Comic Transcripts

Comic #76: Captain Brannigan: The Windbag Soldier
Transcribed by Spaceman130








The Planet Express ship is flying toward a planet filled with static electricity.

LEELA: We're beginning the final approach to the planet TESLATRON. Fry, Bender, fasten your seat belts and hold on to your hair!

FRY: Whoa! This planet is making my hair get frizzy wit' it!

LEELA: If you think that's bad, you should be happy you can't see my legs!

Bender walks in carrying a box full of hair pieces.

BENDER: Nuts! All this static electricity is totally boning my CELEBRITY HAIR COLLECTION...

FRY: You collect wigs worn by celebrities?

BENDER: WIGS? *Psshht!* These are the REAL DEAL! I got a Mr. T, a Conan, a Galifinakis WITH beard... ...but the big money will be when I finally get my hands on the Einstein!


Leela shakes hands with a Teslatron (alien with gelled hair). Bender pushes a hover dolly with an enormous crate in the background.

LEELA: Greetings, Teslatrons. We bring good tidings from planet Earth, as well as the two tons of HAIR GEL you ordered.

TESLATRON 1: At last! This shipment will provide our people with the follicle hold, shape, and shine we so desperately need. Did you say you are from EARTH?

BENDER: (fearfully) That depends. Are you going to KILL US if we say, "yes"?

TESLATRON 1: Quite the contrary. We LOVE Earthlings! As a matter of fact, it was an Earthling who once saved our planet from a hostile invasion!

TESLATRON 2: He was the greatest warrior we've ever seen... ZAPP BRANNIGAN!

LEELA: Zapp Brannigan, you say? Hmm. That is truly interesting. Just give me a second to process this...

Leela reaches into Bender's chest compartment and pulls out a Slurm. She takes a drink of it and then spits it in Fry's face.


LEELA: Zapp Brannigan is pretty much the WORST Earthling in the history of the universe! How can HE be the one who saved your planet?!

TESLATRON 1: What we say is true. We even erected a statue in his honor.

Teslatron 1, Fry, Leela, and Bender stare up at a giant statue of a muscular Zapp Brannigan.

TESLATRON 1: Glorious, isn't it?

LEELA: Where's the gut? The smirk? His tiny junk?! THAT Zapp is actually *gulp* attractive!

FRY: He's definitely making ME feel new feelings.

BENDER: Yep. I'd hit that!

LEELA: (running away) We need to get back to Earth.

TESLATRON 1: If you see Captain Brannigan, tell him he's invited to our "Brannigan Day" celebration next week! We'll have a giant balloon and confetti and stuff!


Leela is flying the Planet Express ship back to Earth.

BENDER: Do you think all that stuff they said about Zapp is true?

LEELA: There's one person who knows more than ANYONE else about Zapp's past...


SCENE: Amy's place. Amy is sitting on the couch with Kif, clad in nothing but a black bra and panties.

AMY: Kif, are you ready for THE GREATEST NIGHT of your life?

KIF: Any night I spend with you is the greatest, Amy! But if you're asking if I'm ready for THIS night specifically, then the answer is "yes." Not to say I don't look forward to each moment with you, day or night. I value them both equally! Any quality time with you is always--

A huge, bright white light fills the room.

BENDER: Attention, ugly bumpers! Stop what you're up to and let us in!

AMY: What the flerk?!


Amy and Kif look out the window and see the Planet Express ship floating just outside, shining its lights into the room.

AMY: What are you guys doing here?

BENDER: Recording video of you half-naked to blackmail you with in the future. Also, we need to talk to KIF!


Fry, Leela and Bender are in Amy's place.

KIF: I knew one day SOMEONE would learn about Zapp's past. Frankly I'm surprised it took this long.

LEELA: So it's TRUE?! Zapp really was this amazing soldier the Teslatrons claim he was?

KIF: (narrating) Not just "amazing"... he was the GREATEST soldier the DOOP had ever seen! The military had never had a recruit like Zapp! He was the FASTEST...

A younger and muscular Zapp is shown running an obstacle course.

ALIEN 1: That's the fastest time ever on this course! Who IS that soldier?

ALIEN 2: Brannigan, sir. He's quite the specimen.

KIF: (narrating) ...the STRONGEST...

Zapp is shown lifting a tank with an alien inside it.

ALIEN 1: OUTSTANDING work, private.

ZAPP: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!

KIF: (narrating) ...and maybe hardest to fathom... the KINDEST.

Two soldiers, a human and a fish alien, look at Kif carrying an enormous sack into the barracks.

HUMAN: You aren't going to last a day in this platoon, tadpole!

FISH ALIEN: Yeah! All you're good for is BAIT!

ZAPP: Anybody who touches this man is going to be made into bait by ME... We are all brothers in arms, no matter how SCRAWNY we appear.

FISH ALIEN: We were just playing, Zapp! Honest!

HUMAN: Yeah yeah, we just were welcoming Private... Private, uhhh...

KIF: Kroker. Kif Kroker.

ZAPP: (shaking Kif's hand) I'm Zapp Brannigan. Put 'er there, FRIEND.

KIF: I'd heard the stories about you, but to meet you IN PERSON? Wow... gee... I don't know what to say...

ZAPP: You don't have to say anything... Just stick with me, Kif, and I'll make sure you're always looked after!

KIF: (narrating) And Zapp did. Although I was smaller and weaker than most every other recruit, I had the world's greatest soldier showing me the ropes.

Kif and Zapp are shown in a boxing ring. Kif punches Zapp weakly in the stomach.

KIF: Enhhh!

ZAPP: There you go, Kif! I ALMOST felt that one!

KIF: (narrating) After I graduated from basic training, Zapp pulled some strings to make sure I was in his battalion!

Kif and Zapp are shown battling a crowd of robots.

KIF: (narrating) We were soon fighting side by side all over the galaxy, keeping Earth safe as a TEAM! Zapp's accomplishments didn't go unnoticed by the DOOP's top brass, and he soon was their MOST DECORATED OFFICER!

Zapp is shown being given a medal by Glab in front of a crowd of DOOP soldiers.

KIF: (narrating) But Zapp's superiors weren't the ONLY ONES paying attention to his heroics...

Glab is shown sitting in Nixon's office.

NIXON: Sweet Suzanne Pleshette! Who is this SUPER SOLDIER?!

GLAB: Captain Zapp Brannigan, sir. He is a one-man wrecking crew.

NIXON: If ONE Zapp can do that much damage, imagine what a WHOLE ARMY of him could do!

GLAB: What are you proposing, Mr. President?

NIXON: If we tap the keg of Brannigan's DNA and use it to CLONE him, we would have the GREATEST MILITARY IN THE UNIVERSE! There'd be no enemy we couldn't defeat. No planet we couldn't claim as Earth's property!

GLAB: It could work, sir... But such an experiment would require some of the greatest scientific minds of our generation.

NIXON: Indeed it would. Luckily for us, I already have them on my payroll!


Nixon and Agnew are in Mom's office.

NIXON: ...so that's the plan, Carol. Clone the greatest soldier who ever lived to create the greatest military ever!

MOM: I like it! One question: Can this "super army" be BRANDED?

NIXON: What fun would a hostile takeover of the universe be without the "Mom" logo slapped on it?

MOM: Perfect! I'll get my best brains on the job right away! (presses a buzzer)


Farnsworth and Wernstrom enter.

FARNSWORTH: You rang for ME?

WERNSTROM: She was obviously calling ME, Hubert!

MOM: Cram a ham in it, beaker geeks! The President has a very important mission for you! These are my top two scientists... Farnsworth and Wernstrom.

NIXON: Swell. Now, gentlemen, which one of you has a cloning machine?

WERNSTROM: Oh! Oh! I do! Pick me!

NIXON: Great, you get the job! Now let's go to your lab and discuss logistics... we've got a crap-load of cloning to do!

Mom, Agnew, Nixon, and Wernstrom leave while Farnsworth looks disappointed.


Mom, Agnew, Nixon, Wernstrom, and Zapp are in the MomCorp lab.

NIXON: In a few moments, Professor Wernstrom will replicate Zapp's DNA... ...which will then be used to make thousands of soldiers exactly like him! Good times, right?

ZAPP: Yes, sir, but why do you need to clone that many copies of me?

NIXON: For UNIVERSAL HARMONY, Zappy! We want an army of unbeatable soldiers to spread Earth's message of love across the galaxy!

ZAPP: (getting in the machine) Well that DOES sound nice...

NIXON: Attaboy! Now in you go!

WERNSTROM: Just warming up the COPYMATE 3000 and then we'll be on our way!

Unknown to Wernstrom and the rest, Farnsworth is kneeling behind the computer with a blowtorch.

FARNSWORTH: (thinking) Grrr! Let's see what happens when your clones come out of the oven half-baked... Wernstrom!


WERNSTROM: Just about done and-- OH NO! Something's not right! Zapp's DNA is forming triple and quadruple helixes that are spiraling OUT OF CONTROL!

NIXON: Give it to me in non-egghead speak!

WERNSTROM: The DNA has MUTATED and is AFFECTING the original Zapp!

Zapp gets out of the machine. Pinkish purple smoke pours out.

NIXON: BRANNIGAN! Are you all right?!

ZAPP: I...I think so. But I sure could use... (to Mom) ...a full-body hug from this weathered husk of hottie.

MOM: What th--?! Have you lost your mind, soldier?!

ZAPP: Sorry, sorry. I don't know what I'm saying. I just need to rest... and a towel. Perhaps a VELOUR one?


Mom, Nixon, Agnew and Zapp are back in Mom's office, along with Glab.

NIXON: All right, people, so we screwed the pooch here. Let's let Zapp rest up and try again in a few days.

GLAB: I'll keep an eye on him, sir, just to be sure that nothing's out of the ordinary. (to Zapp) Ready to go home, soldier?

ZAPP: Yes, ma'am. But would you mind if we found a drive-thru? I'm totally craving an octo-bacon BOAR BURGER with the pizza crust buns!

GLAB: Are you SURE you're feeling okay, Captain?

ZAPP: Never better! Especially with this light breeze caressing my man dough!


Zapp is back in the barracks with Kif.

KIF: Sir! You're back! How did your "top secret mission" go?

ZAPP: Fine. I can't really say much about it... and even if I could, I probably wouldn't tell YOU.

KIF: But I thought we were FRIENDS...

ZAPP: More importantly, I'm your COMMANDING OFFICER. And right now, I command you to find me a big bucket of churros and a laptop computer... You're going to help me set up a HUMPSTR dating account!

KIF: (narrating) I knew right away something had gone horribly wrong with Zapp while he was away... but no one could've predicted how bad it was going to get!


A group of soldiers are carrying Zapp in a lounge chair while he eats chicken out of a bucket.

ZAPP: I don't know but I've been told!

SOLDIERS: I don't know but I've been told!

ZAPP: A bucket of chicken is best served cold!

Back in the barracks...

KIF: Oh, I see you've begun to study the plans for our defense of the sea monsters from Krofft-7?

ZAPP: There are more pressing matters, Kif. Tell me... (motions to his desk, filled with pictures of various women) ...which one of these females from my Humpstr account looks the EASIEST to you?

On an alien planet, Zapp and Kif are being shot by lasers.

KIF: We're under attack and pinned down by the enemy, sir! What do we do?!

ZAPP: Never fear, Kif! We just need a SHIELD, and we can make our escape! On a related note, how flexible are you?

Zapp folds Kif into a shield shape and runs away with him.

ZAPP: Yup. Just the ticket!

KIF: (getting shot) Owie!

GLAB: (watching Zapp and Kif on a monitor) Hoo-boy... We've got a serious problem.


Glab is speaking to Nixon in his office.

GLAB: Sir, I'm afraid your super soldier experiment has gone horribly awry. Not only is Captain Brannigan not so super anymore... he's quickly becoming SUBPAR!

NIXON: I've got an idea to get him back on track. I've put together a team of Earth's MIGHTIEST HEROES. I think Brannigan would be a PERFECT FIT.


NIXON: Brannigan, welcome to... THE MARVELEERS!

Holding Nixon, Agnew motions towards an Avengers-esque team of superheroes.

THJUNDORR: Greetings, Captain, I am Thjundorr, and we are the--

ZAPP: (to Spandex Spider) Helllooo, sexy! Are you a CLOCK MAKER? Because you've got ME all wound up!

SPANDEX SPIDER: Hey! We're not here to flirt... we're here to SAVE THE WORLD!

ZAPP: Don't see why there's not time for both things.

IRON MAN-ESQUE HERO: Down, soldier boy. We were told you were some kind of great leader and fighter, which is exactly what this group of knuckleheads NEEDS!

ZAPP: If that means I get to stare at this one's curves and imagine them covered in HONEY and COCONUT SHAVINGS, then I'm your man!

BULK: Bulk feel... dirty.

ZAPP: (dragging Spandex Spider out by her arm) All right, Marveleers... let's go defend our world from a sentinel robot psycho who could use a hug and some positive reinforcement!

The rest of the Marveleers follow Zapp out the doorway.


Zapp returns to Nixon's office, where Agnew is feeding Nixon head food. Zapp's uniform is torn up and his face is bleeding.

NIXON: Brannigan?! I thought you were off fighting with the Marveleers to save us from ALLTRON?!

ZAPP: Yes, about that... Apparently, I was the only one smart enough to RUN AWAY from the fight. Those other dummies were all obliterated by Alltron's lasers. (caressing a severed arm) But I did manage to keep a hold of Spandex Spider's arm. I'll spoon with it every night when I go to bed in her sweet memory.

NIXON: Holy Helen Reddy!


Nixon is in a meeting with some aliens.

GLAB: Sir, not only is Alltron running rampant, but we're also fighting several different planets that Captain Brannigan has attacked for no apparent reason.

NIXON: That nincompoop is just picking fights across the universe without provocation?!

ALIEN 2: Well, he DID say one of the planets "looked at him funny" while flying past.

NIXON: Let's send every soldier we've got to stop this insanity!

GLAB: Sir, Zapp already did that... and pretty much all of them are dead!

NIXON: So is there NO ONE that can fight back and save our planet?!

MOM: There's ONE WAY to provide the military with the bodies it needs...

NIXON: Mom?! What th--?! How did YOU get in here?!

MOM: Please, Dick... the White House used to be just ONE of my hundreds of rental properties. Now do you want to know how to stop the bleeding or not?

NIXON: Please! We're desperate here! TAPE-ERASING desperate!


Farnsworth shows off a lab full of tanks to Mom, Nixon, Agnew, and a few military personnel. The tanks all contain mutated clones of Zapp.

FARNSWORTH: The army you need to fight your battles is RIGHT HERE! Send Zapp's clones to clean up his mess... and assuming they all perish, you eliminate any trace of your failed experiment in the process! It's a WIN-WIN!

NIXON: What you're proposing is completely unethical and despicable. So the only answer to such a suggestion is... ...LET'S DO THIS THING!

KIF: (narrating) Zapp was thrilled to have another army at his disposal.

Zapp and Kif walk past a crowd of mutated Zapp clones.

ZAPP: Kif, have you ever seen anything so BEAUTIFUL? It's a shame to have to send them all to their inevitable demise.

KIF: Yes. A "shame."

KIF: (narrating) Professor Farnsworth's plan worked. Zapp's clones were enough to fight off all the different threats, but every one of the clones lost their creepy lives in battle.

The Zapp clones are shown fighting scaly green aliens with large, exposed brains.


Zapp walks into MomCorp and meets with Nixon, Agnew, Glab, and Mom. Zapp is wearing his red and gold DOOP uniform.

ZAPP: Sir, you sent for me?

NIXON: Come in, Zapp. We want to award you with the MEDAL OF HONOR for your heroics while defending our planet! Er... what's with the SKIRT, soldier?

ZAPP: This is the new DOOP uniform I designed. There's nothing quite like the feel of VELOUR on your upper thigh! So about that MEDAL...?

NIXON: Yeah yeah, let's go get it. It's down in Mom's laboratory!

In Mom's laboratory, Zapp stands under a machine.

NIXON: Okay, Zapp, just stand right where you are. You're gonna get your reward real soon.

ZAPP: Sounds good, Mr. Presid--

Professor Farnsworth pulls a lever.


Zapp is solidified in a block of ice, clutching his groin.

NIXON: Sorry, soldier... but this is the only way to truly get rid of every shred of evidence linked to the cloning program.

MOM: What will you do with him now?

GLAB: We have a volunteer who will fly Zapp into space and jettison him there to drift forevermore...

KIF: (narrating) I was the one who dropped Zapp off in deep space, never to be heard from again...

Kif is shown flying a DOOP ship and dropping Zapp off in space.

KIF: (narrating) ...at least, we THOUGHT that would be the case.


Zapp hurtles toward an alien spaceship.

ALIEN 3: Captain! Unidentified flying ice thingy! Dead ahead!

Zapp is shown thawed out on a bed.

ALIEN 3: We found A NOTE with the creature! It says here this thing is from the planet "Earth"... ...and I think we need to take it HOME.



Two aliens return Zapp to Kif.

KIF: (narrating) As requested, they brought Zapp to me. I told him what Nixon did and how he was left in space to drift forever. Zapp wanted vengeance.

KIF: What are you going to do, sir?

ZAPP: Get my life back, Kif, old friend.

KIF: We ARE friends, aren't we?

ZAPP: Kif, you took me out into space and left me to die. I'm going to "friend" the hell out of you until the end of your days.

KIF: I'll take it.

KIF: (narrating) Zapp blackmailed Nixon by threatening to reveal the failed cloning mission. He was named CAPTAIN FOR LIFE, and I his first mate. We were given the Nimbus as our own ship!

NIXON: (signing a paper) Fine! Fine! Just never say a word about this to anyone! "Zappgate" ends here!

KIF: Zapp kept his word and never uttered a peep about how Nixon turned him from our greatest soldier... into our worst!

AMY: Awww... Kiffy, that's so sweet how he really did view you as his only friend!

KIF: Yes. Now you know why I've been putting up with his abuse all this time. Deep down, he's not a bad man.

LEELA: (pushing Bender out the door) Well, thanks for being honest, Kif. We'll let you two get back to your date night.

BENDER: Wait, we didn't see anyone naked yet! What a gyp!

Back on the Planet Express ship...

FRY: That was a heck of a story about Zapp. Could you imagine if there were thousands of his clones still around?


BENDER: The horror!

FRY: Thank goodness they were all wiped out in battle, eh...?


Sal is driving a hovering MomCorp dump truck loaded with Bachelor Chow.

SAL: Okays, who's ready for their dinners?

Sal dumps the load of Bachelor Chow into a pit with tons of hungry Zapp clones.

SAL: Easys, easys... there's enough BACHELORS CHOWS for all yous horrible cloneses!