Comic Transcripts

Comic #57: STEAMPUNK'D
Transcribed by Red_Line

Scene: black panel.

Fry: Huh? Where am I? Last thing I remember I was playing “Dodge the wrench” with Bender! Maybe I should open my eyes.

Scene: Fry, in the ciar at Applied Cryogenics.

Fry: Hey, what gives? Am I dreaming? Old New York's partying like it's 1999. Again! Sheesh! What a lousy dream … a Rerun! Okay, I'' play along. It's midnight, and I blow this party whatzitz. Then it rewinds and knocks be backwards … I roll across the floor and into the cryo-thingie, where I snooze for a thousand years!

Voice: Not this time, Philip J. Fry!

Fry: What?! Who said that?!

Scene: Fry is “falling” through time while scenes from history flash by around him.

Voice: I did! For I am The Space/Time Portal!

Fry: Is this going to take long? There a “Twilight Zone” marathon on.

Voice: Behold, Fry, as we go on a great journey through dimensions past! Through space time will I ferry you …

Fry: heh heh!

Voice: … What?

Fry: Then why aren't you called “The space/Time Fairy”?

Voice: You know why!

Scene: Fry appears out of a burst of lightning-like flashes in a Victorian era street, except that overhead are flying machines and a woman rides a mechanical horse in the foreground.

Voice: Welcome to the year 1899. You are now in a Steampunk world!

Fry: Whoa! But space-fairy, what about my life and friends in the year 3011?

Voice: That was all just a dream … a stupid, stupid dream … but this is real.


Jesse McCain – Script

John Delaney – Pencils

Andrew Pepoy – Inks

Robert Stanley – Colors

Karen Bates – Letters

Bill Morrison – Editor

Voice: My taks done. I now take my leave.

Fry: Wow, a steam world! Steam cars! Steam robots!

Voice: I said I'm leaving now … Aren't you going to say goodbye? Ingrate!

Fry: I wonder if they have steam powered trains? That would be so cool!

Different Voice (OS): Step aside, sir!

Scene: Bender, wearing spats, scroll work around his chest compartment, and a hat-like brim around his head appears, tapping Fry on the head with his walking stick.

Benderplate: Off with you! From your wardrobe, I take you for a street fool, and I'll had none of you today.

Fry: Ow! Wha … ?!

Benderplate: Out of the way, protien rock.

Fry: Bender, is that you? What's with the funny hat?

Benderplate: You offend me sir! My name is Benderplate, famous for fighting wars and taking tea with prestigious personages! Now, good day! I've an important engagement with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!

Fry: But, Bender … Plate, don't you recognize me?

Benderplate: Sir, I said good Day!

Fry: I'll buy you and ale.

Benderplate: I suppose there's no harm In a quick toddy.

Scene: Many toddies later, Benderplate and Fry stagger out of the Gear-Loose Libations pub.

Benderplate: Ha! Ha! And That, dear boy, is how I saves the queen from unruly space-wogs! Me, Benderplate! (belches fire)

Fry: Good. Ol' Benderplate. After all these years, you haven't changed a bit! So you know a lot of famous people?

Benderplate: Indeed! I've got knife scrapes from Jack the Ripper and whacks from Lizzie Broden's axe. Behold! Mr. Oscae Wilde once bit my shiny metallic buttocks.

Fry (looking out over the city): Wow. I never thought I'd live to see old, old New York!

Benderplate: You didn't. This is old, old York … England.

Fry: No way! If we're in old York, England, where's Big Ben Franklin?

Benderplate: Ha, ha! Mr. Fry, you truly are a wondrous fool! (Points at a large clock that look like Ben Franklin) It's over yonder!

Fry: Wow!

Scene: outside a domed building.

Benderplate: This is where I work … Planet Posthaste delivery service. Come, I'll introduce you to my chums. They're not a bad sort, for a brood of filty humans.

Scene: Interior of Planet Posthaste. Fry, Benderplate, Leela, Nibbler, and Zoidberg sit around a highly polished, round wood table. Farnsworth enters.

Farnsworth: Glad tidings, everyone! Benderplate has rescued another vagrant from the streets to assit me in my brain transplant experiments!

Leela (pointing at Fry): Look at him! Each beggar the robot brings home is more wretched than the last.

Fry: ?

Zoidberg: Never mind that! Has anyone seen my Snake Oil!

Benderplate (drinking a jug of something): No.

Zoidberg: Oy! I'm very sick with a serious case of chest mussels!

Farnsworth: Huzzah! The perfect time to try out my newest creation … Nano Steam-Bots! They'll cure what ails ya ... and remove all those pesky dangly bits!

Zoidberg (as Farnsworth releases the nana steam-bots at him): But some of my favorite bits are my dangly bits!

Scene: Enter Hermes wearing a top hat, plaid scarf, and brown suit.

Herems (sniffing): Sweet sandy beachcomber of Tacoma! Who's boiling lobster and didn't invite me?

Zoidberg (sizzeling): YOO-AAAAAH! What you're smelling is my pain!

Farnsworth: Not to worry! I'll simply apple some soothing butter to your succulent seared flesh.

Zoidberg (scuttling away): Woo woo woo woo woo!

Hermes: Enough o' dis time-wastin' folderol! We have a V.I.P. To transport to the moon today.

Nibbler: Eeeppo oooo, awwww!

Leela: A delivery? Today?! But we planned to press our unmentionables today! Thanks ever so!

Scene: PP hanger. The vaguely Zepplin like ship is moored there.

Fry: Wow! You guys can fly to the moon way back now?

Hermes: Of course! We traverse the galaxy.

Scene: Hermes pulls a lever, steam hisses, music plays.

Hermes: Thanks to the awesome power of … steam!

Scene: the music plays again.

Herems (extracting a telephone handset from his coat): Oh, that's my cell phone. Hello? Oh, very well, the … good bye. Our V.I.P. Is here.

Scene: Amy, in an 1890's dress and hat and carrying a parasol, enters.

Fry: Amy?!

Amy: Ex-spluh! That's Lady Wong to you, plebeian. Let's push on, shalle we? I must get to the moon without delay!

Fry (to Benderplate): Gee, Amy's kind of a jerk in this dimension.

Benderplate: I care not! Take a gander at that bustle! Rrrrowl!

Scene: Ship's bridge.

Farnsworth: Come along, come along! We can gawk at each other's posteriors later!

Fry: Awesome! But can you actually sail to the moon in this thing?

Leela: “Sail”? Indeed we can …

Scene: PP ship exits the hanger with a “whoosh” in a cloud of steam.

Leela: … if we want the journey to take two months! No, Mr. Fry, we're using the express method!

Scene: The PP ship flies over and then backs into a huge cannon. A round headed robot, in a scene reminiscent of the firing of the Death Star in the original Star Wars, manipulates controls. The PE ships shoots out of the canon.

Scene: In space, Benderplate has one of the port hols open.

Benderplate (sniffing): Ah! One never tires of the adventurous scnet of space air!

Fry: Benderplate, are you insane? Close the window … that space air will brown us all!

Farnsworth: Not to imply you're a nonsensical idiot, Mr. Fry, but stop talking nonsense you idiot! Everyone knows there's enough space air between Earth and the Moon to last Fifty years.

Scene: A whistle toots.

Leela: Oh, no!

Fry: What? Is it break time? Is the shipe breaking up?

Scene: A large, paddle wheel ship is seen out the front window.

Leela: Worse! It's the H.M.S. Nimbus, commanded by …

Scene: Numbus Bridge. Zapp with handle bar mustache and a “Captain Crunch” uniform is standing there.

Zapp: Rear Admiral Zappdash Brannigan, at your service. Well, well, well! If it isn't my old paramour, Captain Leela! This is turning into one saucy, saucy adventure … eh, Cabin boy Kif?

Kif: (Sighs)

Farnsworth: What do you want, Rear Admiral?

Zapp: Surrender the Lady Wong without delay! She is under arrest, bu order of her Majesty, Crank Queen Victoria.

Amy: Oh, gleesh! Not again!

Benderplate: The duece you say!

Leela: You can't arrest my passenger … we're in international space air!

Zapp: We can and we will! Prepare to be boarded … saucily!

Leela: Mr. Nibbler, load the canon!

Scene: Nibbler is sitting on top of a canon. The clonging sound of somehing heavy dropping into the canon is heard.

Zoidberg: Fully loaded, cap'n.

Leela: The fire at that ship!

Zoidberg: A direct hit, O Captain, My Captain!

Scene: HMS Nimbus bridge

Zapp: Cabin boy Kif! Return Fire!

Kif: May I remind the Admiral you traded our canon to a junta on Mars?

Zapp: Ah yes, for the crates of Martian Tamales! Mmmm … I'd do it all again. (to Leela) Well, you've won this round, Captain! But I'll bet my boned corset there'll be serious sauciness 'twixt you and I before this adventure is over. Kiff old pip! Full steam away!

Scene: PP ship bridge

Fry: So Amy, you're a wanted criminal?

Amy: No, I'm a lady! Spluh!

Leela: Let's none of us pay mind to Zapp's nonsense … onward, to the moon!

Scene: The Moon, chillin' in space. See the PP ship appraoching.

Moon: Uh-Oh!

Scene: The moon dodges to one side.

Moon: Whoop!

Scene: The moon is laughing as the PP ship turns around behind it.

Moon: Heh! Heh! Heh!

Scene: The P ship impacts the back side of the moon.

Moon: Woo-Hoo-Hoo!

Scene: On the surface of the moon, the PP ship is lodged in a rift between two hills. Leela has a gun, the Professor and Amy are in a steam walker.

Benderplate: Everyone remember which crack we're lodged in!

Farnsworth: My dear Lady Wong, why are you meeting the moon folk? Are you a soon-to-be moon princess? In an arranged marriage? A seductive slave?

Amy: Spleeh! Nothing so tawdry! I just require a business license. You know, for one of Opium Dens.

Fry: What?

Amy: Surely you've heard of Lady Wongs Dream Emporiums? I've locations throughout the known galaxy.

Moon man: Ho, there! Who dares enter the moon realm uninvited and without paying the parking fee?

Leela: Gentlemen, we come in peace! Please direct us to your king, so that we might parley.

Benderplate (holding a gun to Zoidberg's head): DO as she says, else I'll kill the squid. I swear I will.

Zoidberg: Waaaak! I'm too tender to dies, I am!

Moon man: Hey, hey, relax! The king is right over there … I'll take you to him.

Zoidberg: Robot, such a clever ruse! You almost had me plotzing my breeches, you did!

Benderplate: Yes … a ruse.

King: Intruders! Why have you tresspassed into my kingdome with first stopping by the Visitor's Center?

Amy: You excellency, I've come to request a boon

Zapp: Don't listen to her. Your kingliness, I've come for a bigger boon! A manly boon! And everyone knows you're a big man with big man-boons!

Leela: What are you doing here?

Zapp: Well, well, well! Speaking of big boons, it's Captain Leela. How saucy to see you again! Our queen sent me to stop Lady Wong's perilous opium den and offer the moonies an alternate business proposition! Allow me to demonstrate. Kif, old show … Hit it!

Kif (on a stage, singing): Try robust Slurm! No other elixir can jinx it! So tantalizingly tasty, Queen Victoria drinks it! Calms you humours to ease your pain! A superior potions, because it's mostly … Cocaaaine!

Amy: You brainless spleeze! Moon men shouldn't drink Slurm! Don't you know what happens?

Zapp: M'dear, I'm a soldier, a man of sensual action. I don't get tied down with … what do you call them … facts! Why … what happens? Is is saucy?

Scene: The moon men are screaming and morphing into monsters.

Amy: Eeee! That happens! Everyone flee!

Random person: EEEEEEEEEK!

Sceen: The moon people have turns into monsters, one hold Zapp and Amy, another had Zoidberg.

Zapp: Hard luck! This is what daddy would call a sticky wicket!

Amy: Schleeeeeek!

Farnsworth: Oh, my!

Leela (firing a gun): Shoot them, Benderplate! They're butchering our friends … and Zapp!

Benderplate (also firing): I care not if the kill all humans,but when you eat my employer, you've crossed a line!

A monster is about to immerse an un-morphed moon man and Zoidberg into large boiling pots.

Moon man: Aieeeeee!

Zoidberg: Mother always said like this I'd end up!

Benderplate: You over grown Iguana! Now you've eaten our beloved Cap'n who still had my paycheck! I'll kill you! I'll kill you to death!

Leela (from inside the monster's mouth): EEEEEE!

Voice (OS, probably Fry): Get him Benderplate! Choke him good!

Benderplate: Well, I'm jiggered. (getting stomped on by a monster) Ow! Oh! EE! Ow! Now I truly am a Bender … plate.

Fry: Sorry Bender … Leela's arm. I've got to get out of here! Must find ship! But it's so foggy! Must return to Earth to warn others! There it is! If only enough time!

Scene: PP ship bridge. Fry is in the pilot's seat frantically pulling levers.

Fry: In memory of the crew, I must survive! It's my duty as a Victorian steam guy. Tea and strumpets! How do you turn it on?

Scene: A monster's head rears up behind Fry with a roar.

Fry: EEEAAH! A lizard's gonna eat my head off.

Voice (OC): and, cut!

Fry: EEEAAH! The lizard's gonna cut my head off!

Voice (OC): Great job, people!

Monster: I ain't no lizard.

Fry: Eeeaah … ?

Scruffy (taking lizard head off) I'm Scruffy.


Scene: A movie set with a partial ship, which work men are already dismanteling. Leela and Amy are I nthe background, with Hermes who is in a moon man costume. Zapp, Kif, and Bender (sans hat) are present. In the foreground a workman hold a head in a jar.

Head in jar: Hey, Philip J. Fry … you've been STEAMPUNK'D!

Bender: Heh! Heh! Look at his face! Priceless!

Fry: Ashton Kutcher's head?!

Ashton: That's right, Fry! Getting STEAMPUNK'D is ewhen the master prankster, me stages elaborate steampunk practical jokes, and broadcasts them on TV for fun and profit!

Fry: My name is Philip J. Fry … and boy, did I just get STEAMPUNK'D! Now I'm gonne kill Ashton Kutcher's head!

Ashton: Help! Save me!

Fry: Grrr! C'mere you!

Bender: Ha ha ha ha! Well, that's a wrap!

The end


Zoidbeg Makes A House Call

Eric Rogers – script

Carlos Valenti – pencils

Ken Wheaton – inks

Nathan Hamill – colors

Karen Bates – letters

Bill Morrison – editor

Scene: Heremes in a hover chair with bandages on both legs is being pushed down the street by Dr. Zoidberg.

Hermes: All right, ya filthy crab, I don't likehavin' you in my home one bit, but Lebarbara and Dwight are off visiting the in-laws and I need someone to take care of me until they get back next week!

Zoidberg: Don't you worry, Hermes. Since you broke your legs while trying to kille me, I feel responsible. I'm going to give you the best care money can buy!

Heremes: I told you I'm not payin' you for your help! I'll give you food and board and a place to wash the stink o' the sea off your shell, but that's it!

Zoidberg: This is happiest day of my life.

Hermes (holding a ring of skeleton keys): Ah, there's my key. (It zapps the door lock) There. Now, push me in best the neighbors see you and call the police.

Scene: A few minutes later, Heremes is in bed.

Zoidberg: Ah, excellent, excellent .. your temperature is 72 degrees Fahrenheit which is normal for an injury like this.

Hermes: You moronic shellfish, you took the temperature o my TV remote!

Zoidberg: Now don't work yourself into a hot-buttered frenzy. I'll go make you some dinner. A nice seaweed pot pie maybe?

Hermes: EWWW!

Scene: Kitchen.

Zoidberg: Now let's see what I can find to fill up me best friend's cephalothorax … (looking in the refrigerator) There's so much beautiful, delicious, free food to choose from. Must be strong … must resist .. must --- (Zoidberg dive inot the 'fridge eating everything ins sight).

Scene: A moment later, the kitche in a disaster area.

Herems (OS): Zoidberg! What are you doing out there and where's my dinner?!

Zoidberg: Oh no, I ate all the food!

Scene: In the bathroom.

Zoidberg: Maybe it hasn't digested yet, and I can bring it back up in the form of anice Jambalaya! (looking at a container on the counter) What's this? “Momn's Friendly Sea Salt Bath”? This I must try!

Scene: A little while later, Zoidberg is in the bathtub covered in lather. A candle burns on the edge of the tub

Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's just like home! And this peach exfoliant scrub bar is to die for!

Hermes (from the other room): Zoidberg!! Get in here with my foor of there'll be Robot Hell to pay!

Zoidberg (running out of the room carrying the candle while chucking the peach exfoliant scrub bar into his mouth): Poor Hermes, I forgot all about him! What am I going to do for his dinner?

Scene: on a balcony with lots of potted plants

Zoidberg: Maybe these leafy greens I could use in a nice salad. Hmmmm … I've never seen lettuce like this before … (the plant catchs fire fro mthe candle) Uh-oh.

Scene: Hermes in bed, smelling smoke

Hermes (sniffing): Zoidberg, the smell better not be coming from my prize-winning Herb Garden! … Zoidberg? … Zoidberg!!!

Scene: A few minutes later, the police are carrying Hermes out of the house. A bunch of stoned hippies are hanging around.

Hermes: I swear, officers, this isn't my fault! That fire was cause by my GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, MEDICINE FAKIN', LOBSTEROSITY CO-WORKER!

URL: Sure pal!

Hippies: Oh, baby! Now that' smooth, man!

Smitty: Even if you didn't start the fire, you're still in violation of penal code 1 ER-08.02.1973

Hermes: Which is?

URL: “Contributing to the congregation of dirty hippies in a public place.”

Hermes: Zoidberg!

The end