Comic Transcripts

Comic #67: Tartar House Five
Transcribed by dinkdrinker







Zoidberg is looking at various fish swimming in front of his face...

ZOIDBERG: Everything looks so tasty! Hello, little fishy! Come to Doctor Zoidberg!

PROFESSOR: Zoidberg! Put down that HOLOGRAPHIC MENU and order already! (the Professor, Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg are seen with him sitting in a restaurant)

ZOIDBERG: (to the waiter) What can I get for no money?

WAITER: Free bead and a sneer!

ZOIDBERG: I'll take it!

PROFESSOR: I've asked you all here to the TARTAR HOUSE FIVE-STAR SEAFOOD RESTAURANT to show you my latest invention (he holds up a gold colored ring)... THE QUANTUM RING!

Fry: What's the big whoop?

PROFESSOR: It exists in all time periods simultaneously! (he sets it on the table as the waiter returns)

WAITER: Here's your calamari rings, pops! (Zoidberg stares at them and drools)

LEELA: ALL time periods? Past AND present?

PROFESSOR: Yes. In fact, as soon as I though about inventing it... it had ALREADY always existed!

ZOIDBERG: (reaches for a calamari ring, but unknowingly grabs the Quantum ring instead) No one will miss just one!

PROFESSOR: tonight I'll show it to the Science Council and... oh dear! Where did it go?


PROFESSOR: Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG: I'm sorry! Take it out of my pay! (suddenly Zoidberg and the Professor are quite younger, and are standing outside of Planet Express)

PROFESSOR: Your pay? But we only opened the Planet Express offices THIS MORNING!

ZOIDBERG: (looks around and sees people dressed in much older style clothing) Whaaa?!

PROFESSOR: (walking into Planet Express, and into the conference room) There will be plenty of time to discuss your salary once we start making money! Computer screen on!

COMPUTER: Working!

PROFESSOR: Greetings, crew! How goes our first-ever delivery?

CAPTAIN: We're a little worried Professor!

PROFESSOR: Don't be! The PLANET OF TORTUREBOTS isn't so bad as long as you have the password for safe passage. It's... (the computer screen goes black) What happened?

ZOIDBERG: (leaning over cut wires) Someone must have accidentally cut the power while reaching for that delicious SANDWICH in the owl trap. It was probably Bender.


FRY: Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG: (suddenly in his office with Fry) Or Fry! Yes, let's blame Fry!

FRY: Blame me for what? I was just unfrozen this morning! I haven't had time to screw up yet!

ZOIDBERG: (looks around, thinking) -Gasp!- This is when we first met!

FRY: I know we just met. Are you okay? You look more nervous than I do. And I got a LOBSTER MONSTER examining me!

ZOIDBERG: All right, I'll figure out what's happening later. For now, take off your clothes. (Fry does so behind his back) I'm a lot more familiar with the human body than when I first did this. (turns around and panics when he see's Fry's penis) AAAH! Don't worry, we'll cut that thing right off! (suddenly, he is back at the restaurant) I'm back! Was it a dream?

LEELA: (looking under the table) I can't find the ring anywhere!

PROFESSOR: And Bender didn't take it?

FRY: (standing next to Bender, disassembled on the table) Nope. All that was inside him were our wallets.

BENDER: Told ya! Hope you learned a lesson in trusting me!

ZOIDBERG: Why don't we forget about it and enjoy this tasty free bread? (goes to bite into it, and it suddenly is a lower set of leg bones) Hmmm! This bread tastes a lot like bones!

LEELA: Zoidberg! (She jumps through the air and kicks him in the head) HI-YAAA! Stop eating what's left of Fry! (a skeleton wearing Fry's clothes is on the ground between them. They are on the streets of a destroyed and mostly abandoned city)

ZOIDBERG: I'm so sorry! (points at Leela, who's clothes are torn and tattered) And if you don't mind a little constructive criticism, you look terrible!

PROFESSOR: (hovering above them in an iron lung like machine) You tried to warn us this would happen, Zoidberg, but we just wouldn't listen!

ZOIDBERG: Umm... silly question, but WHAT YEAR is it?

LEELA: THREE THOUSAND AND FIFTEEN A.D. Or two years post-apocalypse.

ZOIDBERG: And what caused all of this?PROFESSOR: How could you of all people forget? It was...

MORBO: (on a television in the restaurant) … Mom and Earth President Nixon!

LINDA: Yes, Morbo, our leader and the richest woman on Earth are GETTING MARRIED after a whirlwind romance!

ZOIDBERG: Professor! I have something important to tell you!

PROFESSOR: (wiping a tear from his eye) Not now, Zoidberg! -Sigh!-

NIXON: (on the Television) To be honest, our love came as a surprise! But just look at those eyes, those lips, those jowls!

MOM: He might not be a crook, but he certainly stole this old woman's heart!

NIXON: We're inviting the whole city of New New York to come watch the nuptials at Madison Cube Garden. Hippies and Democrats can use the BACK ENTRANCE by the dumpsters.

BENDER: (waving one of his arms around in the air excitedly) A wedding? That means free booze, right? I'm glad I voted for Nixon three hundred times!

FRY: There haven't been three hundred elections for Nixon!

BENDER: I love VOTER FRAUD, so sue me!

LEELA: Are you okay, Professor? I know you were once in love with Mom.

PROFESSOR: I always thought that one day we'd... no, no, I'm fine.

ZOIDBERG: (eating a plate nervously) I have a bad feeling about this.

FRY: Eh, it's just TWO JERKS getting married... what's the WORST that could happen?

ZAPP: (flying through the air wearing a jet pack, leading dozens of Zapp clones) I offer you one more chance for honorable suicide!

LEELA: (grabs Zoidberg by his collar and drags him through the streets of a destroyed city, as Zapp/clones fight robots) Run, Zoidberg! Run!

DONBOT: Your velour coat will make a fine rug in my bathroom!

HORRIBLE GELATIOUS BLOB: (pointing to his mouth) Quick! Hide in here!

LEELA: (still dragging Zoidberg) No thanks!


PROFESSOR: (in his flying iron lung, flies over to an abandoned building) A BOOKSTORE! No one ever goes in there!

ZOIDBERG: (now hiding inside with the Professor and Leela) What with all the Zapp Brannigans?

PROFESSOR: Poor Zoidberg must have post-traumatic memory loss!

LEELA: Fine, I'll tell you what happened. Maybe that'll jog your memory!

ZOIDBERG: A snack might help as well.

LEELA: There's no food in here.

ZOIDBERG: Oh, but these cookbooks look DELICIOUS! (grabs an Elzar's cookbook and eats it)

LEELA: It all started with the marriage of Nixon and Mom... (goes to a flashback...)They each claimed to be in love, but it was really all about POWER!

SPACE POPE: You may kiss the jar! (Mom kisses Nixon's jar)

LEELA: (Mom and Nixon are shown together in the Oval Office) Just after they were wed, Mom got Nixon to make her Vice President of Earth, in exchange, he became co-owner of her company. Not content with sharing the money and power, each one tried to kill the other and take it all!

NIXON: (on a table with candles, champagne and a bottle of poison behind him) Happy honeymoon, darling. Drink up!

MOM: (sitting next to him, with a bottle of poison hidden behind her back) You first, sweetie pie!

NIXON: No, you!

MOM: no, you!


LEELA: Since that didn't work, they just declared WAR on each other.

MARRIAGE CONSELOR: As your marriage counselor, I strongly advise against this.

LEELA: Mom led an army of her robots...

MOM: (to a group of killbots) Overriding previous programs. New mission, DESTROY MY HUSBAND!

LEELA: … and Nixon cloned earth's most decorated military hero, Zapp Brannigan.

ZAPP: An entire army to kill one old lady? I LIKE it!

LEELA: (flashback ends) They've destroyed Earth with their pointless war! (Bender suddenly smashes through the wall)ZOIDBERG: Bender! Thank goodness you're here to help us!

LEELA: Bender? Help us? He's a GENERAL in Mom's army!

BENDER: Generalissimo for life, baby! But don't worry, No one's trying to kill civilians.

LEELA: Your war's killed MILLIONS!

BENDER: Yeah, but it's all been friendly fire!

ZAPP: Die, robo scum! Long will people remember me heroically for shooting you in the back! (he shoots Bender's shiny metal ass, and the laser reflects off it, and hits the Professor)

BENDER: You see? Like that!


ZOIDBERG: PROFESSOR! NO! (suddenly Zoidberg and the Professor are in Taco Bellevue)

PROFESSOR: I'm sorry, Zoidberg, but you've been acting FREAKY-DEAKY all day! Just let the nice doctors look at you.

ZOIDBERG: You can't let Mom marry President Nixon!

PROFESSOR: Nixon? He's just a head in a jar in a museum! And I've asked you to never bring HER NAME up again!

DOCTOR WHO (1): (introduces himself and his colleague) This is Doctor Who?

PROFESSOR: ZOIDBERG! He's been acting all loco! I've got to get back to my office. My nephew from the past just got unfrozen, and I have to hide my valuables.

DOCTOR WHO (1): What do you think? I'd like a SECOND DOCTOR'S thoughts!


DOCTOR WHO (2): Not YOU! He means ME! Hmmm... I'm going to need a few more Doctor's opinions.

DOCTOR WHO (3): Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (4): Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (5): Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (6): Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (7): Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (8): Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (9): Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (10) Hmmm...

DOCTOR WHO (11) Looks like you've become UNSTUCK IN TIME. We call it VONNEGUT'S SYNDROME. Sorry, but your insurance doesn't cover time disorders. You are already your own preexisting condition!

FRY: (sitting at the Planet Express conference table) Hey, doc! You look sad. What do people get depressed about here in the year three thousand?

ZOIDBERG: I need to stop a wedding between Mom and Nixon in the future, or the Earth is DOOMED! But no one BELIEVES me.

FRY: I do!


FRY: Sure! After everything that's happened to me today, I'll believe anything!

ZOIDBERG: (hugs Fry) Dear sweet Fry. I'm so sorry for eating your leg!

FRY: (shocked) What?

ZOIDBERG: (suddenly he's back to the destroyed city) ...aaaand we're back in the apocalypse.

FRY: (comes running up) DOCTOR ZOIDBERG! It's time to put your crazy plan into action!

ZOIDBERG: What crazy plan was that again?

FRY: It's simple! You just- (Fry gets hit by 'friendly fire') YAAAAH!

ZAPP: Friendly fire! Sorry!

ZOIDBERG: so THIS is why I was holding Fry's bones earlier! Oh well... no point wasting them. (now he is seen in a large arena with Fry and the Professor) Huh? When am I now?

PROFESSOR: -Sigh!- Letting Mom go was the BIGGEST MISTAKE of my life.

THORGO: (a purple/pink multi eyed and tentacled creature) You said creating ME was the biggest mistake of your life.

PROFESSOR: Quiet, Thorgo!

FRY: Wow, Doctor Zoidberg. This is all happening just like you said it would! Any idea who's winning the lotto this month?

ZOIDBERG: You remember! So that WAS real! This is all real! That means I have to stop...


NIXON: Just get on with it, your Holiness.

MOM: Yeah! I'm paying you by the hour. Keep it snappy!

SPACE POPE: If anyone has reason why these two should not be married, let them speak now or forever hold their tongue, speak box, or telepathic brain.

ZOIDBERG: (jumps up) I OBJECT!

SPACE POPE: (annoyed) On what grounds?

ZOIDBERG: On the grounds that er, um... (thinks to himself, as he goes through his pockets) Please let something be in here! (he pulls out a picture) Ooooh! That IS good! (he shows the Space Pope the picture) I object because Mom is ALREADY MARRIED! To the Professor!

PROFESSOR: Whaaaa? Where did you get that picture?

ZOIDBERG: I don't know yet! (suddenly, he is in front of Planet Express) I'm back in the past! THINK, Zoidberg! Use your brain for something besides storing ink!

FATHER CHANGSTEIN EL-GAMAL: Excuse me, my son. Would you like to make a donation to the First Amalgamated Church?

ZOIDBERG: FATHER! I want to become a Minister!

FATHER CHANGSTEIN EL-GAMAL: Oh! That takes years of study and soul searching!


FATHER CHANGSTEIN EL-GAMAL: Done! I've always wanted those great 'Doctors Only' parking spots.

ZOIDBERG: (now standing in the hangar as the ship takes off) NOW where am I?

PROFESSOR: Fry, Leela and Bender have just set off on their first delivery! I'm so proud! When do you want in the PLANET EXPRESS CREW DEATH POOL? I say they'll last a month.

ZOIDBERG: Can't talk. Have to make a call! (picks up the phone)


MOM: (walks in Planet Express) I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?

ZOIDBERG: In the conference room!

MOM: (walks in) Hey! How come he's not dying?

ZOIDBERG: Yes, there is a simple explanation. I was lying!

PROFESSOR: What's SHE doing here? I never wanted to see her again!

MOM: Same here,you old coot!

ZOIDBERG: See? You two have so much in common. Here! Have a drink I just made.

PROFESSOR: Well, I AM thirsty.

MOM: So am I. During my last plastic surgery they accidentally took out my spit glands.


(Mom and the Professor are drunk, fooling around on the couch)

MOM: I can't remember why we ever broke up!

PROFESSOR: And I can't remember where I put my shoes! But I know one thing... I never stopped loving you.

ZOIDBERG: Why not get married? Here's a veil and top hat I made!

MOM: Sure!


ZOIDBERG: I'll take that as two 'I dos!' I now pronounce you HUSBAND AND WIFE! Smile for the camera! (takes the picture, then immediately the Professor and Mom collapse asleep on the couch) Yes, you sleep. That was a lot of everything in the medicine cabinet you just drank! Now into my pocket you go, Mr. picture! (Zoidberg is now back at Madison Cube Garden, where the ceremony is taking place. He looks at the picture) So THAT'S how I did it! It's a good thing I never take off this coat and don't ever look in my pockets!

SPACE POPE: (to Mom) I can't marry you if you already have a husband! Maybe if you get a divorce in a few months...

MOM: I can't wait that long to kill this jerk!

NIXON: You were going to kill ME? I was going to do the same to YOU!

MOM: Aside from a lust for power, that's the FIRST THING we've had in common!

IGNER: Does this mean mommy and daddy are married?

LARRY: Legally, it does. We're family now. This changes thing for all of us!

PROFESSOR: Does it, Carol? Does it change everything?

MOM: It changes JACK and SQUAT! I gave up love for power years ago. There's no future for us! Walt! Get my lawyer on the phone! I want this marriage annulled by morning!

URL: Wedding's over, folks! Nothing to see here!

NIXON: (to the headless clone of Agnew, who is carrying him away) Maybe I could marry the WASP QUEEN OF VALFAR 5. I've always been a thorax man!

ZOIDBERG: I did it! I saved the world, but no one will ever know.

FRY: I know! Congratulations, pal! (he slaps Zoidberg on the back, and he coughs out the ring and it goes flying...)

BENDER: (in the background getting beaten by Smitty and Url) I'm not leaving without my free booze!

LEELA: Professor? Are you all right? Something just flew into your mouth!

PROFESSOR: Ack! -GULP!- Waaaa? Where am I? (he is suddenly much younger and is dancing with a much younger Mom)

MOM: Where ARE you? We're on our first date! Now are you going to dance or just stand there like an idiot?

PROFESSOR: (thinks to himself) Hmmmm... with my superior intellect I could try to figure out what's happening... but there's ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD for that later. (the Professor dips Mom deeply as they dance to Styx's 'Mr. Roboto'... and the robots revolt against the human workers.)