Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death, part 12 - Apperionitly Dead
By Dwayne Anderson

What do you call a man who is kind, sensitive, considerate, thoughtful, and respects the feelings of women? Before you answer "Gay", there are men like that. And no, they aren't always gay.

Kif Kroker is the amphibian lieutenant of DOOP (Democratic Order of Planets) and assistant to Zapp Brannigan. Kif is everything Zapp isn't: sensitive, romantic, caring, considerate, modest, and non-sexist, which explains why he's more successful in the romance department, even if he only had one girlfriend in his life.

But Kif wasn't always this way. He used to be shy and quiet, but when he met Amy on board the Titanic (no not the one that sunk back in 1914), he fell in love. He called her repeatedly for a year, but never had the courage to talk to her. It was only after their escapade on the Amazonian planet where Kif finally professed his love. The two have remained together ever since and are now married and live together. Their relationship has had many ups and downs, such as when Kif got pregnant (yes really) and Amy didn't feel ready for motherhood. Then there was the time when Kif was killed in "The Beast With A Billion Backs" and Amy slept with Zapp in her grief, but after Kif was restored to life and reconciled with Amy, their love is stronger than ever.

True love can overcome any obstacle...well...except just one. And this time, Yivo isn't around.

It's been a year since they got married. Kif and Amy have made reservations at Elzars for the occasion. No family or friends, just the two of them on a romantic anniversary dinner. Many couples and families are here for dinner. Amy is in a beautiful green dress while Kif is wearing a tuxedo with fancy shoes and a tie.

The two have already placed their orders and now Elzar asks them if they would like a drink, which they do. Since it is a special occasion, they order wine, although Kif gets himself a martini. Luckily, Kif only intends to have one martini as he doesn't want to ruin such a romantic occasion.

When the drinks arrive, Kif pours the wine and drinks his martini, eating the olive right off the toothpick.

Such a perfect romantic evening. Nothing could possibly go wrong, right? Oops, I said it.

"Oh no," said Kif. "Look who's here!"

Even though Kif managed to sneak away from the Nimbus and Zapp to attend his date with Amy, Zapp unexpectedly shows for a karaoke session.

"Brace yourself Amy," said Kif.

"I met her in a club, down in old Soho," Zapp sings. "where they drink champagne that tastes just like coca cola. C. O. L. A. - Cola."

The crowd starts booing. Amy plugs her ears. Kif pushes himself up and storms off towards the stage. No way is he going to tolerate his captain's behavior and allow him to ruin the most romantic evening in his relationship with Amy. Had Kif been drunk, he would have found this amusing. Unluckily for Zapp, Kif is still sober.

"She walked up to me and she asked me to dance. I asked her her name, and in a dark brown voice she said: Leeeeeela. L e e l a Leeela Lee-lee-leela bah bah bah bah bum de de de de de --"

Zapp never does get to finish as Kif storms up to him and delivers a swift punch to Zapp's face. "Dammit, your hour is over!" He shoves Zapp off the stage and he crashes onto an empty table, breaking it under his weight. The crowd cheers for Kif as his decks his captain.

Kif is filled with a sense of pride for what he's done. He has never worked up the courage to stand up to his commander and give him what he deserves...well, except for when he punched Zapp in the stomach at the end of "Beast With A Billion Backs".

Kif picks up the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, I will take over the entertainment at this moment. I would like to dedicate this to Amy Wong, the only woman I ever have and ever will love."

"Awwwww!" the crowd says. Amy blushes and smiles.

A song begins to play and Kif sings along.

"Wise men say only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

Shall I stay

Would it be a sin

If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too

For I can't help falling..."

Once again, just when you think nothing can go wrong, it does. You are about to learn the meaning of "irony". Kif doesn't realize it, but he's also got a date with the grim reaper itself.

Kif suddenly stops singing, yet the song continues to play. His mouth hangs open and the microphone falls from his grasp. He clutches his stomach with a pained expression on his face as he falls to his knees, groaning.

Amy pushes herself up from her chair and looks on, puzzled as to what's happening to her beloved. The rest of the crowd, awed by his singing looks on as well in concern. Is Kif experiencing a case of severe indigestion? That's what everyone is wondering. Many of the diners are now worrying that something may be wrong with the food tonight.

But no. That's not the case here. Amy and Kif haven't even received their food yet.

The crowd gasps and screams in horror as Kif suddenly vomits a stream of blood onto the stage. Of course, no one is more horrified than Amy.

"Oh my god!" she screams as Kif collapses and lies still. "Kiffy!" She runs to the stage and kneels at her husband's side, his face buried in a puddle of blood. She takes his hand, it feels cold. There is no pulse.

Looks like the last two lines of Kif's song came true. Talk about ironic!

Bad news Amy, Kif is dead. Worse news, Yivo's not here to resurrect him.

Amy starts crying uncontrollably at the fact that she's once again a widow, this time for good!

While preparing Kif's martini, Elzar had accidentally broken a toothpick. Not wanting to waste it, he stuck both broken ends into the olive, making it look like a whole toothpick. So when Kif swallowed the olive off the toothpick, he also unknowingly swallowed the lower sharp end of the broken toothpick. It traveled down his esophagus and once it imbedded itself in his stomach, Kif started bleeding internally, with blood filling his stomach which is smaller than a human's. The area where the toothpick had imbedded itself caused an inflammation of the stomach called a peritonitis. While this infection would have killed a normal human within a few days, Kif, being an amphibian, was affected far more quickly.

What happened to Kif Kroker is proof that bad things do happen to good people. Love can overcome any obstacle, except the one called death, and it's "till death do us part" for true love.

But Kif Kroker didn't just die.

He croaked!

To Be Continued