Futurama

Fan Fiction

Not Perfekt
By dinkdrinker

Everyone is at the Fry residence for a weekly weekend get together.

MORRIS: It's kind of funny that Violet hasn't started speaking yet! It's obvious she's a bright child, but she should have been talking by now!

LEELA: Well, her father IS Fry... oh, sorry, sweetie- no offense.

FRY: (sighs) None taken.

MUNDA: (pats him on the back and kisses him on the cheek) It's O.K., darling, we still love you.

FRY: Thanks, mom, besides- we were gone quite a while- maybe she was depressed? (picks up Violet, and points at himself) Say da da! Da da!

Violet just smiles, and points back at him.

FRY: Hey Bender- I thought you said you were going to teach her!

BENDER: I did, meat bag! Let's try again! (encouraging Violet) Common baby-bot! Say it!

Violet looks at Bender, and a big smile grows across her face...

FRY:(points to self again) Da da! DAAAAA DAAAAA. Da da!

VIOLET: (points at Fry) Mumble mumble...

FRY: She's gonna say something! (everyone gathers around waiting in excited anticipation) Say da da!

VIOLET: (points at Fry) Excwament!

FRY: (hurt) Did, did she just call me...

Everyone is hysterical with laughter. Violet is pleased with herself.

BENDER- (grabs Violet and starts dancing w/ her) Oh yeah! We win! Do the Bender! Do the Bender!

(OPENING CREDITS)

CAPTION: IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR GENTICLES!

Later-

LEELA: Violet, sweetie, let's try again, O.K.?

Violet smiles.

Leela points to herself...

VIOLET: Ma ma!

Leela points to Bender...

VIOLET: Ben-be!

BENDER: Aw! How sweet! (wipes a tear from his eye) she loves her Uncle 'Ben-be'!

Leela- points to Fry...

VIOLET: (a big toothless grin returns) EXCWAMENT!

FRY: OH FOR THE LOVE OF!!!!... hang on!

Fry runs off to the nursery, returning with a used diaper. In the meantime, Violet rattles off everyone else's names flawlessly.

LEELA: Eww! Fry!? What in robot hell are you doing?

Fry opens up the soiled diaper and shows it to Violet.

FRY: (angry) THIS is 'excwament'! (points at self) DA DA... (points at soiled nappie) 'excwament'!

Violet has a serious look on her face... she looks at the solid waste, looks at her father...

VIOLET: (points at Fry) EXCWAMENT. (points at the soiled diaper) DA DAAAAA!!!!!

Everyone is now rolling on the floor w/ laughter, holding their sides, and crying. Violet is now 'playing' with the 'da da' making a huge mess.

FRY: Oh God, No! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Leela collapses on the floor in laughter. She's holding her very swollen belly, and her parents help her up.

MORRIS: Leela, sweetie, you need to be careful! Doctor's orders!

LEELA: (catching breath) Thanks Dad. You're right. The baby.

Fry hears 'doctor' and 'baby' and jumps up from cleaning Violet and the mess and comes running to Leela's side.

FRY: LEELA! Are you O.K.!?

LEELA: I'm Fine, Fry! I'm Fine... can you...

FRY: Of course.

Fry helps her get comfortable on the couch.

AMY: Here, Leela... (Amy pushes over an ottoman and helps Leela get her sore, swollen feet and legs up.) and Fry- you really don't need to worry about every little thing!

FRY: Well, yeah, but...(trails off)

Everyone in the room looks at Fry and Leela, knowing full well they almost lost their son twice now. Fry has every reason to worry about his wife and child.

MORRIS: (changing the subject, and handing Kif a beer) Hey, Kif! That's a spiffy new uniform you've got yourself there! Imagine- a friend of ours is an Admiral... finally! I'm sure you'll have some stories to tell us and your kids later!

KIF: (pulling up a folding chair, and giggling) Oh, I have a story already ! After taking command of the new flagship, Cumulonimbus, my crew and I decided to have a little fun! At Zapp's expense, of course!

Everyone hears this and gathers around, leaning in.

KIF: It seems General Jackass demanded to go out in the Nimbus for our trials and to 'put me through the paces'. Maybe he should have read his 'Big Book Of War' before hand... especially the part about knowing your enemies! His damned ship is archaic compared to mine! Just for starters, I have multi-firing/ multi-target lasers and torpedoes, cloaking, communication jamming/altering equipment...

AMY: Oh, Kiffy! (giggling) Just what did you do!?

Kif looks around slyly.

KIF: You all understand these are considered 'confidential', of course...

He pulls out two chips from an inside breast pocket, and puts one in a player next to Leela and Fry's T.V.

Soon...

On Screen-

COMMANDER: Sir! That fat buffoon is firing live ammo at us!

KIF: (un-fazed) Shields up.

LIEUTENANT: Shields up and at maximum Yarnell, Sir!

COMMANDER: Sir- the Nimbus is still firing! Orders, sir?

KIF: Who is up for some FUN!? Go to cloak!

LIEUTENANT: Cloaking! Aye, Sir!

KIF: (a huge grin is on his face) Target main engines, all escape pods, and the bridge.

Everyone on the bridge's eyes are glistening, and they are all smiling like idiots.

BRIDGE OFFICERS: YES SIR!!!

A firestorm never before fired by a Doop ship hits the Nimbus, knocking her helm off-line, jamming all escape pods, and blowing her main engines. The ship does a slow decent toward the planet it was orbiting with barely working maneuvering engines. It does not have a comfortable landing.

COMMANDER: Sir- they are hailing Doop! A distress signal...

KIF: Alter their message!

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Sir?

KIF: Oh, I don't know, say... alter it so the rescue mission will NOT include 'Brown Out' detergent to clean anyone's velour uniform, not to include any toupee/hair care products, oh!- and only send diet rations.

The men and women under him all gladly follow his orders with sadistic glee.

The recording ends. Everyone in the room is hysterical, and wiping tears from their eyes. Kif is obviously quite pleased with himself.

KIF: I almost hesitate to show you the next one- I had a plant on the Nimbus get me this from the bridge's recorder...

Kif puts the next chip in...

ZAPP: I'm telling you! We were fired on by invisible blue meanies!

GLAB: (looking at Zapp w/ disgust) Oh honey! I thought I told you to put on clean underwear!

ZAPP: They, they were! A-and don't call me that in front of the men!

GLAB: (clucks her tongue) Now mommy will have more work to do in taking out poopie stains from daddy's clothes! Naughty daddy!

ZAPP: (cringing, as everyone starts laughing at them) Dear God, stop it, Glab!

GLAB: And your hair! (straightens his rug) Let mommy...

ZAPP: (crying) Please stop, all ready! Not in front of my men!

Everyone is falling off the chairs and couch, crying and hurting from laughing too hard. Leela has to run to the bathroom.

FRY: Oh, SNAP! That's PERFECT!

KIF: Not perfect... but good enough! Besides, I'm not a MURDERER! (Everyone laughs at his comment as he gets up to stop the recoding)

FRY: Hey, Leela! Wasn't that...? Oh no...

Fry runs off to find Leela still giggling, but sitting, unceremoniously on the toilet.

LEELA: (wiping her eye) Bladder- nothing else, sweetie!

Meanwhile-

The Nimbus, inside the 'Lovenasium'

ZAPP: ...And so you see, only you and your people can help me regain top position in the Doop. I need that little green globby bastard to pay. I need my position and pay rate back! Can you do this for me?

A cloaked group of aliens looks at him, and then looks among themselves.

ALIEN LEADER: Oh, we can do it, all right. But it will cost you. Quite possibly, dearly.

ZAPP: Nothing can be too high a price to pay!

ALIEN LEADER: Nothing? Very well. Consider it done.

The aliens get up to leave.

ZAPP: Don't you want to get paid? What do I owe you?

ALIEN LEADER: Oh, don't worry about that! We'll get paid, all right!

The aliens leave Zapp to ponder this, as he straightens up a desk.

ZAPP: That's funny, I swear it was just here... where did my picture of the luscious Leela go to?

The next day, everyone is gone from Fry and Leela's place, and Fry surprises Leela with breakfast in bed, and having already 'fed' Violet (she is actually wearing more than she ate).

LEELA: Oh! Waffles! What a great surprise! And I thought I'd have to get you up for work!

FRY: (Pours syrup on the waffles for Leela) Yeah, sometimes I CAN do things right! Besides, the Professor wants me for some important delivery. Bender should actually be there, already.

LEELA: O.K. Sweetie. I'll see you later. And don't forget after picking up Violet from Mom and Dad's, to get me some more pillows! This damned 'bed rest' is killing me!

FRY: Sure. (kisses Leela goodbye) I'll be back as soon as I can!

LEELA: Fry! Be careful! Please.

FRY: YOU be careful! O.K.? Love you!

Fry fusses over Leela too long and she shoos him and Violet out so she can relax, watch T.V. and catch up on some reading. Fry drops his daughter off at his in-laws, and arrives at Planet Express to Bender waiting impatiently for him.

BENDER: ABOUT TIME, FLESH WAD! This isn't going to deliver itself!

FRY: But I'm actually early!

PROFESSOR: I don't pay you two to dilly dally with endless prater... GET THE HELL ON THE SHIP!!!

Bender had loaded up the ship and been briefed by Hermes, so when Fry arrived, they board the ship and take off...

SCENE: The Planet Express Ship's bridge.

BENDER: Man, you skin tubes are pathetic! Just hold you under water for a few minutes, and...

FRY: Bender, PLEASE. You already KNOW we can drown. Also, did you HAVE to use the TOILET for the demonstration?

BENDER: Heh, heh, heh, yeah- you really didn't like that, did you. At least you remembered to flush beforehand, this time!

FRY: C'mon, Bender- I have a lot on my mind. And this dangerous delivery isn't helping.

BENDER: Yeah... I bet you wish you could be fat and lazy like Leela! Laying down, all comfy, doin' nothing!...

Meanwhile- Leela is NOT laying down and staying comfortable. She is constantly shifting pillows, but nothing helps. Every time she tries to get comfortable, she glances at the clock, wondering when Fry will be back.

LEELA: (sighs) Fry won't be back for at least another three hours! Damn it. I know I told him to stop and get pillows... crap, I can't wait. Besides, the doctor will never have to know...

Leela gets up and gets dressed. She grabs some money from Fry's wallet (that he conveniently left by mistake) and heads out to buy some new pillows, and a sauerkraut and strawberry smoothie. About two blocks from home, she realized what a huge mistake she made. She leans upon a building to catch her breath.

PASSERBY: Turanga Leela?

LEELA: It's Fry now, but, yes, I'm Leela... do I know you?

The passerby shoves her into an alley, and into darkness.

Bender and Fry are about half way to the delivery point, when they hear something...

BENDER: I didn't do it! Your fault!

FRY: No I'm... wait! That's not an alarm!

BENDER: (suddenly calm, and lighting a cigar) I knew that.

FRY: It's a call from Planet Express!

Fry opens the line and sees the Professor on the screen.

PROFESSOR: Fry, I- I don't know how to tell you this... I... I... (The Professor starts crying, and wipes his eyes)

AMY: (crying) Phillip, you need to come back here, NOW!!!

FRY: OH, GOD! OH GOD, NO!!!

Scene- Taco Bellvue Hospital. Leela is propped up in a bed. She is bloody and bruised. She is swollen everywhere she shouldn't be, and isn't where she should. Fry almost breaks the door in when he bursts into the room.

LEELA: F-f-fry! I-I-I'm so s-sorry! Oh! Oh g-g-god! Our BABY!!! OH GOD, FRY!!! I LOST OUR BABY!!!

Leela collapses into Fry's arms, bawling hysterically. Fry starts crying, and telling Leela he loves her, over and over.

DOCTOR: (softly) Mr. and Mrs. Fry, here... here...

The doctor delivers a sedative to Leela, helping her drift off into much needed sleep and rest. He takes Fry aside.

DOCTOR: Mr Fry, I am so sorry at your loss...

FRY: (wipes his eyes and nose on his sleeve) What happened?

DOCTOR: (sparing Fry the gory details) Mr. Fry, I know it may not be any consolation, but your baby wouldn't have lived anyways. There were too many problems developmentally. I'm sorry...

The doctor tells Fry that Leela went out, and what happened, but nothing registered. All Fry knew was his Leela needed him. He never, NEVER seen her lose a fight, and it scared the crap out of him. Once again, he takes up a familiar spot- he pulls up a chair to the bed, takes Leela's hand, and waits...

A week passes, and Leela is well enough to go back home. Propped up in bed, she becomes overly-protective of Violet, much to Violet's dismay, as she can't get into any mischief.

LEELA: Fry, I... I was wondering...

FRY: What, Leela?

LEELA: I know you have to go back to work today, so could you... could you please...?

FRY: (smiling) I'll be extra careful, and I'll even try to think before I act! (he kisses her goodbye) No troubles, I promise! Oh, and Leela?

LEELA: Yes, Fry?

FRY: (chuckling) You may want to loosen your grip- our daughter is starting to look like her name!

Leela looks down and sees she has Violet in a bear hug, and is smothering her in her cleavage.

LEELA: (giggling slightly) Whoops!

Fry arrives at Planet Express to see that while he was gone, NONE of the deliveries went out. Hermes is yelling at him about some green snake and a something of someplace, and the Professor is screeching about the delivery he never delivered when he was called back. He rubs his temples... this is one of the few times he has pain without pictures in his minds eye, and he doesn't like it. 'Maybe it's a coffee or Slurm withdrawal... whatever', he thinks to himself. Bender is already drinking with the auto-pilot... great- so much for relaxing...

FRY: O.K. Bender, let's get this crate moving.

BENDER: Whoa, Buddy. Why so serious? Awww, right, I'm sorry. Maybe when we get back, I can cheer you up with a rousing game of pin the tail on the human! That'll cheer you up? Right? Games?

Fry goes to the first delivery on the list with full intentions of completing the days deliveries. But when he drops off the first delivery to some mysterious cloaked individuals...

FRY: ...And sign here.

RECEIVING CLERK: All right. Here you go. And here's a little something for your troubles!

The receiving clerk hands Fry a $100 intra-galactic bill. As Fry takes it, he opens his wallet to put it in, and the clerk sees a photo in his wallet.

RECEIVING CLERK: Is...is that... do you KNOW her?

FRY: (looking at the picture of Leela) wha? Yeah, of course! She's my wife!

RECEIVING CLERK: Your... your wife... oh, oh dear...

FRY: What's the matter?

RECEIVING CLERK: I... I think we made a serious, SERIOUS mistake... PLEASE wait here, Mr Fry.

The clerk walks a few paces from Fry, calls over his superiors; they all talk, then look over at Fry.

FLOOR SUPERVISOR: Mr. Fry... we specialize in (ahem) weaponry and... ah, 'convincing' people... similar to your Robot Mafia...

FRY: (nervously) Yeah?

FLOOR SUPERVISOR: (hands Fry Zapp's picture of Leela) I'm sorry, Mr. Fry, but... do you know a Zapp Brannigan?

Fry can't get back to the ship fast enough. His face is almost as red as his hair. Bender sees Fry, and he knows better than to cross his friend right now. He wisely gets out of Fry's way, and goes to his cabin to get another beer. In the meantime, Fry calls Kif as fast as he can...

KIF: (his ship is under attack) I'm a little busy here, Fry!

FRY: I know! You're being attacked by a 'cargo' ship that isn't one!

KIFF: How, how did you know that?

FRY: Never mind- JUST LISTEN...

Fry relays important tactical and technical information to Kif that he just received from his delivery recipients, and lets Kif go to kick ass with his new information.

FRY: O.K. LET'S GO.

BENDER: (coming back onto the bridge... looks around) Uh, Fry? Next delivery is that-a-way?

FRY: Change of plans... next delivery is Zapp Brannigan to the Cumulonimbus!

BENDER: What!? How are we...

FRY: SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!! Kif should easily have the goons he was fighting licked by now! He's gonna send a distress call directly to Zapp as bait!

BENDER: (still confused) But the Nimbus is still being repaired in dock!

FRY: THAT is where WE come in...

Fry 'conveniently' has the P.E. Ship near the Nimbus as Zapp takes the bait.

BENDER: Now what, Sausage link?

FRY: Now? We wait.

No sooner do the words leave Fry's lips, Zapp appears on the bridge.

ZAPP: You there! Hair-pile! I am commandeering this ship for urgent Doop business!

FRY: (Grinning evilly) Oh, really? What for?

ZAPP: That stupid little green wimp is in trouble and needs me! Here are the coordinates, robot! (He throws the information at Bender) Now nothing will stand between me and my promotion back to Admiral and it's rate of pay!

Bender looks over at Fry, and sees Fry nodding to him in the affirmative.

BENDER: Uuuuh.... coordinates are punched in... uh, Sir?

ZAPP: Excellent work, soldier! Now while we are waiting to get there...

FRY: While we are waiting, why don't you take Mr. Brannigan somewhere to relax? (under breath) and somewhere safe where I won't do anything to him that I will NOT regret...

BENDER: (even more confused) Uh, yes... Sir?

Bender looks over his shoulder at Fry as he escorts Zapp off the bridge, offering him food and drink.

FRY: I promise Leela, after this... after this...

Fry's knuckles are white from gripping the controls too hard, and his color is rising again. He struggles to control his composure, as he pulls up next to the Cumulonimbus...'miraculously' in one piece and most definitely NOT needing Zapp's help. The Cumulonimbus opens a cargo bay, and Fry flies in and lands.

Zapp immediately storms down the steps out into the cargo bay of the Cumulonimbus, only to see Kif and a welcoming party greeting him.

ZAPP: All right, sissy boy! Let a real man... hey... where is the destruction? The dead bodies? Kif, you failed me yet again.

KIF: (sighs and rolls his eyes) Why, yes... yes I did. I failed you in your moment of glory by doing it myself with a competent crew. Jonsey? Could you please take CAPTAIN Brannigan to his 'welcoming room'?

JONESEY: Yes ADMIRAL Kroker! This way, CAPTAIN Brannigan...

A Doop officer steps forward and escorts Zapp to a nondescript room.

ZAPP: (To his escort) Thank you, soldier. You are almost good enough to serve under me! If you ever get smart enough to put in a transfer, I'd be glad to put your life on the line for myself and the Doop!

JONESEY: (shoves Zapp into the room) Axe-hole! (pockets a key card) Oh well, there goes my promotion, huh!? Ha ha ha ha!!!

ZAPP: (trying door) Hey! This door is locked! A little help here, and no one gets in trouble!

Meanwhile Fry and Kif are arguing about Doop protocol as they walk to Zapp's room.

KIF: Fry, I KNOW what happened! But Doop protocol forbids you from taking revenge on a race or group that helped us! And their information definitely will save our collective hides, time and again in the future! Besides, they'd KILL you! I am NOT going to have the life of a friend weighing on my conscience! If Leela couldn't fight them..

FRY: LEELA COULDN'T BECAUSE SHE WAS SICK AND PREGNANT!

KIF: Fry! I forbid it! They can be very strong allies... besides Zapp is the one responsible for them...

FRY: I KNOW he is!... I never said I didn't want HIM...

KIF: OH! I thought...

FRY: Yeah, I may be dumb, but I'm not that dumb! I want the one responsible!

KIF: (trying to calm his friend, puts an arm around Fry's shoulders) Fry, that won't bring your little Yancy back...

FRY: (glares at Kif) One Hour... ALONE.

KIF: What? One hour?

FRY: ALONE... with BRANNIGAN.

KIF: I... I can't allow that...

FRY: (exploding) WHY NOT!?

KIFF: It's not that I wouldn't like you doing what you want to...

Fry just glares at Kif as they arrive at the door, where Zapp can still be heard on the other side ranting about being let out.

KIFF: It's like this Fry, Glab is coming right now to pick him up and bring him back to New Jersey. I am charged with holding him for her. She'll be here in ten minutes...

Suddenly, a delightfully, evil grin crosses the Amphibiosian's face...

KIF: WAIT... Fry?...Fry, you have FIVE MINUTES.

FRY:(Glaring at his friend) Only five minutes? (long pause) Not perfect... (mutters) but good enough.

Kif opens the door...

Fry places his hands into his jacket pockets, and feels the coolness of his brass knuckles, and slips them onto his hands...

THE END

Buddies