Matters of Life And Death part 1 - Jump N Bump
By Dwayne Anderson
Note From the Author: This piece of fiction is based off the hit Spike network series "1000 Ways To Die".
Death is everywhere, even in the world of cartoons. Most cartoon characters try to avoid it, others can't get out of its way. Some are unlucky enough to get killed off permanently. As for the rest, the fact that they survive or are resurrected for another episode is a miracle.
But let's face it, cartoons aren't real life.
Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.
Names don't have to be changed to protect the identities of the deceased because everybody already knows who they are. Do not attempt to try any of the actions depicted. YOU WILL DIE! And if you are stupid enough to still try, YOU WILL DESERVE IT!
Ever hear the saying, "Nice guys finish last"? That used to apply to Phillip J. Fry. On the eve of the millenium when he was cyrogenitically frozeon, Fry had just been dumped by his girlfriend for another man. His job as a pizza delivery boy was going nowhere.
Now that he was thawed out into the thirty-first century, Fry seems to fit in just right. He has a good job as a delivery boy with Planet Express, lots of new friends, and a new love-life. In other words, Fry is a lot happier than he ever was. When he's not working, he spends much of his time watching television, drinking Slurm, and talking about how much better life has changed since the twentieth century, similar to those stories your grandfather tells you starting with "Back in my day..."
Fry is a nice guy, but like all people, he has one fatal flaw. And of course, that will be the cause of his demise. Fry may be the heart and soul of Planet Express, but he is nowhere near being the brains of the operation. In fact, Fry is one of the stupidest people you will ever meet. He makes the duo from Dumb and Dumber look like a pair of Einsteins. If life ran on stupidity, Fry would live to a ripe old age, or even achieve immortality. But if he did, we wouldn't have much of a story to tell here, would we?
We join Fry as he is watching his one of his favorite television shows, "Extreme Lamebrains", the next-generation of MTV's "Jackass" tv series. Many people watch this kind of show, most of them are adolescent males.
There are two ways to deal with this kind of program. The smart way is to remain seated and keep watching. Then there's the stupid way: imitation. People believe they can do better than what they see on tv.
Right now, the lamebrains on Fry's show are going bungee jumping.
"The chicks just love a man who is a daredevil," one man says.
This of course puts some ideas in Fry's head. Not good ones that is.
"I can totally do this!" Fry says to himself. Fry believes that if he can pull off a stunt like this, he'll totally impress Leela.
If Fry had the common-sense to stop and think things through, such as what could go wrong...oh nevermind. Fry however will soon learn why they came up with the slogan "Kids, don't try this at home!"
Later that day, Fry is standing atop the balcony of Farnsworth's laboratory with a rope tied around one of his legs. The other end of the rope is tied to one of the steel railings of the balcony.
Down below, he sees Leela amongst the crowd that has began to form.
"Fry, what are you doing up there?" she calls up to him.
"Hey Leela!" Fry calls back. "Check this out!"
Leela of course is worried that Fry is up to something stupid. And she's right.
"Fry, come down from there right now!" she says.
"Whatever you say Leela!" Fry announces. "I'm coming down!" And he jumps off the balcony.
"No! Not like that you idiot!" Leela cries. "Have you got a death wish or something?"
Fry never gets a chance to reply as the top of his skull hits the pavement. There's a sickening crunching crack that pierces everyone's eardrums. Screams echo up from the crowd.
"Fry!" Leela pushes her way to the front of the crowd and runs over to his side."Are you...oh my god!"
Fry is lying motionless on the street, a pool of blood spreading from the top of his head. It doesn't take a genious to know that Fry is dead.
Fry's lack of intelligence as I said is the cause of his demise. Why? Fry made a fatal error while preparing his bungee jump: he didn't measure the rope correctly, it was far too long. As a result, the rope made no attempt to stop Fry's head from hitting the pavement with enough force to shatter the top of his skull. Broken bone fragments imbedded into his brain, causing massive hemorrhaging. The top of his cerebrum was also crushed by the impact, sending him into cardiac arrest.
Fry was already a brain dead moron when he tried this stunt. Now, he's just plain dead. You know what they say...stupid is as stupid dies!
To Be Continued