Comic Transcripts

Comic #63: Igner-ance Is Bliss!
Transcribed by Umbreon







The crew is sitting around the conference table while a man with a lab coat, glasses, and brown hair stands at the side.

MAN: I'm the professor!

Amy gasps.


The professor walks up behind the group wearing a shorter coat and short pants.

PROFESSOR: Oh, pish and tosh! That's not ME! He doesn't have my beautiful CALF IMPLANTS!

ZOIDBERG: They ARE stunning!


FRY: So, that mean YOUNG MAN FARNSWORTH is in reality...

He reaches out and pulls off the man's glasses.

FRY: ... YOUNG MAN IGNER, the professor's son!

IGNER: I was going trick-or-treating dressed as you, daddy!

PROFESSOR: Well, isn't that sweet! It's a shame that it's only July!

The doorbell rings and Fry runs out.

FRY: I'll get it!

The professor drops a candy bar into a pillow case Igner is holding.

PROFESSOR: Here you go, son.

IGNER: Thanks, daddy!

In the lobby, Walt and Larry stand at the door.

WALT: We're looking for our idiot brother.

FRY: Right this way!

They walk up behind Inger and Larry swipes his bag.

WALT: Wait until I tell mother what you were doing!

IGNER: Hey, that's my PITY CANDY!

LARRY: Dummies like you don't DESERVE candy! Now come on, we've got work to do!

The brothers leave.

FRY: It must be hard being the dumbest one in a group.

LEELA: Fry, you put your pants on BACKWARDS again.

PROFESSOR: There'll be plenty of time for trouser adjustment later. Now's the time for... GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! We have a delivery to SHANGRI-LINUX, a world deadly to humans.

LEELA: So it's like EVERY planet you send us to?


PROFESSOR: I did indeed, Bender! The air is so acidic, any organic matter would be dissolved in seconds!

BENDER: So I'm going by myself?

PROFESSOR: NO! I'm afraid you'll steal the cargo and buy booze with the money!

BENDER: Is this 'cause of all the times I did that? That's so unfair!

PROFESSOR: (holds up a ray gun) Instead, I'll be transferring your minds into ROBOT BODIES! Now, line up for the brain transfer ray. At least I THINK this is the brain ray. I always get it mixed up with the AGONY RAY!

Five minutes and two agony ray mix-ups later...

Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg's minds are in robot versions of their bodies. Zoidberg has a toaster for a head.

FRY: I'm a robot! COOL!

LEELA: Wow! I feel so strong and magnetic!

ZOIDBERG: I smell TOAST! Am I having a stroke?

PROFESSOR: No, I couldn't find a proper head for that body, so I just attached an old toaster.

BENDER: Wow! I've gotta say, you guys have never looked better!

PROFESSOR: Now, make sure you return in three days' time! If we don't transfer your minds back by then, there will be DIRE CONSEQUENCES!

Zoidberg, Fry, and Leela's actual bodies are stacked on top of each other on a table, limp. Zoidberg is drooling.

ZOIDBERG: Hey there, Zoidberg's body! Who's the tough guy now?!!

And later...

The crew is in the ship on their way to Shangri-Linux.

BENDER: Man, it's great having other robots with me on a delivery for once! Those fleshbags I usually work with are so pathetic!

LEELA: For the last time, we're the same people!

BENDER: Stop ruining the illusion! It's TOUGH being the only robot on the crew! But I guess it did make me feel special! And now I'm NOT anymore!

He walks off the bridge.

BENDER: Nice job not making me feel special! I hate you guys!

LEELA: (thinking) 10 sigh

20 roll eye

30 goto 10



FRY: (inside the ship) Pleasure planet dead ahead! We're here!

They get off the ship and Leela meets Hedonism-Bot while Fry and Bender bring down the cargo.

FRY: Hot tub oil delivery!

HEDONISM-BOT: Just slide the box anywhere, my dear bot! As a gratuity, you and your chums are free to enjoy any of the delights this world has to offer.

LEELA: No, that's okay. We're just going to head back and--

Bender dashes past.


He jumps into a hot tub with two fembots. Behind him, the Donbot's getting a massage and Calculon is drinking motor oil from a champagne glass.

BENDER: Last one in the hot tub's a lousy human! Welcome to the funnest planet in the universe!

LEELA: Okay, we'll stay, but just for half an hour!

FRY: Dr. Zoidberg, where's your body?

The toaster that was Zoidberg's head is sitting on the ground by itself.

TOASTER ZOIDBERG: I SOLD it to cover all the gambling debts I have on this planet!

FRY: (picks up the toaster) We've only been here for TWO MINUTES!


Calculon walks past carrying Zoidberg's body.

CALCULON: He really is!

FRY: I don't see what the BIG DEAL is about this planet.

BENDER: That's 'cause even though you've got COMPUTER BRAINS, you're still thinking like HUMANS! Both of you, come with me!

Bender gets out of the hot tub and leads Fry and Leela to the edge of a cliff.

BENDER: Robot thrills are like human ones times a thousand.

He points up at two planets in the atmosphere.

BENDER: Take a look at that view!

FRY: What's so great about it?

Bender shoves them off the cliff.


Later, at the bottom of the cliff...

Bender walks up to Fry and Leela holding a box.

LEELA: You jerk! I thought I was going to die!

BENDER: And how do you feel now?

LEELA: Actually, pretty awesome!

BENDER: I know, right? Putting yourself in crazy dangerous situations is a huge kick!

He hands Fry the crate, which has 'booze' on the side.

BENDER: Now drink this whole case of MALT LIQUOR and gamble EVERY CENT you've got!

FRY: Okay!


Fry, Calculon, Zoidberg's toaster head, and Leela are sitting at a table with poker chips, a golden globe award, and a waffle in the middle.


CALCULON: Oh, why did I bet my PEOPLE'S PICK GOLDEN ORB award?

TOASTER ZOIDBERG: NOOO! My frozen waffle! It was all I had left!

Later, Fry is trying to light six cigars in his mouth while Leela plays a banjo.

LEELA: ... and now I appreciate FOLK MUSIC on a much deeper level!


He hugs their necks.

BENDER: I'm SO much less ashamed of the two of you than I usually am!

Bender pulls a phone out of his chest.

BENDER: Might as well phone the professor and tell him we're not coming back!

He walks toward a building with 'keep out' and 'no trespassing' signs.

BENDER: This looks like a nice quiet place to make a phone call!

He walks in and sees Walt standing next to a console and a robot vending machine.

WALT: You've enjoyed your time here on the robot pleasure planet, haven't you?

ROBOT: Oh yeah, I've been partying 24-7!

WALT: Good. Then I hope you'll be just as pleased with the FINAL CHAPTER of your stay here!

He flips a switch and the machinery over the robot turns on.

ROBOT: Final...? Hey, is that an ELECTROMAGNET? No! No! That'll erase my--

WALT: Your MEMORY? Yes. Yes it will. Now can you tell me the price of a large soda?

ROBOT: I... I don't know. Who am I? I'm scared.

Walt leads the robot to two ships.

WALT: There, there. Just step right in here, and we'll find you a NEW HOME for you! Yes, mother's plan was BRILLIANT! Lure robots here, then wipe their memories and sell them as new!

LARRY: Thanks for the reminder of why we're here! *he munches on candy* Sometimes I forget!

INGER: Can I have a piece of my candy?

LARRY: For the last time... NO!

BENDER: This whole planet! It's a TRAP!

An alien that looks slightly like Zoidberg, with no mouth tendrils and large green eyes shows moves next to Bender.

ALIEN: I agree!

BENDER: Who are you?

ALIEN: The POOL BOY! I was taking a shortcut though the memory-erasing building. Can I offer you a fresh towel?

BENDER: Wait a minute... none of you guys are robots! Why aren't you burning up from the acid in the air?

ALIEN: Oh, that's just a story they made up to keep people out. It's a perfectly safe class M planet! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to debug the hot tub.

Bender runs back to the robot party. Fry and Leela are in a hot tub.

BENDER: We've gotta get out of here!

FRY: Why? The hot tub just got debugged!

BENDER: Let me just send the story WIRELESSLY to save time and exposition!

He leans over and his antenna pings.

LEELA: (sits up) They're erasing memories?

FRY: Sorry, can't listen now. I'm illegally downloading the movie "SHORT CIRCUIT." It makes so much more sense to me now!

Leela gets up and tries to pull Fry out of the tub.

LEELA: Bender's right! We need to warn the others. We can't let ourselves be distracted!

CLAMPS: Hey, you mugs! Want to help us form a Japanese-style giant MEGABOT? I'm gonna be the clamps!

LEELA: Sounds fun!

FRY: Yes!


All the robots connect to make one body. Clamps, URL, Fry, and Leela make up the arms, Zoidberg is the head, Donbot, Roberto, and Preacherbot are the body, and Calculon, Monique, a suicide booth, and the Crushinator are the legs.


FRY: Woo-hoo!


BENDER: No, Bender! Forget about how that looks like THE MOST FUN THING EVER!


Everyone's back to the normal party. Bender is sitting next to Zoidberg's head. The alien from the warehouse is there with bread.

BENDER: Come on, Zoidberg! Let's get outta here!

ZOIDBERG: But the cook is giving me so many different breads to toast!

BENDER: I thought you were the POOL BOY.

ALIEN: I need two jobs. I've got a large family of guppies to support.

Later, Bender is sitting next to Leela in a movie theater.

BENDER: Leela, you're the sensible one! Come on!

LEELA: Can we do it later? With my new robot eye, I can finally see 3D movies! And with these glasses, I can see 4D!

Later, Bender runs up to Fry who is lounging by a pool filled with oil.

BENDER: Okay, no more Mr. Nice Bot! You're coming with me, Fry!

FRY: Make me!

BENDER: Oh, it's like THAT, is it?

FRY: I guess it is! Put up your dukes, buddy!

They raise their fists. Bender has his head knocked off his body on the end of a spring later.

BENDER: Ow! You knocked my block off!

FRY: All those years playing ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS really paid off!

BENDER: Oh well, no one ever said ol' Bender didn't know what to do in a hopeless situation!

He walks over to the suicide booth and goes in.

BENDER: Goodbye, cruel pleasure world!

Not long after, the is forcefully thrown out.

SUICIDE BOOTH: Take a hike! I'm on VACATION!

BENDER: Aw, come on! *he pulls a ray gun from his chest* I'll give you this BRAIN TRANSFER RAY that I swiped from the Professor! Wait a minute! This gives me an idea!

Bender sneaks up behind Fry and hits him over the head with the ray, knocking him out.

BENDER: Now to find the others and club them, too!

He rounds a corner and finds Walt standing there.

WALT: Where has our boob of a brother wandered off to now? Mother shall hear of this!

Bender gasps and hides behind a rock. A shadow comes up behind him.

VOICE: What are you hiding from?

Bender spins and fires the ray. He zaps Igner and the gun backfires, catching him in the ray's field as well and causing them to switch bodies.

BENDER IN INGER: Hey, I'm all soft, and I can feel something beating in my chest! I'm... a REAL BOY after all!

A small green robot wearing a suit and top hat with an umbrella shows up next to his foot.

ROBOT: Then you'll be needing a conscience! The name's JIMINY CIRCUITS!

B IN I: A conscience? No thanks.

He kicks the robot away.

JIMINY: Ouch! I mean, whee!

Walt and Larry suddenly show up.

WALT: Igner! What's the meaning of this? Who told you that you could run off and kick robot crickets?


WALT: I wasn't talking to you, you pathetic bending unit!

Bender (in Igner's body) shoves the brothers, making Larry drop Igner's bag of candy.

B IN I: Hey! Mind your own business and back off, chumps!

He snatches the bag.

B IN I: Either of you got a problem with me taking this candy and being the boss now?

WALT: No, Igner!

LARRY: Don't hurt us!

I IN B: Can I have some candy?

B IN I: (eyes his own body) I normally wouldn't share my stuff, but I like your looks!

The pair begins to walk away.

I IN B: Are we friends?

B IN I: Friends? Sure, why not?

Igner hugs Bender tightly, cracking something in his back.

B IN I: (groans) I forgot how painful PAIN is!

I IN B: Friend!

One coup later...

Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, Bender, Igner, Walt, and Larry are standing in front of the Planet Express ship.

WALT: So, um... Igner, our new supreme leader, has declared an end to all robot memory-erasing. And you three have to go back home! Bender is allowed to come back whenever he wants with everything on the house!


I IN B: But, I'M Igner!

WALT: What?

B IN I: Ain't that adorable? His speech impediment makes him pronounce "Bender" as "Igner." A little speech therapy ray gun will fix that!

Igner's body shoots Benders and the ray backfires again, switching them back to normal. Bender pushes Fry and Leela onto the ship.

BENDER: We're outta here!

IGNER: Aw, I'm all SOFT again!

WALT: Yes you are, sir!

LARRY: The softest!

The ship zooms away from the planet.

LARRY: So what do we do now?

IGNER: What?

WALT: (slaps Larry) You fool! You spoke too softly for Igner to hear you!

He turns quickly and smiles.

WALT: I mean, MISTER Igner! Please don't push me into the mud again!

IGNER: I like pudding!

WALT: You heard the man! Make pudding!

Not much later, Igner is sitting on a rock eating pudding out of a large bowl.

LARRY: And now that we're not recycling robots, what should we do with this planet?

IGNER: Hmmmmm...


The brothers are standing in front of Mom, Walt and Larry cowering.

MOM: You turned this planet into an AMUSEMENT PARK?

WALT: Not us! It was IGNER!

LARRY: He used the construction robots here to reassemble things!

IGNER: (speaking over a shot of the park) I sure did! I call it IGNEY'S WORLD!

The park has a huge roller coaster, bumper cars, a spinning ride with a giant version of Mom's head, and a flume ride. Mom pulls her hand back and Igner cringes.


She reaches forward and hits the hand he was holding up to protect himself.

MOM: With this discount park we can undercut the one on the moon and put them out of business in a year!

She looks out a window and sees Calculon and Roberto being thrown out of a roller coaster.

MOM: Plus it's cheap and dangerous! I LOVE making a profit while people get hurt! Good job, boys! Let's go get some ice cream!


Back on Earth...

Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg are back in their normal bodies. Zoidberg is pressing a piece of bread against his head.

LEELA: How do you feel?

FRY: Now that I've had my brain transferred back, folk music does nothing for me.

ZOIDBERG: Fit, darn you! Fit!

PROFESSOR: Thank heaven you got them back just in time, Bender!

FRY: What would have happened? Would we have been stuck as robots forever?

PROFESSOR: No, I would have had to pay another day's RENTAL for them!

FRY: It was great being a robot, but I'm glad to be a simple, boring human again.

Bender leans in to get a closer look at Fry's neck.

BENDER: Are those gills?

The Professor holds up a syringe.

PROFESSOR: Oh, yes! Just before I transferred your minds back I injected your bodies with FISH DNA for your next delivery.

Fry and Leela fall to the floor holding their necks, gasping and wheezing for air.

PROFESSOR: There'll be plenty of time to GASP later. You're due at the BOTTOM OF THE SEA before 5 pm.


The crew is underwater delivering a package to a pink house with castle turrets. Fry and Leela have gills and fish tails, Bender is unchanged, but in the grip of a large tentacle, and Zoidberg is once again in his robot body with its toaster head. There are two orange fish beings at the door of the castle, one tall and a younger one wearing an bright orange shirt.

FATHER: For the last time, my son ordered these X-RAY GLASSES from the back of a comic book and used my credit card without my consent. We don't want them!

SON: Awwwww, dad!

Leela sighs.

BENDER: Quick question, toots... are we FIGHTING or FLIRTING?

FRY: Hey, Zoidberg, why are you a TOASTER again?

ZOIDBERG: (sobs) I'm ADDICTED to raisin toast!

IGNER: (in caption bubble) Mommy says this is THE END!

CAPTION BOX: You said it!