Futurama

Fan Fiction

Nibbler's 'Dicken's' Of A Story
By dinkdrinker

Scene: The Planet Express lounge. The Planet Express crew (minus Dr. Zoidberg) is relaxing, when Suddenly Nibbler jumps off the couch, walks over to the television and turns it off. He takes an old book off the table, opens it, and addresses his colleagues as well as fans, via the infamous 'fourth wall break'...

NIBBLER: Salutations, all, as well as dear Futurama nerdlingers! It is I, Lord Nibbler, here to continue an annual tradition of oratory Xmas gift giving. (puts on a pair of reading glasses and tamps tobacco down in his pipe... lights it) Tonight's reading for the Winter holiday is from a literary master of the English language...

FRY: Oh! Rowling?

NIBBLER: Wh-what?

FRY: No wait! Stephanie Mey...

NIBBLER: NO! I mean, it is most assuredly NOT her. Tonight's author is no less than England's majestic genius of Victorian times, Charles...

FRY: Ooh ooh ooh! Freer Andrews!

NIBBLER: How do you even KNOW... I... (clears his throat) No, I am of course, referring to the one and only Charles Dickens!

FRY: Wasn't he the guy who sang 'Blue Suede Shoes' before Elvis did...

LEELA: Shut the hell up, Fry! That's Carl Perkins! Charles Dickens wrote 'A Tale of Two Cities', 'The Pickwick Papers', 'Oliver Twist', and 'A Christmas Carol'!

AMY: Oooh! An Xmas ghost story! This is gonna be fun!

NIBBLER: (looks around) Uh, not exactly. I have decided to bypass the obvious choice, and go with one of the master's lesser known works.

AMY: So... it's NOT going to be 'A Christmas Carol'?

NIBBLER: Most assuredly not.

AMY: I'm outa here.

SRUFFY: Second.

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! There are no deliveries today!

FRY/LEELA/BENDER/AMY/SCRUFFY: Yay!/Whoo!/Let's get drunk!/All right!/More time for Scruffy's 'literature'... uh huh.

PROFESSOR: So we can all do one of two things...

BENDER: Leave! See you loosers on the flip side!

PROFESSSOR: Yes, yes, Bender, that is one option, or we can listen to Nibbler's story... you won't get paid if you leave.

AMY: (curses in Cantonese) I'm staying.

SCRUFFY: Second.

BENDER: Aw, crap! Can we drink?

PROFESSOR: Hmmm... I don't see why not.

BENDER: (pulls out a bowl of eggnog from himself) Good. (starts drinking, and uncharacteristically hands it around)

HERMES: Uh... got to go fill out da papers for da bootleg eggnog Bender is giving you all... duty awaits! (turns to Nibbler) Sorry mon! I think da Professor can help wid da papers...

PROFESSOR: (muttering) I thought you'd never ask... (follows Hermes out of the room)

NIBBLER: (looks around as everyone sits down, not so willingly) I shall now read a short story from Dickens, entitled 'What Christmas Is, As We Grow Older'...

FRY: Dangerous.

NIBBLER: W-what?

FRY: Dangerous! When I was a kid it was all fun and games, even after I got my eye taken out by my Red Rider B-B-gun! Now you can loose yer life! I wish I was a kid again! Sorry... you can continue...

NIBBLER: (clears his throat) What Christmas Is As We Grow Older... Time was, with most of us, when Christmas Day, encircling all our limited world like a magic ring, left nothing out for us to miss or seek; bound together all our home enjoyments, affections, and hopes; grouped everything and everyone around the Christmas fire; and made the little picture shining in our bright young eyes, complete. Time came...

FRY: What?

NIBBLER: (looks over the top of the book) Yes, Fry?

FRY: What the hell did he just say!?

NIBBLER: (sighs) Time was, with most of us, when...

FRY: Nah- I got THAT, but what's he mean?

LEELA: Nibbler, sweetie, you may have to dumb it down a wee bit for Fry to understand. (mouths ' A LOT' to Nibbler)

BENDER: A little? Try the third grade reading level! Hahahaha!! (everyone snickers)

FRY: Hey! I'll let you all know I passed grade level FOUR in just two tries!

AMY: Can we just get ON with this? Spleesh!

SCRUFFY: Is there any porn in this here story?

NIBBLER: (taken aback) Porn? Why most certainly not!

SCRUFFY: (turns to Amy and Bender) It's gonna be a long day, I recon.

NIBBLER: (sighs and rolls his eyes)

LEELA: Aww! It's okay, pooperdoodle! You can keep going!

NIBBLER: Time came, perhaps, all too soon! When our thoughts over-leaped that narrow boundary; when there was someone (very dear, we thought then, very beautiful, and absolutely perfect), wanting to the fulness of our happiness; when we were wanting to (or we thought so, or just as well) at the Christmas hearth by which that someone sat; and when we intertwined with every wreath and garland of our life with that someone's name...

FRY: Huh- kinda reminds me about how I feel about you, Leela...

BENDER: Will you shut up, Santa fodder? That made no sense!

NIBBLER: Actually, that... never mind... (clears throat again) That was the time for the bright visionary Christmases which have long arisen from us to show faintly, after summer rain, in the palest edges of the rainbow! That was the time...

FRY: Is this Christmas in July? Because why else would there be summer rain and a rainbow? I mean...

NIBBLER: IT IS A METAPHOR, I... sorry. Please Fry, stop interrupting, so others may enjoy the story.

FRY: Uh, sorry, Nibbler.

NIBBLER: where was I?... Ah yes... That was the time for the beautified enjoyment of the things that were to be, and never were, and yet the things that were so real in our resolute hope that it would be hard to say, now, what realities achieved since have been stronger! What! Did Christmas never really come when we...

FRY: I knew it! It DIDN'T come! The idiot! It comes when it snows! Not in the summer with rainbows and...

NIBBLER: (Under his breath) Mighty one, please...

BENDER: Maybe he wrote it in the SOUTHERN hemisphere, coffin stuffer.

FRY: Huh- never thought of that...

NIBBLER: May I please continue?

AMY: Yes, please. The Professor won't pay us overtime, and this needs to be done on time. No offense, Nibbler.

NIBBLER: (continues) What! Did Christmas never really come when we and the priceless pearl...

BENDER: PRICELESS PEARL!? WHERE!? You have my undivided attention!

FRY: (scared, and pointing a finger at Bender) Not me! Not ME! HE interrupted you!

BENDER: Ah, right. Book, yeah. Great. Just great. SO interested... please continue... (rolls his eyes and pounds down another glass of eggnog)

NIBBLER: … the priceless... pearl... (looks at Bender, who just turns to glare at him and then looks away again) who was our young choice were received, after the happiest of totally impossible marriages...

BENDER: Impossible marriages- like Fry and Leela! HA! (sings) To dream- the impossible dream!...

FRY: (jumps up) It is NOT impossible! (turns to Leela) Is it?

LEELA: (smiles playfully at him) Eh, maybe.

NIBBLER: (slams the book shut, and everyone jumps) MAYBE I should choose another Christmas story from Dickens to orate...

FRY/LEELA/BENDER/AMY/SCRUFFY: YAY!

NIBBLER: (looks at everyone, waits a few seconds, then opens the book) A Christmas Tree...

FRY: Where? We didn't cut one down yet...

NIBBLER: (now has one of his eyes tic nervously) It... it is the TITLE of the story.

FRY/LEELA/BENDER/AMY/SCRUFFY: Awww!

NIBBLER: (takes a deep, calming breath) I have been looking on, at a merry group of children... (glares at the crew) assembled around that pretty German toy, a Christmas tree. The tree...

AMY: Uh, Nibbler, a tree could hardly be considered a 'toy', not even by some of my 'braver' sorority sisters...

NIBBLER: WHAT? WHAT NOW!?

After a full ten seconds of silence, and just before Nibbler starts to read again...

AMY: This... this doesn't have ghosts in it, huh?

NIBBLER: No.

SCRUFFY: Porn?

NIBBLER: Wha- NO! (mutters to himself) Oh, why can't the Other be with the Mighty one's child and fulfill the prophecy, so I can leave this damned planet and go home? (Rubs his face in frustration, and speaks aloud to the group) May I please continue?

FRY/LEELA/BENDER/AMY/SCRUFFY: Yeah/sure/whatever/uh huh/yep.

Nibbler goes on with no interruptions for a full 45 seconds, as he describes all the toys in and around the Christmas tree... until...

NIBBLER: (excitedly) … there were fiddles and drums; there were tambourines, books, work-boxes, paint-boxes, sweetmeat-boxes, peep-show boxes...

SCRUFFY: PORN! Scruffy's happy!

NIBBLER: It... it is most assuredly NOT porn!

AMY: (giggles) Sounds like it to me!

BENDER: Got MY attention, fur ball!

NIBBLER: I did not mention pornography at all during...

BENDER: Peep-show boxes? Really?

NIBBLER: That is NOT what you THINK it is! It was a toy for CHILDREN!

AMY: (gasps) For KIDS!? Nibbler!

BENDER: Hehehe- Victorians, huh? Teach 'em young I guess...

NIBBLER: It was NOT what you think! It was a small wooden box with a diorama inside that one could view by looking into it.

BENDER/SCRUFFY: (disappointed) Ah.

AMY: SO...

NIBBLER: Yes, Amy?

AMY: Uh... so 'sweetmeat-boxes'... WHO'S sweet...

NIBBLER: Really, Dr. Wong!?

AMY: (sheepishly) I thought... I... go on.

NIBBLER: (sighs) All right. Continuing... All kinds of boxes; there were trinkets for the elder girls... NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

BENDER/SCRUFFY/AMY: Aww!

NIBBLER: … far brighter than any grown-up gold and jewels; there were baskets and pincushions in all devices; there were guns, swords, and banners; there were...

FRY: Huh, maybe Xmas isn't so different from Christmas- we still have to defend ourselves...

LEELA: Wow, I guess you learn something new about the stupid ages every day.

NIBBLER: (buries his head in the book and mutters) I SWEAR the Other gets dumber every day just being with him... (reading aloud again) … there were witches standing in enchanted rings of pasteboard, to tell fortunes; there...

FRY: Wait! Now I'm confused! I thought this was Christmas, not Halloween!

AMY: Maybe it's one of those 'crossovers' everyone talks about... She wanted to see the other holiday, maybe?

FRY: Oh! Oh! Like Jack in the 'Nightmare Before Christmas'!

LEELA: Nah- I think it was simply a leftover toy they threw in there as a 'filler'...

BENDER: But a witch?

AMY: Depends... (imitates Glenda the good witch from 'The Wizard of Oz') Is she a good witch, or a bad witch?

SCRUFFY: Scruffy wants a NAUGHTY witch... un-huh.

FRY: (looks slyly at Leela) Hey, Leela, You wanna be MY naughty...

LEELA: (grinning) You better finish that with a 'witch', with a 'W'! Or I'll turn you into a quivering bowl of jello!

FRY: (excited) I LIKE it when you turn me into a quivering bowl of jello!

NIBBLER: That... All right. I am a reasonable sentient being. I can admit defeat. (closes the book and sets it back on the table) It has become obvious to me that reading the master's work to the likes of you, is like tossing pearls before swine. I am finished. I can rest assured you shall keep Xmas in your own way. Good evening, all.

Nibbler leaves the room frustrated and puffing on his pipe furiously. As he walks out, Dr. Zoidberg enters...

ZOIDBERG: Oh! A real live BOOK! (He holds it to his chest, as the rest of the crew looks on) I shall cherish it forever! And look! It's Dickens! (he opens the book and starts to read 'A Christmas Carol' out loud, and the PE crew gathers around happily, listening) Stave One- Marley's Ghost... Marley was dead to begin with...

END

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