Futurama

Fan Fiction

'Cheeper' by the Dozen
By dinkdrinker

“FRY! You have got some serious explaining to do, mister!”

Fry winced and dropped his mug on the counter of the kitchen in Planet Express. Going to the sink, he grabbed a sponge and quick mopped up the puddle before Leela came in and chewed him out for the ring of coffee as well as whatever else she was angry at him for. He quickly went over to the frying pan, checked his eggs, and turned around to face Leela.

“Fry, explain THIS, will you!?” Leela held out a small bundle wrapped in a blanket. Moving the top of it aside, he was greeting by a cooing baby... with a shock of red hair, and one large green eye just above a tiny beak.

“Wha-WHAT!?” he jumped back, involuntarily. “Uh, uh....” he stammered.

“It's OBVIOUSLY yours, Fry!” Leela snapped, handing the baby to him.

“But, but Leela!” he whimpered, “It- it looks like it's yours too!”

“Well of COURSE it's mine too, you dingus!” she put her hands on her hips and gave him a dirty glare. “Like I said, you have some explaining to do!”

Holding the infant on his hip, and with his fee hand, sliding the eggs he made for breakfast onto a plate, he quickly tried to think up anything to prove his innocence. Withering under the glare of his woman, he sat down and managed to shove some egg into his mouth while holding onto the wriggling infant. “Leela, I SWEAR I never do anything to you when you're asleep! So you'd KNOW about this one, right? I mean, you carried it in...”

'THAT'S JUST IT. I DIDN'T. I found him crawling in the Professor's lab! Just what did you do with one of my eggs, you disgusting pig?”

“Your... eggs?” he scratched his head. I think my male swimmies have to go into your baby factory to do anything with...”

“NO, YOU DIP-SPIT. Did you forget I lay eggs occasionally!? You sicko! What, the old fashioned way was too boring, so you had to...”

“Whoa! Hold on a second, Leela!” Fry held up his hands defensively. I SWEAR I didn't do anything with your eggs in any shells! I swear on my parents' graves! Besides, I have no idea where you keep your laid eggs!”

“I... I keep them in the fridge for safe keeping.” she said, slightly embarrassed. “No one uses it anymore and...” She was cut short by Fry thrusting the baby into her arms, as he ran to the sink and starting retching.

“OH! OH GOD, NASTY!” Fry spat. He then tried washing the taste out of his mouth by shoving his head under the sink's faucet.

“You... You... Oh LORD, NO.” Leela groaned.

“GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!” The Professor shouted over the intercom. “I've managed to genetically create a human, mutant, avian hybrid!”

Fry and Leela looked at each other with shocked and worried expressions, looked at the baby, then back at each other again.


“Oh, there he is! Thank you for finding him for me, Leela!” The Professor reached out to grab his 'experiment' from Leela, and got his dentures rattled around in his head in return. “Uh-wha?”

“We've been through this before, Professor! My eggs! MY EGGS!” Leela shielded the now crying baby.

“But don't you want to know how I fused your DNA with Fry's and a chicken's?” He was answered by another slap, this time dislodging his chompers and sent them flying across the room.

Sitting down at the conference table, Leela and Fry tried to comfort the now wailing infant. They checked his diaper, adjusted the blanket, rocked him, tried burping him... nothing.

“Maybe he's hungry, Leela.” Fry offered.

“Mmm, yes.” The Professor chimed in after shuffling over to his chair. Try feeding him, Leela.”

“Excuse me! These are for my OWN children, thank you!” she shook her bazooms at the Professor.

“But Leela, he IS our own... uhmmm... sort of...” Fry trailed off.

“Please, make it STOP!” Zoidberg screeched over the infants screaming.

“Oh, Jah, when will it end!?” Hermes plugged his ears.

“Go ahead, Leela, it is for science.” The Professor turned down his hearing aids.

“Uh, Okaaay...” Leela looked around sheepishy at all the men in the room, and turned to Amy. “Amy, a little help here?”

Amy came over and took the baby from Leela as she draped the blanket over her shoulder. Taking the baby back and placing it under the blanket for privacy, she attempted to nurse. The child still screamed, and flailed.

“Uh Professor, you said this would work!” Fry said.

“No, it was a suggestion.” he held up a finger to make a point and smiled.

“But it IS Leela and Fry's baby, it should take to feeding, right Professor?” Amy asked.

“Well, it could...” he scratched his chin in thought. “It IS also part chicken...”

“OW OW OW OW!!!” the baby started moving around like a demon under the blanket, and Leela started freaking out. “Make the little bastard stop! He's SCRATCHING AND PECKING!!!”

A few moments later, the baby was on the floor munching on cracked corn, making contented cheeping and chirping noises. Hermes took great pleasure in hitting Zoidberg with a stick to keep him away from the baby's meal.

“Well, THAT looks easier to handle, huh, Leela?” Amy chuckled.

“Yeah.” Leela answered massaging her sore mammary glands. And it's cute. One can almost forgive the Professor for doing this.” she smirked.

“Oh? Well, then, GOOD NEWS, Leela and Fry!” The Professor wheeled in an incubator, and opened it, letting out eleven more siblings to the first experiment.

“Fry?”

“Yes, Leela?” he answered.

“Do me a favor.”

“Massage yer...”

“No, Later.”

“Aww!” he pouted.

“Watch the children while I go kill your nephew.”

“Now now, let's not get too hasty, Leela.” the Professor threw up his hands defensively and backed away, smiling nervously. “Thanks to you and Fry, I've managed to do something that can help countless trillions across the universe!”

“Cool! Congratulations, Professor!” Fry jumped up and patted him on the back.

“Fry, don't encourage him.” Leela growled as he slunk back to his chair.

“Sorry.”

“Just what did you do this for, Professor?” Amy asked.

“Food consumption.” he licked and smacked his lips.

“Great Cannibal of Hannibal! I don't know if I have papers for that! I had better contact the higher ups on this one!” Hermes bolted out to his office to try and secure the correct files.

“WHAT!?” Leela shrieked. “You, you... sick bastard! You've done some terrible things before, but never this evil!”

“Eh, I don't know, Leela, think of all the starving people around the universe!” Fry shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, they ARE part chicken!”

“Fry! They're also part of ME and part of YOU!”

“So?” Fry asked, shrugging his shoulders, not at all getting the ethics of the situation.

“All right, Sweetie,” Leela got into his face, and bared her teeth in anger. “How would you like it if I started eating YOU, or if you were to eat me...”

“So, nothing different than last ni...” Fry was slapped out of his chair, as Amy spit her coffee out and started laughing.

'Can we PLEASE keep this conversation PG13 for now!? And YOU,” she turned to Amy, “keep your comments to yourself!”

“But just think, extra large chickens with mutant abilities to fight off disease and whatnot.” the Professor tried reasoning with Leela. “The flesh on an adult one of these abominations could feed the average Doop family of four for at least three days!”

“But why did you take MY DNA for it? Certainly there had to be other mutant animal strains to use! And why did you use Fry's...” Leela was cut short by the Professor's chuckling, and nonchalant patting on her back.

“Oh my, I did try almost every mutant DNA strand known. Only your human mutant one worked. And I used Fry's DNA for the lovely color on the combs.”

“Professor,” She narrowed her eye and lowered her voice, “These chick-dren don't have combs! They have HAIR.”

“Uwah?” He picked one up and adjusted his glasses. “Oh, my, you're right, Leela. Oh dear, this is no good. Off to the laboratory with you two then!” He tried herding Leela and Fry off.

“Wait a second, why do we need to go to lab?” Fry asked, confused.

“Why, we need to start over! Hair is no good! No good at all, I'm afraid.”

“NO, PROFESSOR.” She shook his hand off of her and blocked his exit. “We are NOT going to create any MORE life forms with Fry's or my DNA!”

“Killjoy.” The Professor huffed.

“Hey, what are you going to do with all these Fry-chicken?” Amy asked as Leela cringed at her pathetic joke.

“Well,” licking his lips and salivating, he withered under Leela's evil eyed glare. “Uh, I suppose we could bring them somewhere with vast empty spaces where they can roam freely and live out their lives.” He hung his shoulders as Leela and Fry's faces agreed with his idea.


A few hours later, after a phone call, and a trip to Mars to visit the Wong ranch, the Planet Express ship landed near their front porch. Exiting the ship via the cargo hold with their charges in a playpen, the crew was met by an enthusiastic Inez and Leo.

“Oh! Dey cute little bastards!” Leo looked on as Bender opened their pen and started chasing them around, trying to stomp on them.

“Hey! You watch what you do to my new adopted grandchildren!”Inez snapped, as she chased after Bender. “They cute! Unlike ugly green squishy tadpoles!”

“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. Fry and I really appreciate you taking them in and raising them here!” Leela genuinely smiled and shook their hands warmly. “We were afraid they would be eaten or...”

“EATEN!?” Inez blurted out, stepping back. “No way! Dey too damned cute! We wait for tadpoles to mature to have froglegs.” She glared over at her daughter and laughed when she winced.

“Well, thanks again, anyway!” Fry added. “We didn't want them eaten, and there was no way we could raise them, with the space needed!”

“Yeah, thanks, Mom and Dad.” Amy added half heartedly. “We owe you.”

“No, we owe YOU! We now have CUTE grand kids!” Leo laughed as his daughter got angrier. “if dere anyting we can do, you name it!”

“Well...” The Professor rubbed the back of his head, as his employees boarded the ship.


ELEVEN MONTHS LATER...

“Good news! Everyone!” The words shouted made everyone sigh, and trudge off to the conference room. As everyone gathered around, the Professor continued. “Now I know, my last attempt at ending world hunger was not quite the success I wanted it to be, but we all learn from our failures, right?” he chuckled.

“Oh this can't be good, mon.” Hermes lifted his glasses to his forehead and rubbed his eyes.

“Now, first, I attempted with chickens,” the Professor grinned and rubbed his hands excitedly. “But why stop at chickens?”

“Professor, you had BETTER not have used any of...”

“Leela,” he held up a hand to stop her, “I assure you neither your nor Fry's DNA was used...” He then cracked grin. “Oh my no. I used the DNA I received from Leo and Inez's buggalo farm! I then mixed that with Marianne's and Zoidberg's DNA! I call it Farnsworth's Surf and Turf!” A half crab, half buggalo with blonde hair moseyed in, with a bell hanging from it, clanking away. He was greeted by blank stares.

“I'll go get my blernsball bat.” Leela got up.

“I'll hold him.” Fry got out of his chair and went behind his nephew.

“Hubert, dear friend...” Zoidberg narrowed his eyes, and clacked his claws.

“Uuuuh...” Amy got up and made a break for the door.

“Wait for me, woman!” Hermes chased after her.

“Ooh, is THIS gonna be GOOD!” Bender laughed as he lit up a stogie, and turned on his camera.

“Ooooh, my.”

THE END

Buddies