Brick or Treat
By dinkdrinker (with, depending on who you believe, varying levels of assistance from UMBREON and JOE)
SCENE: Planet Express Lounge. It is October 31st, and the crew is getting ready for a night of fun, candy, and maybe a little bit of mischief...
ZOIDBERG: ...Now let me get this straight, there is FREE candy for the taking, and all Zoidberg has to do is dress up? I'M IN!
BENDER: Not so fast, fish breath... you need a costume! Of course, you'll never have a great costume like MINE.
ZOIDBERG: And what does my robut friend Bender have for his tricking and treating costume?
BENDER: Uh... well, I haven't STOLEN it yet, but I'm thinking of maybe a Vampire...
HERMES: (comes in as Blacula) Think again, mon!
BENDER: Uh... how bout a horse! Fry! You'll be my horse's ass, right buddy?
LEELA: Sorry Bender, the two of us are going as a centaur. (Glares at the others when they give her questioning looks)
BENDER: Aw crap! Uh, Bo Peep! I can use parts of my old Gender Bender costume!
AMY: (walks in dressed as Bo Peep) Do it and die, metal man!
BENDER: Aw damn it! This bends the big one! I wanna go as something ugly and hideous, and everyone took all my ideas! Speaking of ugly and hideous, Where'd Dr. Jerksberg go to? (Looks over at the table where candy bags, eggs, toilet paper are piled) Hey, where did all my green spray paint go to?
Suddenly Zoidberg come bursting out of the bathroom- he is spray painted head to toe in green paint.
ZOIDBERG: RRRRRRRRRAAAAAGHHHH!!!! It is I! C'THULU!!!
Everyone shrieks and jumps, then laughs at Zoidberg's idea. Bender just shrieks and drops a brick.
BENDER: Don't do that EVER AGAIN!
FRY: Man, Bender! Zoidberg got you GOOD! You'll NEVER get a costume as scary at THAT!
ZOIDBERG: I have an idea, I do! Bender, my friend... here... (he hands Bender a large bag.)
BENDER: (looks in the bag) Yeeeesh! THAT is hideous!
AMY: What is it, Bender?
BENDER: (holds up one of Zoidberg's shells) I'M GOING AS ZOIDBERG!!!
HERMES: Well that IS hideous! Why don't you kids go and have your fun! When you come back, I'll have my brownies ready for you!
FRY: Can we not go and say we...
HERMES: No, mon! I don't need help! Go, already!
LEELA: You heard the man! No brownies unless we leave! Come on Fry, let's get connected, so to speak, and get to tricking and treating! Are you SURE you'll be all right back there?
FRY: (from inside the centaur costume) Ooooooh, yeeeeeeaah! Everything is FIIIINE! (mutters) REAL FINE...Oh damn...
All RIGHT, Fry, and TRY to keep your hands to... SHRIIIEEEK!!! (Punches the back half of the costume)
LEELA: Touch me AGAIN there, and you will spend the rest of your Halloween in Taco Bellview!
FRY: But... but... it's right THERE... and it's... it's SOOOOOOO...
LEELA: Oh, Lord! Come ON, let's go hit up the Professor! He'd BETTER let us in on that crate of chocolate he had us pick up from Pennsylvania!
Everyone walks into the next room where they see the Professor sleeping in his chair. He is dressed up as Dr. Frankenstein (from Young Frankenstein)
FRY/LEELA/AMY/BENDER/ZOIDBERG: TRICK OR TREAT!!!
PROFESSOR: WHAAA! Uwah!? WHO ARE YOU, and, HOW DID YOU GET IN!?
AMY: Professor! It's us... your employees!
PROFESSOR: LIES! THEY went out to scrounge up some FREE CANDY! (starts poking them with his finglonger) OUT! GET OUT!
FRY: (muffled from the ass end) Does this mean no candy bars?
PROFESSOR: OUT! Before I hit you with my slipper!
BENDER: Geesh! What a friggin' GROUCH!
LEELA: Well, Professor, are you coming with us or not?
PROFESSOR: Oh! Hello, Leegola! Funny seeing you here! Thank you for the offer, but it really is time for my third late afternoon/early evening nap! (immediately falls asleep)
BENDER: (Opens up himself, handing out toilet paper and eggs) Well, We know who the FIRST VICTIM IS! Come on, guys!
Twenty minutes, and eight rolls of toilet paper, and three dozen eggs later...
BENDER: All right! Our work here is done! Next Victim!
Across the street at Family Bros. Pizza...
FRY/LEELA/AMY/BENDER/ZOIDBERG: TRICK OR TREAT!
PAPA CYGNOID: Oh! Looka Momma! Tricking and treaters! Somma for you...
AMY: Oooh! An Andromeda bar!
PAPA CYGNOID: Somma for you...
LEELA: Yes! Jupiter bars! We got my Favorite, Fry!
ZOIDBERG: How about some for ME!?PAPA CYGNOID: OH! MAMA MIA!!! It's C'THULU!!! (throws a candy bar at Zoidberg in fear)
ZOIDBERG: I got an Atmosphere bar! Four! Count them! FOUR flavors! (scarfs it down)
BENDER: Hey! How about throwing something at the greatest one here?...
PAPA CYGNOID: YOOOOOOOOOUUUU!!! OUT! GETTA OUT- NO FREEA FOOD FOR YOU! (throws something hard at Bender and slams the door on them)
LEELA: We got Jupiter bars, Fry!
AMY: I got an Andromeda!
ZOIDBERG: (licking his claws)Ooooh, nom nom nom... Atmosphere bar....
BENDER: (dejected) I got a rock!
AMY: Oh! Neat! A handful of Fairy Stix!
ZOIDBERG: (Licking the rapper) I think it was Supernova candies...
BENDER: Aw, man! Another rock? Zoidberg, what do you DO to these people?
The next few stops...
AMY: Himalaya's Candies! Yummy minty goodness! Whoa, Leela, you look a bit flushed! Are you THAT excited over your Shut-yo-mouth?
LEELA: N-n-nooooooo..... I-it's j-ju-just.... Frrrrrr... FRY! (punches the ass end again)
LEELA: I TOLD YOU NO TOUCHING...
FRY: But I WASN'T touching... there...
LEELA: THAT DOES IT! SWITCH! YOU are up front! At least I can control myself!
FRY: (dejected) Aw, damn it. But I liked the view!
BENDER: Aw, Man! That last rock cracked my costume! If YOU TWO are changing, I am too!
FRY: (now separated) Gee Bender, what are you going to be, though?
BENDER: My FIRST idea at something terrible and hideous... a HUMAN! (opens himself to reveal clothes from everyone that he had previously stolen) (Puts on Amy's sweat pants, Fry's t-shirt, the Professor's lab coat, and Leela's wrist-thingy) There! Come on you two! What's taking so long?
LEELA: (now out of the front part of the costume) yeah, Fry! Come on, you're holding us up!
FRY: Well, it IS kinda hot in the costume, so I kinda don't have pants on... or underwear... or a...
LEELA: SHUT UP! We've heard enough! (drags him into an alley for privacy) Just change quickly will you?
A few awkward moments later...
LEELA: (now in the ass end) Fry, I swear it, if you fart, I will KILL you!
FRY: (now the front of the centaur) Heh heh heh! How's the view, Leela?
LEELA: Can we GO NOW!?
BENDER: Hey! I know the PERFECT place! This old broad gives out HANDFULS of swag!
FRY/LEELA/AMY/BENDER/ZOIDBERG: TRICK OR TREAT!
HATTIE: Oh look! Whatchamajiggers! Trick or Treaters! Some for you...
FRY: JACKPOT, LEELA! We got FIVE Jupiter bars!
HATTIE: Some for you...
ZOIDBERG: (munching) Oh yes... Jupiter bars ARE yummy...
HATTIE: And some for you!
AMY: Awesome! Zblorgat's Originals! The greatest hard candy of all time!
BENDER: Hey? What about ME?
HATTIE: What about you? You don't have a whaddayacallit? A COSTUME!
BENDER: Yes I do! See? I'm a ROBOT!
HATTIE: NO CANDY FOR ROBOTS! (throws another stone at him and slams the door.
BENDER: DAMN IT! THAT DOES IT!!! (pounds on the door)
HATTIE: Yes? Oh it's...
BENDER: (holds one of his bricks) BRICK or treat! Gimme yer BOOZE!
HATTIE: (screams and throws a bottle at Bender, breaking it. Slams door and locks it, turning out the lights)
BENDER: (picking up the broken bits of glass, trying not to cry) Oh, my poor baby! You were such a good vintage! Your death will have not been in vain! (pulls out a straw, and gets down on his hands and knees)
AMY: It's O.K. to cry Bender... and we still have a few hours left to trick and treat!
BENDER: More booze? (wipes his eyes and jumps to his feet) I'm SOO over it! Let's go fleshwads!
BENDER: Lemme adjust my costume... maybe I over did it... (takes out a spare pair of the Professor's glasses and puts them on. Knocks on the door) BRICK OR TREAT!
WERNSTROM: (squints eyes) FARNSWORTH?
BENDER: WERNSTROM!? Oh-oh...
WERNSTROM: FAAAAARNSWOOOOOORTH!!! (pulls out a laser rifle and hits Bender as the rest scatter to safety. Slams the door shut on Bender)
BENDER: (gets up, examining the holes blasted through himself) Ah, man! THAT does it! I quit! I'm gonna go make my OWN candy, with booze! And I'm gonna start the party without you losers! And you guys can forget about those brownies! I'm gonna... (trails off as he walks back toward Planet Express. Everyone looks at each other at the prospect of no brownies...)
LEELA: (from inside the costume) You heard the robot! No brownies? We're done! Besides, I think we did pretty good this year! Besides, I AM getting the munchies...
FRY: (Reaches around with a candy bar) You wanna piece now, Leela? I can hand ya one...
LEELA: NO! The LAST TIME I reached out of the costume 'down here' for some, Amy got EXCITED.
AMY: (blushes) D-did not! I-I just thought I saw something... else... Let's go!
LATER AT PLANET EXPRESS...
The crew is chowing down on brownies, and sipping hot mulled cider.
LEELA: (Now separated from Fry, wearing the bottom half of the costume) All right everyone! Candy trading time! (everyone gathers around in a circle with their candy)
ZOIDBERG: You TRADE candy?
FRY: Well, yeah, if you HAVE any... looks like you ATE all of YOURS, Zoidberg! Too bad!
ZOIDBERG: But... but, friends! I wanna...
AMY: No candy, no trade!
ZOIDBERG: (goes and sulks on the couch) Awwwww, and I was having FUN with FRIENDS...
LEELA: All right Fry, I've started by dividing our candy evenly between the two of us! Sure am glad we got the most!
FRY: Yeah! 'Cause it woulda sucked you not getting any!
LEELA: (rolls eye) All right? Who wants to trade...
BENDER: (dumps the contents of his sack) Mmm MMMM!!!! Rocks! Who wants some rocks?
AMY: No one, Bender! Go away! Nothing to trade, no hanging here!
BENDER: But guys... just LOOK at these rocks! YUM YUM YUUUUUM!!! You guys LOVE rocks, don't ya?
LEELA/FRY/AMY: Go AWAY, Bender!
BENDER: (stomps over to the couch and flops down next to Zoidberg... eyes him..) Hey, crab-man... want some rocks?
ZOIDBERG: (makes 'yummy noises') Rocks, you say? Bender! My good friend!
FRY: (taking a trade from Amy) Thanks, Amy!... ooooooh, Uh, Leela?
LEELA: Yes, Fry?
FRY: You gonna want those Dummies?
LEELA: Fry, NO! You are what you eat! You're NOT getting them!
FRY: Aw, come ON! Dummies are my favorite! I'll let you pick ANYTHING! (Leela just looks at him. Fry pouts) Awww, c'mmon! Just a FEW! I'll trade you for some Jupiter bars! I KNOW those are your favorites!
LEELA: (weakening) Uhhhh, NO. No Fry. No Dummies for you!
FRY: TWO Planet size Jupiter bars for three small Dummies!
LEELA: Uuuuuh, y- NO!
FRY: Augh! All right- THREE Jupiter bars for three small Dummies!
LEELA:... Damnit! Fine! But throw in a handful of Himalaya's candies!
FRY: I'll give you ALL of my Himalaya's for all of your Supernovas. Besides, why do you eat Himalaya's candies?
LEELA: The same reason that Sir Edmund Hillary's head does!- because they're there! (makes the trade)
AMY: Hey guys! (looks at Leela and giggles) Am I allowed to trade more?
AMY: Oooh! Is that a genuine 'Shut-yo-mouth'!? I'll give you ALL of my Andromeda bars for it!
FRY: Sure! (makes the deal) Sucker!
AMY: Sucker, nothing! These are everlasting!
LEELA: Oooh, Jupiter bars!
FRY: uh oh...
LEELA: Amy, you wanna trade your Jupiter bars? I got Fairy Stix! Even one to one?
AMY: Oh, yeaaaah! FAIRY STIX! (trades) Oooooooh, uh, Fry? You hate black licorice, right?
FRY: UGH! YES!
AMY: All my Atmosphere bars for all your black licorice whips!
FRY: Deal! Jackpot for the Fry-man!
LEELA: (whispers) Hey Amy...You like Dummies? I'll give you these 12 rolls of Dummies for just three more Jupiter bars.
AMY: (Glances over at Fry quickly) Uh, sure Leela! Deal... Hey Fry! Here ya go! (gives the Dummies to Fry for his two Fairy stix.)
LEELA: DAMN IT, YOU TWO! (looks at a different candy bar...) What the hell is THIS? 'Margarine-pinky'?
BART SIMPSON: (comes out of nowhere) NO ONE better lay a finger on... AAAAAAAUUGGH.... (The crew throws him through the window into the river)
AMY: Eh, I'll try it for a trade...
PROFESSOR: (comes in, interrupting) Bad news everyone!
LEELA: Don't you mean GOOD news?
PROFESSOR: Oh my no! Bad, terrible news! Halloween is over, and I slept through it! And I didn't give out ONE of those damned candy bars I had you pick up from Hershey, Pennsylvania! Just HOW am I gonna get rid of a CRATE of chocolate!? (The crew just looks at each other, grinning like idiots...)
ZOIDBERG: I think me and my friends can help, Hubert!
THE NEXT MORNING..
Everyone is sick from all the candy... even Zoidberg. Bender got so drunk he ate some rocks and is also feeling under the weather...
PROFESSOR: Good news everyone!
LEELA/FRY/AMY/BENDER/ZOIDBERG: Uuuuuuugh! NO!
LEELA: No offense Professor, but you are NOT gonna get us to make a delivery in our conditions!
FRY: As good as a pilot Leela is, I'd HURL...
AMY: (covers mouth) Spleesh! Don't even SAY it!
PROFESSOR: Oh, did the poor little babies OVER DO IT with their candy and get the collywobbles? Well, you'll be happy to know there are NO deliveries today! The Space Pope has declared 'All Saints Day' a holy day again! Huzzah!
LEELA/FRY/AMY/BENDER/ZOIDBERG: (not very convincing) Yay. Can we go home?
PROFESSOR: Oh my, no! There may be no deliveries, but there IS work to do... (Everyone is now outside) SOME JUVENILE DELINQUENTS trashed Planet Express with rotten eggs, paint, and toilet paper! GET TO WORK! (everyone looks at Bender)
BENDER: Aw damn it! (sighs) I'll go get you guys some antacids and barf bags...