Futurama

Fan Fiction

Behind Closed Doors
By dinkdrinker

SCENE: The Hip Joint- about fifteen minutes before last call, and thirty minutes 'til closing time. People and aliens are in various stages of drunkenness. Many are 'hooking up' with someone, and are not leaving much to one's imagination as to how their night will progress. Bender is sitting in a booth with Leela and Fry, and is 'people/alien watching'. He is also generously insulting the couples he sees...

BENDER: Whoa! Now THERE is proof there's someone for ANYONE... those two are TWO TONS OF FUN! Now I understand where that classic song 'Unskinny Bop' came from! Hahahaha!

LEELA: Bender! That's not very nice- fat, ugly people need love and companionship too.

BENDER: (chugs his beer and belches fire) Sure, one-eye... is that why you've stooped so low?

FRY: (drunk) H-hey! Leela's not FAT!

LEELA: (sighs) He's not calling me fat, Fry. He's insulting my looks.

FRY: (narrows his eyes at Bender) You take that back...

BENDER: (laughs) Oh, she's not fat... she's pretty... pretty ugly! HAHAHAHA! Why else would she stoop to the level of a harlot and throw herself at LOOSERS... like YOU...

FRY: (jumps up suddenly, knocking over the table. He has an empty bottle in his hand and he is brandishing it as a weapon) YOU TAKE THAT BACK. Leela is a LADY.

BENDER: (taken aback) Whoa- easy, skin tube... I was just joking! What's gotten into you? Too many Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters?

FRY: (shaking the bottle threateningly) I said take it back! I love her, and am ready to defend her honor! (He hiccups and burps. Leela jumps up to stop Fry)

BENDER: (snickers) All right... she's a lady... of questionable...

FRY: THA-THAT'S IT! She's ALWAYS a lady! Like the time she... uh... a-and then there's... yeah. Uh...

BENDER: (snarky) Oh, sure. Always a lady. And she just LOVES you, too! Look around coffin stuffer! Everyone here is swapping spit and groping each other. That's human affection, right? Look at them all- making a scene... it's not hard to figure out what everyone here but YOU TWO will be doing when the lights go out here! HAHAHAHA!

LEELA: Bender, you know, not everyone has a blatant disregard for decency in their public displays of affection.

BENDER: Says the Ice Queen. I'm going home with the robo-slut in the corner. At least ONE of the three of us will get lucky! (turns to Fry) Don't bother coming home for at least a couple of hours! (walks off- turns around) I'll keep the light on for ya, looser! (walks away)

LEELA: (sweetly) Let it go, Fry. Come on... they're turning out the lights. Come back to my place, so Bender can catch another virus. Maybe we can go out for some coffee, and you can sober up a little...

FRY: I-I'm sorry, Leela. I just want you to know you're always a lady to me.

LEELA: (kisses his cheek) I know. Thank you. (giggles) Look at that goofy smile!

FRY: What?

LEELA: You! It's so easy for me to make you smile! (takes his hand) Come, my Knight in shining armor! Let's go.

SCENE: The Local Uhop (Universal House of Pancakes). Leela has the waitress constantly filling Fry's mug with coffee, and his glasses of water and orange juice full, trying to keep him hydrated and dull a potential hangover. She also insists he eat all his pancakes to help absorb any alcohol still in his stomach...

LEELA: Come ON, Fry... I really don't want to hear about it tomorrow. Eat.

FRY: (shoves another mouthful in and washes it down with juice) Sorry Leela, (grabs another mouthful, and gulps it down) I know you're doing this because you care. I just wish I could make you proud of me the way I am of you. I acted like an idiot to my best friend...

LEELA: (smiles) I make YOU proud? And I wouldn't worry about Bender. Besides, he has obviously has NO IDEA what we do behind closed doors.

FRY: (grins like an idiot) Mmm, yeah. But he'll catch on eventually. Even as careful as we have been, he'll catch on. And of COURSE you make me proud (pounds his juice)... you are the best Captain around! And you're also a master martial artist... wait... a Mistress of... no, a mast... a mastress, maybe? You're REAL good at beating up people!

LEELA: (laughs) MASTRESS? All right... it's been an hour, and you look like you've sobered up a bit, and haven't blown chunks. I think it's time to relieve our poor waitress. You got the tip?

FRY: Of course- my Dad always had a good one- 'Don't take any wooden nickels!' I never did figure out what that had to do with wait staffs...

LEELA: Fry...

FRY: (opens his wallet) Got it. Well, I suppose I can go home now...

LEELA: I was kind of thinking, maybe you can come back to my place for a while. We can give Bender a little extra time, and WE can have some time alone.

FRY: Sounds great!

LATER...

At Leela's apartment...

LEELA: (breaks a passionate kiss, and gets up for the kitchen) So... while I'm going into the kitchen, ya want coffee? Or are we sick of it after I forced you to sober up?

FRY: (thinks- 'Damn it! Was she winking or blinking!? I have GOT to figure that out!') Uh, yeah, I can have more. (thinks- 'CRAP- coffee coffee! Oh well, she's probably too tired')

LEELA: (hands Fry a steaming mug as the phone rings) Who the hell is calling at this time of night? Let the answering machine pick it up...

BENDER: (on the answering machine) Hey, big boots! You seen Fry? It's safe for him to come home... the 'floozy' was a bust. 'She' was packing more junk in the trunk than ME! Oh well, at least I take comfort in knowing YOU TWO never got lucky either! HAHAHAHAHA!!! (hangs up)

FRY: Well, thanks for the coffee, Leela, I guess I can go home now...

LEELA: (takes Fry's coffee, sits it on an end table and grins) Not so fast, Fry. (she turns around and locks the apartment door for the night) You're staying, and it's bedtime.

FRY: Oh... uh all right. You're probably real tired- you had a long day and, uh... I guess I'll sleep on the couch if ya want me to...

LEELA: (takes out her scrunchie and shakes her hair loose) Oh, I'm not tired. Besides, (kisses Fry) I have a couple of things to do.

FRY: Like what?

LEELA: Well, most importantly- make you happy that you're my man! (playfully grabs him by the collar and drags him toward the bedroom)

FRY: Oh?... OOOH!!! I thought maybe you were too tired...

LEELA: (kisses and cuddles him) I am NEVER to tired for that! Also (grins), we really need to prove Bender wrong! (turns off the lights)

END

Buddies