Comic Transcripts

Comic #59: How To Secede Without Really Trying
Transcribed by Umbreon







Fry is in a boxing ring taking a punch to the face.


FRY: Gak!

The scene widens to show Bender and Fry are standing in front of a large tv with a salesbot. Fry is holding his stomach.

SALESBOT: So, what do you think of the new, fully interactive 3D tv?

BENDER: I'm not sure. Have him hit Fry again!

FRY: (moans) Is there anything less violent on?

SALESBOT: Here's my wife's favorite show..."THE REAL HOUSEBOTS OF ORANGE COUNTY"!

He presses a button on the remote and the channel changes. A gold fembot sits next to a box filled with jewelry and purple fembot stands next to her. They both have drinks.

PURPLE FEMBOT: If he's cheating on you, you've got to delete that dog!

GOLD FEMBOT: But he pays for everything! Did I show you my new ring?

She turns to see a hand reaching into her jewelry box.

GOLD FEMBOT: Hey! Someone's stealing my jewelry. Why you...

Bender clicks the remote and changes the channel, laughing with a handful of gems. Linda and Morbo are on the news with a picture of Poopenmeyer behind them.

MORBO: And on the lighter side, puny human MAYOR POOPENMEYER is involved in a scandal that may end his leadership of New New York!

LINDA: Ha ha! We go live now to City Hall!

The shot changes. The mayor is standing behind a podium in front of a large crowd of people.

POOPENMEYER: The corruption charges are simply not true!

VOICE: Mr. Mayor!

A very hairy alien in a purple suit waves from the crowd.

ALIEN: I'm Frank Lumpy, and we at Wookieeleaks have footage of you accepting bribes!

BENDER: (pfffts) Bribes? I get out of worse trouble than that before my second breakfast beer!

FRY: The mayor should really have you as an advisor!

POOPENMEYER: (points) Good idea. You're hired! I'll see you in my office in an hour!

Bender and Fry walk out of the store onto the sidewalk.

FRY: So are you gonna take the job?

BENDER: I dunno. *looks up the street* Aw geez, it's that gal from work with all the boring stories! Let's hope she doesn't see us!

Leela walks up holding a bag of groceries.

LEELA: Hi, Fry. Hi, Bender. Say, have you two seen the price of eggs lately?

BENDER: Ugh! Boredom chip overloading!

Twenty minutes later...

LEELA: ... and so I told the cashier and his manager that I wouldn't be buying eggs there today.

BENDER: (whispers) Fry, I'm begging you. Run an electromagnet over my brain and put me out of my misery.

FRY: (turns to Bender) But you LOVE eggs!

LEELA: I know, but I suppose there are other breakfast options.

BENDER: (turns) That does it! TAXI!

Bender jumps into traffic and lands on the hood of a speeding hovertaxi.

BENDER: City Hall, please!

Leela looks behind her and sees a small bird nest on the ground next to a building.

LEELA: Um... listen, Fry. I have a few more errands to run. I'll see you later, okay?

FRY: Sure thing!

After he leaves, she leans toward the nest.

LEELA: No one'll miss a couple of owl eggs.

She walks down the street while two large owls on the roof stare at her.

At City Hall, Bender strolls into the mayor's office with a cigar.

BENDER: Sorry I'm late, but it's because I don't really care about this job.

POOPENMEYER: Don't worry about it. It's hopeless. I have another press conference in five minutes, and the media is going to eat me alive! Seriously, two of the reporters are CANNIBALS!

BENDER: Now, don't you worry your pretty little head. Uncle Bender's gonna make things right! Just start talking and leave everything to me.

A few minutes later, the mayor is in front of the press.

ROBOT: Mr. Mayor, what about the charges against you?

FEMBOT: There are rumors of money laundering!

SMALL MAN: What kind of wine would you go well with?

POOPENMEYER: Well... that is... I... um...

VOICE: Help!


Tinny Tim comes flying through the air and lands in the mayor's arms.

TINNY TIM: Oh thank you, kind sir! You saved my life!

Bender runs up the steps, panting and wheezing.

BENDER: Oh look, the mayor caught a robot child that someone threw off the roof for some reason!

VOICE: The mayor's a hero!

SECOND VOICE: What a story!



Bender and Poopenmeyer are standing in the middle of the mayor's office.

POOPENMEYER: You were right, Bender, the reporters ate up that story! And didn't eat up ME!

Meanwhile, at Planet Express...

Zoidberg walks up behind Leela, who is in the kitchen mixing something in a bowl.

ZOIDBERG: Oh hello, Leela! Making brunch, I see. There'll be a few crusts of toast left over for your old pal Zoidberg, maybe?

They both hear a soft smacking sound.

ZOIDBERG: What's that sound?

LEELA: It's like a pillow hitting the ground.

Later, the Professor and Leela are outside Planet Express. The red owl and yellow owl from the building are flying into the windows.

PROFESSOR: Leela, do you know why owls have started throwing themselves at my building?

LEELA: Um... no?

PROFESSOR: Oh well, let's ignore it then assume it won't escalate!

The owls land on a building, both seeing stars.

YELLOW OWL: (weakly) Hoot.

RED OWL: (weakly) Hoot.

The owls look across the street. There's a building called "Mac's giant novelty toys" with a sign on the side that reads, 'special today GIANT SLINGSHOTS'. They run out of the building later, carrying a huge slingshot. Leela sees them from the balcony.

LEELA: THIS can't be good...

Elsewhere, Bender and Poopenmeyer are in the woods. The mayor has a brown hunting outfit, a laser gun, and a large brown and red hat.

POOPENMEYER: Wait, why am I doing a reality show in the woods again?

BENDER: (holds up a camera) People love seeing their politicians shoot stuff.

A woman's head in a jar sits on a rock next to a large gun. She has a small brown ponytail and glasses.

WOMAN: Hey, I was shooting MY reality show here! I booked this part of the woods months ago.

BENDER: But did you call DIBS?

WOMAN: No, but--

BENDER: (screams) DIBS! Okay, Mr. Mayor, fire that laser shotgun!

POOPENMEYER: (looks around) At what?

BENDER: It doesn't matter. We'll fix it in editing!

Bender, dressed as a moose with brown fur and a large pair of antlers, clutches at his chest.

BENDER: Oooh! I've been shot by a strong leader!

On the moon, the buggalo farmer is watching the scene on tv.

FARMER: That's the kind of man I'd vote for if I hadn't come to the moon to start my buggalo militia!


Amy and Leela sit in the lounge while the smacking sounds continue.

AMY: Is it just me or are those owls getting louder?

LEELA: I say we keep ignoring them and don't blame anyone.

The Professor is outside on the balcony.

PROFESSOR: Sweet Tesla's death ray! They're using slingshots, giant boomerangs, and cherry bombs to attack us. Curse that novelty shop!

The yellow bird launches out of the slingshot while the red bird drops an explosive on the building.

LEELA: Are they doing any serious damage to the building, Professor?

PROFESSOR: Not as much as their misfires are doing to the bejewelry district!

The yellow owl launches again and goes through the window of a jewelry store. An alien inside yells and runs.

Leela walks out onto the balcony.

LEELA: Professor, I have a CONFESSION to make.

PROFESSOR: I'm flattered, but I can't date employees. Things just get too weird!

LEELA: No, I took some owl's eggs, and I'm going to return them so the owls stop attacking.

PROFESSOR: The heck you are!

LEELA: What?

PROFESSOR: I'm not afraid of a few ANGRY BIRDS! If we give in to them now, we'll be showing weakness! I didn't listen when an owl told me not to litter, and I'm not going to listen to one now!

He tosses a soda can over his shoulder and walks back into the building.

PROFESSOR: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some MAD SCIENCE-ING to do!

Back at City Hall...

The mayor is in the middle of another press meeting. A cat-like alien holds a microphone up and Bender stands at the mayor's side.

CAT REPORTER: Mr. Mayor, your approval ratings are the highest they've ever been. My question is, what makes you so handsome?

BENDER: That's a great question!

POOPENMEYER: Thank you, I--

A different reporter in the crowd speaks up.

MAN: Mr. Mayor, isn't it true that the corruption charges are still pending?

BENDER: Wait a minute. You aren't one of the reporters I paid to ask a question! Where are you from?

MAN: The L.A. Space and Times Gazette!

BENDER: You other cities don't understand what this man does for New New York, the greatest city on this stink hole of a planet.

MAN: What are you saying?

POOPENMEYER: What he means is...

BENDER: I mean the rest of the world can SHOVE it! New New York doesn't have to take this garbage! We're leaving!

MAN: What?


The headless body of Agnew shows up, holding Nixon's headjar.

NIXON: I was doing some razor shopping nearby and couldn't help overhearing! If New New York wants to secede from Earth, then as world president I say don't let door hit your pinko hippie behinds on the way out!

And so...

The professor is at his lab bench working on something with a bright torch and Bender comes up behind him.

BENDER: Professor, I need your help shooting the city into space!

PROFESSOR: Not now, Bender! I'm busy meddling in God's domain!

And so again...

Bender is in the middle of a group of students listening to Wernstrom lecture.

BENDER: So, that's my problem, professor Wormstorm!


BENDER: My name's funnier.

WERNSTROM: You're fortunate! My undergraduate project was to build a city-sized dome. It's still in my parents' backyard. The cost will be ONE BILLION DOLLARS!

BENDER: I'll give you fifty bucks and an autographed picture of me!

WERNSTROM: (sighs) I'd say no if I wasn't still paying off my student loan.


The mayor and Bender are once again in front of a large group of people.

POOPENMEYER: And so, citizens of New New York, I don't really understand how this happened, but as of today, we say goodbye to Earth!


POOPENMEYER: And you're all okay with this?

MAN: You saved a kid and shot a moose. We trust you!

POOPENMEYER: (whispers) Bender, I don't think--

BENDER: That's for the best. Just let ol' Bender do the thinkin'!

Bender leans out and yells to Sal, who is standing at a console.


SAL: Youze gots it!

The city is now encased in a large bubble. Rockets underneath fire and rip the city away from the planet. It flies off into space, leaves the streets ripped up, and the sewers open to the sun.

VIOLET: (covers her eyes) AAAAH! Daylight! Anyone got any sunblock?

A mutant with purple skin and an umbrella-shaped head stands nearby.

MUTANT: Nope, and don't NEED any! My hideous UMBRELLA HEAD finally pays off. Sweet!


Leela walks into the lab while the Professor works with an orange liquid in a beaker.

LEELA: Professor! New New York just got shot into space!

PROFESSOR: And are the owls still attacking?

Leela looks up at the sounds of thumping from outside.


PROFESSOR: Then I don't care about ANYTHING ELSE right now!

He walks over to a large box that's wrapped like a birthday present.

LEELA: What's in the box?

PROFESSOR: The most genetically perfect killing machine ever created!

He walks out, leaves the gift on the sidewalk in front of three owls, and turns back to the building.

PROFESSOR: Heh heh heh!

The owls hoot quizzically. The gift opens and a large, round, greenish monster pops out, growling. Inside, the professor climbs the stairs.

PROFESSOR: Yes, yes, that should end our problem!

On the balcony, the professor sees the owls have tied a rope around a huge lollipop and monster is running after it.

PROFESSOR: No! They're luring it away with candy! Someone cut the rope!

MONSTER: Mmmmmmmm!

And across town...

A man going through a travel tube speeds out and whacks into the glass dome.

HATTIE: (points) Hey, you cut off access to New New Jersey!

BENDER: You're welcome!

The man moans and holds his head while Bender walks away.

HATTIE: Now how am I gonna visit my grandkids that don't want to see me?

Bender walks home and finds Fry on the couch watching tv and eating a pretzel.

BENDER: Heya, meatbag! Did you tape "ALL MY CIRCUITS"?

FRY: Can't! All the tv channels are cut off except for local programs.

Fry switches the channel. Morbo is sitting on a small set, wearing a beret.

MORBO: Welcome to Morbo's movie reviews! This week and in all future weeks I will be reviewing the greatest film of all time, MARS ATTACKS!

BENDER: Fine. I'll just have a couple of beers and turn in early!

FRY: Can't. You drank the last ones, and New New York doesn't make beer.

Bender walks over to the couch and Fry waves the pretzel at him.

FRY: Also, the only food locally made are hot dogs and pretzels.

BENDER: That's all you humans need to live, right?

A few weeks later...

Fry, a couple other humans, and Tinny Tim are all in front of Planet Express wearing ragged clothes. Fry is banging on the door.

FRY: Let us in, Professor! We have scurvy, and we know you have a cellar filled with fruit!

The Professor opens the door.

PROFESSOR: Sorry, Fry. We gave it all to those fruit ninjas when we hired them to attack the owls.

FRY: How's that all going anyway?

PROFESSOR: Oh, can't complain!

Some owls continue to launch themselves at the building from the giant slingshot. Planet Express is almost completely ruined.

While back at City Hall...

Smitty and URL are in the mayor's office talking to Poopenmeyer.

URL: Yo, Mr. Mayor, we can't keep up with the riots in the streets!

POOPENMEYER: Computer! How are my approval ratings?

COMPUTER: People are printing them out and eating them for food!

POOPENMEYER: (looks at Bender) Stop drinking that thermometer and give me some advice, Bender!

BENDER: This has booze in it, right?

POOPENMEYER: No! Now what should I do?

BENDER: Well, it might be the mercury poisoning talking, but the most important thing to do when you're in trouble is to find someone else to blame!

Soon, Bender is in front of a large crowd and tied to a rocket on the stairs of City Hall. Poopenmeyer is behind him with a torch.

POOPENMEYER: And so as mayor of New New York World, I put all the blame for our problems on my advisor Bender.

BENDER: I didn't mean ME! I meant, like, the guy in the mailroom who got all mad at me when I tried to drink him!

POOPENMEYER: We will now banish Bender from our world and beg the Earth to take us back!

The crowd cheers as the mayor lights the rocket's fuse.

Poopenmeyer turns to Sal.

POOPENMEYER: Open the airlock!

SAL: Wit' pleasures!

The rocket flies through a hole in the top of the dome.

BENDER: Oh well, that's politics!

At Planet Express, the owls continue to slam into the building.

LEELA: I can't take it anymore, Professor! I have to return the eggs to those owls!

PROFESSOR: Fine! To be honest, I forgot what we were fighting about more than a week ago!

Leela opens the refrigerator.

LEELA: Where are the eggs?

ZOIDBERG: Oh, were those yours and was I not supposed to eat them?

Leela grabs Zoidberg's shirt and shakes him.

LEELA: You've doomed us all!

ZOIDBERG: Wait! If it's eggs you need, I might be able to help!

A month later...

Agnew is standing on the steps of City Hall holding Nixon's headjar.

NIXON: And so, I welcome the city of New New York back to Earth with a three hundred percent tax increase to show them who's boss!

The crowd cheers.

While over at Planet Express...

Leela and the Professor are standing on the sidewalk outside. The building is completely rebuilt.

LEELA: Good as new. The workers did a great job fixing everything!

PROFESSOR: And people said I was a fool to buy OWL INSURANCE!

Bender walks up behind them missing an eye and with his antenna bent.

BENDER: Hey, Leela! Hey, Professor!

LEELA: Bender, what happened to you?

BENDER: I drifted around until I got pulled back towards Earth, orbited a few times, then crash landed in a spring break party in Key West! Drank and partied for a week and then walked back! What have YOU been up to?

LEELA: Well, it all started with some eggs...

BENDER: (holds his head) AAAARGH! Still so boring!

PROFESSOR: Leela, I never did ask. How did you get the owls to stop attacking?

LEELA: I just gave them some eggs.

PROFESSOR: But there weren't any left!

LEELA: Zoidberg found some.

They walk back into the building.

PROFESSOR: He did? From where?

LEELA: You know, I never asked!

On the buildings across from Planet Express, a group of owls are sitting on their nests. They look very confused, as their new hatchlings are pink birds that have faces like Zoidberg.

OWL-EATING MONSTER: (in caption bubble) Game over!