The Leela Diaries, part 1
December 30, 2999
Another year has slipped away and I am still
alone. My life is a boring routine of work, eat, and sleep. But,
you gotta do what you gotta do. You’d think that as the sole
member of an unknown alien species here on Earth, I wouldn’t
have to wear this stupid career chip. How I wish I could do something
When will my
knight in shining armor come to take me away from all this? Why
can’t men see me for who I am? Why am I always being called
‘eyeball’ and ‘freak’ by almost everyone?
It’s almost more than I can bear.
So instead of
crying I’ve learned to fight. Sometimes that helps but
sometimes it doesn’t. I mean, I broke the blind kid Terry’s
nose at least three times when I was at the Orphanarium and it still
didn’t shut his trap.
Well, dear diary, I need to go make my lunches for
the next month. I hope there’s room in the freezer.
Maybe next year will be better, who knows?
January 1, 3000
The past 24 hours have been a blur. In that time
I made friends with three people (well actually two people and a
robot), deserted my old job, got chased by the cops, and got hired as
a Space Ship Captain! Some day!
It all started
when a freezer jockey from the stupid ages named Philip J. Fry came
to me around four o’clock yesterday for his fate assignment.
After we exchanged the obligatory remarks, he submitted to the
probulator with surprising ease – and only the occasional odd
yelp of pain. I was glad to be able to tell him he had at least one
The fun began when
I told him that his career assignment was as a delivery boy. He took
off like a striped ape! I chased him through the lab, but the little
stinker managed to maneuver me into one of the cryotubes…good
old Number 40.
I was deep frozen before I could get out. Oddly enough, he must have
come back to reset the timer, because I unfroze five minutes
later…not the default 1000 years! I sprang out of the
cryotube as soon as the door opened.
I wanted to punch Terry in the nose when he
sounded off with his melodramatic greeting of, “Welcome to the
world of tomorrow!” What a jerk! Anyway, I tried to get good
old Ipgee, my boss, to just let Fry go. I’m glad he didn’t
let me leave off pursuit, or I’d still be stuck in that
Fry was about as
hard to track as an elephant in a china shop. Nobody screams in the
tube unless they are being mugged! With the help of eyewitnesses and
the usual security feeds into the old Wristamajigy, I tracked him
across town before reestablishing contact with him at O’Zorgnax’s
He bolted on me.
Since he seemed to have taken up with a robot, I followed procedure
and called for backup. Those worthless morons Smitty and URL
responded…with their usual, “We’ll be there in
I trailed Fry and his robot buddy (his name turned
out to be Bender) to the Head Museum. Once Smitty and URL showed up,
we went inside and quickly found Fry and Bender. I advanced, ready
to administer the career chip to Fry. Unfortunately, Fry bumped the
Presidential shelf and down came Tricky Dick Nixon with a resounding
Alarms sounded and Nixon started gnawing on Fry’s
arm. It was so funny! It was all I could do to keep from laughing.
Then things got
ugly. Those two testosterone-charged, Neanderthal “Peace
Officers” started beating Fry and Bender for no reason. I
tried to reason with Smitty and URL, but they wouldn’t listen.
Then that squinty eyed little punk Smitty insulted my nose.
I laid into both of them, putting them out of action. Nothing like
a little humility administered via the knuckle to the head route! I
told them I didn’t need their help any more. Instead, I set
off after Fry and Bender on my own.
They barricaded themselves into the Hall of
Criminals. After trying to get them to open the door, I finally gave
up and kicked it in. As it sprang open, they were already on the way
out of the window. Bender managed to bend the bars before I could
dive out after them.
They headed down a
blind alley from which they couldn’t exit without passing by
me, so I used the Neutron Laser in my Wristamajigy to torch the bars.
Back on the trail, I followed them down into the ruins of Old New
York. When I caught up with them, Fry didn’t even try to run.
As a matter of
fact, he placed his fate and his future in my hands. It was then
that I realized that there is something special about him. I don’t
know…I guess it’s that he is so vulnerable. There’s
an odd sort of pathos about him. He’s also gentle and trusting,
something that could get you killed in New-New York. On top of all
that, he’s not bad looking either.
Up until now, I thought I was the loneliest person
in the Galaxy. As it turns out, Fry may be a close second. At least
I have a small circle of friends. He had no one. Well, that has
Getting back to the story, dear diary, instead of
implanting his career chip, I extracted mine! That made me a job
deserter. But I didn’t really care! Rather a short cannon
shot into the sun than to spend another day forcing other people to
accept jobs they hate.
To make a long
story short, we went to meet Fry’s only living relative, a
Professor named Hubert J. Farnsworth. He’s a wrinkly old
crackpot who is a 150 years old if he’s a day. But he saved
When the cops tracked us down, we escaped in his
Intergalactic Space Ship. Oh, I didn’t mention that the
Professor had a delivery business, did I? Anyway, we blasted off
right at the stroke of midnight with laser bursts skimming past the
ship as we ascended into the heavens. Guess who was piloting the
Still, things looked bleak for all three of us.
With no career chips, we were bound to be hunted down if we stayed on
Earth. Our salvation came from an envelope in the Professor’s
pocket in the form of career chips from his recently deceased crew.
You know what they say, any port in a storm!
freaked me out was when Fry cheered at the thought of being a
delivery boy! Still, I can’t complain. If he hadn’t
resisted at first, I’d have still been in that dead-end job.
So now I work as a Spaceship Pilot for a small delivery service…the
Planet Express. I can’t wait for tomorrow!
January 3, 3000
You wouldn’t think that a simple delivery
trip to the moon could turn into an adventure, would you? Well,
that’s only because you haven’t tried to do it with a guy
from the Stupid Ages, a spoiled rich girl, and a kleptomaniac,
antisocial robot. Of course, I’ve already introduced you to
Fry and Bender. Now I’ll introduce you to the spoiled little
rich girl of our group, Amy Wong.
Yes, you heard
right…Amy Wong…of the Mars Wongs. She is an
engineering intern at Planet Express! She dresses in a pink jogging
suit that bares her midriff. Why would somebody with that much money
dress like a homeless person? Oh well, there’s no accounting
believe I’ve ever seen a clumsier human being. She darned near
put my eye out with a cleaning pick! But I have to admit, she gives
every job 100%.
Anyway, back to the adventure.
Our day began when
Hermes – he’s the accountant/business manager at PE –
announced we had a delivery to take to the moon. Since Professor
Farnsworth chose me to be the Captain as well as the pilot, I was
determined to do a good job. What I couldn’t believe was how
excited Fry was when I told him we were going to the moon. He acted
like a kid in a candy store.
My original plan was to deliver the crate and come
straight home. I mean, what’s on the moon that I haven’t
seen a dozen times? However, Fry begged me to go and see Luna Park.
Why can’t I resist those puppy dog eyes of his?
So we wound up
touring the Park. What surprised me was Fry’s eagerness to go
out on the surface. I found myself thinking, “What could be
more boring than driving around on the surface of a dead moon?”
Still, the puppy dog eyes got to me again.
So, I suggested we go on the bumper cars to get us
onto the surface in a controlled and – so I thought –
safe environment. Fry was so excited he could barely contain
himself. Lord, he almost jerked my arm out of the socket as he
half-dragged me to the ride.
The ride was
uneventful until Fry managed to derail the car and go free-wheeling
on the surface. Oooh! He acted like such a jerk. But I kept my
cool and said, “Okay, you can drive around for ten minutes.
Then you’ll turn around and apologize for being such a jerk.
When the ten
minutes were up, I wanted him to turn back. Like a little boy, he
wanted to drive around just a bit more. In the next few seconds he
almost got us killed by driving us into a moon quicksand filled
Fry wasn’t very brave or resourceful. Sad to say, I had to
rescue us from the crater. When we got out, I was so angry that if
we hadn’t been linked together by our air hoses, I would have
left him. We were low on oxygen and too far away to make it to Luna
Park on foot. Just as Fry was ready to give up, we spotted a
The owner of the
farm was a moonbilly from the shallow end of the gene pool. He wore
a “The Moon Will Rise Again” hat, carried a shotgun, and
had three robot daughters. It was like something from a bad joke
about a traveling salesman!
He agreed to let us have some oxygen if we worked
for it until sunup. It seemed we were stuck there for an entire lunar
night…then until Bender showed up. We fled in the moonbilly’s
go cart and almost made it back to Luna Park. Once again fate
intervened, and an axle broke.
Luckily, we found
the Lunar Lander…lost for centuries…as we tried to stay
ahead of the advancing nightfall. We took refuge there. It was
during our brief time in the Lander that all the anger and
frustration that I had with Fry seemed to melt away.
No matter how much I try, his gentle spirit always
touches me. As I said earlier, he is one of the loneliest people
that I know, yet he is cheerful. I wish I could be as cheerful as
He so wanted me to
see the moon through his twentieth century eyes. Believe it or not
dear diary, I did. His plaintive description of how he saw the moon
was enough to melt my heart and open my eye. There is more to him
than meets the eye.
Thankfully, Amy came along and rescued us. Maybe
she isn’t such a klutz after all, because she surely worked the
controls to perfection. I wonder where she learned how to do that?
Diary, it is late and I must turn in….until next time.
March 14, 3000
Dear Diary - thank goodness it’s Friday!
The past few weeks
have been crazy, mostly because of my helping Fry and Bender in
finding a place to live. It all began innocently enough. Fry was
driving everyone crazy with his slovenly way of living at the Planet
Express building. He is a mess-making machine that really needs to
I don’t know what it is about that man. He
drives me crazy. One minute, he is doing something thoughtful or
sweet. Then, he follows up with some boneheaded stunt like drying
his hair with the ship’s engines! Ooooh!
Anyway, when we (it was unanimous) kicked Fry out,
Bender took him in as a roommate. Problem solved, right? WRONG!
apartment turned out to be about the size of a broom closet. So as a
result, Fry was soon in terrible physical shape because he couldn’t
lie down or move around very much. Oddly enough, Bender seemed
really cheerful as the result of having Fry for a roommate.
About two weeks ago, Fry came in with a crick in
his neck that was so bad – he looked like his neck was broken.
My womanly instincts got the better of me. He looked like a lost
puppy! So, I told him he needed to find a new place to stay. I
expected him to ignore my good advice, like he usually does. Instead
he told Bender, “Well, I’m moving out.”
I expected Bender
to react by burning Fry with a cigar or to at least curse him out.
Instead he appeared so sad! Now I had two lost puppies…one
human and one robotic! When will I learn?
The result was that I took them apartment shopping
over the next few days. Between giant squids, dimensions we couldn’t
use, and a location in New Jersey (Ugh) it was a painful process. We
were pretty discouraged until we found an apartment on the Upper West
Well, technically the Professor found it. One of
his friends, a Dr. Mobutu and his wife were torn to shreds…leaving
a very nice, rent-controlled apartment. Fry, Bender, and I
practically flew over there.
It was really
beautiful. If I was making a little more money, I’d have
broken my lease to get it. But it didn’t take long for Fry and
Bender to reduce the place to a pigsty. I mean, we came over for
their housewarming party just one day after they moved in and the
place already looked like a cyclone hit it. My hands itched; I
wanted to clean the place up so badly!
Anyway, during the party we discovered that
Bender’s antenna interfered with the TV reception in the whole
apartment building. The result – Bender got evicted. He was
so crushed when Fry didn’t go back to their old apartment.
I really laid into
Fry about letting that mob of neighbors throw Bender out. When I
tried to explain to him that Bender’s feelings were hurt he
just said, “Don’t girl me with that girl stuff.”
Rather than choke the life out of him, I left. Fry can be so dense
For the next two
weeks I had the nightmarish job of trying to keep track of a blind,
stinking, sober Bender. It wasn’t pretty! Five o’clock
rust is a nasty business.
When faced with the wreck of a robot that was once
Bender, I suggested a solution, that Bender remove his antenna. His
reaction was to call it ‘Little Bender’ and go on a two
week non-drinking binge that was truly horrible to behold.
Now it’s not my nature to interfere, but
after two weeks of suggesting that Fry help Bender, I felt it was
necessary to confront Fry directly. While Fry and I were exchanging
words, Bender staggered into the apartment. He looked so pitiful.
What he did next made me want to cry.
After telling Fry that he couldn’t live
alone anymore, Bender clipped off his antenna!
Right at that moment, ‘All My Circuits’
came on. The scene was a perfect illustration of the situation that
Fry and Bender were in…with the human not understanding the
robot’s position in life. I pointed that out and the two
idiots got it backwards!
apologized to Fry! Ooooh! Those two are like blotters. They soak
everything up and get it all backwards.
At least we were able to find ‘Little
Bender’ and get it reattached. Fry moved back in with Bender.
As it turns out, the Robot Arms Apartments is a converted set of
human apartments. The area where Bender slept was actually a
vestibule to a three room apartment!
So I guess all’s well that ends well.
Goodnight, dear diary!
April 13, 3000
This is the twelfth time I’ve tried to write
this entry. My last entry was “I may not have found love on
this mission, but I did find a cute little companion who excretes
starship fuel. And that’s just as good.”
Ooooh! That is so
wrong! I won’t lie to you, Dear Diary.
I may as well
confess – I slept with that gross, self-centered moron Zapp
Brannigan! He manipulated my pity for those who are lonely to
get me into bed with him. Ugh!
Why did I do it?
When Bender and Fry realized I had slept with Zapp, their looks made
me want to crawl away and die.
It might have been
forgivable if Zapp was a decent lover or a decent human being. He is
neither. No, he is just a self-centered pig who couldn’t
satisfy any woman. Well, to be perfectly honest, he played on
my desperate loneliness as well. Will I ever find someone to love?
Just a few days
before I met Zapp, I had a nice date with a guy named Doug. Doug
almost made me feel normal…then he licked the after-dinner
mints from his plate with his vile lizard tongue. What a turn-off!
Anyway, back to
the story. It all started innocently enough. The Professor sent us
on a mission to Vergon Six. As he put it, we were on a “tax
deductible mission of charity.” It seems the planet had been
full of Dark Matter until a DOOP mining crew dug it all out…leaving
the planet hollow and ready to collapse. So we went to save one pair
of each type of animal before the planet imploded.
The flight to the
Vergon System was a piece of cake, until we spotted the Nimbus –
Zapp’s ship. Just prior to our spotting of the Nimbus, Fry and
Bender were harassing me about my lack of a love life. That idiot
Bender tried to persuade me to manufacture a fellow Cyclops by using
a fork to poke someone’s eye out.
What do men –
or manbots - know about what a woman wants? I mean…really.
Fry and Bender are both so clueless, although Fry never has a nasty
edge like Bender.
When I was a
little girl in the Orphanarium, I used to dream about finding my true
love. I always envisioned him as adventurous, self-confident, with a
good deal of fashion sense. From what I always heard about Zapp
Brannigan in the media, he seemed to fit that mould. So, I must
admit that sighting the Nimbus gave me a flutter or two.
It must have been
pretty obvious, because Fry started teasing me with a grade-school
chant of, “Leela’s got a boyfriend!” Fry. He is
so immature at times.
At any rate, we docked with the Nimbus and met
Zapp on the bridge. He really laid the flattery on thick, calling me
“Beautiful and deadly – a potent combination.” I
fell for it. Boy was I dumb!
We went to the
mess hall to have lunch. Things were going well, until I mentioned
our mission to Vergon Six. Zapp started a nonsensical rant about
“Brannigan’s Law.” When I tried to reason with
him, the pompous dimwit clapped Fry, Bender and I in the brig!
After a short
while his First Officer, Lieutenant Kif Kroker came and got me. If I
had known what was ahead, I would have refused to leave the cell.
Instead, I went along…confident in my ability to talk some
sense into Brannigan. When we reached the hatch to Zapp’s
quarters, Lieutenant Kroker held out a skimpy outfit and said, “And
he wants you to wear this.” It took a lot to avoid punching
Lieutenant Kroker’s lights out, but I managed to knock on the
hatch to Zapp’s quarters instead.
What met my eye when I entered really shocked me.
The room was ablaze with candles, most of the furnishings were in red
or pink, and there was a larger-than-life portrait of Zapp hanging on
the wall directly opposite the entrance. But the piece-de-resistance
was the heart-shaped hoverbed with Zapp’s bloated carcass
sprawled on it in his bathrobe.
After some juvenile attempts at seductive
behavior…including offering me champagne (which he
mispronounced “Sham-pagin”), Zapp turned on the tears.
That really threw me for a loop. I’d never seen a grown man
cry like that. When he said “I’m just so lonely” I
let pity overwhelm my common sense.
I wish I could
erase the memory of what we did next but only time can do that. When
I woke up afterwards, realized where I was and what I had done…I
screamed. It didn’t wake Zapp, so I tried to get dressed and
tiptoe out without waking him. No such luck!
Zapp called out, “Good morning, lover.”
The sound of his voice made my flesh creep. When I tried to explain
that our ‘encounter’ was a mistake, the deluded idiot
felt sure that sooner or later I’d “come crawling back to
When I told Zapp I
was going to Vergon Six to rescue the animals no matter what, his
answer made me realize that the moron really thought that I was going
to come back for what he called, “sweet, sweet candy.”
Ooooh! I would
have liked to beat him up, but we had a mission to complete.
When I went and
got Fry and Bender out of the brig, I just knew that they knew. I
felt so dirty. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I responded
to almost any question about Zapp with, “We just talked. Okay?”
Both of them were so clueless that it worked…for a while.
We managed to
round up all of the animals with little trouble. We had found every
animal except the Hermaphflamingo when I found a lovable three-eyed
ball of black and white fur no bigger than a small dog. Bender and
Fry wanted to cook and eat him, but I adopted him as a pet. I named
him Nibbler, because he was nibbling on a rock when I found him.
To keep him safe,
I put him in the hold with the other animals we had collected. What
a mistake! When Bender caught the Hermaphflamingo we needed, we went
to put it in the hold. We were puzzled at first, because the hold
was empty except for Nibbler. As soon as Bender put the
Hermaphflamingo down, we discovered what had happened to all of the
other animals. Nibbler gobbled the bird down like a kid eating a
Before we could go out and try to gather some more
animals, the planet began to implode. We rushed to the bridge, all
thoughts of rescuing animals gone from our heads. When I tried to
lift off, the engines wouldn’t start. We were out of fuel!
Once again, that lazy idiot Bender had put all of
our lives at jeopardy. Even though I had ordered him to fill the
tank before we left Earth, he had simply sloughed it off.
Fry’s suggested that we call Zapp for help.
My refusal to seek Zapp’s help made both Fry and Bender
suspicious. My secret was out! I’ve never been so embarrassed
in my entire life. Still, there was nothing to do but call Zapp and
ask for help.
If Zapp had acted like a decent human being, he
might have gained a little ground with me. Instead, he played the
complete jackass…even forcing me to ask for help “more
I don’t think ‘sexfully’ is a
word, but I knew what he wanted. I had to choke back my anger, but I
did it. While I was pleading with that gross, stupid gorilla, little
Nibbler climbed onto my shoulder. Zapp actually had the nerve to say
that he wouldn’t rescue us until I got rid of Nibbler.
That was the last
straw! After a few choice words, I hung up the videophone.
Truthfully, I would have sooner died at that point than ever ask Zapp
As it turned out, Nibbler saved the day. Right
after I hung up, Nibbler pooped enough Dark Matter for us to escape
Vergon Six just before it imploded! As it turns out, we managed to
save some of the animals that weren’t killed in the initial
implosion/explosion. So the mission wasn’t a complete
Well, dear diary, I need to get a little sleep. I
hope that I’ll never see that pompous buffoon Zapp ever again
but I know that is probably a false hope. Oh well, I’ll worry
about that when it happens. Good night!
May 1, 3000
Bender is such a lazy bum. He makes Fry look
industrious! Fry…for some reason, it really bugs me when
Bender takes advantage of Fry. There are times I’d like to
just dismantle Bender.
Still, Bender is my friend…although I’m
not sure he appreciates the fact. But I think our latest delivery
may have made him appreciate Fry and me a little more.
It all began right after we got back from our trip
to Vergon Six. The Professor was so pleased with our performance
that he sprang for the price of admission to a blernsball game.
When he announced that we were going to a game and
he was paying, I almost fainted. Really, you have no idea how cheap
that amoral old goat is…he is so cheap he squeaks.
Anyway, we went to
watch the New-New York Yankees pound the snot out of the Mars
Greenskins. It’s funny, I don’t think of Fry as being
from the Stupid Ages much anymore. He fits in so well. But when he
showed his ignorance of blernsball, his being out of place came home
to me again.
thought it was like Stupid Ages baseball! I wanted to laugh when he
said, “Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this game. The
blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and
the infield blern rule is in effect, right?”
I should have been
nicer to him. Instead I replied in a sarcastic voice, “Except
for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish.” I
don’t know why I snap at him so much. He’s really a good
As soon as I
snapped at Fry, Miller hit his 52nd blern of the season!
Wow! He’s on a pace to hit 70 blerns this season. Oh my, I
got distracted…where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, Fry took my
sarcasm with his usual good nature.
Before the game
was over, Hermes wound up calling us back to the office for a
delivery to Chapek 9, a planet inhabited by a crew of murderous
radical robot separatists. As usual, Bender tried to get out of
doing any work. He tried to take time off by claiming it was
Robanukkah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
Really! If Bender
used half the energy doing work that he expend trying to avoid
work, he’d be a great co-worker. Instead, he invents holidays
like Robamadan and Robonzaa or diseases like Roberculosis just to
continue to sit on his shiny metal butt.
Just as usually,
the dangerous situation didn’t faze the Professor. When faced
with sending a squabbling crew on a delivery to a planet where
everyone would want to kill them, his only thoughts were, “Well
then it's settled. So long, everyone!”
The trip was fairly routine. Fry and Bender
picked at each other the whole way there. I felt such an urge to
just knock their heads together.
Once we arrived, I
put the ship into a hover over the surface. Bender, Fry and I went
to the cargo hold together. After opening the ventral cargo hatch, I
lowered the magnetic winch. I gave Bender some pretty specific
instructions. Bender climbed onto the winch and, after replying to
my instructions with a few sarcastic words, he descended to the
After he left, I
felt my anger at him just blow away. So Fry and I went onto the
bridge and prepared a Robanukkah party for his return. It looked
pretty nice. Fry surprised me by his artistic ideas for the beer
bottle Menorah and the banner. Just when I think I have him figured
out, he does something to surprise me.
Then we got the
call. Bender got himself captured by the robot separatists! After a
few minutes discussion, Fry and I came up with a plan. Within a
short while, we used some odds-and-ends from the ship to disguise
ourselves as robots. Then we took the winch down to the surface.
I have to say that my heart was in my throat on
the trip down. Fry was obviously scared, but he didn’t
We headed straight for the city gate. Just before
we passed through, two things that looked like pillars suddenly
transformed into two huge robot guards. We tried to bluff our way
through. The robots weren’t too sure, so they administered
what they called, “The test.”
One of the guard
robots said, “Which of the following would you most prefer? A,
a puppy; B, a pretty flower from your sweetie or; C, a large
properly-formatted data file?”
The other shouted, “Choose!”
Fry and I
whispered to each other trying to figure out the answer. I’m
ashamed to say that Fry knew the answer right away. I wanted us to
pick the puppy. I’m glad we didn’t. Instead, I said,
“Then we'll go with that data file.”
The guards transformed back into pillars. So, we
got into the city without further ado. We sort of wandered around,
looking for Bender. It seemed hopeless.
Then Fry had to
use the bathroom. It was sort of funny to see him trying to robot
walk with his legs held tightly together. Then I felt sympathy for
him – even though I’d told him to use the bathroom before
we left the ship.
I sent him behind some garbage cans to do his
business. Unfortunately, a robot came by who thought Fry was leaking
coolant. The robot offered to patch him up with some searing-hot
resin. The look of alarm on Fry’s face was priceless!
We almost managed to bluff our way out of that
predicament, until I sneezed. Then a klaxon began to sound,
“Intruder Alert, Intruder Alert!” Shouts of “Get
the humanoids!” and “Get the intruders!” rang out.
We ducked into a
theater and shook our pursuers. It was a ridiculous “horror”
movie in which humans breathed fire and ate robots. Plus, the
three-dimensional effects didn’t work.
After the movie we
took part in the daily human hunt. Every day at five in the
afternoon, the robots of Chapek 9 go on a ritual hunt for humans.
Watching them look beneath small rocks and beat tiny bushes with
clubs would have been funny, except that a laugh would have probably
gotten both Fry and I killed. I bit my lip until it almost bled,
As the hunt was
concluding, Fry noticed a dilapidated old building, “Hey Leela,
that looks like the Robot Porno Theater Bender hangs out at on Earth!
Let’s go wait there. I bet he’ll show up.”
I nodded in agreement. When we entered the
building, sure enough, there he was! We were so relieved to see him
that we partially took off our disguises. When we tried to persuade
him to come with us, he refused. We were on our way out of the
building, when the Robot Mayor and his entourage walked in.
The Robot Mayor yelling, “Bender! Do
Bender grabbed us,
“Uh ... got you ... you murderous flesh piles!”
They dragged us
off to the so called “Hall of Justice” where we were put
on trial and convicted without even a chance of making a defense.
What a joke.
As soon as the
Robot Judge found us guilty, we were dumped from the courtroom into a
dark room. We must have fallen about fifteen feet. It was pitch
black. Then a light came on and we saw the five Robot Elders. They
were tall robots with bulbous eyes of different colors. They wore
identical brown hooded robes.
I tried to get an
explanation of what was going on, but the Red Elder simply said,
“Silence! Bring in Bender.”
Then Bender walked
in. He was certainly surprised to see us. When he asked “Hey,
what is this?” the Blue Elder spoke replied, “Silence!
It is time to put the humans to death!”
The Elders ordered Bender to kill us. I don’t
ever remember being so scared in my whole life. But Bender refused.
He explained that we were his friends and that we had never
That didn’t matter to the Robot Elders.
They wanted us dead. Since Bender wouldn’t do it for them, the
Robot Elders prepared to “execute function control-shift-kill.”
Their hands withdrew up their robes and re-emerged as ray guns!
Fry saved the day.
Inspired by the movie we had watched earlier at the Robot Cinema, he
stepped forward and shouted menacingly, “Stop! Take one more
step and I'll breathe fire on you!”
They were so
confused that we managed to make our escape.
Once again, Fry surprised me with his quick
thinking and bravery. How can he act so goofy one moment and then
save the day in the next? Oh well, I guess life has to have some
Anyway, I never
saw Fry or Bender run so fast. I had trouble keeping up with them.
Of course, the mob of robots in hot pursuit of us who were baying for
our blood did lend wings to our feet.
When we jumped onto the winch and began to ascend,
I thought we had escaped. But the robots began to stack one on top
of the other to try and catch us. Bender saved us by handing them he
package we had originally risked our lives to deliver. It unbalanced
the stack of robots and down they went.
Back on the ship, we managed to make a clean
Once we were in deep space, we had the Robanukkah
party for Bender after all. Other than a little scrap between Fry
and Bender, things went well.
So another mission
ended without any of us getting killed, maimed, or mauled. All’s
well that ends well!
May 15, 3000
Today I had
anchovies on a pizza! They were awful, kind of what you’d
expect for a fish that Decapodians would love. And to think that Fry
turned down Mom’s offer to buy them so he could share them with
Perhaps I need to go back to the beginning.
Last week, we were sitting in the usual boring
morning meeting at Planet Express when we were reminded that Fry is
from another time and place.
know that advertisements are beamed into your dreams! He was
actually indignant about it. Can you believe it?
At least the discussion led us all to do some
shopping. Amy, Bender, Fry and I wound up at Alien Overlord and
Taylor. The Professor and Hermes wound up going into Little Neptune
to “buy some things.”
Anyway, that idiot Bender got collared for
shoplifting. For a robot that claims to be a criminal mastermind, he
sure does some amateurish stuff. I almost laughed when I saw him in
a tacky green turtleneck sweater with scads of merchandise stuffed
As usual, we went to bail him out. The bail was
$80 but we only had $79.50. Stupid Bender, if he hadn’t stolen
my wallet we would have been able to spring him. But then, Fry
wouldn’t have become a billionaire.
That’s right, a billionaire!
When Fry realized we were short by $.50, he was
upset. That is, until he noticed a branch office of the Big Apple
It was only a
short walk, so we all went over. Fry went up to the teller and after
some conversation, pulled out his ATM card. What an example of
Stupid Ages technology!
It worked, though.
I can still remember what the teller said, “OK,
you had a balance of 93 cents…”
Fry seemed elated, “Alright!”
Then the teller continued, “And at an
average of two-and-a-quarter percent interest over a period of 1000
years, that comes to…four point three billion dollars.”
Fry hyperventilated and passed out.
It took a while to revive him. It didn’t
take long for Fry to start spending, though.
That afternoon, he held a big party at Planet
Express. We all had to wear top hats. Frankly, I think we looked
ridiculous. The champagne was pretty good.
For the next
couple of days, Fry spent money like it was water. He took Bender and
me to Le Spa for a complete treatment. Oh, the massage was heavenly!
I even took a full-body mud bath.
Later that day, we
went famous painting shooting. Really. Fry, Bender, and I blasted
the Mona Lisa with our first shot. Fry can really get things done
when he puts his mind to it…which he seldom does,
That evening, we
went to the Original Cosmic Ray’s for pizza. Fry told us to
“keep the tab under 50 million dollars.” He must have
been joking. You could buy the whole restaurant for a whole lot
The Robot Chef came over to take our order. Fry
kept asking for anchovies – which everyone knows have been
extinct for 800 years. The poor Chef went into overload and his head
exploded. We finally went and got Chinese.
I don’t know what got into Fry, but he went
from joyously spending money on others to obsessing about surrounding
himself with Stupid Ages junk.
Five days ago, he
went out and bought a historic 20th Century Apartment. It
was in a ritzy neighborhood and probably cost millions. He had it
filled with awful Twentieth Century junk. As if that wasn’t
enough, he went to Staadgi and Staadgi Auctioneers to buy more junk!
I tried to talk
some sense into him, but he wouldn’t listen. That’s Fry
for you, the more wrong he is, the more stubborn he becomes if you
point it out. Sometimes he is such a blockhead.
I nearly passed out when he bought a can of stupid
anchovies…dead fish…for fifty million dollars! Even
worse, he got them after a bidding war with Mom. Such a kind, sweet
old lady…how could Fry have bid against her? But then, I keep
forgetting that he’s not from our time.
Once he got all the junk to his apartment, Fry
became a recluse. When he didn’t come to work for three days,
Bender and I went to see if he was OK. We found him sitting in the
dark, listening to classical music.
Bender and I tried to reason with him, but Fry
turned a deaf ear to us. He wanted to live in the past and told us,
“Just leave me alone.”
As I left, I turned to reason with him one last
time. He slammed the door in my face and caught my ponytail! Oooh!
I could have killed him.
Bender came to the rescue by picking the lock. I
wanted to go in and kick Fry’s butt, but Bender persuaded me
Little did I know that after less than twenty-four
hours, Fry would be broke except for his can of anchovies. Somebody
robbed him of everything he had.
Why can’t I
stay mad at him? When he said, “Leela! Bender! I missed you so
much!” my heart leaped. He was so sincere and so needy.
As I said earlier, he was getting ready to use his
anchovies to make us a pizza when Mom showed up. She offered to buy
the anchovies, but Fry refused her point-blank. She took it
gracefully when she finally realized we were going to eat them.
There were only two of us who liked the anchovies
– Fry and Zoidberg. As a matter of fact, Zoidberg went
slightly crazier than usual when he smelled the anchovies. Heck, he
went berserk. I know he’s an eating machine, but he polished
off the pizza in five seconds flat.
He kept running around shouting, “More!
The Professor finally zapped him with a stun
stick. It calmed Zoidberg down like a charm.
So, Dear Diary, now you know the whole story. I’d
write more, but it’s getting late. See you later!
May 29, 3000
Just when I think
I’ve seen it all, something comes along that proves me wrong.
Believe it or not, Fry became Emperor of Tri-Sol for a few days!
Just how did a
twenty-five year old delivery boy become the Emperor of an entire
Well, it all
started about a week ago when I caught Bender watching a cooking
show! He tried to tell me he was watching robot porn, but I saw
Elzar just as clear as day! It seems that Bender has always been
interested in cooking. Too bad his interest in cooking didn’t
translate to cooking ability.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Right after I
caught Bender watching the Essence of Elzar show, we had one of our
daily company meetings. Hermes was in rare form. He finally got
around to demanding that Bender do something for his pay.
Bender volunteered as the ship’s cook.
Since the ship’s pantry was empty, Fry,
Bender and I went down into Little Neptune to pick up some supplies.
While we were there, Fry almost got his lungs carved out by an
unlicensed street organ hustler and his goon.
Anyway, Bender and I saved Fry just before he got
carved up like a Xmas Turkey.
Oooh! Fry can be so infuriating. When I
cautioned him to be careful, he got an attitude. I axe you, what do
you do with a man like that? He can be so sweet and endearing one
moment. Then he follows it up by acting like a jerk.
We argued all the
way back to the Planet Express Lounge. We were still arguing when
Professor Farnsworth came in to tell us we were making a delivery to
Tri-Sol in the forbidden Zone.
When I asked, “Professor, are we even
allowed in the Forbidden Zone?”
He replied, “Why,
of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No
Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!”
Before I could
reply he said, “Off you go. Pleasant trip!”
Since we were having some trouble with the Number
2 Dark Matter Converter, Amy came along. Zoidberg hitched a ride
because he was bored.
The trip was uneventful, that is except for the
dinner. It was Bender’s first meal, so I encouraged everyone
to be supportive. That was before I tasted dinner. It was the
saltiest slug I’ve ever had…served with a glass of salt
I think we were all still feeling the effects of
the dinner when we landed on Tri-Sol a few hours later. We set down
at the landing pad about a mile from the Palace.
Before Fry took off with the package, I warned him
to stay out of trouble. He actually mocked me to my face! He was
making “yak-yak” motions with his hand while rolling his
eyes. I smacked his hand. He’s lucky I didn’t punch his
While Fry took his stroll though the 130 degree
heat, I ran a few system checks with Amy. Bender, as usual, did
nothing while Zoidberg rooted through the garbage for leftovers.
About two hours
after Fry left, I began to get worried. He never moves very fast on
any delivery, but two hours – even allowing for his having to
wait because of Palace protocol – was setting a slowness
I scanned the area between the landing pad and the
Palace. I could clearly see that Fry had made it to the palace…but
there were no return tracks.
“Damn.” I muttered loudly enough for
Amy to hear.
She grinned and
asked in a voice just dripping with innuendo, “Worried about
that I might be worried about Fry as something other than a friend
startled me. My reply sounded a bit strained, “Yes, just as I
would be for any other crew member.”
“Oh, I see.” Amy replied with the grin
still on her face.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Before I could respond Bender sauntered onto the
bridge, “Hey big boots, isn’t Fry back yet?”
“No,” I replied.
“Then let’s go get him. I’ve
got a hot date with some fembot floozies when we get back.”
Anyway, we trudged off to the Palace. I half
expected to have to rescue Fry from some dungeon. What I found
absolutely blew my mind.
Fry had become Emperor of Tri-Sol! He was seated
on a golden throne inside the palace, with two Tri-Solian females
How did he become
Emperor? Get ready for this…he drank the old Emperor. After
I warned him not to touch anything, he picked up the first thing he
saw and drank it. He just never listens.
Worse was yet to come.
As his Captain, I
ordered Fry back to the ship. Did he listen…NO! He decided
to stay, a high-quality decision that almost cost him his life.
Looking back, I realize that no one else seemed to
think it odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out
of the sky, kill the emperor, and be rewarded instead of punished.
Why am I always the one to see the danger? Why am I always saving
Fry’s butt when I should be kicking it?
At any rate, Fry
invited us all to his Pre-Coronation Gala. While the others went
straight to the party, I did a little investigating. What I found
out horrified me. I discovered that the average Emperor of Tri-Sol
reigned for one week! I also found out that the penalty for
failing to recite the royal oath from memory was instant death.
Of course I went to warn Fry. I took him the Hall
of the Emperors so he could see what I had found. It didn’t
bother him a bit.
Earlier when the Tri-Solian High Priest, Merg,
told Fry that he had to recite the royal oath absolutely flawlessly
from memory, it didn’t seem to faze Fry one bit. When I told
Fry that he would be killed on the spot if he failed to recite the
oath from memory, he simply waved dismissively and said, “Yeah,
I was going to thumb through that later.”
Can you believe it?
His response to my
pleading with him to see reason was to tell a pointless story about
the ant and the grasshopper. It was so frustrating! So I said, “I
give up! You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be
here to save you.”
He responded with,
“Who asked you to? I told you a hundred times to stop treating
me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging
I don’t know
what kept me from stomping him right then and there. As it was, I
shouted, “That's it! I'm never helping you again! If
anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship.” Then
I stormed off.
The next couple of hours are kind of
a blur. I couldn’t help it, but once I left the palace I
sobbed all the way back to the ship. As big of a pain as Fry can be,
I still have feelings for him. Without him, I’d never have
become a Star Ship Captain. The thought of his dying because I wasn’t
there to save him was unbearable.
Back on board the ship, I paced
around like a caged lioness. To ease my tension, I decided that a
good workout would let off some steam. So, I headed to the cargo bay
and set up my Arcturan Kung-Fu stuff. To my shame, I admit that I
stuck Fry’s picture on the punching bag.
It felt good to pound it, though.
Finally, the call for help came…in
the form of a collect call from Bender. Why they chose Bender to
reason with me, I’ll never know. I guess that…deep
down…they realized that I wanted to help Fry, no matter what.
I couldn’t see allowing Fry to be killed to get the old Emperor
– who apparently wasn’t dead – out of his body.
Right after the conversation began,
it took a bizarre turn. Somehow, we began to talk about what I liked
best about Bender! I’ll have to admit, I do like his
After grabbing a utility belt, I
headed for the Palace. It was surrounded by a sea of obviously
unhappy Tri-Solians. Some of them tried to stop me, but I made short
work of them. Honestly, I think I could conquer that planet with a
But I digress.
I scaled the wall to enter the Throne
Room. When I got there, I found a very different Philip J. Fry. To
say that Fry was humbled by his experience is an understatement.
Realizing that he was crying because he thought I was dead had a
powerful effect on me. Before me was the lovable, vulnerable,
thoughtful Fry that I care about so much.
The problem before us was that Fry
needed to cry the Emperor out of his system. I knew what we had to
do. We had to speed up his crying.
So I said, “Listen,
Fry, I think I can get us out of this if you're willing to let me
took me back to that day in the ruins of old New York, “Thanks,
Leela. From now on, I'll take all the help you're willing to give. I
know you just want what's best for me.”
I don’t like to dwell on what we did next.
We pinched, punched, tweaked, twisted, hair-pulled, and cigar burned
Fry into producing a river of tears. It was a tough process, but we
finally got the Emperor out.
I had to persuade the newly freed
Emperor from continuing to beat Fry with a chair. Enough is enough,
Once the Emperor was shown to the
surrounding crowd, something like normality returned. The
Tri-Solians went into their nocturnal phase. It was really quite
beautiful. But I decided we didn’t need to hang around. After
all, somebody might assassinate this Emperor…somebody who
didn’t like “solids.”
Our trip home was uneventful. The
Number Two Dark Matter Converter is working perfectly. Zoidberg
consumed every bit of garbage on the ship. Best of all, the Fry that
I care about is back. I hope he’s come back to stay.
Well, Dear Diary, it’s time for
bed. See you later.
June 7, 3000
Once again, Fry
has managed to completely surprise me. New-New York was threatened
with destruction by a huge hunk of garbage and Fry showed us how to
survive. Or did he just postpone our day of reckoning in a typical
20th Century fashion?
Anyway, I guess the best place to begin is at the
It all started right after we went to the Academy
of Inventor’s Annual Symposium. The Professor decided to take
what he thought was his latest invention – a death clock –
to compete for the Academy Prize.
The Symposium was
a nice affair, even if most of those attending were over a hundred
years old. We ran into the Professor’s worst enemy, a nasty,
self-centered old geezer named Ogden Wernstrom. He and the Professor
had a sharp exchange of words before Wernstrom wandered off for his
I sure was glad to
see Wernstrom go before I lost my self control. The Professor may be
a cranky, amoral old crackpot…but he’s my cranky,
amoral old crackpot! Besides, I hate seeing anyone try to bully
At any rate, we killed the time before the
presentations of each invention by chatting and munching on the hors
de oeuvres. They were pretty bland, but what do you expect at a
gathering of old geezers?
Wernstrom led off
the presentations. He showed off his “Reverse Scuba Suit.”
Believe it or not, a fish actually put the darned contraption on,
climbed out of the tank, and fetched a stick!
On his way off the
stage, Wernstrom came by the table and sneered, “And what will
you be presenting this evening, grandpa?”
The Professor retorted, “Let’s just
say it’ll put you young whippersnappers in your place!”
Wernstrom replied in a disdainful tone, “I
just hope it’s not as lame as that death clock you presented
I could see the Professor almost go into shock as
Wernstrom walked away. Then the Professor grabbed a dinner napkin
and began to scribble furiously.
Some of the
inventions were pretty nerdy. The one just before the Professor went
on stage kind of took the cake. The scientist…I think his
name was Reginald Nerdis…had a helicopter beanie!
It really pains me
to write these next few lines. When the Professor went up in front
of the crowd with his dinner napkin presentation, he bombed
miserably. He was jeered off the stage. We took him home and he
wept all the way there. He was still sniffling when we got to the
What is it about me and crying men? Why am I such
a sucker for tears? That idiot Zapp Brannigan played on that
weakness to get me into bed. I’m just glad the Professor
didn’t try to put the move on me. Anyway, where was I? Oh,
Fry encouraged the
Professor not to give up. Granted, he said it in one of the goofiest
ways possible, but it worked.
The Professor shouted, “By God, you’re
right! I’m going to build that Smellescope!”
The next morning
Bender, Fry and I went up to the attic where the Professor normally
builds his inventions. We…well, I was a little worried. We
hadn’t seen the Professor for 12 hours. At his age, he could
have fallen and not been able to get up.
Just as we reached the door we heard the Professor
We were all so startled that we ran into the attic
room. The Professor stood before what looked like a telescope on
steroids. Fry asked, “Did you build the Smellescope?”
The Professor responded with, “No, I
remembered I’d built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You’ll
find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here,
I’ll point it at Jupiter.”
Fry smelled around for a while before he found
what had to be the most awful smelling object in the Galaxy. After I
realized that it was moving, the professor determined that it would
strike New-New York in less than 72 hours!
We did some research on the Internet to try to
determine where it came from. It turns out that the object was a ball
of garbage launched into space by New York in 2052. When we found
that out, I couldn’t help saying, “Fry, what the hell
were you people thinking back then? How could you just throw your
For the next few
minutes I tried to explain to a very defensive Fry how in the 31st
Century, we recycle everything. He just didn’t see the wisdom
of our approach. I remember thinking, “Now I know why we call
that time period ‘the Stupid Ages.’”
Within a few
minutes, the Professor, Bender, Fry and I were standing in front of
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer’s desk at Citihall. We explained
the situation to him but he didn’t seem quite convinced. So,
he called in his science advisor…none other than Wernstrom!
After an unpleasant exchange between Wernstrom and
the Professor, Poopenmeyer decided that we were right. He picked up
his phone and called in the military. The result of our meeting was
the conclusion that the only way to keep the Garbage Ball from
burying New-New York was to blast it apart with precisely positioned
Guess who got the mission?
We made it to the
Garbage Ball with very little trouble. When we got there, I couldn’t
believe how excited Fry became about a monstrous pile of filth. He
started raving about how it was a “glorious monument to the
achievements of the 20th Century.”
He started digging
through piles of filth like an excited terrier looking for a fox. I
have to laugh when I think of how Fry suddenly sat bolt-upright with
his head stuck in a plastic six-pack holder. He was gasping for air
and tugging frantically at the plastic.
Of course, I cut him loose.
After that little bit of fun, we went to plant the
explosives. When we got to the right spot, I activated the
time-delay detonator. We were supposed to have 25 minutes to get
away. As it turned out, the Professor set the detonator for 52
seconds…not 25 minutes.
I was furious! We were all going to die because
of the Professor. I’m ashamed to say, but we all went a bit
crazy. We threw the bomb back and forth before Bender threw it into
space. It detonated harmlessly.
Our reception when
we returned to Earth was decidedly chilly. There were hostile crowds
with signs outside the Planet Express Building. All the way to
Citihall we were jeered at by passers-by.
I was both angry
and a bit dejected…that is until I saw the Professor at
Citihall. He was so upset with himself that I couldn’t stay
angry at him. I got angry at the Mayor when he brought that rat
Wernstrom in, calling him a “real scientist.”
What really got my
goat was that Wernstrom managed to con the mayor out of a tenured
position, a big research grant, and five research assistants! Then he
walked out, leaving the city to its fate.
I’m glad that the Professor came up with
part of the answer to avoiding having the city crushed by a wandering
ball of garbage. He realized that we needed something just like the
Garbage Ball to knock it away without causing it to break up.
really funny is that Fry completed the answer by suggesting garbage!
Not only that, he showed us how to do something we 31st
Century sophisticates had forgotten how to do – make garbage!
In less than a
day, we had enough garbage to make a ball large enough to do the job.
Believe it or not, when we had our garbage ball perched on top of a
rocket, ready to launch, that jerk Wernstrom showed up! He mocked
the Professor, saying “If my calculations are correct, we’re
all going to die horribly.”
I’m so glad we showed him up! The rocket
worked perfectly! Well, almost perfectly. It did knock the old
Garbage Ball into the Sun. But the other garbage ball flew off into
space, destination unknown.
Later that day, the Professor got the Academy
prize which the Mayor confiscated from Wernstrom, “after it
became apparent that he was a jackass.”
The Mayor praised Fry, too. The crowd cheered
loudly and then began to really celebrate. For a moment, I felt as
if I was the only sane person on the square. I asked, “Should
we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second garbage ball
returns to Earth like the first one did?”
Fry’s response apparently summed up everyone
else’s feelings, “Who cares? That won’t be for
hundreds of years.”
It seems that
we’ve gone back to the Stupid Ages. Oh well, you can’t
win them all! Good night Dear Diary! I’ve written enough for
July 14, 3000
Sorry I haven’t written in a while. There
wasn’t much happening until a week ago. Then over the short
space of a few days, Bender put us through the torments of Robot Hell
Now I don’t
want to sound judgmental, but Bender really has a talent for causing
trouble. Like most of us, he is a mixture of good and bad. The
problem is that his good side normally surrenders to his evil
impulses without much of a struggle.
Our latest brush
with death – or worse – began after we went to a Beastie
Boys Concert. They were in good form, busting mad rhymes with an 80%
success rate. Bender was on good behavior, even pouring Fry a beer
from his chest cavity. But, nothing good lasts forever.
The first sign of
trouble was when Fry and Bender jumped into what Fry called “an
old-fashioned mosh pit.” He seemed so excited when he jumped
in! So, like an idiot, I followed him in. People were just knocking
each other around, slamming into each other and crowding so close
there was no way we could dance.
Well, you know how
much I hate being jostled. So, I used a little Arcturan Kung-Fu to
clear the area. Mosh pits must be a guy thing from the Stupid Ages.
Only a guy or a manbot could enjoy one.
Anyway, I climbed
back to my seat without having to pound anyone else. Fry and Bender
joined me just in time to sit through the final number. Just as the
concert ended, an old friend of Bender’s named Fender came by
our seats. He invited us to meet the band.
Wow! We actually
met the real Beastie Boys! I can hardly believe it, we got
backstage and everything. They sure were cute. If only they weren’t
just heads in jars. While Fry and I were talking with them, Bender
disappeared. If I had known what trouble Bender was going to put us
through, I’d have chased him down and pounded some sense into
It’s funny, I sort of suspected that
something odd was going on. I mean, after the show Bender kept
disappearing into the bathroom every five minutes. The odd noises
coming out of the bathroom, the smell of ozone and his obsessive need
for privacy should have alerted me sooner.
I finally became
so suspicious that I actually knocked on the door and asked, “Are
you jacking on in there?”
He replied “No! Don’t come in!”
Before I could continue, the Professor came in
with a box of subpoenas that we had to deliver to Sicily 8, the Mob
They say what you don’t know won’t
hurt you. Well, it isn’t true about electricity abuse. Bender
almost got us all killed on what should have been a routine mission.
a creepy sort of way…happened when we were on Sicily 8. Big
Vinnie was the fruitiest example of a mob boss I’d ever seen.
Instead of the traditional black pin striped suit, he wore a purple
and silver sequined number. He even wore rouge and lipstick!
He really seemed
interested in Fry. I tried to spare Fry’s feelings by
pretending not to notice and not laughing, but it was so hard!
Even Fry, who can be slow to pick up on a
situation, had his “Gaydar” go off. When he handed Big
Vinnie the box of subpoenas, Big Vinnie grabbed Fry and gave him a
big kiss, right on the lips! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
As we were heading home, Fry was still rattled a
bit. He sat without speaking for a while. Then he spoke up, “I
know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of death but I still
think he was gay.”
Fry caught me a bit by surprise and I just said
the first thing that popped into my head, “Did he use his
It was Fry’s response that really floored
me, “A little.”
Ugh! I thought I was going to barf. I was so
grossed out by what had happened to Fry and so engrossed by an
electrical disturbance in the Coal Sack Nebula, that I didn’t
notice Bender slip out of the cockpit.
Do you now what the jerk did? He steered us into
the middle of the disturbance to feed his habit. He got so toasted,
both of his legs melted. If that was all that had happened, I
wouldn’t have been so angry at him.
electrical discharges damned near fried all of the navigational
electronics as well as some of the primary control systems. That
nitwit nearly destroyed the ship…and Fry and me with it!
How we made it home I’ll never know.
Once Amy jack
hammered Bender from his perch atop the ship, Fry, Zoidberg and I
really gave Bender a talking to. The trouble was it pushed him to
another extreme, one even more annoying – but not as dangerous
– as his electricity abuse.
What was this extreme, you ask?
Bender found religion! When he came in the next
morning, he was wearing a natty looking bow tie and singing
cheerfully. Fry thought he was whacked out on electricity. But no,
Bender announced he’d found religion.
If I’d have known that this would lead us to
Robot Hell, I never would have said, “Give him a break, Fry.
If this helps Bender clean up his act, then I think we should be
supportive.” Sometimes I could just kick myself!
At any rate,
everyone agreed with me. As a result, we all wound up going to
Bender’s “exceedingly long, un-air conditioned baptism
ceremony.” The ceremony wasn’t that bad. When they
welded the symbol of Robotology to Bender’s chest, we knew that
the ceremony was finally over.
Can you believe it? As a reward for our
attendance, Bender decided to treat us all to Elzar’s for
We each ordered our favorite meal. When it
arrived, we were all very hungry. Hermes summed up how we all felt
when he said, “Mon, I’m hungrier than a Green Snake in a
sugar cane field.”
Bender kept us waiting while he said “Robot Grace.” He
droned on for what must have been twenty minutes. By the time we got
to eat, the food was cold. I didn’t care; I ate it as quickly
as I could. Then I made an excuse – I think it involved ghosts
– and went home.
As I slumped into bed, I remember thinking, “It
can’t get any worse.” How wrong I was!
The next day I
went into the Hangar and – lo and behold! What did I see?
That idiot Bender was sticking a symbol of his religion onto my
ship, saying “That ought to convert a few tailgaters.”
Oooh! That was
it! I hatched a plot with Fry and the Professor to reacquaint Bender
with a little thing called sleaze. That afternoon we headed for the
Sin City of the East – Atlantic City, New Jersey.
Right after we arrived, Bender, Fry, Nibbler and I
went for a stroll down the boardwalk. I made sure we went down the
sleaziest part of the boardwalk. Bender didn’t seem to notice
where we were, he just wondered why someone would hire us to make a
delivery to Jersey.
To make a long
story short, Fry and I coaxed Bender into his old sinful habits.
Well, it wasn’t that hard. Just a little encouragement
and the old Bender was back. In the twinkling of an eye, he was on
stage at the “Power Strip” dancing with Hookerbots,
smoking, drinking, and throwing money from a stolen purse to the
He tore the symbol
of Robotology from his chest and tossed it into a bowl full of dip.
Then he said, “Ill catch you two losers later. I’m going
to spend the rest of this evening with some fine femmebots.”
When we last saw him that evening, he was lurching out the door with
a group of four young, giggly femmebots.
Fry and I got rooms at the Trump Trapezoid, where
Bender was staying. Fry tried to persuade me that we could save
money and have more fun by staying in a single room, but I turned him
down. I mean, Fry is cute and funny but he is so unreliable.
So, Nibbler and I spent another quiet evening –
The next morning we went to collect Bender. To
our surprise, he was gone. Worse still, there were signs of trouble.
Fortunately, Nibbler was able to track Bender to an abandoned
amusement park called Reckless Ted’s Funland. Remember? They
closed it down when all those people caught salmonella from the flume
led us right into the old ride called the Inferno. For some reason,
when we went inside, I felt my flesh creep. I noticed that next to
one of the funhouse mirrors was a symbol of Bender’s old
religion. When I called Fry’s attention to it, he did what Fry
does – he immediately pressed it.
The mirror slid away to reveal a sight I’ll
never forget if I live to be 160.
into the distance was a huge flame-filled cavern, filled with robots,
devilbots, and bugbots. The scenes of torture and pain were
indescribable! We were looking at Robot Hell!
I don’t know how long we stood there,
mesmerized by the ghoulish sight. Fry was the first to speak,
“Unbelievable! It’s an actual, factual Robot Hell!”
I was still a bit stunned, “Who would’ve
thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey!”
Fry began a reply, “Actually…”
But he didn’t get to finish his thought. Before he could, a
trap door opened beneath our feet. We plunged down a long, spiraling
slide into the very depths of Robot Hell.
Fry got sick on the way down, as well as picking
up a few blisters on his bottom. If we hadn’t been in such a
fix, I would have laughed. As it was, I tried to encourage Fry.
The end of the slide was pretty abrupt. Both Fry
and I landed on our bottoms…kind of hard. We both looked up
and gasped. We had found Bender…as well as the Robot Devil
Fry found out that that the arch fiend had been
torturing Bender with up-tempo dancing and singing. No one deserves
such a fate!
I decided that the best defense was a good
offense, so I asked (a lot more boldly than I felt), “Alright,
Beelzebot, what’ll it take to get our friend back?”
The Robot Devil tried to lie to us, but I finally
got it out of him. All we had to do was to win a fiddle contest.
Did I mention the fiddle was solid gold? Fry
said, “Wouldn’t a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of
pounds and sound crummy?”
What could be easier? I mean, I used to play the
drums. They are kind of similar. Besides, I figured that Fry was
right. Anybody would sound equally crummy on a solid gold fiddle.
So who knew? The Robot Devil whipped out the
fiddle and started to play. To our surprise and dismay, he sounded
really good! He even played with his tail!
We were boned!
My mind was
racing, what could I do to get us out of there? To gain a little
time, I started to play. The Robot Devil laughed at my efforts.
That made me angry, so I said, “Time for the
drum solo” and swung the fiddle with all of my might. I
connected with the side of the Robot Devil’s head. He went
down like a felled tree.
Fry shouted, “Run!” The three of us
ran pursued by hordes of bugbots and devilbots. Somehow Fry and I
were separated from Bender. We were surrounded by a crowd of
devilbots with pitchforks. I brandished the fiddle to keep them at a
“Well, Leela old girl,” ran through my
mind, “This is it. Sell your life dearly.”
Just then Bender swooped in. Somehow, somewhere
he had gotten a set of wings. He snatched Fry and I up in his arms
and flew upwards toward a rapidly closing exit.
It was obvious to me that we going to just miss
escaping, so I said, “Hurry, Bender!”
He replied in a
voice dripping with sarcasm, “I could if you’d
drop the stupid gold violin!”
In the excitement,
I had forgotten to drop the stupid – heavy – useless
violin. In my embarrassment I could only mumble, “Oh, sorry.”
As soon as I let
it go, we shot upwards and emerged from the gloom of Robot Hell into
the sunlight. Even New Jersey looked good.
As we flew towards the ship, Bender promised never
to be too good or too evil again. I asked if he could be a little
His reply was so typically Bender, “I don’t
know…do you think you can survive a 700 foot fall?”
I decided to be quiet until I got my feet back on
mother earth. When we finally landed near the ship, I decided that
it would be best to just move on with life. Besides, Bender isn’t
about to change. Men and Manbots…I’ll never understand
Still, all’s well that ends well!
Good night, Dear Diary! I have to groom Nibbler
and then I’m off for dreamland.