Futurama

Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death part 23 - Slurm-Term
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.


Grunka-lunka dunkidi-doo,
I've got a good story to tell you.
Grunka-lunka dunkidi-dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me.

In the future, there is a highly addictive drink called Slurm. Slurm is so delicious, it's easy to get addicted. And Phillip J. Fry is one of the biggest addicts to this futuristic soda.

Fry is one of the few people in the whole universe who knows the truth about Slurm, it's actually just slug secretion! Yeah...I know. The irony is that despite it's disgusting secret (and only ingredient), Slurm is incredibly delicious. Although the discovery of the secret would have led to it getting banned, Fry's addiction prevented this from happening.

As I said in chapter 8, addictions can sometimes have lethal consequences. But big-surprise, this story isn't about Fry. Let's have someone else in the spotlight for a change.


We join Phillip J. Fry on his break one warm summer afternoon as he guzzles down another can of Slurm. He rarely goes without one for fifteen minutes. Once he empties the can, Fry drops it into the recycling bin and hurries off back to work. There's only one more can of Slurm in the fridge that he plans to drink after work.

Once he returns to the fridge after work, he opens the fridge to get the last can of Slurm, only to discover that it's gone!

While Fry was off at work, Labarbara, Herme's wife dropped off their son Dwight at Planet Express for her husband to watch over while she went off on some errands. While looking for something to drink, Dwight found the last can of Slurm in the fridge and drank it. It was Dwight's very first taste of Slurm, and once he had a taste, it was the beginning of it all.

Dwight is the only son of Hermes and Labarbara. He wants to be a bearucrat like his father and already shows promise. Cubert is his best friend and the two are often seen playing games together with Bender.

Dwight loves the taste of Slurm so much that he decides he has to get more. Like any addiction, it begins small. Harmless at first. But as addiction grows, people tend to neglect the more important things in life.

Once he gets home, Dwight smashes his piggy bank and carries the money to the local convience store where he spends it all on Slurm. Over the course of the next two days, he guzzles it all. It's the only liquid that he drinks. He drinks it at mealtimes instead of water and he drinks it instead of juice. His addiction is starting to get stronger.

What do you get when you drink lots of Slurm,
Addicted to it like a girl to her perm?
Don't you know that Slurm comes out of a slug's ass?
What do you think will come of that?

I don't like the look of it!


Within a month, Dwight has drunk hundreds of litres of Slurm, enough to rival Fry's addiction. To fuel his addiction, Dwight uses the money from his paper route. Once he's out of money, he starts stealing money from his mother's purse and his father's wallet while they're asleep.

Addiction is a nasty fate isn't it? But that's nothing compared to what fate has in store for Dwight. He doesn't realize that his health is starting to fail...

His parents notice the change in their son's health, just as they're starting to notice money missing from their wallet and purse.

And then, one morning, Dwight doesn't come to breakfast. When his parents come to check on him, they find him still lying in bed. But it turns out that Dwight isn't still asleep...

Dwight's addiction by now was so strong, only one thing could stop it: death.

Grunka-lunka dunkidi-doo,
I've got a perfect puzzle for you.
Grunka-lunka dunkidi-die,
How did Dwight Conrad die, let's find out why!

Dwight drank so much Slurm, he came down with a severe case of diarrhea. He started having to go to the bathroom more often than usual. Because he was neglecting to drink water, his body's electrolytes could not replenish themselves or the water his body lost with each bathroom break. The result was a severe case of dehydration. What also kills Dwight is a severe potassium defiency and the failure of his kidneys to properly filter out waste from his blood.

Drinking more water, juices, sports drinks, and any other fluid with water in it could have prevented this tragic end to a powerful addiction.

After all, Slurm is just slug-excrement!

Grunka-lunka dunkidi-da,
If you're not stupid, you will go far.
You will live in happiness too,
Like the Grunka-lunka dunkidi-do!

To Be Continued ...

Buddies