Comic Transcripts

Comic #64: Secret Santa
Transcribed by dinkdrinker







SCENE- The Planet Express entrance foyer. The doorbell rings, and Fry goes to answer it...

FRY: Who is it?

TINNY TIM: The internet! (Fry opens the door to him, and Tim hands him what looks like a rolled up newspaper) Here's our daily world wide web, Sir!

FRY: Thanks!

TINNY TIM: A tip is expected! (Fry searches in his pocket as Bender walks by)

BENDER: Yo, kid! Let me give you some good advice! (slams the door in his face) Always expect the unexpected!

FRY: (walks into the lounge, and opens the paper internet on the table) Hey, everyone! The internet's here! (as he opens it, holographic images including, but not limited to: cats, Hypnotoad, and Bart Simpson, appear above them)

AMY/FRY/LEELA: Ooooh! Aaaah!

FRY: Who's in charge of the internet, anyway?

AMY: The Robot Devil.

FRY: Really?

SCENE: cuts to Robot Hell.

ROBOT DEMON: My Dark Master, what torture should I use on the Leaf Blowers?

ROBOT DEVIL: Just wake them up at 5A.M. Every morning... FOREVER! Now leave me alone. I need to post something snarky on every message board in the universe!

SCENE: cuts back to Planet Express

LEELA: Oh, look! Someone has embarrassing footage of MOM working out!

AMY: Click it! Click it!

MOM: (on the video. She is sitting on an exercise bike) So how does this Mercurian spin class work?

MURCURIAN: We've strapped your feet to the pedals. Just let the rotation of the planet spin the wheels under you.

MOM: (her feet start moving at an incredible speed) AAAAAH! It's too fast, you disgusting goo bag! (she starts to sweat profusely, and her wig falls off, revealing that she is bald)

MURCURIAN: (holding a pair of glasses similar to the Professor's) You really should wear these safety glasses!

MOM: (hunched over the bike) PANT! WHEEZE!

PROFESSOR: (walks in and sees the end of the video) Oooh! Who's that hot young thing?

LEELA: (points to a picture of Nixon) Here's some footage of PRESIDENT NIXON and GERALD FORD stealing towels from the Watergate Hotel.

FORD: (in the video he is being held in one hand by the Headless clone of Spiro Agnew, while Nixon is held in the other) Why are we doing this again?

NIXON: Because you owe me one, and I owe them one! Now run, Spiro! Run!

BENDER: (points to a picture of Calculon) Oh! Play this one! It's Calculon in a commercial that was only supposed to be shown in the Andromeda galaxy!

CALCULON: (the video shows him sitting in a chair by a roaring fire, in a very posh setting) Hello, friends. Like many robots my age, I suffer from an EMBARRASSING CONDITION... but now there's a solution for ADULT OIL LEAKAGE. Absorbot Robo-diapers are discreet. So much so, that I wear them in my motion pictures without anyone noticing.

The scene changes to a clip from one of Calculon's movies-

ASSASSIN: (threatens with a knife) Die, Mr. Astronaut President!

CALCULON: (wearing a humongous baggy white diaper) Get off my space shuttle!

FRY: I kinda feel bad watching these.

PROFESSOR: Pish and tosh! If you don't want to be humiliated on the internet, just don't do anything embarrassing.

BENDER: Hey! Here's a file with the Professor's picture on it!

PROFESSOR: WHAAAA?! (Bender clicks it)

ELZAR: (the video plays and Elzar is serving a customer) Is there anything else I can get you, Neil Degrasse Tyson?

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON'S HEAD: (looks over and sees the Professor hiding) Can you get a busboy to hose down the bushes? My stalker is back.

PROFESSOR: Gasp! Then the BLACKMAILER in my dream last night was real!

The scene changes to show the Professor in bed dreaming, as a Neptunian elf wearing a ski mask and a jet pack flies by the Professor and Neil Degrasse Tyson's head using dolphins as surfboards).

ELF: ...so if you don't send the money to the bank account I mentioned, I'll put up embarrassing footage of you every week1

PROFESSOR: Oh, let me and NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON surf on our dream dolphins! Leave me alone.


FRY: (holds a small video camera) Professor, I think I found a hidden blackmail camera.

PROFESSOR: Where was it?

FRY: (points to a cupboard in the kitchen) Right here on the shelf behind BENDER'S hidden blackmail camera.

BENDER: Ah, I quit that MONTHS ago! The footage of you meatbags was too boring!

AMY: (pulls a camera out of a coffee mug) They're all over the place!


PROFESSOR: (gestures towards his workbench covered in spy cameras) All these cameras have been transmitting signals of us into space! I've tracked them back to... (points at a display monitor) NEPTUNE! (everyone gasps)

LEELA: Then it must be Santa, must be Santa, must be Santa... Santa Claus!

PROFESSOR: You're right! He uses these to discover who's naughty and who's nice... and now he's using that knowledge for blackmail! We need to stop that homicidally jolly old elf! And be WE, I mean YOU!



The Planet Express Ship is painted red, has a smiley face and a red nose, antlers, and jingle bells attached to it.

HERMES: The ship's ready, Professor!

PROFESSOR: Excellent! This CAMOUFLAGE should increase the mission's chances of success by twenty percent!

FRY: which means?

PROFESSOR: You now have a TEN PERCENT chance of success!


aboard the Planet Express Ship, en route to Neptune...

LEELA: We're almost in Santa space. How are you doing, Fry? Nervous?

FRY: Not really. Robot Santa's literally a KILLING MACHINE, but it's still less stressful than Christmas with my family.

NEPTUNIAN SECURITY: (over the P.E. Ships speakers) This is Neptune! Identify yourself.

FRY: Uh, Dasher?

NEPTUNIAN SECURITY: Good to have you back, Sir! And what's the password?

FRY:I... er... uh...

BENDER: The Easter Bunny's a jerk!

NEPTUNIAN SECURITY: That's not it, but I like it! Proceed through the FIVE GOLDEN SECURITY RINGS. You're cleared to land!

SCENE: a windy, barren field of snow. The Ship lands, and Leela, Fry, Bender, and Zoidberg exit the ship.

LEELA: Santa's workshop is one kilometer from here. We need to get there and erase all his computer files! OPERATION SILENT NIGHT begins now!

The crew arrives at the village (XMAS VILLAGE- KEEP OUT!), and run into security robots that look like drummers.

FRY: Look at all that security.

BENDER: If any of those drummer bots spots us, we're doomed!

LEELA: Hmmm... Santa's security system is triggered by naughty thoughts. All we need is someone innocent enough to get through and DEACTIVATE the alarms.

FRY: But who?

ZOIDBERG: (laying in the snow) WEEE! Look at me! I'm an Angel!


FRY: (whispering) You're right! None of the guards are noticing Doctor Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG: (walks right past the guards) A beautiful snowy day with friends! It's like the best Xmas ever! (walks over to a power box and opens it) Are these the wires you want cut?!

LEELA: (whispers) Shhhhh! Yes!

ZOIDBERG: (singing as he cuts the wires) You'd better not pout! You'd better not cry! Zoidberg's claws are coming to town!

DRUMMER BOT: Drummer bots... shutting down... (falls over in the snow)

FRY: Way to go, Zoidberg!

LEELA: Now all we have to do is shut off the main alarm system just past the mess hall!


ELF 1: I'm glad it's dinnertime! I'm starving!

ELF 2: That's because Santa STARVES us!

ELF 1: (grabs a tray) What's for dinner tonight?

BUMBLES: (The Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer) Shrimp Cocktail. Take just one shrimp each and a thimble of cocktail sauce.

ELF 2: Oh well, I'll just have to sing carols extra loud to cover my growling stomach! We can't really complain.

ELF 1: Yes... because it's PUNISHABLE by candy caning!

ZOIDBERG: (looking in the mess hall window) Those shrimp! So plump and tender! (the alarm goes off)

LEELA: The alarm? But how?

FRY: Doctor Zoidberg, what happened?

ZOIDBERG: I had impure thoughts about a shrimp ring! (three rock hard fruitcakes knock Fry, Leela, and Bender unconscious) Hey! Why do THEY all get fruitcake? (he then gets hit in the head by one) That's better! OOOOH!


FRY: (comes to in a stocking) Groan! Where are we?

WIKKY: (Wikky is a blonde elf) You're hung by the chimney with care!

LEELA: Who are you?

BENDER: Let us down or I'm stealing your cereal with all it's marshmallow surprises!

WIKKY: The name's Wikky! I'm in charge of recording all the naughty things everyone on Earth has done! (points at Leela) Naughty things like you coming here to assassinate Santa!

LEELA: What? That's not what we're doing at all!

WIKKY: (starts tapping away at his computer) But it WILL BE once I program the computer to say that was your plan! You see, I...

BENDER: Aw geez! Is this gonna be a monologue where you tell us your evil plan? That's always so boring!

ZOIDBERG: Bender, don't be rude! I would love to hear your boring plan!

WIKKY: For years, Santa has kept us Neptunians under his iron fist! We've been too poor to fight back! But once I was put in charge of the naughty list, I began using Santa's secret footage to blackmail the RICH. Soon I'll have enough money to fund a coup. Then I'll take Robot Santa's place as WIKKY CLAUS!

LEELA: And you'll rule with kindness?

WIKKY: No, I'll still be a power-mad dictator. If the system ain't broke, don't fix it!

FRY: What about us?

WIKKY: Santa will trust me EVEN MORE once I show him the bodies of the EARTHLINGS who came to kill him.

ZOIDBERG: Technically, I'm not an Earthling. I just want to make sure you get my DEATH CERTIFICATE right. If you need any help, I fill out at least five of those a week in my job. I'm not a very good doctor.

WIKKY: (takes out a flame thrower) I'll tell Santa you all tried to climb down the chimney, so I lit a fire to stop you. And then we'll laugh at how STUPID you all were. (a loud 'HO HO HO!' interrupts him) Yes, we'll laugh just like that! (he now realizes Robot Santa is looming over him) Uh-oh!

BENDER: I used my wifi antenna to text him. I'm hoping it makes your boring story more interesting. I used to work for him, and I still have his private number. (3ACV03- 'A Tale of Two Santas')

WIKKY: This isn't how it looks!

ROBOT SANTA: Don't worry, Wikky! I'm not mad. In fact, I'm promoting you!

WIKKY: Pr-promoting me?

ROBOT SANTA: Yes, to be one of my special helpers. Pick up a red suit and report to the AMAZONIA SHOPPING MALL right away!

WIKKY: Oh no! NO!

SCENE: Wikky is dressed as Santa, and has Kug on his lap crushing him, as Thog leads an Amazonian choir in a rousing rendition of 'Let it Snu! Let it Snu! Let it Snu snu!')

KUG: … and me want brush for my hair and a new bag for my club!

SCENE: Robot Santa's palace. He has freed the Planet Express crew, and gave them a lavish feast.

ROBOT SANTA: More stuffed goose, anyone?

LEELA: (licking her fingers) No! I'm full!

FRY: (has his hands across his bulging gut) Me, too! Thanks Santa! This was great!

BENDER: (chowing down rum balls) Why didn't anyone tell me rum came in ball form?!

ROBOT SANTA: I always say your last meal should be a good one.


ROBOT SANTA: Yes, I understand why you invaded my planet, but rules are rules. The penalty for TRESPASSING is a quick and painful death. (reaches for a candy cane bazooka, and aims it at them) But first, one last Xmas gift! A thirty second head start! Go!

FRY: (tries to drag Zoidberg away as Bender and Leela run) Zoidberg! RUN!

ZOIDBERG: (licking the plates) But the pudding! It's so FIGGY!

LEELA: (points to Wikky's home) This way! We can use Wikky's computer to call for help!

FRY: Good idea! Who were those guys the news always said were waging a war on Xmas? LIBERALS! We should get them to help us!

BENDER: (under the influence of super concentrated rum balls, closes the door after they all run in) I'll hold the door shut until I don't feel like doing it anymore.

FRY: There's the computer! I'm on it! (starts typing)

LEELA: Are you contacting the Professor?

FRY: Right after I update my MYFACE status! (changes Myface status to 'running for my life')

LEELA: Well?

FRY: To make sure someone on Earth gets this message, I'll just hit 'SEND ALL' (sends the message)

BENDER: (looking at the half eaten rum ball, after letting Santa inside) Hey, guys, was I supposed to let Santa in or keep him out? Man, those RUM BALLS were pretty strong.

ROBOT SANTA: Ho, Ho... (sees what Fry just did) NOOOOOOOOOO! You just sent the entire dark secret file to EVERY email address on Earth! The ensuing chaos will destroy your world!

LEELA: Then we have to TEAM UP and beat the email signal to Earth!

ROBOT SANTA: (Thinks) Agreed! Without your pathetic little world, I'm out of a job. Where are you parked?


At the Planet Express Ship...

ROBOT SANTA: You parked in a handicapped spot?! This is definitely going on the naughty list!

LEELA: That signal will be traveling close to the speed of light! We need to be faster.

ROBOT SANTA: My sleigh is one of the fastest vehicles in the universe!

LEELA: If we combine it with our ship, we just might be fast enough! (Santa's reindeer are soon attached to the sides of the Planet Express Ship and Santa's sleigh is being towed behind)

ROBOT SANTA: Once we hit deep space, I'll kick on the afterburners and pull your ship the rest of the way!

BENDER: (hanging out the side of Santa's sleigh) YAHOOOO!


Santa's sleigh has pulled the Planet Express ship back to Planet Express... and through the roof, and embedded it into the floor.

PROFESSOR: (comes running over) Santa?

LEELA: (crawling out of the front window) We MADE it!

HERMES: (under a small pile of debris) Groan! Xmas seems to come earlier every year!


PROFESSOR: That's not good news! That's not good news at all! The email should be here in less than thirty seconds. We need a receiver so powerful it'll absorb every email on the planet.

FRY: How about you, Santa?

ROBOT SANTA: (embarrassed) Oh, I don't have an antenna. My parents removed it for religious reasons.

BENDER: No wonder you're so cranky all the time.

PROFESSOR: (hands Bender two wires) Then it's up to you, Bender! Hold these wires and they'll super-boost your reception with only a seventy-five percent chance of frying your brain.

BENDER: Aw, man! I gotta join a better union.

PROFESSOR: Here comes the signal!

BENDER: (his antenna starts to glow brightly, and he shakes uncontrollably) YAAAAAAH! (the signal ends, and his eyes are red, and he is smoking)

LEELA: Did it work?

FRY: Hey, buddy, how do you feel?

BENDER: I... know... EVERYTHING! (Leela looks on with a look of worry/disgust) I know every dark secret on Earth! I can blackmail everyone! Wait! I don't have to! I know all their credit card numbers! HA HA HA! Maybe I'll tell all the secrets just for fun! Just to see what happens! Or maybe I'll take over the world!

LEELA: Well, the world's boned.

FRY: NO! I got Earth into this mess, so I've got to fix it!

BENDER: (brandishes a rubber chicken at Fry) Back off, Fry, or I'll tell everyone what you hide in the couch cushions!

FRY: Relax, buddy! I just wanna help you celebrate!

BENDER: I'm listening.

FRY: (grinning, turns toward Santa) Santa, do you have any more of those rum balls?

ROBOT SANTA: I have a bagful in my sleigh.


A bag of 'Industrial Robot Strength Rum Balls' is sitting in front of Bender. He has clearly overdosed on them.

FRY: Want another?

BENDER: No, a thousand's my limit! I'm driving later!

FRY: So, what's it like to know everyone's secrets?

BENDER: (holding his head, thinking) Knowing their what now?

ROBOT SANTA: Thank Xmas for sweet, brain-damaging rum balls!

BENDER: (leans forward onto the table) Somebody wake me when it's New Year's!

ROBOT SANTA: Fry, for saving the world and my job, you get a FREE PASS this Xmas! I promise not to kill or maim you!


ROBOT SANTA: But if any of you ever set foot on Neptune again, I'll deck all of your halls and roast your chestnuts on an open fire!

BENDER: Whatever you say, Optimus Prime!


ROBOT SANTA: (flying away in his sleigh) I hate all of you!

PROFESSOR: … and to all a good night!