The Leela Diaries, part 2
July 21, 3000
I am so confused. This past week I nearly got eaten,
went on a vacation, ran into that thundering idiot Zapp Brannigan,
found feelings for Fry that I didn’t know I had, and endured a
spaceship wreck. Whew! Some week!
Well, good night!
Just kidding…just kidding.
It all started out
with a trip to Cannibalon. Why the name didn’t make me be more
on my guard, I’ll never know. We landed without any trouble.
It seemed so peaceful. The natives were so friendly…right up
to the moment they attacked. They had lured us into their village
with a “special dinner.” What they didn’t say was
were the main course.
really very big, but those little jerks believe there’s safety
in numbers. We were nearly swamped before Fry, Bender and I got
back-to-back and fought our way, step-by-step to the ship. I wound
up with a few scratches, Fry go a chunk taken out of his ankle, and
Bender got his chest door damaged.
Once we go onboard
the ship, Fry and Bender still had to give a few of the little
buggers the heave-ho as I got the ship to altitude! Watching them
splat onto the ground below as we rocketed upward was satisfying.
Nothing like a little retroactive birth control, I always say.
ashamed to admit that I nailed their chief’s hut with a torpedo
as a sort of “see you later” present. Fry did some great
shooting from the top turret as I made my torpedo run. You should
have seen those little jungle lice scatter. Wahoo!
strafing the village didn’t take away my anger. I
mean, even Fry remained angrier than I’ve ever seen him. We
seethed all the way home.
When we got there, we were all ready to quit. So
when Farnsworth announced, “Oh, great news everyone!”
Bender replied with how we all felt, “Shove it! We quit!”
I have to say that
the Professor’s reply really shocked us. He was taking us on a
company vacation on the Titanic. We were all so excited. It didn’t
even bother me when I overheard Hermes gloating about how this
vacation would be a huge tax write-off. My thought was, “Who
cares? We’re going on vacation!”
What the Professor hadn’t told us was that
we were leaving that afternoon. As soon as the Professor let us head
for home to pack, we scampered off like mice headed for their holes.
Oooh! I hate
packing in a hurry. The Professor is such a…such a…typical
man. Does he think we are mind readers? Why do men never talk about
things? Is it too hard?
At any rate, I
threw a few things into a travel bag, dispatched the bag to the ship,
and booked a pet sitter for Nibbler. I would have sent dear
sweet Nibbler to the veterinary boarding kennel, but his habit of
eating puppies got him banned from every boarding kennel in the city.
We all met back at
Planet Express. Fry was the only one with a bag…everyone else
knew to dispatch theirs to the ship. So
Fry wound up lugging it with him. He even took it into the tube!
That poor Stupid Ages kid, he just doesn’t know.
When we got to the
South Street Spaceport we all popped out of the tubes without any
problem, all of us but Fry that is. He must have let go of his
suitcase during the ride, because it lagged a bit behind. He turned
around to look for it and…BAM…it found him. I had to
look the other way as I laughed. Well, I didn’t want
to hurt Fry’s feelings, but the look of surprise on his face
was so funny.
I helped Fry check his suitcase in. Then we
wandered through security together. Fry and I caught up with the
group just as the ship was being christened. My stomach did a
flip-flop when I saw that Zapp Brannigan was doing the christening.
I felt like throwing up when I thought of how he seduced me by
playing on my pity.
I was so upset I
blurted out, “Oh God! Not Zapp Brannigan!” As soon as the
words left my mouth, I felt like kicking myself.
Doctor Zoidberg asked, “You know Zapp
I tried to recover
by saying, “Let’s just say that we’ve crossed
paths.” I would have done anything to
stop talking about Zapp, the biggest embarrassment of my life.
In his typical manner Bender said, “Was that
before or after you slept with him?”
Oooh! I could have wrung Bender’s neck for
Poopenmeyer went through some sort of ceremony. My mind wasn’t
on it. I don’t even recall what Zapp
said; although I’m sure it was stupid. No, all I could think
of was, “How am I going to avoid seeing or speaking to that
Alas, it was not
to be. When we went up the gangway, sure enough, Zapp Brannigan and
a little green man from Amphibios named Kif stood in our way. I
tried to sneak past, but that creep
Brannigan stepped in front of me.
When he spoke, it made my flesh creep, “So,
trapped on a ship with me. What say you and I knock some very
I was so creeped out that instead of punching him
out or saying something cutting, I responded with, “It’s
tempting, but I have a fiancé now,”
I HAVE A FIANCE NOW?!?! Oh God, what was I
thinking? Clearly, I wasn’t thinking at all.
So in desperation,
I grabbed a very surprised Fry and dragged him forward to introduce
him as my fiancé. He fell into his part as fiancé with
only a quick jab to the ribs. My knees went weak with relief when I
saw that dimwitted and bloated playboy Zapp really believes Fry and I
were an item.
After we got past Zapp, we went to the Professor’s
stateroom. Hermes and LaBarbara, Zoidberg, and the Professor were
all in adjoining first class staterooms, actually. Ours
were…well…not so luxurious.
Our bunks – because that is all they were –
were on the Fiesta Deck. In case you are wondering, the only way we
could have gotten deeper into the ship was to go through the hull and
ride on the keel, like space barnacles.
It took Amy and
Bender about two seconds to decide to head elsewhere. Well, I didn’t
want to run into Zapp, so I had cheerful
thoughts of spending the entire cruise in our quarters. Better that
than to spend one minute in Zapp’s company!
Then Fry decided to speak up, “I guess that
just leaves you and your fake fiancé… all alone…on
a romantic cruise.” When he put his arm around my shoulder, I
said as calmly as I could, “Take it off or I’ll break it
Fry complied…I mean, he’s really
always been a gentleman. Except for the occasional insinuation, he’s
always been decent to me. I don’t know why I’m so rude
to him sometimes. Is it because I’m afraid that I might really
like him if I gave him a chance?
But I digress.
Just as Fry took his arm off my shoulder, the door
suddenly opened to reveal that swaggering baboon Brannigan. He
stepped into the cabin and announced, “Captain’s
Ugh! I was glad
to have Fry there. I grabbed his arm and draped it over my shoulder,
glad of his protecting embrace.
After Zapp left
Fry took his arm from my shoulder. We stood there without speaking
for a moment before Fry asked, “Leela, do you want to go up on
deck and look at the stars?” He smiled nervously, “I
never get tired of looking at them.”
“Sure,” I replied, “why not?”
So we took the elevator up to the main deck. We
walked over to the rail without speaking. We stood silently for
several minutes, looking at the beauty of the heavens. It’s
funny, when you’re piloting a spaceship, you don’t notice
such things. They are just waypoints, something to guide your
I guess it was those thoughts that caused me to
break the silence, “Well our accommodations aren’t great,
but it sure is beautiful out here.”
Fry replied nervously, “Yeah it’s
pretty romantic…uh, I mean platonic.” He stammered,
“Th-that sure is one platonic view.”
be quiet.” I replied, “I’m beginning to think this
whole fake fiancé thing was a terrible, terrible…”
before I could finish my sentence, I saw Zapp coming up with that
nasty lustful look on his ugly face.
I panicked! All I wanted to do was drive Zapp
away. So I grabbed Fry and gave him one of the longest, most soulful
kisses I have ever given. Fry went limp…well not
completely…as I maneuvered to turn my back to Zapp.
Can you believe
it? Zapp stood there and yammered on about “scoring me on the
rebound!” Ugh! He even put his filthy paw on my shoulder.
Mercifully, he turned and left quickly.
What had I done? I’d exchanged my Zapp
problem for a Fry problem. So I thought I’d nip things in the
bud. Office romances never work out anyway. So I said, “Uh,
Look, before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.”
Every the optimist, Fry grinned, “Well, do
you have anything else for him?”
Looking back, that
was a pretty witty response. At the time all I could manage to say
was to growl, “Alright, can we try not to complicate this?”
Before I could get
my equilibrium and think through how I felt about kissing Fry, guess
who came up? It was none other than Amy, with her parents in tow.
Apparently, Inez and Leo had been bugging Amy to find a boyfriend.
So, she told them she already had one…Fry!
Of course, I didn’t know that when she
walked up and announced, “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet
Fry, my boyfriend.” Then she clamped a lip lock on him like a
I turned and left. Men! As soon as someone
younger or prettier comes along, they forget all about you. In a
blue funk, I went down into our miserable little room and cried…but
not for long. I decided to put on my bathing suit and sit in a deck
chair. After all, this was a vacation, darn it.
On my way back to the main deck, I happened to see
Bender. He was with a very classy looking fembot. I couldn’t
help wondering what was going on. When I got up on deck, I settled
myself into a deck chair to watch the stars roll by.
I have to admit,
my mind wandered to my earlier kiss with Fry. He is so innocent!
But why did he go right from kissing me to kissing Amy? I just don’t
understand men at all. I once heard Zapp say, “Why buy a
bugallo when you can get the milk free?” Maybe that’s how
men really feel. Who knows?
Anyway, I was on deck minding my own business when
Fry and Amy came up on deck with the Wongs close behind. Fry gave
Amy a kiss…right in front of me. Then he had the nerve to sit
down right next to me!
help saying, “It would have been nice if you’d told
me you were going out with Amy.”
Fry’s appeared surprised, “I’m
not going out with Amy. It’s just to fool her parents.”
Then he looked me in the eye, “Hey, you’re not jealous,
caught me off guard. I’m afraid I sounded less than convincing
when I said, “What? No. No!
Of course not!”
Fry didn’t seem too concerned, “Good,
‘cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more
All I did was grunt in reply.
We sat there for
quite a while. I sort of lost track of
time but it was a good bit later in the day when they started having
a limbo contest. Then that jerk Zapp showed up and announced that he
was the judge.
Imagine my surprise when he announced that I had
won! I was startled and blurted out something like, “But I
didn’t even limbo.”
Zapp grinned evilly, “No matter. I know
from personal experience how horizontal you can get. As your reward
you and that hairpile are invited to dine at the captain’s
table this evening.”
Oooh! My first reaction was to tell him to stick
his invitation where the sun doesn’t shine. But then I
thought, “What a great way it will be to torture Zapp! With Fry
at the table all Zapp can do is agonize over my unreachable status.
Why is it that my plans don’t always come
off like I planned them?
In order to get
ready for dinner, Fry and I went back our quarters. I have to admit,
I enjoyed teasing Fry a bit. Usually, I would have made him leave
the room when I got dressed. Instead I merely said, “Turn
around Fry.” He turned around without any argument, “Do
you want me to close my eyes?”
“No,” I replied, “just don’t
I am so evil sometimes. As I took off my boots,
pants and shirt, I made a point of throwing them on a bunk where Fry
could see them. I could see him wiping his hands on his trousers.
I’ll have to
admit, Fry was a perfect gentleman. Lord, I wish he was more mature.
I mean, I love his boyish charm but his immaturity repels me. Or am
I just afraid that if he really gets to know me, he will quit liking
At any rate, we got to the Captain’s Table
without a problem. After we were seated, Fry had a conversation with
Zapp. I was wondering if I should encourage Fry to kiss me at the
table when who should show p but…you guessed it…Amy and
There were a few tense moments as we tried to
figure out how to keep from blowing our stories. I thought Fry was
going to have a nervous collapse. He kept humming a tune and
Fortunately, just when all seemed lost, Kif came
in and said, “Captain, may I have a word with you?”
Zapp’s reply was a terse, “No.”
Kif fidgeted a bit, “It’s an
irritated, Zapp growled, “Come back when it’s a
catastrophe.” Then the ship shuddered violently as we were
struck by a series of small comets. “Oh, very well.”
No sooner was Zapp gone than Amy and Fry kissed.
I don’t know why, but I felt as though I had been kicked in the
stomach. I left the table quietly, not wanting to draw attention
away from the “happy couple.” Misery does not love
I went onto the main deck, engulfed in a cloud of
loneliness. Lord, I felt like I was back at the Orphanarium. Why am
I always the one in cootieville central?
Fry came out onto the deck after I don’t
know how long. He walked up, “Hey Leela, why’d you run
off from dinner?”
My reply wasn’t exactly honest, “I
didn’t run off. I had plenty of time to finish eating and
stroll away while you were kissing Amy.”
Fry saw through me, “Oh, look, I’m not
actually interested in her if that’s what’s bothering
At first I was a bit sharp, “Oh, are you
sure?” Then I softened a bit, “I mean, she has two eyes,
you have two eyes.”
Fry replied, “I know, we seem like a perfect
match, but I just don’t feel that way about her.” My
heart leaped…although I don’t know why.
We looked at the
couples on the decks below. Everyone had someone except Fry and me.
As we gazed into each other’s eye(s), we drew together. Before
our lips met, the ship jerked violently, sending our foreheads
crashing into each other.
We scrambled to our feet and looked over the
railing. The ship was being pulled into a black hole! That
nincompoop Brannigan had piloted us into the worst hazard in space.
Fry called it, with commendable understatement, a “mood
As quickly as we could, Fry and I joined the
others. The Professor was in a panic, while Bender was oddly
detached about the situation. It was only later during the escape
pod ride home that I learned why he went back to “take one last
We ran aft toward the escape pods below decks,
because I didn’t want us to get sucked into space if the
environmental dome ruptured. We were almost there when an emergency
airlock activated. The door ground inexorably shut. Zoidberg dove
forward and managed to wedge his claw under the door to keep it from
I knew we were doomed. But Hermes saved us. He
had been the Earth limbo champion as a young man. Now he scooted
under the door with amazing ease. He hit the release button and the
door shot upwards. Without any ceremony, we continued our headlong
flight toward the escape pods.
We reached the escape pods, but Bender was nowhere
to be seen. Both Fry and I wanted to wait as long as possible for
Bender. As we waited, the Wongs showed up…accompanied by Kif.
To my surprise, after only the briefest introduction, Kif picked Amy
up, kissed her, and carried her into the pod. She is such a slut!
Is there any man she won’t respond to?
after we had waited for what seemed like an eternity, I decided we
had to take off without Bender. It was so terribly hard. I felt
like crying as I said, “We can’t wait any longer.”
The look of sadness on Fry’s face as he closed the hatch felt
like an icicle being stabbed though my chest.
Unknown to us, Bender and his girlfriend the
Countess were at that moment rushing to catch us. When Bender leaped
up and caught onto the pod. It shuddered at the addition of the two
At the time, I
didn’t know what had happened. I just knew we were being
sucked back into the black hole. Imagine our surprise when we saw
Bender and his girlfriend the Countess hanging from the aft of the
escape pod! They were what was causing us to be overweight.
Sadly, the Countess was sucked back into the black
hole. Without her weight, we were able to avoid hitting the event
horizon of the black hole. So we headed for home.
Bender came into the pod. He was so sad. If I
hadn’t been flying the pod, I would have hugged him. He cried
and cried. Fry tried to comfort him, but it didn’t work.
Bender stopped sobbing and looked at the Countess’
diamond bracelet, “At least I’ll always have her
bracelet.” He handed it to Hermes, “What do you think
Hermes looked at it with a jeweler’s loupe
and announced, “It’s fake, mon.”
The Bender really started to howl. It took three
hours for him to stop.
We finally reached home after another eight hours.
When we disembarked, Bender trudged into the building, still
dejected. He threw the bracelet into the trash. The reporters who
were there snapped pictures as everyone went into the building.
Amy and Kif were the last to leave the pod. Amy
turned to Kif, gave him a kiss, slipped him her number and said,
“Call me.” I wonder if he will call her? Who knows?
At any rate, I’ve written so long my fingers
are tired. I need to get some shut-eye. Who knows where we will go
Good night Dear Diary!
August 20, 3000
Back home at last! We’ve spent the last
couple of weeks on Mars. “Mars?” you say. “Tell
me more,” you say. OK, I will tell all.
It all began at the Planet Express. Bender, Fry
and I were sitting around the Meeting Table when the Professor came
into the room, pushing a large crate on a hover dolly.
He had a look on his face that I can only describe
as a mixture of smugness and senility as he announced, “Good
news everyone! We’ve a very special delivery.”
I was already speculating on what new corner of
the Galaxy we would be off to when the Professor told us we were
taking the crate to his office at Mars University. What a letdown!
Mars! Can anything good come from there?
He did seem awfully attached to the experiment,
though. He actually stroked the crate before he said, “It’s
a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.”
Trying to get a clue as to the crate’s
contents I asked, “In what field?”
Typically, the Professor answered with a
dismissive gesture and in an irritated voice, “I don’t
care, they all pay the same.”
More to the point, Fry asked, “Is it
The Professor assured us it wasn’t, so what
did Fry do? He walked up and kicked the box! It was so funny what
The box started
shaking around while growling sounds came from within. Fry scampered
behind me like a little boy who teases the neighbor’s dog and
hides behind his mommy. Honestly, when is he going to grow up?
Professor brought everything to a screeching halt by whipping out a
tranquilizer gun and firing into the crate. Whatever was in the
crate gave a strangled cry and settled down in a manner of seconds.
So, off we went to
Mars. The trip was pretty uneventful, even though we were hauling Amy
and the Professor along with us. For some reason, Amy wanted to sit
on the bridge and chat about ‘girl stuff.’ I’ll
have to admit that I pushed the interplanetary speed limit to lessen
the time she and I spent together.
She’s like an annoying little sister, I’ll
At any rate, we
made it to Mars in good time. I settled the old Planet Express Ship
down on the Mars University landing field, we disembarked, and all
trudged over to the campus. Amy split off before we got to main
campus because she wanted to meet with her parents.
grounds are really nice. Of course, they have all of the traditional
college foliage; ivy, trees, hemp.
Wong Library was particularly impressive. Did you know they have the
largest collection of literature in the Western Universe?
As we strolled
along, the Professor gave Fry a rundown on the history of the
University. Fry seemed fascinated. I keep forgetting that Fry is
from the Stupid Ages until times like this, when I see that thing
that we take for granted take such a hold on his mind.
As we neared the Wong Library, Bender called out
excitedly, “Hey look! There’s a chapter of my old robot
fraternity, Epsilon Rho Rho.”
I must admit I was
surprised to hear that Bender had been to college. It must have
crept into my voice when I said, “You
went to college?”
Believe it or not, he went to Bending College.
Predictably, he majored in Bending with a minor in Robo-American
The frat house was
about what you’d expect. It was a tumbledown, disorderly
looking place with lots of kegs and other debris littering both
the inside and the outside.
We went into the
frat house and I have to admit, it was really funny. Bender was so
hyped up telling us that all of the coolest
robots were in Epsilon Rho Rho. Instead the entire compliment of the
frat seemed to be three of the nerdiest robots I’ve ever seen!
OMG! It was so funny.
As a matter of
fact it was so funny that I had to go find the ladies room upstairs.
It was unkempt, but not actually dirty. Still, a girl’s gotta
do what a girl’s gotta do!
When I came down
the stairs, Gearshift, the Chapter President, was begging Bender to
teach them how to be cool. Cool? Bender…cool? How do you
translate being a combination of an alcoholic, a kleptomaniac, and
porn obsessed into being cool? Manbots! I’ll never understand
In any event, the Professor, Fry and I left to
continue our stroll across the campus while Bender stayed to educate
his fraternity brothers in the art of being cool.
As we walked
along, Fry dropped a real bombshell. He went to college during the
Stupid Ages! I’m afraid I let my
disbelief drip into my voice when I said, “Don’t take
this the wrong way, Fry, but you don’t seem like the educated
Can you believe it? He actually had his ‘notice
of failure to graduate’ in his pocket! He said with a touch of
smugness, “Read it and weep. I’m a certified college
I shot back,
Everyone knows 20th
Century colleges were basically expensive daycare centers.”
The Professor supported me, “That’s
true. By current academic standards, you’re merely a high
Instead of discouraging Fry, we only pushed him
into enrolling at Mars University so he could “drop out all
When I predicted,
“You won’t lost two weeks” Fry completely missed
the point. He replied, “Aww, thanks for believing in me.”
Sometimes he just doesn’t get it.
Fry and the
Professor went of to the registrar’s, while I went back to the
ship. First I did a little maintenance. Then I worked out in the
cargo hold, including a session on the punching bag. After a quick
shower, I went and caught Fry just as he was leaving for his dorm.
Ugh! Fry lived in
the financial aid dorm. The outside was unkempt and dirty, the halls
smelled of mildew, and the rooms were none
too clean either. Not so surprisingly, Fry thought it was great…at
least he did until his roommate showed up!
You’ll never guess in a million years who –
or more accurately – what came through the door. It was the
cutest little monkey you ever saw in your life. He was wearing a
bowler hat. Oooh! I could have just eaten him up with a spoon.
What was really
surprising was that the little guy – his name is Guenter –
can talk. He and Fry did not hit it off at first. They had a
pointed verbal exchange, with Guenter getting in the better jabs.
When Fry asked in some confusion, “My roommate’s a
monkey?” Guenter replied in a voice dripping with sarcasm,
“Brilliant deduction, you’re a credit to your species.”
I wanted to double
over with laughter. But the Professor came in the room pushing the
crate we had delivered earlier. He explained that Guenter had been
in the crate and was his Nobel Prize winning experiment.
I asked, “So
what makes Guenter talk?”
explained that Guenter’s intelligence
actually came from his hat! It was made of something the Professor
Fry was obviously confused by the Professor’s
explanation, which gave Guenter an opening to deliver another verbal
dig, “You’re wasting your breath Professor. He’ll
never understand a word of it.”
Fry said something I didn’t catch and
grabbed for Guenter’s hat. Honestly, they were both acting
like a pair of five-year olds. I was glad when the Professor made
them shake hands and make up. But I could see that they were still
The next day while
Fry attended class, I took the Planet Express Ship on a flight over
Olympus Mons…the tallest mountain in our solar system. It’s
a beautiful sight, especially when viewed against the orange sky of
Mars. I almost hated to come back.
After I landed, I did my usual maintenance –
both on the ship and on my body. It was kind of fun lifting weights
in the Martian gravity. I certainly was able to bench press more
than I can on Earth.
Anyway, that night I got to go to the Parent’s
Reception as the Professor’s guest. It all started off well
enough. The Professor was telling me some racy stories about some of
his colleagues. Man, there are some sick puppies on the faculty.
But what can you do? They have tenure!
Fry and Guenter spent much of the evening eyeing
each other. Oooh! I hate testosterone – sometimes.
At one point, Fry
and Guenter were at the buffet obviously having an argument of some
sort. I pointed them out to the Professor. He excused himself, went
over to a box covered by a purple cloth and said, “Oh I’m
glad you made it Guenter, because in honor of parents weekend I have
a special surprise for you.” Then he whipped the cloth off,
revealing a cage with two howling monkeys inside.
Guenter was so
humiliated. My heart went out to him…the poor little fellow.
I just wanted to pick him up, stroke his fur and say, “There,
there.” What the Hell was the Professor thinking?
But worse was to come.
Fry really showed
his butt. He’s normally a very sympathetic person, but his
actions over the next few moments showed me a side of Philip J. Fry
that I do not like at all.
He let Guenter’s
parents loose. They are only regular monkeys, so of course, they
tore the room apart. And they wound up swinging from the chandelier,
flinging feces at everyone. They really pasted Dean Vernon. It was
only with difficulty that we finally got them back into the cage.
However, Guenter had run off.
Fry said, “Well, I’m off to my room.”
I walked back with
Fry and really gave him a talking to. But Fry seemed impervious to
anything I said. When we got to his room, I was so frustrated that I
felt like using Fry
for a punching bag. Instead I unloaded on him verbally, “What
you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an
after-school special, I think we learned who the real
animal was today.”
All Fry had to say
in reply was, “You mean peer pressure?” Oooh!
Why do I even bother?
When we opened the
door, we could see Guenter crouching in the darkness. Fry recoiled
and shouted, “Look out! He’s got a gun!” Then he
cowered behind me. What am I, his mother?
I flipped the
light on. Guenter only had a banana in his hand. As a matter of
fact, the floor was littered with peels. But what was so sad was
that Guenter was crying. I felt so badly for him! All I could think
was to say, “Hey, what’s going on? I thought you didn’t
His response showed his conflict, “Of course
I do. I try to fit in but seeing my parents act like that made me
realize I’m just a primitive beast.” Then he began to
Much to my surprise, Fry tried to comfort Guenter.
I swear, I’ll never figure men out. We both talked to Guenter
for a while, trying to cheer him up. Fry even suggested that Guenter
return to the jungle.
Although he was
obviously tempted, he rejected the idea out of loyalty to the
Professor. It took a while, but we finally got Guenter calmed
down…or so I thought.
I passed a quiet night onboard the Ship. Odd.
With Bender and Fry in their rooms on campus the Ship was so quiet
that I had trouble sleeping. I finally had to take a somnitab to go
The next day, I
went shopping in Syria Planitia. When I got back, I decided to take
a few things I’d bought for Fry and Guenter’s room to
them. At their room I found the Professor sitting on the lower bunk,
crying his eyes out. In between sobs, he told me that Guenter had
I was thunderstruck. I didn’t know what to
make of it, “So he just ran away in the middle of the exam?”
The Professor replied, “I’m afraid so.
All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.”
Then Fry put his foot in it and told the Professor
he’d told Guenter to go back to the jungle.
exploded, “You what?
After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey brain?”
Fry denied any blame for the situation…typically.
The Professor tried to drag me into it! I wanted to stay out of
it…like I always do…but they were both so clueless that
I suggested, “We’ll go to the jungle and let Guenter
decide once and for all.”
So off we went.
After getting some supplies and a Machete from the
ship, I rejoined the Professor and Fry at the edge of the jungle.
We…that is to say I…hacked our way into the jungle. We
entered where Guenter had first gone in. As best I could, I stayed
on Guenter’s trail.
After we’d gone about 400 yards, I saw
movement in the trees that I thought could be Guenter. In response,
the Professor threw a tranquilizer gas grenade, which brought three
toucans, two parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and a tiger falling
out of the tree. Unfortunately, there was no Guenter.
We found Guenter
eventually. He was by the side of a river, looking at his
reflection. The Professor offered him the hat and Fry offered him a
banana. While they were trying to coax him into taking one or the
other, that idiot Bender came roaring by in some kind of speedboat.
Well, the wake from the speedboat undercut the
bank, dumping Fry, the Professor and me into the river. The current
was incredibly swift. It only took a second to see why. We were
near a huge, roaring waterfall!
I mean, I could have swum to the bank but that
would have meant abandoning Fry and the Professor. Instead, I
dragged them to a log that was floating by. We hung on for dear
life. Fortunately for us, the log snagged on some rocks.
Still, I had to hold onto Fry to keep him from
being swept away over the falls.
I could have cried with relief when we saw that
Guenter was still on the riverbank. We shouted encouragement to him,
trying to get him to put the hat on. After some trial and error,
Guenter got it right.
I could feel my strength waning, so I shouted,
“Help us Guenter!”
intelligence restored, Guenter did just that. After a few
calculations, he came up with a vine and log rescue device that
flipped the Professor, Fry and I onto a sturdy branch overhanging the
falls. However, it left Guenter hanging by a vine over the roaring
waterfall…a vine that was rapidly breaking.
Unfortunately, Guenter hesitated climbing the vine
to safety. It snapped and he fell hundreds of feet to the base of
the falls. As his body disappeared into the mist, I felt my heart go
with him…the poor, sweet little monkey.
None of us spoke until the Professor said, “Oh
that poor, sweet monkey. Well, let’s go gather him up. There’s
no sense letting him go to waste.” Then he licked his lips.
Oooh! I felt like giving that amoral old crackpot a little shove.
Thank goodness I have such great self-control.
We descended to the base of the falls by a
well-worn footpath. Imagine our surprise and delight when we found
that Guenter was still alive! His hat was crushed a bit, but
apparently it had broken his fall.
When the Professor examined the hat he said, “It
seems to be working at only half capacity, but I can fix that.”
Now here’s the funny part.
Guenter refused to have the hat fixed. It seemed
he was happier without his super intelligence. To his credit, the
Professor let Guenter stay that way, although he was pretty upset
when Guenter announced he was transferring to Business School.
But, all’s well that ends well. When we got
back to Campus, we found out that Epsilon Rho Rho had won some sort
of regatta and was head of the Greek Council. Not only that, the
School held a parade in their honor.
Well! That parade
quickly turned into a Martian Mardi Gras. Whoo! We had a blast. I
even met the Dean…his last name was Vernon. I
can’t remember his first name.
We had a sort
of date that evening. Both of us were pretty toasted, and I don’t
remember what we did all that well. I do remember that when he
escorted me to the Ship in the wee hours of the morning saying
goodnight was like grappling with an octopus. Why is it that men
always seem to be “in the mood?”
No, Dear Diary, I slept alone. Dean Vernon seemed
to take it okay, but maybe he’s used to rejection. Most men
Anyway, we spent
another two reasonably uneventful weeks on Mars. Fry dropped out,
the Professor didn’t
win the Nobel Prize, and Bender took it on the lam after stealing
everything that wasn’t nailed down from Epsilon Rho Rho. Some
things never change.
Well, Dear Diary, I’m getting very sleepy.
It’s time to turn in. Good night!
3 September 3000
The events of the
past few days have been epic. I went to the beach, survived an epic
space battle with the Omicronians, and helped to save the Earth. Not
bad for a Labor Day weekend, huh?
It all started on
Labor Day. I convinced the Professor we needed to do something as a
group, so he consented to my renting a car to go to Monument Beach.
Sometimes he is the world’s worst skinflint, and
then on other days, he can be generous…especially if it
involves a tax deduction.
Zoidberg, the Professor and I came into the Planet Express Employee’s
Lounge raring to head out for some summer
fun. Bender, Hermes, and Fry were sitting on the couch watching TV.
When I asked, “Who’s up for one last summer beach trip?”
can you believe that the only person who didn’t want to go was
What amazed me was that he would rather watch TV
than get out in the real world. When I told him he was wasting his
life sitting in front of the TV, he whined, “But this is HDTV.
It’s got better resolution than the real world.”
Sometimes Fry can
exasperating. I tried a different tactic to get him moving by
pointing out that, “Everyone’s too polite to say it, but
with bed sores.”
What did he say?
Get this, “Not covered!”
I wanted to belt him, but my self-control asserted
itself. Instead I only growled, “Just get in the car.”
He came without any further argument. Honestly,
sometimes he behaves just like the sixth grade boys I used to have to
take care of at the Orphanarium. One moment he can be so sweet and
endearing and the next…Oooh!
At any rate, we got to Monument Beach without too
much trouble. As we sped along our way, Fry asked a question that
reminded me he’s from the Stupid Ages. He wanted to know why
we were heading inland to go to the beach! As if you could survive
for more than a few minutes in either the Atlantic or the Pacific
Oceans. Between the flesh-eating whales and the colossal mouth bass,
you’d last about as long as a French fry at McZargnald’s!
I’ll say this; it didn’t seem to faze
him when he got the answer.
When we pulled up,
I had my usual good luck at parking. We got a spot close to the
entrance to the beach. We hardly had to
walk at all. When you’re hot…you’re hot!
tourists, Fry gawked at the monuments. He was surprised so
many were in New York. So I told him, “They are now. In the
2600’s, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he
stole most of the world’s monuments.”
We set up on the beach. As usual, I put on my
SPF-50 tanning butter. I mean, I want to get a tan but I don’t
want skin cancer. And I definitely don’t want to get all
wrinkled from over exposure to the sun, either. Who wants to look
like an elephant skin rug?
I tanned for a
while until I got bored. So, I talked the Professor, Zoidberg, and
Amy into a game of beach volleyball. Predictably, Fry and Bender
didn’t want to play. Hermes was off somewhere…probably
looking for dropped coins.
The Professor and Zoidberg teamed up to play Amy
and me. We slaughtered them! It was so funny! Zoidberg kept
puncturing the balls with his claw. I mean, he must have piled up
twenty before he became disgusted and quit.
I went for a dip, then climbed back onto the old
beach chair to tan a bit more. Bender cooked up some burgers for
everyone. Unfortunately for him, the cooking fire turned his
backside cherry red! He looked so comical, running into the water
while waving his arms and shouting, “Ow! Ow! Ow!”
Fry was oblivious
to it all because he was building a sand castle. Believe it or not,
it was really good. I went over to have a closer look when a
muscular, handsome blonde-haired guy came up and kicked the sand
castle into Fry’s face. I was so
shocked as Fry sat there spitting sand out that I was temporarily
The bully had the
nerve to say, “Say, doll-face, how’d you like to make
some time with a real
I told him I
wasn’t interested. And I wasn’t
until Fry said, “It’s OK Leela. Go ahead. I got a lot of
work to do.”
I thought, “A
lot of work to do?”
Then the bully spoke up, “Uh, sir, you don’t
understand. I’m a professional beach bully. I pretend to
steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50
really surprised and, I’m ashamed to say, angered me a bit. He
reminds me of that old cheapskate, the Professor. Do you know what
Fry said? He said, “50 Bucks?
Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her.”
I never felt so insulted. So to show Fry, I told the bully that we
could go for a walk on the beach. His reply really floored me, “No
thanks ma’am. I’m actually gay.”
As that bully ran
away, I felt so
humiliated. Two rejections in under a minute! I thought we girls
were supposed to do the rejecting.
I sighed and
climbed back onto the beach chair, where I watched Fry patiently
rebuilding his sand castle. You know, it
puzzles me that Fry is so inconsistent. He will persist on trivial
things and give up on important ones. It must be a man thing.
He did build a beautiful sand castle, though. As
a matter of fact, it was probably the nicest sand castle I’ve
ever seen. Fry called it, “the kind of castle King Arthur
would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab.”
I suggested we get a picture before the tide came
in. Everyone gathered around to get into the picture. Just as the
camera snapped, it happened.
A huge shadow
crept over us. When we looked up, we saw an Omicronian saucer
hovering over the beach. Then it glided over the White House and
blew it to pieces. Pandemonium broke out as a fleet of saucers came
out of nowhere and began blasting every monument on the beach.
We fled to the
car, piled in, and roared back to Planet Express with those damned
saucers always in sight. I did a 180 degree skid outside the
building to get to the curb quickly. We all piled out and dashed
into the building like mice being chased into their holes by a cat.
Before the door had closed behind us, a saucer blew up the rental
car. I’m so glad I got that extra insurance!
We all gathered in front of TV in the Lounge,
wondering what was going on. It didn’t take long for us to
First Earth President McNeal came on and began a
speech that was clearly the prelude to surrender. However, McNeal’s
broadcast was overridden by an alien calling himself, “Lrrr of
the planet Omicron Persei 8.” Lrrr growled out a short
message, “Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities
with out anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!”
That certainly put a temporary stop to any
thoughts of surrender!
McNeal came back on the screen…full of
fight…and bad ideas. He swore we would fight to the death.
He also picked the ideal leader to ensure out deaths, that bloated
toad, Zapp Brannigan.
Bender just can’t leave anything alone.
When Zapp’s moronic grin filled the screen, Bender shouted,
“Hey, look, Leela, it’s that idiotic windbag you slept
I felt like
crawling under the couch in shame. Instead, I tried to change the
subject, “The Earth
is under attack. Can’t we just forget about that?”
Bender observed, somewhat dryly, “Evidently
I could have throttled him, but what was the
point? At that moment, Zapp announced that every available ship
should report for duty. So, I kept control of my temper as I stood
up, “Well, you heard the windbag.” I’m afraid that
my pessimism crept into my voice, “We’ve been drafted.
Everyone into the ship.”
You know, I almost got my chance to pound Bender?
At first he refused to go with us and do his patriotic duty. That
is, he refused until Zapp activated the patriotism circuits in every
robot on Earth. It was sweet to see Bender forced to do something
right for a change. What genius ever decided to give robots free
It took us a
little over an hour of preparation to get the old ship ready for war.
We loaded the torpedo tubes, crammed some spares into the hold, and
made sure the laser was in tip-top shape. Then we took off,
following the Nimbus’ homing beacon to our rendezvous with
We got to the Nimbus without any problem. Of
course, when we arrived we had to endure listening to that idiot
Brannigan giving us a pep talk. I tried – in vain – to
stay out of sight. But Zapp finally notice me and said, “Oh,
ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela.” Then the creep actually
rubbed his hands together, “This is turning into one very sexy
struggle for the future of the human race!”
With as much sarcasm as I could muster, I replied,
“Thanks, but I’m not technically human.”
With that little encounter over, we all split up
to draw our uniforms and get our room assignments onboard the Nimbus.
We didn’t even have time to settle into our rooms before we
wound up in the Nimbus’ Briefing Room, listening to Zapp drone
on about our battle plan. Some battle plan! It all boiled down to
the final sentence, “On my command, all ships will line up and
file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with
What kind of idiot plan is that? It must be a man
Before we left for battle, Zapp made a truly
pathetic pass at me. He is such a loser! How did I ever let my pity
overwhelm my good sense?
Without further ado, we all set off to battle the
Omicronians. Our little fleet rounded the moon and there it was…what
we thought was the Mother Ship. It seemed so huge.
As we deployed into attack formation, Fry was
jabbering excitedly, “I’m gonna be a science-fiction
hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!” It
startled me to realize that Fry was oblivious to our danger. I
blurted out, “Fry, this isn’t TV, it’s real life.
Can’t you tell the difference?”
His reply was as
lighthearted as it was lightheaded, “Sure, I just like TV
better.” Then, as the Lord is my witness, he started making
I couldn’t take much more time to reflect on
things, because we began to take fire from the Omicronian ship. We
got in close and Fry knocked out a few of the surface-mounted turret
guns. But they managed to hit us, too. We lost auxiliary power and
Bender spilled his martini.
None the less, we made a firing pass at the
saucer. The loss of Bender’s cocktail seemed to have driven Fry
into a fury. He fired the turret laser repeatedly, ripping into the
saucer. He must have hit a vital system with one of the shots,
because the saucer exploded into a fiery wreck.
It looked like we had won. But our celebration
was premature. The real Mother Ship, ten times the size of the one
we had destroyed appeared to wreck our day. It began to effortlessly
and systematically wipe out the remainder of our fleet.
I decided that enough was enough. Without any
hesitation I reversed the ship’s course and headed back to
Somehow, that idiot Brannigan survived, too.
When we got back
to Planet Express, we were just in time to catch a broadcast in which
McNeal was stuffed in a sack and presented to the Omicronian leader,
Lrrr. And who did the presenting? You guessed it…Zapp
It really shocked everyone when McNeal wiggled out
of his sack. Lrrr looked at McNeal and growled, “You are not
I can’t really remember what was said next,
but I remember seeing Lrrr whip out his laser pistol and turn McNeal
into a pile of smoking ashes.
Lrrr growled impatiently, “Give us McNeal!”
What happened next
absolutely floored me…and the rest of the viewers. Lrrr held
up a picture and shouted, “Silence! We will accept no more
decoys.” Then he held up a headshot of a woman, “This
is the McNeal.”
We were all bewildered. Who on Earth was she?
Fry was staring at her with unusual concentration.
He said excitedly, “Wait, I know her.”
I don’t believe I’ve ever been so
surprised. That didn’t stop me from saying, “You do not,
you big fat liar. You don’t know anyone. All you do is watch
His reply floored
me, “That’s where I know her from. She’s Jenny
McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th
Century, Single Female Lawyer.”
Bender made a dismissive comment. Then Lrrr said,
“We will raise your planet’s temperature by one million
degrees a day, for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow –
I couldn’t believe it, “They’re
going to destroy the entire Earth if they don’t see some stupid
TV show about some bimbo lawyer?” I mean, talk about your
messed up priorities.
had flown one thousand light years, had laid
waste to the Earth, and were threatening to destroy all of us over a
stupid television show!
Amy looked up the show on the Internet, but it
turned out that all copies had been destroyed in 2443. All seemed
Then Fry came up with an idea that sounded
hopelessly dumb to me, “Y”know, I saw the first 30
seconds of that episode. If we could make up an ending, maybe we
could act it out ourselves.”
Everyone else seemed to think it was a great idea,
so we went to getting everything ready for the show. We built the
set in the Hangar. Fry busied himself with writing the script. Once
the set was complete, Fry said, “OK, Leela, you’ll be
starring as Jenny…”
I cut him off
with, “Uh-uh, forget it.
A, I’m camera shy and B, I get tongue tied in front of an
audience with death rays.”
Then Amy weighed in with a really low blow, “Plus,
you really don’t have the thighs for a miniskirt.”
Oooh! She is so catty! I’ll bet she just
wanted the starring role for herself. But I showed her. I snatched
the script from Fry and said, “Gimme the script.”
Well, to make a long story short, I got into
costume. It was a green suit with a very short mini-skirt. The high
heels certainly exaggerated the effect of the mini-skirt as well.
We all took our places. Then the show began.
I won’t bore you with a blow-by-blow
description of my acting debut. To tell the truth, I was a bit
embarrassed by my dialogue. That Jenny McNeal must be a real slut.
Honestly, in the script, Fry had her involved with every man on the
set…even Zoidberg. Ugh! What a thought.
Things were going along OK until we ran out of
script. I whispered, “Fry, there’s nothing else here.
You only wrote two pages of dialogue.”
He gave what has to rank as one of the lamest
replies on record, “Well, it took an hour to write. I thought
it would take an hour to read.”
After a deep sigh I asked, “What are we
supposed to do now?”
know,” Fry replied, “I don’t know. Just say
anything. As long as it’s compelling, mesmerizing, a tour
I gave it my best shot. I thought that maybe
Jenny should get married to the Judge and quit the law. After all,
it was the finale…right?
But only a few lines, Fry cut me off. He was
really upset. He insisted that audiences just wanted the same old
thing as opposed to something new and different.
I was arguing with Fry about it when Lrrr came on
the air and said, “Attention McNeal. Your unexpected marriage
plan scares us. You stole our hearts as a single female lawyer, and
so you shall remain – or else!”
It didn’t take much to imagine what the ‘or
Inwardly I sighed. Fry was right. Most people
don’t want anything original from TV. So, I decided to trust
to his instincts. After all, he is an authority on TV.
Fry decided to have us read off of cue cards to
wrap up the show. The ending was pretty dull, but it pleased the
Omicronians…and saved the planet.
So the Omicronian
fleet left Earth to recover from the terrible wounds they had
inflicted over a stupid TV show. What amazes me is that Fry’s
Stupid Ages knowledge saved the whole world from destruction. Come
to think of it, this is the second time Fry has saved a lot of us
with his “ancient wisdom.”
Such a thought makes my head hurt.
Well, Dear Diary, now you know how the past few
days have been. I’ll write more soon. Farewell!
20 September 3000
Sorry I haven’t
been keeping up with my entries, but you know how much I dislike
chatter for chatter’s sake. Besides, the past few weeks have
been a blur of excitement and terror. As always, Fry dragged me
irresistibly into his latest misadventure
like some kind of black hole gobbling up an unfortunate spaceship.
It all started with Slurm. That’s
I don’t know
if I mentioned it or not, but Fry has always liked the stuff.
However, once they announced the big contest to find the “Golden
Bottle Cap” and win a free lifetime supply of Slurm, Fry went
overboard. He started drinking can after can of Slurm. I mean, I
know Slurm is addictive, but I’ve never seen anyone drink as
much Slurm as Fry guzzled in those few weeks.
Do you know that I even had to take Fry to the
orthodontist’s to have a dozen teeth reset? He was drinking so
much Slurm it was making his teeth fall out! I had the orthodontist
throw a coating on Fry’s teeth that would keep Slurm from
making them fall out anymore. Maybe I should have just let all of
his teeth fall out, but somehow that just doesn’t seem right.
Besides, it would have spoiled his boyish smile.
Anyway, about two weeks ago we were sitting at the
conference table when Bender dragged himself into the room. He
looked awful! I asked him what was wrong and he replied, “I’m
He looked and
sounded so bad that I pitied him, “You poor baby. Let me check
if you have a fever.” I used the back of my hand to check. He
had a fever all right! He was so hot that the back of my hand got
The Professor went
over and used his lab coat like a glove to
open the door to Bender’s chest cavity. He looked inside and
said, “According to Bender’s temperature gauge, which I
suggest you use next time, Leela, he’s running a fever of…900
just like a man? Instead of telling you about an error nicely, they
just body slam you. It took some self control for me not to boot
that senile old goat in his wrinkly old
We took Bender to
see Dr Zoidberg, whose ever keen medical
brain determined that Bender had fin
fungus! What a quack! I don’t
know why the Professor keeps him around. Wait…yes I do. He’s
cheap…just like the Professor.
walked away, Amy and the Professor started
arguing about the effectiveness of homeopathic cures. I was ready to
knock both their heads together when Bender coughed. I distinctly
heard a rattling sound coming from Bender so I asked, “Hey,
what’s rattling around in there?”
replied, “It may well be the cause of Bender’s illness.
But more importantly, it’s a flimsy
pretext to try out my latest invention. To the laboratory!”
invention turned out to be a flashlight looking device he called an
“F-Ray.” He explained that it
uses a neutrino beam to look through anything…even metal.
With it, the Professor found the cause of Bender’s illness. Do
you know what it was? It was Amy’s watch that had gone missing
several days ago. It was jammed in Bender’s workings.
It only took a minute and “Presto!”
Bender was back to his old annoying self. The Professor handed
Bender and Fry the F-Ray with the admonition of, “for the love
of God don’t let it fall into the wrong hands.” As
Bender and Fry exited the room giggling like naughty schoolboys, I
got the job of taking the Professor’s radiation suit to the
As usual, I was the model employee and did as I
was asked. But I couldn’t help wondering what mischief Bender
and Fry were getting into…and being filled with misgivings. I
mean, Fry is basically okay but that Bender is always leading Fry
into trouble with his hare brained schemes. Anyway, it took me about
an hour to get the suit decontaminated – they do it while you
wait. Then I lugged it back to the Planet Express.
When I stowed the
suit away, I went onboard the ship and worked out in the cargo bay
for about an hour. Amy may think she’s so cute, but if she
doesn’t take better care of her body, she’s going to be
as fat as her mother when she gets older. You can take all of the
St. John’s Wort or Echinacea you want. It still won’t
take the place of good, hard exercise.
But I digress.
When I ran into
the Professor a little later while making
some coffee, he conned me into a game of 3-D Scrabble. We had just
gotten started, but I was winning. I had the words “One,”
“Matt,” “Donut” “Emu” and “Only.”
The Professor had, “Eye,” “Area,” and “One.”
Then Bender and Fry suddenly came into the room.
Bender slammed the F-Ray violently onto the table,
sending all of our Scrabble pieces flying. In a voice full of disgust
he said, “Ah, this thing stinks.”
I felt like
belting him! For the first time in months, I’m winning at 3-D
Scrabble and Bender wrecks it. He just has no consideration
for anyone else’s emotions.
Before I could say
or do anything, Fry said in a disgusted
voice while gesturing at a cart literally heaped with Slurm
merchandise, “We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and all we won
was this junk.” He paused, “I never wanna see another
can of Slurm again.” Then he followed that bit of good sense
with some nonsense, “Man, am I thirsty!”
Can you believe it? He went straight to the
fridge, pulled out a Slurm, and began to shotgun it down. He started
to choke and cough, which caused me concern. I asked, “Fry are
Bender snatched up the F-Ray and pointed it at
Fry’s neck. You could clearly see the outline of a bottle-cap
with “You Win!” written on it, lodged in Fry’s
As Fry slid unconscious to the floor, wheezing
“Hooray!” that idiot Bender cheered as well. Men and
man-bots! I don’t know which are dumber.
Of course, I had
to be the one to get the bottle-cap out of Fry’s throat with
the old Heimlich maneuver. Three good jerks and it was out.
Naturally, I took Fry down to the Slurm
distributorship in Queens to claim his prize. I wasn’t about
to let Bender do it! He certainly would have tried to cheat Fry out
of the prize.
As it was, I just
had to endure Bender going along with us, jabbering excitedly about
how he was going to party with Slurms Mackenzie…and they say
women like to talk!
At any rate, Fry
invited everyone – the Professor, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg,
Bender, and me – along – for the trip to Planet Wormulon
to see the Slurm Factory. I have to admit, I was curious.
Wormulon is a
Class M Planet on the edge of the Andromeda
Galaxy. It has a really pretty ring though…at least it was
probably really pretty before the Wormulonians (?) altered it to show
the word “Slurm” written on it in thousand mile high
letters. Oh well, it’s their planet.
The landing was pretty smooth. I set the old ship
down right outside the gates of the Slurm Factory. I’ve seen
the kind of architecture for the buildings before. Victorian, I think
they call it.
Four worms seemed to be standing guard at two big,
wrought iron gates in front of the factory. When we walked up, two
of the worms played a fanfare, the gates opened, and they rolled out
a red carpet for us!
When the carpet
unrolled to our feet, a worm dressed in a
tacky looking purple suit with a mismatched top hat sprang out of the
last roll, “Welcome to the Planet Wormulon. I’m Glurmo,
your golly-rific (?) guide to the spled-tacular (?) Slurm Factory!”
Fry got right to the point, “Uh-huh. Can we
have our free Slurm now?”
Glurmo dashed Fry’s hopes of immediate
satisfaction with his reply, “You’ll have all the Slurm
you can drink later on when you’re partying with my good
friend, Slurms MacKenzie.”
Right on cue, Slurms popped into view from behind
Glurmo. You know, he seems taller on television. He seemed pleasant
enough, though I remember thinking his enthusiasm seemed a bit
forced. As it turned out, I was right…but more of that later.
Glurmo led us to
the Factory entrance, where he proudly announced, “Welcome my
friends, to the wondrous world of whimsy that we like to call "Slurms
Centralized Industrial Fabrication Unit." The doors to the
Factory opened onto a cavernous room whose beauty took my breath
The room had a
river of Slurm running right down the middle. There were lovely
trees and fragrant flowers everywhere. Bobbing up and down on the
Slurm River was a small paddle wheeler boat. Glurmo led the way down
to the bank and we followed. We were almost aboard the boat when we
saw some disgusting looking little orange-skinned men with green
hair. Dressed in grey striped shorts and
brown shirts, they were carrying barrels of Slurm.
spoke the question that was on everyone’s mind…except
maybe Amy…“Who are those
horrible orange creatures over there?”
“Why, those are the Grunka Lunkas.
They work here in the Slurm factory.”
The Professor shot
back, “Tell them I hate them.”
Well, I thought
that was a bit
extreme. I mean, they were disgusting looking…and you could
smell them clear across the room. Ugh! They smelled like rotting
cheese…or Fry’s locker.
Anyway, we went down to the boat, got in and
sailed down the green river. Glurmo rattled on about the Slurm
making process. He kept teasing us with hints about the secret
ingredient. I have to admit, I was a bit curious. What was funny
was listening to Fry and Bender hector him about it. I think that
Glurmo was about to lose his cool when the Grunka Lunkas distracted
everyone by singing.
I won’t bore
you by repeating the song. It was a warning not to keep trying to
find the secret ingredient. Glurmo put a stop to the performance by
waving his cane as he shouted, “Hey, I don't pay you to sing!
You just used up today's bathroom break!”
Thank goodness the Grunka Lunkas shut up and
We went through a
tunnel where we saw an ancient looking Slurm Master sampling some
Slurm from a cask. That seemed to remind Fry that he hadn’t
guzzled a Slurm for a while. He asked Glurmo, “Uh, could I
have some Slurm, please?”
“No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait
until you're partying with Slurms MacKenzie.”
Fry was unwilling
to accept the answer, “When will that be?”
Glurmo answered, obviously irritated, “Soon
Fry just had to
have the last word…or maybe the last whine would be more
accurate, “That's not soon enough.”
Frankly, I was
tired of listening to them bicker. So I pointed at a door with a
“Keep Out” sign on it that had two worms guarding it and
asked, “Hey, what's behind that door?”
Glurmo shrugged, “Nothing.”
What did he take me for, a blonde? So I decided
to pull his chain a bit, “Is it the secret ingredient?”
Before he could
answer, the Grunka Lunkas started singing and dancing again. They
got Bender really angry. He shouted, “Shut the Hell up!”
Thankfully, they did.
We sailed down the
river a bit. I was just taking in the
scenery when I noticed that Fry was gone. I don’t know why,
but I went looking for him. It reminds me of when I had to watch the
younger kids at the Orphanarium. There were just some kids you knew
were going to get in trouble if they were out of your sight for more
than five seconds. Well…that’s Fry.
When I got to the stern of the boat, I could
scarcely believe my eyes. I mean, I’ve seen Fry do some
boneheaded stuff, but this really took the cake! He was actually
hanging from the stern rail by his toes in an attempt to reach the
Slurm in the river!
My mind went
positively blank for a second. When I got my powers of speech back I
are you doing?”
Why I bothered to
ask, I have no clue! Fry replied, “I'm dying of thirst. Grab
my feet and dunk my head in so I can drink.”
I swear, he actually said that!
I told him, “No, that’s moronic.”
What happened next
was absolutely predictable. Fry fell in. Just before he fell into
the river he laughingly said, “Fine.
I'll let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I
want.” He sank beneath the surface, came up briefly and
shouted, “Help! I can’t swim!”
The idiot! There was nothing for it but to dive
in and rescue him. Oooh! He just burns me up some times. I pulled
him to the surface by his hair, none too gently I may add. When we
broke the surface, I was really surprised to see a whistling Bender
bob to the surface. “Bender,” I asked, “why did
you jump in?”
His answer showed
that he and Fry are on a par for lack of common sense, “Everybody
was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.”
Before we could
swim to the side, a strong current sucked us into a whirlpool. We
went down, down, down. We were sucked through a large pipe, then
spewed out onto a grate through which the Slurm from the river
Fry wrung some Slurm from his hair into his mouth
and spat it straight out, “This isn’t Slurm at all!”
As Fry was having his revelation, I noticed that
there were two doors at the far side of the cave. One was marked
“Real Factory” and the other was marked “Fake
First we checked
out the fake factory. Just a quick inspection let us know it was
where we had been taking our tour. Before we checked out the real
factory, Fry blurted out in horror, “My God. What if the secret
ingredient ... is people?”
Can you imagine
that he didn’t know? So, I told him, “No. There's
already a soda like that: Soylent Cola.”
He went from
horror to curiosity, “Oh. How is it?”
So I told him, “It
varies from person to person.”
We entered the
real factory, creeping down dark tunnels and evading guards. We had
just evaded two guards who were gliding along the ceiling when we
came upon a conveyor belt with cans of Slurm on it. Fry went over,
snatched up a can, and guzzled half of it down. He said
passionately, “Oh, yeah! I'm never going 12 minutes without a
Slurm again.” Then he added, “Well, whatever it is, it's
even better fresh.” Taking a swig he observed, “Mmm,
While Fry was
falling in love with Slurm all over again, I noticed a door marked
“Slurm Production Chamber” and led Fry and Bender through
it. What we saw on the other side was disgusting beyond belief!
Empty cans of Slurm were headed down the conveyor belt. Each
paused briefly to be filled by a burst of disgusting green fluid from
a gigantic Worm Queen’s behind!
Lord, I felt like hurling.
Even though Fry
said, “Ew!” at the sight, he
still continued to glup the Slurm down. I exclaimed, “Fry!”
That seemed to
briefly bring Fry to his senses…for
a brief second. Then he started drinking again! So I almost
That did it for a
moment. Fry seemed dazed, “That’s
the secret ingredient of Slurm?”
I replied, “That's
the only ingredient
Once again, Fry
said, “Ew!” and once again he started to gulp from the
can. That did it! I lost patience and knocked the can from his
hand. Unfortunately the sound of the can striking the floor alerted
the Worm Queen, who saw us, let out a roar, and proceeded to try and
clobber us with her tail. After dodging her blows, we took off as
fast as our legs could carry us.
We ran through a twisting maze of tunnels, closely
pursued by laser-firing guards. After what seemed like an eternity,
we came to a ravine and nearly fell in. Bender shouted, “I’ll
save us!” He extended his arms and legs to form a quick foot
bridge for us.
Of course, Bender
couldn’t just let it go at accepting
our thanks for saving us. No! He hit Fry and me up for a tip! Which,
I am ashamed to say, we both paid.
It seemed worth it, though. I saw a door, which I
thought led to the outside. Unfortunately, it led us right back into
the Slurm Production Chamber. We were boned!
Bender tried to
turn things to his advantage by acting as though he was bringing us
in, “Uh, Your Majesty, I brought the prisoners.”
Glurmo stepped out
from behind the Queen, “Well, my curious friends, you learned
the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you
That just burned
me up! So I said, “You wish, you
slimy worm! Hi-yah!” I literally knocked his block off!
Unfortunately, that simply created two annoying smaller versions of
him. Before I could do anything else, a couple of guards grabbed me.
What surprised me was that where they touched my bare flesh tingled
and I suddenly felt very weak. They must have secreted some sort of
chemical that partially paralyzed me.
move, but I could still talk. I snarled at
the Queen, “How
can you trick people into drinking something that comes out of your
behind? It's disgusting!”
She replied, “Is it? Honey comes from a
bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you ever used
Anyway, they dragged us all down a series of
tunnels to the torture cave. Neither Fry nor I could fight back.
Bender didn’t even try. Of course, to be fair, there were at
least a half-dozen guards with their laser pistols trained on us.
They tied Bender down to a conveyor belt that
moved towards a soda-can making machine. The Queen sneered at
Bender, “You, my metal friend, will have the honor of becoming
174 Slurm cans.”
Bender muttered, “Ah, this trip is turning
into a big letdown.”
The put me into a harness and suspended me over a
huge vat of bubbling, stinking purple goo. The Queen turned her
attention to me, “As for you, you will be submerged in Royal
Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm
Queen like myself.”
Slurm Queen? What else could be worse?”
it turned out, one little Glurmo got me an answer when he exclaimed,
“But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste
Which is why we'll market it as New
Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and
make billions!” Then she laughed diabolically!
what was worse!
Glurmo lowered me into the vat. Lord, it was some really icky stuff.
It felt like being submerged in a boiling vat of mucus. I could
feel my strength returning, but I was afraid it wouldn’t return
before I became a Slurm Queen.
It really startled me when the Queen announced to
Fry, “You are free to go.”
Fry exclaimed, “Yes!”
he’s free, maybe he’ll figure out how to get us out of
the Queen added maliciously, “If
resist this concentrated super Slurm!” Both of the Glurmos
grabbed Fry and sat him down in a chair in front of a tub. The Slurm
Queen filled the tub with a dark green slime. “It's so
delicious, you'll eat until you explode! Oh, which reminds me, put a
tarp over that sofa, will you? Bon
of the Glurmos forced a spoonful of the Slurm into Fry's mouth. Fry
struggled briefly, then he smiled, “Mmm!”
Queen turned to us just before leaving the torture cave, “Farewell!
Oh, and congratulations again on winning the contest.” The
sound of her insane laughter rang through the cave even after her
bloated hulk had slithered off.
the Queen and other worms were gone I shouted, “Fry,
untie us, quick!”
I come.” Unfortunately, he saw the tub of Slurm. He paused,
“Let me just-- One more taste.”
taste! He took three! I almost screamed, “You
pig. Stop stuffing your craw and save us.”
seemed to work for a second. Fry
walks towards me. Then he changed his mind and stuck his head into
the tub. I thought, “Oh
wonderful! I’m turning into a worm, Bender’s inching
toward being a pile of cans, and Fry can’t stop swilling that
can't see what's happening. Are we boned?”
in despair I replied,
lifted his head out of the tub and looked around. He looked at
Bender, then at me. As he looked back at the Slurm, a tear trickled
down his face and splashed into the Slurm, “I can't stop eating
this delicious ooze.” The he sounded determined, “But I'm
not gonna let you die.”
happened next still amazes me. He moved
towards the control unit, dragging the tub with him! All the while
he was shoveling handfuls of Slurm into his mouth.
began to feel a weird tingling sensation. Almost in a panic, I
happening?” Bender hollered.
made it over
to the side of the cave with the winch controls. He used his foot to
flick the lever up. It lifted me free from the vat. I had not time
to rejoice in being free. I ran over to the can machine and stopped
it. Unfortunately, Bender got a can-sized hole punched in his lower
Fry was busy looking at Bender’s new ventilation system, I
tipped the tub of Super-Slurm into a grate. Fry acted like a
complete nutcase. He literally screamed, “Nooo!” Then he
actually stuck his head between the grate and tried to lick up the
Slurm. He was babbling insanely, “I could fit if I didn't have
Then he started knowing on his arms…honestly. Well, I’d
had enough. I yanked him to his feet and shoved him toward the exit.
We ran some way down the tunnel. Then we
encountered Slurms MacKenzie. It seems that all he wanted to do was
leave Wormulon and stop partying! He begged us to take him with us.
Just as we agreed, the Queen burst through a tunnel wall with a crash
and a roar.
shouted, “This way!” and led us into another tunnel. As
we entered I noticed a sign that read "Danger Cave-In Area".
The Queen followed us after briefly getting stuck. I shouted, “She's
gaining on us.”
stopped running. He volunteered to hold her off. After the briefest
of discussions, we headed down the tunnels at full speed while Slurms
remained behind. I don’t know what he did, but the Queen never
caught up with us. We found our way to the surface and boarded the
Planet Express Ship.
Fortunately, the rest of our party had returned to
the ship when Glurmo had come beneath the surface to kill us.
In the best traditions of the Planet Express, I
got us the hell out of there in a hurry.
Once we had cleared the system, we told everyone
the story. The Professor was enraged! He called the Bureau of Soft
Drinks, Tobacco and Firearms. They put him through to the
the Commissioner appeared on screen the Professor unceremoniously
began, “Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery: It
seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm hiney!”
Commissioner seemed intrigued, “Hmm,
"hiney", you say? Why, with your testimony we'll finally be
able to outlaw this insidious Slurm.”
the thought of Slurm being outlawed, Fry swung into action. He ran
Professor and the screen, “Uh, don't pay any attention to him,
sir...Grandpa's making up crazy stories again.”
at Fry’s actions, the Professor said, “I'm
not your grandpa, you're my uncle…from the year 2000!”
from intrigued to patronizing, “OK, grandpa, we'll take care of
the "bad worms", don't you worry.”
grinned. As he opened another can of Slurm he said, “Ah,
I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were here to enjoy this with me.”
Bender added, “Yeah, that Slurms sure loved to party. Whattya
say we all party one last time for him?”
up in the mood of the moment, I raised
a can. In honor of the Worm who saved us I said, “For Slurms!”
Everyone else raised their cans. They all joined in the toast. At the first taste of Slurm, the
thought of where it came from crossed my mind. I pretended to drink,
then went below and rinsed my mouth.
The rest of the trip home was uneventful. The
only problem is, I still can’t seem to get the taste of Slurm
out of my mouth! Excuse me Dear Diary, but I’m going to go
brush my teeth and rinse my mouth out again. Good night!