Fan Fiction

Matters of Life And Death part 6 - Wrin-killed
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.

Once in a great while, someone discovers something so amazing that humanity's way of life is forever altered, for better or for worse. First came fire. Then came electricity. Splitting the atom. And so much more.

In the future, science has had many remarkable discoveries to have a profound impact on humanity's way of life. Obviously, medical care and health benefits are among them as the average lifespan has been raised to above a century. Still, not many people live to be that old.

Who are these people responsible for mankind's way of life and the path we now follow? These people are scientists. People like Farnsworth, one of the greatest scientific minds to grace humanity.

Farnsworth is over one hundred and sixty years old, although it is rumoured that his age is older than that after bathing in the Fountain of Aging. He is the head of Planet Express where our favorite delivery crew work. He is also Fry's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great...oh screw it...nephew, making him a distant (and I do mean distant) descendant of Fry's brother Yancey.

So far, Farnsworth has been lucky to live so long. So would anybody who lives to be over a hundred. But his luck will soon run out.

"Good news everyone!" Farnsworth announces to the crew as they sit down at the meeting table. "I have made a remarkable discovery!"

"What is it professor?" asked Fry.

"Get to the point already you old fart!" said an impatient Bender.

"I Professor Farnsworth," Farnsworth announces proudly, "have discovered a way to eliminate wrinkles!"

No one seems particularly impressed.

"But professor," said Amy, "none of us here have wrinkles."

"What are you blind?" asked Farnsworth. "I do! I'm covered in wrinkles! That's what happens when you get old!"

"Professor, you're so old," said Bender.

"How old is he?" everyone asks.

"He's so old, he knew!" said Bender. (Drumroll and rimshot)

Everyone laughs, except Farnsworth.

"Go ahead and laugh!" said the professor. "You won't be laughing when you see how much younger I look thanks to this!"

He holds up a small bottle. "This chemical is a muscle contractor which will eliminate wrinkles. I intend to test it upon myself immediately."

"Are you sure that's safe professor?" asked Leela.

"Of course I'm sure!" said Farnsworth. "That's why I'm a scientist and you're just a bunch of delivery people! I'll see you all around. And in case you don't recognize me, I'll be the handsome wrinkle-free geezer!"

A little later, Farnsworth is in Zoidberg's medical clinic.

"Professor, are you sure you want me to do this?" asked Zoidberg. Even he is a bit worried that something may go wrong.

"Just do it!" Farnsworth orders.

"If you say so," said Zoidberg. He fills a syringe with the chemical and makes several injections into various spots on Farnsworth's face.

"If something does go wrong," said Zoidberg. "It's not my fault. Just don't come complaining to me when something goes wrong. Just remember, we warned you."

"Shut up!" said Farnsworth.

Farnsworth doesn't realize it, but he signed his own death certificate when Zoidberg pumped the chemical into his own face. It turns out the chemical was something called "Botox". Botox is a muscle relaxant that can cause paralysis.

Later that day, Farnsworth has a terrible headache. "This does not feel right," he says rubbing his temple with both hands. "Maybe a hot bath will help me relax."

Bad idea professor. And bad timing too!

Later, as Farnsworth sits in the tub, the toxic chemicals course throughout his system, paralyzing his muscles and stiffening his joints. In other words, he's completely paralyzed. In his numb state, Farnsworth is powerless to save himself as he slips beneath the surface. As he sinks, water pours into his mouth and fills his lungs, making breathing impossible. As a result, he drowns in his own bathtub.

Farnsworth tried to cheat the aging process and make himself look younger. But in the end, he indeed found a way to stop aging...by dying. At his funeral, everyone agreed on one thing.

"He has never looked better!"

To Be Continued