The Sorrow of Being Kif Kroker, Part 2
By Dwayne Anderson
Meanwhile, at Planet Express, the crew are playing Monopoly. Instead of play
money, they're playing with real money.
It's Bender's turn. He rolls the dice.
"Lucky seven!" he says as he moves his token around the board, landing on
He takes the top card off the "Chance" pile. It reads "Get out of jail
Bender opens his compartment and places the card inside. "I'll keep this one
for later just in case!"
Suddenly, the phone rang.
"I'll get it" said Leela. She rises from the table and walks to the
Amy's picture appears on the screen.
"Amy, what is wrong?" asked Leela. "You seem upset about something. How was
your date with Kif?"
Meanwhile, Fry rolls the dice.
"Yes! Twelve! That means I get another turn!"
He moves his token, only to land on Bender's Boardwalk with a Hotel.
"That'll be $2000 meatbag" said Bender.
"But I haven't got that kind of money" said Fry.
"Then I guess you're out of the game."
Back at the phone...
"Oh my god!" said Leela.
The next morning, the gang is at DOOP headquarters, sitting in the front
Amy and Kif are seated at a nearby table, with Kif still in handcuffs. The
DOOP president sits at the judge's table. Zapp Brannigan is standing before
"What a beautiful morning for a court-martial, isn't it Kif?" he says.
"This is outrageous!" said Kif. "All I did was simply abandon my post to see
the girl I love! Is that so serious?!"
Zapp ignores him and walks away, turning to face the crowd.
"Members of the court and all witnesses, Luitenant Kif Kroker is charged
desertion and soiling of an officer. And if you were all listening just now,
Kif has just admitted his guilt."
"I did it for love!" said Kif. "How many of you would have done the same?"
Everyone in DOOP raises their hands.
"Put those arms down men!" Zapp shouts.
Everyone in DOOP lowers their hands. Zapp then notices that his arm is
He lowers it as well.
"In DOOP, duty comes before everything else. There are no exceptions. That
the oath we take when we swear our allegiance" said Zapp. "But Kif Kroker
violated that oath. And because of him, the Nimbus plowed into an asteroid
field. Damage is estimated as high as $7."
Amy's co-workers snicker and laugh.
"I'm disappointed in you Kif" said Zapp. "What the hell do I pay you for?!"
Kif is shocked. "Pay?! You're supposed to pay me?! I've never seen a cent
"Well, uh..." Zapp stutters. He notices Bender in the crowd.
"The robot over there stole your money!" he said pointing at Bender.
"Hey!" said Bender, "I stole this money fair and square from Zoidberg!"
"And further more" said Zapp, "because of Kif, I had to take my suit in for
laundry this morning. Which explains why I'm out of uniform."
"Um, Captain" said Kif, "you do realize that you're in your underwear?"
Kif was right. All Zapp had on was a thong and his DOOP boots.
Everyone started laughing.
"Order in the court" said the DOOP president, hammering away on the table
"Has the jury reached a verdict?" asked the DOOP President.
"Yes mame" said a young cadet. "On the charge of desertion, we find Kif..."
"GUILTY!" said all members of the jury.
"And on the charge of soiling the captain, we the jury would have given Kif
twenty bucks each to see him spew!"
"Ahem!" said Zapp.
"Sorry captain. We find Kif..."
The DOOP president hammers on the table.
"Kif Kroker, you are hereby stripped of your rank and dishonorably
discharged. That is all. Everyone dismissed."
"I'll expect you on board the Nimbus later to turn over your uniform and
up!" said Zapp.
"What did I say yesterday about sighing?!" said Zapp.
Later, Kif is Planet Expressed, wearing a casual violet T-shirt, green
and brown shoes. He is seated around the table in the meeting room. He looks
more depressed than he has ever been in his life.
"I've never felt so depressed in all my life" he says.
"Welcome to the club" said Zoidberg.
"Kif, things will work out" said Amy, "you can always get another job."
"You can even work here with us" said Fry.
"Forget it!" said Bender. "One weirdo is enough! No offense Zoidberg."
"Bender!" said Amy.
"It's just not the same" said Kif. "I know Zapp was always pushing me around
and treating me like his slave. But...he was like a father to me. When I
crawled ashore on Amphibios 9, he took me in and raised me like I was his
son. We were a team, even if I did all the work and he took all the credit."
"Kif get over it" said Leela. "You don't need that creep. We've brought to
this meeting with us a copy of the New New York newspaper."
"One dollar at the stand" said Fry. "Eight cents if you subscribe."
He opens up the paper and turns to the "Classified ads". Then suddenly, he
"What's so funny?" asks Leela. She looks at the page Fry is laughing at, and
starts laughing herself.
"What are you guys laughing at?" asked Hermes as he sneaks a look at the
paper. "Oh wait, it's this funny ad!" He begins to read.
"To the owner of a green sky-car with a rusted roof, broken windshield, and
cracked windows, would you please buy a new car for Pete's sake?!"
Soon, everyone is laughing, except Kif.
Amy stops laughing. "Oh, I'm sorry Kif."
Later, Kif is walking through the streets of New New York, his resume in
hand, when he notices a sign in the window of a theatre.
"Actor Wanted. Auditioning Now!"
Kif rubs his hands together. "I could do that!" he said.
He opens the door and walks inside, only to be greeted by a long line of
young and old men and women.
"Yikes" Kif said to himself. "These people must really want this job!"
One by one, everyone took their turn. Apparently, the judge didn't like
Another young man stepped onto the stage, took the microphone, heard the
boom, and then begin to speak his lines with real emotion.
"Hark! I hear the cannons roar!"
"Wow, that was pretty good" said the judges. "There seems to be only one
applicant left. So lets give him a try.
Kif stepped onto the stage and took the microphone.
There was a loud boom.
Kif turns around. "What the hell is that?" he spoke into the microphone.
"You call that acting?!" the judge asked. "I think you are done!"
"Hold on just a minute!" spoke the previous applicant whose talent the judge
seemed to like. "Give him another chance and he'll give you the performance
The judge seemed to understand.
"I think I know who my new actor is!" he said. "You, the green skinned
I want you!"
"Yes!" cheered Kif.
"I mean, I want you off the stage! The applicant before you, if hired!"
Kif groaned and began to trudge out of the theatre.
"Geez, when I am going to get my big break?!"
Kif continued to walk down the street, until he saw another building with
a sign in the window.
"Hey!" says Kif, "I'm skilled in hairdressing! I could do that!"
He walks into the building.
"Meet your new Hairdresser!" he said to the owner.
She removed the sign from the window.
To Be Continued