Comic Transcripts

Comic #81: A Touch of Medieval!
Transcribed by Spaceman130








SCENE: Planet Express kitchen. Fry is caught in a huge wave of fire blasting from the refrigerator.

FRY: Professor! I think the refrigerator is BROKEN!

FARNSWORTH: Excellent! My new invention, THE REVERSAL RAY, is a complete success!

FRY: Two questions. What's a reversal ray, and does it heal fourth degree burns?

FARNSWORTH: The device analyzes a machine's function and causes the REVERSE to occur. I used it on the refrigerator, and I tested it EARLIER on the television. Now it watches US!

A giant eyeball watches from the TV screen.

ZOIDBERG: Hello, Professor! I can't talk right now. I've been in a staring contest with this thing for three hours!

BENDER: A reversal ray! Pffft! What good is something like that?

FARNSWORTH: It could turn YOU into a polite, honest, and hardworking employee!

BENDER: (fearfully) Eep!


Fry and Bender leave the Planet Express building with the reversal ray.

FRY: Are you sure the Professor wanted me to take his new invention to the dump?

BENDER: (handing the ray to Fry) As far as YOU know, yes.

FRY: Where is he, anyway?

BENDER: Oh, you know old people. Always accidentally locking themselves in closets.

Fry whistles as he walks with Bender through a busy New New York street. They soon make it to Applied Cryogenics.

FRY: Ah, the OLD CRYOGENIC LAB where I was first unfrozen! That reminds me! I lost a pack of gum when I fell into the cryo tube. I should see if they still have it!

IPJI: Sorry, Fry, we're closing early! I need to pick up my horrible wife from her terrible dentist appointment!

FRY: I just need to check the lost and found.

IPJI: All right, but lock up when you leave. The box is in the tube room. You can't miss it.

FRY: Don't worry, I'll find it!

Fry walks backward and trips over a cardboard box marked LOST + FOUND.

FRY: Whoa!

Fry falls into an open tube and accidentally zaps it with the reversal ray. The door slams shut on him.

The tube ends up in a forest. The door reopens.

FRY: What th--?!

Fry steps out.

FRY: Oh no! Not again! How far have I gone into the...

Fry is surrounded by villagers wearing medieval-style clothes. A huge castle looms in the background.

FRY: ...future?

Fry goes up to a peasant woman (Leela).

FRY: Excuse me. What year is it?

LEELA: How would I know? I'm just a poor filth-gathering peasant. I can't afford a calendar! I'm still trying to save up enough for a second eye.

FRY: Leela!

LEELA: How do you know my name?

FRY: Why are you in the future? Or is it the past?

BENDER: Is this man bothering you, milady?

LEELA: Yes, he is!

Bender comes out resembling a knight.

BENDER: Whoa! I thought you were a fancy lady! Didn't realize you were just a filthy peasant. My mistake!

FRY: Bender!

BENDER: That's SIR BENDER to you, stranger! One of the noble Knights of the Bent Table!

FRY: Bender, I don't know what's going on! Am I in the past or what?

BENDER: Poor peasant, you've clearly gone mad. Not to worry, we have the best mental health plan around.

LEELA: Throwing him in the castle dungeon for life?

BENDER: I didn't say it was a good health plan, I just said it was the best around. Now come along, crazy man!

An enormous dragon resembling Zoidberg lands in front of them.

ZOIDBERG: Did someone hail a dragoncab?

BENDER: (pointing to a horse) No! I have my own ride!

ZOIDBERG: *Sigh!* No one ever wants a dragoncab.

LEELA: That's because you EAT most of your passengers!

ZOIDBERG: But flying makes me hungry!

As Fry rides on Bender's horse, he hears grunting coming from inside the horse.

FRY: Um...Sir Bender? Why is your horse moaning?

A flap on the horse opens up to reveal an old peasant woman.

PEASANT WOMAN: Because we're actually two peasants in a horse costume.

FRY: But why not use a REAL horse?

BENDER: The law says you have to FEED those!

Fry and Bender arrive at a castle shaped like the Planet Express building.


A knight and his squire walk away from the castle.

KNIGHT: Let's not go there. It's a silly place.

Fry and Bender enter the throne room of the castle. Farnsworth, dressed like a king, sits on the throne.

BENDER: Taking another one to the CRAZY PIT, Your Highness!

FARNSWORTH: Very well!

FRY: Professor, it's me...Fry! I'm from the future, I think.

FARNSWORTH: Are you saying you're living your life backwards like the wizard MERLIN?

FRY: I guess.

BENDER: That jerk next door? He's always spoiling shows for me!

MERLIN: (shouting from the yard next door) Everyone dies at the end of "Hamlet"!

BENDER: Shut up! (to Fry) Well, if you really are a wizard, you can work for me! I could use a little MAGICAL HELP in the upcoming tournament.

They are now at a jousting arena. Farnsworth sits atop a highly raised throne.

FARNSWORTH: Welcome to a distraction that will hopefully take your mind off overthrowing me! THE KNIGHTY KNIGHT GAMES!

The crowd of villagers cheers.

FARNSWORTH: Before we get started, a joke from my jester, Scruffy!

SCRUFFY: I, um...stepped in some dung earlier!

The crowd laughs uproariously.

RANDY MUNCHNIK: It's funny because it's true!

BENDER: (to Fry) Okay, I'm going up against Sir Roberto in the jousting contest! I'll need you to cast a spell or something on him!

FRY: I keep telling you, I don't know any magic!

ROBERTO: (on a horse, holding a long stick with a knife tied to the end of it) I'm gonna stab you with this thing! Gonna stab you until I get tired. And I NEVER get tired!

BENDER: You gotta know some magic! Anything at all!

FRY: *Sigh!* Fine!

FARNSWORTH: Begin the joust!

Roberto charges toward Bender with his knife stick extended.


FRY: (to Roberto, holding out a handful of playing cards) Pick a card! Any card!

ROBERTO: What? Who are you?

Bender thrusts his lance through Roberto's middle.


BENDER: (to Fry) Yeah, that's the stuff! Keep it up!

Fry holds up a top hat as Calculon races by on a horse.

FRY: Watch me pull a rabbit out of my-- AAAAH! It's a skunk!

The skunk sprays Fry.


Bender stabs Calculon with his lance.

CALCULON: Um...line?

Later, a human knight stands on the field, clutching his stomach.

BENDER: (to Fry) Good job, squire! You really helped me turn that silent knight into a holy knight!

FRY: Great. Can I get a little help?

Fry has sawn himself in half in a magician's box.

FARNSWORTH: (holding up a letter written on parchment) Stop everything! I just got word that the evil MOM LE FEY is attacking our kingdom! We need to fight back!

SAL: (raising his hand) Quick question for youze! Is we a volunteer or drafted army?

FARNSWORTH: Volunteer!

All the villagers leave.

SAL: (waving goodbye) So long, chump!

FARNSWORTH: Sir Bender, you're our only remaining knight! In retrospect, having you maim the rest of our greatest fighters might not have been the best idea.

BENDER: Don't worry, Your Highness! We've got the wizard on our side. He'll be more than a match for Mom le Fey!

FRY: I'll try my best, but I need about an hour to swallow these hankerchiefs.

FARNSWORTH: There's no time! Here she comes!

Mom, her sons, and three monsters come rushing in on horses.

MOM: (raising a huge sword) Attack, you pathetic sacks of boar pellets!

IGNER: Yes, Mommy!

MOM: For the last time! When we're storming a castle, don't call me Mommy!

IGNER: Sorry, Mommy!

BENDER: Get out there, wizard! (shoves Fry onto the ground)

FRY: YAAAH! (staring up at the charging horses) Um...okay, think of a number between one and--

The horses trample Fry.

FRY: (looking bruised and beat up, raises two fingers) Was... it... two...?

BENDER: (battling the monsters) Hey, wizard! Whatever you're doing, do the opposite of that!

FRY: (while everyone fights in the background) The OPPOSITE! Of course! The reversal ray! I must have used it when I went in the tube, so instead of sending me to the world of the future, it turned everything BUT me into an old-timey version of itself. Yeah, that makes sense if I don't think too hard about it. Maybe the reversal ray can turn things back to normal. But what did I do with--?

The reversal ray is thrown and smacks Fry in the back of his head.


LEELA: Hey, jerk! This thing you left behind in that tube isn't worth jack squat! It just makes a stupid beam that doesn't do anything!

FRY: (going up to Leela) The reversal ray! Thank you, Leela! I love you!

LEELA: (backing away) Love? WHOA! Sorry, I'm almost thirty and have at least a year or two left to live! I don't want to be tied down yet!

After the battle...

FARNSWORTH: Mom le Fey took everything! I'm ruined!

BENDER: They even stole the stuff I stole from them when we stormed THEIR castle last week!

FRY: (pointing the reversal ray at Farnsworth) Don't worry, Professor! This is going to fix everything!

Fry zaps Farnsworth.

FRY: Feel any different?

FARNSWORTH: I do. I used to want to make you the kingdom's head wizard, but now I feel the opposite.

Fry and Leela are tied to a stake and surrounded by men with torches.

FARNSWORTH: I'm going to burn you and your friend at the stake for doing magic that wasn't useful to me at all!

LEELA: I'm not his friend!

BENDER: Sorry things didn't work out. If it makes you feel better, this is what happens to most of my squires. Do you have any last words?

FRY: Just one. TAXI!

Zoidberg the dragon lands and pins Bender and Farnsworth down under his claws.

ZOIDBERG: Where would you like to go, sir?

FRY: Anywhere but here! Leela, want to come along?

LEELA: No, I want to be set on fire!

ZOIDBERG: Okay, but I charge extra for that!

Zoidberg flies into the sky with Fry and Leela on his back.

LEELA: It's so beautiful up here! Not like the filthy ground at all.

FRY: Dragon! Go through that rain cloud!

ZOIDBERG: You're the boss!

Fry and Leela get showered with rain.

LEELA: AAAAH! I'm...CLEAN! I've never felt this way before!

FRY: You're beautiful to me no matter what's crusted on you. But you DO smell way better now.

Fry points at the tube down on the ground.

FRY: The tube! Land there, dragon!

ZOIDBERG: All right. The fare is letting me eat one of you! Two, if you add a tip!

FRY: (walking over to the tube) Sure thing, but let me just get in the, um...marinating tube for a second. It'll make me more flavorful!

ZOIDBERG: How considerate!

Fry gets in the tube. Leela holds the reversal ray.

FRY: Fire the ray gun at me!

LEELA: But it doesn't do anything!

FRY: Trust me!

Leela zaps the tube. Fry ends up back in Applied Cryogenics.

FRY: (getting out of the tube) It worked!

Fry meets Zoidberg on the street.

FRY: Doctor Zoidberg, so good to see you!

ZOIDBERG: Fry, old buddy! Just the person I was having a craving for!

FRY: Leela!

LEELA: (holding the reversal ray) I don't know how I got here or why I'm holding this, but I feel like I just had a shower for some reason.


Bender joins Leela and Fry on the street.

BENDER: Hey, Fry! Did you get rid of that...thing?

FRY: Oh hey, Bender! Don't worry, I fixed it so that it's lost forever!

The reversal ray is in the lost and found box in Applied Cryogenics. The word FOUND is crossed out.

FRY: I can't tell you how good it is to be back!

BENDER: Then DON'T tell us, because I don't really care!

A man and woman wearing medieval clothes approach Fry and Leela. The man is carrying a round tray with golden goblets.

MEDIEVAL MAN: Prithee, fair maiden, wouldst thou like to partake in a mug of mead?

FRY: No! I can't take any more of this! Bender! Leela! Let's get them!

Fry chases after the man and woman with a wooden board.



They are actually at the NNY Renaissance Fair.

LEELA: I didn't know Fry hated RENAISSANCE FAIRS this much!

BENDER: Yeah! He's full of fun surprises! Well, let's get to it! Those jerks aren't going to beat up themselves! And if you're not going to finish that mead...

The end!