Fan Fiction

Flush Hour
By Leelaholic

(Fry, Bender, and Leela are on the couch watching "All My Circuits" )

Calculon: I have a terrible secret to reveal to you, Monique.

Monique: You can tell me, Calculon, you can tell me ANYthing!

Calculon: *sigh* I'm not wearing any pants! (Dramatic music plays)

Fry: Does anybody else notice that this show is REALLY going downhill?

Leela: What do you mean, Fry?

Fry: The last twenty episodes have been about Calculon's lack of pants!!

Leela: You can't expect a long running series to be perfect, Fry. Sometimes the quality dips a little.

Bender: Keep it down, meatbags! It's time for "The Simpsons"!!!

(Theme song plays)

Slogan: "Just say 'no' to FOX"

Cartoon clip: Homer's soda exploding from Simpsons episode 7F16 "O Brother where art thou"


(The PE staff is sitting at the conference table)

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!! You'll be making a delivery today to Flushola 9, the toilet planet.

Fry: Why's that good news?

Farnsworth: Because I said so dammit!!!


(on the ship)

Fry: Where do we keep the metal polish, Leela?

Leela: The storage closet, why?

Bender: My "just-off-the-assembly-line" sheen needs to be touched up.

(In the storage room, Fry holds a spray can)

Fry: close your eyes, Bender. (sprays Bender)

Bender: Well? (looks in nearby mirror, he is pink) yagh!!!

Fry: Oh no!! I'm sorry.

Bender: Not as sorry as you're gonna be!!!

(Bender chases Fry but causes him to slip in some pink polish that ran on to the floor during the spraying, Fry hits his head and is knocked out)

Bender: Uh oh.

(drags Fry by the ankles out of the closet and over to Leela)

Bender: ummm... Leela?

Leela: Ha ha! Bender!! You're PINK!! (notices Fry laying on the ground, begins to panic) Bender, did you do this??


Leela: You IDIOT!!!

Bender: Hey, bite my pretty pink ass!!!


(Leela is flying the plane while Bender, with some difficulty, is restoring his silver color back, Fry is still passed out)

Bender: Hey, Leela, there's that planet up ahead.

(Bender points to an approaching planet shaped like a toilet paper roll)

Leela: I see it, Bender. My depth perception isn't THAT bad. Okay, get ready to land.

Bender: Can do.

(Bender leans back and takes a sip of Olde Fortaine)

(The ship lands)

Bender: So... what do we do about the incredable unconcious meatbag over there? (Bender points to Fry)

Leela: Well... we know he's alive so... we'll just leave him on the ship while we make the delivery.

(Leela and Bender leave the ship into a large jungle-like landscape where there is a big colloseum with a giant toilet creature guarding the door)

Leela: Hello?

Guard: SILENCE!! What do you request?

Leela: We have a delivery for a (reads label) I. P. Freely.

Guard: SILENCE!! To see Emperor Freely, you must complete the three tasks of the mighty Toiletron. Do you accept?

Leela: Do we have a choice?

Guard: SILENCE!! No.

Leela: I guess we could try...

Guard: SILENCE!! The tasks test bravery, skill, and knowledge.

Bender: We're boned. So... What do we need to do, potty mouth?

Guard: SILENCE!! You must...

(fast and rapid closeup of the guard's face)

Guard: ...be MURDERED!!!

Leela: But I thought you said we had to pass three tasks.

Guard: SILENCE!! That was to lull you into a false sense of security. I will murder only ONE of you!!

(points to Leela)

Guard: YOU!!

Leela: WHAT?? Why me?

Guard: SILENCE!! Because the metal man just ran away.

(Shot of Bender running into the ship and closing the door after himself)

Leela: *sigh*

(Bender is on the ship with Fry who is just waking up)

Fry: What happened??

Bender: We've got to get out of here!!

(Tries to start ship, fails)

Bender: There's no fuel!!

Fry: WHAT?? The proffesor was supposed to fill it!!

Bender: D'oh! He must have forgot!!

Fry: An old person forgot something? Now you're just being CRAZY, Bender.

Fry: What do we do now, Bender?

Bender: I dunno, die?

(Leela is in the palace in front of the emperor who is a huge toilet on a platform)

Emperor: And now for the execution. Send in the donuts!!!

Leela: Donuts? Why??

Emperor: In the year 2620 the donut supply to our planet was lost in the sewers by the original Planet Express crew. We sent you here to have you killed thus making our vengance complete.

Leela: Because you lost a shipment of donuts??

Emperor: That's not all!! The donuts mixed with the radioactive waste beneath the ground which caused the donuts to come to life and kill people!! Bwahahahahhahah!!!! Now, goodbye and have a pleasent afterlife.

(his platform raises into the air while millions of glowing donuts roll towards Leela)

Leela: Nice try, but I've never met a pastry I couldn't beat up (pause) yet.

(The donuts swarm all over her)

Leela: AIIEE!!!

(On the ship, Fry is using a futuristic device to listen to what's going on with Leela)

Fry: Donuts?? OH NO!! Bender, she's doomed!

Bender: DOOMED!!

Fry: DOOMED!!!


Fry: (thinks) Unless...

Bender: Unless WHAT?

Fry: (dramaticly) Bender, get me my comic books!!


(Fry is looking at a monitor with Farnsworth on it)

Farnsworth (on screen):Even the TOILET laughed at me when I invented the reality integrator beam, but who's laughing NOW?? (giggles in a silly way) I'll beam it to you on the ship.

Fry: Where on the ship?

Farnsworth: Someplace...

(Image fades away)

Fry: Okay, Bender. Let's go find it.

(A scene starts where Bender and Fry are opening and closing a bunch of doors)

Fry: Okay, only one room left: Leela's room.

Bender: Good. That means I can stop looking.

(Bender lights a cigar and walks away)

Fry: Okay. This is it.

(Walks into Leela's room and sees the machine)

Fry: Aha! There you are!!

(notices one of Leela's bras on the floor)

Fry: (deviously) Hmmmmmmmm...

(picks it up and begins to feel it while chuckling to himself.)

Fry: (contented) Mmmmmmmm...

Bender (off screen): Fry?

Fry: (startled) GAAHH!! (he hides it behind his back)

Bender (walking in): Did you find it?

Fry: (nervous) Ummm... yeah.

Bender: Good. I got the comic. Let's go. (walks out)

Fry: Uh... yeah. (slips the bra into his pocket) Let's go (follows Bender out)

(they walk back to the beam)

(Bender and Fry have the beam pointed at the comic)

Fry: Here goes.

(they fire the beam at the comic)

Bender: WOOO

(a big flash lights up the scene, Homer Simpson appears)

Homer: What the hell am I doing here??

Fry: All right! It worked!

Bender: Hooray for Bender!!

Homer: What am I doing here?

Fry: We need you to save somebody...

Homer: D'OH!!

Fry: ...by eating donuts.

Homer: WOO HOO!!

Fry: Are you ready?

Homer: YEAH! (pause) You said I'd be eating donuts, right?

Fry: yes

Homer: Let's go!

(Fry Bender and Homer burst into the arena where Leela is tied up)

Homer: Not so fast, you delicious yet evil fiends!!

(the donuts leave Leela and approach Homer)

Homer: Play some music, metal guy.

Bender: Sure, why not?

(Bender inserts a cd into his mouth, calypso music begins to play)

(Homer gleefuly skips around tossing donuts onto a nearby platform while singing the following song)

Homer: (singing)
I will save your life while I sing this song
If you know the words you can sing along
There's a way of life that you can't plan
For today's modern donut man.

When you eat as many as I do
Your body is constantly buzzin'
Plus it's making me fat but I can ignore that
So I'll eat another dozen.

When I go to the power plant in the morning
I see a big box of donuts
There's no need to explain I've got donuts on the brain
So I've been known to go nuts.

When you eat as many as I do
Your body is constantly buzzin'
Plus it's making me fat but I can ignore that
So I'll eat another dozen.

I like all kinds of donuts
The flavor to me doesn't matter
As long as it's fried and maybe glazified
And made with lots of batter.

When you eat as many as I do
Your body is constantly buzzin'
Plus it's making me fat but I can ignore that
So I'll eat another dozen.

(music ends)

Homer: (throws the last donut onto the platform) WOO!

Fry: All right!

Leela: Woo!

Bender: Hooray for Bender!

(Fry presses a button which compacts all the donuts on the platform into one donut, Homer eats it)

Homer: MMM... radioactive donut.

Fry: Well, that takes care of that.

(a huge shadow falls over them)

Fry: (suddenly nervous) Oops... forgot about him...

(The crew runs to the ship)

Leela: We have to get out of here!

Fry: We can't! We're out of fuel!!

Leela: Did you clean Nibbler's litter box.

Fry: Of course not!

(They enter the ship)

Leela: Perfect! Bender, go fuel the ship with it.

Bender: Why me?

Leela: You're the only one that can lift it.

(Bender walks away angrily grumbling something about yo' momma)

(The emperor grasps onto the ship's rear fin. Bender is straining to lift a piece of dark matter into the ship's engine, he does. The ship starts to take off but the emperor is too strong. Bender strains to lift another piece in, he does. The ship flys into the air with the emperor still clinging on.)

Fry: (looks out window and sees emperor clinging on) If he gets in here, we're dead.

(Bender is walking to the ships door)

Leela: What are you doing??

Bender: Something really stupid...

(Bender climbs on top of the ship)

Bender: Hey, JERK!!

Emperor: I'll KILL you!!

Bender: Then I guess you'll want...

(holds crate over his head)

Bender: THIS!!!

(throws crate at emperor causing him to fall into space, his hand is still grasping the fin)


Bender: Let that be a lesson to you: Don't mess with The Benderater!!!


Homer: YOU!!

(Homer and Bender bump chests and laugh)

Bender: I guess it's time to say goodbye...

(long pause)

Bender: 'Bye.

Homer: 'Bye.

(Fry zaps Homer back into the book using the beam)

Leela: Well, we're done with that but we still need to get this form signed by the emperor saying we delivered it.

Fry: Crud. All that work for nothing

Bender: Don't worry! Old Bender will save the day! (leans in) again.

(opens his chest compartment and takes out the emperor's hand)

Bender: It came off when I hit him...

(puts a pen in the hand and uses it to write "I. P. Freely" )

Fry: Well, that does count as the emperor signing it... sorta.

Bender: Another successful mission thanks to me... Bender.

Fry: Hooray for forgery!

(the ship flies off into space)