The Sorrow of Being Kif Kroker, Part 4
By Dwayne Anderson
The next morning, Kif sat on the couch
at Planet Express watching television.
Suddenly, a commercial came on, showing
a blonde woman's head inside a jar.
"Hello," she said, "I'm
the head of Sally Struthers, actress, correspondance school
spokesperson, and blimp. Are you in need of a new career?"
Upon hearing that, Kif began to listen
"Then you'll want to know about
the Sally Struthers Job Retraining Correspondance Courses. Train in
one of dozens of jobs and careers. Here are just a few: Accountant,
Bookkeeper, Janitor, Doctor, Guy who looks important but nobody knows
what he does, Finance Minister, Lawyer, Window Washer, Ferry Boat
Captain, Yes-Man, Handsome guy who chats up all the women in the
office, Legal Aide, Elevator Operator, Apprentice Mechanic, Nephew of
the boss, Paper Clip Counter, Soda Pop Vending machine repairs,
Junior Clerk who annoys people and puts you on hold, Computer
Programmer, Rude Receptionist who doesn't give a damn, and a whole
By now, Kif's head was starting to ache
from all that listening.
"It's real easy to start. All you
need is your grade 6."
Upon hearing that, Kif turned off the
"Just my luck," he said,
"I've never been to school before in my life!"
Back on board the Nimbus, Zapp was
still waiting in his private chamber for a decent replacement for
"No one has come by yet," he
said. "Isn't there anyone stupid enough for this job?"
"Still no one came," he said.
"Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to go straight to Plan
Kif trudges into the meeting room of
Planet Express, covered in powdered cement.
Everyone seated at the table turned to
"Kif?! Is that you?!" asked
Kif glares at her.
"I just said `Is that you?'"
"Oh," said Kif, "I
thought you said statue."
"How did your new job at the
Concrete Factory go?" asked Amy.
"Not good," said Kif.
"Fired again?" asked Fry.
"Yeah," said Kif. "I
need a shower now."
Later, Kif steps out of the shower and
gets dressed. As he leaves the bathroom, he notices an interesting
paper on a bulletin board.
Kif re-enters the meeting room.
"Excuse me," he said, "I
can't help but notice a Help Wanted ad on the bulletin board. What's
"I need an assistant in my lab,"
"Maybe that's the job for you
Kif!" said Amy.
In Farnsworth's lab, the professor
shows everything to Kif, including the Smell-o-scope.
"And one more thing," he
says, "I'd like to show you my newest specimen."
He removes cloth covering a jar. Inside
is a large clam.
"It's a clam," said Kif.
"Not just any old clam," said
Farnsworth. "It's the Tampa Bay Farting Clam."
"It gives off gas every once in a
while," the professor explains. "In fact, the gas it emits
can make an entire building uninhabitable for twelve hours. That's
why I always keep it in a jar. So make sure to never touch the jar.
"Alright. Now, for your first
duty, I want you to start sweeping the floor. Once that's done, dust
the room. Finally, water the plants."
As Farnsworth takes his leave, Kif
begins to sweep the floor.
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is
Suddenly, the door opens.
"Kif Kroker!" a voice booms
Everyone jumps in their seats.
Standing in the doorway is Zapp
"What are you doing here?"
"Where's Kif?!" asked Zapp.
"I thought I would find him here!"
"In the lab," said Fry.
Ignoring Fry, Zapp leaves.
"Why is he here anyway?"
asked Leela. "You don't suppose he's here to take Kif back?"
"I hope so!" said Bender.
"One weirdo working for us is enough! No offense Zoidberg."
"None taken," said Zoidberg.
"Although, I resent the term `weirdo'."
"How about fish face?" asked
Everyone laughs, except Zoidberg.
Meanwhile, in Farnsworth's lab, Kif is
sweeping the floor.
"This brings back so many
memories," he said to himself.
The door opens.
"Kif Kroker!" yells Zapp.
Kif is so startled, he bumps his head
under the table he's under. The jar containing the Tampa Bay Farting
Clam falls over and the lid falls off. Next to it, is a bunsen
"Captain...er, I mean Zapp, what
are you doing here?" asked Kif.
"Kif, you're coming with me!"
"What?" asked Kif as he
"I'm taking you back Kif!"
"But Zapp, I've been discharged!"
"That's already been taken care
of. I've bribed the DOOP president to re-instate you, whether you
like it or not!"
Kif was speechless.
"But didn't you find anyone to
replace me?" he asked.
"Sure I did," said Zapp.
"They're all reliable like you, just not any fun to boss around!
Now put down that broom and let's go!"
Kif then noticed the clam next to the
bunsen burner. He dropped the broom and ran out of the lab as fast as
Zapp chuckled to himself.
"I've still got it!" he said.
Suddenly, the clam opens its shells and
lets out a loud flatuent sound. An instant later, there is an
explosion of natural gas that is heard throughout the building, and
A man walking down the street nearby
"Hark! I hear the cannons roar!"
Everyone else hears the resulting
"What the hell was that?"
"It came from the lab," said
"Oh no!" cried Amy. "Kif's
Suddenly, everyone smells the stench of
"Whoa!" said Leela as she and
everyone else pinches their noses shut. "What is that terrible
"Sorry, it was me!" he said.
He smells himself. "Hold on! That was not me!"
Farnsworth runs into the room.
"We have to get out of the
building now!" he said.
"But what about Kif?!" cries
"And Zapp?" asked Leela. "Oh,
Kif runs into the room. "Professor,
"No time to explain Kif!"
said Farnsworth. "We must get out of here now!"
Later, everyone is outside the
"Zapp is still inside!" said
"He's a goner!" said
No one notices Leela pump her arms up
and down in delight.
Suddenly, the doors open again. Kif
comes out dragging Zapp's body.
"He's out cold!" he said.
"He's looks like he's in terrible
shape," said Amy.
"I must return him to the Nimbus,"
That night, the crew is at a hotel.
They would have to spend the night here, due to the smelly situation
at Planet Express.
The video-phone rings.
"I'll get it!" said Amy.
When she answers the phone, Kif's
picture appears on the monitor. He was back in DOOP uniform.
"Amy, guess what! I'm back in
DOOP! I've got my old job back!"
"Kif that's wonderful!" said
Amy. "Now you can get your life back on track!"
"I finally got my big break!"
said Kif. "No more getting fired from different jobs! In fact,
I'm actually going to get paid for my services!"
As Amy continues to speak with Kif on
the video-phone, Bender sulks and pouts.
"Damn it!" he said. "I
can't believe this happened!"
"I'll say," said Farnsworth.
"When we get back to Planet Express, I'll get rid of that clam!"
"No," said Bender. "I
mean, I bet Zoidberg all the money I took from him that this wouldn't
"Alright, pay up Bender!"
Bender hands Zoidberg the cash.
"Easy come, easy go," he says
"I'm gonna go deposit this back
into my bank account right now," said Zoidberg. He stands and
walks out the door.
"By the way," Amy said, "how
is Zapp doing since that accident?"
"He's fine," said Fry. "That
explosion of natural gas took a lot from him: his trousers, lots of
body hair, his future family, all gone."
Everyone else in the room laughs.
A little later Kif is seated on a chair
next to Zapp's bed where the captain lay.
"It's good to be back captain,"
"Did I say you could rest yet?!"
asked Zapp. "Fluff my pillows and tuck me in! And bring me the
"That's champagne," said Kif
with a smile. It sure was good to have his old job back.
Meanwhile, Zoidberg is on the street
speaking into a payphone.
"Hello operator, can you get me
the police? This is an emergency!"
A few rings later, a voice answers.
"Hello officer, I've just been
robbed. A masked man took all my money and... hello? Is anyone
"There's no one at the station
right now. At the sound of a tone, leave a message. But if you wanna
talk to a real person, press #1 on your touchtone phone."
Zoidberg pushes #1.
"Hello, Criminal Investigation
here. If you are reporting a domestic crime, push #1. If you are
reporting a parking violation, littering offense, or murder, press
#2. If you're reporting a robbery or mugging, push #3."
Zoidberg pushes #3.
"Hello Robbery Division."
"Are you a real person?"
"Of course I'm a real person."
"Finally! Listen, I wanna report a
"But I'm not in at the moment."
"If you need immediate assistance,
press #1 if you witness a robbery, #2 if you're the victim of a
robbery, or if #3 if you are a robber."
Zoidberg pushes #2.
"Hello Robbery Victims."
"I was just robbed," said
"If you were robbed by a man over
six feet, press #1..."