Fan Fiction

Beat the Parents
By BumbleBeeTheta

(a parody of Meet the Parents)

"And it's your first day at the track.
You feel the heat on your back.
We all want to find a way
to beat the system,
Find some rhythm in the madness.
Get down on your knees and pray.
Say 'I'll do whatever you want, God.
Just let me have my way.'
Well, will you,
Will you?

-"Do You" by Jewel

Scene: Planet Express, late 3004

(The crew exits the PE ship looking very beat up. Think A Flight to Remember.)

Amy: Well, we were nearly killed by space monkeys when Bender burnt the only banana tree down, and once again, Fry got his head stuck in a crater. What else is new?

Fry: What do you mean by 'again'? The last time it happened was, uh...

Bender: Yesterday.

Fry: Funny. I thought it was this morning.

(Leela puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.)

Leela: Aw, it's okay. You just...

All: Thought it would fit.

Fry: (downcast) Yeah. I guess I'm not that intelligent after all.

Leela: But it's your unintelligence that makes you loveable.

Fry: Really? What else do you like about me?

Leela: Well, I love the way you leave notes on the mirror in the morning and how you...(inaudibly whispers something)...at night and...(continues on despite Bender's interuption)

Bender: I'm gettin' outta here before I hear somethin' I don't wanna. And trust me, hearing Leela's turn-ons is worse than 'good news, every-'

Professor: (entering) Good news, everyone!

Bender: Aw, crap.

Amy: What is it?

Professor: What's what?

Amy: (rolling her eyes) The good news.

Professor: I don't remember saying anything about good news... now, it seems that while trying to reconstruct the smell-o-scope, I was really tinkering with the time machine. Thus, it's been perfected.

(Observes them staring blankly.)

Professor: That's the good news.

(Still no repsonse.)

Professor: The time machine works.

All: Ohhh...

Professor: It's now possible to travel back in time to any era. Any era, that is, save for the Clinton years. Nixon thought it unfitting to dwell on the impeached presidents. It's been one hundred years since the trials of impeachment were even spoke of. Oh yes...

Fry: (finally realising what this means) Hey! I could go back to the twenty-first century, right?

Professor: Good luck. You'd need some sort of time machine to do that.

Leela: Uh, professor?

Professor: Now, it seems that I'll need someone to test it out, possibly...

(Mostly everyone seems bored.)

Fry: Ooh, ooh! Pick me! (raises hand)

Professor: Bender, you seem pretty interested in the Stupid Ages.

Fry: No! Pick me!

Amy: (annoyed) Just pick Fry, Professor.

Professor: Fair enough. (to Fry) You'll need to be here by six tomorrow morning. The trip should last approximately one week.

Leela: Are you sure you should go alone? I mean, remember today with the crater?

Fry: Well, why don't you just go with me?

Leela: Well...

Fry: Aw, come on. You'll like it. Plus, you'll get to meet my parents.

Leela: No offense, but I don't think I'm the best choice. They might not... be used to... with the eye and all.

Professor: Actually, in 2003, Earth became populated with both aliens and humans.

Fry: Yeah, we'll just go forward to 2005. My folks'll love you.

Leela: I guess I could go. But what's up with this parents thing anyway?

Fry: Uh... nothing. I just thought, um... you'd wanna see the kind of atmosphere I grew up in. Yeah, that's it.

Scene: Later that night at Apartment 1I.

(In their room, Leela's looking pretty peeved as Fry gushes about his family.)

Fry: And then when I was five, we went to Disneyland and Yancy got lost and I threw a corn dog stick in the bars and broke down Pirates of the Carribean and then my Dad got kicked out for cussing out Mickey Mouse and my mom-

Leela: (annoyed) Can we possibly talk about anything else?

Fry: Uh, okay. Um... did I tell you about when my Mom sent me to bed without dinner, 'cos I didn't pick up her cigarettes and Moon Pies?

Leela: (tired) Yes.

Fry: Really?

Leela: Yes, really. Remember when we went looking for the Needy Newbies?

Fry: Oh yeah. But, seriously, what do you have against my family?

Leela: It's just that you've been talking about your brother and your parents all day long. You say that you had a terrible childhood, and yet, you fondly remember all the times they did stupid things. It doesn't make sense.

Fry: I know. But, I just miss them. You don't understand.

Leela: You're right, I don't understand. Probably because I never had a family! When I here everyone talking about their pesky siblings and idiot parents, I feel so...unloved. Look, I've been alone for as long as I can remember. I was never loved or encouraged by anyone. And, on top of that, guys think of me as just an object. People just drift in and out of your life. They say they care, and then they leave you. That's why I feel so left out. Everyone has somebody to love them and always has. Except me.

(She starts to cry very softly, but continues her musing.)

Leela: But hey, what do I know? I'm sorry. I'll try and warm up to your parents. Maybe then I'll have someone to accept me...

(Fry holds her close.)

Fry: You do have someone.

Leela: Right. Someone cares about Little Nothing Me.

Fry: Yeah. And he's always been right in front of you.

(She realises her mistake.)

Leela: Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it that way.

Fry: It's okay. I mean, it's not a law that we have to feel the same way about each other...

Leela: But you don't understand, I really do care about you.

Fry: As a friend, right?

Leela: No. I've been struggling to tell you this for weeks... but I guess that I kinda, uh, love you.

(He tries to resist smiling.)

Fry: You're just trying to be nice.

(She places both her hands on his shoulders and looks him in the eye.)

Leela: Do you really want to believe that all the nights we spent together and made love were for nothing? You think we moved in together because I was trying to be nice?

Fry: No, I guess not. But...(suave) speaking of making love...

(Leela rolls her eye.)

Leela: Sorry. I plan to sleep tonight.

(He looks downcast.)

Leela: But, we'll always have tomorrow...

Scene: Early the next morning at Planet Express

(Fry and Leela are standing in the Professor's lab, with two suitcases near them.)

Fry: (antsy) Can we go, already?

Leela: Relax. It's not like the past is gonna go anywhere.

(The Professor motions to what looks like a cryo tube.)

Professor: Now, this is the perfected time machine, also known as the reverse cryogenic chamber. Once the year and location are set, you'll have one week to spend in the past. When that time is up, just return to the location you were exited at, and you'll be beamed back. Is all this clear?

Leela: Yes.

Fry: No.

Leela: We get one week and then we have to come back to the same spot.

Fry: Ohhh...

Professor: (handing them each what looks like a cell phone.) This will allow you to communicate with those in the year 3004. If you do need to call, just dial as if you were back here. It has a low battery, though, so you may want to use your minutes sparingly. Now...

(The Professor opens the tube door and turns to them.)

Professor: Off you go.

(Fry and Leela gingerly approach the chamber.)

Fry: (motioning to the tube) Ladies first.

(Leela smiles and rolls her eye, before stepping in and dragging him in after her.)

Professor: Pleasant trip.

(He flips a couple of switches and the year on the tube reads "2005". A flash of light, and Leela and Fry disappear.)

Scene: An alleyway in New York 2005.

(Leela and Fry's yells can be heard as they fall into an open dumpster.)

Leela: (picking garbage off her hair and clothes) Sick.

Fry: (pulling a banana peel off his head) Eh, no different than Yancy's room.

(Leela jumps down and helps Fry out, before retrieving their luggage. She eyes her clothes.)

Leela: Do I look...presentable?

Fry: Yeah. My mom might not like the smell though.

(Leela takes out a small bottle and begins vigorously spraying the perfume.)

Fry: Uh, she doesn't like raspberry either.

Leela: You know, as of now, I don't care. Anything's better than smelling like rotten eggs.

Fry: Um, okay. We should probably find a pay phone. They might wanna know in advance that we're coming.

(They walk along the streets, looking for a phone and observing the different species there.)

Leela: Except for the primitive technology and architecture, this looks pretty much like the year 3004.

Fry: Yeah. It's kind of weird, but this is like a dream come true.

Leela: Falling headfirst into a dumpster?

Fry: No. I just really wanted to go back, and I'm finally here.

Leela: You're not thinking of staying, are you?

Fry: *Sigh* I dunno. Part of me wants to.

Leela: What's the other part saying?

Fry: That I'd be happiest wherever you are.

(Leela smiles at him.)

Leela: That is so sweet.

Fry: Yeah. I heard a guy say it to Drew Barrymore in a movie.

Leela: (mumbling) I knew it was too good to be true.

Fry: (not noticing) Hey! There's a phone booth!

(He walks into the phone booth and dials the number as Leela leans against the side.)

Fry: Hey, Mom... Yeah, it's Phil... Where've I been for five years? Uh... (he covers up the speaker end of the phone and looks expectantly at Leela.) What do I tell her?

Leela: (joking) You were on Saturn.

Fry: (uncovering the speaker, taking her seriously) I was on Saturn...What was I doing there? Um, I got abducted. Or something... Yeah, I'm coming home. But I can only stay for a week... Why? 'Cos, uh, my job only allows one week of absence leave... K, see ya then... Oh, wait! Can I bring someone...? Yes, Mom, it's a girl... I got her WHAT? No, she's just my girlfriend... Goodbye, Mom. Love ya.

(He hangs up the phone.)

Fry: Okay, she said for us to come before noon. Do you wanna get something to eat?

Leela: I'm not that hungry, but I could go for a coffee.

Fry: Great. There's a Starbucks about ten miles from my house.

Scene: Interior of Starbucks.

(They're sitting at a small table, as Fry lectures her.)

Fry: Okay, when he asks if we've had pre-marital relations, say no.

(She rolls her eye.)

Leela: (sarcastic) Yes, Dad.

Fry: Oh, and you can't let him know that we're living together.

Leela: But you lived with Michelle, right?

Fry: Yeah, but they got really mad at me when they found out. So don't say anything, please?

Leela: Look, I know how to make a good impression. I wish you'd lighten up!

Fry: See, that's what always bugs me. I do stupid things, you criticise me. I try to act responsibly, you criticise me. Why do I bother?

Leela: You're not being responsible now. You're telling me how to respond to cover up what you know your parents wouldn't be pleased about. But that aside, I really and truely do love you. I know it's a little late, but it's taken me this long to realise it, and better late than never.

Fry: Yeah, I guess so. I must be over-reacting. Maybe I'm just going all loco 'cos I'm finally back. You know, I've never been happier.

Leela: Why?

Fry: 'Cos way back then, I thought this would never happen. I thought you would only think of me as a friend for as long as I knew you.

(He squeezes her hand and she smiles at him. They share a look. She checks her watch after a moment.)

Leela: We should probably go.

Fry: Yeah.

Scene: NYC streets.

(Despite their best efforts, they can't seem to hail a taxi.)

Fry: Well, we could always take the subway.

Scene: NYC subway. Parody within a parody. Think that one scene in "Save the Last Dance".

(The subway is packed with people. Leela stands up, holding onto a bar, as Fry sits down. At a sharp turn, she loses her grip and falls down into his lap.)

Fry: Hi there.

(She flashes him a smile, knowing that it's an awkward moment. They look into each others' eyes and move in for a kiss. He breaks it when he notices an elderly woman looking disgustedly at them.)

Fry: (whispering) I don't think she's a fan of human-humanoid relationships.

(They steal a quick look at her. He gets a funny gleam in his eyes.)

Fry: I saw this in a movie once.

(He begins passionately frenching Leela. She plays along and makes her grip on him firmer.)

Woman: Oh, for the love of God.

(She turns away from them. They break and begin laughing uncontrollably, as the other passengers stare at them.)

Scene: A beat-up NY neighborhood.

(They are walking up the street to Fry's old house.)

Fry: Okay, you remember all the things I was talking about, right?

Leela: Yes. Just relax. You said that they'd love me.

Fry: They will.

(They walk up the steps and he rings the doorbell.)

Fry: Just be the same girl I fell in love with and you'll be fine.

(The door is opened by Fry's mom.)

Fry: Hey Mom.

Mrs. Fry: Oh my god! Philip!

(She sweeps him up in a hug. Leela just smiles.)

Yancy Sr.: (Now On screen) Hey! It's my failure son.

Fry: Hi Dad.

(Yancy Sr. pats him on the back.)

Yancy Sr.: Your mom said you were bringing some new chick.

Fry: And here she is.

(He shoves Leela up to them.)

Fry: Mom, Dad, this is Toronga Leela, my girlfriend.

Leela: Hi.

(Mrs. Fry takes her hand and shakes it.)

Mrs. Fry: Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you, Toronga. I'm Chandra.

Leela: I go by my last name. Just Leela.

(Yancy Sr. takes her outstretched hand and firmly shakes it.)

Yancy Sr.: I'm Philip's father. I'm sure he's told you all about me.

Leela: Well, he mentioned something about you building a bomb shelter.

Yancy Sr.: Yeah, that's me. And your features must be a nuclear reaction, right?

Leela: Excuse me?

Fry: Dad!

Yancy Sr.: What? I mean, only one eye isn't common. Sure, some people have bad depth perception, but you... whoa.

Leela: (coldly) I'm an alien.

Yancy Sr.: Uh huh. (To Fry) You dumped Michelle for this?

(If looks could kill, Yancy Sr. would be a dead man. Leela's glaring at him major.)

Fry: Uh, Michelle dumped me.

Yancy Sr.: Sure.

(Chandra notices the tension and breaks the ice.)

Chandra: It's probably the seventh inning now. Why don't we go inside?

Leela: (through gritted teeth) Fine by me.

Yancy Sr.: Me too.

(Chandra escorts them into the house. She takes Fry's suitcase and motions to Leela.)

Chandra: If you'll follow me, I'll show you where you'll be staying.

(Both women go up the stairs.)

Chandra: So, what's your sport?

(Fry smiles, knowing they'll get along fine, and turns his attention to his dad.)

Yancy Sr.: How'd you end up with the eyeball?

Fry: Don't call her that. She's the best person in the world.

Yancy Sr.: What? I can't make a comment about a person's distinguishing features?

Fry: All she wants to do is please you. Can't you just let it pass?

Yancy Sr.: Philip, face it. She's the biggest freak since Jim Carrey. Why can't you try dating someone normal, like Michelle?

Fry: I don't base my feelings on appearance. Ever since I met her, I knew that she was the one. It doesn't matter that she's not normal. You don't know how long it took me to convince her that she's beautiful the way she is.

Yancy Sr.: Well, it was a waste of time.

Fry: Just give her a chance. I really like her.

Yancy Sr.: See? You only said 'like'. You obviously don't have such strong feelings for her. So, what's the point of being in a relationship?

Fry: But I do love her! And I am going to propose to her, as soon as you accept her.

Yancy Sr.: Suit yourself. I'll try to be nice. But I'm not guaranteeing anything.

Fry: Thanks, Dad.

(Chandra and Leela come down the stairs to where Yancy Sr. and Fry are.)

Chandra: (happy) Yancy, did you know Leela's a big blernsball fan too?! She said she played it in high school.

Yancy Sr.: (fake) I had no idea.

Fry: (whispering to Leela) How long has blernsball been around?

Leela: (whispering) Since 2003.

Fry: (whispering) Then how could you have played it in high school?

Leela: (whispering) *Pause before answering* Oops.

SFX: Doorbell rings.

Yancy Sr.: I'll get it.

(He opens the door and we see a semi-familiar face.)

Fry: Yancy!

Yancy: Philip!

(Leela, Chandra, and Yancy Sr. smile as they watch the brothers' reunion.)

Fry: God, it's great to see you, Yancy. I mean, five years. Whoa.

Yancy: Same here, Phil. I- (noticing Leela) Oh...

(He breaks off his and Fry's embrace and approaches Leela.)

Yancy: And you must be?

Leela: Toronga Leela, but I go by my last name.

(Yancy kisses her hand.)

Yancy: (suave) Toronga Leela... sounds like the name of a piece by one of our greatest composers. Oliver Messien's monumental work, I believe. If you'll excuse me for saying so, but it pales in comparision to the beauty before me.

(He still holds her hand as she blushes.)

Leela: (flattered) You don't mean that.

Yancy: But I do. Turangalila doesn't stand a chance when compared to Toronga Leela.

(She quietly laughs, almost giggling, because of his flattery. He kisses her hand once again. Fry has been observing all this with hands crossed over his chest, a jealous look on his face. He interupts Yancy, looking into her eye and Leela's infatuous giggling.)

Fry: So, Dad, is Champ still around?

Yancy Sr.: That old mutt? Yeah, he still hangs around this house. We've tried everything to get rid of him.

Fry: Are you kidding? He was a great dog!

Yancy Sr.: Are you kidding, Philip? He rolls over when you tell him to shake.

Fry: But he's so sweet.

Leela: Why don't you go find him? I'm sure he still remembers you.

Yancy: You an animal lover, Leela?

Leela: Always have been. I love dogs and cats especially, though.

Yancy: Well, if you'll allow me to escort you, I believe Champ and Mom's new cat, Lucky are out on the porch.

Fry: Mom got a cat? I thought she hated animals with claws.

Chandra: But Yancy convinced me that they were really quite sweet, so I thought I'd try it out.

Yancy: Yeah, well, studies show that animals help their owners live longer. (Looping his arm under Leela's) Now, shall I show them to you?

Leela: (blushing) Of course.

(Fry becomes upset with Yancy's action, and wraps his arm around Leela's waist.)

Fry: *clears throat* Yancy, if you would let me escort Leela, she is my girlfriend.

Yancy: Of course, she is, Phil. Just like Michelle.

(Fry takes his grip off Leela and pulls Yancy aside, leaving Leela by herself.)

Fry: Lay off, Yancy! Why are you always trying to steal my stuff? I had her first.

Yancy: Oh, so women are property now? I don't see your name written on your... girlfriend. How do I know this isn't some scheme to trick Mom and Dad into thinking you're succeeding in life? But, if she really does "belong" to you, I'll give you double what you paid.

Fry: She's my live-in girlfriend. Just ask her... (realising his mistake) Uh-oh.

Yancy: (slyly) Well, the cat's out of the bag. What're you gonna do now?

Fry: Yancy, if you tell them, I swear, I'll-

Yancy: I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only on one condition.

Fry: Anything!

Yancy: You just sit back and allow Leela to choose between us.

Fry: What?

Yancy: It's obvious that she has to like one of us better. Let her pick which one she wants.

Fry: Fine. But blood is thicker than water.

Yancy: How does that pertain to the situation?

Fry: I dunno. But, I've known her for longer than you.

Yancy: Time matters nothing to love. May the better man win.

Fry: Good.

Yancy: Good.

(Both walk off with smug smiles on their faces.)

Fry/Yancy: She likes me better.

Yancy: (to himself) She can't help but be mesmorised by my refined style.

Fry: (to himself) She likes my unintelligence and the way she's smarter than me.

Fry's mind: Those are the same things.

Fry: (to himself) No, they're not. One means I'm dumb and the other just means she's got a bigger brain than me.

(He turns around, looking for Leela, and sees her outside on the porch with Yancy. This makes him even more upset. She's laughing as a brown mutt dog licks her face and Yancy's holding a tabby kitten and smirking at Fry.)

Fry: (angrily) Yancy...

Scene: The kitchen

(Chandra and Yancy Sr. are talking.)

Chandra: What do you think of her?

Yancy Sr.: What do I think of who?

Chandra: You know, Toronga.

Yancy Sr.: You mean the Crawling Eye? How should I know? The only thing I've heard her say is 'Hello'.

Chandra: No, I meant do you think she likes Philip or Yancy better?

Yancy Sr.: Yancy without a doubt. He's always been the one getting chicks.

Chandra: I guess, but I think she would be better off with Philip.

Yancy Sr.: Why? He's not very deserving.

Chandra: I dunno. It must be intuition.

Yancy Sr.: Personally, I'd like to see both of them end up with someone normal.

Chandra: But she's so sweet. Just give her a chance.

Yancy Sr.: That's what Philip told me.

Chandra: Well, you should.

Yancy Sr.: He's planning to propose to her, you know.

Chandra: (happily) That's great! She'll be the perfect daughter-in-law.

Yancy Sr.: Do you know what you're saying? What about when they have kids?

Chandra: Well, Philip'll have a thing or two to learn, but Toronga strikes me as the motherly type.

Yancy Sr.: That's not what I mean. What about the kids' appearance? You know, with the eye.

Chandra: Oh, Yancy. Be open-minded. I'm sure they'll look fine, even if it's with only one eye. It's probably normal where Toronga lives.

Yancy Sr.: That aside, I still don't like her.

(Chandra sighs, and begins rooting through the fridge for something.)

Chandra: Yancy, we're out of butter.

Yancy Sr.: So? Use margarine.

Chandra: We're out of that too. Can you go down to the store and get some?

Yancy Sr.: Fine. Just let me get the car keys from upstairs.

(He walks out of the room. Chandra grabs a yellow-colored stick and a plastic container from the fridge and dumps them in the trash.)

Chandra: Well, Part One's done. Now we enter Phase Two.

(She walks out to the porch where Yancy, Fry, and Leela are sitting. The first two giving each other dirty looks.)

Chandra: Yancy's going to the store for something. Did you want to go with him, Leela?

Yancy: Mom, Philip can go, can't he?

Fry: Why don't you go with him, Yancy?

Yancy: No, I think Philip really wants to go.

Chandra: I don't remember asking either of you for your opinions. I was talking to Leela.

(All three look at Leela. Chandra's looking expectantly at her. Yancy's shaking his head and winking at her. Fry's giving her a "you-had-better-go" look and nodding at her to accept the offer.)

Leela: Um, I'll go. I need to talk to him, anyway.

Yancy: You know, I need to talk to Dad too.

Fry: Oh yeah. Me too.

Chandra: No, Dad specifically asked for Leela. You can talk to him when he gets back.

(Yancy doesn't say anything, but winks at Leela again. Fry gives him a death glare. Leela notices and shoots him a questioning look.)

Fry: *mouthing* I'll tell you later.

(Leela follows Chandra to the hall where Yancy Sr.'s standing.)

Chandra: Yancy, Toronga-

Leela: Leela.

Chandra: Right, Leela. Anyway, Leela wants to go with you to the store.

Leela: Um, yeah. I need to talk to you about something.

(Yancy Sr. shoots her a scowl. By now Yancy and Fry have come into the hall. Yancy hands her coat to her and Fry puts it on her, scowling at Yancy. Yancy nears her.)

Yancy: (whispering to her) I'll be waiting till you get back.

(She gives him a confused look.)

Leela: (whispering) Um, excuse me?

Fry: (whispering) Don't ask.

(He wraps his arms around her and pulls her into a long, passionate, kiss right in front of Yancy and his parents. Finally, they break. Fry shouts Yancy a triumphant look.)

Leela: (dazed) Uh... bye.

(She grasps his hand for a minute, before going out the door. He and Yancy stare longingly after her.)

Fry/Yancy: (in unison) *SIGH* (looking at each other, angrily) You!

Scene: Yancy Sr. and Leela are sitting silently in the car. They're obviously avoiding any kind of interaction.

Leela: So... you like music?

(Yancy Sr. glowers at her.)

Yancy Sr.: (irritated) Doesn't everybody?

Leela: I guess so. *LONG PAUSE* So, what music groups do you like?

Yancy Sr.: Eh, whatever. Mostly old bands you've probably never heard of.

Leela: Try me.

Yancy Sr.: Well, the Beatles, the Monkees, the Beach Boys. Stuff like that.

Leela: Oh, okay.

Yancy Sr.: (Trying to be nicer) You're welcome to put something on. (points to the glove box) Everything's in there.

(Leela selects a "primitive" looking cassette tape and places it in the player. Within ten seconds, a song can be heard...)

"Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea/and frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee..."

(Yancy Sr. gives her a weird look.)

Yancy Sr.: You picked that song?

Leela: Yeah. It was my favorite when I was a kid. I always imagined having a friend like the dragon in it, because I was so lonely.

Yancy Sr.: You do know what it's about, don't you?

Leela: Of course. It's about the singer's lost childhood.

Yancy Sr.: What planet are you from? It's about drugs.

Leela: What?! No, it's not. It's just about the boy and his dragon.

Yancy Sr.: Hardly. It's about pot. You know, 'puffing the magic dragon'?

Leela: Whatever.

(There's a minute of silence before Yancy Sr. speaks.)

Yancy Sr.: Are you a pothead?

Leela: No! Of course not. Where'd you get that idea?!

Yancy Sr.: Well, when you've got an eye the size of Texas, there must be something wrong with you.

Leela: Can we please drop the subject of the eye?

Yancy Sr.: Whatever. What was it you wanted to talk about with me, anyway?

Leela: Well, see, it's like this. When I first met your son, I thought-

Yancy Sr.: Hold whatever it is you were saying. We're here.

(He parks the car in the parking lot of some grocery store. [I've never been to New York - except Manhatten and NYC - so I wouldn't know what kind of supermarkets they have there.])

Scene: Inside the store

(Yancy Sr. and Leela walk to the automatic doors.)

Yancy Sr.: Okay, I'll get the butter and you meet me here in five minutes. Got it?

Leela: Yes.

(He walks off in one direction and Leela heads the other way.)

Leela's mind: Hmm... now what could I possibly get to prove myself to them?

(She glances at the items on the shelves in the aisle. Something catches her eye.)

Leela's Mind: Champagne! It's thoughtful and Fry told me his parents appreciate fine wine and the like.

(She browses and finally makes her selection. She approaches the cashier at the counter.)

Leela: Excuse me, sir. I'd like to purchase this.

(The clerk is a young looking guy, not disimiliar to the acne kid in The Simpsons.)

Clerk: Uh, I'm gonna need to see some ID, lady.

(Leela panics, knowing that her driver's license has 2975 listed as her birth year. However, she hands it over and prays he doesn't notice. His thumb just barely covers the '29' as he glances at it.)

Clerk: That'll be fifteen bucks, ma'am.

(She hands over a ten and a five. Being a lazy teenager, he doesn't look at the print year and gives her a bag with her purchase and receipt. Once outside, she breathes a sigh of relief. She settles down to wait for Yancy Sr. and spies him talking to a shady-looking young man in a trench coat. Not wanting him to find out that she's seen him, Leela grabs a magazine off the rack nearby and thrusts it up to her face. Yancy Sr. approaches her.)

Yancy Sr.: Been waiting long?

Leela: Oh! Uh, no.

Yancy Sr.: Whatcha reading?

Leela: Um, this.

(He eyes it and looks strangely at her. She gets a good look at the magazine, and covers her mouth, embarrassed. It happens to be a maternity magazine, and shows some too "tasteful" for primetime pictures of a woman in labor.)

Yancy Sr.: What are you? Gay and you 'didn't feel comfortable buying normal pornography'?!

Leela: No! I'm just... preparing myself for something a couple years from now.

Yancy Sr.: You mean you're gonna find someone, get married, and have kids in two years? Ha!

Leela: I have found someone.

Yancy Sr.: (roaring with laughter) You mean Philip? Fat chance. He goes through women like they're cans of Pepsi. He's never content to stay with one person.

Leela: But, I do mean him. And we've been together for over a year.

Yancy Sr.: Okay, yeah. Say you do end up marrying him. There's an extremely slim possibility that he'll be willing to have children. He won't commit. He's like our president from six years ago.

Leela: Well, then I'll just have to persuade him.

Yancy Sr.: You're a stubborn one, Toronga.

Leela: (annoyed) Leela.

Scene: That night in the dinning room.

(Everyone is seated around the table. Leela is cautiously eating the spaghetti on her plate, but begins to chew faster when she sees Chandra smiling at her. Small crunching sounds can be heard, as each person bites into the noodles, save for Chandra.)

Fry: Uh, Mom? Is this fully cooked?

Chandra: Of course, Philip. Don't you like it?

Fry: Yeah, it's, uh, great.

Yancy: (blinking more than usual, in Leela's direction) So Leela, do you cook?

Leela: Sort of. I'm not the best.

Yancy: Nonsense. You're probably just being modest.

Fry: She's great. I would know.

Yancy: (slyly) And how would you know this to be true?

(All eyes are on him.)

Fry: Um, 'cos she... always brings muffins and junk to work in the morning... Yeah! That's it!

Chandra: I'm sure you could give me a pointer or two on baking. Would you mind whipping us up a batch, later this week?

Leela: Um, sure.

(Everyone eats quietly for a moment. Finally Yancy Sr. breaks the ice.)

Yancy Sr.: So Philip, Toronga tells me you've been together for over a year.

Fry: Yeah.

Yancy Sr.: Knocked combat boots yet?

Chandra: Yancy!

Yancy Sr.: What? She told me today that she's planning to have kids. And, we all know what that means...

Yancy: Philip, if you'll forgive me for saying this, isn't the least bit fatherly. Plus, he always despised little kids.

Fry: No, I didn't! They're just annoying.

Yancy: I, on the other hand, adore children.

Fry: Yeah, well, so do I now. In fact, I had planned to talk to Leela about it.

Yancy Sr.: Ah, so now we get into the physical aspect...

Leela: (Trying to change the subject) You know what? I'm gonna go get that champagne.

Fry: Good idea. I'll go with you.

(Both get up from their seats and go into the kitchen. Once out of earshot, Leela turns to him.)

Leela: (obviously happy) You never told me that you really did want to go ahead and... you know... have kids. I can't believe it! I thought you were against it! (She happily embraces him.)

Fry's mind: He still is.

Leela: (cont.) This is absolutely the most wonderful day in my life!

Fry: Um, yeah. Me too.

(She notices his unenthusiasm and releases her grip on him.)

Leela: You just said that to get back at Yancy, didn't you?

Fry: Yes... I mean, no. I mean, I don't know. I'm just confused.

Leela: (angry) What is there to be confused about? You must hold some opinion.

Fry: *Breathes deeply* I just don't think we should get ourselves into this kind of situation. I mean, it's a really big step.

Leela: And one you're not willing to take.

Fry: I didn't say that. If that's what you really want, I don't have any choice but to go ahead with it.

Leela: (sincere) It means more than anything else to me. And, I really do want to have a baby, but I don't want it to be with someone who didn't want a child to begin with. I'd rather it be with a person who's as equally devoted as I am.

Fry: What are you saying? You want to just end everything here?

Leela: No. At least, not yet. But look, let's not focus on this right now. It's a detail we can wait on. We're not even in a relationship where we'd have the right enviroment for a child to grow up in. Trust me, if we really wanted this, we'd wait til we're more committed.

Fry: You mean married?

Leela: Well, that'd be the best situation.

Fry: 'Cos I was gonna-

Yancy Sr.: (OS) We're dying of old age here!

Fry: Just a sec.

(He opens the fridge as Leela grabs the bottle and they exit.)

Yancy Sr.: Took you long enough.

Yancy: Yeah, and what was all that squalling about?

Fry: Nothing.

Yancy: Could it be the perfect relationship is failing?

Leela: (to Chandra as she gazes at a vase on the mantel, and tries to change the subject again) That vase is so pretty. You know, roses would look beautiful in it.

(She shakes the bottle as Fry leans over to tell her something.)

Fry: (whispering) It's not a vase. It's the ashes of "Minuteman Yancy Fry". He's some distant ancestor from America's early days.

Leela: (seeing her mistake and still shaking the bottle) Oh my god! I had no idea!

(Needless to say, the liquid in the bottle is now fizzing and bubbling violently. In her shock, Leela shakes it a tad hard and the top bursts off, nailing the urn head-on. It topples off the shelf and breaks instantly upon impact with the floor.)

Leela: (horrified) Oh, oh, oh...

(Yancy Sr. gasps. Chandra jumps from her chair. Leela, Fry, and Yancy just stare open-mouthed. Lucky, who has been scratching the kitchen door to use the litter box, spies the pile of sand-like substance and immediately prances over and squats down.)

Yancy Sr.: (lunging at Lucky) You stupid, little...

Leela: (covering her face with her hands) Crap.

Scene: Much later that night in Fry's room.

Leela: (OS, in the adjoining bathroom) You have no idea how it feels to be somewhere foreign to you, have your boyfriend's brother hitting on you, and have all your hopes for a major part of a relationship destroyed in the same day. I just...

Fry: (sitting on the bed) Feel so alone?

Leela: (poking her head out of the bathroom) Yeah.

Fry: I know how that feels. Well, except for the boyfriend's brother part.

Leela: (realising) That's right... Geez, you must feel lonely 24/7.

Fry: Naw. S'okay. At least I've got friends.

Leela: I can tell you're happy to be back home.

Fry: Yeah. It's great to see everyone again.

Leela: Which of your parents do you think you're closer to?

Fry: Definately my mom. I mean, she wasn't the best mother you could have, but you could tell she cared about me and Yancy. She made the best of our situation.

Leela: (laying on her stomach on the bed, wearing her pink nightgown, with Fry sitting at the foot) That's how I want to be someday...

Fry: Hmm?

Leela: Well, you know, when I, you know...

Fry: What?

Leela: Um...(softly) have kids...

(She sits up next to him and looks him right in the eye. He looks at her.)

Fry: That's what you really want, isn't it?

(She nods solemnly, her eye cast down at the floor. He grins and wraps his arms around her waist.)

Fry: (suave) Well, you know the easiest way to do that is...

(She looks almost shocked at his behavior, as he pulls her toward him, but smiles at him when she relaxes into his embrace. Within a matter of seconds, both are laying in that position on the bed...)

SFX: Knocking on the door.

(They glance at each other, before Leela gets up and opens the door. It's Yancy Sr.)

Leela: Um, hi.

Yancy Sr.: Just tellin' you that your room's downstairs.

Leela: Oh, okay.

Yancy Sr.: (pointing at her shoulder) (quietly) Your, uh, strap is *ahem* almost down to your elbow.

Leela: (blushing furiously) Oh! Oh God, sorry. (She quickly adjusts it) Let me just get my stuff.

(She goes into the room quickly and grabs her bag.)

Leela: 'Night, Fry. (She kisses his cheek, before leaving the room.)

(Once the door is closed, Yancy Sr. turns to her as they go down the hall.)

Yancy Sr.: Now, it's obvious that you've had premarital sex with my son- (Leela goes completely red)

Yancy Sr.: (cont) But as this is my house, I'd prefer it if you'd not this week.

Leela: (still red) Of course.

Yancy Sr.: Make sure he doesn't... let the rabbit out of the hat. Got it?

(Leela nods, extremely embarrassed.)

Yancy Sr.: Good.

(He leads her to a room adjoined to the "bomb shelter". There's a small cot with several blankets and a pillow on it, in the middle of the room.)

Yancy Sr.: It's not Buckingham Palace, but at least you've got somewhere to sleep.

Leela's mind: And what was so bad about sleeping in the other room? I mean, we don't... stay up late at night... every night. Well, at least I don't think so.

Yancy Sr.: Okay?

Leela: Yeah. Great.

Yancy Sr.: Oh, and you'll be getting up early 'cos Phil's best friend is tying the knot. But, don't tell him that; we're trying to surprise him.

Leela: But I'm not getting-

Yancy Sr.: Not you, Eyeball. His best, best friend. Joel.

Leela: (fake) Oh, of course. Why on earth would I think it was me?

(Yancy Sr. shoots her a weird look before heading up the stairs.)

Yancy Sr.: Well, see you bright and early tomorrow.

Leela's mind: Don't remind me.

(She sits down on the cot and opens her bag, once Yancy Sr. goes up the stairs. She pulls out several items of clothing, most of them identical copies of her usual attire, and sticks them in a raggedy chest of drawers. Finally, she takes out a formal-looking pale gown, which she packed just in case. It's a little peachy color, strapless, and somewhat short. Leela's put it on a hanger, to make sure it doesn't wrinkle, and the only spot availible for hanging the dress is a long pipe on the ceiling. She has to stand on the chest of drawers to reach it. The chest is very wobbly, and it shakes as she places the dress on the pipe. As she stands on the chest, she hears some sounds coming from the vent by the pipe...)

Chandra: (OS) You need to just try and accept it, Yancy. Your son isn't going to change his mind about her.

TV announcer: (OS) And here comes the pitch-

Chandra: (yelling at the screen, OS) Swing the freakin' bat, Smitty!

TV announcer: (OS) It's a homer!

Chandra: Yes! (reverting back to her sweet self, OS) As I was saying, he loves her and he's not going to give her up.

Yancy Sr.: (OS) Fine. Whatever. Let him throw his life away for some one-eyed bit--.

(Leela hears the remark and frowns, hurt and angry. She looses her balance on the chest and falls off, hitting the floor with a loud thump. She scrambles onto the cot, praying they didn't hear her. As she lays on the uncomfortable "bed", Leela flops on her side and faces the "bomb shelter". Since she knows she won't be getting any sleep that night, she gets up and wanders into the adjoining room.)

Scene: The famous Yancy Sr. "bomb shelter".

(Inside the room are several basic things: a washer and dryer, a folded-up ping pong table, a box marked "Phil's Stuff", and of course, the Ronco recond vault. Leela smiles to herself as she recalls the last time she was here. On the wall near the washer, are several iron bars in the wall, which serve as a ladder of sorts. Leela can see another room the ladder reaches to, and being naturally curious, she climbs up to peek in.)

Scene: Yancy Sr.'s secret room.

(Inside is a rather large wooden desk, littered with papers and photos. Leela glances at the papers. They seem to be important documents, and some are in other languages and writing. She notices one written in a completely alien dialogue. It's filled with squiggles, curves, dots, and zig-zags. Thinking back to her high school days, she can vaguely remember the basics of this language. She carefully reads the title at the top.)

Leela: (quietly) "Operation: Island".

(She reads the first sentance aloud.)

Leela: (quietly) "On the first Sunday of the month of October, initiate plan by taking Joel Adkins and Colleen Fitzpatrick onto-"

(She drops the paper when she hears a noise behind her. Leela turns around, but sees nothing. Convinced she's just imagining things, but to make sure that no one catches her reading the paper, she sticks the document in ahem the 'top' part of her nightgown. She focuses her attention on a strange-looking machine in front of her.)

Leela: (smiling and rolling her eye, quietly) A polygraph machine...

Yancy: (OS) Ever seen a lie detector before?

(Leela whirls around to see Yancy Sr. leaning against the door frame.)

Leela: (surprised) I didn't see you.

Yancy Sr.: I asked if you'd ever seen a polygraph machine.

Leela: No. Only in the movies. I hear they're unreliable.

Yancy Sr.: Actually, they're very accurate. I'll hook you up to it if you like.

Leela: No, that's okay. I think I'll just go to bed.

Yancy Sr.: Aw, c'mon. It'll be fun. You don't have anything to hide, do you?

Leela: (rushed) No! Of course not.

Yancy Sr.: Why don't you give it a go, then? It only takes ten minutes.

(Leela reluctantly allows herself to be connected to the lie detector, and sits down in a chair next to Yancy Sr.)

Yancy Sr.: Alright. I'll ask you a question, and you just answer truthfully. Got it?

Leela: Uh huh. (obviously afraid he'll ask some touchy question.)

Yancy Sr.: Is your name Toronga Leela?

Leela: Yes.

(Needless to say, the needle moves in a straight path.)

Yancy Sr.: Did we eat spaghetti for dinner?

Leela: Yes.

(Still in a straight path.)

Yancy Sr.: Did Chandra leave it undercooked?

Leela: *PAUSE* No.

(The needle strays a bit.)

Leela: (hurridly) It was a tad crunchy.

(The needle moves closer to its original path. Yancy Sr. gives her a Look.)

Yancy Sr.: Have you had pre-marital relations with my son?

(Leela hesitates.)

Leela: (finally and quietly) Yes.

(Straight path still.)

Yancy Sr.: Heh, his own girlfriend is willing to admit it. Anyway... have you ever viewed pornographic material?

Leela: (annoyed) No.

(Straight path.)

Yancy Sr.: Well, so far, so good. Now, did you read any of the documents in this room without my knowledge?

(Leela freezes up. She's unsure of how to answer.)

Yancy Sr.: Did you hear me?

(She still just sits there, unable to answer.)

Leela: Well, I...

Yancy Sr.: Yes?

Leela: Um... no.

(Close-up of her face, as she perspires while looking intently at the polygraph. Close-up of Yancy Sr. doing the same, his teeth gritted. The needle doesn't move.)

Chandra: (OS) Yancy! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

(Both look up to see Chandra with the polygraph cord in her hand, scowling.)

Yancy Sr.: But Chandra-

Chandra: No buts! You have no right to hook Toronga up to that machine like a crook!

(Leela folds her hands up and mouths "Thank you" to her. Chandra smiles.)

Yancy Sr.: I didn't force her to.

Chandra: (sarcastic) Sure. She just begged for you to stick that mechanical glove thing on her hand and judge her like a piece of meat. (angry) And on top of that, you force her to sleep down in this stinking basement! (kindly to Leela) You can sleep in Yancy's room. I don't think he'll mind.

Leela: No, really. It's fine. I don't mind sleeping down here.

Chandra: I insist. Get your stuff. I'll go talk to Yancy.

(She flashes Leela a smile, but frowns at Yancy Sr. before leaving the room. Leela's about to go get her bag when Yancy Sr. says something to her.)

Yancy Sr.: You lucked out, Toronga. But I've got my eye on you.

Leela: (muttering) It's Leela.

Scene: Outside Yancy's room.

(Leela knocks on the door, her other hand holding her bag. Yancy groggily opens it.)

Yancy: (drowsy, in a white shirt and plaid pajama bottoms) Yeah?

Leela: Um, hi.

Yancy: (now awake) Oh! Hey. (suave) What brings you to my neck of the woods?

Leela: Didn't Chandra talk to you?

Yancy: (still suave) No. But Mom's not the person I wanted to speak with.

Leela: (annoyed) Look. Can you just drop the whole flirting thing? I am in a committed relationship, you know.

Yancy: (somewhat struck down) Yeah. Sorry... was there something important Mom wanted me to know?

Leela: Well...

(Chandra comes walking down the hall.)

Chandra: Yancy, you're sleeping in the basement.

Yancy: (disbelieving) What? You're kicking me out of my own room?

Chandra: Yes. It's one of the perks of being a mother. Now, move it. Toronga needs a place to sleep.

Leela: (smiling) Leela.

Chandra: Did I do it again? I'm sorry. I am terrible at names, Leela.

Leela: It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.

Chandra: Well, it's late. G'night you two.

Leela: G'night.

Yancy: 'Night, Mom.

(Chandra walks to her room, leaving Yancy and Leela alone.)

Yancy: Here. (Moves out of the doorway) Come on in.

(Leela nervously walks in. Yancy shuts the door behind her. She spins around to face him.)

Leela: I'm really sorry about whole ordeal. It wasn't my idea.

Yancy: No, that's okay. I can always room with Phil. *PAUSE* So, how come you're not sleeping with your, uh, (finger quote) "boyfriend"?

Leela: Oh, your dad didn't like the idea of the two of us... in the same bed... in his house.

Yancy: That's understandable. But, seriously, how did you end up with Philip?

Leela: Well, my friend, Amy finally convinced me to go out with him, and the rest is history.

Yancy: If you don't mind me asking, what exactly do you see in him?

Leela: (smiling) He's the sweetest guy I know. I swear, there isn't a day he fails to make me laugh. And he's got this boyish charm that I can't resist. You wouldn't believe some of the cute things he does.

Yancy: Really?

Leela: Like how everyday, when I get out of the shower, he leaves me little notes on the mirror. I wish I'd found him sooner.

Yancy: You really love him, don't you?

Leela: Yeah. I do. (Saddened) But I don't know how long it'll last.

Yancy: Why do you say that?

Leela: We've hit a road block. I mean, we both want really different things.

Yancy: Yeah? Let me guess. It's the topic at dinner that the two of you were arguing about in the kitchen?

Leela: You heard?

Yancy: (sheepish) I was kind of eavesdropping.

Leela: Oh. *SIGH* I'm not sure if we should just break it off right now, or wait a while.

Yancy: Just do whatever you think is best.

Leela: (murmuring) I wish I knew what that was...

Yancy: (grabbing a pillow) Well, I'm gonna go invade Phil's room. G'night.

Leela: Yeah. G'night.

(She just sits on the bed, looking down at nothing in particular. Yancy sighs as he watches her and closes the door, all the more determined to win her over.)

Scene: Later that night in Yancy's(Leela's?) room.

(A small lamp is still on. Leela's sitting up on the bed, her back against the wall, and a quilt wrapped around her. She's just kind of staring blankly, thinking of her partner's actions and feelings. And, who should walk in but her significant other...)

Fry: (coming in the door) Hey.

Leela: (coming out of her trance-like state) Hi.

(Fry gets up onto the bed and sits next to Leela.)

Fry: So, what up?

Leela: Just thinking...

Fry: Yeah. I've been doing a lot of that too. *EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG PAUSE* (Getting an idea. Really? He can do that? Tell me honestly.) I wanna show you something.

(He gets up and pulls a big book off Yancy's shelf and sits back on the bed.)

Leela: What is it?

Fry: See for yourself.

(Leela opens the book up to see that it's an album. Inside are assorted pictures of Fry and Yancy as little kids. She goes through it, each page making her frown more. Finally, she slams the book shut and shoots Fry a hurt look.)

Leela: (angry) You honestly think showing me what I'll never have is going to cheer me up? Let me tell you something, you were way off!

Fry: Who says you'll never have that kind of life?

Leela: Gee, I dunno. Maybe both your dad and brother.

Fry: Dad just said it 'cos he wants to discourage you, and I don't remember Yancy saying anything. Did he tell you that just a while ago? I think I need to have a talk with him.(makes a fist with one hand)

Leela: He didn't say it. He implied it. But, I know it won't.

Fry: How can you be so sure?

Leela: Because you're the only one I want to spend my life with. And, I happen to want kids and you don't.

(He wraps his arm around her shoulder.)

Fry: (comforting) People change, you know. I did.

Leela: Yeah. Fat chance. I think we all know that- (realizing what he's just said) You did? Why? How? You mean it?

Fry: Of course.

Leela: (Just the least bit happy. ;)) Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! I can't believe it! I've been waiting for this moment all my life! (hugging and kissing him) You're the sweetest man in the entire world! I love you!

Fry: (smiling broadly) So I noticed.

Leela: (Happily) You just don't know how much this means to me! I mean... me... you... us... kids!

Fry: There's only one little, teensy, problem.

Leela: What is it?

Fry: My dad's kind of close-minded about the whole idea.

Leela: Why?

Fry: He thinks they'll look weird... with the eye and all.

Leela: Who cares? It's not like he'll know anyway. I mean, he won't see us after this week.

(Fry sighs.)

Leela: You really want to stay, don't you?

(Fry nods solemnly.)

Fry: I mean, it's great in the future and all. But, I'm really at home here. Back there, I have nothing to remind me of my family or the life I had here. I just feel so discouraged and alone back there.

Leela: You're forgetting that I know what it's like to be alone. We're both lonely in the future, but we have each other. We might as well be family. That's what we've become to each other.

Fry: (joking) Ew... looks like I've been sleeping with a family member.

Leela: (playfully) Shut up!

(She hits him over the head with her pillow. This begins a massive pillow fight, and as the two playfully make advances on one another, they become entangled in that position again. His hands moving a bit farther than she's comfortable with, she intervenes. He gives her a confused look.)

Fry: What's wrong?

Leela: Nothing. But I promised your dad we wouldn't... you know... for the rest of the week.

Fry: So what? It's not like he'd know.

Leela: Please. I want to try and follow his ground rules. I'll have a better chance of winning him over that way.

Fry: I guess you're right. Okay... Well, Yancy's probably already ratting on me. G'night.

Leela: G'night.

(Fry starts heading towards the door, but turns around in his tracks.)

Fry: Leela?

Leela: (looking up from the photo album she's holding) Hmm?

Fry: (smiling) I love you.

(He walks out the door, Leela watching and smiling to herself.)

Leela: (to herself) I love you too...

Scene: The next morning.

(Close-up of Leela's face as she sleeps.)

Leela: (her eye closed, dreamily) How does 'Marion' sound...?

(Close-up as a brown mutt dog licks Leela's face. She reels back, almost winces, and opens her eye to see Champ and Yancy Sr. right in front of her.)

Leela: (sleepily) What? Oh, g'morning.

Yancy Sr.: Morning, Depth Perception. Who's Marion?

Leela: Marion is... the name of... my cat.

Yancy Sr.: (grabbing her hand) Say that again.

Leela: (confused) My cat's name is Marion.

(Yancy Sr. lets go and glares at her.)

Yancy Sr.: That's a lie.

Leela: (disbelieving) What? How did you know?

Yancy Sr.: Call it a lucky guess. Anyway, breakfast's in five minutes, so you might wanna get out of bed.

Leela: Thanks for the heads-up.

Yancy Sr.: So, still keen on the whole kids idea?

Leela: Of course. I don't change my mind very easily.

Yancy Sr.: You won't be so enthusiastic when you do, should that ever happen.

Leela: Excuse me?

Yancy Sr.: Enjoy not being tied down by family, while you can.

Leela: Why would I enjoy being alone? I just want someone to love who'll love me back.

Yancy Sr.: What about Phil?

Leela: He's the first.

Yancy Sr.: But do you love him back?

Leela: What does it matter to you? It's not like you're accepting me anyway.

Yancy Sr.: Maybe I am; maybe I'm not. But either way, you're gonna hafta prove yourself. (He heads toward the door with Champ at his heels) And be downstairs in five minutes.

(He promptly leaves the room and shuts the door.)

Scene: The dining room.

(Gathered at the table are five people, with two empty chairs. Leela comes and sits down between Fry and Yancy. Fry embraces and kisses her quickly, shooting smirks in Yancy's direction all the while. Sitting in the next two chairs are a man and a woman. The man has chestnut brown hair and neutral colored clothes. The woman has blond-orange hair, with a pale lavendar long-sleeve shirt and khakis on.)

Fry: (to Leela, motioning to the man) Leela, this is my best friend Joel (motioning to the woman) and his fiancée Colleen.

Colleen: (smiling brightly) Nice to meet you, Leela.

Leela: (smiling) Same here.

Joel: How do you do?

(Leela gets a good look at him, and just gapes for a few seconds.)

Joel: Is something wrong?

Leela: (out of her silent state) Oh... no. You just look a lot like someone I know.

Fry: You mean Adlai?

(Leela nods.)

Colleen: (repeating him) Adlai. Hmm... that's a really nice name, isn't it, Joel? Ooh! I have an idea! We could name our first kid Adlai! And he could name his son Adlai and so on! Isn't that great?

Joel: Great? Heck, it's acceptably traditional.

(Leela covers her face with her hands.)

Fry: What?

Leela: (whispering, embarrassed) If what Colleen just proposed happened, that means that I've dated someone related to your best friend.

Fry: (whispering) So?

Leela: (whispering) Doesn't that seem kind of odd?

Fry: (whispering) I guess. It's like you were dating my best friend and then me. Wow. That is weird.

Leela: (whispering) How did he become your best friend, anyway? I mean, it can't be personality-related, can it?

Fry: (whispering) I think it was 'cos he tricked Rusty Steele into giving me my Garbage Pail Kids card collection back. He kind of made him feel bad for taking them in the first place. The funny thing was, Joel had been envious of my cards for the longest time. He had always tried to take them beforehand. But Yancy kept beating him up whenever he did.

Leela: (whispering) That's really scary. Just the same way Adlai always made fun of me, and then at the last orphanarium reunion, he fixed it so no one made fun of me... Joel's definately related to Adlai.

(Chandra comes out of the kitchen, carrying a big platter of pancakes.)

Chandra: I hope everyone's hungry, 'cos I made a triple batch.

(She plops about six pancakes down on everyone's plate. They're all oozing with sticky syrup. Leela looks at her plate and feels ready to puke, because of all the syrup. Fry immediately begins shoveling his food into his mouth.)

Fry: (with a full mouth) You make the best pancakes, Mom.

Chandra: Thank you, Philip. But swallow your food before you talk.

Leela: (quietly and almost jealous) I thought mine were the best.

Fry: (swallowing) Yours are the best in the future. Mom's are the best here.

Leela: But mine are the best overall, right?

Fry; Yeah. Of course. (He notices Leela cautiously eying her plate.) Don't worry, Mom's pancakes are better than her spaghetti. Try 'em.

(Leela gingerly takes a bite.)

Leela's mind: Hmm... they're better than mine. I should get her recipe. Maybe then I'll have something to remind him of the twenty-first century.

Yancy Sr.: So, Joel, Collen: Got everything sorted out for the wedding?

Joel: Of course.

Colleen: No. (Everyone looks up from their food and stares at her.)... We're missing a bridesmaid.

Yancy Sr.: Why not just use Leela?

Leela: But we're only here for a week.

Yancy Sr.: Oh, no problem. The wedding's in a couple of days.

Joel: He's right.

Colleen: Oh! That'd be perfect! My friend's tied up with family affairs in Oregon. I was afraid we'd have to make do with only the maid of honor. Thank you so much!

Leela: (unsure) Um, sure.

Colleen: We'll go pick up your dress and Phil's tux before we go to Michelle's.

(Fry, who's been sipping orange juice, spits it out when he hears Colleen's comment and starts coughing.)

Leela: (not noticing Fry) Hmm... Michelle. That name sounds familiar. I just can't put my finger on who she is. Do you remember her, Fry?

Fry: (fake) Michelle? No. (quiet) Except for my old girlfriend.

Leela: What did you say? (realising) Oh, that's right. Michelle was your old (glaring at Fry) live-in girlfriend.

(Chandra sits up and grabs everyone's plates.)

Chandra: Well, let's get ready to go. The sooner we're ready, the sooner we'll leave.

Scene: Trillian's, a big department store, in the formal section.

(Leela's wearing a white, halter-style dress, and gazing at her reflection in the triple, full length mirrors around her.)

Leela's mind: I always wanted to wear a white dress like this, but not as the bridesmaid. As though that would happen.

(She sighs. Fry joins her in front of the mirrors.)

Fry: Wow. That dress looks great on you.

Leela: (smiling) Thanks. (She looks at his tux, which is an exact duplicate of the one in Time Keeps On Slippin'.) Who knew you looked that good in a tuxedo?

Fry: I know. I kind of like it though.

(Leela sighs again, and imagines herself in the same dress, with a veil and a bouquet, standing next to Fry in the tux.)

Leela's mind: Naw. No matter how much you want it, it's not gonna happen.

(Mirror changes back to reality. Fry sighs and imagines the same thing.)

Fry's mind: Who am I kidding? She'd never say yes.

(Mirror changes back to normal and both sigh.)

Scene: In the car, driving down a road next to a river.

(Yancy Sr., Chandra, Fry, and Leela are in one car. Fry looks confused with the route.)

Fry: Uh, Dad? I thought we were going to Michelle's.

Yancy Sr.: We are, Phil.

Fry: But-

Chandra: We're going to Michelle's new house. She's married now, you know.

(A very elaborate, fancy, mansion-like house comes into view.)

Fry: (amazed) Holy...

(Yancy Sr. pulls the car into the large driveway, along with Joel in the other car with Yancy and Colleen. Everyone piles out and comes up the steps to where Michelle's standing and smiling.)

Michelle: Rich couldn't make it. You know how hard it is to get him home from Harvard. I don't know what it is this time. You'd almost think someone was keeping him captive there. (She laughs a little) But, come on in. I thought we'd eat first, then go swimming.

(Everyone follows her in and through an enormous hall and living room. Chandra, Yancy Sr., Joel, Colleen, and Yancy go off to change. Leela and Fry stay behind with Michelle.)

Michelle: Fry, it's great that you found someone else. I was afraid that you were depressed about our break-up.

Fry: Well, I was kind of upset at first. But, then I met Leela and life's never been the same since. (He smiles at Leela and she smiles back.)

Michelle: So how long have you been together?

Leela: (rushed) We just had our one-year anniversary five months ago. And, how long were you and Fry together, hmm?

Michelle: A little over a year. He proposed to me on our first anniversary.

(Leela looks, hurt and angry, at a sheepish Fry behind her. She glares at him.)

Michelle: (hurridly) Of course, I turned him down. I thought we hadn't been together long enough.

Fry: You know, I'm gonna go change. See you soon... uh, sweetie. (He moves in to kiss Leela on the cheek, but she pulls him into full-throttle kiss to make a lasting impression on Michelle. Fry walks out, a little dazed and confused.)

Michelle: So, any marriage plans in the near future?

Leela: No. I'd really like to, but I don't think he's up to it.

Michelle: You should let him know that you're thinking about it. He won't propose, unless he knows that it's a top priority for you.

Leela: Well, on second thoughts, I think he is considering it. I mean, last night we settled our dispute about having kids.

Michelle: (fake) Oh. How... nice for you.

Leela: I'm sure you and Rich have talked about it.

Michelle: No, not really. I'm not that interested in having kids, anyway. They'll just limit what I can do.

Leela: I guess.

(Long pause.)

Michelle: Well, we should probably head down to the pool. The water's really warm today.

Leela: Um, I think I'll pass. I don't have a suit anyway.

Michelle: Why don't you just borrow one of mine?

Leela: No, that's okay.

Michelle: Aw, c'mon. I just bought a new one. Never been worn.

Leela: Well, okay.

(She soon regrets saying yes.)

Scene: By the pool.

(Close-up of Leela's blushing face as she walks out of the dressing room to meet everyone by the pool. Shot of Fry and Yancy seeing her and drooling, a la A Fishful of Dollars. Fry, being a lot more noticeable. Leela walks over to him and we see that she must be wearing Michelle's skimpiest bikini. It's similiar to the outfit in the centerfold of the Y2Kalendar, minus the boots and cape, except it's made out of fabric, not metal. Obviously.)

Leela: (sheepish) Does it look okay?

Fry: (still drooling) Yeah. It reminds me of Return of the Jedi, for some reason. Maybe 'cos of Leia's outfit or something. I mean, it's got the gold color, and the emphasis on her-I mean your, well...(He starts giggling like he did about the Liu-bot in I Dated A Robot.)

Michelle: (wearing a modest teal swimsuit) I set up the volleyball net. Anyone interested in a game?

Scene: Volleyball in the pool.

(Various shots are shown of everyone hitting the ball back and forth, save for Leela. No one ever gives her the chance to hit it. Colleen, Michelle, Yancy, and Fry are on one team. Yancy Sr., Chandra, Joel, and Leela are on the other. In one shot, Michelle jumps up and smacks the ball down into the opposite court. Fry high-fives her.)

Fry: You've still got it, Space Angel!

Michelle: No doubt about it, Poppin' Fresh!

(Leela shoots Michelle a jealous look. She joins her teammates in a huddle.)

Yancy Sr.: Okay, we're gonna need someone to spike it. Any volunteers?

Leela: I'll do it.

Yancy Sr.: Are you sure, Toronga?

Leela: It's Leela, and yes. I've only played this game thirteen-million times.

(They break. The next shot is the ball being passed to Leela. She jumps up and slams it down... right in Yancy's face. His nose starts bleeding badly, and despite everyone's efforts to help him, he refuses and gets out of the water himself. Leela covers her face with her hands again.)

Yancy Sr.: Nice one, Eyeball.

(Leela sighs)

Scene: Later, back at the Fry house.

(Leela's pacing back and forth in her/Yancy's room, still fuming at herself and Fry for the events earlier that day. Fry comes in.)

Fry: Hey. What up?

Leela: (sarcastic) Not much... Poppin' Fresh.

Fry: (confused) What?

Leela: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm sorry. Is Space Angel the only one who can call you by that name, Poppin' Fresh?

Fry: You're mad at me, aren't you?

Leela: (sarcastic) Geez, you think? You never told me about how close you and Michelle were! For all I knew, it had only a physical aspect! I can't believe that you actually proposed to her! How do you think that makes me feel?!

Fry: Aw, c'mon. Lighten up. I was just a stupid kid.

Leela: (angry) Yeah. I see that now.

Fry: Well, why are you so mad at me for something that happened six years ago? You don't see me blowing up at you for going out with Adlai. Or when you were gonna marry Alkazar. I was the one who saved you, remember?

Leela: (softly) Yeah...

Fry: I could sit here naming all the jerks you've dated. Like the time you actually degraded yourself to the lowest possible level with Zapp and even-

Leela: Don't you dare mention that!

Fry: I just don't understand how something like my relationship with Michelle, from way-back-when, could upset you so badly.

Leela: But you proposed to her, Fry. That's different than just dating her.

Fry: I know. But I was desperate back then.

Leela: (teasing) You mean you still aren't?

(Fry rolls his eyes.)

Fry: Ha ha. Very funny. (serious) But, that was then, this is now. Can't we just put it behind us? I love you, not Michelle. Isn't that what matters?

(He wraps his arms around her waist, as she smiles at him.)

Leela: I guess it is.

Fry: See?

(Short Pause)

Fry: I love you, and my Dad'll eventually see that, and grow to love you too.

Leela: I hope so. He must really care about what's best for you.

Fry: Something like that.

Leela: After all, he won't even let us sleep in the same bed for the entire week.

(She wraps her arms around his neck and looks seductively at him. He returns her gaze and kisses her. Her conscience gives way as he takes off his jacket and shoes before undoing her hair. He flops her onto the bed and she immediately responds.)

Leela: We shouldn't be doing this. I promised your dad that-

Fry: (suave) Forget whatever it was he said.

(She relents and gives way to his weight, as he slips her the tongue and... the door opens.)

Yancy Sr.: (barging into the room) We're gonna need to use the room for storage... (noticing them) Whoa! What's all this?

Joel: (coming into view from behind him) You know, you may want to save your passionate moments for when your dad's not here, Phil.

(Zoom-in on Fry's face as he pleads with Yancy Sr.)

Fry: (rushed) It's not what it looks like!

(Zoom-out to reveal his jacket and shoes strewn on the floor, as are her boots and scrunchie. Unknowing of the situation, Chandra innocently walks by and pokes her head in.)

Chandra: Philip, did I remember to tell you- (taking a second look) OH MY GOD!

(Leela slaps her head in embarrassment and shame.)

Chandra: (sobbing) Oh, this is all my fault!

Fry: Mom, it's okay.

Chandra: (blubbering) It was that time you walked in on me and your father, wasn't it? Oh, if only I'd bothered to lock the door! We wouldn't be in this situation!

Fry: Actually, the door was locked. (sheepish) I picked it.

(Chandra starts crying harder and louder.)

Chandra: (bawling) What kind of influence was I on you?

(Yancy and Colleen walk over to where everyone's standing.)

Yancy: What's going on here?

Colleen: Yeah. What's all the fuss about?

(They both notice our two 'heroes' on the bed.)

Colleen: Your boyfriend's parent's house is an awfully weird place to get intimate, Leela.

Leela: (annoyed) So I noticed.

Yancy: Even I can't bail you out of this one, Phil.

Fry: Could everyone please just go and leave us alone?

Yancy Sr.: Philip, get out of the room and consummate the relationship some other time.

Fry: Yes sir.

(He gets off the bed and leaves the room in a hurry. Leela sits up as the 'crowd' dissolves. Yancy Sr. and Joel put some boxes and the wedding garb in the room.)

Chandra: Yancy, can't you just put that somewhere else? This is Toronga's room. Just put the stuff for the wedding in the basement.

Yancy Sr.: No. There're probably rats the size of Champ down there, just waiting to rip something like Colleen's dress to shreds.

(A Marge-like "Hmmph" is heard from Leela's direction.)

Yancy Sr.: Hey! You got a problem, Eyeball?

Leela: (quietly) No sir.

Yancy Sr.: Good.

(He goes back to arranging the boxes, as Chandra and Joel exit.)

Yancy Sr.: (cont.) Now, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?

Leela: (biting her lip) Actually... it's nothing. Really. *PAUSE* You know, I'm just gonna go get something to drink from the,uh... (snaps fingers) uh... kitchen! That's it.

(She backs towards the door.)

Yancy Sr.: (back turned) Whatever you say, Toronga.

Leela: *ANNOYED SIGH* Leela.

Scene: The kitchen.

(Leela walks into the kitchen and sees Chandra.)

Chandra: (dabbing at eye with her apron) Hi.

Leela: Hi. I was just gonna get a glass of water.

Chandra: Of course.

(She dabs at her eye again.)

Leela: (noticing) Um, are you okay?

Chandra: (trying not to show that she's upset) I'm just peachy.

Leela: Okay. Because I was afraid something was wron-

Chandra: (dabbing again) I'm just realising that my little boy isn't so innocent anymore. *SOB* I don't know why I didn't see it from the beginning.

Leela: Look, I am so sorry about what happened back there.

Chandra: No. It's fine. Really it is. I mean, you can't help it if you unintentionally arouse those kind of things in him.

Leela: It won't happen again. I promise.

Chandra: (forcing a smile) It wasn't your fault. I'll make sure Yancy talks to him. *SNIFFLE*

Leela: (filling up a glass of water) I'm not sure how to say this, but thank you so much.

Chandra: (surprised) For what?

Leela: For everything. Letting me stay, putting up with me, not staring at me, or trying to burn me...

Chandra: (smiles sincerely) You're welcome. You know, hardly anyone ever says thank you to me. But I really should be thanking you.

Leela: Why?

Chandra: For dealing with my husband's narrow-mindednss and staying with Philip. *PAUSE* You are staying with him, aren't you?

Leela: Of course. I mean, Yancy's nice and all, but I have a lot deeper feelings for Fr-I mean, Philip.

Chandra: He thinks you're the one, you know.

Leela: (shocked) Yancy? How could he? I've only known him for a day.

Chandra: No. Philip.

Leela: Oh.

Chandra: He even went so far as to tell his father that he's going to propose to you.

(Leela just about chokes on her water.)

Leela: Say WHAT?!

Chandra: Oops. I probably shouldn't have told you that.

Leela: Wow. I never would have guessed. I mean, I thought he was only in the relationship for, well, you know...(She sits down next to Chandra at the kitchen table)

Chandra: Why don't you go outside? I've got a lot of cleaning to do and you've got a lot of thinking to do. (smiling) It'll get done faster if we split up. And, it's such a beautiful night out. (grinning slyly) Very romantic if I do say so myself.

Leela: Yeah.

Chandra: Oh, but be careful. Yancy's been putting so many coats of stainer on that table, it's probably still wet.

Scene: Out back.

(Leela's sitting on the table, gazing up at the stars. After a moment, Lucky jumps up on the table and begs to be petted.)

Lucky: *MEOWS*

Leela: Not now.

(She softly pushes Lucky away... and right into the large *burning* candle on the table. It tips over and the table immediately lights. Lucky yowls when she sees the fire and takes off, running into the night.)

Scene: The dining room.

(Colleen is looking at a piece of paper with Joel. She takes off her black reading glasses and sniffs the air.)

Colleen: Is something burning?

Scene: The living room.

(Fry and Yancy are engaged in a glare-a-thon, in opposite chairs. An unfinished game of Monopoly sits on the coffee table. Yancy jerks out of Fry's leering.)

Fry: Yes! I won! She's mine! I'll be taking your railroad too.

Yancy: Shut up. Something smells funny.

Fry: Relax. Mom's probably just cooking turkey like in '98.

(They look at each other for a second and then bolt out of their chairs.)

Scene: The kitchen.

(Chandra's vigorously filling up tall glasses overflowing with water. Colleen and Joel, followed, closely, by Fry and Yancy, run into the kitchen.)

Chandra: (panicking) The table outside's on fire!

Colleen: Omigod!

Chandra: (thrusting a glass at Joel) Everybody take a glass!

Yancy: Forget that! Just use the hose!

(He, Colleen, and Joel dash out.)

Fry: Um... I'm gonna get the fire extinguisher.

(He points to a low cabinet, before digging around in it for the fire extinguisher.)

Scene: Outside.

(Yancy's pretty much taken charge of the situation, as he's managed to bring the fire to a small size. Fry runs out and sprays what remains with the extinguisher. Leela's just standing to the side, her hands covering her face, once again. Yancy Sr. comes out of the house and looks at the smoldering remanents of the table, and scowls major.)

Yancy Sr.: (PO'ed) Alright, who burned your mother's birthday present down?

(Everyone, save for Fry, glares in Leela's direction.)

Leela: (grinning nervously) It was Lucky.

Yancy Sr.: Toronga, cats aren't arsonists.

Leela: She was sitting on the table and she knocked over the candle. I mean it!

Yancy Sr.: Sure.

Chandra: Oh, come off it, Yancy. It wasn't intentional. And she's probably telling the truth. Lucky's still a kitten. She's got big paws.

Colleen: Speaking of Lucky, where is she?

Joel: I haven't seen her for about an hour, when we got back from Michelle's.

Yancy: Yeah. She was scratching at the door, so I let her out.

Yancy Sr.: She's gotta be out here, then.

(Everyone begins looking for Lucky and calling out her name. Yancy Sr. notices the open gate.)

Chandra: (worried) Where's Lucky? Tell me she's okay.

Yancy Sr.: See for yourself. The gate's open and there's no cat to be found.

Chandra: You don't mean she's- (starts sobbing all over her apron.)

Yancy Sr.: This was your doing, wasn't it Toronga?


Yancy Sr.: Toronga?

(Everyone now realises that Leela's disappeared.)

Yancy Sr.: Where is that bit--?

Scene: Late that night in Fry and Yancy's room.

Fry: No fair Yancy! You had the bed last night!

Yancy: So?

Fry: So, I get it tonight!

Yancy: No way! I should get it. I'm older!

Fry: But I'm younger!

Yancy: Exactly.

(Fry socks him in the nose and jumps onto the bed.)

Fry: Ha!

Yancy: Ow. Easy on the nose. It still hurts.

Fry: You deserve it. I saw you drooling over MY girlfriend.

Yancy: Oh, and as if you didn't have your hand down your shorts the whole time too!

Fry: Hey, shut up!

Yancy: Make me!

(Fry makes a fist and is about to hit Yancy when someone knocks on the door.)

Yancy: Come in.

(The door opens and Leela enters, wearing-what else?-her pink nightgown.)

Leela: Hi. Mind if I sleep on the floor? My room's being used for storage.

(Yancy scoots over.)

Yancy: Sure. Go ahead.

Fry: Excuse me!?

Yancy: What do you want?

Fry: I believe we had this discussion with you yesterday. She's MY girlfriend.

Yancy: And I believe I said, 'Of course she is. Just like Michelle'.

Fry: (angry) How many times do I have to say that, if you want the truth ask her?

Leela: Uh, can I sleep in here or not?

Yancy: Of course.

Fry: Yeah. There's enough room in the bed.

Leela: Um, okay.

(She climbs in as Fry shoots Yancy a triumphant look.)

Yancy: Fine, fine. Just don't keep me up with your late night love-making.

Leela: Wait. You actually thought that we're going to... you know... here, with you present?

Fry: (disappointed) You mean we're not?

Leela: No. And let's drop the entire subject.

Fry: Okay. So, where were you?

Leela: I took a walk.

Fry: Is that why the gate was open?

Leela: No. I didn't open the gate. Did you think I did?

Fry: Dad thought so. I told him it was the wind.

Leela: (serious) It wasn't the wind.

Fry: Who, or what, was it?

(She pulls the sheets tighter around her.)

Leela: Fry, what did your dad do for a living?

Fry: I think he worked with the goverment before I was born. Something like that. I know he was in the Vietnam War, but other than that, he could've been in any area from 51 to the Secret Service. Why?

Leela: Oh. No reason.

Yancy: Weren't you going to tell him about the gate?

(Leela bites her lip.)

Leela: Not tonight. Maybe some other time.

(She lays her head down on the pillow and smiles sleepily at Fry.)

Leela: G'night. I love you.

(She kisses his cheek and lays back down. Within a few moments, she's drifted off. Fry gazes lovingly down at her. [Oh, can't you just feel the sugary-sweetness of the moment?^_~] He and Yancy share a minute of peace, as they smile at each other, brought together by a common love. [Gawd, I gotta quit watching those chick flix] Fry reaches over to the nightstand and pulls the bronze chain, which turns off the lamp, bathing the room in darkness.)

Scene: The next morning.

(Shot of the outside of the house, with someone wailing in a high pitched voice from inside it.)

Cut-to the kitchen.

(Chandra's sitting at the kitchen table sobbing hysterically with everyone,save for Fry and Leela, gathered around her.)

Chandra: (blubbering) Oh my poor baby! Out there all alone! She's probably scared half to death with all those Marilyn Manson freaks out there roaming the streets!

(She starts crying into her apron. Leela and Fry come into the kitchen.)

Yancy: Aw, cheer up, Mom. Lucky's got claws. She can protect herself. Remember what she did to cousin Arthur?

Yancy Sr.: This is all Toronga's doing.

Fry: (upset) How would you know? You didn't even see her do anything.

Yancy Sr.: She took a walk last night. She'd have to have been the last to use the gate.

Leela: (irritated) I went through the front door.

Yancy Sr.: (sarcastic) Sure. Now we're going to have to postpone the rehearsal to go look for her.

Leela: Well, if you think I did it, the punishment must fit the crime.

Fry: Huh?

Leela: I'll go look for her. That way you can rehearse.

Colleen: But what about you? You are the bridesmaid.

Leela: You can use Chandra as my stand-in.

Yancy Sr.: Are you sure, Eyeball?

Leela: Yes. I am sure. It's the least I can do.

(Chandra has heard all this, and now jumps up to hug her.)

Chandra: (happy) Oh, you're so sweet Toronga! Thank you so much! I always thought I'd hate my in-laws, but you proved me wrong!

Colleen: You're getting married? Omigod! Why didn't you tell us?

Leela: Because I'm not... (looking in Fry's direction) yet. Anyway, you have a rehearsal to perform, and I have a cat to find.

Yancy Sr.: Exactly. Now you're talking, Toronga.

Leela: (rolling her eye good-naturedly) Leela.

Scene: One of NYC's pounds.

(Leela's walking down a hallway past the different animals in their cages, with a shorter version of H.G.Blob. You've got your regular mutt dogs and cats at this pound, but several alien animals are in the cages also, including several brain slugs and a Nibblonian. Finally, they reach one cage and Leela stares in shock.)

Leela: Omigod! That's her! It's Lucky!

(The H.G.Blob looks at the cat and the photo of Lucky and then back again.)

Blob: Ah... nope. Sorry.

Leela: What? That cat looks exactly like the one I'm looking for.

Blob: (pointing at the picture) No. If you look here, your cat has a brown heart shape on its back. This one doesn't. (he hands it back to Leela who looks pretty peeved.) Sorry we couldn't help you.

(He walks/slithers/slips off, leaving a trail of slime. Leela just stares at the cat.)

Leela's mind: But it looks just like Lucky. And I've got Chandra and Yancy Sr. counting on me. There must be some way...

Scene: In the backyard of the Fry house.

(Leela comes through the gate, a smug smile on her face, and a cat carrier in her hand.)

Leela's mind: It seemed impossible, but I've beat Yancy Sr.

(Cut-to Fry casually glancing into the distance at the podium and seeing Leela.)

Fry: Omigod! Omigod! She did it!

(Fry takes off sprinting. Everyone looks to where Fry's running and gasps, Chandra's being a delighted one. Fry reaches Leela and sweeps her literally off her feet and into deep-kiss mode. She breaks his embrace, and heads toward Yancy Sr. and Chandra, car carrier in hand. Chandra runs up to her and pulls the cat out of the carrier, smiling all the while.)

Chandra: (high-pitched) Oh sweetie! Mommy was so worried!

(Leela sighs and smiles.)

Scene: Dinner at Tears of Pearls (Heh heh. Savage Garden reference. Betcha didn't see that coming. ^_~).

(Everyone is sitting, and in good spirits, at a long table. Yancy Sr. is at the head with Chandra at his left side and Leela at his right.)

Yancy Sr.: (standing up with his glass) A toast to my, hopefully, future daughter-in-law!

(Everyone, save for a blushing Leela, raises their glasses.)

Yancy Sr.: (now seated) I didn't think you'd come through for us, but I was wrong,-

Leela: Don't say 'Toronga'.

Yancy Sr.: (smiling) I wasn't going to, Leela.

Leela: Thank you! I was waiting to hear that.

(Chandra sits intently, listening to something. She perks up.)

Chandra: Listen. They've started the music and everyone's dancing. How about it?

Yancy Sr.: (reluctant) Well...

Chandra: Oh, come on, Yancy. It'd be just like old times.

Yancy Sr.: Well, okay.

Scene: A while later.

(Most everyone is now out dancing. Seems that Adkinses may have the blandest of personalities, but they excel in dance, as Joel takes Colleen through several complicated moves. Chandra does a spin and lands in her husband's arms, laughing. Meanwhile, our main couple is slowly dancing.)

Fry: What'd I tell you? You won Dad over.

Leela: I guess. That toast did sound pretty sincere.

Fry: Yeah, about that...

(Leela raises a finger to her lips.)

Leela: Save it for later. They're playing my favorite song.

(They resume dancing to "I Knew I Loved You". [Wow. Two SG references in two scenes. I'm on a roll.] About halfway through, Leela glances over at the two people remaining at the table.)

Leela: Looks like Michelle's recovering from her husband's absence.

(Fry looks toward the table and sees Michelle talking to some hot guy.)

Fry: Yep. Yancy's not so lucky though.

(Camera pans to show a rather lonely and dejected Yancy, sitting all alone.)

Fry: (cont.) No doubt that he wishes you'd picked him.

Leela: Maybe I should ask him to dance.

Fry: No way I'm letting go of you that easy.

(They share a smile. He holds her closer, as she rests her head on his shoulder.)

Fry: (whispering) I love you.

Leela: I love you too... (getting an idea) Would you excuse me for a minute?

(She steps off the dance floor and heads off in the opposite direction of their table.)

Fry: (confused) Where are you going?

(Cut-to Leela talking to a blonde-haired woman.)

Woman: So you want me to go talk to some guy I don't even know?

Leela: Yes. But he's really very sweet and thoughtful. I'm sure you'll hit it off.

Woman: (glancing over at Yancy) He's not that bad-looking either. What the heck? I'm not gonna meet anyone just sitting here. I will talk to him. Thanks.

Leela: No. Thank you.

(The blonde woman gets up, as Leela heads toward a short hallway marked "TELEPHONE AND RESTROOMS".)

Scene: Back at the table.

(Fry's sitting in his chair, watching the couples dancing. He spots Yancy dancing with the blonde woman and waves. Yancy waves back happily. Fry leans back, and pulls a small velvet box out of his pocket and sighs longingly.)

Scene: At the pay phones.

Leela: (speaking into the receiver) Yes. That's right. I'm looking for a female tabby kitten. Very affectionate... Yeah, I'll hold.

(Yancy Sr. comes over to the other pay phone and nods at her. He puts thirty-five cents in, and dials the number for his voice-mail.)

Leela: (into the receiver, looking at Yancy Sr.) You know, I think that I have the wrong number. Thank you for your time.

(She slips the phone back onto the hook-thingy and walks off.)

Voice on Yancy Sr.'s receiver: Hey, it's Sara from nextdoor. I know it's kinda late, but I'm calling about Lucky. She's not supposed to go outside your yard, right? Well, looks like she slipped under the fence or something 'cos she's over at our house right now. Anyway, just come over, whenever you get back, and get her. See ya!

Scene: Back at the table.

(Leela comes back over to the table and sits down next to Fry, Yancy and the "Nameless Blonde Woman".)

Leela: Hey.

Fry: Hi. Yancy was just introducing me to his new girlfriend.

Leela: (smiling) How sweet. That was... kinda fast.

Yancy: Yeah. But I think this might actually go somewhere.

Leela: (to the "Blonde") I didn't catch your name.

Woman: Monica.

Leela: (repeating) Monica. Hmm...

Monica: Yes. Monica Swinton.

(Pause. No one says anything, but Monica and Yancy exchange blank glances.)

Monica/Yancy: I'm gonna get something out of the car.

(Both dash out of the restaurant, in a hurry.)

Fry: (smiling) They're at that stage-

Leela: (smiling too) Where they can't keep their hands off each other.

Fry: We were like that once, weren't we?

Leela: Yeah. A long time ago.

Fry: I wonder if you ever go back to that stage.

Leela: Nope. Not unless something really good happens.

Fry: Too bad.

Scene: Back at the Fry house later.

(Yancy, Monica, Leela, and Fry are in the front hallway, when they hear a scream from upstairs. They rush up the stairs and meet Colleen, who's sobbing and staring into Yancy's room. She's surrounded by Chandra, Yancy Sr., and Joel. They survey the room, where everything is strewn about. The china is broken and Colleen's dress is in tatters. In the midst of it all, "Lucky" is sitting happily in a puddle of champagne from one of the bottles she broke.)

Chandra: (disbelieving) Lucky?

Joel: (With Colleen sobbing into his shoulder) It looks like Lucky, but she's missing her spot.

Yancy Sr.: (angry) It's not Lucky. Toronga intentionally brought a fake cat.

(Everyone turns and stares at Leela.)

Chandra: Leela, is that true?

Leela: (At a loss for words) I, I...

Yancy Sr.: Well?

Leela: (softly) Yes.

(Several Gasps and Murmurs are heard.)

Leela: (pleading) But I didn't mean for this to happen! I just wanted you to accept me.

Yancy Sr.: (angry) By lying to me? If you think this is acceptance, you're way off.

Leela: But-

Yancy Sr.: No but's, Toronga. I want you to get out of my house, and take your friend with yo-

Yancy: Hey, this sounds like that Ben Stiller mov-

Yancy Sr.: Shut up, Yancy. Now, Toronga, you have ten seconds to get out of my face with your cat friend. I don't want any dishonest people in this house.

Leela: (upset) You think I'm dishonest? You should talk. Why don't you tell everyone here about the man you've been meeting with at the store, and the drak person who crept in through the gate last night? What about the kidnapping of Joel and Colleen?

Joel: (confused) Kidnapping?

Colleen: What on earth are you talking about?

Leela: (Pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket and handing it to Colleen) This is what I'm talking about.

(Colleen puts on her reading glasses.)

Colleen: (reading) "On the first Sunday of the month of October, initiate plan by taking Joel Adkins and Colleen Fitzpatrick onto Flight 1709 at JFK airport-" (looking up) My god, she's right.

(Joel places a hand on Colleen's shoulder.)

Joel: How could you, Yancy? You've been like a father to me.

Chandra: There must be some explanation.

Yancy Sr.: There is. (PAUSE) I was paying for a two week honeymoon in Hawaii. (To Leela, his voice raised) You just ruined the surprise! That was my top-secret gift for them! Do you know how long, and how much, it took to set that up?

Colleen: (perky) Hawaii? Ooh! Thank you soooo much!

(She quiets down when she sees nearly everyone glaring at Leela, and changes her expression to match theirs. Leela just looks around, sighs, and leaves.)

Scene: The living room later.

(Fry is sitting in a chair, looking rather upset.)

Fry: (thinking outloud) What's she gonna do? She has nowhere to go, and we don't leave for another four days. Why didn't I just go with her?

Yancy Sr.: (sitting down) Ever heard of a hotel, Philip? People pay money to stay there. They must have them on Saturn, if that's really where you were.

Fry: (upset) Haven't you messed up my life enough?

Yancy Sr.: You'll find someone else.

Fry: No. No, I won't.

(He gets up and walks away.)

Scene: Later upstairs.

(Fry's sitting on his bed with his suitcase opened. He pulls something out. It looks like a cellphone. He looks at it for a moment, before flipping it open and dialing a number. He holds it to his ear. The phone at the opposite end rings a few times before the answering machine kicks in.)

Voice on the phone: Hi, it's Leela. Fry and I aren't here right now, but leave a message and we'll get back to you.

(Cut-to Yancy Sr. walking down the hall. He passes by Fry's room and hears him talking into what looks like a cellphone.)

Fry: Hey. It's me. When you hear this, we'll probably be together, but there's a chance we won't. I'm really torn about what to do here. I mean, I've already told you, but I'm seriously considering staying. I just feel so much at home here. And if I decide to stay, come visit, okay? It's not that I won't miss you and Bender, I... Well, I want to be with my family. I have this sense of belonging with them...*SIGH* The time's almost up on this thing, so I better go. If you find someone else, I won't be upset. But I know I'll never find anyone else, and I'll always remember you. I, I... I love you, Leela.

(He hangs up the phone and sighs. He lays down on the bed and does something he's never done before, he cries himself to sleep as Yancy Sr. watches.)

Scene: Deep in Central Park.

(Leela is walking on the path through the park.)

Leela's mind: It's so cold. I should've brought my wallet. Then I could stay in a hotel.

(She spies a bench and sits down. She pulls her jacket tighter around her and hugs her legs to her chest, shivering.)

Yancy Sr.: (OS) Eyeball!

Leela: (muttering) Not agian.

Yancy Sr.: (Now On-Screen) Toronga.

Leela: What do you want now? Did you think up some other mean thing to tell me?

Yancy Sr.: Give me you hand.

(Leela groans but holds out her hand.)

Yancy Sr.: Do you have feelings for Philip?

Leela: Yes.

Yancy Sr.: Now, do you have feelings for Yancy?

Leela: No.

Yancy Sr.: Do you love Philip?

Leela: Yes.

Yancy Sr.: Would you be completely faithful to him?

Leela: Yes.

Yancy Sr.: Do you want to marry him?

(No response.)

Yancy Sr.: (repeating himself) Do you want to marry him?

Leela: I thought I did. I don't know if I can survive being in your family.

Yancy Sr.: Don't quote Greg Focker, Toronga. You can come up with something better than that.

Leela: Can you quit calling me Toronga?

Yancy Sr.: Fine.

Leela: And lighten up?

Yancy Sr.: You're pushing it...Now, Toronga Leela...

Leela: What?

Yancy Sr.: (holding out the open ring box) Will you be my daughter-in-law?

Scene: Later that night in Fry's room.

(All the lights are out as Leela quietly creeps in. She raises a finger to her lips when Yancy notices her. She turns the light on the nightstand on and gently shakes Fry awake.)

Fry: (disbelieving) Leela?

Leela: Hi.

Fry: What are you doing here?

Leela: Your dad came after me and convinced me to come back.

Fry: But why? [I was watching the MSTed version of "The Deadly Bees" as I wrote this. ^_~]

(Leela holds out her hand to show him. He stares, shocked, at her. He quickly pulls the ring off.)

Leela: What's wrong?

Fry: It was done wrong the first time. (He gets off the bed and onto the floor) Here, now you stand up.

Leela: (smiling) Okay.

(She stands up as he kneels down and holds her hand.)

Fry: Leela, when I first met you, I was really shocked and scared about being in a new world that I knew nothing about. But, the past five years have been the best of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. We had our arguements, but each one seemed to bring us closer. We started as just friends, but look at us now. There's no one in the world I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. Toronga Leela, will you marry me?

Leela: (throwing her arms around him) Yes! Yes, I will!

(Tears run down their cheeks as they pull into deep-kiss mode.)

Scene: Later.

(Close-up of Yancy in the sleeping bag, pulling his pillow over his ears to drown out the frequent "Mmmmum"'s in the background.)

Yancy: Could you please keep it down?

(A few more "Mmmmum"'s.)

Fry: (OS) No.

(Back to the smooch-fest. Yancy sits for a few seconds, then gets up, being careful not to glance over his shoulder.)

Yancy: I'm just gonna sleep out in the hall.

(No ressponse. Yancy makes the mistake of looking back and winces.)

Yancy: I'm scarred for life. Ugh... seeing my little brother and his-

Fry: (OS) Can you just leave?

(Yancy exits and Theta's sick little scene ends after a few seconds.)

Scene: Three days later.

(Dressed in a nice tux, Fry's standing outside the bathroom, leaning against the wall. Distinct "retching" sounds can be heard. Colleen comes running up, wearing the "just-in-case" dress.)

Colleen: (worried) We've only got ten minutes left! Are you gonna be okay?

(Chandra comes up the stairs.)

Chandra: We need to hurry it up. Joel's not too good at stalling anything. (Hearing the sounds coming from the bathroom) Toronga? Are you alright?

Leela: (lying) Yes. (Truthful) No. Chandra, can you stand in for me?

Chandra: (excited) Me? A bridesmaid? Me? (crying happily) Omigod! I finally get to be a bridesmaid!

(She goes running down the stairs.)

Colleen: I'm gonna go down now, but make sure you're not late.

(She follows Chandra.)

Fry: Um... do you want me to get some saltines or something for you?

Leela: (happy) No. It's morning sickness. This is wonderful, isn't it?

(More retching sounds. Yancy walks by, heading for the stairs in a tux.)

Fry: (not knowing what she's talking about) Uh, yeah. Great. (To Yancy) What's morning sickness?

(Yancy looks thoughtful.)

Yancy: Isn't that when pregnant women start throwing up in the morning?

(He goes down the stairs.)

Fry: That makes sense. Must be why they call it morning sick- (realising and slowing down) ness... Oh god.

(His eyes become glazed over and he sways a bit, before passing out on the floor.)

Scene: The next day.

(Chandra is sitting in the living room, watching the news.)

Anchorwoman: (a dead-ringer for Linda) And so ends the tragic life story of yesterday's Pop princess, Britney Spears. Quite a loss, wouldn't you say, Mordo?

Mordo: (Very similiar to our favorite 31st century anchorman) Miss Spears was one of the many insignificant vermin on this planet that Mordo will not miss, Lydia. In other news, Earth president Kilcher was finally overthrown today by Trrr, of Omicron Persei 8. Trrr's first order was to move the Rosebowl up to this afternoon. The puny human teams competing were those of the state called Wisconsin and the state of Michigan. The game is still in progress, and the ragtag winners will be announced later tonight.

(Chandra turns the TV off and walks into the hall, where Leela, Fry, Yancy, and Yancy Sr. are standing.)

Chandra: Well, I guess this is it. (starts crying and hugs Fry tightly) Bye, Philip. Make sure you write and call. Don't forget.

Fry: I won't, Mom.

(Yancy embraces him.)

Yancy: It was good to see you, bro.

Fry: Same here. Even if we did fight.

(Yancy Sr. approaches him and places a hand on his shoulder.)

Yancy Sr.: Take care of yourself, Philip. You've got a great girl. Don't screw it up like you did with Michelle.

Fry: Don't worry, Dad.

(They exchange looks before hugging. Leela looks on smiling. Chandra turns to her.)

Chandra: I'm gonna miss you, Leela. Keep in touch.

(She hugs Leela.)

Leela: I will... (biting her lip) Mom.

(Chandra smiles as she tears up. Yancy embraces Leela.)

Leela: Hope things work out for you and Monica.

Yancy: Thanks.

(Leela smiles at Yancy Sr. before hugging him a little reluctantly.)

Yancy Sr.: Keep him in line... Leela.

(She smiles again, before walking out the door and joining Fry on the porch.)

Leela/Fry: Bye!

(Chandra tearfully waves farewell as Yancy and Yancy Sr. simply, well... wave.)

Scene: That night.

(Chandra is sitting up in bed, watching the 11 o'clock news.)

Mordo: And so, as commanded by President Trrr, Wisconsin won the inferior early Rosebowl with seventeen points compared to Michigan's miniscule nine.

Lydia: Much like the 2000 Rosebowl, wouldn't you say Mordo?

Mordo: Mordo did not keep track of human teams before 2003, but would consider each game to be alike.

(Chandra turns the TV off.)

Scene: Late 2008.

(Chandra opens the front door to get the paper, and sees a small envelope on the ground. She opens it and reads a large piece of paper.)

Leela: (VO) "Dear Chandra, I know this letter is a little overdue, but I felt I should send it. Philip and I recently celebrated our third anniversary, and what a three years it's been. Philip now owns a business, as it was passed onto him by a dear friend of ours. Besides inheriting an entrepeneurship, another joy has come into our lives. In the fall, almost three years ago, I gave birth to our daughter, Gabriel Marion. She has bright eyes and a happy disposition. She reminds me so much of you, including her love of animals. In fact, Gabi is playing with our pet Nibbler, as I write this. Philip constantly told me how much he wanted a son, but I can tell by the look in his eyes when he holds Gabi, that he wouldn't trade her for anything. I'm sorry that my note must be so short, but both Philip and your granddaughter are begging me to go with them on our "family outing" to the park. I hope this letter finds you well. Philip and Gabi send their love. Sincerely, your daughter-in-law, Toronga Leela Fry."

(Chandra folds up the letter and tears stream down her cheeks.)


Author's Note: Yup. That's what kept me from finishing The Average Conclusion. But, I will continue writing it as soon as I send this off. And, after that, I promise, I'll use another topic. Really I will! I know I've been working the same idea to death, and TAC will end all that. Well, it will end my repetitive stories, unless you'd like my to post my special 'Author's Edition' of AHH, which is really just the alternate version. It's only a few scattered scenes as of now, but I'll change all that, should I get enough replies asking me to post it. Personally, I think it'll be much more interesting and having comedy as it's second genre, which I felt the original version was lacking.

So anyway, here are the thank you's. Thanks to Marcus for his wonderful editing skills, and helping me revise the script. Thanks to Allen, for always supplying ideas (He came up with the idea of Yancy and Fry competing for Leela!). I also want to thank Kryten and KeikerSunrise for their constant reading and helping me perfect the fic. But, most of all, thanx to all the people who take time to skim or read my fics, when they could very well be doing something productive, like forming a business or vacuuming.

Oh, and to anyone who thinks that this is the biggest piece of crap they've ever read, I reserve the right to write the biggest piece of crap because way-back-when, some people came up with freedom of press and freedom of speech. And all of my fics will have some level of crappiness, some much more than others. Okay, that's all for now. Peaces (A KS phrase! I luv you, Morgan! ^_-) and Yvan Eht Nioj!