Secrets and Eyes III: The One With All The Violence
(Scruffy wheels Orson Welles' Head on stage)
Orson: Greetings. The producers of this fine show have asked me to introduce this episode. In the previous episode, Leela finally met her father, only to lose him in a terrible explosion...
Director (OC): Excuse me?
Orson: What? I thought I was doing rather well.
Director: You're doing fine. I was just wondering if you could empahsize the word "In" in that line.
Orson: Are you insane? That would make absolutely no sense.
Director: Just try it?
Orson: No, I will not try it. It's ridiculous. There's no way you can say "In the previous episode" and emphasize "in". It's impossible. Show me a way you can say "In the previous episode" and emphasize "in" and I'll... do the hula for you.
Director: Just say the line...
Orson: Look, I don't deserve this kind of shoddy treatment. I'm the disembodied head of a long-dead genius and I demand the sort of respect I am due.
Director: We'll give you a free Moon Pie.
Orson: Very well, but only because I love them so. Here, then, under protest, is the introduction. IN the previous episode, Leela finally met her father, only to lose him in a terrible explosion... Now, Leela is on a quest to find her father's killer, while her friends try to make sure she doesn't go too far... How was that?
Director: I'm sorry, the mike was broken. It's fixed now. Can you repeat the line?
Orson: Absolutely not. I quit. I have my dignity, or so they tell me...
(He begins rocking back and forth in his jar, trying to escape. He falls off the table, and the jar shatters, a la the snow globe in "Citizen Kane"...)
Scruffy: Scruffy ain't cleanin' that up.
(Opening sequence. Caption: No celebrity heads were harmed in the filming of the intro, except for Mr. Welles)
(Flyby: A nondescript single person rental starship. Cut to interior. Leela sits in the cockpit, trying to plot her next move.)
Leela: Okay, Toronga, your father's just been murdered, you're trying to track down his killer... where do you start? At the beginning. He was murdered on Exys Prime, so that's where you begin. And if you keep at it, maybe you'll be able to keep yourself from losing it completely... (her eye begins misting up) Snap out of it. You have to avenge your father. Make sure his spirit can rest...
(Back at PE)
Amy: Okay... if we leave now, I'm sure we can get to Exys Prime and back before Hermes even notices we're gone.
Fry: What makes you think that that's where Leela's going?
Amy: Squ'uh! It's where her dad was killed, remember? It's the logical place to begin an investigation!
Fry: Oh, yeah... that makes sense. But didn't she say not to go after her?
Bender: She said it, but she didn't mean it. Right now, she needs good friends at her side...
(Amy stares at him...)
Amy: Are you all right, Bender? Do you need your selfishness array recalibrated?
Bender: Uh... no, no, some dust musta gotten in there. I meant... ah... I gotta go lie down. Then steal the couch.
(He gets on the ship.)
Fry: He can't fool me. I know that deep down inside, he does care. Maybe not in a "I'll lay down my life for you" way, but a "If you're lying in the gutter unconscious, I'll think twice before kickin' you the third time." way. He's an old softy.
Amy: No, something's definitely off about him. He's showing concern for others. He's more articulate than usual. And I saw him reading a porno mag a few minutes ago.
Fry: So? That's normal.
Amy: A human porno mag.
Fry: Maybe he's curious.
Amy: Maybe... but I caught him drinking water a few minutes before that.
Fry: Probably thought his parole officer was watching.
Amy: That could be... Maybe I'm getting suspiscious for no reason. Ever since Gus was killed, I've been jumpy.
Fry: Yeah... Who do you think did it, anyway?
Amy: Maybe it was H'Codrum's goons... maybe it was just a random sicko with a mad-on for cyclopes. I wish I knew.
Fry: Well... Come on, Captain, we gotta get moving. Hermes won't be alphabetizing his supply cabinet all day.
Amy: Oh, yeah... that's right. I'm in charge. Uh... I order you to get on the ship so we can get going.
Fry (mock salute): Aye, Captain.
(Leela's ship lands at the Spaceport on Exys Prime. There's a GBI investigation going on. A woman is leading the investigation. This is AGENT MURPHY)
Leela: Excuse me, Ms...
Murphy (noticing her): Hey... you're Gus's daughter, aren't you?
Leela: He mentioned me?
Murphy: Once... you have to admit, the family resemblance is unmistakeable.
Leela: So, you know why I'm here, right?
Murphy: Yeah... Look, he used to be my partner, so I wanna see the perp nailed as much as you do.
Leela: Any leads?
Murphy: The explosive used is only manufactured on Paradise-9...
Leela: Which was where we found him. Which makes it very likely that this was retaliation by H'Codrum and his stooges.
Murphy: Look, I can't have civilians interfering in this investigation.
Leela: But you can't stop me, can you?
Murphy: I can take you into custody.
Leela: But you won't, will you.
Murphy: ... no I won't. But I still can't let civillians interfere with an investigation. I'm gonna get in trouble for this... but I'm deputizing you as a GBI agent.
(She hands her a badge.)
Leela: Thank you.
Murphy: Just make sure I don't regret it. And... nail him for me.
Leela: And, if you see a redheaded guy, a Chinese girl, and a robot, tell them I'm okay.
Murphy: Will do.
(Flyby: PE ship. Interior bridge. Amy's flying, Fry's sitting next to her)
Fry: C'mon, can't you make this thing go any faster?
Amy: I could, but I'd totally wreck the engines and kill us all. You're really worried about her, aren't you?
Amy: Me too... but it's more than that with you, right? You have a thing for her, don't you?
Fry: Is it that obvious?
Amy: That's why it never worked out between us, isn't it? You can tell me, I'm way over you.
Fry: Yeah... Even when I was with you, I was mostly thinking of her.
Amy (sighs): I always thought so.
Fry: Geez, it's not like that. I still like you. You're my best human friend. I just don't like you that way.
Amy: I guess... All right, I'm sorry I tried to guilt you there. Let's just focus on finding Leela. Just promise me one thing, 'kay?
Amy: Tell her?
Amy: That's an order.
Fry: Hey, you're not the boss of... wait, you are. never mind.
(Paradise-9: Leela's wandering around, looking for leads. She just left "The Invisible Shrinking Box")
Leela: Well, that last place was a bust. Damn mimes never talk.
(She hears something stirring in the alley)
Leela: What the hell was... BENDER?!
Bender: Hey, 'bout time ya got back! Thanks fer abandonin' me! See if I ever do anythin' fer you!
Leela: But we didn't leave you be- oh, my god...
Bender: What? What'm I missin' here!
Leela: If you're here, then who was... oh, god...
Bender: What? What?
Leela: Fry and Amy are making deliveries with an impostor.
(Musical sting. Leela and Bender turn to discover a street vendor selling "Dramatic Music")
Bender: Man, they got people sellin' everythin' here.
(The PE ship is seen arriving in orbit around Paradise-9)
Amy: Okay, commencing landing procedures... taking her down... there.
(ship lands with a thump)
Fry: Kinda nice of agent Murphy to tell us where Leela went.
(She gets up and heads toward the rear of the ship...)
Fry: Where are you going?
Amy: I'm checking to see if "Bender"'s done sabotaging the ship so that we can't leave.
Amy: He's a fake. I'll prove it.
(They enter the engine room)
Bender: Hey, Amy, there's a problem with the dark matter reactor.
Amy: Uh huh... (stares at him knowingly)
Bender: So it looks like we ain't leavin'.
Amy: Riiiiiiiiight.... I'll just take a look at it, bending over, leaving my big fat rich girl's wallet just sticking out...
Bender: You shouldn't. Someone could steal it.
(Without warning, Amy lashes out with a roundhouse kick to Bender's torso, knocking him onto his butt)
Amy: Like I said, he's a fake! The real Bender would never be able to resist my wallet. And he'd call me "bimbo" or "skintube"... never my actual name.
Fry: But you kicked him... shouldn't that hurt?
Amy: G'uh! Try to keep up! He's not Bender! He's not even a robot! He's made of skin, and bones and stuff!
Fry: Oh yeah, right....
(Bender begins to morph, becoming a familiar figure...)
Amy: Hey, I know that guy... didn't he almost marry Leela?
Alcazar: And I woulda gotten away with it, if it wasn't for that redheaded jerk and his stupid robot!
Fry: Hey, Bender isn't stupid! He's obnoxious! Get it right!
Alcazar: You ruined my wedding... But nothing will prevent me from reuniting with Leela. I'll take care of you two just like I took care of that other cyclops!
Amy (shocked): You did it?
Alcazar: And you're next...and him... then nothing will stop me from getting to Leela!
Amy: You'll have to go through us to do it!
Alcazar (exasperated): I believe that's what I just said...
Amy: Fry, get a blaster from the weapons locker. I'll hold him off until then.
Fry: But you're not a fighter. You're just someone who's taken three months of kickboxing lessons.
Amy: Yes, but until you just told him... HE DIDN'T KNOW! Just get a gun, okay?
Fry: Fine. (runs off)
(Amy and Alcazar begin fighting. It soon becomes obvious that Amy's been practicing... she's surprisingly fast, and can really make her hits count.... but Alcazar doesn't seem to tire at all, and eventually, Amy begins to tire...)
Alcazar: Wearing out so soon?
Amy: Just... letting you catch up... a little....
Alcazar: You can't win... I can do this all day...
Amy: So can I...
(She gets a second wind and delivers three quick spin-kicks to Alcazar's chest, stomach, and head, knocking him back into the wall)
Amy: So, you ready to give up?
Alcazar: You're quite talented for a beginner... but can you defeat... yourself?
(He morphs into an exact duplicate of Amy)
Amy: Shmeez, why do all the shape-changing villains try to pull that one? Am I supposed to hesitate because you look like me? (punches Alcazar/Amy in the face)
Alcazar/Amy: Yeah, that was the general idea... guess it's time for plan B...
(Fry arrives, armed with a phaser, and sees... two Amys!)
Fry's Brain: Great... now I have to figure out which is the real one. Why can't you use me more, so I can be ready for this sort of thing?
Amy1: Shoot her! She's the fake!
Amy2: No I'm not, he is!
(He levels the gun at both of them...)
Amy1: Look, there's only one way to settle this. You'll have to shoot us both. It's the only way to be sure...
(Fry shoots Amy2. She slumps, unconscious, to the floor)
Amy1: How did you know?
Fry: Because that's what the real Amy would say...
Amy1: Then I have only one thing to say to you.... (grins) Sucker.
(She punches him hard in the stomach, leaving him doubled over in pain. Then she collapses into a pile of goo and slithers out of the engine room, and presumably off the ship.)
Fry's Brain: Now do you see what happens when you don't use me for a while?
Fry: Shut up, brain! I gotta see if she's okay!
(He checks on Amy2 (who we know by now is the real one). She stirs, groaning)
Fry (overjoyed): You're okay!
Amy (in shock): You shot me.
Fry: Yeah, kinda. But you're all right!
Amy (weakly): Not really.
Fry: I'm really, really sorry. Really, really, really sorry.
Amy: Just get me to the medbay. We can use the ZMH.
Fry: Got it.
(He carries her to the medbay, not seeing the flashing message indicator on the ship's dashboard...)
(Cut to Leela and Bender at a pay videophone...)
Leela: They're not answering. I just know something terrible happened...
Bender: Y'mean... THEY'RE DRINKIN' MY BEER?!!!
Bender What worse? There AIN'T no worse!
Leela: They could be hurt...
Bender: Oh, that...
Leela: I should've never left them alone...
Bender: Damn right...
Leela: You're supposed to reassure me that I did the right thing...
Bender: HOW long have ya known me?
(A form coalesces behind her... Leela turns around...)
Leela: Fry! Thank god... where's Amy?
(Leela's eye widens in silent shock....)
Fry: Yep... ripped her heart out with my bare hands... (grins evilly) You'd've been proud of her... she didn't scream too much...
Leela: Fry, if this is some kind of sick joke...
(Fry begins to morph...)
Alcazar: Fry? Did him, too...
Alcazar: Say it like you mean it... (grins nastily...)
Leela (enraged): You $%*%&$ bastard... I'm going to kill you....
Bender: I'm gonna run away... uh, I mean, run for help... no, wait, the first thing... (runs away)
Alcazar: Hurt me, sweet thang....
(Leela jumps at his throat.... He sidesteps...)
Alcazar: That's it.... work that anger...
Leela: I'll work YOUR anger!! (Spin-kicks to his midsection...)
Alcazar: Yes! More!
(Leela continues to punch and kick him... finally knocking him into a stack of barrels... which collapses on him...)
(She advances on Alcazar... who sudenly gets up, none the worse for wear...)
Alcazar (smiling): Are you finished...?
(Yep, a PPG tribute! Should tide people over until I do my full-blown Futurama/PPG X-over...)
Leela: I haven't even started....
(Back on the ship... Fry carries Amy into the medbay and lies her down on the examination bed)
Fry: Computer, activate ZMH.
(A holographic representation of Zoidberg shimmers into existance.)
Holo-Zoidy: Nu, so vhat's the nature of the medical emergency?
Fry: I, uh, shot her.
Holo-Zoidy: I see, I see... (runs a scanner over her) She's suffering from mild neural disruption, and should be fine in an hour.
Fry (whisper, to Amy): He actually made a useful diagnosis?
Amy: Uh-huh. When I designed him, I programmed him with the full text of "Human Anatomy for Dummies". So, he's actualy a better doctor than the original. I never thought I'd be his first patient, though.
(She tries to get up, but can't)
Fry: Look, take it easy, okay? I still feel awful about it.
Amy: You're forgiven, okay? Just listen more carefully next time.
Amy: He called me "she". I called him "he". Should've been a dead giveaway.
Fry: Sorry. I guess I'm not as smart as you.
Amy: I'm not that smart. I just use my brain more. I have to, with my job.
Fry: Actually, after the Professor, I think you're the smartest person I know.
Amy (flattered): Really?
Fry: Hey, you built a better Zoidberg, didn't you?
Amy: I guess... (tries to get up again...) Now if I could build a better Amy...
Fry: You're fine the way you are.
Amy: Thanks. (the message system goes off) That's probably Hermes or the Professor. Come up with a good excuse, okay?
(Fry checks the message screen, and his eyes widen in shock)
Amy: What is it?
Fry: Something you won't believe...
Amy: Wait... I'm coming... (She gets up) Yes! (and collapses) No!
(Back in the streets, the battle continues... Leela and Alacazar trade blows... but Alacazar isn't getting any weaker...)
Leela: Why won't you fall down?
Alcazar: Because you'd have to be able to hurt me...
Leela: I'll do more than hurt you... I can't believe I almost MARRIED you! You were such a waste... buit I never thought you'd be a psycho murderer.
Alcazar: I've had my eye opened... I'm growing bored with this game. Let's finish it off.
(He morphs into a raven and flies off...)
Leela: You're not getting away that easy, murderer...
(She chases after him...)
(A shadowy figure watches... from the shadows, of course...)
Shadowy Figure: Damn....
(Somewhere else on the streets...)
Amy: You don't have to support me! I'm fine.
Fry: That's what you said the last three times you fell over.
Amy: Well, this time I actually am fine.
Fry: Fine Okay. Fall over.
(He lets go. Amy remains standing)
Amy: See? I'm fine. Let's go meet "Lazarus".
(They move forward... suddenly a mime blocks their path, feeling along an invisible wall...)
Amy: Tian-a! Freaky white-faced thing! (hauls off and hits him, knocking him down)
Fry: I thought you were scared of those?
(Amy doesn't answer... she's hyper-ventilating)
Shadowy Figure: Impressive...
Amy (smirking): Aren't you dead?
Argus: Ha-ha. Let's go stop my daughter from committing murder for no reason.
Fry: Where is she?
Argus: They were heading toward the abandoned toxic waste factory.... we're going to need to get a polaron emitter...
Amy: What for?
Argus: You'll see...
Amy (grumbles in Martian): Fine, be vague...
(The interior of the toxic waste factory. Big vats of bubbling stuff, catwalks, stuff dripping all over the place... typical abandoned factory showdown scene. Leela cautiously enters...)
Leela: This is like every bad movie I've ever seen... he's probably up on one of the catwalks, about to start taunting me...
Alcazar (up on one of the catwalks): So, you've found me... are you ready to face me?
Leela: Figures... (heads for the stairs... she ascends to the catwalks...)
Leela: Okay... It's go time.
(They begin fighting. Leela delivers a kick to the head, then another to the solar plexus. Alcazar comes back with a punch to her stomach that doubles her over.)
Alcazar: You can't win...
Leela: And you can't come up with an original line... (uppercut to the chin, then double chop to the sides)
Alcazar: Give it up...
(He begins to shift... he grows to a height of eight feet, his jaw widens, revealing several rows of sharp teeth. His fingers become talons. He grins hideously)
Alcazar (sickeningly monstrous voice): NOW... YOU WILL DIE....
(He delivers a backhanded slap that sends Leela halfway down the catwalk... she almost falls off into a vat of goo. She tries to get to her feet, but Monster Alcazar knocks her down again... and all the fight seems to go out of her...)
Leela: Fine... just end it...
Alcazar: NOO!! I WANT YOUR HATE....YOUR FURY...
(Argus, Fry, and Amy have entered the factory by now... they overhear Alcazar's last line...)
Amy: Wha...? What does he want with hate and fury? I thought he was just a slob...
Argus: He's posessed by an ancient entity... it feeds on negative emotions and amplifies them.
Fry: Oh, one of those... I was posessed by one of those once.
Amy: No, Fry, that was just B.O.
Fry: Then why did everyone hold their nose when I was around, huh? Explain that, Ms. I-know-how-stuff-works!
Amy: Because you stunk! Stunk stunk stunk stunk stunk!
Argus: See? It's amplifying your own negative emotions now. Resist it!
Amy/Fry: You stay outta this!
Amy: Whoa... what just happened?
Fry: I dunno... I just got mad for no reason.
Argus: Your friend... my DAUGHTER... is fighting for her life. We have to help her!
(Back on the catwalk)
Alcazar: GET UP.... FIGHT BACK, DAMN YOU...
Leela: What's the point? Everyone I ever cared about is dead...
Alcazar: FINE... YOU CAN JOIN THEM...
(He lifts her up... dangling her over the vat of toxic goo....)
Leela: So this is how it ends...
Argus (shouting from below): Toronga!
Argus: Kick his ass for daddy, angel!
(Life begins to seep back into her. A nasty grin spreads across her face. She grabs Alcazar's arms, swings her legs up, and kicks him... there. He howls in pain, and drops her... she catchess the railing, flips herself up, and over... and lands in front of the reeling Alcazar.)
Leela: You almost had me there... but now I have a delivery to complete. Whoopass. One can. Sign here.
Alcazar: HA HA HA... YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME... YOU ARE ONLY ONE WOMAN...
Leela: One woman who's gonna rip you a new one.
Amy: Go, Leela!
Argus: That's my girl!
Amy: Well, won't be long now... better get that polaron emitter configured. Wanna help, Fr... Fry? Where'd he go?
(Shot of Fry, climbing the ladder to the catwalk. He pulls himself up. Fry POV: He's coming up behind Alcazar.)
Alcazar: YOU'RE ALONE... NO ONE TO HELP YOU NOW...
Leela (noticing Fry): You're wrong. Maybe I'm by myself... but I'm never alone...
(She continues to advance... Alcazar seems to shrink a little... then laughs... a horrible, monstrous sound...)
Alcazar: YOU'RE RIGHT... YOU'RE NOT ALONE...
(Fry's POV... he's sneaking up on Alcazar.... suddenly, a second eye opens in back of Al's head. Since I'm tired of typing "Alcazar", I'll call him Al from now on. Al spins around, advancing on Fry while keeping an eye on Leela.)
Leela: Leave him alone! I'm the one you want!
Fry: Relax, Leela. I bet I can take him. I took Tae Kwan Do at the Y. At least I think I did. Actually, I think I just hung around the arcade and played "Street Fighter II". But I was able to get up to Vega on one quarter!
Leela: Fry, I'm flattered that you're trying to protect me, but he's probably gonna disembowel you.
Fry: All we have to do is oldhay him offyay until Amyyay inishesfay the olaronpay emitteryay.
Al: YOUR ANCIENT, MYSTERIOUS LANGUAGE WONT SAVE YOU...
Fry: Yeah? Well, no orthodontist can save you, ugly!
(Fry bolts down the catwalk. Al gives chase. Leela chases Al... Down below...)
Amy: It's finished, but I need to get a clear shot...
Argus: Hopefully, you will...
(Fry charges dowm the catwalk, then down some stairs that lead to a lower catwalk... Al follows closely)
Al: GET READY TO D...
(He is tackled from behind by Leela...)
Leela: Ready to WHAT?
(He flips her over)
(He picks Leela up, and tosses her over the edge. He looks down, expecting to see her... a pair of legs seize him by the neck, and lift him over the edge, hurling him to the ground below... Al lands in a heap.)
Fry: Wow... Cool move!
(Leela, dangling from the bottom of the catwalk, flips herself back up onto it.)
Leela: Hmm... a little weak on the dismount...
(The two go down a ladder and approach Al's body...)
Amy: Nice work, Leela... I don't even need to use thi...
(Suddenly, Al jumps up... growing even larger and more monstrous....)
Argus: Amy, NOW!
(Amy hits a button on her polaron emitter. Al is enveloped by crackling energy... he collapses, and reverts to his true insectoid form....)
Fry: Hey, if that thing could take him out, why didn't you use it earlier?
Amy: I needed to get close enough, and besides, I wasn't about to interrupt your fun.
(Leela shoots her a dirty look. An icky black substance starts to ooze out Al's nostrils...)
Amy: Ewww... invasion from the ick dimension...
Fry: What IS that crap?
Argus: It's a parasite... stay away from it!
Bender: Hey, loser squad... I just got back from breakin' th'bank at th'casino an' makin' it with every hot fembot in th'place. What've you bacteria motels been up to?
Leela: Bender, we don't have time for your pathological lying. We need to find some way to contain this evil parasite.
Bender: What, this tar crap?
Leela: Hmmmmmm.... Bender, do you still have your vacuum attachment?
Bender: Yeah, haven't hocked it yet...
Leela: Then vacuum that stuff up... since you have no real emotions, it can't hurt you.
Bender: Yeah, whatever... (He vacuums it up... while he does, Al begins to stir...)
Al: Hey, where am I? This doesn't look like the toilet I fell asleep on...
(He looks up at a very annoyed Leela)
Al: Oh, hey, baby. Wanna buy me a drink?
Leela: You don't remember anything, do you?
Al: Nah, my minds a blank.
Leela: There's a shocker...
(Bender gets the last drops of the parasite, and retracts his hose... thankfully, we don't see where it came from...)
Bender: Welp... I saved the day again, don't bother thankin' me, just doin' my job...
(Leela ignores him. She walks up to Argus. Silently, they embrace. No words are spoken. None need to be.)
(Back on the ship...)
Leela: So you're leaving the field, Daddy?
Argus: The GBI's been after me to take the Regional Director job for years. Besides, I'll be closer to my daughter, and that's what really matters.
(Amy enters the bridge)
Amy: Damage's all repaired. Ship's yours, Captain.
Fry: Uh, Leela?
Fry: I, uh, just wanted to say...
Leela: Fry, wait. There's something I've been meaning to tell you...
Fry (hopeful): Oh?
Leela: Yeah, I'm...
(She looks into his eyes...)
Leela: ...uh... glad you're not dead.
Fry (disapointed): Oh...
(He returns to his chair to sulk. Leela inwardly curses her own cowardice)
(Meanwhile, Argus is talking to Amy...)
Argus: And that's how I survived the explosion!
Amy: Wow, what an exciting story! Just one question... what was in the safe-deposit box?
Argus: Oh, right... Leela, come here a minute...
(She does. Argus fishes a tiny case out of his pocket. He opens it to reveal an engagement ring)
Argus: This was your mother's... she'd've wanted you to have it.
(Silently Leela takes it. Closeup on her teary reaction. Roll credits.)