Futurama

Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death, part 20 - Slay-Bells Ringing
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.


Christmas is said to be the most joyous time of the year. It is a time when people get together with their loved ones and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. It is a time when people decorate the tree, sing Christmas carols, and dream of sugar plum fairies. Children also know of Christmas as the time when Santa Claus and his eight reindeer bring presents to all the good children in the world. Many a child has sat upon Santa's lap and told the jolly man their Christmas wish.

It's the most Wonderful Time of the Year. With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling to be of good cheer...that's the way it used to be!

But in the future, Christmas, now known as Xmas, has taken Halloween's crown as the scariest time of the year. In the future, Santa Claus is not a jolly fat man with a belly that jiggles like a bowl of jelly, but instead is a maniacal sadistic robot who delights in terrorizing and punishing the naughty. No lumps of coal from this Santa! If you've been bad, watch out! He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sakes!

Better watch out, better not cry, better not pout I'm telling you why!
Santa Claus is coming to town!


Twas the night before Xmas and all through Planet Express,
Everybody was stirring, without cause to be depressed.
The place was decorated with garlands, lights and stockings,
It's a beautiful picture indeed, but quit gawking!

We join our favorite crew as they are all having their annual Xmas party. Everybody is here including Leela's parents Morris and Munday, Kif and Zapp Brannigan, Labaraba and Dwight. Well, the only ones not here are Bender who is at his favorite bar trying to pick up fembots and Zoidberg (for obvious reasons).

Fry is sitting on the couch watching a Christmas movie from the stupid ages. Being from the stupid ages himself, Fry is the only crew member with fond memories of what was once Christmas. Back in the old days, Fry like many children sat on the laps of department store Santa's and told the jolly man what he wanted for Christmas. Although Fry now has many friends to celebrate the holidays with, it's just not the same anymore now that it's Xmas.

"Fry what are you watching?" asks Amy as she sits down on the sofa next to him.

"A movie from the twentieth century," said Fry. "It's called `Silent Night, Deadly Night'."

"Sounds creepy!" said Amy. "What's it about?"

"It's about a man who dresses up as Santa Claus and goes on a killing spree on Christmas Eve, punishing the naughty!"

Right now, the scene shows a teenager riding a sled down a hill. Suddenly, without warning, the killer, dressed in a santa suit jumps out from behind a bush.

"Naughty!" the killer yells. Amy watches in shock as the teenage boy screams as the killer swings an axe. A few moments later, the sled arrives at the bottom of the hill, his body lacking a head. His companion screams in terror as the head comes rolling down the hill.

"Oh my god!" Amy cries in shock.

"Relax," Fry said chuckling, "he had it coming! He stole that sled from another group of boys. You just missed it!"

Amy is in disbelief that Fry finds this movie amusing. "Fry, how can you watch this movie at a time like this? Santa Claus is coming tonight! You'll make us all nervous!"

"Relax Amy!" says Fry. "Everybody who dies in this movie deserves to be punished! One guy gets hammered, someone gets gutted, another is strung up with Christmas lights, a woman is impaled on antlers, and - "

"Stop!" Amy shouts covering her ears and running out of the room. "I don't want to hear anymore.

The Children are wide awake, it is too early for bed,
Yet sugar plum fairies are dancing in their heads.

"I don't know Dwight," said Cuebert, "maybe they're plums made of sugar, maybe they're plums dipped in sugar, I just don't know what."

"But they're dancing CUebert," said Dwight, "they're dancing in my head!"

"That's what happens when you drink too much of Bender's punch!" said Cuebert.

Fry finally finishes watching his movie and joins the party, looking for Leela.

When he finds her, Zapp is standing next to her, holding mistletoe above his head.

Zapp chuckles. "Hey Leela, I'm under the mistetoe. Make my Xmas!"

"Jerk!" said Leela. "Get under a missile! Make everybody's Xmas!"

Kif laughs, only to be silenced by a glare from his captain.

Fry pours himself a glass of eggnog and helps himself to a drumstick from the Xmas turkey cooked by Bender, then dipping it in cranberry sauce, he takes his first bite.

Zapp tries the mistletoe trick on Amy, but Kif punches him in the face and walks away with her.


It wouldn't be an Xmas party without the gift exchange and Xmas carols. The first song everybody sings together around the tree is "Silent Night"

"Silent Night, Holy Night,
"All is calm..."

But not for long!

Before you can ask "what the hell is the matter?"
Suddenly, the windows explode with a shatter.
And what to their terrified eyes did appear,
Santa Claus, his sleigh, and his metallic red eyed reindeer.

"Ho-ho-ho!" the diabolical robot laughs.

He was constructed all from metal from his feet to his head,
And you know all too well that everyone will soon be dead.

"You've all been very naughty indeed!" Santa sneers as he steps out of his sleigh. "Now it's time to Wreck the Halls with your guts!"

It's beginning to look a lot like curtains...

He reaches into his pack as everybody panics and dives for cover or begins to run off. He pulls out a large ornament and throws it behind the sofa where Zapp is cowering. He laughs at this offense, but is silenced when it explodes like a grenade.

Amy trips on her dress trying to run away and struggles to pick herself up as Santa approaches her, candy cane with a sharpened end in hand.

"No!" Kif leaps in front of Amy and blocks Santa's path. "I won't let you hurt her! You'll have to get through me first!"

"Fine by me!" Santa says as he grabs Kif and flings him above the fireplace where he is impaled on the antlers of a deer head.

Amy watches in horror. To her, this is even more frightening than Fry's movie.

"Naughty!" Santa yells. Amy barely has time to scream before he runs her through the abdoment with the sharpened end of the candy cane.

Leela hurries to get her parents to safety out the door and turns her head back behind her. Bad timing, for at that moment, Santa throws a star ornament that impales her through the eye.

"Leela no!" Fry cries. Enraged at Leela's death, he grabs a candlestick off the table and charges at Santa, but it doesn't even make a dent in the robot's body.

"Punish!" Santa shouts as he grabs Fry by the neck and tosses him through a window, sending Fry to the pavement in a shower of broken glass. He then tosses the candlestick across the room where it crashes into Farnsworth's skull.

Santa then pulls out his laser gun and shoots up the room. Hermes, Labaraba, Dwight, Cuebert, and Scruffy all fall. Singed flesh surrounds their wounds and blood begins to pool around their bodies. Part of one wall is painted with Labaraba's blood, her body is slumped against the wall.

Within minutes, it's all over. Everybody is dead.

When the ornament bomb exploded, pieces of shrapnel imbedded themselves in Zapp's body, including his skull and his chest. One shard pierced his skull and imbedded itself in his brain, resulting in a quick death.

Being impaled on the antlers of a deer head punctured two of Kif's vital organs, his heart and his stomach. Being supported by a system of very fluid glands, Kif dies of massive internal bleeding.

The sharpened candy-cane end punctured Amy's heart, killing her instantly.

The star penetrating Leela's eye imbedded itself in her brain, rupturing a major artery causing internal bleeding of the brain.

As Fry was thrown through the window, broken glass fragments sliced open multiple major arteries and veins across his body, causing him to bleed out in a matter of minutes.

The blow of the candlestick hit Farnsworth's head with enough force to crack his skull and cause fatal brain damage.

Finally, Hermes, Labaraba, Dwight, Cuebert, and Scruffy are all shot down by Santa's laser gun, all through their chests.

Even if Zoidberg was here, Santa would have given him a present as he is the only member of Planet Express who is on Santa's "Good List". Seeing that Zoidberg isn't here, Santa leaves Zoidberg's present on the floor.

Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
On his sleigh he climbed and out the window he rose.
And he exlaimed wickedly as he flew into the night,
"Merry Xmas to all and to all a bloody night!"

To Be Continued

Buddies