Futurama

Fan Fiction

Cold Diamonds
By Trenton Sands

Opening Credits Scene:

Futurama

Melts in your gut, not in your brain

Screen: Three Stooges cartoon

 

Scene 1:

The PE Ship is parked in front of a prestigious police office in Botland (formerly Scotland) . Called Botland Yard. It's presided by a police robot who bears a resemblance to URL but with a bagpipe and kilts. Fry, Bender, and Leela walk out of the ship dressed as janitors.

Police Robot: (In a Scottish accent): I've been expecting you janitors!

Fry: Actually, I was hoping...

Leela: (jabbing Fry on the side): What would you like us to do?

Police Robot: You must locate the missing papers!

Bender: Locate the missing papers? This looks like that detective job you were hoping for, skintube!

Fry: All right! A detective mission to locate the missing papers! Whoo!

Police Robot: You will be needing these then! (Hands Fry, Bender, and Leela eletronic pokers.)

 

Scene 2:

Fry, Bender, and Leela were outside the Botland Yard Police Station picking up papers in the grass with the electronic pokers that suck in the papers with a push on a button.

Fry: Some detectives we turned out to be! Locate the missing papers! (Releases the papers on the poker and into a bag.)

Bender: What the hell was the Professor thinking when he sent us on this mission! He must be going senile!

Leela: Okay, you two! That's enough! If you're both done acting childish and actually do a good job, maybe the Police Robot will give us a detective mission!

Bender: If there's one more paper in this yard, it could bite my shiny metal ass! (Sucks up some papers on his poker.)

Leela: (cynically): Uh, Bender. Papers don't have teeth.

Fry: (pointing) Look over there, you guys! Aren't those Mom's sons?

They were Mom's sons Walt, Larry, and Inger. They too were picking up papers with electronic pokers and putting them in a bag. They were clad in leather jackets, t-shirts, with brown and black stains, ripped blue jeans, and hiker boots.

Bender (Levativing his eyes): They ARE Mom's sons! They're copying us, dammit!

Fry, Bender, and Leela take off their janitor suits and underneath were their usual clothes.

Leela: How do you know they're her sons? They could be her boyfriends!

Fry: Let's go see what they're up to!

Leela: Good idea.

Fry, Bender, and Leela stopped what they were doing to confront Walt, Larry, and Inger.

Walt: Well, well. If it isn't the pathetic Planet Express crew!

Inger: We're better than you! (blows raspberry, Walt pushes him over and Inger lands on his knee.)

Fry: Why are you guys copying us? We're on a detective mission, you know! (Winks eye to Leela and Bender.)

Larry: Detective mission?! Big Whoop! We got a job better than you!

Walt: We're on a mission as undercover cops!

Bender: I'll say you're undercover! You're all dressed like you got some Bryan Adams thing going on!

Fry: Bryan Adams! The most influencial rock star of my generation!

Leela: Shut up, Fry! (To Walt) What is your mission?

Walt: We're going to find the Poopenmeyer diamond that's been stolen. Mom wants us to bring it back for her!

Larry: Yeah, also Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla got kidnapped!

Fry: We're on a mission looking for that, too! And the gorilla!

Bender: Let's make a deal, chumps!

Walt: Name it!

Bender: Whoever gets to the diamond and the gorilla last has to be slaves to the winners!

(turns to Fry and Leela) Is that okay, guys?

Leela: Yeah, that's fine! I sure would hate to be their slave!

Fry: Sounds cool to me! At least we'll be on a detective mission! Not that we already are! (laughs nervously) Just a joke!

Fry didn't want to let on that they were actually on a janitorial mission and not a detective one.

Walt: It's a deal! Our prime suspect is that mental case Roberto! He's at the Hip Joint!

Larry! Inger! Get the bag!

Larry: (carrying their bag) We're going to win, so prepare to be our slaves for a month! (Walt slaps Larry).

Leela: Well, we'll just see, won't we? The Hip Joint is our next destination! Get the bag, Bender!

Bender: Get the bag, skintube! I don't feel like it!

Fry: Get the..... (Looks around. Carries the bag filled with the papers they picked up, unbeknownst to Fry the bag had a hole in it and the papers fell out as he ran). LEELA! BENDER! WAIT FOR ME!

Right behind Fry, Inger is running around with a scrape on his knee looking for Walt and Larry.

Inger: (Crying): Wait for me! I've got a big boo boo! (sobs uncontrollably as he ran looking for Walt and Larry.)

 

Scene 3:

Fry, Leela, and Bender got into the PE Ship and zipped across to The Hip Joint only to see a sign that says "No Vacancy The Place is Full!" They look out the window and see Walt, Larry, and Inger interrogating Roberto.

Fry: (Whining): Aww! That got there before we did! Maybe this detective thing wasn't such a good idea after all!

Bender (slapping Fry): Listen, metbag! You're the one who wanted to be a detective! Now you have to follow through with it!

Leela: We'll beat them at they're own game! Luckily I have an evasdropping device on my wristband!

Leela activates the evasdropping on her wristband and listens in on Mom's sons.

Walt (Over wristband): Okay Roberto! Did you steal the Poopenmeyer Diamond?

Larry (Over wristband): Did you kidnap Jack Nicholson's DNA in a gorilla?

Inger (Over wristband): Can you kiss my boo-boo? (Gets slapped by Walt).

Roberto (Mumbling until finally singing like a canary): Yes! Yes! I was in cahoots with the Robot Mafia!

Walt: Where are they now?

Roberto: THEY'RE IN SEATTLE! THEIR HIDEOUT IS THE SEATTLE PARALLEL UNIVERSE NEEDLE!

Fry: All right! We got them! Yes!

Leela: OKay, our next stop is Seattle! Let's go!

Bender stands at the window.

Fry: Bender! Let's go! What're you waiting for? Robonaka?

Bender: I'm waiting for Roberto to flip out! I want to record him for blackmail purposes!

Leela (drags Bender away): I don't know about you, but I don't want to be a slave to those buffoons!

Roberto is then taken away by the security guards. Then Fry, Bender, and Leela go on the PE Ship and head to Seattle.

 

Scene 4:

On top of the Seattle Parallel Universe Needle, The Robot Mafia and their girlfriend Mollbot who looks like Angelene but only is blue with purple hair are all admiring the diamond they stole!

Donbot (Laughs evilly): It was too easy to steal this diamond!

Joey Mousepad: Yeah, all we had to do was blackmail Mayor Poopenmeyer with that video of him dancing with that cheerleader!

Clamps: It was a lot of fun kidnapping a Hollywood actor! And I got to apprehend him with my clamps!

Mollbot: What a hunk of diamond!

Donbot: Cold Diamonds, baby! All we gotta do now is sell this to the black market, get loadsa dough, and run away to the planet Galapogos!

Joey Mousepad goes to check on Jack Nicholson's DNA in a gorilla (JNDNAING) who's being held in a cage in the next room and gives him a tray of food.

Joey Mousepad (taunting): Oh, here you are Jackie ole boy! You want to get your strength, this food is loaded with vitamins and space minerals from other galaxies! We need you for our plans!

Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla slaps the tray out of Joey Mousepad's hands and growls angerly scaring Joey Mousepad away.

 

Scene 5:

Fry, Leela, and Bender were on the top floor od the Seattle Paralel Universe Needle. The Needle outside keeps reappearing and disappearing. The PE Ship was parked at the lot. They were all searching door to door looking for the Robot Mafia's hideout.

Fry: Wow! This place is awesome! It used to be a 'Space' Needle! I wonder what music scene they got now.

Bender: From what I hear there's still Pearl Jam! Now there's Alien Grunge!

Leela: It became a parallel universe needle in 2761 when aliens took over the city with all sorts of buildings, and alien rock bands! (Sees a door) C'mon, this must be where they're hiding!

Leela knocks on the door and the Mollbot answers it. Fry, Bender, and Leela barge in.

Mollbot: What are you doing! What is the meaning of this?

Bender: We're searching for the Poopenmeyer Diamond and The Robot Mafia! (Gets a closer look at Mollbot) I oughta search you, baby!

Mollbot: Robot Mafia? Diamond? I never heard of them, I'm all alone!

Leela: In fact, we're staying here until they come!

Mollbot secretly hides the diamond in a bowl of mints. Leela and Bender sit down and help themselves to the bowl of mints. Fry does the same.

Mollbot (faux sobs): They think I'm lying! I've never been in trouble before!

Leela (To Bender): You know, I don't see Mom's sons anywhere!

Bender: Save it for someone who cares!

Fry chews the mint and puts the next one in his mouth unaware that it's the diamond and tries to chew it.

Fry (muffled): This is hard to chew! Must be a jawbreaker! I swallow it instead! (Swallows).

Mollbot (Screams): NOOOOOOOOOOO! (Faints).

Fry: She's fainted! I wonder why?

Bender: She must have gotten a good look at you, meatwad! It's ME she obviously wants!

Leela: Quick! Get her some alcohol!

Bender takes some alcohol out of his chest compartment and is about to give it to the Mollbot. The Mollbot wakes up and Bender helps himself to the alcohol.

Fry, You, okay?

Mollbot: Yes, it's just that you policemen frighten me so!

Leela: We're not really policemen. We're just on a detective mission to search for the Poopenmeyer Diamond.

Bender: And to save a kidnapped actor! If you ask me, I'm on the wrong side of the law!

Fry: Yeah, and this is our first assignment!

Mollbot (angry): And your last! (slaps Fry, Bender, and Leela across the face all at once.)

Mollbot (calls out): DONBOT! JOEY! CLAMPS!

Donbot (enters the room): And just what is going on here?!

Mollbot: These guys think they're detectives!

Clamps (frustrated): Detectives, eh? (Joey Mousepads hold him back.)

Mollbot: Yes! (pushes Fry) This half-wit swallowed the diamond!

Fry: What? Me? Swallowed? Diamond? I thought it was a jawbreaker!

Mollbot: That last mint was it!

Joey Mousepad (approaches Fry): All, right bub! Cough it up!

Fry tries hard to cough up the diamond, but fails.

Fry (nervous): I think I might have digested it! Heh! Heh!

Leela groans in disgust. Then Donbot has an idea!

Donbot: Then we have no choice! We must operate!

Everybody gasps!

Bender: Cool! Can I watch? (walks up to Fry). Nice knowing you chump! Looks like they're going to cut you open like a dead Neptunian!

Leela: Bender! Don't say that! You gotta have faith that we will get out of this and win!

The Robot Mafia grabs Fry, the Mollbot locks Leela and Bender in a closet. Donbot lays Fry on a table and takes out a dozen knives. Fry screams and begs for mercy!

Donbot: Get outta here, Mollbot! This is no place for a weak harddrive!

Mollbot leaves the room and runs away.

Fry: No! No! Please! Don't operate! I'm too old for operations! I don't have an affodable health insurance plan! Please! Please! Cut it out!

Clamps: Cut it out? That's just what we'll do! (laughs evilly).

Fry was soon tied to the table from his chest down to his knees.

 

Scene 6:

Meanwhile Bender and Leela are locked in a closet trying to get out to save Fry.

Leela: Well this bullets the butterfly wings! We got to get out of here!

Leela suddenly remembered the Professor installing a laser shooter in Bender's finger.

Leela: Bender, do you still have that laser shooter the Professor built in your finger?

Bender (showing his index finger): This one?

Leela: Yes, I need you to drill a hole in the wall to get us out of here and save Fry!

Bender: Awww! I was saving it for the day when I finally kill all humans!

Leela: Bender! This is life and death! What if Mom's sons were too....

Bender (disgusted): Oh, all right!

Bender was mumbling under his breath while he drilled a big hole in the wall of the closet. Once the hole was complete, Bender walked in, only to be in the room with the caged Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla. Bender enters the cage oblivious to the fact that Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla was behind him. Bender bumps into him, that causes the gorilla actor to roar at him.

Bender: AHHHHHHH!

Bender jumps back into the hole he made and bumps into Leela.

Leela: Woah! (falling over then getting up). Bender! What's the matter with you?

Bender (terrified): There was a.... There was a.... There was a......

Leela gave Bender a karate punch to the head which caused his head to spin.

Leela: Look! Are you afraid of going by yourself? (Sarcastically) Okay! I'll take you by the haaaand! Little bot!

Leela takes Bender by the hand and they both walk into the hole. Then Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla roars at both of them.

Leela and Bender: AHHHHHH!

Then Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla went into the hole and broke the door to the closet.

Donbot (hitting Fry with a hammer in the stomach): There! That's where the diamond is!

Clamps: Should I tear him apart with my clamps, sir?

Donbot: In due time. Joey, cut him open!

Joey Mousepad (with a scalpel in his hand): With pleasure!

Fry was still tied to the table. Just when Joey was about to cut Fry with a scalpel, Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla roars from behind them!

Clamps: How did he escape?!

Donbot: Jackie! Bad gorilla! Obey your masters!

Joey Mousepad (jumping): I'll get 'em!

Fry lays on the table helplessly while he witnessed Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla wrestle the Robot Mafia throwing them around the room like rag dolls. Then Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla throws them all out the window and appraoches Fry. He punches Fry in the stomach and out came the diamond!

Fry: Hey, Donbot! How about we talk this over?

Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla roars in Fry's face.

Fry: LEELA! BENDER! HELP!!!

Bender and Leela were in the cage, and Bender doing what he does best, bent the bars and went into the other room. They see Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla sitting on the table untying Fry.

Leela: Fry! Look out for that gorilla!

Bender: That thing belongs in a zoo! Not Hollywood!

Just then Walt, Larry, and Inger barged in the room, still wearing their leather jackets, stained t-shirts, ripped jeans and hiker boots.

Fry: Too late, Mom's sons! Planet Express wins again! WHOO!!! (Holding the diamond).

Bender: Hope your mommy's okay with you being our slves for the next month!

Leela: So, we got here first! We saved Jack Nicholson and got the diamond back! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Walt, Larry, and Inger (bowing): We are not worthy! We are not worthy! We are not worthy!

Fry: Actually, I was the one who saved the diamond! Considering I swallowed it! And I couldn't have done it without my gorilla friend! (Holding the diamond in one hand and patting Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla with the other).

Jack Nicholson's DNA in a Gorilla: I helped!

So, Fry, Bender, and Leela save the day once again! Even though they've ditched their janitor mission for a more worthier cause. As for Walt, Larry, and Inger, they have to be Fry's, Bender's, and Leela's slaves for the next month waiting on them hand and foot.

 

THE END.

Closing Credits.

Buddies