SCENE: Planet Express kitchen. Fry is caught in a huge wave of fire blasting from the refrigerator.
FRY: Professor! I think the refrigerator is BROKEN!
FARNSWORTH: Excellent! My new invention, THE REVERSAL RAY, is a complete success!
FRY: Two questions. What's a reversal ray, and does it heal fourth degree burns?
FARNSWORTH: The device analyzes a machine's function and causes the REVERSE to occur. I used it on the refrigerator, and I tested it EARLIER on the television. Now it watches US!
A giant eyeball watches from the TV screen.
ZOIDBERG: Hello, Professor! I can't talk right now. I've been in a staring contest with this thing for three hours!
BENDER: A reversal ray! Pffft! What good is something like that?
FARNSWORTH: It could turn YOU into a polite, honest, and hardworking employee!
BENDER: (fearfully) Eep!
Fry and Bender leave the Planet Express building with the reversal ray.
FRY: Are you sure the Professor wanted me to take his new invention to the dump?
BENDER: (handing the ray to Fry) As far as YOU know, yes.
FRY: Where is he, anyway?
BENDER: Oh, you know old people. Always accidentally locking themselves in closets.
Fry whistles as he walks with Bender through a busy New New York street. They soon make it to Applied Cryogenics.
FRY: Ah, the OLD CRYOGENIC LAB where I was first unfrozen! That reminds me! I lost a pack of gum when I fell into the cryo tube. I should see if they still have it!
IPJI: Sorry, Fry, we're closing early! I need to pick up my horrible wife from her terrible dentist appointment!
FRY: I just need to check the lost and found.
IPJI: All right, but lock up when you leave. The box is in the tube room. You can't miss it.
FRY: Don't worry, I'll find it!
Fry walks backward and trips over a cardboard box marked LOST + FOUND.
Fry falls into an open tube and accidentally zaps it with the reversal ray. The door slams shut on him.
The tube ends up in a forest. The door reopens.
FRY: What th--?!
Fry steps out.
FRY: Oh no! Not again! How far have I gone into the...
Fry is surrounded by villagers wearing medieval-style clothes. A huge castle looms in the background.
Fry goes up to a peasant woman (Leela).
FRY: Excuse me. What year is it?
LEELA: How would I know? I'm just a poor filth-gathering peasant. I can't afford a calendar! I'm still trying to save up enough for a second eye.
LEELA: How do you know my name?
FRY: Why are you in the future? Or is it the past?
BENDER: Is this man bothering you, milady?
LEELA: Yes, he is!
Bender comes out resembling a knight.
BENDER: Whoa! I thought you were a fancy lady! Didn't realize you were just a filthy peasant. My mistake!
BENDER: That's SIR BENDER to you, stranger! One of the noble Knights of the Bent Table!
FRY: Bender, I don't know what's going on! Am I in the past or what?
BENDER: Poor peasant, you've clearly gone mad. Not to worry, we have the best mental health plan around.
LEELA: Throwing him in the castle dungeon for life?
BENDER: I didn't say it was a good health plan, I just said it was the best around. Now come along, crazy man!
An enormous dragon resembling Zoidberg lands in front of them.
ZOIDBERG: Did someone hail a dragoncab?
BENDER: (pointing to a horse) No! I have my own ride!
ZOIDBERG: *Sigh!* No one ever wants a dragoncab.
LEELA: That's because you EAT most of your passengers!
ZOIDBERG: But flying makes me hungry!
As Fry rides on Bender's horse, he hears grunting coming from inside the horse.
FRY: Um...Sir Bender? Why is your horse moaning?
A flap on the horse opens up to reveal an old peasant woman.
PEASANT WOMAN: Because we're actually two peasants in a horse costume.
FRY: But why not use a REAL horse?
BENDER: The law says you have to FEED those!
Fry and Bender arrive at a castle shaped like the Planet Express building.
BENDER: And we're here! PLANET EXPRESSALOT!
A knight and his squire walk away from the castle.
KNIGHT: Let's not go there. It's a silly place.
Fry and Bender enter the throne room of the castle. Farnsworth, dressed like a king, sits on the throne.
BENDER: Taking another one to the CRAZY PIT, Your Highness!
FARNSWORTH: Very well!
FRY: Professor, it's me...Fry! I'm from the future, I think.
FARNSWORTH: Are you saying you're living your life backwards like the wizard MERLIN?
FRY: I guess.
BENDER: That jerk next door? He's always spoiling shows for me!
MERLIN: (shouting from the yard next door) Everyone dies at the end of "Hamlet"!
BENDER: Shut up! (to Fry) Well, if you really are a wizard, you can work for me! I could use a little MAGICAL HELP in the upcoming tournament.
They are now at a jousting arena. Farnsworth sits atop a highly raised throne.
FARNSWORTH: Welcome to a distraction that will hopefully take your mind off overthrowing me! THE KNIGHTY KNIGHT GAMES!
The crowd of villagers cheers.
FARNSWORTH: Before we get started, a joke from my jester, Scruffy!
SCRUFFY: I, um...stepped in some dung earlier!
The crowd laughs uproariously.
RANDY MUNCHNIK: It's funny because it's true!
BENDER: (to Fry) Okay, I'm going up against Sir Roberto in the jousting contest! I'll need you to cast a spell or something on him!
FRY: I keep telling you, I don't know any magic!
ROBERTO: (on a horse, holding a long stick with a knife tied to the end of it) I'm gonna stab you with this thing! Gonna stab you until I get tired. And I NEVER get tired!
BENDER: You gotta know some magic! Anything at all!
FRY: *Sigh!* Fine!
FARNSWORTH: Begin the joust!
Roberto charges toward Bender with his knife stick extended.
FRY: (to Roberto, holding out a handful of playing cards) Pick a card! Any card!
ROBERTO: What? Who are you?
Bender thrusts his lance through Roberto's middle.
BENDER: (to Fry) Yeah, that's the stuff! Keep it up!
Fry holds up a top hat as Calculon races by on a horse.
FRY: Watch me pull a rabbit out of my-- AAAAH! It's a skunk!
The skunk sprays Fry.
Bender stabs Calculon with his lance.
Later, a human knight stands on the field, clutching his stomach.
BENDER: (to Fry) Good job, squire! You really helped me turn that silent knight into a holy knight!
FRY: Great. Can I get a little help?
Fry has sawn himself in half in a magician's box.
FARNSWORTH: (holding up a letter written on parchment) Stop everything! I just got word that the evil MOM LE FEY is attacking our kingdom! We need to fight back!
SAL: (raising his hand) Quick question for youze! Is we a volunteer or drafted army?
All the villagers leave.
SAL: (waving goodbye) So long, chump!
FARNSWORTH: Sir Bender, you're our only remaining knight! In retrospect, having you maim the rest of our greatest fighters might not have been the best idea.
BENDER: Don't worry, Your Highness! We've got the wizard on our side. He'll be more than a match for Mom le Fey!
FRY: I'll try my best, but I need about an hour to swallow these hankerchiefs.
FARNSWORTH: There's no time! Here she comes!
Mom, her sons, and three monsters come rushing in on horses.
MOM: (raising a huge sword) Attack, you pathetic sacks of boar pellets!
IGNER: Yes, Mommy!
MOM: For the last time! When we're storming a castle, don't call me Mommy!
IGNER: Sorry, Mommy!
BENDER: Get out there, wizard! (shoves Fry onto the ground)
FRY: YAAAH! (staring up at the charging horses) Um...okay, think of a number between one and--
The horses trample Fry.
FRY: (looking bruised and beat up, raises two fingers) Was... it... two...?
BENDER: (battling the monsters) Hey, wizard! Whatever you're doing, do the opposite of that!
FRY: (while everyone fights in the background) The OPPOSITE! Of course! The reversal ray! I must have used it when I went in the tube, so instead of sending me to the world of the future, it turned everything BUT me into an old-timey version of itself. Yeah, that makes sense if I don't think too hard about it. Maybe the reversal ray can turn things back to normal. But what did I do with--?
The reversal ray is thrown and smacks Fry in the back of his head.
LEELA: Hey, jerk! This thing you left behind in that tube isn't worth jack squat! It just makes a stupid beam that doesn't do anything!
FRY: (going up to Leela) The reversal ray! Thank you, Leela! I love you!
LEELA: (backing away) Love? WHOA! Sorry, I'm almost thirty and have at least a year or two left to live! I don't want to be tied down yet!
After the battle...
FARNSWORTH: Mom le Fey took everything! I'm ruined!
BENDER: They even stole the stuff I stole from them when we stormed THEIR castle last week!
FRY: (pointing the reversal ray at Farnsworth) Don't worry, Professor! This is going to fix everything!
Fry zaps Farnsworth.
FRY: Feel any different?
FARNSWORTH: I do. I used to want to make you the kingdom's head wizard, but now I feel the opposite.
Fry and Leela are tied to a stake and surrounded by men with torches.
FARNSWORTH: I'm going to burn you and your friend at the stake for doing magic that wasn't useful to me at all!
LEELA: I'm not his friend!
BENDER: Sorry things didn't work out. If it makes you feel better, this is what happens to most of my squires. Do you have any last words?
FRY: Just one. TAXI!
Zoidberg the dragon lands and pins Bender and Farnsworth down under his claws.
ZOIDBERG: Where would you like to go, sir?
FRY: Anywhere but here! Leela, want to come along?
LEELA: No, I want to be set on fire!
ZOIDBERG: Okay, but I charge extra for that!
Zoidberg flies into the sky with Fry and Leela on his back.
LEELA: It's so beautiful up here! Not like the filthy ground at all.
FRY: Dragon! Go through that rain cloud!
ZOIDBERG: You're the boss!
Fry and Leela get showered with rain.
LEELA: AAAAH! I'm...CLEAN! I've never felt this way before!
FRY: You're beautiful to me no matter what's crusted on you. But you DO smell way better now.
Fry points at the tube down on the ground.
FRY: The tube! Land there, dragon!
ZOIDBERG: All right. The fare is letting me eat one of you! Two, if you add a tip!
FRY: (walking over to the tube) Sure thing, but let me just get in the, um...marinating tube for a second. It'll make me more flavorful!
ZOIDBERG: How considerate!
Fry gets in the tube. Leela holds the reversal ray.
FRY: Fire the ray gun at me!
LEELA: But it doesn't do anything!
FRY: Trust me!
Leela zaps the tube. Fry ends up back in Applied Cryogenics.
FRY: (getting out of the tube) It worked!
Fry meets Zoidberg on the street.
FRY: Doctor Zoidberg, so good to see you!
ZOIDBERG: Fry, old buddy! Just the person I was having a craving for!
LEELA: (holding the reversal ray) I don't know how I got here or why I'm holding this, but I feel like I just had a shower for some reason.
Bender joins Leela and Fry on the street.
BENDER: Hey, Fry! Did you get rid of that...thing?
FRY: Oh hey, Bender! Don't worry, I fixed it so that it's lost forever!
The reversal ray is in the lost and found box in Applied Cryogenics. The word FOUND is crossed out.
FRY: I can't tell you how good it is to be back!
BENDER: Then DON'T tell us, because I don't really care!
A man and woman wearing medieval clothes approach Fry and Leela. The man is carrying a round tray with golden goblets.
MEDIEVAL MAN: Prithee, fair maiden, wouldst thou like to partake in a mug of mead?
FRY: No! I can't take any more of this! Bender! Leela! Let's get them!
Fry chases after the man and woman with a wooden board.
MAN AND WOMAN: YAAAAAH!
They are actually at the NNY Renaissance Fair.
LEELA: I didn't know Fry hated RENAISSANCE FAIRS this much!
BENDER: Yeah! He's full of fun surprises! Well, let's get to it! Those jerks aren't going to beat up themselves! And if you're not going to finish that mead...