Futurama

Fan Fiction

Bearer Of Bad News
By JBERGES

(Opening Credits and Music: Caption: Like Logan's Run, Without the Calisthenics)

(Shot of Bender and Leela on the couch watching TV. Bender has a beer, Leela has a sandwich. TV is heard while camera stays on Leela and Bender watching apathetically)

Voice from TV: Cher, quickly! We have to fight our way out!

Cher: I'm coming, Brian! MacGyver used a wrench, and candle, and a poodle to make this makeshift gun!

Brian: Good, maybe we can save ourselves from the… oh no!

(Screaming and explosions)

Announcer: "Brian, MacGyver, and Cher, OH MY!" … will be right back.

(Fry enters, whistling quite happily. No one pays attention, so he whistles a bit louder)

Leela (sarcastic): Gee Fry, you seem unassumingly happy! Would you like to tell us about it?

Fry (eager): I've finally got it all figured out!

Bender: (While getting up) What, the English language? (He laughs)

Fry: Better! I've had an epiphany! (Fry casually looks at his hand. "Ipifanny" is scribbled on his palm) Right.

(Bender leaves anyway, uninterested. Fry doesn't seem to care)

Leela (wary): Let me guess, it's about 'us'?

Fry: Leela, you have to admit I've gotten you to go out with me few times, and they haven't all ended tragically.

Leela: I'll give you that and not much more.

Fry (resolute): Well, I figure it's about time I give it a rest. If there's anything really there, you know I'll be waiting here for you make the next move.

Leela (happy): Well, good. Maybe things will be a bit less awkward for you if you stop… (Cut to show Fry is staring at her expectantly) …what?

Fry (cheesy romantic whisper) : The next…

Leela (suppressing rage): Fry…

Fry: (he leans over her) …move

(Leela takes a large bite of her sandwich)

Fry: oh… (He waits for Leela to swallow, then, in stride: ) The next…

(A de-manhoodifying thud is heard, and Fry's eyes go cross as he falls to the ground in a heap. It's clear what Leela's next move was. She storms off. Zoidberg enters, and crosses Leela exiting. He sees Fry on the ground clutching his groin)

Zoidberg: There is nothing sadder than seeing a man with a broken heart… (shakes his head) Don't worry Fry; I'm sure it's only internal bleeding. You lose less blood that way.

Fry (falsetto): I'll be OK in a few minutes…

(Leela enters, angry but subdued)

Leela: Just to show there are no hard feelings Fry, I got you an ice-pack. (She drops it from waist height onto Fry's crotch)

Fry: Oomph! None at all…

(Bender enters. He is in his golf attire from "The Sting")

Bender: Hey, Professor says we're all going golfing, so make with the argyle and let's move it!

Leela: Please… we have plenty of time. If we are going golfing, first, he's going to wander in here, sputter something like "Good news, everyone!" and then Hermes will hold a meeting about us going golfing, and that's only if…

(The professor and Hermes burst through the wall Kool-Aid Man style in a golf-cart and traverse the room)

Farnsworth: (Doppler effect) Good-news-everyone-we're-going-golfing...

(The golf cart smashes through the opposite wall)

(Awkward pause)

Leela: C'mon…we'll have to meet them there… I'll pick up my clubs, Fry, you pick up your balls and we can go.

Fry: (moans)

Bender: Fine, I'll get the argyle!

Zoidberg: I hate golf, but at least I'll be doing something with my friends!

(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)

Zoidberg: Oh...

(Cut scene of the PE Ship landing at the golf course just as Farnsworth and Hermes arrive by cart. A sign reads: "Senior Golf Day: Like every day, but with discounts ")

(Cut to, Hermes, Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, and Bender walking with golf equipment. Fry now has an argyle tie, and Leela is wearing an argyle baseball cap.)

Leela: So basically, we all get to play for free because you're unspeakably old?

Farnsworth: Yes, the deal was only good for the first 100 customers, so you see why the all the rushing and wall breaking was necessary.

Fry: Why aren't we taking the cart?

Farnsworth: Cart?

Bender: Y'know, you'd think that playing "shotgun" would be a bit more fun than skipping some holes…

(They've reached the 3rd tee. Fry examines a monitor by the tee box)

Fry: What's this thing do?

Leela: That's the drive-tracker. After you hit your drive, a camera follows your ball and shows you exactly where it landed.

Fry: Cool!

(Hermes takes his drive. A small hover-camera fires out of the back of the monitor and chases the ball. On the screen the crew sees the ball roll to a stop on the fairway. The hover-camera returns.)

Fry: My turn!

(Fry puts the ball and tee down, and without as much as a practice swing, hacks at the ball, which hooks exceedingly left. The hover-camera follows in pursuit as the crew watches the screen. They see a blurry fly-by of many trees, a fence, a road, and a frightened pedestrian who dodges the ball, but is hit in the face with the camera. The screen goes to snow.)

Hermes: Your turn, Leela.

Leela: Actually, I'll be playing from the ladies' tees. (Points to the ladies' tee, many yards forward)

Hermes: See, now dats just unfair, it smacks of feminine manipulation!

(Leela smacks him)

Hermes (hurt): It was a figure of speech mon… (A lone tear wells in his eye)

Leela: Fine, I'll play from here, I can beat you all anyway. (She places her ball down). Except maybe the professor…

(Quick pan of the entire hole, tees to green. Ten yards from the green, there is another tee-box that reads "Ages 146 and up")

Voice Off-screen: Hey jerks, we're waiting here! In fact, get the hell out of the way, we're playing through!

(Mom, Walt, Larry, and Ignar join the crew)

Leela: Mom? Why would you play golf on discount day?

Mom: It makes me seem more sweet, gentle, and kind to the public.

Ignar: But mommy…

Mom: Shove an ass up your face you dumb crap! (slaps him)

Walt: Mother, you shouldn't…

Mom: I said bite a bitch you bastard! (slaps him) These idiots know me, remember? I'm in this getup (she indicates her fat-suit) for the media coverage I'll be getting at the 18th hole. So let's hurry up and play the freaking game.

Farnsworth: I…I still love you… (he smiles)

Mom: You… I hate you with every wrinkle in my body you two-timing sack of senility!

Farnsworth: But…but…we're meant for each other. You're a Libra, and I'm a Cancer…

Mom: I'm a Scorpio, and you had cancer! Now get the hell out of my sight before I find some rodents to stuff your orifices with! (smacks Larry)

Larry: What did I do? (Walt slaps him)

(Farnsworth frowns, he turns and starts walking towards the 146+ tees)

Mom: Let's get this damn game over with…

(Walt sets the ball and tee down, Larry hands her a club, and Ignar holds up a "Quiet" sign. Mom takes a practice swing, and then takes her shot. The ball rockets low off the tee, and strikes the professor, who has only walked a number of yards down the side of fairway. He falls unconscious. Everyone gasps.)

Mom: Oh, crap. Someone say something apologetic...

Ignar: whoooooooooooooopsie...

(Mom slaps him as the others run to Farnsworth)

(Leela, Fry, Bender, and Hermes crowd around the fallen Professor. His glasses have shattered, and he's bleeding lightly from a cut on his forehead.)

Fry: Quick, stop the bleeding before he starts to lose too much blood! Oh… wait, it stopped.

Hermes (worried): Dat was all of his blood!

Leela: (attempting CPR) He'll need a transfusion right away! Oh…why did Amy have to visit Kif this week! We don't have a donor!

Walt: (somber) An ambulance is on the way. (upbeat) Thirty seconds or his autopsy's free! (somber) We'd hate for Mother to get caught up in a tragic manslaughter case…

Leela: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! (She punches down on Farnsworth's chest)
(Snnnap!)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5! (She punches down again)
(Pop…Crrrack!)

(A hover ambulance arrives, and two paramedics start to take the Professor aboard)

Leela (shouting): He needs blood, but we don't have a donor! Is there anything you can do?

Paramedic: No. (they drop the Professor and start to leave)

Fry: There's blood all around us! What about my blood, or your blood?

Leela: We're the wrong type. Plus, I'm a mutant and you're your own grandfather.

Fry: Hermes?

Hermes: Uh… I'm not allowed ta donate for some reason… (nervous cough)

Fry: Bender?

Leela: That's just stup…

(Cut to Bender, who for some reason has a bag of human blood in his compartment. Hermes checks the bag)

Hermes: Wrong type.

Ignar (sad): Mommy…is that man going to die?

(Mom looks to the Professor and back to Ignar. Her countenance changes noticeably)

Mom: (sigh) No…no he's not… Ignar, go with the nice doctors.

Ignar: But Mommy…I'm scared…

Mom (stifled so paramedics don't hear) Do it before I take a cheese-grater to your eyes!

Ignar: whimper (He obliges)

Mom (in character): Excuse me, doctors. My son here will donate blood to that poor old man there.

(The paramedics take Ignar and the Professor aboard and climb into the hover-ambulance)

Mom (pensive): He'll be OK… as long as the doctors know what they're doing.

(The ambulance abruptly floors it in reverse, knocking Bender to the ground before it flies away)

Bender: Ow, my ass! I think I've got ass whiplash again!

Fry: You mean "ass-lash"?

Bender: No, that sounds too much like "eyelash."

Fry: Eye-lash? Sounds like an injury Leela might get…

Leela (chagrined): Oh…this is just great. Does anyone care that the Professor might die?! (Turns to Mom) And you! How did you know the Professor's blood-type, let alone that Ignar has the same?!

Walt: I was just wondering the same thing…

Mom: Well, I was waiting for all the ignorance and banter to stop, but I'll be dead long before that…so everybody listen, because I'm only telling it once.

(Everyone gathers around her)

Mom: sigh... Seventy-three years ago, Hubert and I were…romantically entangled.

Bender: And physically entangled! Wooooooooooh!

(Mom glares at him)

Bender: I'm sorry Mom... (dejectedly starts walking away)

Mom: Anyway, I had my entire company's future planned. About fifty years hence, I was to adopt two boys, and they would grow up to take the company over when I died. Unfortunately, a short while after Mothers' Day, 2931, I learned that I was pregnant. This child would ruin my perfect image and plans, so I kept the pregnancy a secret. When Ignar was born, I had him cryogenically frozen until the time when I adopted the two baby boys I had planned on having. So, 45 years later, I adopted Larry and Walt, and Ignar was unfrozen. I raised them as if they were all my own, and their father had died just before they were born. That's the story the public got too…though it was hard to convince everyone I was capable of having children. However, my charms and media propaganda won them over eventually.

Larry: So…I'm not your biological son?

Mom: No, Larry. I know this must be upsetting for you…

Larry: Well…not really.

(Meanwhile, a smiling Walt takes a notebook and pen out of his pocket. He makes a mark on it. Camera cut to his view, it's a list:

My problems:
Megalomania
Avarice
Oedipus Complex
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

He puts it away)

Mom: Well, a simple paternity test obtained by secretly bribing Hubert's doctor proved my worst fears, the pregnancy wasn't immaculate. It also gave me the blood information I know today…as well as my ever-present disdain for that man. But still, I couldn't bear to see him die, especially in front of his son.

Fry: Wow, that's an explanation I didn't expect…

Mom (Defense mechanisms kicking back in): Tell anyone and I'll rupture your pancreas!

Leela: We won't tell. You know…you'd think a child conceived by you and the professor would turn out somehow…uh…

Mom: Smarter? Yeah, they say being frozen for that long screws with your mind and makes you dense.

(everyone looks at Fry)

Fry (confused): …what? Oh…I get it. (wipes at his nose with his sleeve)

(Cut to PE building: Bottom of screen reads: 2 days later)

(Leela escorts the Professor into the room)

Farnsworth: Good news everyone, I forgot to die again!

Fry: And you said your lack of memory would never pay off…

Farnsworth: I never said that, damnit! Anyway, the doctor said I'm as healthy as before the injury, minus a few broken ribs which occurred for apparently no reason…

(Leela guiltily smiles and looks away, tugging at her hair)

He even said I can give my lecture at the Boring Scientific Improvement Convention tonight. It's about improving the absorption efficiency of paper towels!

(he hands Fry a flyer)

__________________________
Professor Hubert Farnsworth
Absorption Efficiency of Paper
Towels It's Sop-errific!
___________________________

Leela(sarcastic enthusiasm): It definitely sounds soporific…

Fry: No it doesn't! It sounds dull and unamusing!

Leela: (sigh)

Farnsworth: Well too bad, you're going! You owe it to me after forcing me to go golfing!

Leela: Yeah…speaking about that… did the doctors ever tell you what happened while you were unconscious?

Farnsworth: They said a maaaagical anonymous donor gave me his blood.

Fry (patronizing): Yeah, and that's exactly what happened.

(Hermes and Zoidberg enter)

Hermes: Sweet orange crested gillet indigenous to Niperius 7, he's back already!

Zoidberg: Oh… (Pulls out an extremely fancy certificate of death signed by him, complete with calligraphy)… someday maybe I'll be able to use this…

(Bender arrives at the front door, a bit rusted and dazed)

Bender: That's the last time I walk home from New Jersey…

Farnsworth: Great! Everyone is just in time for my boring presentation! Coincidently, I must have forgotten how many people work here, because I only have three tickets…

Bender: I'm cheese'n it! (runs back out the door)

Hermes: An' I'm goin' home to my wife… (follows Bender)

Zoidberg (fervent): Can I have a ticket?! I must have a ticket! (grabs one)

Leela: Looks like it's us and Zoidberg, Fry…

Fry: It's always us! We never get any respect! No respect at all…(thinks) Just like that guy in my time! What was his name? (thinks) Rodney…uh… (thinks) Rodney… (thinks) …King.

(Establishing shot of convention building. Sign in front reads: "Today: Boring Scientific Improvement Convention. Tomorrow: Steven Hawking's Head in a Nutshell")

(Cut to a lecture hall, about 1/3 full. The Professor is about to speak. Fry, Zoidberg, and Leela sit, in that order, in an otherwise empty row)

Leela: We needed tickets for this?

Fry: Well, at least the concessions are good… (Takes a sip from a beaker labeled "Toxic") Ahh…it's true; absinth does make the heart grow fonder…

(Leela just stares at him. Fry twitches, and promptly drops the beaker to clutch his chest)

Fry (whining): Ow… my heart hurts…

Farnsworth: Greetings, everyone. The history of absorbent paper is long and not nearly as absorbing as the towels themselves...

(Suddenly, Ignar bursts through the back door of the hall)

Ignar: Daaaaaddy! Daaaaaaaaddy! I found yooooou! (He runs towards the front)

(Walt and Larry enter in pursuit)

Walt: (To Larry) You had to tell him, didn't you…

Ignar: Daaaaaddy! I love you!

Farnsworth: Who the hell are you? I don't remember having a child…

Zoidberg(wistful): The offspring have finally migrated back to their original place of birth… the beautiful cycle is complete…

Farnsworth: Tripe! All tripe! Having a child your age would require having a prostate sometime in recent years!

Leela: No, it's true Professor…you see…

Fry: Leela, No! Mom will kill us!

Walt: It's too late for salvation now. Well…I'd better prepare… (slaps Larry, then himself) Hmmm… (He takes out his list, and adds "masochism" )

Leela: Ignar is your and Mom's son, born 73 years ago, and then frozen like Fry for 50 years. He was born a few months after the Mothers' Day you two broke up. It was Ignar that donated the blood to you.

(By now Ignar has reached Farnsworth)

Farnsworth: Could it be? I have a biological son? (his face turns fearful) and... it is now publicly known?

Entire Hall: Yes.

(Farnsworth grabs Ignar by the arm)

Farnsworth (frantic): We have to get out of here, now! (starts to drag Ignar away)

Walt: Wait just one minute! (he and Larry advance on the Professor)

(Farnsworth grabs a display roll of paper towel, and waves it at them menacingly)

Farnsworth (crazed): Get back!

Fry: Careful, it's quilted!

(Walt and Larry back away. The Professor leads Ignar away as quickly as he can. They disappear off screen)

Leela(worried): What could that be about?

Zoidberg (ecstatic): A lecture and a mystery…what a wonderful night!

Leela: You have no sense of the gravity of anything, do you?

Zoidberg (depressed): I can't help if I'm not native to a planet this size…

Fry: We'd better find them. They could be miles away by now!

(Farnsworth and Ignar burst through the wall in the Professor's golf cart, traverse the hall, and exit through the opposite wall)

Ignar: (in the distance) Weeeeeeeee!

(Cut to the PE ship landing at the PE building, just as the bullet proof shutters deploy)

(Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg exit the ship)

Leela: Whatever has the Professor troubled must be really bad. I mean, he apparently managed to remember it…

Fry: Why would he come back here…the one place everyone knows he'll be?

(Farnsworth enters)

Farnsworth: Because it's the only place I'm safe!

Leela: (motioning to the ship) I can fly you two anywhere in the universe…that is…after you tell us what's going on.

Zoidberg (interjecting): Can I come too?

Farnsworth: (long sigh) The truth is…I'm not the moral, assiduous scientist I've made myself out to be. (He puts down his copy of "Apocalypse Sooner" magazine) 90 years ago marks one of my first great autonomous robotic creations…the Robot Devil.

Fry: (attempts to spit-take, but he wasn't drinking anything, so only air comes out) You made the Robot Devil? You bastard!

Farnsworth: Now, now, the only bastard around here is him (points to Ignar on the other side of the room. He waves.) Well, not the current version, of course, a much simpler model.

(Flashback to picture of a younger Professor tweaking a rudimentary Robot Devil)

Farnsworth: Sadly, something completely unexpected happened while I was calibrating the temptation inductor…

Leela: You were tempted?

Farnsworth: I never saw it coming…

(Flashback: Professor adjusts a "Temptations" control dial through "low", "medium", "Motown", and "high")

Farnsworth: He promised a nerdy, balding scientist success with woman…

(Flashback: Professor punches out some holes on a punch card, and signs it)

Farnsworth: I, of course, accepted his ludicrous offer, because I thought I had tricked him. I promised to give up my first born son, knowing full well that I would never have children.

(Flashback: Professor feeds the card into the robot, which begins to laugh maniacally, but then powers down and falls limp. Farnsworth turns a small crank on the side of the robot, and it picks up where it left off.)

Farnsworth: But now... it seems fate has proved an even crueler mistress than Mom.

Fry: That's what you get for making deals with the devil! (idly cracks his knuckles)

(Leela gives him a sideways glance)

Farnsworth (dramatic) : What a fool I was! I should have had more faith in my notorious sexual prowess…I didn't need his help at all! However, I assume our deal is still in effect, and therefore the current Robot Devil must have a record of it somewhere. I just know he'll be after Ignar as soon as he catches wind of today's events…

(Cut to robot hell. The Robot Devil is looking over some recent forms, as well as an extremely dilapidated punch-card.)

Robot Devil: Hmm…how superbly intriguing! This may very well be the longest running deal with the devil ever!

Demon: What about that thing with the Fox Network?

Robot Devil: I stand corrected. (Quickly checks the papers again) As much as I'd love to do the deed myself, I do have a book club meeting in 15 minutes… plus… now I'll have to write some sort of upbeat song for welcoming a human to robot hell. (sigh) I guess I'll just send a diligent lackey… hey iSpy, get over here!

(A relatively small, laser pistol-toting robot emerges.)

iSpy: Yes, sir?

Robot Devil: (handing over papers) Kidnap this man. Or, if you must, just fatally wound him. Damned if I know what we'll do with him here.

iSpy: Yes sir!

(Cut back to the Planet Express building)

Fry: Well… let's just get you somewhere safe then. Uh…how's the sun this time of year?

Leela (jadedly): The sun is a bit too hot Fry…

Zoidberg (impudent) : Oh… Mr. Fancy Hot Sun isn't good enough for us is he? He thinks the whole world revolves around himself he does!

Leela (now boiling): Can you two last five seconds without saying something stupid?!

(cough)

(Fry and Zoidberg high-five)

Farnsworth: Yes, perhaps we should run away like schoolgirls. I just need a little while to pack. Until then, no one let anyone in or out! And don't get Ignar upset!

(He points to Ignar, who is oblivious, then walks away)

Leela: (watching Ignar stare into space) I wonder what's really wrong with him…

Fry: What do you mean? He's probably just a little… oh…what's the word……slow.

Leela: But maybe he's not just stupid. Maybe he's just really shy, or has social issues because he was raised by Mom… or he's autistic, or has Asperger's syndrome…

(Fry bursts out laughing)

Leela: What's so funny?

Fry: Nothing…nothing… (aside) heh-heh-heh…ass-burgers…

Leela (jesting) : Well, then I guess it was the cryogenic freezing…

(Farnsworth enters with a suitcase and a metal box with a handle)

Farnsworth: Freezing doesn't make you stupid! And I'll prove it too!

Fry: What's in the box?

Farnsworth: Oh, that's just my cat, Schrödinger……

Fry: Is he alive in that lead box?

Farnsworth: Well…yes and no… (heads towards the ship) Now, let's go to the lab and I'll prove that cryogenics is safe.

Leela: I worked at a cryogenics lab! I know it's safe! Besides, I thought we were leaving now... (sigh) We're gonna be stuck here forever…

Fry: Yeah…stuck. (turning to Leela) Hey Leela?

Leela: What, Fry?

Fry: Um, actually… never mind. I'll be right back. (Leaves the room)

Leela: (shouting after him) You should really try to get to know Ignar! You're related to him too you know!

Zoidberg: (Now standing near Ignar) Way ahead of you… (to Ignar) Sooo…staring into space, eh? Mind if your good chum Zoidberg joins you? (Joins Ignar)

(Ignar nervously murmurs and backs away)

Leela: I doubt he thinks you're his chum, Zoidberg. In fact, I doubt anyone thinks you're their chum.

Zoidberg (indignant): Bender said I was chum just yesterday!

Leela: Zoidberg…I don't think he meant-

Farnsworth (off screen): Everyone to the laboratory!

(Cut to Zoidberg, Ignar, and Leela entering the lab where the Professor is readying a cryo-tube)

Leela: I never knew you could actually buy one of these things Professor…

Farnsworth: One confession per day is enough, thank you… Now, (he opens the tube door) Leela, you're a relatively intelligent person. Well, just get in the tube, and I'll freeze you for 30 years. When you get out, you'll be just as smart as before!

Leela: That's the... (pauses)… seventh stupidest thing I've heard all day! C'mon, you'll be safer on another planet until I figure out how to get you out of this mess.

Farnsworth: Relax, we're safe here as long as no one disables the-

(There is a knock on the metal outside)

Farnsworth (musical): Who iiiiiis it?

Bender: B-

(Farnsworth retracts the shutters via remote)

Bender (entering): -ender.

Leela: (Grabs remote and deploys shutters again) Professor! That could have been anyone! (she puts the controller down) Bender, what are you doing here?

Bender: Well, I had nothing to do tonight, and I was gonna loot the place… but now you're here, so I guess I'll do it later. Hey, what the hell are you doing here anyway?

Leela: It's long and complex. (glaring at Farnsworth)The important thing is we're all leaving very soon.

(There is another knock on the metal outside)

Farnsworth (again): Who iiiiiis it?

iSpy: Uh… Bender.

(The Professor tries to hit the button but Leela slaps the control out of his hand)

Leela: Perfect… Ok, can we leave sometime before Ignar is captured?

Farnsworth (grumpy) : Oh, big deal! I've changed my mind! We're safer here. What is he going to do, drill under the building and pop up over there? (He points to a random spot on the ground)

(Extremely loud drilling noise is heard. Everyone looks at the floor)

(Suddenly, iSpy bursts through the floor, not where the Professor was pointing, but directly under Zoidberg, sending him careening into the cryo-tube. The door slams on him. Meanwhile, iSpy points a gun at Ignar, but is knocked to the ground by Bender, who has utilized a conveniently placed metal folding chair or other blunt object.)

Leela: Scramble!

(Leela grabs the Professor and Ignar over each shoulder. She and Bender scatter while iSpy recuperates and tries to find his dropped pistol)

(Cut to Zoidberg in the tube)

Zoidberg: Uh-oh…

(The tube activates and flash freezes)

Zoidberg: Ha! The joke's on them! I'm… cold-bloooooooooo

(Zoidberg's movements slow as his voice deepens to a low bass)

Zoidberg: -ded (All movement ceases. Then he blinks. Reeeeeeeally slowly)

(iSpy finds his gun and dashes out of the room. Meanwhile, Fry enters, just missing a fatal encounter. He appears to have a sort of limp in his step as he notices Zoidberg in the cryo-chamber.)

Fry: Waiter, I ordered the fresh lobster…haha! Swish! (He looks around; no one was there to hear his joke) Hey, where did everyone go? (He disengages the cryo-tube) Dr. Zoidberg, what's going on? I wanted to talk to Leela.

Zoidberg: (recovering) ooooooooh…It was horrible! Time slowed down! My whole life flashed before my eyes! (Starts sobbing) And it was depressing!!

Fry: Get to the point!

Zoidberg: (wipes his eyes) Some robot is trying to kill Ignar already!

Fry: Oh no! I have to do something! (He exits)

Zoidberg (Sudden realization): Oh no! My precious Slinkies! I spent all my money on them; now I must rescue them! To the supply closet! (He boldly sets out, only to fall into iSpy's entrance hole. A faint 'thud' is heard)

(Meanwhile, Bender, Leela, Farnsworth, and Ignar converge on the PE ship)

Leela: Let's go! Let's go! Everyone on the ship!

(iSpy comes through the door, weapon drawn)

iSpy: Freeze! Surrender the child or face the consequences!

Bender: Which are?

iSpy: First, a warning shot. Second, I will shoot the child. Third, I will proceed to shoot the old man, and then fourth…

Bender (arrogant): Alright already! Geez! For an assassin you're pretty damn talkative! I mean shouldn't you at least-

iSpy (monotone): Warning shot (he shoots Bender)

Bender: Ow! (resuming arrogance) Is that the best you got? …didn't even make a hole in me!

Leela: Shut up, Bender!

iSpy: Time's up!

(Cut to slow motion: iSpy aims the gun at Ignar and puts his finger on the trigger.)

Bender (decelerated voice): Nooooooooo!

(Slow motion: Bender starts a horizontal dive towards Ignar. Mid-flight, he grabs the Professor, and uses him as his human-shield while he is robot-shielding Ignar. Leela looks appalled)

(Normal speed: Bender and the Professor hit the ground hard)

Farnsworth: Ow! My further-broken ribs…

(No shot has been fired. Camera cuts back to iSpy, who is now facing the other way, pointing the gun at Fry, who had been shambling up behind him with a metal pipe)

Fry: (nervous laugh) Uh…heh-heh… hi.

(iSpy aims the gun at Fry's head)

Fry (panicked): No, wait! You don't have to kill me! I'm not even the one you're looking for!

iSpy: (brief chuckle) How about a compromise?

(He aims the gun at Fry's crotch and fires. Fry is thrown backwards to the ground)

(Cut to the crew wincing in horror. All except Ignar, conspicuously absent)

(Cut to Ignar, who has taken this opportunity to sprint away. He heads down a hallway. iSpy turns back around and notices)

iSpy: Aww, damnit… (He follows Ignar down the hallway, firing haphazardly)

(Leela instinctively breaks into a sprint to follow iSpy, but halts herself and instead runs to Fry's side, who is sprawled on the ground, the front of his pants singed black.)

Leela: (shaking him) Fry! Can you hear me? Are you OK?

Fry (regaining wits): aww…ow…uh…yeah. Yeah… I think I'm OK. (he puts his hand down the front of his pants)

(Cut to Leela averting her eye)

PING!

(Leela looks back to see that Fry has removed a metal plate from the inside of his pants and dropped it to the ground)

Leela: A crotch-shield? But… but how did you know he was going to shoot you in the…(She thinks back to prior events, has a realization) Hey…wait a minute. You wanted to tell me something…just what were you planning on saying this time?

Fry: Uh… nothing flirtatious! I swear!

Leela: Oh…just forget it!

(She helps him up and they join Bender, who is carrying Farnsworth like a shield, down the hallway)

(Cut to iSpy, who has been banging on the supply closet door)

iSpy: Get out of there! If you give yourself up, I don't have to kill you!

Ignar (timid): No!

iSpy: Fine then, the hard way it is... (He begins shooting at the door. The lock eventually gives way, and he enters the dimly lit closet) All right you little… what the hell?

(Camera pans to show iSpy is standing directly next to a large scrap metal bar. This bar has one of Zoidberg's metal Slinkies stretched around it, and to each end of the coil one of Farnsworth's various lengths of wire is attached. The camera follows these wires to the terminals of an industrial battery, recently taken out of its package. A hand is grasping the "on/off" switch, and flips it on)

iSpy: Nooooo! (His head is yanked towards the end of the bar, sparks fly)

(Leela and the rest arrive at the supply closet)

Leela: Ignar! Ignar! Are you OK?! (She sees iSpy) Oh my God…

(Bender quickly jumps back)

Bender: It's that thing I saw in those dreams! (He runs away)

Farnsworth: It's a giant electromagnet! But how did…

(Everyone looks at Ignar)

Ignar: I… I stopped the bad metal man daddy!

Fry: He's just like MacGyver!

Leela: I knew he wasn't dumb! He just has no social skills.

Farnsworth: No, no… I'd still say he's pretty stupid… but it looks like at least some of that mad-scientist gene kicked in. (he looks content)

(Ignar turns the battery off, iSpy crumples to the ground, malfunctioning)

Leela: I'm glad you're safe, Ignar. (She gives him a hug)

(Ignar twitches very uncomfortably and whimpers while in Leela's embrace)

Farnsworth: Yes, safe… for now.

Fry: Uh…Leela. I'm safe too y'know…

Leela: Fry, if I stopped to console you every time you almost died, I'd never get anything done…

Fry: True.

Farnsworth: We have to do something about this Robot Devil…he's still going to have it out for Ignar.

Fry: All because you wanted to get lucky. Pretty pathetic when you think about it.

Farnsworth (thinking): Get lucky? Pathetic? That's it! Dress cool folks, we're going to robot hell! (takes off his pants) Well, everyone except Ignar I guess...

(Cut to robot hell. The Robot Devil is writing down some words on a notepad. He turns on a needlessly futuristic looking metronome)

Robot Devil (singing):

"And though you might have trepidations,
'bout human/robot amalgamations,
Forget those moral implications,
And suffer through the integrations!

You'll be tortured too in robot hell!"

(He ends with a pose, decides he doesn't like it, tries another one)

Robot Devil: sigh… I'm probably wasting too much effort on this. No one appreciates the arts anymore…

(Enter Bender, Fry, Leela, Hermes, Zoidberg, and the Professor. All are dressed quite coolly, sporting Hawaiian clothes and/or sunglasses)

Robot Devil: I was unaware Hell was so easily accessible to tourists…

Fry: This ends here Beelzebot. You have no right to go after Ignar!

Robot Devil: Oh, I believe I do! Saggy McWrinkles over there promised his first born son in exchange for my predecessor's services.

Hermes: Exactly! And your predecessor provided none!

Robot Devil: You can't prove that.

Hermes: Professor, dat sexual prowess you speak of… just how amazin' was it?

Farnsworth (shamed): Uhhh…not as notorious as I made it out to be…

Hermes: In fact, how many sexual partners have you had in your entire life?

Farnsworth: Well…counting all those prostitutes?

Hermes: Countin' them.

Farnsworth (sad): One.

Robot Devil: And was this before or after your little deal?

Farnsworth (sheepish): After…

Robot Devil: Well, it wasn't much, but it counts. My precursor must have corrupted or beguiled that woman into sleeping with you…

Farnsworth: It was love, damnit! Robots can't cause love!

Bender: And you're talking about Mom! It was our beloved Mother who ravaged the Professor sexually!

Robot Devil (indifferent): Was it? I must have forgotten that part. Either way, my point still stands. Ignar is rightfully mine. (He grins evilly. Demons flank him to make him look more imposing)

Hermes (upset): Arbitration isn't workin'… an' it's all I'm good at…

Fry: Plan B it is…

Leela: We really hoped it didn't have to come to this.

Fry: Ladies and gentlemen, what is behind lobster number one?

Zoidberg (His lips don't move. A familiar voice): You dirty… spineless… disrespectful… little imp bastard!

(Zoidberg's shirt and glasses fall off, then his shell bursts away in an explosion of rage, revealing Mom, who had been in there the whole time.)

Demon: What the here?!

Fry (to Leela): Zoidberg's not going to be too happy about that…

(Cut to PE building. Zoidberg is without his shell, in a towel, and pacing)

Zoidberg (muttering): Forcing me to molt… They better not break it… I'm vulnerable and can't afford-

(He missteps, and falls back into iSpy's entrance hole. A much moister 'thud' is heard this time)

(Cut back to robot hell. Mom is fuming.)

Mom (digressing): Jesus Z. Christ, it's cramped in there! And P.U! Next time, why don't you just wrap me up in a dead whale's colon! (Slaps the Professor)

Robot Devil: Love indeed.

Mom: You shut up! The audacity to suggest I could be fooled by a primitive robot! The nerve to try and take my property away from me! Forcing me to listen to this, this entourage of idiocy and follow them here just to keep him safe. Oh…you will pay. You will pay.

Robot Devil (facetious) : Oh…Mother dearest…have I been a bad boy? (to his minions) Kindly remove our guests.

Mom: Not as smart as you make yourself out to be, are you? Those demons are MomCorp™ brand…

(Mom pulls a 5 button remote control from her bra. She hits the "Robot Off" button while aiming at the demons closing in on the crew. Other buttons read "Robot On", "Robot Out", Robot In", and "Shake It All About". After several button clicks, a swarm of minions have powered down and fallen to the ground. )

Mom: And so are you(points the remote at the Robot Devil)

Robot Devil (angered, yet delighted by the irony): Ooh! So extortion it is then? How fitting. Give up my pursuit of the boy or be powered down? Is that the deal? (sigh)…Fine then. I had no use for him anyway…

Mom: (Gives the remote to Leela) Oh no…you're not getting off that easily.

(Hermes hands Mom a metal gauntlet from his briefcase. She puts it on)

Robot Devil: (muffled whimper)

(Mom unleashes a barrage of slaps on the Robot Devil, who screams helplessly like a little girl each time.)

Mom (haughty): And if you ever think of coming after my son again, just remember who is even more powerful than the Devil!

Bender: She means Mom! I love you Mom! Wooh! I love you! Did I mention that? Wooooo-

(Leela powers Bender down. Dead silence in robot hell…)

Fry: Well…uh…I guess that fixes everything!

Mom: (turning on them) Fixes everything! Have you turned on the news recently?! This Ignar thing is a big scandal! It will cost millions in time and effort to smooth everything over, and it's all your fault! And why the hell did I have to come here in such a ridiculous disguise?!

Farnsworth: I just thought it would be a clever twist…

(Mom's rage has reached a new level. She winds up, and backhands the Professor with her un-gauntleted hand. Unfortunately, her wrinkly hand gets a bit tangled in the many wrinkles of Farnsworth's face)

Mom: (Struggling to get her hand free of the floppy face) What the? Get it off! It's…it's…it's…(she slowly begins to chuckle)

(Everyone nervously joins in on the laughter)

Mom: Oh Hubert, you always knew the right things to say and do… (she kisses him)

Fry/Leela/Hermes: Awww…

(Cut back to the PE building. Amy is wandering around with her bags)

Amy: I'm back guys! Hello? Where is everyone?

(Now it's her turn to fall into the big hole)

Amy: AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

(Screen fades to black. Over the credits: )

SPLORT!!

Amy: Ohh…thank goodness this pile of jelly broke my fall…

Zoidberg: Hello Amy!

Ignar: Hi Amy!

Amy: AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

THE END


Comments? Contact me at jdb69@cornell.edu

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