Let Me Call You Sweat-Heart
SCENE: Planet Express- the Professor's lab late at night. He is alone and working feverishly over his chemicals... when suddenly...
PROFESSOR: Good news, no one! I've invented a pheromone booster and a recipient's 'reader' chemical to test on couples! Now who two can I test these on... (thinks of Amy and Kif)
KIF: Oh, Amy, I love you so much!
AMY: Oh, Kiffy, I love you MORE!
KIF: No, I LOVE YOU MORE!
PROFESSOR: (shakes the vision out of his head) Uugh! Who else... (thinks of the Conrads)
HERMES: Come to da bedroom, wife! I have a green snake dat wants to go through your sugarcane field!
PROFESSOR: (shrieks) OH GOD, NO! (suddenly, he hears in the next room...)
LEELA: Fry, no offense, but I KNEW the date was going to be a failure when I saw you!
FRY: Hey! I had a new shirt and sport jacket and dress shoes on! I thought I looked pretty darn good!
LEELA: FRY, you were walking the streets of New New York with NO PANTS OR UNDERWEAR ON AGAIN...
FRY: Hey! The restaurant that kicked us out had no right! The sign on the door said 'No shirt, no shoes, no service!' It said NOTHING about pants...
LEELA: (sighs) Fry, sometimes I really do question what I see in you- come on, put on your spare pants- I'll leave my purse here in my locker...
PROFESSOR: Farnsworth- you have your guinea pigs! (giggles)
SCENE: Planet Express- the next morning. The crew is sitting around the conference table awaiting the Professor's entrance.
PROFESSOR: (comes in pushing a cart with medical syringes on it) Good news, everyone! Free booster shots for all! Huzzah!
HERMES: (starts rifling through papers) Professor, according to da records we all GOT our booster shots...
PROFESSOR: TOO LONG AGO! (grabs a syringe with a harmless placebo and gives Hermes a shot)
HERMES: (rubbing his arm) Damn it, mon! Dat hurt!
PROFESSOR: (giving Amy a shot of the same placebo) Crybaby! Amy seems just...
AMY: (curses in Chinese)
BENDER: Skip over me, old man- don't need 'em like weaker, carbon based life forms (giggles and chugs a beer, then lights a cigar)
PROFESSOR: No worries, onto Scruffy.
SCRUFFY: Scruffy likes the Professor's shots- kept Scruffy 'clean' for 5 years now... yep. (rubs his arm after the shot)
ZOIDBERG: Hubert old friend! I...
PROFESSOR: No shot for YOU, Zoidberg. You don't need this- if anything, if not for your immune system, you should have died years ago!
ZOIDBERG: Awww, I wanted to be like my friends...
PROFESSOR: (grabs another syringe with one of the real compounds in it) O.K., Leela, here is yours...
LEELA: OW!... that burns!
AMY: Burns? Really? Mine didn't.
HERMES/SCRUFFY: Mine didn't either/Nope.
PROFESSOR: (looks at the syringe and pretends something may be wrong with it) No worries- I have one more for Fry! (picks up the last syringe and injects Fry)
FRY: OWWIE!... BRRRRR, that was COLD!
LEELA: Cold!? Really Fry? It's burning up my arm! Feel it! (takes Fry's arm and puts it over her shot site)
FRY: WHOA! Your arm IS burning up! Here! Feel how cold MINE is!
LEELA: (feels his arm) WOW, Fry! Your arm is like ICE! I wonder why we both got the same thing and are reacting so differently...
PROFESSOR: Enough of the touchy-feelies, all ready! There'll be plenty of time for THAT after the delivery! Oh my yes! (walks away rubbing his hands and laughing to himself)
SCENE: the Planet Express Ship's bridge. Both Leela and Fry had worked up a good sweat on the delivery, and were looking forward to relaxing on the trip home.
LEELA: (wipes the sweat from her brow) Wow, that was a tough delivery- good job, Fry!
FRY: No problem! It would have been a LITTLE easier had SOMEONE helped us! (glares at Bender)
BENDER: (taking a puff of his cigar) I DID help, coffin stuffers, I rode on the package you two carried and offered moral support!
FRY: (fans himself and peels off his shirt) Oh man, I'm HOT!
BENDER: Hot? (checks his internal thermometer) It's an even 70 degrees Fahrenheit/ 21.1 degrees Celsius... but you two are both sweaty...
LEELA: Fry... (ogles Fry) Is it... hot in here?
BENDER: I TOLD you two it's... (Looks at Leela and thinks: Dilated pupil, accelerated breathing, goosebumps, playing with her hair, big goofy smile...) Uh, I'll just slip out to look at what I can steal from you two! Have fun!
LEELA: (Her eye never leaving Fry) Make sure to lock the door behind you!
LATER THAT WEEK AT PLANET EXPRESS...
Bender and Fry are in the lounge...
FRY: … and then she dragged me to the 'Bawdy Shoppe' and had us try out jumper cables!
BENDER: (puts his foot cups up on the coffee table) Now let me get this straight- you've been chasing Big boots for HOW MANY years, and now that she is returning your affection, you want me to HELP YOU hide from her?
FRY: Yeah, but it's like she's some ravenous beast now!
BENDER: Oh come on!
FRY: No, I'm serious! It's like she's got a case of Barry White AND Johnny Mathis-itis!
BENDER: Chances are, she'll she'll see ya for the chump you are with that silly grin of yours, and just get over ya.
FRY: I thought you were my friend! Come on, Bender! You gotta help hide me!
BENDER: (sighs and holds out his hand) It'll cost ya.
FRY: Here! (takes his wallet and hands it to Bender)
BENDER: Thank you... (picks up the coffee table and drops it on Fry. He then puts his foot cups back up on it, relaxing)
LEELA: (walks into the lounge, holding baby and bride magazines) Hey, Bender! Have you seen Fry anywhere?
BENDER: (pointing under the table so Leela can see) Gee, big boots, I have NO IDEA where he is...
LEELA: Thank you! (reaches under and drags out Fry) Come on! You have to help me with some important decisions- Amy hates Yellow, but I think your Ushers and Bender will look ridiculous with pink cummerbunds... and Fry, sweetie, help with this? (she hands him a baby names book) I was thinking Alice, Aurora, Nova, or Violet for a girl...
FRY: (turns back to Bender and squeaks) Help me!
LEELA: (grabs Fry in a bear hug) Oh, FRY! I love you SO MUCH! You really are my everything!
BENDER: (watches Leela drag Fry out) Huh, Barry White-itis if I ever saw it... better tell the Professor...
A FEW MOMENTS LATER, IN THE PROFESSOR'S LAB...
BENDER: (excitedly) … and then Leela comes in, drags Fry out, and he is like (imitates Fry) 'Help me!', and then she hugs him and drags him off! Hahahahahaha!
PROFESSOR: Oh! Good! Very good news indeed! Thank you Bender!
BENDER: What? I helped!? Aw man... I thought you'd LAUGH.
PROFESSOR: Laugh? This is science! Science is NOT a laughing matter!
BENDER: (eyes the Professor suspiciously) Wait a minute... you have something to do with this, don't ya looney old coot?
PROFESSOR: Mmm, my yes. I injected them with my experiment on human pheromones... although I fear I may have not accounted for Leela's mutant physiology... it would explain the elevated and exaggerated moods she's been displaying toward Fry... although I can't say I'm surprised... deep down they really DO love each other. The chemicals only intensify their feelings... nothing else.
BENDER: You mean...
PROFESSOR: Yes, Bender... they should be procreating like rabbits any day now.
BENDER: Aw crap! I am NOT gonna clean up after any MORE Frys, thank you very much! You gotta STOP this!
PROFESSOR: Stop them? Why? It's harmless.
BENDER: Harmless? ONE Fry is bad enough to house break! Can't you spay and neuter those two?
PROFESSOR: Fuff! It's not like they're stay cats in the back alleys of New New York...
BENDER: (Hands the Professor a baby names book) They dropped this...
PROFESSOR: (shrieks as it sinks in) Little FRYS! Oh! Oh GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
BENDER: Start sciencing, old man.
PROFESSOR: I am, Bender, I AM! Now you go and make sure those two stay safe and don't... don't have... relations.
BENDER: Yeah, yeah, sure.
LATER THAT NIGHT, AT THE ROBOT ARMS APARTMENTS...
The two 'Springy' Robots in the apartment next to Bender and Fry's are sitting at their table playing cards. Through the wall they hear squeaking and moaning. They look at each other with sympathetic faces and grab an oil can...
BENDER: (opens the door) Yeah? Whadda ya want?
'SPRING-BOT' 1: Forgive us, but we couldn't help but overhear all the squeaking and groaning. You poor thing. Do you need any oil?
BENDER: What are you talking about? I'm fine!
'SPRING-BOT' 2: But we clearly heard... (squeaking can now me heard again.) there it is! Your room mate maybe?
FRY: (from the bedroom) Oooooooooh... God! Mercy!
'SPRING BOT' 1: Oh no! The poor thing! (yells to be heard) Do you need any lubricant?
LEELA: (from the bedroom) L-luuube?
BENDER: (suddenly remembers what the Professor asked him to do) Aaaah, sorry to be rude, but I need to dump a bucket of ice water on my pets! (slams the door)
THE NEXT MORNING AT PLANET EXPRESS...
Bender has brought Leela and Fry in with him. They are both securely tied to hand trucks, and placed far away from one another.
BENDER: (Holds out a beer for Fry to sip from) So, snu snu last night, huh, bone bag? Yer lucky I stopped you when I did... I think she was gonna eat you like a preying mantis or something...
LEELA: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, FRY! You men are all the same! A quick seven to eight times in a row, and then it's off to talk about it with your buddies over a beer! (Amy and Hermes just look at each other)
AMY: Whoa, easy, Leela! If this keeps up, you'll kill him!
HERMES: He'll die happy though! (he and Amy laugh)
ZOIDBERG: I don't get it...
PROFESSOR: (comes shuffling in w/ his notes tucked under an arm) Good news, everyone! I think I may have figured out how to reverse the effects of the injections Leela and Fry received!
EVERYONE (Minus Bender): What!?
FRY: You... you mean YOU did this to me?
PROFESSOR: (chuckles) Well, in a way... yes. I gave You and Leela those injections last week...
HERMES: But we all got da shots, why didn't it effect the rest of us, mon?
PROFESSOR: (smiling) Placebos! Mere saline solution! Now FRY on the other hand, HE received my latest work on HUMAN PHEROMONES! (shows everyone his notes proudly)
FRY: Who- moans?
PROFESSOR: Shut up you dope! It's Pheromones! (wraps him across the face with the notes) It's a chemical found in your sweat! Now... Fry received the 'booster'... that is, he received a compound that boosted his pheromones through the roof! And Leela, the poor floozie, SHE got the 'receiver' compound that honed in on Fry's chemically enhanced pheromones!
HERMES: Uh, Professor, mon...
AMY: Uh yeah... do you think WE...
PROFESSOR: NO! This is dangerous stuff! I'm not about to let you two run off to abuse it with your significant others BEFORE I patent it! Besides, I never took into consideration Leela's mutant physiology and it's effect on FRY'S health.
FRY: (whimpering) So... sore... flesh and blood... not steel, Leela...
PROFESSOR: (pats Fry like an animal) Yes, yes, you poor sucker. Therefore, I had made a nullifying agent 'just in case' this very thing happened. Of course, there is bad, and worse news...
LEELA: Bad news?
PROFESSOR: Yes, bad news. It will get much WORSE before you'll get better...
FRY: Worse? Oooh, I'd rather deal with another Sadie who's its day...
LEELA: (glares) CAN IT, FRY.
AMY: Well, they'll EVENTUALLY get better? That's really not bad news then.
PROFESSOR: Well, no. But there is a 50% chance of death. (everyone is shocked) Yes... Leela will kill Fry like an Amazonian in estrus. But she'll live!
BENDER: (runs out, only to come back a few seconds later with Scruffy holding onto a cam-corder.)... like Thog in heat, I tell ya!
HERMES: (gets up) Well, I'll have to file papers for Fry's death... and Scruffy, I'll need dat film yer making for, uh... notes.
LEELA: Now hold on, everyone! Fry doesn't HAVE to die... I- I know it's not ALL the pheromones' fault... because... (blushes) well... I think I'd rather suffer for a while than to never have Fry again. (smiles at Fry)
FRY: Aww! That's the nicest non-sexual thing you've said to me all week!
AMY: Yeah, Fry doesn't have to die, just keep the two separated from one another in a strong room until the compound has worked completely.
PROFESSOR: (sighs) FINE. BE that way... take away an old man's last ounce of fun...
SCRUFFY: (walks out) Scruffy's dream of his own snuff-porn have died yet again...
PROFESSOR: Just look what you've done to him!
FRY: Aww, sorry, Scruffy.
LEELA: Yeah, sorry... hey! Wait a minute!
A FEW MINUTES LATER IN DR. ZOIDBERG'S OFFICE...
We see The Professor and Bender with Leela and Fry, who are both in a state of undress...
FRY: (stretching from being tied up for so long) Now tell me again why we're here in Zoidberg's office?
PROFESSOR: Because it's a 'strong room'... if something DOES happen to you or Leela, the rest of New New York will be safe.
LEELA: (being held by Bender, so as to 'protect' Fry) Professor, just what COULD happen that we'd need to be in a strong room then?
PROFESSOR: Oh nothing... nothing at all!
BENDER: Hurry up ya geezer! I don't know how long I can restrain her!
LEELA: (trying to break free) I appreciate your concern for humanity, but could you run it by us once again why we also have to be naked for this treatment?
PROFESSOR: Do you DARE question science? You just HAVE to! That's all!
LEELA/FRY: (mumble) Sorry.
SCRUFFY: (behind the one way glass with Amy and Hermes. He is adjusting his cam-corder) All set up... just in case. Uh-huh.
HERMES: Come on ya coot! Get on wid it!
AMY: (leaning forward leering) Oh, spluck, yeah! (giggles)
PROFESSOR: all righty... first, Fry. (he gives Fry the injection)
FRY: OW OW OW OW!!! That hurt ten times more than the last one!
PROFESSOR: Yes it did. Because I needed a good laugh (laughs). Now Bender, do you have Leela 'under control'?
BENDER: (has Leela restrained with chains and padlocks) Yeah, but I think the lumberjacks are on to me as to where their logging chains went to...
FRY: (sniffling) Thanks for helping, everyone.
BENDER: Aww, poor buddy! Would a milkshake cheer ya up? (pulls out a milkshake from within himself and hands it to Fry)
FRY: Oh! (sucks it down) Thanks Bender... did... that tasted funny...
PROFESSOR: Leela, now it's your turn. (injects Leela) There. We should know in a hour if it works... until then... Bender?
BENDER: I'm on it... (grabs the Professor and runs out the door screaming and slamming and locking it shut)
FRY: So... Leela...
LEELA: So. Uh... Fry... listen. I want to apologize for the... uh... (blushes) well, you know... I guess you know it's no secret now how I feel...
FRY: Yeah, it's all right. I mean the chemical stuff made you...
LEELA: No... no it didn't. It only accentuated... I guess I can't deny it anymore Fry. I LOVE you! (a tear runs down her nose) I love you Phillip. Uh, maybe, you know, when this is done, we could... uh... of our own volition? I promise I'll be gentle. (giggles)
FRY: (grins) You bet. (starts to sweat) Uh... Leela... I... think that it's kicking in...
LEELA: Funny, I have felt quite mellow now. Are you sure of... (looks) OH LORD, FRY!
PROFESSOR: (looking in on a closed circuit TV with Bender) Uh-wha? Did I give them the wrong injections? If anything, there was a chance of only LEELA getting a higher arousal rate...
BENDER: Well, look on the bright side... Scruffy got his new video! Hahahahahaha!!!
PROFESSOR: Oh, Bender, what did you do now!?
BENDER: (pulls out a bottle full of little blue pills and shakes it playfully) HAHAHAHA!!!
PROFESSOR: Bender! Did that milkshake have...
BENDER: You know it, old fart! But don't worry- I left a few for ya.
PROFESSOR: (face palms) Oh Bender... those were MINE?
LEELA: (on the video screen) Uuuh, F-fry... calm down! Down boy! T-this isn't fair! I-I can't... OoooooooohfffffffffFFFFF...
SCRUFFY: (video taping behind the one way glass) Scruffy will settle for bondage... yep.