Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #78: Little Orphan Android
Transcribed by Spaceman130

WRITER - IAN BOOTHBY

PENCILS - JAMES LLOYD

INKS - DAN DAVIS

COLORS - ROBERT STANLEY

LETTERS - KAREN BATES

EDITOR - NATHAN KANE

COVER BY JASON HO, MIKE ROTE, AND NATHAN KANE


Bender sits on a box on the street(?), looking like a hobo with five o'clock rust around his mouth, a worn hat, and a Kindle wrapped in a bindle.

BENDER: Brother, can you spare some change... that I can MELT DOWN and make a weapon to ROB you with?

Bender is actually in the Planet Express office with Hermes.

HERMES: For the LAST TIME, the office is no place for your ROBO-HOBOING. Get rid of that Kindle bindle and get back to work, you jerk!

BENDER: I just want a RAISE! This kind of junk usually works on you meatbags' sense of pity.

HERMES: I lost my sense of pity when my appendix was taken out!

ZOIDBERG: It's true. I didn't know what it looked like, so I just kept taking out parts to be safe! (holds up a spleen) That reminds me, did you want your SPLEEN back?

BENDER: You let ZOIDBERG operate on you?

HERMES: He's all the company health care plan would afford! We're THAT broke! NO RAISES!

BENDER: But I need money for hooch, floozies, and SUPER GLUE to play hilarious pranks on Fry!

Fry shows up to the conference room super-glued to his mattress.

FRY: Sorry I'm late! I couldn't get out of bed for some reason!

BENDER: Tee hee!

LEELA: *Shhhh!* We're trying to watch TV at work!

MORBO: We interrupt the news because a RICH PERSON has something to say!

The screen changes to show a purple alien (Daddy Bigbux) in a suit sitting in a hovering gold reclining chair.

DADDY BIGBUX: People of Earth, you all know me as DADDY BIGBUX, the richest being in the universe! I made my fortune THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY. My ancestor invented MONEY a billion years ago, then invented a bank the next day and opened a savings account. Spending all of my time doing anything I want has left me no time to start a family. So I'm going to BUY one. If you want to be my ADOPTED HEIR, come to the Cookieville Orphanarium tomorrow at noon. The most adorable child will become richer than their wildest dreams! And now back to your news for poor people!

LEELA: Interesting!

BENDER: VERY interesting!

FRY: *Zzzzzzz!*

The next day at Cookieville Orphanarium...

Leela stands outside the Orphanarium with Warden Vogel while orphans play.

WARDEN VOGEL: Thanks for helping to organize the orphan auditions, Leela.

LEELA: As a former orphan, I'm HAPPY to do what I can to help a child find a home, Warden Vogel!

WARDEN VOGEL: It's been especially tough for the young ones since the building got infested by termites.

Two human-sized termites with punkish haircuts and jackets pick on orphans.

TERMITE 1: What're YOU lookin' at?

TERMITE 2: Keep walkin', punk! This is termite territory!

Daddy Bigbux's butler is a one-eyed robot colored white and gold.

BUTLER: Mr. Bigbux will audition the children now! Who's first?

LEELA: Well, we could go ALPHABETICALLY or by AGE or--

Bender shows up wearing a red dress, curly orange hair, and eyelashes.

BENDER: Or by who's the GREATEST! Which is ME! Little Orphan BENDIE!

LEELA: Bender, you're not an orphan!

BENDER: Have we met! I'm going to lie and say, "No!"

Bender stands before Daddy Bigbux and his butler.

BUTLER: And what will you be doing for your audition?

BENDER: A song I wrote to a tune that's been in the public domain for almost a thousand years! (singing) I need money, tomorrow! Because at this time tomorrow, there'll be goons! They'll want their money tomorrow, and if I don't have it by tomorrow, they'll break limbs! Tomorrow, tomorrow! Adopt me tomorrow! Because I've got gaaaaaaambling deeeeebts!

DADDY BIGBUX: I pick that one!

BUTLER: Don't you wish to see the OTHER CHILDREN, sir?

DADDY BIGBUX: Do any have hair that red?

BUTLER: No.

DADDY BIGBUX: Then come to Daddy!

BENDER: (running up to Daddy Bigbux for a hug) I love your MONEY, Daddy Bigbux! I love it so much!

LEELA: Hmm.... That hair looks familiar...

At Planet Express...

"AAAAAH!"

FARNSWORTH: Oh dear! Is Zoidberg operating again?

ZOIDBERG: I agree that's what it sounds like, but I'm right here!

Fry runs in, completely bald.

FRY: Someone stole my hair while I was sleeping!

FARNSWORTH: Oh, is that all?

FRY: Is that all? I'm BALD! I look like a FREAK!

Farnsworth and Zoidberg glare at Fry angrily.

And so...

HERMES: (to Fry) For your hateful speech against the follically-challenged, you are required to attend a baldness sensitivity meeting before we can allow you back to work!

FRY: I said I was sorry.

FARNSWORTH: I can't hear anything, can you?

ZOIDBERG: No, all the sound must be bouncing off my horrible, bald head!

Later...

A ship that looks like a cross between a jet and a limo flies over a planet.

BUTLER: We're here, sir!

DADDY BIGBUX: Excellent! Bendie, this is my planet... MOOLAH 7!

After the ship lands...

DADDY BIGBUX: You'll find it's very much like Earth. Except INFINITELY better! Bendie, welcome to your forever home!

Daddy Bigbux motions toward an enormous white-and-gold mansion. Tall, jagged mountains made of diamond loom in the background. Outside the mansion is a fountain gushing purple liquid and hedge sculptures of strange creatures.

BENDER: (his eyes extended) FREAKIN' FRIZARDS!*

*Yeah, I don't know what it means either. -Ed

DADDY BIGBUX: My butler will show you around while I get ready!

BENDER: Ready for what?

DADDY BIGBUX: That would ruin the surprise!

The butler takes Bender on a tour of the mansion.

BENDER: Wow! Is the mansion made of gold?

BUTLER: No, it's made of SUPERGOLD, one thousand times more valuable than regular gold.

BENDER: Is that a lake?

BUTLER: Yes, filled with million dollar bills.

BENDER: And those mountains in the distance?

BUTLER: Solid diamond. The master had them shipped in!

BENDER: I think I'm going to cry!

BUTLER: Here, wipe your tears with this copy of Action Comics #1.

BENDER: What's this place?

BUTLER: Just the TOOLSHED. It has a hundred rooms and an indoor pool!

BENDER: So where's my room?

BUTLER: Come into the mansion, and I'll show you.

Bender and the butler arrive at a door.

BUTLER: Through this door.

BENDER: Oh yeah! Bender's finally getting what's coming to him! (goes through the door) Wait, this just leads out into some kinda jungle!

BUTLER: Yes. You see, the master adopts orphans to hunt for sport. Hunting YOUR OWN CHILDREN is LEGAL in this part of the galaxy.

The butler shows Bender a room filled with head trophies of red-haired humans, aliens, and robots.

BUTLER: You can see some of his PAST TROPHIES on display. He likes those with RED HAIR. They're much EASIER to see in the green jungle.

BENDER: Thanks a lot, Fry!

BUTLER: You have a five-minute head start while the master readies his KILLING CHAIR.

BENDER: (running away) Okay, but this is the kind of thing that gives a person DADDY ISSUES!

Back on Earth, Fry sits at a meeting with various bald characters. The leader is an adult Charlie Brown.

CHARLIE BROWN: Welcome to B.A.H. (Baldies Against Hate). Say hello to a new member of our group... Fry!

ALL: Hi, Fry!

FRY: I don't think I really--

CHARLIE BROWN: Hold on. You'll have your chance to speak. Now it's JEAN-LUC'S turn.

JEAN-LUC PICARD: It doesn't seem to matter what I do, everyone thinks the last person who had my job was better because he had hair!

MOONDRAGON: I know! Everyone I meet thinks I can read their thoughts, which I CAN, but it's still a hateful stereotype.

PROFESSOR X: I know EXACTLY what you mean.

FRY: Hey, are you two TWINS?

(Jean-Luc and Professor X have identical faces.)

JEAN-LUC PICARD: What are you saying? That all bald people look alike?

FRY: NO! Well, maybe. I mean the TOPS of you do!

LEX LUTHOR: What?

FRY: I mean look at this guy, he's got the right idea! He has a COWBOY HAT! Wear one of those, and when you all sit together, people won't be remembering that they need to buy eggs!

All the support group members chase Fry.

MOONDRAGON: Get him!

JEAN-LUC PICARD: Yes! Make it so!

FRY: Y'know, for AN ANTI-HATE GROUP, you aren't very peaceful!

Back on Moolah 7...

DADDY BIGBUX: Time to come to Daddy, child!

BENDER: (hiding in a tree) No! You want to kill me! And I love me!

DADDY BIGBUX: Now you get on out here before you make Daddy angry! (to his butler) Hand me my twelve-gauge disintegrator shotgun!

BUTLER: Yes, sir!

DADDY BIGBUX: Come on! I want to see that red hair of yours mounted on my wall!

BENDER: You want the hair? TAKE IT!

Bender throws the hair down onto the butler's head.

BUTLER: (trying to remove the hair) It *nnhh!* appears to be glued on!

Bender swings from branch to branch using his extensomatic arms.

BUTLER: There he goes, sir!

DADDY BIGBUX: Indeed. You know... one red-haired robot is pretty much the same as another.

Daddy Bigbux shoots his butler.

BUTLER: AAAAH! But, sir, I'm not your child! This is illegal!

DADDY BIGBUX: You've been like a SON to me all these years! I'll get my lawyer to make it work!

Back on Earth...

Fry (looking bruised and beat up) sits at the conference table with Leela (wearing a Planet Express delivery hat).

LEELA: I'm sorry those bald folks beat you up, Fry!

FRY: They kept coming from all directions. It was like being stuck inside a lotto ball machine!

Leela pulls out a gift bag.

LEELA: I know this has been hard, so I did something for you. Take a look...

Fry pulls out a purple hairpiece shaped like his own hair from the bag.

LEELA: I cut off my own hair to make you a wig!

FRY: *Gasp!* You did that for me?

LEELA: (takes off her hat, revealing her bald head) I sure did. See? How do I look?

FRY: Like Mr. Clean's wife.

Leela angrily chases after Fry.

LEELA: Give me my hair back!

FRY: YIKES! Why are you bald folks so touchy?

Back on Moolah 7...

BENDER: (running through the jungle) Gotta get outta here! Can't let anything distract me!

Bender skids to a stop at a gold pail filled with money.

BENDER: Ooooh! Free money!

The money is a trap. Bender hangs from a tree, a rope tied around one leg.

BENDER: Nuts!

DADDY BIGBUX: Well done! You got me to destroy my butler! I admire your cunning!

BENDER: Why, thank you--

DADDY BIGBUX: I admire it so much that I'm going to have it stuffed and mounted over my mantel! (aiming his gun at Bender) Do you have any last words?

BENDER: You know what? There's a SWEAR WORD I've always wanted to use. It's the kind that would get any TV show or comic book cancelled immediately! Why don't you go and--

The Planet Express ship suddenly crashes nose-first into the ground.

BENDER: (flying) YAAAH!

FRY: (getting out of the ship) Bender, you gotta hide me! I've made every bald person on Earth mad at me!

BENDER: Yeah, those baldos are sensitive all right! Especially if you call them "baldos"! But I've kinda got MY OWN problems right now!

DADDY BIGBUX: Ha! Nothing can kill me except a super anti-matter ray gun, and I OWN the only one in existence. Now, where were we?

BENDER: Fry! WATCH OUT!

DADDY BIGBUX: Oh, you needn't worry about your friend! Like me, he's a member of the BALD BROTHERHOOD! As such, I offer you SANCTUARY, friend!

FRY: Really?

DADDY BIGBUX: (motioning to his mansion) Of course! Stay in my mansion as long as you'd like! A life of DECADENT LUXURY with your every dream and fantasy fulfilled!

FRY: Wow!

BENDER: (grabbing Fry by the head) My pal would rather die in agony here at my side than live, learning new meanings of the word "pleasure"!

FRY: I would? *Sigh!* I would.

DADDY BIGBUX: All right then. If one of you could stand in front of the other, it would save me money on ammunition.

A sudden blast blows Daddy Bigbux into oblivion.

DADDY BIGBUX: GAAAAH!

BUTLER: Your SUPER ANTI-MATTER RAY GUN, sir!

BENDER: The butler! But how did you survive?

BUTLER: It's a long story. I--

BENDER: Sounds boring. Forget I asked.

FRY: I'm Fry!

BUTLER: I don't care. (to Bender) As the master's heir, you legally inherit his fortune and everything on this world.

FRY: Wow, Bender! You're the richest being in the universe! What are you going to do with all that money?

The next day...

The mansion and diamond mountains are being hauled off by hovering Repo Depot trucks.

BUTLER: You SPENT all that money?

Bender is wearing a suit and top hat. He holds a gold trophy and burns a money bill with a cigar clenched between his teeth.

BENDER: I got fancy tastes, baby!

FRY: Do you have anything left?

BENDER: Just the TOOLSHED. Hook it up to the ship! We're going home! (to the butler) I couldn't have done this without you. I hereby grant you your freedom!

BUTLER: I don't want freedom! Being a butler is all I know!

BENDER: Fine! Then I'm making you your OWN butler!

BUTLER: I might be able to work with that!

As the Planet Express flies off with the toolshed, the butler sweeps the ground.

BUTLER: Butler, clean up this mess! Yes, sir! Don't talk back, butler!

Later on Earth...

The termites have taken over the Orphanarium.

LEELA: Come on, give the kids back their home!

TERMITE 3: And what are YOU gonna do about it, cueball? SQUISH us?

The toolshed falls and crushes the Orphanarium and the termites.

FRY: (running down the ship's stairs) Sorry! The rope I tied the toolshed to the ship with broke. Stupid gravity!

LEELA: It's all right.

FRY: Sorry for being such a jerk. Do you want your hair back?

LEELA: No, I'm okay with being bald for a while.

FRY: Then I am, too!

BENDER: You guys can have the shed if you want.

WARDEN VOGEL: Really? You're so generous!

LEELA: Yeah... it doesn't seem like you.

BENDER: The police are going to want to ask about this little ACCIDENT, and I'm on TRIPLE PAROLE right now.

LEELA: That DOES seem like you.

NINA: (to Fry) Thanks, mister!

FRY: Aw, it was nothing but RECKLESS CARELESSNESS!

BOY: Would you like to stay and play TABLE TENNIS with us?

LEELA: That's so sweet! Sure!

BOY: Great! You two can be the PING PONG BALLS!

The orphans laugh while Fry and Leela look on in shock. Fry, Leela, and Bender then chase the orphans.

FRY: *Grrr!* Get them!

LEELA: I AM getting them!

BENDER: (carrying a big mallet) Mind if I join in? After the day I've had, this is just what I need!

BOY: Wow! Bald OLD PEOPLE sure are grumpy!

The end!

Buddies