I have…feelings for you.

Fry: What do you mean?

Leela: Well…I…oh! Hel-heck! Fry…

Fry: Yes?

Leela: I love you!

Fry: What?

Leela: I couldn't stay quiet any longer…

Fry: Leela…

Leela: I'm sorry. I just thought maybe you liked me a little and-

Fry: Leela, I love you too.

Leela: You do?

Fry: I always have and I always will.

Leela: But you and Elisabeth…

Fry: I didn't think you'd accept me, so I figured I better hold on to someone.

Leela: Really?

Fry: Really. And I'm so glad you told me.

(Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" begins to play as they look into each other's eye(s). They come very close, close enough to really kiss. They do! As they do so, the chorus plays as is required of every sitcom at this part in the story. They kiss passionately and heavily until he begins unzipping her dress and she pulls off his jacket…)

 

Cut to a while later.

(They are under the covers, with Leela's head resting on his chest. Aw…)

Fry: You're amazing.

(Leela smiles sleepily.)

Leela: I love you.

(She closes her eye and her breathing becomes more relaxed before she falls asleep. Fry delicately kisses her.)

Fry: I love you too…

(He too drifts off to sleep and the camera closes with the chorus of Jewel's "Standing Still". Double Aw…)

 

The End

Buddies