The Sorrow of Being Kif Kroker
By Dwayne Anderson
In his room on board the Nimbus,
Lieutenant Kif Kroker adjusted his tie. He had a date with Amy.
He stepped out of his room and looked
both ways down the hall for Zapp Brannigan. He was nowhere to be
Kif sighed with relief. Stepping down
the hall towards the docking bay, he would have to hurry. He was to
meet Amy at Elzar's in ten minutes.
Suddenly, a booming voice is heard from
nowhere behind him.
"Hey Kif! Where do you think
It was Zapp Brannigan.
Kif turns to face his captain.
"But captain, I've got a date
"No buts Kif! You've got work to
do! Change back into your uniform! Now!"
Kif sighed and trudges back to his
"While you're at it, bring the
champagin!" said Zapp.
"It's champagne you idiot!"
"What was that Kroker?"
"Uh, nothing captain. Nothing at
all. I'll get the champagin...er champagne. Whatever."
As Kif re-entered his room, two words
left his mouth.
At Elzars, Amy sat at a table in a
beautiful green dress.
"He's late," she said. "Where
could he be?"
"May I take your order?"
Elzar asked her as he stood by her table.
"Fine," she said.
Back on board the Nimbus, in his
private chamber, Zapp drank his champagin... er chamchagne.
"Next time, don't forget the olive
and the tiny umbrella!" he said as he took another sip.
Kif looked at his watch. He was late
for his date.
He sighs and gazes up Zapp's heart
shaped bed. At once, he is reminded of Amy.
At Elzar's, as Amy eats her lobster, she
stares at the empty seat where Kif was to sit.
Everywhere around her, Amy sees happy
couples, young and old, heterosexual, gay, or lesbian.
Everyone had a date, except her.
A silent tear ran out of her right eye.
Back on board the Nimbus, Zapp is
having another glass of champagin...I mean champagne (whatever),
while soaking in the tub. Kif is scrubbing him with a long brush.
"Pour in another capful of Mr.
Bubble!" said Zapp.
Kif sighs and opens the canister.
"And quit sighing!" said
Kif sighs again. "Yes captain."
"Didn't I tell you to stop
Kif sighs again. "Yes."
"Stop that already! And pour in
the fricking Mr. Bubble!"
"I hate my life," Kif says to
Amy finishes her meal, pays Elzar, and
leaves the restaurant.
Outside, she sees a young blonde woman
waiting for someone.
"He's late!" she said.
She turns around and sees Amy. "What?
"Yeah, me too," said Amy. "My
boyfriend never showed up."
"I'm going to wait just one more
minute," the blonde says. "If Leo doesn't show up then, I'm
Amy doesn't reply. She walks down the
street and hails for a taxi.
On board the Nimbus, Kif is standing by
a window on the observation deck. He imagines Amy's face in the
"Amy," he says to himself.
Zapp's booming voice is heard behind
"Kif! Quit daydreaming and get
back to work!"
"Alright already captain," Kif
says with a sigh.
"Enough with the sighing already!"
Kif walks away from the window and
climbs down the ladder.
"Report to the bridge
immediately!" said Zapp. "I'll be in my room taking my
On the bridge, Kif is piloting the
"At this rate, I'll never get to
Little hearts dance around his head.
"And love is in the air."
Something snaps in Kif (not bones cause
he doesn't have any).
"Oh forget it!"
He releases the controls and begins to
dash out of the bridge towards the docking bay.
"I'm coming Amy!"
Amy opens the door to her apartment,
walks in, tosses her purse to the side, and sits down before her
dressing table. She sits down and starts weeping.
In the docking bay of the Nimbus, Kif
steals a ship and commandeers it out into outer space toward Earth.
No one on board the Nimbus even seems
to notice an approaching asteroid field that the Nimbus drifts towards.
Kif lands the shuttle near Elzar's,
climbs out, and runs to the window.
He peers inside, hoping to see Amy.
She's nowhere to be seen.
"Oh no. I'm too late! She's not
Behind him, someone said the exact same
Kif turns around. "What? You?"
"She was supposed to meet me here,"
says the young brown-haired man. "She either left, or stood me
Kif was feeling extremely
uncomfortable. He felt like he had stood Amy up as well.
On board the Nimbus, Zapp was asleep in
his bed, when suddenly, he heard a loud rumble.
He sat up in bed. "What is going
on out there?!"
As Zapp threw on his clothes, the door
to his room opened. Two young cadets come in.
"Captain, the ship has just
entered an asteroid field!"
"It's Kif's problem! He's the one
piloting the ship! Tell him to take evasive action immediately!"
"Uh, well captain... funny you
should mention that. You see, Kif's nowhere to be seen."
The ship rumbles again.
"WHAT!?!" Zapp shouts.
"Somebody who knows how to fly this thing, get it over with! And
where the hell is Kif?!"
Neither of the cadets had a clue.
"Well, I know the last place Kif
would go," said Zapp. "You two, come with me!"
Back at her apartment, Amy is still
weeping. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.
A voice is heard on the other side.
Amy stops weeping.
She stands and walks to the door.
Outside, is Kif.
"Kif?!" cries Amy as she
embraces him. "Where have you been?!"
"I'm sorry Amy," said Kif. "I
was fully intentioning to come, but Zapp Brannigan..."
Amy interupts him. "Say no more.
That explains everything. Now that you're here, everything is OK."
Later Kif pours some champagne (hey, I
got it right!) into two glasses. He gives one to Amy and keeps the
other for himself.
"To us," he said.
He and Amy clang their glasses and
being to drink.
Suddenly, the door bursts open.
"KIF KROKER!" a booming voice
shouts. It's Zapp.
Kif is so surprised, he spits out his
drink. It splatters across Zapp's uniform.
"Captain?" he cries. "What
are you doing here?"
Zapp ignores him.
"Arrest him!" Zapp says,
pointing at Kif.
The two cadets seize Kif and handcuff
"What's going on?" asks Kif.
"You've abandoned your post!"
Zapp said angrily. "You've soiled your captain! And you're so in
love, it's making me sick!"
"But captain..." Kif starts.
"But nothing Kif!" Zapp says
angrily. "Take him away!"
The two cadets escort Kif out.
"Kif!" cries Amy.
"Amy, I'll be fine," Kif
"Don't count on it!" said
Zapp as he shuts the door behind him.
To Be Continued