The Sorrow of Being Kif Kroker, Part 3
By Dwayne Anderson
On board the Nimbus, Zapp sat in his
"With Kif gone," he said,
"I'm gonna need a new assistant. Somebody who is reliable and a
lot of fun to boss around."
He stood from his bed. "I must
make an announcement."
"Guys, guys!" said Amy as she
ran into the living room of Planet Express. "Kif just got a new
job! He's a hairdresser!"
"I once saw him use his skills on
a gorilla," said Fry. (See "The Problem With Popplers")
"You should go congratulate him,"
"I will," said Amy.
On board the Nimbus, Zapp makes an
announcement through the intercom.
"Attention all DOOP cadets! There
is a position available for Captain's assistant. All who are
interested, please apply in person. That is all!"
He shuts off the intercom. "There!
Now, let the suckers come forth!"
At the Hairdresser's Clinic, Kif was
washing a customer's hair with shampoo. His new employer watched,
Next, he hung a dryer over his
customer's wet hair. All that was left, was to let the hair dry.
The door to the clinic opened.
"Kif!" says Amy as she comes
Kif looks quite surprised. "Amy,
what are you doing here?"
"I came to congratulate you on
your new job. Congratulation!"
"Why thank you. Now if you don't
mind, Amy, I'd like to get back to work. I did just get my first
customer. And I can't screw up, as my boss is watching."
The smell of smoke suddenly fills the
room. Kif sniffs the air.
"Good god!" he said. "What
smells like burning hair?!"
He turns around, only to see smoke
coming from the dryer hanging over his customer's head.
"Oh no!" he cries.
He dashes forth and lifts the dryer.
His customer, a dazzling blonde, now had black hair.
Upon seeing her new looks, she screams
Kif covers his mouth with his hands.
"Oops," he said.
His boss sees it all. She replaces the
"Hairdresser Wanted" sign in the window.
Later at Planet Express...
"I can't believe it!" said
Kif. "I finally got my dream job, and I get fired within an
"I'm sorry Kif," said Amy.
"It's all my fault for distracting you."
"I won't hold you responsible,"
Around the table, sits the rest of the
crew reading through the "Classifed Ads".
"Hey Kif," said Fry, "do
you have any spare music records you don't listen to anymore?"
"Yeah a few," said Kif.
"Well then listen to this,"
said Fry. He begins to read the ad. "We'll take any unwanted
music records off your hands for cash. Call 1-800-573-8921"
"Give me the paper," said
Kif. "I'm gonna call that number now."
Fry gives Kif the paper. Kif gets up
and walks over to the video-phone. He turns it on and begins to call
the number. Every time he pushes a number, he looks back at the paper
to get the next number. It takes him fifteen seconds to dial the
Finally, someone answers the call.
"Hello, New New York Skeet
Kif quickly turns off the phone.
Back on board the Nimbus, Zapp answers
a knock on the door to his private chamber. A cadet stands outside
"Reporting for duty sir!"
"Excellent!" said Zapp. "Come
on in and I'll get you busy."
A few minutes later...
"Get back to your previous post
"But captain, I did a good job
"Sure you did! You're just not
what I'm looking for! Send in the next applicant on your way out!"
Later, Kif has found another job. He's
now the gatekeeper outside the city.
"Now do you know what to do?"
his new boss asked him.
"I sure do!" said Kif. "I
check each letter and put it in the appropriate mailbox."
"Just one problem Kif. You're not
a mailman, you're the gatekeeper. Your job is to wave through the
cars who pass here to the city. First you stop each car, ask the
driver how long they'll be visiting, or how long it's been since they
left. Now turn on your service light and wave through your first
Kif turns on his service light. He sees
an approaching car.
"Ok! Over here!" he says.
"Come on, come on..."
The cars passes by.
"Bye, have a nice day!" said
The same thing happens for the next
"Kif! What are you doing?"
his boss asks.
"Waving the cars through just like
you asked," said Kif.
"You're supposed to stop the
"Hey that's a great idea! Then
it'll be easier to give them their mail!"
"You're not a mailman! You're the
Gatekeeper! On second thought, you're fired!"
"That's the Fourth job I've lost
today!" he said to himself.
"Four jobs in one day," said
Kif. "First Captain's assistant, then Actor, Hairdresser, and
Gatekeeper. Things just keep getting worse for me!"
"Kif," said Zoidberg, "you
and I will work out just fine!"
"Are there any other jobs
available?" Kif asks the others.
"Telemarketing," said Bender.
"Bender, do you remember when you
tried to make money by making phone surveys last year?" asked
"How much money did you make?"
"How many policemen came to Planet
"How about we all chip in and loan
Kif some money?" asked Leela.
"I would appreciate it," said
Kif. "But I can't take free charity no matter how free it is."
"Even if I do give you all the
money I won in yesterday's monopoly game," said Bender, "I
wouldn't mind. After all, all the money we played with came from
Zoidberg's bank account!"
"It's getting late," said
Leela. "We should call it a day and try to find Kif another job
Later, at Amy's apartment, Kif is
sitting on Amy's bed. Amy has just gotten out of the shower.
"What a day," he said to
himself. "This has got to be the worst day of my life."
Amy suddenly got an idea.
"Oh Kif," she said seducingly
as she walks into the bedroom. Then she removes her pink bathrobe,
revealing herself dressed in black sheer negligee.
Kif's eyes widen.
"Uh Amy, what are you doing?"
But later, when they're in bed
together, Kif suddenly feels a lot better as Amy rubs her near-naked
body beside him.
"This may have been the worst day
of my life," he said to himself, "but this is a night I'll
In another bedroom far away, on board
the Nimbus, Zapp is seated on his bed.
"What a day," he said to
himself. "I just can't seem to find a good replacement for Kif!
Everyone was as equally reliable as him, they just aren't as fun to
boss around! Oh well, there's always tomorrow."
As Zapp lays down for his night-time
rest, he thinks about the past with Kif. All those hours he spent
bossing around the amphibian luitenant seemed now a thing of the
"Dammit!" said Zapp. "If
I can't find a decent replacement, I'll have no choice! I just may
have to take Kif back!"
To Be Continued