Futurama

Fan Fiction

Amy's Wedding
By Kryten

Note: Takes place a few months after "Lookin’ for Snu-snu in All the Wrong Places". This story is NOT to be confused with Tim’s fanfic of the same name. No sirree.

Part 1: The Parent Rap

(Space. Flyby of a fancy outer-space restaurant. Cut to interior. Lots of couples out tonight. We focus on one in particular…)

Amy: I had a wonderful time, Kif.

Kif: Well, ah…

Amy: Now, I gotta go powder my nose. Why don’t you enjoy the view?

Kif: Um, ah, okay…

(She gets up and heads toward the females’ room. Surreptitiously, she slips her celphone out of her pocket…)

Amy (into celphone): The bird’s in the feeder. Initiate plan Alpha.

(Outside, the Planet Express Ship hangs in space. Interior: Fry, Leela and Bender on board.)

Leela: Okay, guys, launch the torpedoes!

(The ship launches a whole bunch of torpedoes. The first batch form a giant W.)

(In the restaurant, Kif’s attention is grabbed by the sudden burst of light. He looks outside. The torpedoes are spelling out WILL YOU MARR…)

(Interior of the PE ship. Fry and Bender fire the last of the charges. They hi-four.)

Fry: Woo! Didja see that? I was all "boom" an’ they were all "pow" an’ everyone’s gonna be all "awww" an’…

(Leela slaps her forehead in disgust)

Bender: What?

(Back inside, Kif watches the explosions. Kif POV: we now see what they spell: WILL YOU MARRY ME KIM. At another table, a young blond woman squeals in delight.)

Kim: Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! I will marry you, Henry!

Henry: B-but it’s only our first date…

Kim: Oh, why can’t you men commit?

(Amy rejoins Kif at the table, after watching her big proposal fizzle)

Kif: Did you see that?

Amy: Yeah, uh… Kif… that was supposed to be for you.

(Kif sputters in that entertaining way of his…)

Amy: So… will you marry me?

(Kif faints dead away)

Amy: Is… that a yes?

(Opening credits. Caption: In Looneyvision, where insane)

(Ext CGI shot, a hi-rise apartment building.)

(Interior: Fry & Leela’s new apartment. Everythings still boxed and slipcovered. Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg are helping Leela and Fry move in.)

(On Leela, Amy and Fry. Amy and Fry are unpacking stuff, Leela’s looking at paint samples.)

Leela: He said yes?

Amy: Well, first he said (imitates Kif’s sputtering) and then he said yes.

Leela: Did you set a date? Ooh… that color.

(On Bender)

Bender: Right… (He pours the paint down his throat, then, using his antenna like an aerosol trigger, sprays the ceiling…)

Amy: First I have to… (she shudders…)

Fry: Have to what?

Amy: Meet his parents.

Leela: It won’t be that bad.

Amy: Yes it will! Kif says his folks are really traditional and they disapprove of interspecies dating.

Leela: Oh…

Amy: Now, I’ve never asked you for anything at all in my…

Leela (rolling her eye): What do you want?

Amy: Do you and Fry wanna come to dinner at my parents’ house tomorrow night? I need someone there in my corner. Pretty please please please?

Leela: Do you promise to never again say "Pretty please please please"?

Amy: Anything! Just don’t leave me alone with two sets of parents!

Leela: Okay. Fry?

Fry: Do they still have the jacuzzi?

Amy: Uh huh.

Fry: I’m in.

Zoidberg: Are you sure you’re not rushing into things? He may have a lot of bad habits, like drinking paint…

Amy: If he does, I accept them…

Zoidberg: Oh.

(He glances at a can of paint… and starts guzzling it. He puts it down. Got paint?)

(CGI: The Wong Mansion (as seen in FC#3). The PE ship sets down on the lawn, possibly squashing a kangaroo.)

(Interior. The Butler (also seen in FC#3) answers the door. Fry’s wearing his good suit, Leela the green Titanic dress…)

Butler: Good evening, sir, ma’am… may I take your coats and burn them?

Leela: Just take them.

(Inez and Leo approach…)

Inez: Oh, hello, you’re Amy’s poor friends, right? How’s that working out?

Leela (barely concealed hostility): We manage.

Fry: The secret is to not pay bills.

(Amy joins them, wearing her black cocktail dress..)

Amy: Oh, good, you made it! (whispers) I owe you big for this…

Leela: And you will pay…

Amy: Now, if things get crazy, try to change the subject, OK?

Fry: OK.

(cut to parlor)

Leo: Since it’ll be awhile before the Krokers get here, we thought we’d show you some embarassing holograms of Amy…

Amy: Daaa-aad!

(Inez pulls out one of those family albums. She opens it, revealing a CD. She hands it to Leo, who slips it into a slot in the table. A projector within the table projects a picture of Amy, at around 18 months old, wearing her diaper on her head. Laughter from everyone except Amy.)

Inez: She was so adorable… oh, here she is being chased by the chickens…

Amy (getting red in the face): Muh-therrrr!

Leo: And here she is at her third birthday. The clown scared her and she tripped and fell in the cake!

(more laughs. Amy tries to disappear into the couch.)

Inez: And here’s the one…

Butler: Sorry to interrupt the humiliation of the young miss, but the Krokers have arrived…

(Enter Pitt and Marcet Kroker, and Pitt’s mother Percina. Very proper sorts, even more snooty than the Wongs, if such a thing is possible… )

Pitt (polite): So, which of you is the worthless tramp that my Kif wants to marry?

Fry (pointing at Amy): Right here.

Amy (nervous): Hi.

Marcet: Not much, is she…

Pitt: Now, now, I’m sure she has some sort of quality that would make Kif want to throw away thousands of years of tradition… perhaps the size of her breasts!

(Shocked reaction from the humans at the table…)

Marcet: But she only has two!

Percina (she sounds like the "pepperpot ladies" from Monty Python): Three’s a right proper number, it is! I don’t like her. Don’t like her ‘tall…

Inez (changing the subject): So, who wants dinner?

(The dinner table. Seated around the table are Inez, Leo, Fry, Leela, Pitt, Marcet, Percina, and Amy. Kif isn’t here yet.)

Leo: So, what do you to for a living?

Pitt: I’m the Chief Historian of Greenia. My wife is a professor of antiquities at Greenia University.

Leela: That must be fascinating.

Marcet: Greenia has a long, rich traditional history… which my son apparently cares nothing for. (looks pointedly at Amy)

Fry: Um… so, do you have tenure yet?

Pitt: What kind of hold do you have over him? Some sort of mind control, perhaps? Hypnosis?

Percina: She’s a witch, she is! A bleedin’ witch!

Leela: Uh… so, horrible weather we’re having, isn’t it? All this rain…

Marcet: That’s ridiculous. She’s obviously after his money.

Percina: She’s a bleedin’ gold-digger! After me poor Kifferson’s inheritance…

Amy: What?

Fry: Hey, this is a great side dish! What do you call it?

Inez: Rice.

Fry: Fascinating…

Pitt: So, you admit you’re only interested in his money?

Amy: No, of course not! I’m a billionaire! I don’t need anyone’s money!

Percina: It’s a trophy ‘usband she’s wantin’! She’ll use ‘im up and drop ‘im for some young stud…

Amy (to herself): Kif, where are you?

(Cut to Zapp’s bathroom)

Kif: But sir, I’ve scrubbed this toilet 14 times already!

Zapp: Scrub it again. I want to be able to see my face in that toilet. And do it quickly, lunch isn’t agreeing with me…

(Kif groans…)

(Cut back to dinner)

Amy: Look, I care a lot for Kif, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him!

Marcet: Until you get tired of him, right? I know your type…

Leela (clearing throat): So, who do you like in the Galaxy Series? I’m rooting for the Yankees. I hope they whip the Greenskins’ butts.

Leo (irritated): I own the Greenskins.

Leela: Well, it’s just a game after all.

Marcet: Well, we had a lovely time. Too bad your daughter had to be here…

Amy: That’s IT! I’ve been sitting here through the whole damn meal listening to you insult me! It’s obvious that nothing I do can convince you that I love your son. You know what? I don’t care! He knows how much I love him, and that’s all that matters!

Pitt: Unless we invoke the right of refusal.

Percina: Right, the right of refusal.

Marcet: We can forbid you from ever seeing him again!

(Gasp from the crowd)

Marcet: Of course, there’s the Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch…

Amy: What’s that?

Pitt: It’s a challenge that the prospective bride or groom must go through. If you survi—er, pass the challenge, then we cannot refuse you.

Marcet: But she’ll never agree to th—

Amy: Anything! I’ll do it!

Pitt/Marcet: Anything?

(Cut to an arena on the planet Greenia. A huge slavering monster is shackled to the ground. Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Farnsworth stare up at it.)

Amy: Eep.

Part 2: Flatch of the Titans

(Where we left them. The PE crew stare up at a big, nasty monster)

Amy: I have to fight that?

Leela: No, I think thats the mascot.

(An elderly Greenian priestess (think TPau in Amok Time) saunters up. She wears impressive robes and a fancy headdress)

Priestess: Which of thee is the one called Amy Wong?

(Amy sheepishly raises her hand)

Priestess: Thou hast agreed to the ceremony of Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch?

Amy: I have.

Priestess: Thou seek’st to win the hand of a Greenian in marriage?

Amy: I d-do…

Priestess: Art thou certain thee hast the courage?

Amy: I think so.

Priestess: Then though must prove thy courage on the field of battle: Thou must fight…. him.

(To where she is pointing. A large armored warrior stands there….)

Priestess: That one…

(Pan over to a bigger, more heavily armored guy…)

Priestess: … right there.

(Pan over to a small, wimpy-looking guy.)

Amy: **whew** Oh… him.

Priestess: Yes…. Right behind him.

(Pan behind the little wimpy guy…. to the largest, most heavily armored man we’ve ever seen. Not so much a man as a small mountain that has somehow sprouted arms and legs.

Bender: So… ya want dixieland or bebop at yer funeral?

Amy: Ai ya….

(Her eyes roll back in her head and she faints…)

(Opening credits. Caption: To make reruns new, bash head into screen now. Thanks to Chump for the gag.)

(Where we left off)

Zoidberg: Qvick, give her room. She must have an unobstructed path to her liver so she may photosynthesize!

Prof (genial chuckle): Of course not, you fool, she’s merely overwhelmed. Here (pulls out smelling salts): I keep these around so that I can be revived after my early-afternoon stroke. Here it comes now… (He passes out)

(Hermes takes the smelling salts and revives Amy. The Prof revives on his own.)

Prof: My, that was an interesting one…

Priestess: Thou hast one day to prepare. By sheer coincidence, the lengths of our days are exactly the same as thine. I suggest thou begin preparing now.

(She serenely drifts off…)

Amy: I’m boned.

(Meanwhile on the Nimbus)

Kif: Am I done yet, sir?

Zapp: I suppose. You may go now.

(Pull back. Zapp is in the tub, and Kif is makin’ with the loofah.)

Zapp: Oh, and some girl called and left a message for you.

Kif: What?!

Zapp: I doubt it was important, I mean, why would a woman call you? It was probably a telemarketer.

Kif (groan): I’ll take it in my quarters…

(Kif’s quarters. Kif is playing back the message, looking more concerned by the minute…)

Amy (onscreen): So, I’ve decided to accept the challenge of the Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch. I’m sure it’s nothing serious, and once it’s over, we can be together. I’ll call you. (air kiss) Bye!

Kif: Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch? But that means…. I have to stop her!

(Back on Greenia. The PE crew is having a meeting.)

Amy: What am I gonna do? There’s no way I have a chance of beating that guy!

(A messenger pokes his head in)

Messenger: Miss Wong, your uncle’s here.

Amy: My uncle?

(An elderly Asian man (who, by sheer coincidence, resembles “Uncle” from “The Jackie Chan Adventures”) enters, carrying a package)

Amy (brightening): It IS you! (runs to hug him)

Uncle (heavy accent): I bring you very, very important package.

(He opens it. Inside is a suit of light armor and a very cool sword.)

Uncle: This armor and sword belong to your honored ancestor, who wore them many moons ago when she starred in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon III: Curse of the Jade Fox”.

Amy: Wow.

Uncle: Use them to bring great honor to your family.

Amy: I will! Ooh… this is so cool….

Uncle: One more thing…. Don’t screw up!

(He leaves… Amy begins swinging the sword around experimentally)

Hermes: Be careful with dat thing, woman! You’re liable to injure someone who isn’t Zoidberg!

Zoidberg: Right, y… wait…

Amy: Aw, c’mon… who am I gonna hurt?

(All stare at her… then behind her. She looks where they’re staring. Behind her, Leela is holding her severed ponytail.)

Amy: Fl’oops.

(Meanwhile, we see that Kif has hitched a ride with robot Amish.)

Jebediah-7: Sure, we can take ye to the spaceport, but not all the way. ‘Tis a sinful place.

Ishmael-4: Very sinful.

Kif: Uh, can I ask a question?

Jebediah-7: Be it a sinful question?

Kif: It’s just… how can a robot join an anti-technology religion?

(Cut to Kif being tossed out of the buggy next to a sign that says “Spaceport: 50 miles”

Jebediah: Away with thee and thy sinful pointin’ out of situational irony!

(The buggy drives off.)

Kif: (groan) How do I get to the spaceport now?

(A hover-pickup drives by, with a redneck robot driving)

Bubba-bot: Where y’all goin’, city boy?

Kif: (sigh) The things I do for love….

(In another room)

Pitt: She has no chance.

Marcet: None of them do. And once we get rid of her, our Kifferson can marry that nice Glanzer girl from down the hall…

(Amy’s room. The PE crew, fueled by coffee, tries to think of a way to win.)

Hermes: I got it! When de armored mon comes for her, Amy falls on the floor and cries like a little girl!

Zoidberg: It’s so spineless, it just might vork!

Amy: I can’t do that. If I’m gonna wear this armor and use that sword, I need to act in a way that brings my family honor.

Leela (experimentally swinging the sword; it’s clear she knows what she’s doing): It’s a shame we can’t transfer my skills to her somehow…

Prof: Hmmm… maybe we can. Amy, I understand you want to be honorable, but how do you feel about cheating?

(Close-up on Amy. On her shoulders are Angel-Amy and Devil-Amy)

Angel-Amy: Cheating’s bad.

Devil-Amy: KILL YOUR NEIGHBORS!

Angel-Amy: You’re off-topic.

Devil-Amy: Oh, right, um…. You should cheat.

Amy: I’m OK with it.

Angel-Amy: M’eh, I tried. Let’s get some nachos.

Devil-Amy: Mmm, nachos….

(Ext. shot of the visitor’s compound, night. Fade…)

(Spaceport. Kif is at the counter for Greenia Spacelines)

Clerk: We have one seat left.

Kif: I’ll take it.

Clerk: In the “screaming baby” section.

Kif: Fine.

Clerk: The in-flight movie is “Dude, Where’s my Leviathan?”

Kif: Oh cruel fate, why do you mock me? (groan) I’ll take it.

(Morning at the visitors’ compound….)

(Int. Now we see Leela, wearing a bodysuit covered with circuits and blinking lights. )

Leela: So, how does this work, exactly?

Prof: How does what work?

Leela: The suit?

Prof: What suit?

Leela (groan): Never mind….

Prof: Now the way the suit works is, your movements are transferred to Amy via the linkamoscopic force-feedback circuitry. She’ll be wearing a similar suit under her armor. In addition, she’ll be wearing special contact lenses that’ll transfer what she sees to these goggles. And these ear inserts will allow you to hear what she hears.

Leela: It’s just insane enough to work!

Prof: So, do you agree to do it?

Leela: Well…

(Close up of Leela. Devil-Leela is on her shoulder.)

Devil-Leela: Um, sure, if it’s all right with…

(Angel-Leela appears. She’s a killer cyborg.)

Angel-Leela: Are you going behind my back?

Devil-Leela: No, of course not, not at all…. I’m scared of you.

Angel-Leela: We can’t stand in the way of true love, right?

Devil-Leela: Whatever you say, boss…

Leela: I’ll do it.

Prof: Finally, we’ll need a signal-booster. Say, Bender’s antenna.

(Close-up on Bender)

Devil-Bender: Let’s trip old ladies!

Angel-Bender: An’ take their wallets!

Bender: Okay.

(Soon…. In the arena. Lots of Greenians are gathered…)

(In the audience, we see Zoidberg and Bender. Hermes comes to sit next to them, carrying a large popcorn, which he starts eating.)

Zoidberg: Ah. I see you too are fond of puffed termite larvae?

Hermes: What? (looks closely at the “popcorn”) Oh, mon, I’m gonna be sicker than a green snake eatin’ poisoned sugar cane!

(He runs off to the men’s room)

Zoidberg: Pfft, your loss. More for Zoidberg! (He starts shoveling it in…)

(The Priestess enters the arena, followed by a retainer with a hand-gong.)

Priestess: We gather together for the sacred rite of Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch!

(The crowd roars. The gong-man gongs.)

Priestess: The challenger…. Amelia Wong of Mars.

Bender: “Amelia”?

(Amy enters, wearing the family armor and holding the sword.)

Priestess: Thou seek’st to earn the honor of Greenia, woman…. Now, thou must defeat our champion, Krona!

(Enter Krona, armored to the hilt and carrying a broadsword…)

Krona (special guest voice: Dolph Lundgren): I vill break you.

Priestess: The combat begins… now. First to disarm their opponent wins.

(The gong-man rings his gong.)

Priestess: Let the cool techno music begin!

(And it does. The two circle each other for a few moments. Krona swings the broadsword, Amy expertly dodges and strikes with her own sword, which Krona just barely dodges.)

(Cut to a remote room. We see Leela, wearing the suit from before. Her movement exactly matches Amy’s. Fry is next to her, watching the fight on a screen.)

Fry: Oooh, nice move!

Leela: Please, hon. Don’t distract me.

Fry: How’s that visiwhatsis working?

Leela: It’s weird… kinda like some things look closer and some look farther. Is that what it’s like when you have two… (she suddenly ducks, goes into a roll, and comes up in a pirrouette-slash with the sword. On the screen, we can see Amy coming out of the same maneuver. Leela picks up where she left off) eyes?

Fry: M’eh, never really noticed.

Leela: I guess you can take depth perception for granted when you’ve always had it.

Fry: Had what?

Leela (sighing): Never (quick jump backward) mind.

(Back in the arena, Amy continues to hold off Krona)

Krona: Vhy vill you not fall, puny voman?

(He raises his broadsword for a final blow…. He strikes, Amy dodges, swings the sword, and slices clean through the broadsword.)

Amy: Game… over. Hey, that was cool, I should write it down. (repeats, in dramatic voice) Game… over!

(Back in the room…)

Leela: I did it!

Fry: You did it!

(They jump up and down… and hug… and kiss…. And one thing leads to another….)

(And Leela’s every move is being broadcast to Amy. She starts writhing uncontrollably…)

Priestess: Be she posessed?

(Two retainers grab Amy. (They discover the circuitry under her suit.)

Retainer: She’s a cheat!

Priestess: What? This is an outrage! She must be punished! Death by beheading!

(A shocked gasp goes through the audience. Amy is dragged to the chopping block.)

Amy: I did it all for love! I regret nothing! …except being killed.

(She whimpers in fear)

Kif (OS) Wait!

(He runs into the arena, panting…)

Priestess: What is the meaning of this?

Kif: This whole thing is a sham! There’s no such thing as Kal-ToPar-Ni-Flatch!

(Quick reaction-shots)

Amy: What?

Fry: What?

Zoidberg: What?

Prof: What?

Leela: What?

Hermes: What?

Bender: Y’mean they ain’t killin’ her? Aw, y’never get yer money’s worth at these things.

Kif: “Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch” means “Let’s screw over the new guy!”

Priestess: I… I dost not know what thou art….

Kif: Oh, knock it off, Aunt Erk.

Priestess/Erk (now with a Lunchlady Doris voice): Really, we’re just trying to scare her off. No harm done.

Amy: So this was just hazing?

Marcet: Of course. Why, this axe is just a fake.

(She demonstrates on a watermelon… which splits easily.)

(Everyone stares…)

Marcet (insincere): Oh, my, how did that happen?

Pitt: Well, your girlfriend has certainly impressed us with her devotion.

Kif: Does this mean you accept her?

Pitt: Of course not.

Marcet: In fact, we’ve decided to disown you.

(Kif groans)

Marcet: You have twenty minutes to get off the planet. See ya!

(Amy puts a sympathetic arm around Kif. They walk off the field…)

(Flyby of the ship)

Leela: We’re really sorry, Amy.

Amy: It’s all right. I know what those feelings are like…(She draws Kif closer) And with your parents out of the picture, nothing can stand in our way!

Part 3: You Are Cordially Invited

(Opening credits. Caption: From the network that cancelled Family Guy)

(Ext.: shot, PE building. Interior, the meeting table.)

Hermes: Now, in honor of your upcoming wedding, Amy, I’d like to present you with this cream-filled cupcake, this free bathroom break voucher, and the standard celebratory noisemaker-blowing. (blows on a noisemaker)

Zoidberg: Are you finishing that, maybe?

(Amy sighs, passes her loot to Zoidberg)

Zoidberg: Hooray, a delicious cupcake! (scarfs it) And a delicious bathroom voucher! (eats that too) And a… (goes for the noisemaker)

Hermes: No you don’t! That’s the company noisemaker!

(He snatches it away)

Zoidberg: Awwww…

Amy: Anyway, Leela and I are going to get fitted for our dresses. Wanna come with?

Fry: Sure.

Bender: We’d love t’ go. Y’know what else we’d love to do? Jam sharp things in our eyes!

Fry: And then, we could bathe in acid!

Leela: Okay, fine, we get it. You don’t want to go…

Fry: It’s not that we don’t wanna go, it’s just that we’d rather do everything else first!

(Enter the Professor)

Prof: Good news, everyone! You’re going to the Planet of Horrible, Agonizing Death!

(For several seconds, the two men weigh their options.)

Both: Oh, all right, wedding dresses…

(Meanwhile… )

(Flyby of the Nimbus passing a cool CGI nebula)

(Int. The bridge)

Zapp: Captain’s Log. Stardate… today. Point four. We’re fresh from our victory against the Dweeb People of Pencilneck-8. Morale is higher than ever, with crew suicides down nearly ten percent.

Kif: Sir, you’re talking into your pen.

Zapp: Yes, my special log-recording pen.

Kif: No, it’s just a pen.

Zapp: No matter.

Kif: Uh… sir? I have a question…

Zapp: Make it quick. I feel some pontificating coming on.

Kif: I was wondering if I could have Valentine’s Day off. I’m… getting married.

(Zapp laughs pompously)

Zapp: You never cease to amuse me, Kif. Seriously…

Kif: I am serious!

Zapp: Reallly?

Kif: Here’s her picture.

(He takes out a wallet, flips open the picture compartment, and flicks a tiny switch that makes a Princess Leia-esque hologram pop up.)

Zapp: So, this isn’t a joke.

Kif: No.

Zapp: You’re actually getting married to this lovely young woman.

Kif: I am, sir…

Zapp: She has a terminal disease, right? Or she’s really a man. Or she has some sort of deformity… say, a vestigial tail.

Kif: No…

Zapp: I see. Well, then, the answer is yes. I will be GLAD to be your best man!

Kif: Uh…

Zapp: And I’ll make sure you get no more than five demerits for taking Valentine’s day off… six.

Kif: **groan**

(Ext: Ridiculously Expensive Bridal. A sign in the window says “Free divorce pants with purchase of wedding dress.)

(Interior: Amy, Leela, and Inez are led down a corridor by the clerkbot. Fry and Bender slink behind them, looking like they’re being led to their own execution. Soon, they’re led into a huge empty room.

Fry (sarcastic) Wow, check out the selection….

Clerk: Body type?

Amy: Standard humanoid, sir.

(From nowhere, several racks of wedding gowns fly into view. Think the “armory” scene in The Matrix )

Clerk: Now, let’s see how you’d look in some of these…

Inez: Ooh, how about this one?

(She indicates a design that makes Taliban fashions look downright risqué. )

Amy: Mom, I’m marrying Kif, not Jesus.

Inez: Hey, you had your chance with him. But he marry that showgirl in Vegas.

Amy: What about this one?

(We see Amy has on a… well, you can’t really call it a “gown”, since it’s basically a white two-piece bathing suit with a see-thru train and veil… )

Leela: I swear, that’s the most tastless thing I’ve ever seen. (elbows Fry) Right?

(Pan back, Fry’s goggle-eyed, his jaw hanging open, drooling)

Inez: You take that thing off this minute!

Fry (praying): Oh please oh please oh please oh please…

Inez: In the dressing room…

Fry: Awwww…

Bender: I can’t b’lieve Leela’s lettin’ you get away with gawkin’ at other girls.

Leela: It’s okay, I realize his eyes tend to roam. He’d better keep his hands on me, though…. If he wants to keep his hands.

Clerk: Perhaps the madame would like to look at our selection of bridesmaid’s dresses?

(On cue, a rack of some of the most garish taffeta concoctions ever created zooms into view)

Leela: Ew!

Clerk: We have a variety of colors… Mylanta Green, Pepto Bismol Pink, Metamucil Peach, Lanicane Lavender….

Leela: How… descriptive.

Clerk: The drug companies have had a LOT of influence on fashion ever since the Pfizer/Calvin Klein War of 2073.

Amy (O/S): Hey, Leela! How about this?

(Cut to, and pan up from the legs, Amy in the most beautiful bridal gown ever seen. It’s a pink-tinged white, made of silk with microscopic pearls woven into the fabric. )

Fry: Holy Kamoley, that must cost a fortune.

Inez: Oh, it’s nothing, we just sell one of our moons.

Amy: Did you find a good bridesmaid’s gown, Leela?

Leela: Not really… let’s go.

Clerk: Are you sure you don’t want to try Kaopectate Yellow?

(Montage to the tune of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding”: The Wongs rent a hall… Radio City Mutant Hall. Leela tries on more ugly gowns. The Wongs approve Elzar’s menu. The guys try on tuxes. Calender pages fly by in the foreground as Leela tries on even more ugly gowns. The Wongs admire a huge cake… which collapses on itself as Zoidberg eats it from the inside)

(Finally, the day draws near…)

(O’Zorgnax’s…)

Amy: I can’t believe I’m getting married in two days!

Leela: I can’t believe I found a gown that didn’t make me wanna vomit.

Amy (sipping Pina Collada): Wonder what the guys are doing.

Leela: Probably some drunken, debauched Bacchanal at some sleazy bar.

(Cut to the guys at a dignified tea party.)

Fry: I say, have you read the latest from Hemmingway’s head?

Zapp: I found the use of description fascinating…

Bender: Okay, that’s enough o’ that. (he turns off a hidden camera) Let’s start the drunken, debauched Bacchanal.

(The backdrop collapses, and they’re revealed to be at a sleazy bar.)

Hermes: Let’s party like a green snake on sugary cocaine!

(They all get liquored up and start dancing, all except Kif, who sits there and sighs.)

Zapp: Kif, your air of melancholia is seriously harshing our mellow. I order you to party like you mean it!

Kif: Please sir… do I have to?

Zapp: As a man about to enter into the sacredness of marriage, it is your even more sacred duty to act like a complete jackass the night before!

(Zoidberg shuffles by with an attractive squidlike female)

Zoidberg: Bender spoke the truth! Alcohol has made me attractive!

Zapp: See? If a creature that repulsive can find a floozy to dance with, surely you can.

Kif: But I don’t want to be with another woman! Tomorrow, I’m marrying the most beautiful one!

Zapp: Kif, I’m shocked. Remaining loyal to only one woman? That’s not what marriage is about! Now, as your commanding officer… I order you to get wasted!

(Kif groans and begins half-heartedly carousing.)

Zapp: There you go.

(The next day… it’s the big day!)

(Ext. shot: Manhattan Interfaith Chapel)

(Sign outside: TONIGHT: KROKER / WONG WEDDING

TOMORROW: KRAGZOX / ZERGTRON RITUAL BRAIN-EATING)

(Interior: Bridal dressing room Amy, Inez and Leela put on the finishing touches.)

Inez: I never thought this day would come! Really, I didn’t. You know statistics for marriage over age 22.

Amy: Mooooom…

Inez: Oh, don’t mind me… it your big day! … well, mine actually. You just window dressing.

Amy: Moooooom….

Inez: Just kidding! You no have sense of humor?

(enter Leo)

Leo: Hey, where my favorite daughter, who making big fat mistake?

Inez: Leo. Behave!

Leo: Hey, just a joke! My only daughter marrying squishy green loser! It’s happiest day of my life!

Amy: Daddy, if you ruin this for me, I swear, I’ll get my tubes tied!

Daddy: You wouldn’!

Amy: WATCH ME.

Leo: Smeesh, okay okay. I shut up now.

Leela: So… who are the other bridesmaids?

Amy: Oh, right… c’mon.

(She leads her to another room. We recognize one of the women here. A second one looks like she could be related. The third resembles a female version of the orange hair monster from WB cartoons.)

Amy: I think you remember Michelle, right? She goes to my health club.

Leela/ Michelle (chilly): Charmed.

Amy: This is my cousin, Tricia…

Tricia: Hey… you’re Leela, right? Amy’s always talking about you!

Leela: (blushing): Really?

Tricia: Yeah… (whispers): Her nose isn’t THAT big…

Amy: SHHHH!!!

(Leela glares)

Amy: And finally… this is my sorority sister, Krrrrg.

Krrrrg: FRIEND!!

Leela: (chuckle): Uh, right… Amy… one question. If I’m the maid of honor, who’s the best man?

Amy: Well… he, wasn’t exactly my choice, but…

(sudden realization…)

Leela: Oh, GOD no.

Zapp (OC): Well, well, well…

(Zapp struts in)

Zapp: It seems fate has thrown us together once ag—

(Leela punches him. Zapp, taken by surprise, falls backward, hits his head, and is knocked unconscious.)

Leela (sheepish): Ooops.

(Exterior of the chapel, later. Interior: Zapp’s lying unconscious on one of the couches. The whole gang is gathered.)

Inez: Good going, eyeball girl. You want to ruin wedding some more? Kill preacher, maybe?

Prof: Yes, then I can build a better preacher. Four hundred feet tall, with seventeen heads and electric tentacles that spray acid… (he trails off incohererently…)

Leela: I panicked, okay?

Inez: Just because you never gonna get married, you wanna wreck things for everyone else?

Fry: Now, let’s not be hasty. If the movie “Weekend at Bernie’s” has taught us anything, and it has, it’s how to stage an elaborate and hilarious farce with an inanimate body. All we need is some duct tape and a few ropes.

Amy: Couldn’t we just get a replacement?

Kif: But who? I have no friends and my relatives won’t talk to me… The closest person to me, would probably be…

Zoidberg: You don’t have to ask me twice. I’ll be glad to have the honor, why not?

Kif: I was talking about Fry.

Fry: Sure, what the heck.

Zoidberg: Always with the neglecting of Zoidberg! (He sobs uncontrollably, then abruptly stops) I still get food, right? The hors d’oeveurs just didn’t cut it.

Leo: We no put out hrs d’oeveurs y—the flowers!

(he starts running out)

Cubert: Please, this is all like some sort of bad romantic Meg Ryan’s head movie.. what’s next, the bride gets cold feet and runs out?

(The wedding march can be heard starting….)

Amy: Oh my god, I’m so nervous… I… I… Oh, forget it, let’s get married.

(The wedding party marches down the aisle… Hermes and Tricia, Bender and Krrrrg, Zoidberg and a frightened-looking Michelle, Leela and Fry, Cubert with the ring, and finally, Kif and Amy. They all take their places.)

Preacher: Dearly beloved… we are gathered here today to witness the union of Amelia Lin-Mei Wong and Kiffington Esplanade Kroker.

(Bender and Fry crack up at that last name. The preacher zaps them with a cattle prod.)

Fry: Hey!

Preacher: Don’t give me no crap, boy. I got twenty-three more o’ these today. Now then… do you, Kiffington Kroker, take Amelia Wong to be your lawful bride, in sickness, health, stasis, slime pits, or whatever, just… do you?

Kif: I do.

Preacher: And do you, Amelia Wong, take Kiffington Kroker for all the same crap I just said?

Amy: G’uh.

Preacher: I’ll take that as a “yes”.

Cubert: Now, watch. Something’s about to happen. She’ll get scared and run out, or he’ll get scared and run out, or the ring’ll get lost…

Preacher: So, by the power vested in me by some government guy, I now pronounce you…

(Suddenly, RJ busts in on one of those horse-things. He lassos Amy and rides off with her.)

Amy: Kif, help!

(exit RJ)

Cubert: That’s a new one.

Inez: My baby! That rotten jerk take my girl!

Leo: Shhh… he the good one! Maybe she marry him instead?

(A dazed Zapp wanders in…)

Zapp: So… when’s the ceremony?

Inez: Leo, he just run off with our only daughter! Do something!

Leo: All right, all right, keep your pants on!

(He turns to the wedding planners, who we recognize as David and Gwen, the owners of Romanticorp)

Leo: You promise no surprise kidnapping! I want my money back!

David: I believe you signed the normal contract, which only covers EXPECTED kidnappings. (sickeningly cute voice) Isn’t that cowwect, pwecious?

Gwen: It sure is, snoogie-oogums…

Bender (nudging Leela): Right now’s about the time I wish I had a stomach… so I could puke.

Leela: Mmm-hm.

Inez: That not what I mean, cheap bastard! Do something to get my daughter back!

Leo: All right, fine. You… dimwit delivery boy, one-eye weirdo, walking toaster! You get her.

Prof: Wait! Instead of sending those guys, send Fry, Leela and Bender!

Hermes: But we still have deliveries tomorrow! And now I have nobody to make them except…

Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally, authority for Zoidberg!

Hermes: **sigh** Fine, but don’t take the ship. You get the dinghy.

(pause)

Zoidberg: Hooray!

Kif: Uh, what about me?

Leo: You? You scrawny little nothing. You no good for rescue. You good for light housework, or maybe doing taxes.

Zapp: Yes, you leave the rescue work to the real men.

(Kif gets steamed)

Kif: No! I’m going to rescue her! And I’ll do it without any help, from anyone!

(He storms out of the chapel.)

(A beat…)

(He comes back in…)

Kif: Uh… I need a ride.

(CGI: RJ’s ship, which looks like a futuristic covered wagon, pulled by space horses.)

(Interior: Joe’s flying the ship, Amy’s tied to a chair, RJ’s holding a gun on her)

Amy: You are SO not invited to the reception.

RJ: Watch it, darlin’. You’re talkin’ to your future husband.

Amy: Husband? I’m not sure why I even went out with you! Your breath stinks, your teeth are disgusting, and you can’t climb up a flight of stairs without gl’asping for breath!

RJ: It don’t matter, baby. What does matter is that I love you and the additives in my cigarettes have made me completely insane.

(He suddenly bursts into laughter, then stops.)

Amy: Forget it! You can’t make anyone get married against their will!

RJ: Actually, we’re headed for the one planet where they WILL let me do it. Joe, set course for… Vegas 69!

(Off they blast…)

(Meanwhile, elsewhere in the universe…)

Leela: I’ve picked up the trail!

Kif: Using the other ship’s tachyon emissions?

Leela: Well… they ARE emissions. Of a sort.

(Some space horse poop hits the screen.)

Fry: Ew!

Bender: Eh. I’ve put worse stuff in my goulash. (brightens) That reminds me… I made goulash!

Leela: According to the poopometer, those horses are heading for **gasp** Vegas 69!

Fry (gasp): He’s gonna make her watch bad drag queen revues!

Leela: Even worse… Vegas 69 is the forced-marriage capital of the universe!

Kif: No… I can’t let him take my love!

(He pushes Leela aside and hits full throttle… Fry, Leela, and Bender splat against the back wall.)

All: OW!

Kif: Yes! I’m closing the distance!

Fry (weak): I landed on my keys…

(Menawhile, on the Conestoga…)

Joe: There’s, like, a ship gainin’ on us, daddy-o.

RJ (to himself): Great. You had to get the only horse-drawn starship in the lot. You couldn’t get the one with the hyperdrive, nooo…

Joe: So what’s the plan, baby?

RJ: Just hold out. We’re almost there.

(CGI: Vegas 69, the tackiest planet in the universe. Cut to the Conestoga landing in front of the "Our Lady of the Perpetual Stomach Cramps" chapel. RJ rushes in, dragging a struggling (and still tied-up) Amy behind him. )

(Meanwhile, we see the PE ship approaching the chapel from above…)

Kif: It’s too late! They’re already inside! I have to get down there now!

Bender: Okay.

(He flips a switch. A trap door opens under Kif and he drops out.)

Bender: Heh heh heh.

(Kif plummets downward, landing spread-eagled on the chapel skylight)

Kif: Uggggghhh….

(meanwhile, inside…)

Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your forcibly-wedded wife?

RJ: Sure’s shootin’, podner. (exhales smoke)

Preacher: And do you, whoever you are?

Amy: No!

Preacher: Tough noogies. I now pro-

(Thump thump)

Kif (from above): MISS WONG!!!

(They look up)

Kif (from the skylight): MISS WONG!!!!

Amy: Kif!

RH: Don’t worry, baby, I’ll have security get rid of him.

Preacher: Actually, according to the Dustin Hoffman Act of 2733, I have to call off the wedding now.

RJ: You ornery cuss! You get down here now!

(Kif slides off the roof. A thump and a groan can be heard outside…)

(Kif comes stumbling in…)

Amy: I knew you’d come for me!

Kif: I’m in a lot of pain…

RJ: Not as much pain as you’re gonna be!

Amy: No! I forbid you to touch him!

(She tries to stop him, but falls over because her feet are still tied)

RJ: If you want her, you’re gonna have to go through me.

Amy: You can’t talk to him like that!

RJ: Why not? Ain’t no way he can stop me. I hold all the cards here!

Leela (O/S) Freeze!

(RJ pulls his gun on Leela, who’s holding a gun on him. For a while they stand there…)

Leela: Drop it.

RJ: You first.

Leela: After you.

RJ: I insi- OWW!

(pull back to reveal that Amy’s biting his ankle)

Leela: Ha! (aims)

Joe (behind her): Not so fast…

(pull back to see he’s holding a gun on her…)

Fry (behind him): A double "not so fast" on you!

(Pull back even further to reveal… you guessed it. Fry, with a gun.)

Preacher: This is why I left Texas.

(enter Bender)

Bender: Don’t mind me, just comin’ through, don’t let me keep ya from killin’ each other…

(He helps himself to the collection plate…)

Leela: Well, this isn’t getting us anywhere.

RJ: Dang right. So how’s about. Kif an’ me settle this like real men.

Kif: I beg your pardon?

RJ: We’s gonna have ourselves an old-time gen-u-wine Western gunfight. Right here, in Vegas-69’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Coyboy Town. **pause** I hate that name.

Amy: Don’t do it, Kif! You’ll be killed!

Bender: He’ll do it! So, when’s it happen?

RJ: Dawn tomorrow. And y’all better show up, or you’ll be branded an even bigger sissy then ya already are.

(The next morning… a street straight outta "High Noon". Kif and RJ slowly walk toward each other. You can cut the tension with a knife. Not a cheap plastic knife either. You need a good Ginsu knife.)

(Amy comes running up to Kif)

Amy: Kif, please… you don’t have to go through this for me!

Kif: Uh… I don’t? Good.

RJ: QUIT STALLIN’!

Kif: **gulp** Yessir.

(They continue to march toward each other. )

RJ: One… twoDRAW!

(Before Kif has a chance to react, RJ fires. Bullet time: The bullets fly forward slowly, a la guess which famous movie. Quick cuts… reactions from everyone, interspersed with scenes of the bullets flying forward...)

Bender: What the hell is TAKING so long?

(Pull back to overhead shot… the bullets have moved maybe three feet. )

RJ: Dang… I knew I shouldn’t’ve brought slow bullets.

(The bullets slowly move forward… Kif bends backward under them. Mosic from you-know-which-movie plays. Kif leaps the distance between the two of them and triple-spin-kicks his head, then a forward flip and a reverse spin-kick to his back and --)

Amy: Kif!

(Kif snaps out of his daydream. He dodges the bullets by rolling into a ball. The bullets fly past and toward an oblivious sandwich-eating Fry)

Leela: Fry! The bullets!

Fry: What bullets?

(The bullets hit him and bounce of harmlessly.)

Fry: **gasp** This sandwich turned me into Superman!

RJ: Shoot… I knew these things were no good.

(He runs off… and is crushed to death by a huge crate of cigarettes.)

(Leela’s WU goes off)

Leela: My irony detector’s off the scale!

Fry: See, Bender? I told you they’re bad!

Bender: Ah, c’mon! You can NOT prove that cigarettes killed this man!

(A dinky little beat-up shuttle crashes next to them. Zoidberg stumbles out.)

Zoidberg: Delivery’s done, let’s go get thermidored, why not.

(Back to Kif, curled up in a ball. Amy comes running up)

Amy: Kif, are you okay?

Kif (uncurling): Is it over?

Amy (hugging him): You were so brave! And I didn’t know you could do that ball thing. (whisper) You can use it tonight.

(Kif sputters)

(Back at the chapel…)

Preacher: If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever -

Bender: I object!

(a hush)

Bender: Heh heh, nah, I’m just kiddin’. Keep goin’.

Preacher: Then, by the power invested in me by the Bureau of Investing Power…

Hermes (whispers): I created that bureau, back when I worked for the Bureau of Making More Bureaus.

Preacher: …I now pronounce you woman and funny green thing. You may now kiss the bride… or whatever. I don’t even care anymore.

(Wedding music plays, as Amy and Kif kiss. Then, Amy tosses the bouquet. The women fight for position… Leela takes out two of them with karate kicks and gets in front, but Zoidberg jumps in front of her and catches it, mouth first. The happy couple now runs down the aisle and out the chapel, into a waiting hovercar (Slurm cans, streamers, and Tinny Tim are tied to the rear bumper), and blast off. Heart wipe, and credits (over which, "Chapel of Love" plays).

Special thanks to Brad, Paul, and Andy.

Buddies