SCENE: A presidential interview. The candidates (Richard Nixon's head, the Visible Woman, and Bernie Burnman) stand onstage in front of a crowd.
WOLFMAN BLITZER: Question for THE VISIBLE WOMAN. If elected president of Earth, what can the people expect from you?
THE VISIBLE WOMAN: Transparency!
WOLFMAN BLITZER: BERNIE BURNMAN of the Flame People! How would YOU improve the world as president?
BERNIE BURNMAN: I stand by my record of burning things to the ground and rebuilding from the ashes!
WOLFMAN BLITZER: Cloned head of Richard Nixon, do you think people will confuse you with the current president of Earth, Richard Nixon?
CLONED HEAD OF RICHARD NIXON: (sweating) That's such a CLONOPHOBIC question! We are VERY different candidates.
WOLFMAN BLITZER: And to you, President Nixon, the CURRENT leader of Earth...
NIXON: Great to be here, WOLFMAN BLITZER! I'm happy to answer any of our pre-prepared questions.
WOLFMAN BLITZER: Actually, the media has decided to let the AUDIENCE ask some questions of their own.
NIXON: (sweating) Er, ah... That's great!
THE VISIBLE WOMAN: How are you SWEATING while floating in liquid?
THOR-LIKE CHARACTER: I want to know what you plan to do to protect us from FROST GIANTS!
NIXON: I, um...hate those cold-blooded jerks and promise to DEPORT them all.
FROST GIANT 1: Cold-blooded?
FROST GIANT 2: WE'RE Frost Giants! And my brother and I voted for you THREE TIMES!
In the Planet Express employees' lounge, Leela, Fry and Amy sit on the couch watching Linda and Morbo.
LINDA: The president got away, but candidate Bernie Burnman was, sadly, extinguished.
MORBO: Proving what Morbo has always said, "Democracy is for the weak and will be this planet's downfall!"
FRY: (eating from a bag of what appears to be corn) I can't believe Nixon is still president after all these years. I mean how DUMB can voters be?
LEELA: What are you eating?
AMY: That's SELF-POPPING popcorn. You need to leave it out for a minute after opening the bag or--
The popcorn pops in Fry's mouth.
The lounge is now flooded with popcorn.
LEELA: Oh come on, Fry!
BENDER: Hey, dummy! Why do you have to be so dumb?
ZOIDBERG: Free popcorn! Thank the sea gods for Fry's stupidity!
Amy, Bender and Leela laugh at Fry as he walks away shame-faced.
LEELA: (to Bender) Were we too hard on him?
BENDER: Cruelty is the only way humans learn anything.
Bender then cracks Cubert with a whip as he plays drums.
BENDER: Now back to your drumming lesson. Are you rushing or dragging?
CUBERT: AAAH! I don't know!
Meanwhile, at the White House...
NIXON: Welcome to the White House... ...DOCTOR WERNSTROM!
WERNSTROM: Always happy to serve my planet, Mr. President. For a PRICE.
NIXON: As you can see, my poll numbers are terrible.
WERNSTROM: Where are they?
NIXON: On that pole behind you. Don't move it, it's load-bearing.
WERNSTROM: You're at EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT? That's not bad.
NIXON: No! There are only eighty-five people on Earth who would consider voting for me! People are getting TOO SMART. The old Nixon charm can't pull the wool over their eyes anymore.
WERNSTROM: So you need to be more honest.
NIXON: No, I need you to make people STUPIDER!
WERNSTROM: TV and the Internet aren't doing the job?
NIXON: They're building up some kind of immunity. I need to dumb folks down and fast.
WERNSTROM: I have something here that might work. It's a baby BRAIN SPAWN. It can send out waves that reduce intelligence.* I just need a large enough ANTENNA, and I could stupid up the world until the election.
NIXON: I know just the antenna!
*As seen in the Futurama episode, "The Day the Earth Stood Stupid" -Ed.
Fry and Farnsworth sit at a table playing a futuristic version of chess.
FRY: I don't know why you make me play this with you all the time, Professor. You know I don't understand the rules.
FARNSWORTH: Oh, Fry, it's simple FOURTH DIMENSION BATTLE CHESS. Now stop your bellyaching and lose already!
FRY: Fine. I move my armor guy to the top thinger.
The knight stabs the king in the chest with his sword.
FARNSWORTH: You sank my battleking! But that's not possible!
FRY: Ha! Well, call me MR. NONPOSSIBLE!
Fry enters the conference room.
FRY: Leela, did you see that? I...
LEELA: (holding a package) No time for your talking words! We have a package to deliver!
The Planet Express ship shoots into the sky.
LEELA: Show me the address, Fry! Oh no! This is supposed to go to Earth!
FRY: No, that's the RETURN ADDRESS! You see--
LEELA: Back we go!
Leela swerves and smashes the ship into the Planet Express building.
Fry returns to the conference room rubbing dust off himself.
FRY: Bender, have you noticed people seem to be acting dumber?
BENDER: Not now! I'm watching TV!
ANNOUNCER: We now return to "All My Circuits"!
CALCULON: And so it seems that...um...line!
BOXY ROBOT: Beep!*
FRY: Wait a minute, I've seen this before!
BENDER: Must be a rerun. Hey, I bet you a hundred dollars I can eat my own legs!
Bender takes off his legs and tries to eat one.
FRY: (running off) I need to talk to the SMARTEST MEMBER of the crew!
ZOIDBERG: (sitting in a pot of water boiling on the stove) I'm sorry, Fry, but I'm busy making a delicious seafood bisque!
NIXON: (on TV) For a brighter future it's time to vote for me, your lovable pal, President Nixon.
NIXON: Shut up, Checkers! I'm doing a commercial!
Leela, Amy, and Scruffy sit on the couch in the lounge. Leela and Amy are dressed like Nixon supporters and Scruffy holds up a sign that reads NIKSON.
LEELA: I'm voting for Nixon!
AMY: Me, too!
SCRUFFY: Scruffy concurs!
FRY: What? But you all HATE President Nixon. He's tried to KILL US more than once!
SCRUFFY: Typical LIBERAL...only thinking of himself!
Fry goes to Nibbler.
FRY: Nibbler! I think the brain spawn are back and making everyone stupid.
NIBBLER: I've sensed it too, Fry, which is why I've been using an IQ THERMOMETER.
The IQ thermometer goes from reading 2000 in one panel to 1000 in the next.
NIBBLER: It appears someone is using brain spawn power to dumb down the world. Because you don't have a delta brainwave YOU'RE not affected. I, on the other hand, am losing my genius-level brain function at an alarming rate!
The thermometer reads 500.
FRY: If you're using a thermometer, why isn't it in your mouth?
The thermometer reads 200.
NIBBLER: It's not an oral thermometer.
The thermometer reads 100.
NIBBLER: You must find the source of this before it's too late. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to become feral.
Nibbler chases Fry out of the room, his mouth open wide.
LEELA: Nibbler! No eating Fry in between meals!
Ten minutes later...
Fry goes to the kitchen, where the rest of the crew is waiting for him.
FRY: I *wheeze* lost Nibbler in an all-you-can-eat *pant* buffet. Don't worry, I'll find a way to fix this.
LEELA: Actually, can you fix LUNCH instead? We're all hungry but can't remember how the stove works.
FRY: How about I make you some of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches?
AMY: *Gasp!* He turned on the stove!
FARNSWORTH: He's a genius!
The crew eats Fry's sandwiches.
HERMES: Hooray for Fry! THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!
FRY: Smartest person in the world, huh? Maybe I can let this go on for a while longer...
AMY: (holding up a big jar of owl poison) Who wants dessert?
LEELA: Yay! Then let's go vote for Nixon!
FRY: Eh...so they eat poison and vote Nixon back into power. What's the WORST that could happen?
Fry imagines the whole crew as zombies rising up from graves, with Nixon in his giant robot body in the background.
NIXON: Rise my zombie army... RISE!
FRY: Cool! But still, I should try and stop it!
Fry snatches the owl poison away from Amy.
FRY: I'LL take that!
FRY: Okay, Fry! As the smartest person on Earth, what do you do now?
Fry walks out onto the street and meets Bender.
BENDER: How about finding and stopping whatever's causing all this?
FRY: Bender? Why aren't you stupid?
BENDER: I stuck my finger in an electric socket to see what'd happen.* And the burst of electricity super sped up my brain. At least for a while.
*Don't ever do this! -Ed.
FRY: Nibbler said someone is projecting brain spawn waves.
BENDER: I should be able to trace the signal with my trusty antenna. (points at the Empire State Building) It's coming from up there!
FRY: The Empire State Building!
In the background, a hot dog vendor is shouting.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs here! Also, does anyone know how to make a hot dog?
FRY: We're gonna have to walk. People seem to be trying to take bikes, surfboards, and horses into the tubes. Let's go, Bender. Bender?
BENDER: I'll be right there. I'm just signing up for a personality test at this church, sending my bank information to this spam email a Venusian prince sent me, and buying a timeshare on the rim of a black hole.
FRY: Bender, you're getting dumb again! You need to power up your brain!
BENDER: You're the boss! You ARE my boss, right?
Bender extends his arms up to reach a high-up light and gets electrocuted. Bender and Fry are then in complete darkness.
FRY: Feeling smarter?
BENDER: Yep! And this darkness is making it way easier to pick people's pockets!
Fry and Bender arrive in front of the Empire State Building. Huge piles of garbage block the front door.
FRY: Here we are, but we can't get in the front door. It's covered in garbage and owls! Dumb people sure are messy!
BENDER: Well, let's get climbing!
Bender grabs Fry and starts to climb the building.
Mario stands on the ground, waving a fist.
MARIO: Hey, let go of the nice-a lady! Don't make me come up-a there!
Mario gets knocked down by a barrel thrown down at him.
FRY: Where'd you get that barrel?
BENDER: Who wants to know? I mean it...who are you?
FRY: It's me! Your best friend Fry!
BENDER: Nah, never heard of you! So long chump!
Bender flings Fry through a window. Fry lands in a room with Wernstrom, who is wearing a yellow cap with an antenna and an image of Earth with an arrow through it.
WERNSTROM: I want to say, "Sly"?
FRY: It's FRY. And you're Doctor Wormstorm?
WERNSTROM: Doctor WERNSTROM. I don't think we've ever really been introduced. So what brings you here?
FRY: Stopping the dumbness. You?
WERNSTROM: CAUSING the dumbness.
Fry punches Wernstrom in the face.
WERNSTROM: (rubbing his face) Ow! If you'd let me finish...! I hooked up the brain spawn and projected its waves out to the world. But when I came back to check on it, the president was here.
Wernstrom and Nixon are on the roof of the Empire State Building. The brain spawn is hooked up to an antenna. Nixon is working on a computer with small robot arms attached to the base of his jar. He is wearing a hat identical to Wernstrom's.
WERNSTROM: What are you doing? You're setting the levels way too high. The control panel will explode and make the world permanently stupid!
NIXON: That's the PLAN, Poindexter! I don't want to have to go through this nonsense every four years! Once this thing explodes, people will forget what voting is, and I'll be president FOREVER! And now lights out!
Nixon punches Wernstrom and knocks him out.
WERNSTROM: Those tiny arms are stronger than they look. Then he locked me in this room. The only reason I'm not as dumb as everyone is these SPECIAL HATS I made for the president and myself that block the brain spawn waves.
FRY: It's a sharp-looking hat!
WERNSTROM: Thanks. But we only have five minutes before the explosion AND there's no way out of here!
FRY: Maybe there is!
Fry and Wernstrom crawl through a vent. A skeleton lays on the floor of the vent.
WERNSTROM: Is this safe?
FRY: Sure. Unless you're CLAUSTROPHOBIC, which I'm starting to remember that I am. YAAAH! Let me out! LET ME OUT!
NIXON: Who's saying that?
Fry kicks the vent cover out, knocking Nixon's head out of his jar.
FRY: (getting out of the vent pipe) We've got you now, Nixon!
NIXON: You've got the wrong Nixon, you pinko punk!
NIXON'S CLONE: He's right, you know.
FRY: A mirror! Well, I'm not some parakeet you can fool with one of those!
NIXON: It's not a mirror...it's my CLONE. HE'S the one who wants to make everyone dumb forever, not ME!
NIXON'S CLONE: He's right! I don't want people to notice I'm not the REAL Nixon, and if they stay stupid, they never will!
FRY: Wow, that's a really good plan!
NIXON'S CLONE: Thank you.
FRY: Do you have any room in your cabinet for the smartest man on Earth?
NIXON'S CLONE: You seem smart enough to be unaffected by the dumbening ray, but first you need to prove your loyalty!
FRY: You got it!
Fry reaches down and removes Nixon's hat.
NIXON: No! MY HAT! You, um... What am I? Some kind of GOLDFISH?
NIXON'S CLONE: Excellent! And now nothing can stop the stupid!
FRY: Nothing except THIS! Hey, look! Free booze!
BENDER: (climbing onto the rooftop) Free booze? Where?!!
FRY: (pointing at Nixon's clone) In that jar!
Bender drinks the liquid out of Nixon's clone's jar.
NIXON'S CLONE: What? NOOOOO! *Gasp!* *Wheeze!* HELP!
Fry drops Nixon's head into his clone's jar.
NIXON: Hey there! Are you a goldfish, too?
NIXON'S CLONE: Maybe.
WERNSTROM: The machine is about to explode! I can't disconnect the brain spawn in time!
FRY: SMARTEST MAN ALIVE TO THE RESCUE!
Fry places a hat on the brain spawn. A huge explosion then throws Fry, Bender and Wernstrom back.
WERNSTROM: (holding up the brain spawn with the hat on it) You did it! The hat protected the brain spawn from harm and blocked its dumbening waves so the explosion couldn't permanently spread them! People should be returning to normal!
NIXON: Get this imposter out of my jar!
NIXON'S CLONE: YOU'RE the faker, Quaker!
Back at Planet Express, Fry watches Linda and Morbo on TV.
LINDA: And because no one can tell which Nixon is the real one, both have been re-elected as co-presidents of Earth!
MORBO: As for what happened during the time known as "the dumbening", no one can remember.
FRY: I can!
Fry joins the rest of the crew in the conference room. Leela is wearing an orange sweater with a smiling alien face. Amy has a mohawk haircut and three earrings in each ear and is wearing a flaming heart necklace and a top with a skull on it.
BENDER: Blecch! What did I drink? Everything tastes like jowls and pomade!
HERMES (to Farnsworth): How could you give everyone a raise?
FARNSWORTH: I don't know!
Zoidberg is dressed like Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, holding nunchucks in each claw.
ZOIDBERG: All I know is I woke up in the sewer with this snazzy new shell and these fun twirly sticks.
FRY: Well, so much for being the smartest man on Earth.
LEELA: (holding out a frying pan to Fry) Fry, I have no idea why, but I'd really like you to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Would that be okay?
FRY: Would it ever!
SCRUFFY: Zoidberg, this fella's here to see you!
The crew turns around to see an angry half-naked Michelangelo.