Comic Transcripts

Comic #65: The Sun Also Raises!
Transcribed by Umbreon








Bender is swimming with a six pack of Olde Fortran in his hand. A large shark is underneath him.

BENDER: Nothing like a little late-night drinking and diving!

CAPTION BOX: Editor's note - Bender is not a role model. Do not act like Bender. EVER!

Bender comes back on shore with the shark chomped down on his ass.

BENDER: Ahhhh... refreshing! That cool seawater had a REAL BITE to it!

Fry walks up, wearing green swim trunks.

FRY: Bender! Night swimming is really dangerous!

BENDER: (drying off) Says who?

Fry narrates over a quick flashback. His teenage self is floating on an air mattress in a pool, watching a movie.

FRY: I learned the hard way while I was night swimming and watching a JAWS movie on TV!

On the beach, he taps his head.

FRY: The doctor said the shock from the TV falling in the pool caused permanent barn damage.

BENDER: You mean BRAIN damage!

FRY: That's what I just salmoned!

On the beach is a sign. One arrow points to the side and states 'nude beach'. A second points the other way under 'prude beach. The crew is in their swimsuits, while the Professor is on the nude side.

LEELA: Wait a minute. It shouldn't be nighttime at all. It's only noon!

PROFESSOR: You're right, Leela. I should look into this! Now back to the office! Our lunchtime BEACH BREAK is over!

Scant minutes later...

The crew is in the lounge, watching TV.

TV: We interrupt "All My Circuits" for a message from Earth president Nixon!

Nixon's head in a jar comes on screen.

NIXON: Greetings, taxbags!

As you know, we're in a recession brought about by your last president!

LEELA: Wait a minute, HE was our last president.

NIXON: To make ends meet, I wanted to use hippies as slave labor...

He looks down at a picture of a large star.

NIXON: ... but apparently that goes against the Bill of something or other. So instead, I secretly SOLD the sun three years ago to save Earth from going bankrupt. Since that time, we've been RENTING the sun from the planet NEW HOLDEM. Unfortunately, the headless clone of Spiro Agnew forgot to send last month's rent.

Next to the table, the headless clone shrugs.

LEELA: Why do we keep electing him?

BENDER: Earth's boned! I'm moving to Canada!

The TV screen changes to show the sun, covered by a dark barrier.

NIXON: The Newholdemites have placed a SOLAR SHIELD in front of the sun.

Unless we PAY THE RENT by noon, they'll enclose it in a force field and take away all our heat as well.

AMY: All they have to do is pay the rent? That's not so bad!

The Professor enters smiling.

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! *he holds up an envelope* Planet Express has been asked to deliver this very important rent check to the center of our solar system. The secret service just dropped it off.

LEELA: That's all? Just take this check to the sun landlords? No killer robots, man-eating plants, or a third even worse thing?

PROFESSOR: No! Now quit your jibber-jabbering!

This has to be delivered by noon, Greenwich Space Time!


The ship is out in space.

LEELA: We need to stop for fuel on the way!

BENDER: What?! Why? We get it free from Nibbler!

Leela points at Nibbler, who is curled up asleep with a long brown fluffy tail coming out of his mouth.

LEELA: Earth's darkness put Nibbler into such a deep sleep that he hasn't had his morning poop yet. Who could wake something that cute?

Nibbler purrs and the tail wiggles. Bender pulls put cymbals and sneaks up on Nibbler.

BENDER: I'm on it!

LEELA: No! There's a gas station on the way to the sun!


The ship is landed at a station and Fry and Leela are in their spacesuits. Bender and Fry head into the station while Leela fills up the ship.

LEELA: While you're paying, pick up some litter for Nibbler's box!

Much later...

Fry walks out of the store alone.

LEELA: What took you so long?

FRY: Long story short, Bender might have accidentally married the cash register.

Even later still...

Fry and Leela walk into the station, where Bender is standing with Preacherbot. Next to them, the register is stuffed with money.

PREACHERBOT: ... and so, by my performing the wedding ceremony backwards, the divorce is finalized! Your marriage file has been placed in the trash!

BENDER: She took me for everything!

He opens his chest and pulls out a paper.

BENDER: No, wait! I've still got this check!

LEELA: Oh no! What time is it?

Again with the later...

Fry, Leela, and Bender are on an asteroid with two green aliens. One has a mustache and the other has two small tendrils on either side of his mouth.

LEELA: Oh come on, we're just a few minutes late. Turn the sun back on!

TENDRIL ALIEN: Sorry, we've just sealed off the force field. We can open it on our next business day!

LEELA: And when's that?

TENDRIL ALIEN: Maybe tomorrow... maybe in a few months.

BENDER: Sounds fair!

He turns to Fry and Leela.

BENDER: How long can you meatsacks go without heat and light again?

FRY: Why can't you just take the force field off NOW?

TENDRIL ALIEN: It's our annual global holiday! We can't work until a WINNER is declared.

LEELA: A winner?

TENDRIL ALIEN: Yep. Our whole world holds a giant poker tournament. Sometimes it takes weeks... sometimes months!

MUSTACHE ALIEN: But at the end, the winner gets whatever they want!

TENDRIL ALIEN: Now if you'll excuse us, we've got to go buy the traditional visors and sunglasses!

They turn to leave.

LEELA: WAIT! If we enter and win, can you take the force field down?

MUSTACHE ALIEN: Well... yeah. But we don't usually let OUTSIDERS participate.

LEELA: It probably wouldn't have helped. I've never played poker before.

TENDRIL ALIEN: ... but we LOVE new inexperienced players! You can ALL be in if you have the entrance fee!

FRY: We'll use the RENT CHECK!

LEELA: I don't know... that's not our money.

BENDER: And I really wanted to spend it on malt liquor and floozies.*

CAPTION BOX: *See? Really, REALLY not a role model! - Editor

Back on Earth...

The crew is watching Morbo and Linda on TV. Both of them are wearing heavy coats and Linda has a scarf.

MORBO: And so, Earth's temperature continues to drop, with only my RAGE TOWARDS HUMANITY keeping me warm!

LINDA: Hee *she shivers* hee!

Amy, the Professor, and Zoidberg are wearing coats and Amy has a large steaming mug.

AMY: (shivering) Pr-pr-professor, can we please turn up the heat?

PROFESSOR: No! Just drink some more hot cocoa!

AMY: But Zoidberg's FACESICLES keep falling into it!

Zoidberg points into her mug, where a frozen snapped off tendril is floating.

ZOIDBERG: Are you going to finish that?

PROFESSOR: I'm sorry, Amy. We must conserve all the energy we can.

They go out onto the street. Outside is a huge laser firing a beam straight down at the ground.

PROFESSOR: We have to power this SUPER LASER I've aimed at the Earth's core. It will increase the internal heat of the planet and perhaps give us a few more days of life!

Wernstrom flies over on a rocket bike holding a sack.

WERNSTROM: Farnsworth, you old fool!


WERNSTROM: Earth's only chance is to freeze quickly and perhaps get thawed out later! I'm seeding the clouds to make it snow even HARDER!

PROFESSOR: I can't even IMAGINE a stupider plan!

Fry, Bender, and Leela stand at the foot of the ship's stairs.

FRY: Okay, so here's the plan. We have enough money from the rent check for each of us to enter the tournament! All we have to do is beat everyone on the planet and we'll get the sun back! How hard could that be?

BENDER: The odds of us winning are 1,236,595 to 1!

LEELA: You have a PROBABILITY PROGRAM installed?

BENDER: Yep. It was a free downloadable app in the last issue of PLAYBOT!

LEELA: You can use that to count cards and determine each hand's outcome!

BENDER: You got it!


There are many poker tables set up inside a casino. Most of the people playing are the same species of alien as the ones on the asteroid, with a few others scattered around.

BENDER: There's NO WAY old Bender can lose!

Seconds later...

Bender walks back out to where Fry and Leela are standing.

BENDER: I've got some good news and some bad news.

LEELA: What's the bad news?

BENDER: I lost everything!

FRY: What's the good news?

BENDER: I lost THAT, too!

An alien in a shirt and tie walks out to meet them.

ALIEN: Sorry, robot. Our cards get randomly generated after each hand so counting cards doesn't work. We don't allow cheating of any kind.

BENDER: You accuse me of CHEATING?! That really stings!

ALIEN: So you WEREN'T cheating?

BENDER: Of course I was. But the truth hurts!

B-b-back on Earth...

Hermes and Amy are standing under a revamped streetlight in their normal clothes. Hattie is next to them in a bikini.

The Professor is under a different light, still bundled up and fiddling with the wires inside the pole.

HERMES: Professor! Replacing the street lamps with high-powered SUN LAMPS was a great idea!

HATTIE: Who wants to rub sunblock on me?

PROFESSOR: It's just another small step, holding back our inevitable death! Welcome to MY world!

He spots Wernstrom and points at him.

PROFESSOR: Wernstrom! Give up your crazy plan of seeding the clouds!

WERNSTROM: Oh, I've moved on from that! It was going too slowly. So I've converted all the water in the reservoir into LIQUID NITROGEN!

HERMES: (gasps) Scruffy just went to take a hot shower!

He turns and runs for the building.

HERMES: We need to get to the bathroom immediately!

PROFESSOR: Welcome to MY world!

HERMES: No! We're too late!

Hermes and Amy pull Scruffy out of the shower. He's frozen in a solid slab.

PROFESSOR: On the bright side, he was showering like he always does... with his clothes on.

The Professor goes outside onto the balcony and points down.

PROFESSOR: You've gone too far this time, Wernstrom! This means WAR!

WERNSTROM: Then I'll make sure that it's a COLD war!

Back on New Holdem...

Leela is up in the ship while Fry and Bender wait at the bottom of the stairs.

LEELA: Okay, boys, it's time for a weapon I don't like to use, but the world is at stake!

BENDER: What kind of weapon? An atomic bomb?

FRY: A bear with chainsaw paws?

Leela comes down the stairs in a tight red dress that has one strap and a large hole in the side. Fry's jaw drops.

LEELA: Nope!

FRY: Wa... wa... wa--

BENDER: Go get 'em, floozy!

Leela walks into the casino and up to a table. None of the aliens seem too impressed.

LEELA: Hey, boys! Is there room for one more?

ALIEN: (doesn't look up from his cards) Yes. Yes, there is.

LEELA: I hope my OUTFIT isn't too distracting...

ALIEN: (doesn't look up again) It's not.

Later, Leela is sitting in on a hand.

LEELA: Do any of you big strong men know how much a lady like me should bet when she's only got one little old jack?

ALIEN: I'm gonna stop you right there. You can't distract us with seduction. We're all male, but biologically programmed to serve our one queen. And we're not really into HER either.

He points to an older alien of the same species, wearing a blue coat and a crown.

QUEEN: I guess I HAVE let myself go.


Back on Earth, there's a building with a large sign on it. It reads, 'The Cubists. Group showing at the new Guggenheim Art Museum.'


Wernstrom is standing on the roof of a building with a ray gun.

WERNSTROM: Now you're the ICE cubists!

He fires and coats the building in a thick layer of ice.

WERNSTROM: HA! My portable FREEZE RAY is a complete success! First New New York, then I freeze the world! If only FARNSWORTH could see me now!


The Professor is standing a few feet away, holding his own gun that connects to a pack on his back.

PROFESSOR: At least I could if this portable STEAM HEATER I'm using to warm the city wasn't clouding up my glasses!

The gun fires a shot of steam at Wernstrom.

WERNSTROM: HEY! Watch where you're aiming that thing!

He screams as he backs up dangerously close to the edge of the roof and topples over. He aims his gun down and fires.

WERNSTROM: Freeze ray, make a snow bank!

He lands in the pile of snow with a 'twumph!' When he walks out, he runs into Smitty and URL.

SMITTY: HEY! You can't use GEOTHERMAL WEAPONRY here! You there, FREEZE!

Wernstrom fires and covers Smitty in ice.


URL: Aw man, that's cold!

The Professor walks up as URL is frozen solid as well.

WERNSTROM: This is for your OWN GOOD! You'll thank me in the future!

PROFESSOR: Wernstrom, you've always been a punk! When I'm done with you, you'll be a STEAM punk!

They both lift their ray guns and fire.

WERNSTROM: Chill out, old man!

H.G. Blob walks down the street, making them lift their guns.

H.G. BLOB: Will you two get out of my way? Some of us still have to get to work!

They both fire, freezing half of his ooze body and steaming the other. He falls back onto the ground.

H.G. BLOB: Well... THIS is new.

PROFESSOR: You know your plan can't work!

WERNSTROM: Probably not. But when I've frozen everyone else, I'll just

keep the remaining heat

for myself. I've always been the only person on Earth I've really liked, anyway. Maybe I'll rename the planet. What do you think of WERNSWORLD?


Leela is still at the poker table.


ALIEN: Call.

LEELA: I have a full house!

ALIEN: Four of a kind.

He reaches out and pulls in all the chips on the table.

LEELA: Did you think I said, "ALL in?" I said "SMALL in." Meaning I wanted to bet the SMALLEST amount possible.

She walks over to where Fry and Bender are waiting.

LEELA: ... and I'm out.

FRY: At least you kept your dignity.

LEELA: I lost THAT in between my lying and begging to stay in the game. It's up to you, Fry!

FRY: What can I do? I can't be pretty like you or smart like Bender.

LEELA: Just... be you.

BENDER: Our solar system was never all that great anyway. Don't even think of the BILLIONS OF PEOPLE depending on you.

Fry gulps loudly, then walks over to a table.

ALIEN: So, Earth man... what kind of cheating are you going to attempt?

FRY: None. I'd just like to bet this one chip!

And shortly...

Fry has a huge pile of chips in front of him.

ALIEN: You've amassed nearly all the chips of everyone on the planet!

FRY: I guess so.

ALIEN: How is this possible?

FRY: I dunno.

Another alien in an orange shirt walks up.

ALIEN #2: We demand a CHEAT SCAN!

They put what looks like a hair drier from a salon on Fry's head.

ALIEN: The cheat scan is starting!

ALIEN #2: This machine detects any and all forms of deception!

ALIEN: (reads the output) It's NEGATIVE! He's not cheating!

ALIEN #2: Then how?

QUEEN: The Earth man has tapped into one of the PRIMAL FORCES of the universe. DUMB LUCK!

FRY: (holds up four aces) I win AGAIN? Really?!


Leela and Bender are behind Fry. His pile of chips is even bigger.

LEELA: You did it, Fry! You won the sun back again.

FRY: I was just lucky, I guess.

QUEEN: All of our laws and religions are based on the power of luck! You are a HOLY MAN here!

Fry gets up and walks over to a large fountain.

FRY: Cool! Let me try walking on water!

Leela and the queen look down into the water seconds later, watching the bubbles rising from the bottom.

QUEEN: Yes. That's DUMB LUCK, all right! Take him from our sewer and go in peace! The sun is yours again!

And so...

The crew is on the beach again, the sun shining brightly. Zoidberg is spreading butter on his shell, Nibbler is eating a ham, and Scruffy is thawing out.

AMY: Woo-hoo! It's good to have the sun back!

SCRUFFY: Scruffy feels like the time he fell asleep in that CARBONITE factory.

LEELA: ... and Fry even won the sun back, so Earth OWNS it again!

BENDER: (holds a small switch) And they even let us keep their force field generator.

FRY: No, they didn't.

BENDER: Hmmm. Then I must have STOLEN it.

While Fry and Bender are looking at the control, Wernstrom is holding a grenade and hiding behind Sal, who is buried in sand.

WERNSTROM: You think you've won, Farnsworth? I may have lost my WINTER WONDERLAND, but I've got one more FREEZE GRENADE up my sleeve! After all, revenge is a dish best served cold!

Fry now has the controller and is moving a lever at the top.

FRY: How does this thing work, anyway?

LEELA: Careful, Fry! You'll break it!

FRY: Whoa! There it goes!

A white barrier appears, covering Fry, Leela, Bender, and the Professor. Wernstrom jumps out and throws the grenade, but it hits the force field and bounces back at him.


PROFESSOR: Fry! Stop poking buttons you don't understand!

FRY: I guess my dumb luck is over!

Cubert looks at Wernstrom, who is frozen mid-run.

CUBERT: PSHH! That's the UGLIEST ice sculpture I've ever seen!

CAPTION BOX: The end... if you're cool with that!