Anthology of Disinterest 3.14
Fry – "Professor, I don’t believe your “what-if” machine is accurate."
Farnsworth – "Not accurate? I’ve fine tuned that baby down to around a pico plausibility unit."
Fry – "I just don’t believe anything I have seen so far."
Farmsworth – "Believe what you like Fry. If anyone had told you 10 years ago your life would end up this way would you have believed them?"
Fry – "I guess not. Hey, that’s a great idea. Lets ask the “What if” Machine what would happen if I was frozen and then went to work for Planet express!"
Zoidberg – "That sounds strangely familiar."
Hermes – "Of course it sounds familiar you Crustacean Cretin – that is jus’ what
happened. Fry, that’s not “what if”, that’s “what is”."
Fry – "Exactly. Lets see if the what if machine can get it right."
Farnsworth – "Fry, this machine does the best with what it is given. By not inputing
everything, you will be asking too much of it."
Fry – "Like I said, not accurate."
Farnsworth – "Now you’ve gone too far Fry. I accept the challenge."
Fry – "Okay, lets go back to say six months ago. Everybody do a little research on what you were doing then, and tomorrow we will give the What If machine the best info we can."
Leela – "I’ll scan the news for items."
Hermes – "I have records on all relevant correspondences for the Planet Express."
Bender – "I was doing something involving beer and porn."
Zoidberg – "I undoubtedly had no life" – goes off blubbering.
Fry – "Tomorrow it is."
The next day, the gang gets together.
Fry – "Okay, that’s everything. You have to admit Professor, we gave the machine more
details than for our usual questions."
Farnsworth – "Yes, yes. Lets see what it can make of this. “What if, six months ago,
we were presented with the situation from run file Fry001. What would things be like today?”
What If machine:
Farnsworth - "Good News everyone, right after Amy’s going away party, we are delivering
Slurm to Alpha Persei 5. Amy, if you’d like, the crew could drop you off at Mars."
Amy - "No thanks Professor, my parents are planning on visiting Earth and then taking me back."
Professor – "Okay, you know we are all sorry to see your internship end."
Amy – "Me too professor, I’ll miss you guys."
At the going away party –
Lela comes up to Fry - "I know I have been ignoring you here. I’m not ready for public display just yet but I really have enjoyed our dates."
Fry – “I understand. You know you’ve made me very happy lately.”
Party ends – next scene Planet Express ship takes off.
Nearing the Alpha Persei:
Leela - “Something’s on the screen.”
Lrrr – "This is Lrrr ofOmicron Persei 8. What is your delivery?"
Leela - "Slurm to Alpha Persei 5"
Lrr - "They are our sworn enemy."
Leela – “Sorry Lrrr, we didn’t know that.”
Lrrr - "Ignorance is no excuse."
Blows the planet express ship and crew out of existence.
Lrrrr, to crewman – "Contact Earth, tell them of this incident and add that next time, it will not just be the delivery ship that gets destroyed."
Planet express office, the news is on.
Morbo - “Today, beings of Omicron Persei 8 gave the punny, insignificant earthlings a warning
to stay away from the entire Perseus system. To show their good faith they have decided to destroy the only the invading Planet
Express ship and not the rest of you, an oversight which my people will correct in due time.”
Linda – giggles
Video shows Planet Express Ship getting blown up. Professor and Hermes take in the news:
Hermes - "Because of our recent low accident rate, I was finally able to get us affordable
insurance. We will be able to build a much better ship. I'll put an ad in for a new crew and doctor."
Prof - "Dr.? What's wrong with Zoidberg?"
Hermes - "He was on board mon."
Farns – “He was?? I didn't recall that. That's too bad, he was a dear friend.”
Professor goes away.
Hermes - (to himself) "Ha, ya ol’ coot. Jus’ as I thought, he isn't sure of his own memory.”
Hermes goes in the other room and kills Zoidberg.
Hermes – “I'm so glad they didn't drop Amy off on Mars, or it would have been harder to get rid of that insufferable sea cow. Now there is no one around to contradict me.”
Scene shifts back to “realtime.”
Leela – "You call that accurate? Professor, if I wasn’t so horrified by that, I’d laugh."
Professor – "Garbage in-Garbage out."
Zoidberg – "How can you even think of eating at a time like this. Hermes, I thought you were
my friend. Okay, mortal enemy maybe, but in a nodding acquaintance sort of way."
Hermes – "Remind me to call our insurance agent, I bet those premiums should be reasonable by now."
Amy – "Hey, I hardly had a second thought when I renewed my internship last month. Okay,
maybe one tiny little thought. Besides, the machine got my hair all
wrong as well. No way would I pick that style. I’d get Leela
to fix my hair first."
Fry, to Leela - "Even the machine thinks you should have gone out with me by now!"
Just a little later:
Farnswoth - "Good News Everyone! We are delivering Slurm to Alpha Persei 5."
Everyone including Farnsworth gets a concerned look on his face.
Finally Zoidberg speaks up.
Zoidberg – "Hah, you won’t get Zoidberg this time Mr. “Jamacan the Ripper.” In this reality, with the ship I’ll go! Ha!"