Comic Transcripts

Comic #79: Kif of Death!
Transcribed by Spaceman130








SCENE: Planet Express conference room.

FARNSWORTH: Bad news, everyone. Scruffy... ...is NO LONGER with us!

HERMES: *Gasp!*

FRY: You mean, he's dead?

FARNSWORTH: DEAD? Oh my no! He's on VACATION! A spacecruise around the galaxy.

On the spacecruise, Scruffy does the pose from Titanic.

SCRUFFY: Scruffy's king of the universe!

Behind Scruffy is a long line of angry-looking aliens.

ALIEN: Are you going to be much longer? There's a line to do the pose!

SCRUFFY: Scruffy takes the time Scruffy needs!

LEELA: But who'll clean up after Fry?

FRY: Oh, I can take care of myself.

A pile of garbage sits on the table in front of Fry. Leela glares at Fry.

FRY: What?

Amy leaves the conference room and walks into the lounge.

AMY: Well, that's a relief! I was really worried someone I CARED ABOUT had died.

Amy's phone rings. She answers it, and a hologram of Kif shoots out of the top of the phone.

KIF: Amy, it's me, Kif. I'm dead.

AMY: Hold on, I'm almost done with this level of Carmamel Crush! Aw, fudge!

KIF: Did you lose?

AMY: No, I made it to the FUDGE LEVEL! Wait, did you say you're dead?

KIF: As GOOD as dead. The doctor gave me the results from my annual physical this morning. I have exactly five days left to live.

ZAPP: Kif, when you're done breaking the bad news to your loved ones, don't forget to take my velour uniforms to the dry cleaners. And remember, I like them extra smooth!

KIF: It's a rare fatal disease called DEATHISM. I have one week left. It's traditional for my people to have a wake before we die. Would you mind arranging that and my funeral?

AMY: *Sob!* Of course!

KIF: Okay, it's breakfast time, and I need to go peel the captain's blueberries. The skins creep him out.

LEELA: Amy looks really upset! She must be concerned about things getting messy while Scruffy is gone.

FARNSWORTH: Oh, don't worry about that! I have a ROOM RUNNER!

The Room Runner resembles a Roomba vacuum cleaner and has an antenna shaped like the tail of the Road Runner.

BENDER: Cool! What does it do? Can I strip it for parts and sell them to buy booze?

FARNSWORTH: (placing the Room Runner on the floor) You may not! It goes around the room cleaning it in seconds! Observe!

The Room Runner beeps twice (like the Road Runner) and shoots forward, knocking Bender onto his back.

BENDER: Aaaah!

FARNSWORTH: And its SAFETY HORN tells you to get out of the way!

BENDER: (getting up) But it doesn't give you enough time to get out of the--

The Room Runner returns and knocks Bender onto his back again.

BENDER: GAAAAAH! Of course you realize, this means war.


Leela and Amy walk on the street.

AMY: Thanks for helping me plan Kif's wake and funeral Leela.

LEELA: Happy to do it. Wait, not happy. Sad. So sad. Sorry.

Leela and Amy arrive at Speaker for the Dead Funeral Home. The funeral home owner ("Cobra") comes out. He is a ghoulish-looking being with gray skin and a green cobra's tail wearing a black suit jacket and a tall black top hat.

COBRA: May I help you?

AMY: I called about the Kif Kroker funeral.

COBRA: Ah yes, the one who's not dead yet. So where does the deceased wish their final resting place to be? In the ground? At sea? Shot into the sun? Sent back in time to be eaten by a dinosaur?

AMY: Buried in a swamp on his homeworld.

COBRA: Too bad. The dinosaur one is really cool!

The cobra shows Leela and Amy a room full of ordinary coffins.

COBRA: As for coffins, we have the most basic model...

LEELA: Looks good.

COBRA: Yes, if you didn't care for the deceased and you're on a budget, it's fine.

AMY: No! I love him, and I'm rich! NOTHING is too good for my Kiffy Wiffy!

LEELA: (to the cobra) What's with your face?

COBRA: (grinning gleefully) I'm sorry, I'm trying not to squeal with glee.

The cobra shows Leela and Amy a spacious room with a round table, a tall wall lined with full bookshelves, an aquarium, and stairs leading up to another room.

COBRA: This is our top of the line model. What do you think?

AMY: Where's the coffin?

COBRA: You're standing in it.

AMY: (climbing the stairs) Wow! This is impressive.

COBRA: Six rooms, two bathrooms, a pool and an aviary.

LEELA: It defies all laws of physics!

COBRA: What are you, THE PHYSICS POLICE? Seriously, are you a cop? Because legally you have to tell me.

AMY: (crying) We'll take it! Only the best for my Kiffy!

Leela glares at the smiling cobra.

Back at Planet Express, Bender stands on top of a metal folding ladder holding an anvil over his head. On the floor is a plate full of birdseed.

BENDER: Oh no! Looks like someone spilled BIRDSEED all over the floor! Hee hee! Glad I kept this ANVIL from the time I mugged that blacksmith!

The Room Runner shoots into the room and knocks the ladder (and Bender) down.

BENDER: (falling) Whoa! (on the floor) Hmmm...I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh well, I'm sure it'll come to me.

The anvil falls and slams onto Bender's head.

Fry and Amy walk on the street.

FRY: Why isn't LEELA helping you pick out your widow's dress?

AMY: Eh. Her idea of a formal outfit is ironing her tank top.

Fry and Amy come across a dress shop. A hovering fembot with curly yellow hair greets them.

DRESS SHOP OWNER: Welcome to THE BLACK HOLE DRESS SHOP. Widow wear is our specialty.

AMY: Let me see what you've got.

Amy poses on a small stage wearing a black dress, gloves, and high-heeled boots.

FRY: That's pretty dark.

AMY: But not dark enough.

Amy is now wearing a different black dress with a hat, gloves, fishnet stockings, and heels.

FRY: That seems darker.

AMY: Still too cheerful. I want this dress to show how totally sad I am.

DRESS SHOP OWNER: I know just the thing.

Amy is now wearing a black full-length dress and a hat with a veil covering her face. Everything is in black and white.

FRY: Wow, that sucked all the color out of the room and out of my heart! I'm...so sad.

AMY: Better.

DRESS SHOP OWNER: This dress is legally listed as a depressant. You're not allowed to drive or operate heavy machinery while wearing it.

Back at Planet Express, an alien hands packages to Bender outside the building.

BUYMO ALIEN: Special delivery for Bender B. Rodriguez from the BUYMO Corporation!

BENDER: That's me!

Later, Bender installs a huge magnet on the ceiling of the kitchen.

ZOIDBERG: What are you doing?

BENDER: Setting up a MAGNETIC TRAP for our new vacuum cleaner.

ZOIDBERG: Good for you! Hobbies are important to keep the mind sharp. If you need me, I'll be in my dumpster.

BENDER: *Heh heh!* All I need to do now is wait until that little JERKBOT comes by and press the button on the remote control. Now where did I put it?

Bender looks back and realizes the remote control is on the floor. The Room Runner approaches it.

BENDER: Oh hey, pal! Um...would you mind handing that to--

The Room Runner presses the button. The magnet activates and attracts Bender to it.

BENDER: Okay, so I'm stuck to a magnet! Big--

A dumpster flies up to the magnet and crushes Bender. Zoidberg falls out of the dumpster.

ZOIDBERG: Oof! Bender! So you did need your old friend Zoidberg after all! How nice!

The Room Runner beeps twice.

BENDER: Yeah, laugh it up! You're the one who has to clean up this mess!

Outside Planet Express, Amy hugs Kif.

AMY: Oh, Kif, it's so good to see you!

KIF: Yes, we'll have to make this quick. Captain Brannigan only gives me an hour for my lunch break.

Amy and Kif step inside.

AMY: I've set things up for your wake inside. I want you to have a look at it!

Bender is in the kitchen grudgingly cleaning up the mess.

BENDER: But why do I have to do this? It's that JERKBOT'S job!

FARNSWORTH: Because YOU made the mess! The Room Runner told me so.

The Room Runner beeps twice.

BENDER: *Grumble!*

KIF: What happened to Bender?

AMY: Never mind. Come check the hangar!

KIF: Oh my...

A huge banner hanging from the ceiling reads WE'LL MISS YOU. Banners with Kif's name hang from the Planet Express ship. There are two enormous framed pictures of Kif. Rose bushes surround the room.

AMY: Well? What do you think?

KIF: It's...okay.

AMY: Just okay?

KIF: Well...it's the only time I'm going to die. I wanted it to be SPECIAL.

AMY: I can make it BETTER! What do you want me to change?

KIF: Nothing. *Sigh.* I don't want to be a bother.

Kif's wrist communicator beeps.

KIF: Excuse me, I have to take this. (into the communicator) He did WHAT now? And you're completely covered in it? Oh dear... I have to get back to work. Captain Brannigan drove the ship into a space zoo, and all the space monkeys are throwing space poop at him. (leaving) I'll see you later.

AMY: Don't worry, Kif. I promise I'll give you the BEST WAKE EVER.

Amy calls her parents on her phone.

AMY: Mom, Dad? I need more money. Then sell all of my stuff. Yes, even the ponies.

The next day...

More packages from Buymo arrive for Bender.

BUYMO ALIEN: Delivery from Buymo for--

BENDER: Yeah, yeah! GIMME!

In the conference room, Bender sets up a catapult with garbage on it as bait for the Room Runner.

BENDER: Hey, old buddy! Old chum! There's garbage to clean up!

Fry comes in.

FRY: We can just throw garbage on the floor now? Cool, I was just taking these bags out for the Professor.

Fry pours garbage all over the catapult.

BENDER: NO!! Now I don't know where the CATAPULT is! Stomp around this area here and help me find--

Bender triggers the catapult, and it launches him out the window.



Amy talks to Kif on her phone. She is on top of the Empire State Building. A huge banner that reads KIF KROKER hangs on one side of the building. Ice sculptures of Kif's bust sit on the tables.

AMY: I've rented out the top of the Empire State Building. What do you think?

KIF: *Sigh.* It's alright.

AMY: What's wrong with it?

KIF: (rubbing shampoo in Zapp's hair) I'm sorry. I guess like all kids, I used to dream of what my perfect wake would be like.

AMY: Kids don't do that!

KIF: Oh, and I've looked at the funeral outfits you sent me. They're not TERRIBLE...

AMY: Good.

KIF: ...they'd need to step up in quality to be terrible. These are GARBAGE!

AMY: Fine, I'll return them.

KIF: Too late. I had them thrown out of the airlock. Now stop wasting what life I have left and make the celebration of my death PERFECT!

ZAPP: That was a bit HARSH, don't you think? If you want my advice on talking to a lady--

KIF: Would that advice be "don't pay more than two dollars a minute"?

ZAPP: You know, Kif...words, like SHAMPOO IN THE EYES, can hurt.

KIF: They can't hurt more than that GIRDLE I have to shove you into every day.

ZAPP: Ssshh! Not so loud in front of the men! They respect me.

KIF: The last time someone respected you, your clothes were still in fashion.

Zapp runs out sobbing.

ZAPP: *Sob!*

KIF: Save some of that blubbering for my funeral!

Back at Planet Express...

BENDER: (to the Room Runner) Fine! I know when I'm beat! You win!

The Room Runner beeps questioningly.

BENDER: Yes, really. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's GIVE UP when something gets difficult! But say, I got this invite to a wake. Wanna go with me?

The Room Runner beeps twice, then zooms away.

BENDER: Great! It'll be a good way to bury the hatchet! (stepping into a closet) And thanks to the good folks at Buymo... ...THIS will be an even BETTER way!

The closet is full of boxes of various Buymo products.

The day of the funeral...

AMY: You look so handsome, Kif.

KIF: Yes. It was the LEAST GHASTLY of the outfits you sent. So where's my wake going to take place? An amusement park? A garbage dump?

AMY: I rented out MADISON CUBE GARDEN. All your friends are here, and I hired the heads of the Beatles to perform.

The stadium is full of various characters. A hanging banner reads GOOD BYE KIF. Giant balloons shaped like Kif's head float around. The heads of the Beatles perform onstage. Ringo plays the drums while Paul, George and John sing and play guitar.


JOHN LENNON: She loves you, Kif!

AMY: So what do you think?

KIF: *Sigh!*

AMY: What?! Did you just sigh?

LEELA: Amy, take it easy. He's DYING.

AMY: He BETTER be! After all I've done for him!

KIF: This is my fault, Amy. I should have asked someone CLASSIER to plan my wake.

AMY: That's it! The burial is happening earlier than planned!

ZOIDBERG: You know, if I was a DOCTOR, I'd say something was wrong with that guy!

FRY: You ARE a doctor! And cut him some slack, he's dying.

The Taco Bellevue doctor overhears.

ZOIDBERG: We're ALL dying, but that doesn't mean you have to be a JERK about it.

TACO BELLEVUE DOCTOR: Dios mio! You're RIGHT! How did I miss this? Bad doctor dog! BAD! (to Amy) I'm Kif's doctor. I may have given him the wrong diagnosis.

AMY: Guh?

TACO BELLEVUE DOCTOR: Initially, deathism has the same symptoms of a similar, non-fatal virus called JERKITOSIS. But later symptoms include becoming a huge self-centered jerk.

AMY: That's Kif, all right!

KIF: Hey!

FRY: What are the symptoms of deathism?

TACO BELLEVUE DOCTOR: DEATH...which should have happened hours ago. I just told him it would be tomorrow to be nice.

KIF: Great! Now I don't even get to die!

FRY: So is he going to have to live with this forever like Donald Trump did?

TACO BELLEVUE DOCTOR: I can't say. Sometimes a SUDDEN SHOCK will make things right, but I can't promise anything.

AMY: Oh, Kif, I'm just so happy you're not dying.

KIF: Whatever. Is that popcorn? I want some!

BENDER: No! Don't! It's for the Room Runner!

KIF: It's my party, I'll take what I want!

Kif reaches for a bucket of popcorn with wires attached to it.


Madison Cube Garden is now reduced to piles of smoldering rubble.

BENDER: Okay, I MAY have booby-trapped the popcorn a little.

KIF: The explosion! I think it fixed me! Amy, I'm so sorry! Will you forgive me? I've been acting like a real ZAPP BRANNIGAN!

ZAPP: Hey!

AMY: I love you, Kif!

The end.


The president of Buymo Weapons speaks to a group of robots at a meeting table.

BUYMO PRESIDENT: As you know this has been BUYMO WEAPONS' most PROFITABLE year... ...due almost entirely to the purchases of one BENDER B. RODRIGUEZ. With that in mind we'd like to thank our CEO who went undercover as a janitor to make this all happen. Well done, sir!

The robots clap for the Room Runner sitting on the table. The Room Runner beeps twice.

That's all, folks!