Futurama

Fan Fiction

How Bender Snatched X-Mas
By Rye Guy

The Planet Express crew
All liked X-Mas a lot

But Bender, not programmed to be jolly
Did not

Bender disliked X-Mas, because for some strange reason
He never quite understood the meaning of the season
It could be that his antennae wasn't attached quite right
It could be, perhaps, that his limb links were too tight
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been the fact that he had no heart at all

But,
Whatever the reason,
His antennae or his links,
He stood there on X-Mas Eve, trying to think
Sitting in the conference room with a cigar of brown
He stared at the crew as they returned from downtown
And he knew what Fry was planning also
Fry got some mistletoe and hung it just so

"She'll never kiss you," he snapped with a sneer.
"She will! I can feel it! The time is so near!"
Bender then scoffed, his stubby fingers drumming
"She'll slap your face. It's what you got coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew...

...All the city's people and what-not
Would wake up bright and early. Jump out of their beds and cots!
And then! Oh the mush! Oh the mush! Mush! Mush! Mush!
Emotions he hated! Love and Mush! Mush! Mush!

Then the crew, even Zoidberg, would sit down at noon o'clock
When they'd eat their rare roasted peacock!
And they'd eat! And they'd eat!
And they'd Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
They'd start with the legs and move up to the neck
The thought if the whole thing made Bender go "Yeck!"

And THEN

They'd do something that made him gag
The entire crew, the humans and crab
Would stand close together, jingle bells ringing
They'd stand hand-in-claw, and the crew would start singing

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
And they'd sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
And the more Bender thought, of their out of tune songs
The more Bender thought "This is all just so wrong!
Why for almost five years, I'm fed up with it now!
I Must stop X-Mas from coming!
Right now!"

Then he got an idea
A mischievous idea
Bender
Got a funderful, wonderful idea

"I know just what to do!" Bender laughed maniacally with glee
"I'll take all the gifts and return them later you see
Then they'll all praise me. Say I'm a hero. Famous I'll be."
He scratched his chin as he plotted "I really am great!
Better get started. Can't wait too late!"

As he snuck back home to begin with his planning
He turned on some music and then began singing

You're a great one, Bender
You really are a snap
You're as cuddly as a turtle
You're as charming as a...mud-flap?

"Enough singing!" he ceased. "I need to get to work.
And take all the presents from all those dumb jerks!"

"All I need is a partner..."
Through the window he peered
There was Tinny Tim happy with cheer
"Hey you young lad!" yelled Bender to him
"What is your name?" "Why my name's Tinny Tim."
"Would you like to join me to pillage and loot?"
"What's in it for me?"
"I'll give you this boot."

Then
They packed up some sacks
In Bender's compartment
Then climbed to the roof
Of the Robot Arms apartment

Then Bender said "Let's go!"
As they started on down
To the Planet Express building
Where the crew still hung out

The lights were all off, and white snow filled the air
The crew was all sleeping, to much egg-nog to bare
As Bender went in and began climbing the stairs

In the lounge he saw Fry asleep on the couch
A red hand mark on his cheek, that old Bender crouched
"Told ya," he quipped as he kept right on by
Tinny Tim following not too far behind

Continuing up he quietly snook
In each room he would take a quick look
The conference room has Leela, sound sleep in her chair
Fry's jacket is over he shoulders with care
"Even after all that, he still just keeps on.
He truly does love her; too bad she's a moron.
With just one eye, yet she still can not see
Just how much she really means to he"

Two shiny earrings catch his eye
"Snatchy snatchy!" he plucks with a triumphant cry
"It has begun," he announces on a whim
"What has?" asks Tinny Tim
"Our crime spree!"
"Oh, I see"

He tip-toed and snuck with a grin most unpleasant
Around the whole room, he takes every present
Laser guns! And hover cycles! An all Rush mix tape!
Holoboards! And magnifiers! Even Nibbler's new cape!
And he snatched them in his sack. Then Bender, very nimbly
Shoved the sacks, one by one, up the chimney

He shakunked to the fridge and took the peacock
He took all the booze, even the fridge clock
He cleaned out the room, quick as a bee
Why, that Bender even took their last jar of potpourri

He threw all the loot straight up the chimney with glee
"And now," grinned Bender, "I'll cram up the tree!"

Bender grabbed the tree and started to cram
When he heard a loud curse following a slam
He turned around fast and saw the Professor
He was sleep walking, muttered something about pleasure

Bender had not yet been caught by this old senile fool
He set down the tree and grabbed a stapling tool
With a click and a crack, Bender did it all
He had stapled the Professor by his shirt to the wall

And when the Professor to sleep did succumb
Bender ran to the chimney and crammed the tree up

The last thing he snatched was the switch for their fire
Bender took it all, even the Professor's lengths of wire
And the last drop of booze he left in the attic
Was a drip that was even too small for a Drip Drop-O-Matic

He ransacked the place, took as much as he could carry
Then took to the water on a "borrowed" little fairie
"Bite my shiny metal ass!" he was Bender-ish-ly humming
"They're finding out now that no X-Mas is coming!"
Tinny Tim watched, confused as can be
As to exactly why Bender had done such a deed

It was soon to be dawn, the sun did rise
Inside, Fry cleaned the sleep from his eyes

"They'll be waking up now, and I know just what they'll say.
'What happened? Oh no! What a terrible day!'
Then I'll show up with the gifts that I took
I'll say that I caught and beat up the crook
Then I'll be a hero and they'll all rejoice
I'm so glad now that I made such a choice"

Bender put a hand to his head to hear their cries
He smiled in delight at the thought of tears in their eyes
Then, he did hear a sound coming from the building
The sound wasn't sad; the crew was just singing

He stared through the window
Popping out his eyes
Then he shook
What he saw was a shocking surprise

The Planet Express crew; the humans and crab
Were singing; though out of tune but they still were glad
He hadn't stopped X-Mas from coming
It came!
Somehow or other it came just the same!

And Bender with his foot cuffs creaking the deck
Thought and thought then yelled, "What the heck?
It came without cards! It came without pie!
It came without fruitcake, or stockings! Oh why?"

Through the window he saw the whole crew
Gathered 'round the piano and singing a tune
But what he saw next made him fearfully hiss
For Fry and Leela were starting to kiss
They kissed and they kissed
No mistletoe about
It seems that their feelings had finally come out

He thought for three hours, till his CPU was sore
Then Bender thought of something he hadn't before
"Maybe X-Mas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe X-Mas...perhaps...is a little bit more!"

"NAH!" Bender remarked as he held up a quarter
"Come on Tinny Tim!" He started the motor
So the two went off, out to the sea
But of course they returned rather quickly
For Bender not wanting to miss a beat
Came back with the gifts and the fresh peacock meat

"Ho Ho Ho!" yells Bender as he entered the place
Tinny Tim carried the bags, trying to keep the pace
The whole crew greeted them with open arms
As Bender handed out the gifts, all unharmed

Then they all sat down right at noon o'clock
And himself, Bender, roasted the peacock

 

Merry X-Mas to all from Rye Guy...

Buddies