Note: Takes place a few months after "Lookin’ for Snu-snu in All the
Wrong Places". This story is NOT to be confused with Tim’s fanfic of the
same name. No sirree.
Part 1: The Parent Rap
(Space. Flyby of a fancy outer-space restaurant. Cut to interior. Lots of couples
out tonight. We focus on one in particular…)
Amy: I had a wonderful time, Kif.
Kif: Well, ah…
Amy: Now, I gotta go powder my nose. Why don’t you enjoy the view?
Kif: Um, ah, okay…
(She gets up and heads toward the females’ room. Surreptitiously, she slips
her celphone out of her pocket…)
Amy (into celphone): The bird’s in the feeder. Initiate plan Alpha.
(Outside, the Planet Express Ship hangs in space. Interior: Fry, Leela and
Bender on board.)
Leela: Okay, guys, launch the torpedoes!
(The ship launches a whole bunch of torpedoes. The first batch form a giant
(In the restaurant, Kif’s attention is grabbed by the sudden burst of light.
He looks outside. The torpedoes are spelling out WILL YOU MARR…)
(Interior of the PE ship. Fry and Bender fire the last of the charges. They
Fry: Woo! Didja see that? I was all "boom" an’ they were all "pow"
an’ everyone’s gonna be all "awww" an’…
(Leela slaps her forehead in disgust)
(Back inside, Kif watches the explosions. Kif POV: we now see what they spell:
WILL YOU MARRY ME KIM. At another table, a young blond woman squeals in delight.)
Kim: Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! I will marry you, Henry!
Henry: B-but it’s only our first date…
Kim: Oh, why can’t you men commit?
(Amy rejoins Kif at the table, after watching her big proposal fizzle)
Kif: Did you see that?
Amy: Yeah, uh… Kif… that was supposed to be for you.
(Kif sputters in that entertaining way of his…)
Amy: So… will you marry me?
(Kif faints dead away)
Amy: Is… that a yes?
(Opening credits. Caption: In Looneyvision, where insane)
(Ext CGI shot, a hi-rise apartment building.)
(Interior: Fry & Leela’s new apartment. Everythings still boxed and slipcovered.
Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg are helping Leela and Fry move in.)
(On Leela, Amy and Fry. Amy and Fry are unpacking stuff, Leela’s looking at
Leela: He said yes?
Amy: Well, first he said (imitates Kif’s sputtering) and then he said
Leela: Did you set a date? Ooh… that color.
Bender: Right… (He pours the paint down his throat, then, using his antenna
like an aerosol trigger, sprays the ceiling…)
Amy: First I have to… (she shudders…)
Fry: Have to what?
Amy: Meet his parents.
Leela: It won’t be that bad.
Amy: Yes it will! Kif says his folks are really traditional and they disapprove
of interspecies dating.
Amy: Now, I’ve never asked you for anything at all in my…
Leela (rolling her eye): What do you want?
Amy: Do you and Fry wanna come to dinner at my parents’ house tomorrow night?
I need someone there in my corner. Pretty please please please?
Leela: Do you promise to never again say "Pretty please please please"?
Amy: Anything! Just don’t leave me alone with two sets of parents!
Leela: Okay. Fry?
Fry: Do they still have the jacuzzi?
Amy: Uh huh.
Fry: I’m in.
Zoidberg: Are you sure you’re not rushing into things? He may have a lot of
bad habits, like drinking paint…
Amy: If he does, I accept them…
(He glances at a can of paint… and starts guzzling it. He puts it down. Got
(CGI: The Wong Mansion (as seen in FC#3). The PE ship sets down on the lawn,
possibly squashing a kangaroo.)
(Interior. The Butler (also seen in FC#3) answers the door. Fry’s wearing his
good suit, Leela the green Titanic dress…)
Butler: Good evening, sir, ma’am… may I take your coats and burn them?
Leela: Just take them.
(Inez and Leo approach…)
Inez: Oh, hello, you’re Amy’s poor friends, right? How’s that working out?
Leela (barely concealed hostility): We manage.
Fry: The secret is to not pay bills.
(Amy joins them, wearing her black cocktail dress..)
Amy: Oh, good, you made it! (whispers) I owe you big for this…
Leela: And you will pay…
Amy: Now, if things get crazy, try to change the subject, OK?
(cut to parlor)
Leo: Since it’ll be awhile before the Krokers get here, we thought we’d show
you some embarassing holograms of Amy…
(Inez pulls out one of those family albums. She opens it, revealing a CD. She
hands it to Leo, who slips it into a slot in the table. A projector within the
table projects a picture of Amy, at around 18 months old, wearing her diaper
on her head. Laughter from everyone except Amy.)
Inez: She was so adorable… oh, here she is being chased by the chickens…
Amy (getting red in the face): Muh-therrrr!
Leo: And here she is at her third birthday. The clown scared her and she tripped
and fell in the cake!
(more laughs. Amy tries to disappear into the couch.)
Inez: And here’s the one…
Butler: Sorry to interrupt the humiliation of the young miss, but the Krokers
(Enter Pitt and Marcet Kroker, and Pitt’s mother Percina. Very proper sorts,
even more snooty than the Wongs, if such a thing is possible… )
Pitt (polite): So, which of you is the worthless tramp that my Kif wants to
Fry (pointing at Amy): Right here.
Amy (nervous): Hi.
Marcet: Not much, is she…
Pitt: Now, now, I’m sure she has some sort of quality that would make Kif want
to throw away thousands of years of tradition… perhaps the size of her breasts!
(Shocked reaction from the humans at the table…)
Marcet: But she only has two!
Percina (she sounds like the "pepperpot ladies" from Monty Python):
Three’s a right proper number, it is! I don’t like her. Don’t like her ‘tall…
Inez (changing the subject): So, who wants dinner?
(The dinner table. Seated around the table are Inez, Leo, Fry, Leela, Pitt,
Marcet, Percina, and Amy. Kif isn’t here yet.)
Leo: So, what do you to for a living?
Pitt: I’m the Chief Historian of Greenia. My wife is a professor of antiquities
at Greenia University.
Leela: That must be fascinating.
Marcet: Greenia has a long, rich traditional history… which my son apparently
cares nothing for. (looks pointedly at Amy)
Fry: Um… so, do you have tenure yet?
Pitt: What kind of hold do you have over him? Some sort of mind control, perhaps?
Percina: She’s a witch, she is! A bleedin’ witch!
Leela: Uh… so, horrible weather we’re having, isn’t it? All this rain…
Marcet: That’s ridiculous. She’s obviously after his money.
Percina: She’s a bleedin’ gold-digger! After me poor Kifferson’s inheritance…
Fry: Hey, this is a great side dish! What do you call it?
Pitt: So, you admit you’re only interested in his money?
Amy: No, of course not! I’m a billionaire! I don’t need anyone’s money!
Percina: It’s a trophy ‘usband she’s wantin’! She’ll use ‘im up and drop ‘im
for some young stud…
Amy (to herself): Kif, where are you?
(Cut to Zapp’s bathroom)
Kif: But sir, I’ve scrubbed this toilet 14 times already!
Zapp: Scrub it again. I want to be able to see my face in that toilet. And
do it quickly, lunch isn’t agreeing with me…
(Cut back to dinner)
Amy: Look, I care a lot for Kif, and I want to spend the rest of my life with
Marcet: Until you get tired of him, right? I know your type…
Leela (clearing throat): So, who do you like in the Galaxy Series? I’m rooting
for the Yankees. I hope they whip the Greenskins’ butts.
Leo (irritated): I own the Greenskins.
Leela: Well, it’s just a game after all.
Marcet: Well, we had a lovely time. Too bad your daughter had to be here…
Amy: That’s IT! I’ve been sitting here through the whole damn meal listening
to you insult me! It’s obvious that nothing I do can convince you that I love
your son. You know what? I don’t care! He knows how much I love him, and that’s
all that matters!
Pitt: Unless we invoke the right of refusal.
Percina: Right, the right of refusal.
Marcet: We can forbid you from ever seeing him again!
(Gasp from the crowd)
Marcet: Of course, there’s the Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch…
Amy: What’s that?
Pitt: It’s a challenge that the prospective bride or groom must go through.
If you survi—er, pass the challenge, then we cannot refuse you.
Marcet: But she’ll never agree to th—
Amy: Anything! I’ll do it!
(Cut to an arena on the planet Greenia. A huge slavering monster is shackled
to the ground. Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Farnsworth stare
up at it.)
Part 2: Flatch of the Titans
(Where we left them. The PE crew stare up at a big, nasty monster)
Amy: I have to fight that?
Leela: No, I think thats the mascot.
(An elderly Greenian priestess (think TPau in Amok Time) saunters up. She wears
impressive robes and a fancy headdress)
Priestess: Which of thee is the one called Amy Wong?
(Amy sheepishly raises her hand)
Priestess: Thou hast agreed to the ceremony of Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch?
Amy: I have.
Priestess: Thou seekst to win the hand of a Greenian in marriage?
Amy: I d-do
Priestess: Art thou certain thee hast the courage?
Amy: I think so.
Priestess: Then though must prove thy courage on the field of battle: Thou
(To where she is pointing. A large armored warrior stands there
Priestess: That one
(Pan over to a bigger, more heavily armored guy
(Pan over to a small, wimpy-looking guy.)
Amy: **whew** Oh
. Right behind him.
(Pan behind the little wimpy guy
. to the largest, most heavily armored
man weve ever seen. Not so much a man as a small mountain that has somehow
sprouted arms and legs.
ya want dixieland or bebop at yer funeral?
Amy: Ai ya
(Her eyes roll back in her head and she faints
(Opening credits. Caption: To make reruns new, bash head into screen now. Thanks
to Chump for the gag.)
(Where we left off)
Zoidberg: Qvick, give her room. She must have an unobstructed path to her liver
so she may photosynthesize!
Prof (genial chuckle): Of course not, you fool, shes merely overwhelmed.
Here (pulls out smelling salts): I keep these around so that I can be revived
after my early-afternoon stroke. Here it comes now
(He passes out)
(Hermes takes the smelling salts and revives Amy. The Prof revives on his own.)
Prof: My, that was an interesting one
Priestess: Thou hast one day to prepare. By sheer coincidence, the lengths
of our days are exactly the same as thine. I suggest thou begin preparing now.
(She serenely drifts off
Amy: Im boned.
(Meanwhile on the Nimbus)
Kif: Am I done yet, sir?
Zapp: I suppose. You may go now.
(Pull back. Zapp is in the tub, and Kif is makin with the loofah.)
Zapp: Oh, and some girl called and left a message for you.
Zapp: I doubt it was important, I mean, why would a woman call you? It was
probably a telemarketer.
Kif (groan): Ill take it in my quarters
(Kifs quarters. Kif is playing back the message, looking more concerned
by the minute
Amy (onscreen): So, Ive decided to accept the challenge of the Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch.
Im sure its nothing serious, and once its over, we can be
together. Ill call you. (air kiss) Bye!
Kif: Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch? But that means
. I have to stop her!
(Back on Greenia. The PE crew is having a meeting.)
Amy: What am I gonna do? Theres no way I have a chance of beating that
(A messenger pokes his head in)
Messenger: Miss Wong, your uncles here.
Amy: My uncle?
(An elderly Asian man (who, by sheer coincidence, resembles Uncle
from The Jackie Chan Adventures) enters, carrying a package)
Amy (brightening): It IS you! (runs to hug him)
Uncle (heavy accent): I bring you very, very important package.
(He opens it. Inside is a suit of light armor and a very cool sword.)
Uncle: This armor and sword belong to your honored ancestor, who wore them
many moons ago when she starred in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon III:
Curse of the Jade Fox.
Uncle: Use them to bring great honor to your family.
Amy: I will! Ooh
this is so cool
Uncle: One more thing
. Dont screw up!
Amy begins swinging the sword around experimentally)
Hermes: Be careful with dat thing, woman! Youre liable to injure someone
who isnt Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Right, y
Amy: Aw, cmon
who am I gonna hurt?
(All stare at her
then behind her. She looks where theyre staring.
Behind her, Leela is holding her severed ponytail.)
(Meanwhile, we see that Kif has hitched a ride with robot Amish.)
Jebediah-7: Sure, we can take ye to the spaceport, but not all the way. Tis
a sinful place.
Ishmael-4: Very sinful.
Kif: Uh, can I ask a question?
Jebediah-7: Be it a sinful question?
Kif: Its just
how can a robot join an anti-technology religion?
(Cut to Kif being tossed out of the buggy next to a sign that says Spaceport:
Jebediah: Away with thee and thy sinful pointin out of situational irony!
(The buggy drives off.)
Kif: (groan) How do I get to the spaceport now?
(A hover-pickup drives by, with a redneck robot driving)
Bubba-bot: Where yall goin, city boy?
Kif: (sigh) The things I do for love
(In another room)
Pitt: She has no chance.
Marcet: None of them do. And once we get rid of her, our Kifferson can marry
that nice Glanzer girl from down the hall
(Amys room. The PE crew, fueled by coffee, tries to think of a way to
Hermes: I got it! When de armored mon comes for her, Amy falls on the floor
and cries like a little girl!
Zoidberg: Its so spineless, it just might vork!
Amy: I cant do that. If Im gonna wear this armor and use that sword,
I need to act in a way that brings my family honor.
Leela (experimentally swinging the sword; its clear she knows what shes
doing): Its a shame we cant transfer my skills to her somehow
maybe we can. Amy, I understand you want to be honorable,
but how do you feel about cheating?
(Close-up on Amy. On her shoulders are Angel-Amy and Devil-Amy)
Angel-Amy: Cheatings bad.
Devil-Amy: KILL YOUR NEIGHBORS!
Angel-Amy: Youre off-topic.
Devil-Amy: Oh, right, um
. You should cheat.
Amy: Im OK with it.
Angel-Amy: Meh, I tried. Lets get some nachos.
Devil-Amy: Mmm, nachos
(Ext. shot of the visitors compound, night. Fade
(Spaceport. Kif is at the counter for Greenia Spacelines)
Clerk: We have one seat left.
Kif: Ill take it.
Clerk: In the screaming baby section.
Clerk: The in-flight movie is Dude, Wheres my Leviathan?
Kif: Oh cruel fate, why do you mock me? (groan) Ill take it.
(Morning at the visitors compound
(Int. Now we see Leela, wearing a bodysuit covered with circuits and blinking
Leela: So, how does this work, exactly?
Prof: How does what work?
Leela: The suit?
Prof: What suit?
Leela (groan): Never mind
Prof: Now the way the suit works is, your movements are transferred to Amy
via the linkamoscopic force-feedback circuitry. Shell be wearing a similar
suit under her armor. In addition, shell be wearing special contact lenses
thatll transfer what she sees to these goggles. And these ear inserts
will allow you to hear what she hears.
Leela: Its just insane enough to work!
Prof: So, do you agree to do it?
(Close up of Leela. Devil-Leela is on her shoulder.)
Devil-Leela: Um, sure, if its all right with
(Angel-Leela appears. Shes a killer cyborg.)
Angel-Leela: Are you going behind my back?
Devil-Leela: No, of course not, not at all
. Im scared of you.
Angel-Leela: We cant stand in the way of true love, right?
Devil-Leela: Whatever you say, boss
Leela: Ill do it.
Prof: Finally, well need a signal-booster. Say, Benders antenna.
(Close-up on Bender)
Devil-Bender: Lets trip old ladies!
Angel-Bender: An take their wallets!
. In the arena. Lots of Greenians are gathered
(In the audience, we see Zoidberg and Bender. Hermes comes to sit next to them,
carrying a large popcorn, which he starts eating.)
Zoidberg: Ah. I see you too are fond of puffed termite larvae?
Hermes: What? (looks closely at the popcorn) Oh, mon, Im
gonna be sicker than a green snake eatin poisoned sugar cane!
(He runs off to the mens room)
Zoidberg: Pfft, your loss. More for Zoidberg! (He starts shoveling it in
(The Priestess enters the arena, followed by a retainer with a hand-gong.)
Priestess: We gather together for the sacred rite of Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch!
(The crowd roars. The gong-man gongs.)
Priestess: The challenger
. Amelia Wong of Mars.
(Amy enters, wearing the family armor and holding the sword.)
Priestess: Thou seekst to earn the honor of Greenia, woman
thou must defeat our champion, Krona!
(Enter Krona, armored to the hilt and carrying a broadsword
Krona (special guest voice: Dolph Lundgren): I vill break you.
Priestess: The combat begins
now. First to disarm their opponent wins.
(The gong-man rings his gong.)
Priestess: Let the cool techno music begin!
(And it does. The two circle each other for a few moments. Krona swings the
broadsword, Amy expertly dodges and strikes with her own sword, which Krona
just barely dodges.)
(Cut to a remote room. We see Leela, wearing the suit from before. Her movement
exactly matches Amys. Fry is next to her, watching the fight on a screen.)
Fry: Oooh, nice move!
Leela: Please, hon. Dont distract me.
Fry: Hows that visiwhatsis working?
Leela: Its weird
kinda like some things look closer and some look
farther. Is that what its like when you have two
(she suddenly ducks,
goes into a roll, and comes up in a pirrouette-slash with the sword. On the
screen, we can see Amy coming out of the same maneuver. Leela picks up where
she left off) eyes?
Fry: Meh, never really noticed.
Leela: I guess you can take depth perception for granted when youve always
Fry: Had what?
Leela (sighing): Never (quick jump backward) mind.
(Back in the arena, Amy continues to hold off Krona)
Krona: Vhy vill you not fall, puny voman?
(He raises his broadsword for a final blow
. He strikes, Amy dodges, swings
the sword, and slices clean through the broadsword.)
over. Hey, that was cool, I should write it down. (repeats,
in dramatic voice) Game
(Back in the room
Leela: I did it!
Fry: You did it!
(They jump up and down
. And one thing leads
(And Leelas every move is being broadcast to Amy. She starts writhing
Priestess: Be she posessed?
(Two retainers grab Amy. (They discover the circuitry under her suit.)
Retainer: Shes a cheat!
Priestess: What? This is an outrage! She must be punished! Death by beheading!
(A shocked gasp goes through the audience. Amy is dragged to the chopping block.)
Amy: I did it all for love! I regret nothing!
except being killed.
(She whimpers in fear)
Kif (OS) Wait!
(He runs into the arena, panting
Priestess: What is the meaning of this?
Kif: This whole thing is a sham! Theres no such thing as Kal-ToPar-Ni-Flatch!
Bender: Ymean they aint killin her? Aw, ynever get
yer moneys worth at these things.
Kif: Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch means Lets screw over the
I dost not know what thou art
Kif: Oh, knock it off, Aunt Erk.
Priestess/Erk (now with a Lunchlady Doris voice): Really, were just trying
to scare her off. No harm done.
Amy: So this was just hazing?
Marcet: Of course. Why, this axe is just a fake.
(She demonstrates on a watermelon
which splits easily.)
Marcet (insincere): Oh, my, how did that happen?
Pitt: Well, your girlfriend has certainly impressed us with her devotion.
Kif: Does this mean you accept her?
Pitt: Of course not.
Marcet: In fact, weve decided to disown you.
Marcet: You have twenty minutes to get off the planet. See ya!
(Amy puts a sympathetic arm around Kif. They walk off the field
(Flyby of the ship)
Leela: Were really sorry, Amy.
Amy: Its all right. I know what those feelings are like
Kif closer) And with your parents out of the picture, nothing can stand in our
Part 3: You Are Cordially Invited
(Opening credits. Caption: From the network that cancelled Family Guy)
(Ext.: shot, PE building. Interior, the meeting table.)
Hermes: Now, in honor of your upcoming wedding, Amy, Id like to present
you with this cream-filled cupcake, this free bathroom break voucher, and the
standard celebratory noisemaker-blowing. (blows on a noisemaker)
Zoidberg: Are you finishing that, maybe?
(Amy sighs, passes her loot to Zoidberg)
Zoidberg: Hooray, a delicious cupcake! (scarfs it) And a delicious bathroom voucher!
(eats that too) And a
(goes for the noisemaker)
Hermes: No you dont! Thats the company noisemaker!
(He snatches it away)
Amy: Anyway, Leela and I are going to get fitted for our dresses. Wanna come with?
Bender: Wed love t go. Yknow what else wed love to do?
Jam sharp things in our eyes!
Fry: And then, we could bathe in acid!
Leela: Okay, fine, we get it. You dont want to go
Fry: Its not that we dont wanna go, its just that wed
rather do everything else first!
(Enter the Professor)
Prof: Good news, everyone! Youre going to the Planet of Horrible, Agonizing
(For several seconds, the two men weigh their options.)
Both: Oh, all right, wedding dresses
(Flyby of the Nimbus passing a cool CGI nebula)
(Int. The bridge)
Zapp: Captains Log. Stardate
today. Point four. Were fresh from
our victory against the Dweeb People of Pencilneck-8. Morale is higher than ever,
with crew suicides down nearly ten percent.
Kif: Sir, youre talking into your pen.
Zapp: Yes, my special log-recording pen.
Kif: No, its just a pen.
Zapp: No matter.
sir? I have a question
Zapp: Make it quick. I feel some pontificating coming on.
Kif: I was wondering if I could have Valentines Day off. Im
(Zapp laughs pompously)
Zapp: You never cease to amuse me, Kif. Seriously
Kif: I am serious!
Kif: Heres her picture.
(He takes out a wallet, flips open the picture compartment, and flicks a tiny
switch that makes a Princess Leia-esque hologram pop up.)
Zapp: So, this isnt a joke.
Zapp: Youre actually getting married to this lovely young woman.
Kif: I am, sir
Zapp: She has a terminal disease, right? Or shes really a man. Or she has
some sort of deformity
say, a vestigial tail.
Zapp: I see. Well, then, the answer is yes. I will be GLAD to be your best man!
Zapp: And Ill make sure you get no more than five demerits for taking Valentines
(Ext: Ridiculously Expensive Bridal. A sign in the window says Free divorce
pants with purchase of wedding dress.)
(Interior: Amy, Leela, and Inez are led down a corridor by the clerkbot. Fry and
Bender slink behind them, looking like theyre being led to their own execution.
Soon, theyre led into a huge empty room.
Fry (sarcastic) Wow, check out the selection
Clerk: Body type?
Amy: Standard humanoid, sir.
(From nowhere, several racks of wedding gowns fly into view. Think the armory
scene in The Matrix )
Clerk: Now, lets see how youd look in some of these
Inez: Ooh, how about this one?
(She indicates a design that makes Taliban fashions look downright risqué.
Amy: Mom, Im marrying Kif, not Jesus.
Inez: Hey, you had your chance with him. But he marry that showgirl in Vegas.
Amy: What about this one?
(We see Amy has on a
well, you cant really call it a gown,
since its basically a white two-piece bathing suit with a see-thru train
Leela: I swear, thats the most tastless thing Ive ever seen. (elbows
(Pan back, Frys goggle-eyed, his jaw hanging open, drooling)
Inez: You take that thing off this minute!
Fry (praying): Oh please oh please oh please oh please
Inez: In the dressing room
Bender: I cant blieve Leelas lettin you get away with
gawkin at other girls.
Leela: Its okay, I realize his eyes tend to roam. Hed better keep
his hands on me, though
. If he wants to keep his hands.
Clerk: Perhaps the madame would like to look at our selection of bridesmaids
(On cue, a rack of some of the most garish taffeta concoctions ever created zooms
Clerk: We have a variety of colors
Mylanta Green, Pepto Bismol Pink, Metamucil
Peach, Lanicane Lavender
Clerk: The drug companies have had a LOT of influence on fashion ever since the
Pfizer/Calvin Klein War of 2073.
Amy (O/S): Hey, Leela! How about this?
(Cut to, and pan up from the legs, Amy in the most beautiful bridal gown ever
seen. Its a pink-tinged white, made of silk with microscopic pearls woven
into the fabric. )
Fry: Holy Kamoley, that must cost a fortune.
Inez: Oh, its nothing, we just sell one of our moons.
Amy: Did you find a good bridesmaids gown, Leela?
Leela: Not really
Clerk: Are you sure you dont want to try Kaopectate Yellow?
(Montage to the tune of Billy Idols White Wedding: The Wongs
rent a hall
Radio City Mutant Hall. Leela tries on more ugly gowns. The
Wongs approve Elzars menu. The guys try on tuxes. Calender pages fly by
in the foreground as Leela tries on even more ugly gowns. The Wongs admire a huge
which collapses on itself as Zoidberg eats it from the inside)
(Finally, the day draws near
Amy: I cant believe Im getting married in two days!
Leela: I cant believe I found a gown that didnt make me wanna vomit.
Amy (sipping Pina Collada): Wonder what the guys are doing.
Leela: Probably some drunken, debauched Bacchanal at some sleazy bar.
(Cut to the guys at a dignified tea party.)
Fry: I say, have you read the latest from Hemmingways head?
Zapp: I found the use of description fascinating
Bender: Okay, thats enough o that. (he turns off a hidden camera)
Lets start the drunken, debauched Bacchanal.
(The backdrop collapses, and theyre revealed to be at a sleazy bar.)
Hermes: Lets party like a green snake on sugary cocaine!
(They all get liquored up and start dancing, all except Kif, who sits there and
Zapp: Kif, your air of melancholia is seriously harshing our mellow. I order you
to party like you mean it!
Kif: Please sir
do I have to?
Zapp: As a man about to enter into the sacredness of marriage, it is your even
more sacred duty to act like a complete jackass the night before!
(Zoidberg shuffles by with an attractive squidlike female)
Zoidberg: Bender spoke the truth! Alcohol has made me attractive!
Zapp: See? If a creature that repulsive can find a floozy to dance with, surely
Kif: But I dont want to be with another woman! Tomorrow, Im marrying
the most beautiful one!
Zapp: Kif, Im shocked. Remaining loyal to only one woman? Thats not
what marriage is about! Now, as your commanding officer
I order you to get
(Kif groans and begins half-heartedly carousing.)
Zapp: There you go.
(The next day
its the big day!)
(Ext. shot: Manhattan Interfaith Chapel)
(Sign outside: TONIGHT: KROKER / WONG WEDDING
TOMORROW: KRAGZOX / ZERGTRON RITUAL BRAIN-EATING)
(Interior: Bridal dressing room Amy, Inez and Leela put on the finishing touches.)
Inez: I never thought this day would come! Really, I didnt. You know statistics
for marriage over age 22.
Inez: Oh, dont mind me
it your big day!
well, mine actually.
You just window dressing.
Inez: Just kidding! You no have sense of humor?
Leo: Hey, where my favorite daughter, who making big fat mistake?
Inez: Leo. Behave!
Leo: Hey, just a joke! My only daughter marrying squishy green loser! Its
happiest day of my life!
Amy: Daddy, if you ruin this for me, I swear, Ill get my tubes tied!
Daddy: You wouldn!
Amy: WATCH ME.
Leo: Smeesh, okay okay. I shut up now.
who are the other bridesmaids?
Amy: Oh, right
(She leads her to another room. We recognize one of the women here. A second one
looks like she could be related. The third resembles a female version of the orange
hair monster from WB cartoons.)
Amy: I think you remember Michelle, right? She goes to my health club.
Leela/ Michelle (chilly): Charmed.
Amy: This is my cousin, Tricia
youre Leela, right? Amys always talking about you!
Leela: (blushing): Really?
(whispers): Her nose isnt THAT big
Amy: And finally
this is my sorority sister, Krrrrg.
Leela: (chuckle): Uh, right
one question. If Im the maid
of honor, whos the best man?
he, wasnt exactly my choice, but
Leela: Oh, GOD no.
Zapp (OC): Well, well, well
(Zapp struts in)
Zapp: It seems fate has thrown us together once ag
(Leela punches him. Zapp, taken by surprise, falls backward, hits his head, and
is knocked unconscious.)
Leela (sheepish): Ooops.
(Exterior of the chapel, later. Interior: Zapps lying unconscious on one
of the couches. The whole gang is gathered.)
Inez: Good going, eyeball girl. You want to ruin wedding some more? Kill preacher,
Prof: Yes, then I can build a better preacher. Four hundred feet tall, with seventeen
heads and electric tentacles that spray acid
(he trails off incohererently
Leela: I panicked, okay?
Inez: Just because you never gonna get married, you wanna wreck things for everyone
Fry: Now, lets not be hasty. If the movie Weekend at Bernies
has taught us anything, and it has, its how to stage an elaborate and hilarious
farce with an inanimate body. All we need is some duct tape and a few ropes.
Amy: Couldnt we just get a replacement?
Kif: But who? I have no friends and my relatives wont talk to me
closest person to me, would probably be
Zoidberg: You dont have to ask me twice. Ill be glad to have the honor,
Kif: I was talking about Fry.
Fry: Sure, what the heck.
Zoidberg: Always with the neglecting of Zoidberg! (He sobs uncontrollably, then
abruptly stops) I still get food, right? The hors doeveurs just didnt
Leo: We no put out hrs doeveurs ythe flowers!
(he starts running out)
Cubert: Please, this is all like some sort of bad romantic Meg Ryans head
movie.. whats next, the bride gets cold feet and runs out?
(The wedding march can be heard starting
Amy: Oh my god, Im so nervous
Oh, forget it, lets
(The wedding party marches down the aisle
Hermes and Tricia, Bender and
Krrrrg, Zoidberg and a frightened-looking Michelle, Leela and Fry, Cubert with
the ring, and finally, Kif and Amy. They all take their places.)
Preacher: Dearly beloved
we are gathered here today to witness the union
of Amelia Lin-Mei Wong and Kiffington Esplanade Kroker.
(Bender and Fry crack up at that last name. The preacher zaps them with a cattle
Preacher: Dont give me no crap, boy. I got twenty-three more o these
today. Now then
do you, Kiffington Kroker, take Amelia Wong to be your lawful
bride, in sickness, health, stasis, slime pits, or whatever, just
Kif: I do.
Preacher: And do you, Amelia Wong, take Kiffington Kroker for all the same crap
I just said?
Preacher: Ill take that as a yes.
Cubert: Now, watch. Somethings about to happen. Shell get scared and
run out, or hell get scared and run out, or the ringll get lost
Preacher: So, by the power vested in me by some government guy, I now pronounce
(Suddenly, RJ busts in on one of those horse-things. He lassos Amy and rides off
Amy: Kif, help!
Cubert: Thats a new one.
Inez: My baby! That rotten jerk take my girl!
he the good one! Maybe she marry him instead?
(A dazed Zapp wanders in
whens the ceremony?
Inez: Leo, he just run off with our only daughter! Do something!
Leo: All right, all right, keep your pants on!
(He turns to the wedding planners, who we recognize as David and Gwen, the
owners of Romanticorp)
Leo: You promise no surprise kidnapping! I want my money back!
David: I believe you signed the normal contract, which only covers EXPECTED
kidnappings. (sickeningly cute voice) Isnt that cowwect, pwecious?
Gwen: It sure is, snoogie-oogums
Bender (nudging Leela): Right nows about the time I wish I had a stomach
so I could puke.
Inez: That not what I mean, cheap bastard! Do something to get my daughter
Leo: All right, fine. You
dimwit delivery boy, one-eye weirdo, walking
toaster! You get her.
Prof: Wait! Instead of sending those guys, send Fry, Leela and Bender!
Hermes: But we still have deliveries tomorrow! And now I have nobody to make
Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally, authority for Zoidberg!
Hermes: **sigh** Fine, but dont take the ship. You get the dinghy.
Kif: Uh, what about me?
Leo: You? You scrawny little nothing. You no good for rescue. You good for
light housework, or maybe doing taxes.
Zapp: Yes, you leave the rescue work to the real men.
(Kif gets steamed)
Kif: No! Im going to rescue her! And Ill do it without any help,
(He storms out of the chapel.)
(He comes back in
I need a ride.
(CGI: RJs ship, which looks like a futuristic covered wagon, pulled by
(Interior: Joes flying the ship, Amys tied to a chair, RJs
holding a gun on her)
Amy: You are SO not invited to the reception.
RJ: Watch it, darlin. Youre talkin to your future husband.
Amy: Husband? Im not sure why I even went out with you! Your breath stinks,
your teeth are disgusting, and you cant climb up a flight of stairs without
glasping for breath!
RJ: It dont matter, baby. What does matter is that I love you and the
additives in my cigarettes have made me completely insane.
(He suddenly bursts into laughter, then stops.)
Amy: Forget it! You cant make anyone get married against their will!
RJ: Actually, were headed for the one planet where they WILL let me do
it. Joe, set course for
(Off they blast
(Meanwhile, elsewhere in the universe
Leela: Ive picked up the trail!
Kif: Using the other ships tachyon emissions?
they ARE emissions. Of a sort.
(Some space horse poop hits the screen.)
Bender: Eh. Ive put worse stuff in my goulash. (brightens) That reminds
I made goulash!
Leela: According to the poopometer, those horses are heading for **gasp** Vegas
Fry (gasp): Hes gonna make her watch bad drag queen revues!
Leela: Even worse
Vegas 69 is the forced-marriage capital of the universe!
I cant let him take my love!
(He pushes Leela aside and hits full throttle
Fry, Leela, and Bender
splat against the back wall.)
Kif: Yes! Im closing the distance!
Fry (weak): I landed on my keys
(Menawhile, on the Conestoga
Joe: Theres, like, a ship gainin on us, daddy-o.
RJ (to himself): Great. You had to get the only horse-drawn starship
in the lot. You couldnt get the one with the hyperdrive, nooo
Joe: So whats the plan, baby?
RJ: Just hold out. Were almost there.
(CGI: Vegas 69, the tackiest planet in the universe. Cut to the Conestoga
landing in front of the "Our Lady of the Perpetual Stomach Cramps"
chapel. RJ rushes in, dragging a struggling (and still tied-up) Amy behind him.
(Meanwhile, we see the PE ship approaching the chapel from above
Kif: Its too late! Theyre already inside! I have to get down there
(He flips a switch. A trap door opens under Kif and he drops out.)
Bender: Heh heh heh.
(Kif plummets downward, landing spread-eagled on the chapel skylight)
Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your forcibly-wedded wife?
RJ: Sures shootin, podner. (exhales smoke)
Preacher: And do you, whoever you are?
Preacher: Tough noogies. I now pro-
Kif (from above): MISS WONG!!!
(They look up)
Kif (from the skylight): MISS WONG!!!!
RH: Dont worry, baby, Ill have security get rid of him.
Preacher: Actually, according to the Dustin Hoffman Act of 2733, I have to
call off the wedding now.
RJ: You ornery cuss! You get down here now!
(Kif slides off the roof. A thump and a groan can be heard outside
(Kif comes stumbling in
Amy: I knew youd come for me!
Kif: Im in a lot of pain
RJ: Not as much pain as youre gonna be!
Amy: No! I forbid you to touch him!
(She tries to stop him, but falls over because her feet are still tied)
RJ: If you want her, youre gonna have to go through me.
Amy: You cant talk to him like that!
RJ: Why not? Aint no way he can stop me. I hold all the cards here!
Leela (O/S) Freeze!
(RJ pulls his gun on Leela, whos holding a gun on him. For a while they
Leela: Drop it.
RJ: You first.
Leela: After you.
RJ: I insi- OWW!
(pull back to reveal that Amys biting his ankle)
Leela: Ha! (aims)
Joe (behind her): Not so fast
(pull back to see hes holding a gun on her
Fry (behind him): A double "not so fast" on you!
(Pull back even further to reveal
you guessed it. Fry, with a gun.)
Preacher: This is why I left Texas.
Bender: Dont mind me, just comin through, dont let me keep
ya from killin each other
(He helps himself to the collection plate
Leela: Well, this isnt getting us anywhere.
RJ: Dang right. So hows about. Kif an me settle this like real
Kif: I beg your pardon?
RJ: Wes gonna have ourselves an old-time gen-u-wine Western gunfight.
Right here, in Vegas-69s Rootin Tootin Coyboy Town. **pause**
I hate that name.
Amy: Dont do it, Kif! Youll be killed!
Bender: Hell do it! So, whens it happen?
RJ: Dawn tomorrow. And yall better show up, or youll be branded
an even bigger sissy then ya already are.
(The next morning
a street straight outta "High Noon". Kif
and RJ slowly walk toward each other. You can cut the tension with a knife.
Not a cheap plastic knife either. You need a good Ginsu knife.)
(Amy comes running up to Kif)
Amy: Kif, please
you dont have to go through this for me!
I dont? Good.
RJ: QUIT STALLIN!
Kif: **gulp** Yessir.
(They continue to march toward each other. )
(Before Kif has a chance to react, RJ fires. Bullet time: The bullets fly forward
slowly, a la guess which famous movie. Quick cuts
reactions from everyone,
interspersed with scenes of the bullets flying forward...)
Bender: What the hell is TAKING so long?
(Pull back to overhead shot
the bullets have moved maybe three feet.
I knew I shouldntve brought slow bullets.
(The bullets slowly move forward
Kif bends backward under them. Mosic
from you-know-which-movie plays. Kif leaps the distance between the two of them
and triple-spin-kicks his head, then a forward flip and a reverse spin-kick
to his back and --)
(Kif snaps out of his daydream. He dodges the bullets by rolling into a ball.
The bullets fly past and toward an oblivious sandwich-eating Fry)
Leela: Fry! The bullets!
Fry: What bullets?
(The bullets hit him and bounce of harmlessly.)
Fry: **gasp** This sandwich turned me into Superman!
I knew these things were no good.
(He runs off
and is crushed to death by a huge crate of cigarettes.)
(Leelas WU goes off)
Leela: My irony detectors off the scale!
Fry: See, Bender? I told you theyre bad!
Bender: Ah, cmon! You can NOT prove that cigarettes killed this man!
(A dinky little beat-up shuttle crashes next to them. Zoidberg stumbles out.)
Zoidberg: Deliverys done, lets go get thermidored, why not.
(Back to Kif, curled up in a ball. Amy comes running up)
Amy: Kif, are you okay?
Kif (uncurling): Is it over?
Amy (hugging him): You were so brave! And I didnt know you could do that
ball thing. (whisper) You can use it tonight.
(Back at the chapel
Preacher: If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever -
Bender: I object!
Bender: Heh heh, nah, Im just kiddin. Keep goin.
Preacher: Then, by the power invested in me by the Bureau of Investing Power
Hermes (whispers): I created that bureau, back when I worked for the Bureau
of Making More Bureaus.
I now pronounce you woman and funny green thing. You may now
kiss the bride
or whatever. I dont even care anymore.
(Wedding music plays, as Amy and Kif kiss. Then, Amy tosses the bouquet. The
women fight for position
Leela takes out two of them with karate kicks
and gets in front, but Zoidberg jumps in front of her and catches it, mouth
first. The happy couple now runs down the aisle and out the chapel, into a waiting
hovercar (Slurm cans, streamers, and Tinny Tim are tied to the rear bumper),
and blast off. Heart wipe, and credits (over which, "Chapel of Love"
Special thanks to Brad, Paul, and Andy.