A Bad Case of the Zapp
CAPTION:NEW! SCRATCH AND SNIFF SCREEN! (Beware Brannigan's Bustier)
Scene: Leela and Fry's apartment. Fry is sitting on the couch, watching TV, drinking a beer, and rocking their daughter to sleep. Suddenly...
LEELA: (Shrieks) FRY!!!
FRY: Busy. Sorry.
LEELA: DAMN IT, FRY!!! (Leela comes into the living room sopping wet, with a bath towel wrapped around her) You PROMISED that the bath tub faucet would be fixed! It's been running for DAYS, and now because of the constant running water, we have no HOT water for bathing!
FRY: Eh, I don't see how that's important...
Fry stops short when he sees Leela give him 'THE LOOK'
LEELA: Do something NOW.
FRY: (still not budging) O.K., O.K.- I'll call the land lord to get right on it...
LEELA: Need I remind you Fry, the reason we live here in this apartment so cheaply, is... A- it is extremely, incredibly old, older than YOU, I might add... and, B- WE OWN THE BUILDING. WE ARE THE LAND LORDS!
FRY: (now trying to get Violet back to sleep) I promise, Leela- I'll get right on it! Nothing will distract... Ooh! Monique and Calculon are having sextuplets! (Fry sits back down as the phone rings)
LEELA: Fry, aren't you going to get that? It's right next to you...
LEELA: Oh for the love of... (answers phone) Kiff! How nice to see you!
KIFF: (embarrassed at seeing Leela in nothing but a little towel) I wish this were a friendly chat, but I'm afraid WE need to talk to you and Fry.
LEELA: (noticing Glab in the background) Oh, NO- what does DOOP need us for now...
GLAB: (Sighs like Kiff) Let's just say, it's confidential, and we need to see you at Planet Express as soon as possible.
FRY: (Putting the baby down) Do we have a choice?
KIFF AND GLAB: No.
Leela and Fry cast glances at one another.
LEELA: Let us get a sitter...
Scene: Planet Express conference room. Fry and Leela are met by Kiff and Glab, as well as the Professor and Hermes.
GLAB: Leela, Fry, thank you for coming. We have discussed with your employer and Central Bureaucracy (gesturing toward the Professor and Hermes) the need of your services in the DOOP once again. Everything is covered, and you will be rewarded handsomely.
FRY: Rewarded? For what?
HERMES: Oh, mon! You're getting' a week's trip to a spa planet for da two of you! You lucky green snakes! I got da papers done for you!
PROFESSOR: Oh my, yes! And I got a nice hefty tax break for volunteering you two!
LEELA: Whoa whoa whoa- wait a minute! You just volunteered us without our consent?
PROFESSOR: Mmmm my, yes... and I do seem to remember a promise made back when we got the space bee honey for the Robo-wops...
Leela and Fry remember the promise, and their shoulders slump.
LEELA: Oh, Lord... what are we doing?
GLAB: Glad to see you volunteer so readily! It seems we need your expertise at search and rescue.
LEELA: (Warily) Who?
KIFF: Zapp Brannigan.
LEELA AND FRY: WHAT!?
FRY: I thought that thingy sucked them, and like, disappeared, and God... and like...
LEELA: (Sigh) Yes, like my husband so eloquently put it- didn't the black hole drag him in?
KIFF: Yes, it did, but (sighs) it seems that 'God' felt that Zapp was better off back with us. Seems HE didn't want him either.
GLAB: Due to the stress induced from the black hole, he and the men were given shore leave. The men chose to all go home for the short period...
KIFF: But you know Zapp... he just HAD to go somewhere 'exotic and erotic'.... The cheap sex planet...
Leela just looks at Glab and Kiff- waiting for the rest of the story...
KIFF: Chlamydia 9.
Leela, the Professor, Hermes, and Kiff are all snickering. Glab rolls her eyes.
FRY: What? I don't get it!
LEELA: (starting to laugh) You'd better not!
Everyone, even Glab, laughs.
GLAB: (wiping eyes) Seriously, we need you two to get him. He's now late- AWOL.
LEELA: WHAT? Are you nuts? That place is one giant S.T.D. on steroids!
PROFESSOR: Yes, yes it is, but look here, Leela... (The professor gets a chart showing all of Leela's vitals, and all of her health records) because of your mutant physiology, you are immune to all the diseases on that planet!
FRY: (finally catching on) Hey wait! Oh NO! S.T.D. doesn't mean 'Super Transient De...'
GLAB: No, Fry, It does not. And because you and Leela are sexually active together (she has Fry's charts open) you have built up immunity to the same diseases over the time you've dated, and have been married. You two are the only two we can send to retrieve him. You need to bring him back here, so we can give him an experimental antidote for most known diseases, and he can get back to work.
LEELA: (face palms) Oh Lord, but why would he go to a place...
KIFF: Let's face it- only General Jackass would go to a planet named that! And he even thought all the men were 'applauding' him! When they heard he was going there, they all started laughing and 'clapping'.
GLAB:We would have thought that planet would have met it's demise from the Mighty V-giny, but even it wanted to steer clear of it. So now HE'S there... and YOU...
LEELA: Yeah, yeah... we know. (glaring at Fry) Great, another annoying dripping faucet to attend to- you heard the 'doophuses'- let's go.
Scene: Deep space. The P.E. Ship is en route to Chlamydia 9.
LEELA: O.K., Fry, we're almost there. It may be a bit of a rough landing, because of all the safety parameters the Professor had to remove to even get the ship close to the planet... Fry, are you even listening?
FRY:(Looking at a book entitled 'Xzloygtl's Anatomy- Book Of Diseases') OH GOD! EWWWW! Look at THIS one, Leela!
LEELA: (Smacking the book from his hands) Stop it! You'll have plenty of time to see all that and more once we land on the damned planet. Now buckle up.
Leela struggles to land the ship, landing it in the only spot on the entire planet showing life- a huge parking lot with pick up stations and trams to bring visitors/victims to an enclosed area.
FRY: Whoa! Look Leela! It's just like Dizney Planet, or the Moon!
LEELA: NO Fry, it is NOT. These people are dying from diseases and still only care about one thing...
FRY: Movies? Games? Food? It's food, yeah! Tell me it's food!
LEELA: (Now losing her patience) FRY, I'm only going to tell you this once...SHUT UP and LISTEN.
Leela emphasizes her last word by stomping her boot, getting Fry's undivided attention.
LEELA: Thank you! Now, this is very important- we can not under ANY circumstances split up! Understand?
FRY: Completely. We can not get split up.
LEELA: GOOD. I have to tell you this because once we get inside, you are going to see all kinds of fun, kinky things to draw you away, but under no circumstances should you do it- do you know why?
FRY: Oh-oh!, I know this one! (Smugly) 'Cause you'll get jealous!
LEELA: (Sighs) Yeah, that too. Now, Glab and the Professor gave us a printout of all of Zapp's favorite, sick things to do, and there are only three that match on this planet- so finding him should be easy.
FRY: Leela! Oh oh oh! (Fry is holding his head)
LEELA: What's the matter honey- another headache with pictures?
FRY: Mmhm! How about we split up! Then we'll only have to look in one and a half places for him!
Leela mumbles something about not believing in divorcing him again, but homicide looking better by the day.
LEELA: O.K. Fry, PLEASE do not leave my side! We're going outside now...
Leela and Fry walk down the front steps, take one look around and... Leela panics...
LEELA: Fry! Hide! Quick!
Once hidden behind the forward landing gear/steps, Leela expresses some concern.
FRY: Whoa!- what's the matter, Leela?
LEELA: Didn't you SEE them? Some of them are so diseased, they had mutated more than some family members of mine! But YOU- you don't even have one sore or mark on you!
FRY: Oh, I thought it was because you didn't want me to see them walking around half naked.
LEELA: Fry! We need to do something about you! You're sticking out like a sore thumb!
FRY: Honest honey! It's only for y... oh wait...
Leela, grinning ear to ear, tries to ignore the comment, and breaks out her makeup kit. A few moments later, Leela and a newly 'diseased' Fry- covered in 'sores', walk around from the back of the steps and get in line to enter the 'park'.
Scene: Chlamydia 9's main street. Fry and Leela are looking at a map of the park.
LEELA: O.K. Fry, our first place to look for the girdled wonder is 500 yards ahead on the right. The next is past that on the left another...
Leela looks to see Fry disappearing into the crowd.
LEELA: DAMN YOU, FRY!!! Now I have to look for that lecherous scumbag by myself! I had better be back up to par with my Kung-fu after having your child!
Scene: The main street of the park again. Leela has checked the three sites off, and a few extras as well with no luck of finding 'The Zapper'. She is starting to feel dirty, and is getting sick of peoples' various forms of advances on her.
LEELA: Well, I sure hope Fry has better luck than I had!
Meanwhile- a crowd has gathered around Fry...
PERSON IN CROWD #1: Hi there, handsome- are you SURE you don't want a good time?
FRY: Uh, yeah- looking for someone...
PERSON IN CROWD #2: I can be her!
FRY: Uh, it's a
PERSON IN CROWD #1: No problem, sweet cheeks! I can be HIM TOO!
PERSON IN CROWD #3: Common, you guys- he must be a newbie! (Pointing at Fry) Look how nervous he is! He's starting to sweat! Let's cut him some slack!
PERSON IN CROWD #4: OOOH! NEWBIE... FRESH MEAT!!!
Person #4 throws them self on top of Fry, knocking him to the ground, and starts covering him in wet, sloppy kisses...
PERSON IN CROWD #4: Hey there sexy- you have something smudged on your face...
Person #4 licks their finger and wipes at the smudge on Fry's face and at his sweat... taking off some of his make-up 'sores'.
PERSON IN CROWD #4: Wait a minute... these sores come right off! You AREN'T sick, are you!?
FRY: Uh, yeah- yeah I am! Really! It's a real dirty disease- that's why it can wash off?
PERSON IN CROWD #2: OH MY GOD- he really IS fresh meat! I got him first!
FRY: No! Honest! I'm diseased! I'm really sick!
PERSON IN CROWD #3: Diseased, huh? RIGHT. LET'S GET HIM, GUYS!!! WHOOO!!!!
FRY: It's from a toilet seat! I swear it!
The Police come to break up the commotion, and upon seeing Fry, decide for his safety, to take him in.
Scene: Chlamydia 9's Jail. Fry is locked in a dark cell.
SHERIFF: Now look boy- ah put you there for your own good! If you aren't in there, they'll come in here and carry you out! And also, Ah've told you a thousand times, it's against our laws to give any information on any of our visitors or inhabitants!
FRY: (screaming) It's IMPORTANT!!!
Fry's yelling wakes up his cell mate, sleeping in the shadows...
ZAPP: Would you please be quiet!? I'm getting my beauty sleep! Oh, it's YOU... Leela's hair pile husband.
Scene: The main street of the park- it is getting dark. Leela is now getting a bit perturbed about no Fry OR Zapp. Suddenly, a scuffle catches her eye...
POLICE OFFICER: Break it up everyone! This may be an 'anything goes' Planet, but if they say no, the answer really is no! Don't make me arrest you all!
LEELA: It's all become so obvious to me now! (walks up to Officer) Excuse me, sir?
POLICE OFFICER: Yes, Madame?
LEELA: (looks sweetly at him... then...) Hi-yah! (breaks his nose)
POLICE OFFICER: You bidz! You broge by doze! You unduh awwest!
LEELA: (sweetly) Thank you!
Scene: The Jail. The officer drops off Leela to the Sheriff, and then runs off for medical attention.
SHERIFF: Now, tell me again- yah WANTED to get arrested to find ah Mr Fry and ah Mr. Brannigan!?
FRY: (Upon hearing Leela) LEELA!!!
LEELA: (sexfully) Fry!
LEELA: (coldly) Zapp.
SHERIFF: You all know each other!? I got me a gang! Ya'll gonna rot here!
LEELA: Now it's not what it seems- I can do something for you...
SHERIFF: Are you trying to bribe or seduce me?
LEELA: Uuuuh, maybe?
FRY: OH GOD, LEELA! NOT AGAIN!
Leela casts a quick glance that kills all of Fry's fears. Then...
SHERIFF: Ah think ah can think o' somethin'...
LEELA: How about this? (whispers in the Sheriff's ear- the Sheriff is obviously liking the suggestion.)
SHERIFF: Whelp, ma'am, count me IN!
The sheriff runs into the next cell, shedding his clothes along the way. Leela follows with a long piece of rope and hand cuffs.
SHERIFF: (O.S.) Oh, ah PROMICE aftah this ah'll drop all charges!
LEELA: (O.S.) O.K., just let me slip out and I'll come back wearing something a little more comfortable!
SHERIFF: YES, MA'AM!
Leela walks to the other cell with the keys in hand. Unlocking the cell, she frees Fry and Zapp.
LEELA: Common guys! Evacuation commences immediately!
Leela, Fry, and Zapp quietly leave the jail, free once again.
SHERIFF: (naked and tied up) Ma'am, ah'm ready! Ma'am? Ma'am?
Scene: The P.E. Ship. Leela is flying back to Earth. Fry and Zapp are on the bridge with her.
ZAPP: ... And then she said NO- she wasn't interested! So I got arrested! Can you imagine her saying NO to the 'Zapper'!?
LEELA: Yes, yes I can.
ZAPP: Now, my little one-eyed love bunny, (shoves a pissed Fry aside roughly) how about a little cuddle and some quality 'sleep time' with the 'Zapper' before I have to return to duty?
LEELA: Gee, you... ahem- sleeping sounds like a WONDERFUL idea!
Zapp leers at Leela unaware of Fry behind him...
LEELA: Oh FRY... a little help, sweetie?
ZAPP: I don't need HIS help!
FRY: (holding a LARGE wrench) Oh, I INSIST!
Fry lifts Zapp's Toupee and...
Zapp collapses in a heap, 'asleep'. Fry flops the hair piece back in place and playfully pats it like an animal.
Scene: The P.E. Ship's bridge. The auto-pilot is engaged, the lights are dimmed, and there is assorted clothes strewn all over. Giggling is heard from the front bench...
LEELA: Ooooooh- FRY!!!! What a BIG WRENCH you have!
Both of them start to laugh uncontrollably.
FRY: AND I know how to use it, too!
ZAPP: (coming to) Uhhh, my head! Hey! What are you two doing there?
Fry's hand comes swinging over the back of the bench with the wrench again, connecting with Zapp's brain-box. He collapses unconscious again.
Scene: Planet Express. Glab is ready to meet them as they land the ship.
GLAB: Leela! Fry! I assume Zapp is coming?
FRY: Yep- no problem at all- comparatively speaking...
Zapp comes down the front steps, a lumpy, bruised, and bloodied mess.
GLAB: What happened!? Look at him!
LEELA: Hey! We got him here for you! You sent US to get him- we GOT him... OUR WAY.
Glab takes Zapp by the arm and administers medicine via a syringe.
ZAPP: (looking at Glab) Oh, hi there beautiful!
GLAB: (blushing) Oh, Uhhhm, Hi! (aside to Leela and Fry) How hard did you hit him?
ZAPP: Can I interest you in a nice dinner at Elzar's, and a movie, MY treat?
GLAB: (pleasantly shocked) T-that'll be nice!
FRY: (handing Glab the wrench) Here- you'll need this.
ZAPP: Of course, we'll both need to freshen up- I can pick you up at- say, around seven?
Zapp and Glab walk off together arm in arm, as Glab tosses the tickets and passes over her shoulder to Leela and Fry. Leela catches them, and smiles at Fry.
Scene: a beautiful, Edenistic paradise. The Spa planet is more beautiful than either one could imagine... however...
FRY: Whoa- Leela! Just because you played Pro Blernsball, doesn't mean you have to scratch like that! Oh... oh no... (Fry starts to scratch)
LEELA: Fry- remind me when we get back to Planet Express, to KILL Hermes! He should have done more research on this planet before filing the paperwork for us!
Leela throws the brochure left for them on their bed in their cabin at Fry.
FRY: (picking up leaflet) Pediculosis P. 13? What does that mean!?
LEELA: It means in one week, I kill Hermes, YOU get the faucet fixed, and we use a medicated shampoo like CRAZY!!!
Leela and Fry go grumbling to their cabin- not seeing a giggling Glab, as she chases a terrified Zapp, both of them naked, off into the sunset...