Futurama

Fan Fiction

Probability Improbable
By dinkdrinker

(OPENING CREDITS)

CAPTION: Who's your daddy? I AM!!!


Scene: Planet Express Lounge. It is a slow delivery day, and Leela, Fry, and Bender are sitting down watching the television. The door opens, and the Professor shuffles over to the three of them...

PROFESSOR: Behold! My latest invention!

FRY: Ew! Smells like you took a whiz in a sneaker!

LEELA: (grabbing the invention from the Professor) That's because it IS a sneaker with whiz in it! Damn it, Professor, that's evil!

PROFESSOR: Evil!? No it's not! (grabs it back) It is the future of space travel! The IMPROBABILTY DRIVE!

LEELA: (wiping off her hands on the couch) THAT is an engine?

FRY: Hey wait a minute, didn't Douglas Adams do something like this back in...

PROFESSOR: (slaps Fry) SHUT UP! I INVENTED THIS! Besides, THIS one's not infinite- just improbable!

LEELA: (eying the sneaker-engine) Is it safe?

PROFESSOR: I said it wasn't infinite, didn't I? (Chuckles) Now, off you go!

BENDER/LEELA/FRY: Uh/What?/(dumb look)

PROFESSOR: Off to the most improbable planet for your next delivery- Planet Probable!

LEELA: But Professor, if we just use the wormholes and the space highways...

PROFESSOR: SHUT UP, WOMAN. This is an excuse to try out my most dangerous, I mean, my latest invention!

Scene: Cut to the inside of the ship. The Professor has just installed the new engine right on the bridge, next to the pilot's controls.

PROFESSOR: With this engine, it will take you to the most improbable spot in the universe- which is Planet Probable, because, as even as Fry knows, no one would go there! (chuckles to himself again) See how it's different, now, Fry?

FRY: (not sure) Yeah, whatever.

PROFESSOR: With this engine taking you to that planet in half the time, we can make a delivery to said planet once a week, and make a FORTUNE! They pay cash in advance, and didn't balk when I quadrupled the rate!

BENDER: Quadrupled!? Whoa! Must be some dangerous cargo...

PROFESSOR: Oh my, no... just a crate of Babel Fish.

FRY: Now, wait a minute, I know I...

PROFESSOR: (slapping Fry) I SAID SHUT UP! (looks at his hand) Oooh, that looks broken...

LEELA: (thinking) O.K., Professor, but will we be able to get back to Earth afterwards...

PROFESSOR: I SAID it wasn't INFINITELY improbable! You'd return to Earth... eventually.

LEELA: E-eventually?...

PROFESSOR: Oh, you'll return to Earth, all right... may not be THIS Earth, Oh my no... but... NEVER MIND! (shuffles off the ship)

Leela, Fry, and Bender all look at each other with worried expressions.

LEELA: Weeeeelll.... I suppose...

She turns on the ship, and it makes a funny humming sound as it powers up. Looking out the front window, she sees Amy, Zoidberg, Scruffy, and Hermes, all carrying the Professor, running like mad to safety. Leela shrugs her shoulders and...

LEELA: O.K. You two- here we go!

As soon as Leela says 'go', a blinding light surrounds the ship. As the light dissipates, the ship is in orbit... around Planet Probable.

FRY: Whoa! Neato!

BENDER:(looking out the window) Neato, indeed, hairless monkey! I can use this thing for quick get-aways and...

LEELA: I'm sure you boys could think of all kinds of sophomoric and warped things to do with it, but that can wait! Besides, according to the clock, ONE DAY has passed! Apparently, every time this drive engages, we lose 24 hours. (looks at the gauges again) Also... damn it! Communication back home is off line! (punches communicator after trying it) This damned engine is sending out some kind of wave or something that kills our communications! Damn you, Professor! Sigh... let's get this delivery done and over with! I'm paying the baby sitter by the hour, thank you.

Half an hour later in the ship...

FRY: THAT WAS THE EASIEST DELIVERY EVER!

BENDER: And they paid us in intra-galactic currency as bonuses for getting here early!

LEELA: That was TOO easy! O.K.- let's not tell the Professor about getting the money, and go home and have some fun!

Leela punches in the coordinates for Earth...

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 1.7.

LEELA/FRY/BENDER: WHAT!?

LEELA: I- I programmed OUR Earth coordinates! These coordinates are wrong! And I can't change them! Oh damn- ANOTHER day wasted!

A bright flash...

FRY: Well, it LOOKS like Earth...

Leela requests permission to land at Planet Express coordinates. The Traffic controller sounds confused, and gives them different coordinates to land at. They land in a parking lot, across the street from a fish and chips shop... everyone is flying on the opposite side from what they are used to...

Great Britain Planet (v1.7)-

LEELA: O.K. Guys- this appears to be a British Earth- please, PLEASE behave. The Brits have impeccable manners... for the most part. They welcomed us to their planet, let's not wear it out- we may have to come back some time.

FRY: (looks out the window) O.K. That explains why Macy's is now Harrods...

BENDER: (makes farting noises)

LEELA: Let's all meet at Harrods in an hour. That gives us all time to call home with an update, and look around and buy stuff.

One hour Later...

Fry can be seen pacing back and forth in front of Harrods. He has a bag full of perfume, jewelry, and food for Leela and himself. Leela comes walking up behind him, throwing her arms around him, kissing him.

LEELA: Oh, sweetie, is it for me? Hey, where's Bender?

FRY: I dunno... he said he wanted to be here early to pilfer this place... I'm getting worried.

Suddenly, Bender comes running up to them, grabs them both, and drags them to the nearest side street.

LEELA: Wow, Bender, you're terrified! (sarcastic) What's the matter? Did another man-bot try to grab 'little Bender' again?

BENDER: I don't like it here! It's scary! Everyone is overly polite! Well, not the robots- they are just... different from our robots!

FRY: How so, Bender?

BENDER: They keep saying they want to convert me! I like my operating system the way it is, now!

LEELA: How do they want to change you?

BENDER: Well... uhm... Leela, wha- what's a 'poofter'?

Fry and Bender both look at Leela...

LEELA: Uuuuuuh.... let's get out of here- forget the 'safe route'- we're going to take the short cut!

Moments later- The short cut takes them through a 'bad section' of town...

FRY: Cool! Same to you bud! (Fry flashes his index and middle fingers-the old 'Two Finger Salute'- in the air to a group of punks.)

LEELA: Damn it Fry! What are you doing?

FRY: What? It's only the old 'peace sign'

LEELA: No it is NOT... that is with the hand turned the other way! You do that enough here, you'll get us killed!

FRY: Oh! I get it, they're not Brits!

LEELA/BENDER: What!?

FRY: Sure- if you do it that way- (demonstrates) it's the same way Churchill did it to taunt his enemies! That's why they don't like it!

BENDER: Uh, Fry, the dirty old fart was telling the Germans... oh never mind.

LEELA: Look- finally!- there's the ship- someone go across the street and get me some chips, and a deep fried Mars bar!

BENDER: I'll be in the pub for a pint!

One hour later, after dragging Bender from the pub kicking and screaming, they board the ship.

LEELA: O.K.- let's try this again... setting the coordinates for EARTH...

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 1.26

BENDER: Oh crap!

LEELA: Here we go AGAIN...

FLASH...

As the light fades, they are in orbit around an Earth that is not very friendly... they have weapons of every kind imaginable pointed at every planet within one light year. Their satellites are blasting propaganda against every planet ever known.

North Korea Planet (v 1.26)

BENDER: OOOH- I LIKE it here!

The ship is suddenly fired upon from all directions.

LEELA: Whoops! Next planet!

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 1.9

FLASH...

LEELA: O.K... they accepted the coordinates... but now we're going to land in an open field, next to a small farmer's market.

FRY: Sure is pretty out there.

BENDER: But, but the last planet- now THAT had curb appeal!

LEELA: Bender- this place has alcohol- (throws money at Bender) go away! Fry, you and I can check out the market. Bender, meet us there.

France Planet (v1.9)

The Farmer's Market. Fry and Leela have bought all kinds of fresh food, and are bringing it back to the ship. Bender soon joins them, making it a party of FOUR...

FRENCH GUY: (hitting on Leela) Ma cherie amour! You are zee most beautiful flower in zee world!

LEELA: (showing her wedding band, and blushing) But monsieur, I'm already taken! Still, that is very sweet of you...

FRY: Yeah! SO BUZZ OFF, ALREADY! She's MY woman, froggy!

FRENCH GUY: (dryly) Very well, we could have made beautiful music together, no? But as all French men are lovers and not fighters by nature, I will respect your love of zee husband.

BENDER: Yeah, lovers instead of fighters!? Is THAT why you can't win a war to save your lives? You're just a bunch of cowards! Heh heh heh.

FRENCH GUY: (getting pissed) Ma mere an papa were in zee resistance! They are not cowards! They have guns!

BENDER: Yeah- I can see them selling them on the e-Bay planet now- French rifles... never used, dropped only once! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The French guy grabs a baguette from one of the bags Fry is carrying, and shoves it between Bender's eyes. Bender starts staggering around yelling obscenities, as the French guy wails on him.

LEELA: Well- so much for love, let's go Fry, before they mistake us for Nazis!

Leela and Fry drag Bender once again back to the ship.

BENDER: (still stumbling around blindly) I was winning, chumps! Why did ya stop the fight?

LEELA: Because you fight like a dead kitten, that's why.

BENDER: (finally dislodging the bread from his eyes) Do not!

FRY: You got beat up by a FRENCH DUDE! Ha ha ha!

BENDER:(Pissed) Did not... I was simply luring him in for the kill... CAN WE GO TO THE NEXT EARTH NOW, DAMN IT!?

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 2.43

LEELA: Oh, Lord... here we go...

FLASH...

EARTH VERSION 2.43: Unknown ship- are you friend or foe?

LEELA: Friend! We are just looking for some food and drink for our journey...

EARTH VERSION 2.43: Are any of you skilled in the combative arts?

LEELA: What kind of a question...

BENDER: OOH OOH OOH!!! I AM! I'm a regular robotic killer!

EARTH VERSION 2.43: Proceed to land at the following coordinates...

Israel Planet (v2.43)

Leela lands the ship in a very cramped, old section of a very small city. It definitely looks like it has seen better days.

LEELA: Bender, be careful- apparently, whatever you said, they are sending robots out to meet you. Now, not that we don't trust you, but Fry and I will be following at a distance, just in case.

BENDER: Yeah, yeah- stuff a sock in it, skin tubes!

The three descend the steps. Bender looks around, and immediately sees things he likes, and puts two and two together...

BENDER: Children playing with dreidels/droidels, strict rules to break, and lots of expensive, shiny things in the Synagogues to steal! Oh, these are MY people! (runs up to group of robots) Mazel tov, brothers!

JEWISH-BOT: Mazel tov! (hugs and kisses Bender) You must be Reb Bender!- Here is your sten gun...

BENDER: Ooh!

JEWISH-BOT: ...and some grenades...

BENDER: YES!

JEWISH-BOT: You can fly, nu? The keys to a space tank...

BENDER: Ohjoyohjoyohjoy!!!....

JEWISH-BOT: ...and now you are ready to defend our children from Palestine Planet.

BENDER: Eh, what?

A huge explosion shakes the whole area.

BENDER: Whoops! Look at the time- gotta go! So sorry!

Running back towards the ship, he runs into Leela and Fry in the market buying more supplies, grabs them, tucking them under his arms and runs towards the ship, climbing the steps two at a time. Dropping Fry on the floor, Bender tosses Leela in the pilot's seat, and punches in coordinates for Earth.

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 3.12

FLASH...

LEELA: Well Bender, what ever planet YOU sent us to has the most space traffic I have ever seen! They aren't even clearing people to land! They just keep repeating 'Stay in single file, and follow the signs to the parking lots'! It's bad enough every time we travel we lose a day... but THIS!

BENDER: (drinking) Eh- big deal. Can't be that bad...

Brazil Planet (v3.12)

LEELA: It seems to be some kind of party- they should have food and supplies here... Maybe we can call home if BENDER doesn't do anything!

As the three walk into the main square where the party is going on...

FRY: Whoo! Carnival!

LEELA: Sigh... damn it, Fry... (covers Fry's eyes and drags him away from the scantily clad revelers).

BENDER: Whoo! New pics to post on-line! Oh, yeah!

LEELA: Oh spluck... you guys are gonna make this difficult for me, aren't you?

Leela turns off Bender, and knocks out Fry-

LEELA: Sorry baby- (kisses Fry) it was for your own good!

Back on the ship-

BENDER: (coming back on-line) Oh yeah baby- I wanna...HEY! What did you do!? You turned me off! You dirty rotten female dog!

LEELA: Yes I did- because you were going to do something that would waste our time!

BENDER: (checking internal clock) Hey wait a minute- five hours passed, unaccounted for! And we JUST got back on the ship?

Leela looks around nervously.

BENDER:You... did you... he he he! (Bender mimics lifting up a shirt repeatedly)

LEELA: I-I managed to call home and I got more money, thank you very much!

BENDER: I bet you did! Whooo!

FRY: (coming to) Uuugh, what happened? Where are we? Are we home yet? What's it been? A week?

LEELA: (shaking a fist at Bender, then quickly turning to Fry) No Fry, not yet... and yes- one week and counting. We're gonna keep trying. We are not giving up...

Time Passes...

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 1.1

FLASH...

The planet has many clear, open spaces. It is beautiful and pristine. Leela is given coordinates to land in the nearest town. They walk out into the open and are surrounded by some of the nicest people they have ever met. Everywhere is bathed in a patriotic red and white, and has red maple leaves covering everything. The intra-galactic currency they received is quite strong on this planet, and goes very far at the market.

Canada Planet (v1.1)

LEELA: Wow, thanks, you guys! (hands back a cell phone after making the call home) That was sure nice of you to help us in the market and help us gather our stuff!

CANADIAN GUY: No problem, really.

FRY: So, what do you do for entertainment around here?

CANADIAN GUY: (joking) Oh, we just sit around watching the maple syrup boil down and the snow fall.

BENDER: Ohh- look at this snowflake... and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one...

LEELA: (face palms) Common Bender- we know they're all different...

FRY: Ooh, do you guys know any Mounties? And if you do, can I ride his moose?

CANADIAN GUY 2: (rolls eyes) It's not like that anymore, really...

LEELA: Come on guys- we can't waste these gentlemen's time any more than we have. Thank you very much for your hospitality!

CANADIAN GUY: No problem, eh? See ya round.

FRY: (as they are walking away) Wow- this place is BORING... they have NOTHING to do!

CANADIAN GUY 2: Man, are they gone!? I thought they'd NEVER leave! Damn U.S. Americans think they RULE the universe! Rude bastards!

CANADIAN GUY: (Grunts his approval) So, whatcha wanna do? Curling? Skiing? Hockey?

CANADIAN GUY 2:(opens a Canadian Club bottle) Whaddaya say we just call up some friends for a nice roaring fire outside, and the hot tub?

MORE time passes...

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 1.2

BENDER: Oh crap! We're gonna miss another 'All my Circuits'!

FLASH...

The ship is orbiting a beautiful planet covered in snow capped mountains, deep, green valleys, and clean mountain lakes. Mozart's 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik' is heard coming through the speakers after Leela receives coordinates. Landing the ship, they see beautiful old world buildings, gingerbread homes, cows grazing in the fields...

Austria Planet (v1.2)

LEELA: O.K., Bender- there is beer, wine, schnapps... go at it!

BENDER: WHOO! (Bender runs out)

FRY: O.K. Leela- let's get something to eat- I'm so hungry I could eat Bender's cooking!

LEELA: Ugh- well thank God we won't need to do that. Look, this little street is nothing but food shops.

Leela and Fry walk down the street hand in hand, looking in windows. Finally they decide on one, and enter. Soon, they are sitting down and eating like a King and Queen.

LEELA: Oh LORD, this is good! Try this, Fry! (Leela hands Fry a coffee laden with cinnamon, nutmeg, cream, with whipped cream and chocolate on top)

FRY: Damn, that's awesome! Here, try some of these pastries!

LEELA: (scarfing down pastry) Oh- oh oh oh! This is SOOOOO damned good! This place reminds me of Demel's! But let's not fill up on this, Fry, It'll ruin our appetite- the shop next door sells schnitzel! So only another ten or twelve pastries!

Leela and Fry continue to stuff themselves silly on sweets and coffee...

FRY: Hey, where's Bender?

LEELA: Who cares? There's no beer in this establishment. He's probably somewhere trying to keep entertained.

Gunfire is heard from outside.

FRY: Oh NO! Gunfire! Do you think we should cheese it?

LEELA: Naw, it's just an old Austrian tradition to fire off guns on the holiday to scare off evil spirits.

FRY: But it's nowhere near a holiday...

LEELA: (thinking) Scare off... evil... BENDER! Common, Fry, Looks like our deciding to come back here with Violet and dump our crummy home planet is busted! Let's go get Bender and get out of here! (they grab all the food in site and run like hell)

Running back toward the ship, they see Bender waiting for them.

BENDER:(boarding the ship) What took you so long!? I almost got killed out there! They have guns!

LEELA: Bender- enough out of you! In case you haven't noticed, over half of the planets we leave have fired on the ship because of you! The OTHER half we left without contacting home! We have ALSO taken on so much damage, it's amazing I can keep this crate flying!

BENDER: Oh shut up big boots, and punch it in- you know the routine!

Leela just sighs and punches in the coordinates for home again...

LEELA: It can't get much worse, it really can't!

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version 3.12

FLASH...

Brazil Planet- Again-

A half naked Fry is being dragged back to the ship by Leela – she has him by his... ear. She is NOT happy with him...

LEELA: O.K... NOW it can't get much worse! Get on the ship, damn it!

Leela Punches in the coordinates yet again...

PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Earth Version... OH DAMN- you're on your own, sister!

FRY: Oh no! You just HAD to say something, didn't you, Leela!?

FLASH...

The 'Country that EVERYBODY hates' Planet (Earth v 666).

LEELA: O.K. You two Kong Donkeys! They are not returning my hails, are not sending landing coordinates... we are going to have to run the risk of landing this beat up jalopy! The ship is starting to overheat, and it needs a well-deserved rest! Hang on...

Leela limps the ship to the center of a meadow full of tall grass, and tufts of brush and small trees. The three of them exit the ship to try and work on the ship.

FRY: Whoa- this is kinda nice- no problems here, Leela!

Suddenly, from behind every tree, bush, and out of the tall grass, Commandos with automatic rifles jump out and surround them.

COMMANDO LEADER: You are all under arrest!

BENDER: (smacking Fry in the back of the head, and mocking him) No problems HERE, Leela!

Scene: a large communal jail cell. Leela, Fry, and Bender are thrown into the cell without so much as a word. Among the inhabitants of the jail cell are The Space Pope and his entourage, and the Neutral Planet Leader, who were lured here under false pretenses.

NEUTRAL LEADER: ...well, it could be better, or it could be worse. Who is to know.

SPACE POPE: My children, perhaps we should all gather and pray for our quick release.

LEELA: How long have YOU been here, your Holiness?

SPACE POPE: Let's see... three weeks, I believe.

FRY: THREE WEEKS? Oh man, Leela! You gotta get us outa here!

LEELA: (Sigh) You're right- we need to get out of here... O.K.- I'm thinking of...

BENDER: OH FOR THE LOVE OF!!!...

Bender shoves everyone aside, walks up to the bars and bends them open. He looks over his shoulder with a look of disgust at the group.

BENDER: DUUUHH... HERE'S an idea! LET'S USE THE BENDING UNIT!!!

The rest of the group look around at each other sheepishly, and one by one, slip between the bent bars.

LEELA: O.K., we still have to get past the guards, escape the prison, cross the meadow to where the ship...

BENDER: You know what, Leela? I like you a whole lot more when you don't talk! Fry- shove your tongue in her mouth and shut her up!

FRY: YES!!! (sees Leela is not amused) Oh... Uhhhh...

LEELA: Look it, Bender, as the self appointed leader, I need to plan...

BENDER: Oh, like how you planned our escape from the cell? Right! Good one, oh Mighty Boobed Blabbermouth! Now... (tapping a finger against his head) with this superior robot mind, I have already calculated our escape!

LEELA: Now look Bender, I know you want to help, but you need to think of everything...

BENDER: Leela... I've got EVERYTHING covered!

LEELA: Everything?

BENDER: EVERYTHING. I swear it!

Reluctantly, Leela gives into Bender's way of thinking. Bender has formulated an escape route for the group while he provides a diversion. They agree to meet up outside the wall, in the field where the ship is parked, on the far side. A mere thirty seconds after meeting up...

FRY: This is so not good! This is just like the time I caught myself in my zipper, but less painful! Or wet!

Barking is now heard far off...

NEUTRAL PLANET LEADER: I'm not sure how we should feel about this, but from what I hear, someone just released canines to track us.

LEELA: (glaring at Bender) And we were SURE we took care of all the guards and 'everything'?

SPACE POPE: I have been talking to the Lord, my children, and he has told me 'Thou Art Boned!' This is bad!

LEELA: This is beyond bad, your Holiness! This totally BAJAS, men! (glaring at Bender) Whoever let the dogs out, is gonna get a nice medal, and a bonus, I'm sure! Do any of you guys have any ideas?

BENDER: Oh! I know! A sacrifice! Fry!

LEELA & FRY: NO!

LEELA: Someone that could handle the dogs. (to Fry) No offense sweetie.

FRY: Awww, I mean yeah! No, wait... errrr....

BENDER: We need someone with a tough exterior- literally! So if the dogs DO get in a bite or two, it won't hurt as much!

PRIEST: Like the Space Pope!

The Space Pope's jaw just gapes open as he looks at the priest with shock, hurt and anger.

PRIEST: Oh, I mean the robot!

BENDER: Why is it always ME putting my shiny metal ass on the line!?

LEELA: I second Bender.

FRY: I second Bender too! I mean... thirds!

LEELA: (pats Fry on the head with a pleased expression) Good boy! All in favor? (everyone but Bender and the Neutral leader raises their hand)... all opposed? (only Bender raises his hand. Looks at Neutral Planet leader...) All abstaining? (Neutral leader still doesn't raise hand) It's settled- Bender you're gonna be the scape goa... I mean hero. Good luck, metal man!

BENDER: Hey! That's not fair!

FRY: Sure it was- real democratic like!

BENDER: Who said I wanted it that way!?

LEELA: O.K., Bender- you don't like the democratic way of doing things...

BENDER: NO.

LEELA: Then it's dictatorship... DO IT NOW, DAMN IT!!!

Leela starts beating the crap out of Bender.

BENDER: Oh your God! Ow ow ow! You sadistic she devil! Where are the dogs! They've got to be better than you!

Bender runs from Leela towards where the barking is coming from. The others make a mad dash, running. They make it to the ship safely, just as they hear Bender getting attacked by the dogs.

Later in the ship-

SPACE POPE: Relax, Bender, my son. Brother Bartholomew is an expert metal worker- he will have your posterior end as good as new in no time.

BENDER: In the mean time, I think it would only be right if you all lined up to kiss it, and help make it feel better! And your Holiness could have remembered the Holy Hand Grenade a little earlier, you know!

SPACE POPE: (Smiling) Yes, yes, my son... all of your posterior end biting could have been avoided, heh heh heh.

FRY: What else do you manage to keep hidden in all of those robes you wear?

SPACE POPE: My child, you do NOT want to know.

LEELA: I have an idea... Your Holiness, is there a blessing for engines?

SPACE POPE: My sweet, sweet child, there is a blessing for everything.

LEELA: Do you think you could bless the improbability drive?

PRIEST: Well, any of us in his holiness' entourage could bless it, but I... wait a minute!...

BENDER: Oh, I get it! Just how probable would it be for an improbability drive to be blessed by the Pope and priests light years from their planet!?

SPACE POPE: Well, actually, it's...

BENDER: Shh! Shut up!

LEELA: That would be so improbable, it would probably then send us to the most PROBABLE place we want to go!

EVERYONE: EARTH!

Scene: We see the Space Pope and his priests gathered around the Improbability Drive, chanting, and blessing it. As they are finishing up, the ship starts to shudder, and a soft glowing starts to grow out of the drive until it fills the whole ship. Then, in a flash...

SPACE POPE: Hmmm, must have been possessed... I thought it was evil...

LEELA: Oh, Bonedus Maximus! Now the engine is totally off line! We would get the main engine synced in, fired up and on-line, if we knew how!

BROTHER BARTHOLOMEW: If I may say something, before I took my vows, I was also a SSE certified mechanic.

FRY: SSE...?

LEELA: (whispers to Fry- 'Spaceship Service Excellence Certified') Wonderful, Brother! Let Fry take you to the engine room to check it out!

Mere moments later, the ship shutters, and the main engine is on line and running at over 150% original efficiency. Communications are restored, and the Priest and Fry return to the bridge.

BROTHER BARTHOLOMEW: (walking in w/ Fry) Well, that was an easy fix! Even with your husband helping me!

FRY: You're welcome Bart.

Leela moves the ship off the ground and limps it into space.

LEELA: Fry, I think...

BROTHER BARTHOLOMEW: Let it go, Leela, just let it go... it's all right.

LEELA: (looking at the gauges) HOLY SHIIIiii... (looks at the Pope and Priests) oops- sorry!

PRIESTS: We get that a lot- it's O.K.

LEELA: How did you get this engine to run so smoothly and at such an efficient rate!?

BROTHER BARTHOLOMEW: Let's just call it our own little 'miracle'.

NEUTRAL PLANET LEADER: What is our estimated time to one of our home planets, now?

LEELA: (looks at gauges again, and frowns) Looks like Earth is the closest at... oh no... FIVE MONTHS.

EVERYONE: WHAT!?

FRY: But what about the wormholes? And the space highways?

LEELA: Well, the engine could handle that now, no problem, but I'm afraid the ship itself has taken way too much damage to do much faster than impulse speed! (punches in the coordinates for Earth) We are going to have to take the long, slow way home- sorry! At least we know where the next stop is! I suggest everyone gets comfortable... this is gonna be a LONG trip. Now that we can send and receive messages, Fry, be a sweetie and please send a message to Planet Express and our sweet Violet, and tell them everything? Maybe put in a call to Septuple A?

FRY: I'm on it, Captain!

A little under five months later...

The Planet Express ship lands outside the hangar, with help from a space tow truck, and everyone gets off. The Neutral Planet leader is met by a Doop transport, and taken home, and the Space Pope and the priests decide to stay in NNY at a convent for the night, before returning to Rome.

Amy, holding Violet, and the Professor come running out to greet them.

AMY: Holy spluck!- for a while we had thought we'd never see you alive again!

Fry and Bender are walking down the front steps

FRY: (taking his daughter from Amy, hugging and kissing her) You'd be amazed how long you can live on stale bread, pastries, matzos, and communion wafers!

BENDER: And the wine! Don't forget the sacrificial wine!

FRY: Man, those priests had some goooood drink...

PROFESSOR: Well, I suppose it is good you are back alive... I mean, you are family and all. (hugs Fry) Besides, now you can pay me back for paying off the damned baby sitter! (Amy smiles, rubbing her hands together) Where is Leela?

AMY: Look- here she comes now...

Leela comes down the steps...

AMY: OH MY GOD!!! LEELA- you are FAT!!!

LEELA: (disgruntled) Not fat.

AMY: What did you say?

LEELA: (whispering) I said it's not fat.

AMY: what do you mean it's... OH, SPLUH!!!! You're PREGNANT!

PROFESSOR: Uhwah? Pregnant!? NOOOOO!!!! DAMN YOU FRY!!!! That's it! I'm having you neutered!

Fry just giggles.

LEELA: (Glaring at Amy, for blabbing) Remind me to kill you later...

AMY: but, but... how...

BENDER: (laughing) YOU of all people should know HOW!!! Hahahahaha!!!!! Come on, meat-slut- it was around five months in space, with one month of pills! YOU do the math!

END CREDITS

LEELA: That does it... I am gonna go throw up... on ALL of you...

Buddies